AN: for anyone who missed it; the grey shadow Rin spoke about in chapter 49 is a reference to an earlier conversation she and Sesshoumaru had in chapter 30 about depression/trauma/grief.
Will post more in a week or so, I'm off on holiday!
Chapter Fifty
Padding through dense undergrowth, twigs snagged on silver fur, branches gently shaking as he passed. Hot, metallic blood filled his mouth- fresh and young. His latest kill.
Sesshoumaru had felt it wise to plan ahead for once, sating his hunger to minimise distractions. Why exactly he should concern himself with a good performance during the New Moon, he did not know.
A white ear perked.
It was quiet. Too...deafeningly quiet. Why wasn't he picking up the sound of Kagome's hands gently cupping water as she bathed?
The inuyoukai lifted his head- bursting into a blur of motion. Leaves lashed by his face, the smaller version of his true form managing to slip around twisting trees.
His black nose twitched, sensing blood. No, it was just her cycle. Thankfully his mind remained clear thanks to the herbs, keeping much of his intelligence instead of lapsing into instinct. Coming to a halt at the edge of a wafting pool of steam, Sesshoumaru located her immediately.
Kagome's pale, nude form lay on one side near the edge of the pool, arms tucked slightly towards her chest. The dispassionate way she lulled on the smooth, heated rock, ankle dipping slightly into heated waters- the slack frozen fingers. All of it was wrong.
Sesshoumaru's tail became stiff. Crossing the hot-springs in a single bound, he frowned down at her.
Vacant blue eyes stared sightlessly ahead.
Ah, the grey shadow has you.
That explained things. Noticing her body faintly twitch, he shifted, crimson eyes narrowing. Exhaling, he lowered himself, laying down behind her. A long tail swished, settling over her damp form, water droplets still sliding down bare skin.
Such a foolish girl.
He felt and heard it when she inhaled loudly- drawing in a gasping, wheezing breath like she'd been held under water too long. Violent shakes wrecked her body, and Kagome tucked long legs up, curling into a fetal position.
"D-don't..." she choked out. "Don't l-look at me right now."
She was so contrary. Sometimes she could speak about her pain easily. Other times, she had the same kind of pride reflected in a demon's heart. If that was the case, he decided against returning to inhuman form for now. Words weren't something she wanted. He nosed at her neck, prodding.
"Stop- please go away. I'm f-fine. The water was just too hot, so I needed a lie down, that's all."
Growling softly, he nudged more insistently- before planting a paw on her shoulder and turning her to lay on her back.
Sesshoumaru despised weakness. To be more precise, he hated a lack of motivation or desire to change a weakened state. Humans so often fell prey to complacency.
This was not the same. He hated the vacant look glazing her eyes as tears rolled down rosy cheeks- but the target of his hatred was the grey shadow. It had been his enemy before, gazing back at him in the eyes of a powerful woman. Mother.
That was how the Daiyoukai knew- this affliction affected the truly strong too. Attachments were to blame.
The second he touched a wet tongue to her cheek, Kagome trembled. She made a strangled noise, rolling and burying her face in the white fur of his neck, clinging tight as lean shoulders shook.
"You're the only one-" she grit out between sobs. "The only one...who knows what he felt like."
Sesshoumaru blinked, uncertain of who she was referring to until she kept talking.
"The weight of him, in my arms. He was so small and c-cold. It won't go away. But you carried him," the words fell into a broken whisper. "You carried him..."
Sesshoumaru could do little more than allow her to hold him. White fur became damped by her skin, clinging. He bent his head to cover her back, tail attempting to keep her warm.
"Am I doing the right thing, Sesshoumaru?" her hot, shuddering breath fanned against him. "Would my friends really want me to save Inuyasha? It's a nice thought. The idea that they died with no malice towards him in their hearts because of the circumstances. Because it wasn't truly our Inuyasha. But the truth is- I have no clue how they feel. It's just a lie I tell to comfort myself because I want to stop hurting. And I know if Inuyasha dies too, this pain will just get worse. This numb, cold fear that traps me inside myself."
