Chapter 49.

Sam knew Cas had arrived in the library when he saw Sarah's eyes dart to the doorway and then away. He turned, as anxious as she was not to startle Cas or put pressure on him. "Hey, Cas." he said, "How are you feeling?"

"Better now." said Cas. He glanced at Sarah. "Dean says I have to talk to you."

"You don't have to," she said, "But I'd like you to."

He picked up his sandwich from the other table and sat down with them.

"How did it go with Dean?" said Sam.

"Better than I expected." said Cas. They waited, but he offered no more information.

"That's good." said Sarah, "If that sandwich isn't fresh enough, I can make you another."

"Jack made this one." said Cas.

"Should I go check on Dean?" said Sam, mostly to Sarah.

It was Cas who answered. "Give him a little time alone."

"Is something wrong?" said Sam.

"Talking to me was hard for him."

"Do you want to tell us more about that?" said Sarah.

Cas took a bite of his sandwich. He ate it in silence. Finally, just when they had almost given up hope of getting an answer, he said, "He forgave me, for not telling him things. He's still not happy that I can't, but he forgave me."

"That's great." said Sam.

"Do you forgive me too?" said Cas, "It's a technical breach of the Pact."

"Of course I forgive you." said Sam, "The Pact is there to help us to change, not so we can beat each other over the head with it. All any of us care about is that you're safe. Knowing you were out there, with Rowena and possibly not making the best decisions ... Cas, if anything happens to you ... "

"Lots of things have happened to me. You were fine."

"We were not fine." said Sam, "Dean, in particular, was not fine. If you ever die again, I think he could give up on everything."

"You can't let him do that." said Cas.

"Don't die, then it won't happen."

"The last thing I want to do is die."

"Good. That's good. Sometimes, I feel like you live on a cliff's edge and our whole job is to keep you from falling off."

"Maybe you give me too much of your thought. You should have other priorities."

"Why does it bother you that we care?" said Sam.

"Because I'm not important."

"We disagree." said Sarah.

Cas ate a little more of the sandwich. "I think I'm thirsty." he said.

Sam smiled. Human needs and sensations still confused him. "I'll get you a beer." he said.

"I can do that." said Sarah, bustling off before either could argue.

"I was afraid she'd be angry too." said Cas.

"Nobody's angry, Cas. We all just feel like you're slipping off that cliff-edge."

"I hurt Jules and she loves Jules."

"She loves you too and we all know you didn't intend to hurt Jules. Now look, about tonight. Dean thinks I should share the room with you tonight, to make sure you're not alone, but I get that you may not want that. You may want to be alone and if that's the case, I'm fine with it. That is, I'll fight your corner and if necessary, physically restrain Dean to keep him out of your way. But if you want me there, I'm there."

Sarah came back, opening a bottle of beer. She gave it to Cas who said, "Thanks." and drank some before answering Sam. "Being without her hurts me. I feel her absence intensely. I hear the silence where her breathing should be. I miss her whispering my name. Nobody else says it as she does."

"I know how it feels to have someone and then not to have them." said Sam.

"And I both wish you didn't and am glad you do." said Cas, "Because this pain is so bad I wouldn't wish it on anyone, but this would be so much harder without ... without friends ... " he said the word as if unsure he were still allowed, " ... Who know how it feels."

"I know. Having friends who understand can help so much and that's why we want to be around and hate the thought of you shutting us out and disappearing."

"Last night, I derived some comfort from Dean's presence. Tonight, if you're sure it's okay, I would be very grateful for yours."

"Then that's fine. I'll be there."

"I think I'll sleep tonight. I feel such a need for sleep today."

"Of course, without the link, I can't watch over your dreams like Dean did that time."

"No. And my dreams may not be good."

"But you don't want to reopen the link."

"For now, I can't." said Cas, looking so apologetic that Sam wanted to hug him.

"Hey, when things get complicated, you need to be able to set boundaries. You're learning to do that." said Sam. Too many times in his own life, he had felt a need to keep others, even Dean, at arm's length. He didn't like it, but he got it.

"I'm glad you understand."

"Of course I do. We've all been there, Cas. So, tonight, I can't ride shotgun in your head, but what I can do is watch over you while you sleep and wake you if you seem to be having a bad dream."

"What about your need for sleep?"

"Hunters don't need a lot of sleep."

Sarah gave him a look, but he knew she would say nothing. Cas was the one who needed her concern here.

"Over the years," said Cas, "You've been a good friend, Sam."

"And will be for many more years." said Sam, "As long as there's blood in my heart, there's a place for you there." It felt weird to say it, but dangerous not to, as if the words he chose now were the paracord line holding Cas to the cliff's edge.

Cas looked at him as if he felt the same way, but said nothing. Gently, Sarah said to him, "Are you ready to talk now, Castiel?"

"No." he said, "I will never be ready. But I'm told we need to talk and Dean has made concessions, so I will too. I know what I did to Jules was bad. If I'd known it would end like this, I would never have allowed the relationship to begin."

"First, let me assure you, she has refused to tell me anything I didn't work out alone."

"What?" said Cas. He looked quickly to Sam.

"It's okay." said Sam, "Whatever she worked out, she won't tell me either."

Sarah went on, "Let's just say that I know enough to understand why you felt you had to leave Jules."

"Do you think it was the wrong thing to do?" said Cas.

"I think it was a decision you made solely to protect her."

"That doesn't answer my question."

"The honest answer is that I don't know, but I know you didn't make the decision lightly and I know you made it for all the right reasons. I also know that she understands that, but it still hurt her."

"Please tell her, if she will hear anything from me, that I will regret that to the end of eternity."

"She doesn't blame you for any of it." said Sarah.

"No," said Sam, "She was very clear about that."

"I wish we'd never met." said Cas.

"You don't mean that. Meeting her brought you a lot of happiness." said Sam.

"For me, it was wonderful, but she didn't deserve my calamity in her life. You don't know, Sam. She suffered so much in her world and then she came here and I brought her more pain." Sam could almost see Cas sinking before his eyes. "I hurt you and Dean too." he said.

"Cas, you saved us, many times." said Sam.

Cas drank from the bottle again. "I'm a knife in the hearts of the people I love." he said.

"Hey, angel," said Sarah, "You, my sweet philosopher, have never brought anything but joy to my heart and when I met you, I didn't know my heart could still do joy."

Cas looked at her, but didn't answer.