A/N: FIRST of all, BIG apology for how LONG it took me to write/post this chapter. We have to move again (unexpectedly, our rental is being sold), my computer was stopped charging and had to be sent away and kids are being difficult and we are all just trying to hang in there. Hopefully this was worth the wait though. Love to know what you think- things are going to get verra complicated.
Chapter 50
Eleanor slid off Jamie's lap and he rose to retrieve the quilt. He spread it out and then wrapped it sturdily around her, covering her completely in it, bundling her up in a cocoon. "There ye are," he said, amused. "Ye did always feel the cold so keenly, lass of mine."
She laughed. "I feel like a caterpillar," she commented as she ungracefully plopped back on the floor, nearer to the fire, but not too close to singe the quilt.
"Aye. Ye look like un. But are ye warmer fer it?"
"Yes, but aren't you cold?" Eleanor asked, studying him, for signs of discomfort.
"Aye, but I'll be fine. I'm used to the cold."
"I know you are used to it, but there is no reason for you to be cold."
"Aye," Jamie looked at her, with a sudden hesitancy that surprised them both.
"Come share then, James," Eleanor said, softly, beckoning him with a tilt of her head.
"Nah, I thank ye, Eleanor, but I dinnae think that is a verra gut idea." Jamie shook his head adamantly.
She looked at him, intently, and then sighed.
"This all is so silly. We are both adults. I just sat on your lap and cried- we were close then and you assured me there was nothing sinful about it. If that is true, then logically, there can be nothing sinful about you sitting next to me on this rug, sharing a blanket, especially if it is a need." She met his eyes, "Please, James. I don't want you cold when it is really unnecessary. I actually can't stand for it to be so." She gave him a small smile, "It reminds me of what you told me of how it was after the battle of Culloden and how cold and sick you were and I vowed that I would always try to make it so you weren't cold...though, little did I realize you trap heat akin to a bear, usually."
"Ah," He rose, "Verra weel, if it is truly makin ye fret," he plopped down easily on the rug next to her and she unraveled the quilt to allow Jamie one end, it wrapped around their shoulders. She turned her face towards him and gave him another sweet smile.
"See, both adults," she murmured, but then she realized that Jamie's face was so close to hers, she could feel his breath against her cheek. Her heart skipped beats and she struggled to remain impassive about the whole situation.
"Aye," Jamie murmured, "both adults. Tis true."
Eleanor's stomach flip flopped, her teeth absently chewing on her bottom lip.
Jamie caught in the firelight the tell tale biting of her lip and he knew that she felt their closeness keenly-just as he did.
He turned his head so his nose touched hers, "mo ghraidh, do ye still think this to be wise?" he murmured.
"But you were cold," she said softly.
"Aye, but I am also verra..." he groaned a bit, "I willna lie to ye. I canna be close to ye without respondin as a husband does to a wife. Tis why I searched fer the blanket before ye would notice."
"Oh, I noticed," she choked the words out.
"I suspect ye did."
"I..." she struggled, "I didn't want to make things...unseemly between us. I am a proper lady, you know." Her voice turned light, striving to ease the sexual tension now between them.
"Aye, I ken, but," His forehead now rested on hers, "there should be no doubt of my want fer ye. Tis fierce...the pull to ye. Do..." he paused, "do ye feel it too, Eleanor?"
"Of course, I feel it too." She breathed out, "My heart is beating through my chest, Jamie. I cannot calm the torrent of my feelings when I am this close to you."
"Aye, I can feel it thumping," Jamie said, "Ye dinnae have to be nervous...I willna touch ye...unless..." he paused, "weel, ye ken how I feel, but..."
She leaned in and kissed him, silencing his words...their mouths meeting for the first time in years. Her hand reach around the quilt to rub the stubble on his face as she did and he wrapped his arm around her waist, stabilizing her. He deepened the kiss, immediately, coaxing her, pulling her towards him.