Kagome pressed her forehead deeper into lush fur, mumbling;
"This is...my true self. It's so ugly. So selfish."
Sesshoumaru snorted, tongue sliding out to drag over her skin. She truly was stupid. He saw nothing selfish about it.
"You know, I was in love with Inuyasha."
He tensed, annoyance flaring in his chest for the first time. Sharp teeth glinted, unseen in the night.
"The worst part is...I don't know if I still am. Can you be in love with someone but at the same time be terrified of them? I don't want to be close to him. Isn't that awful? He's my friend, and he's going to need me to keep living but my stomach turns just thinking about it-" her breathing hitched, arms hugging him closer.
"And yet the thought of him choosing to die- thinking nobody in the world loves him. It's...awful. I want him to choose to live. I want him to fucking try to make amends instead of giving up! It's not fair- it's not fair!"
Sesshoumaru lay still, listening quietly as her tirade came to an end. The spark in her voice was back at least. He sensed the desolate despair abating, leaving her quiet and tired.
Her nude form shifted. No doubt she'd be embarrassed tomorrow about clinging to him so desperately in her current state. For now, she drew back, gentle hands framing his face.
Saddened blue eyes looked up at him. "You're so calming. Have you done this before for someone?"
Sesshoumaru stiffened, nose twitching. His eyes shifted away, grumbling softly.
With a sigh, Kagome settled against him again, petting his fur. Slowly, he found himself drifting off, lulled by her touch.
"I hope I can do this for you, one day," she murmured. "Or something similar. You really are...precious to me."
Neither of them exchanged a word about it in the morning. Sesshoumaru had simply climbed into the pool, washing her blood from his fur with little reaction.
As a show of thanks, Kagome had presented him with a library card.
"What is this?" he arched a brow as he held it between forefinger and thumb, watching as she cleared away the camp in preparation to leave.
"This is me giving you the opportunity to read through hundreds of books! History, Fantasy, Academics, you name it. The next time we go to the future, I'll take you straight to my local library. We can spend the whole day there if you lik-" she stopped, almost running headfirst into his chest as he appeared before her.
Sesshoumaru handed it back quietly, answering her surprised look with a simple; "you do not need to feel indebted."
Kagome blinked, embarrassed and somewhat ashamed, but at the same time recognising these things to be surface-level reactions.
Deep down, his sturdy assurance settled something inside her. She didn't sense annoyance or hostility from him. He didn't expect payment back this time either.
He'd just...been there for her.
Kagome wiped at her eyes, thanking him- which only seemed to piss him off. She giggled in response. She hadn't thought she could laugh during such a long-awaited, dreaded day.
"I really do think you'd enjoy the library though," she said offhandedly that afternoon.
"Hn."
They'd been flying all day, not far now from Inuyasha and Kikyo's location. What felt troubling was the lack of appearance from Naraku. No buzzing insects. No incarnations to fight. Kagome rode atop Ah-Un, muscles tense. Something was wrong, and she felt that Sesshoumaru sensed it too- left unspoken.
They had enough time to reach the Hanyou. Sunset was well on its way but Kagome estimated they had an hour or so until Inuyasha transformed into a human and woke up.
Abruptly Sesshoumaru flew forward with a burst of motion, soaring ahead.
"What's going on?!" Kagome called, bracing herself as the dragon attempted to keep up.
Sesshoumaru kept moving, picking up speed- wind lashing at his hair to kick up wildly. "I thought as much. They have moved…"
"W-what?"
"Inuyasha's scent is faint. It seems he has either been moved or awakened early from the spell. He is not where you last left him."
Horror clasped tight around her heart. "K-Kikyo. Where is she?" she choked out.
"Her location is harder to discern because she is dead. I can only pinpoint the half-breed's scent. It leads towards..."
His words drifted off in the breeze. Kagome's brows drew together.
"Sesshoumaru. You can tell me, it's okay."
She needn't have asked. It was there in the tight, rigid way he rolled his jaw, eyes narrow. The answer presented itself soon enough, stomach dropping the second she noted the familiar scenery.
A gaping crater swallowed the ground in a perfect circle- easily visible from up high.
As they drifted down closer and closer, Kagome's stomach wound into tight knots. Her breathing became thin, sweat beading on flushed temples.
Inuyasha.
Before they could do little more than loom above the vast stretch of dead earth where slaughtered bandits lay, Kagome jolted- crying out as she met something solid. "Ah!"
Ah-Un flew right through the invisible force, leaving her to topple free from their saddle and plummet.
Her startled scream rang out- body free-falling- until a tight arm locked around her waist, clouds cushioning her trembling legs. Kagome gripped onto the Daiyoukai fiercely.
"W-what was that? A demonic barrier?"
Looking up at Sesshoumaru for confirmation, she stilled. Golden eyes had flown wide. His arm tensed, muscles becoming stony and grip tight. Shock washed over his features, which steadily darkened.
He flew forwards again, hovering mid-air- but Kagome felt it again. A hard, see-through barrier. It rejected her body while accepting Sesshoumaru through, who snarled with frustration and quickly caught her, floating down to a forest outside of the wind-tunnels clearing.
"I-I can't pass through," Kagome trembled, fingers latching onto his silks in a death-grip.
"The incense," Sesshoumaru hissed out lowly. "We gathered the necessary herbs to eradicate a barrier meant for me but nothing for you."
Blue eyes stared ahead, barely feeling the solid earth beneath her feet. Everything seemed to stop. Sesshoumaru gripped Tokijin and attempted to break it- force his own energy to dominate and destroy. The barrier shimmered, still standing. Kagome grabbed her bow and arrows- launching a myriad of attacks at the thing. As a last resort, they attempted using Ryuzaburo's herbs, burning them and wafting the smoke towards it.
Nothing worked.
"There is little we can do, miko. It covers the entire area from what I can sense, and yet there is no source of its power nearby. We may attempt to find it...find Naraku, but with no scent to track we may be too late."
I can't...see Inuyasha? I can't save him?
Bile filled Kagome's mouth. She sucked in hard breaths, trembling. Cold realisation began to dawn on her- and she gripped exquisite silks tight suddenly.
"No. You can go through."
His expression dropped, becoming stony.
"You could save him, Sesshoumaru! Please-"
"Do not," he bit out lowly. Golden eyes flashed. "You cannot ask this of me."
"I can, and I will!" she snapped, hot tears racing down her cheeks. "I'm not asking for miracles. Just something. Try. Please try to talk to him! I'll try to find the source of the barrier on my own and then join you the second it's down! But you need to go now- Kikyo might be with him. It could be too late if we hesitate!"
"This Sesshoumaru will make things worse. I cannot speak like you. I do not save others with words alone."
"Just fucking TRY!" she burst, sobbing openly. She'd never felt more powerless. At least when her friends were being slaughtered she'd managed to move. Now her body seemed to have lost all strength- Sesshoumaru's grip felt like the only thing keeping her standing.
"I'm begging you. Please- we can't just walk away from this! If he already knows what happened, tell him I'm out here. I want to speak with him! If he doesn't- don't let Kikyo be the first to tell him. She'll try to encourage him to die with her. I know you feel no obligation to save him, but I'm asking you- pleading with you here. Please. Just try, Sesshoumaru."
Sesshoumaru's hand clenched on her hip. His lips peeled back in a cold sneer, sharp teeth grit. He'd never worn such a look of contempt before- nor directed it at her.
Golden eyes searched her face, nostrils flaring. A sharp exhale hissed through his teeth. He glanced away towards the crater's location.
"If he dies then-"
"I won't be angry with you," she said quickly. "I could never... b-be angry with you for trying."
A hand snagged her chin then, thumb pressing, resting over her bottom lip. Sesshoumaru bent close to her face, silver hair drifting around them briefly. "You are...infuriating. You dare ask me to save Inuyasha when I have no scruples about killing him?" he quietly seethed. "Wretched, annoying, bratty miko."
Tearful blue eyes slid shut. Kagome quivered, touching his wrist. "Thank you. Thank you so much."