And as the wind howled, shaking the cabin, the air cold, the night dark...for a moment, there was only him and her as warmth crept through her body again, filling her soul.
She pulled away, looking deep into his eyes.
"Mo ghraidh," he murmured, and then launched into a string of Gaelic.
"Is it what you remember?" her eyes danced in the firelight.
"Tis sweeter than I remember," Jamie declared and smiled at her, which she returned immediately. She laughed then, a thought crossing her mind.
"What tis it?" Jamie laughed with her. "What is so verra funny, alainn ros?"
"You say the most beautiful things to me... so much so that I think in a previous time, you must have been a poet or something..."
He laughed harder and pushed her hair out of her face, tucking a strand that had fallen from her braid behind her ear, "I dinnae think so, but I think ye fer the sentiment all the same."
"I think it is what I most love about you, Jamie, the ability to be so sure of yourself that while you are a solider and a warrior and a fierce one at that, you have the most gentle soul, in spite of the occasionally gruffness. It's a rare trait, but you are a rare man."
"I'm the rare un, eh, lassie?"
She giggled, "I suppose that sounds ridiculous considering who I am."
"Aye, but tis verra sweet to hear ye say those words." He smiled again, and reached up to tweak her nose, "I have a question fer ye."
"What is it?"
"Ye said ye were unsure of this. Why did ye kiss me just now?"
She swallowed hard and a smile came to her face, "I felt like it."
"Ah, but usually..." he smiled again at her, trying to be reassuring while taking the measure of her, "Ye ken I am glad fer it, but it seems a wee bit...out of character fer ye, dinnae ye think?"
"Perhaps," she hesitated, "But perhaps tis time to face my fears. John taught me to be bold and confident, but the depths of my feelings and conflict...tis a difficult matter indeed."
"Do ye want me then?" Jamie asked, bluntly. "As a wife wants a husband?"
She nodded, unable to verbally respond.
"If that is the case, lass, why do ye hesitate to accept what is here between us?" he asked, his voice low.
"I suppose, to be truthful with you, I wish to be careful to guard the memories that I have of my marriage with John, especially the..." she paused, "more intimate ones."
"Are ye worrit ye will compare yer feelings fer me to yer feelings ye had fer him?"
"Perhaps. I'm confident in my feelings for you and the feelings I had for John," She looked up into his eyes, "but when I think about how I pushed him away so hard after Hugh's birth...I wanted to be intimate with him, but I froze when he touched me. And I know while he understood, it was hurtful to him. But when I look at you, Jamie, I feel things...as a woman...deep inside me, stirring me towards you. Is it because John and I worked through our issues before he left or does it mean something else?"
He paused, contemplating her words, and then clarified gently for her, "Is it that ye dinnae wish fer yer attraction fer me to be greater than yer attraction fer him?"
"Maybe and that is so ridiculous," She said softly, "because I was plenty physically attracted to John...we were so attune to each other, body, mind, and soul...but after the baby, things changed...significantly. Or maybe I'm just older. Or exhausted. Or overly anxious about my health having such a significant scare..."
"Surely all those things would affect yer want," Jamie said, logically.
"Yes, of course, but in regards to you," she flushed again. "I don't think it does."
"Ye feel ashamed ye feel that want again."
"I don't just feel it, Jamie, I live and breathe it...with such an intensity... deep within me. You come near me these days, and I lose my train of thought...and I can't think straight and put two coherent words together. Because you completely unravel me...just with your presence next to me. And God, it's so embarrassing...to behave like a silly schoolgirl than a mother of 7."
"Or," Jamie said, evenly, "tis a joy fer us to feel so much regard and desire towards each other after all we have been through...to find our way to each other again..."
"But I'm so mortified I feel my desire towards you so intensely when I struggled to find it again with John."
"Ye shouldna feel shame fer things that are natural between a man and a woman, mo ghraidh," he again tucked a stray piece of hair behind her ear, "I didn't do a verra gut job braiding yer hair. Tis fallin out already."