"Your thanks are in vain when this one will likely do nothing but expedite the process of his suicide," he uttered, releasing her to eye the forest. "I sense the vermin lurking close by."
"Don't worry about me, I can handle Naraku. For a while," she mumbled, gesturing towards the waiting dragon. "Besides, I have Ah-Un here. I'm not alone."
"Be wary," Sesshoumaru drew back stiffly. A considering look briefly came to his features, "perhaps I may save the half-breed by killing his beloved dead miko first."
"So unwilling to talk things through like a normal person, huh?" she joked weakly, forced a smile and steadying herself against the support Ah-Un offered. "I guess you want payment this time, huh?"
"Indeed," he said gravely, watching her carefully.
With one last look, the Daiyoukai turned sharply, hair and silks billowing in the breeze.
"I'm sorry," raising her chin to watch him walk away, Kagome's heart did a funny thing in her chest, squeezing. This went beyond everything she'd ever asked him to do. She could tell from the way he held himself how unwilling and uncomfortable he was, but Sesshoumaru kept moving nonetheless. "Thank you."
Facing the forest, Kagome removed her spear from Ah-Un's saddle in preparation. She then lifted her bow from one shoulder and nocked an arrow. A strange energy was drawing closer. Whatever it was, she'd have to face it with Ah-Un. Under no circumstances would she cry out or call for Sesshoumaru's help. He'd already done more than enough. More than expected.
Kagome lifted her bow and fired the second she detected movement, reiki exploding to life.
Inuyasha would die.
Sesshoumaru felt it was an inescapable fact. This plan had zero chance of success, none.
She expected him to talk? Save his half-sibling with words alone when Sesshoumaru had never uttered so much as one kindness to his brother? Claws curled into the meat of his palm, digging in slightly.
The only thing he knew how to do was wound Inuyasha. Prey on insecurities, flush them out. He'd enjoyed it, taken sadistic satisfaction in Inuyasha's struggles when fighting him. Let him crawl like a worm.
Let Father see what a miserable choice he'd made in flying to Izayoi's aid that night instead of-
Instead of staying with them. With Mother. Right when she needed him.
Sesshoumaru let out a soft exhale which belied the depth of feeling lashing, snarling inside him. His very footsteps taking him towards lending aid betrayed his nature.
By no means was his deep-seated anger and hatred noble, but they armed him with the tools to fight his brother. Such skirmishes had built up Inuyasha's strength over the years. Sesshoumaru had even observed him grow up, albeit from a non-detectable distance. It had proved necessary since the little shit kept mouthing off at stray demons and continually nearly died while living out in the wilderness after Izayoi had passed.
Yes, Sesshoumaru could recall interfering from the shadows then. He killed stronger foes but let the weaker ones pass. Let them build up Inuyasha's skills through his struggle to defeat them.
It was never out of a sense of care.
Never...love.
He sought to make Inuyasha strong, so that he might gain a pale imitation of the fight Father owed him. A right of passage forever denied to him, much like his birthright, Tetsusaiga.
He'd been urged onwards by selfish motivation, always. Kagome thought herself selfish? How laughable. She did not know the depths of a demon's hatred and darkness.
But now…
Now a mere slip of a miko begged him to save the Hanyou? She...who had experienced such horrors caused by Inuyasha's own hands?
Why am I doing something so preposterous? Why-?
The image of watery, vacant blue eyes flashed in his loud mind. Her listless body lay unresponsive, sweet scent waning into something rotten. Would she break if Inuyasha died?
Sesshoumaru's teeth enlarged slightly, clenching hard and gnashing together.
It was surely impossible. Foolish, to even try. He resented her for even asking it of him-
And yet the Daiyoukai did not flee when white triangular ears twitched, perking in his direction.
Inuyasha shifted where he stood, overlooking the wind-tunnel crater alone. Sunset bathed him in soft, orange light.
When he turned to face him, there were no tear marks on his cheeks. No wailing agony. Ignorance and confusion painted gruff features momentarily, before hardening into distrust.
"What are you doin' here, Sesshoumaru?"