She gave him a small smile, "My hair isn't well tied with a ribbon."
"Aye, I remember," Jamie smiled at her, and then took a breath, "Ye ken we are both free to feel what we want. There need not be any shame in it."
She let out a breath, "I understand your meaning but...given the last few months with John and I were such a struggle in that area, it's hard not to feel guilty that I look at you...and," she paused, "I feel such...improper things. And you are invading my dreams...and it's not innocent. It's quite wanton."
"Is that so?" He fought to keep his expression neutral. Years of marriage to John certainly affected her speech at times, though her modern vernacular invaded in unguarded moments, especially when she was with him and their children. "And I still think we can feel those things fer each other, proper or no and it not be a slight to Lord John."
Eleanor frown and Jamie continued,
"Do ye remember after our wee Rosie was born? Ye tried so verra hard to conquer yer feelins, but there were moments, my touch was fearful to ye. Ye dinna wish fer us to lie as husband and wife because it hurt ye and ye were afraid that I would look upon ye differently because I never had a woman I loved that dinnae wish to embrace my touch." He paused and then looked stricken, abruptly pulling away from her,
"Ye dinnae think..." Jamie paused, his frown deep, "Ye couldna have thought..."
"What's wrong?" Eleanor titled her head, inquisitively, trying to follow his train of thought.
"Lass, I must ken the truth of it," Jamie said, perturbed. "Ye canna lie to me now aboot it, not even to save yer pride."
"Lie about what exactly?" Eleanor asked, blushing.
"Did ye push me to Claire was because ye thought I thought ye and I lacked passion in our marriage bed?"
"I..." Eleanor paused, swallowing hard. "Jamie, I..."
Jamie reached out to grip her hand, tightly, "I just wish to ken, Ellie. To understand where we went astray."
She let out a long breath and then leaned her head on Jamie's shoulder for a moment, before lifting it again, "Maybe that was a factor." She bit her lip again, "Perhaps at that time, it was a rather big factor weighing on my mind."
Jamie remained silent and Eleanor's words came out in a rush,
"I mean...when you saw her again for the first time and I saw that look on your face that you couldn't hide...I..." she paused, "I don't blame you for it...I can only imagine how it was for you and for her. The thing was, l loved you so much and I knew...in that moment, watching your reaction...I knew that Claire could give you more...a more full marriage and...I wanted that for you...and I wasn't sure I could ever again...without it being such a chore between us."
Jamie looked aghast and then horrified and then betrayed, and yet, he did not pull away from her, accepting what she was telling him with a simple, "I see."
"I honestly didn't know if that was a factor for you," Eleanor whispered.
"Is that so?"
"All I did know was that the easy, clear passion between you and Claire hurt me, Jamie...especially at first...when..." she paused, "It was just so hard."
He reached out to touch her face, cupping it with his palm, "I loved ye verra much, Eleanor and I still do. But ye must ken the truth... I never thought that ye felt so lacking because fer me, it wasna the same...I was just sorrit ye were hurtin so badly after bearin our bairn fer us. Ye gave me such a gift in our wee bairns and ye suffered fer it. And yet, ye still tried to reach fer yer passion, even when ye couldna find it. And that was a gift fer me as weel fer ye to try...And I ken it would get better and the passion we had would return fully. Ye had doubts but I dinnae have the same doubts. Tell me, did I lack patience with ye then?" He looked at her steadily.
"No, Jamie."
"Then why did ye think the worst of me as a husband?"
"I don't know," She bit her lip, "I think I was just so scared, I got so far into my head and insecurities, that I couldn't think straight. I thrashed myself for it, afterwards, when I realized that maybe I was projecting my feelings upon you...especially when on the ship, it was clear...what lied between us..."
"And how ye could pull me out of the abyss with yer love and yer touch...how ye wielded such a power over my soul to drive me out of the depths of hell...yet again?"
"I was surprised it was that way though..." She admitted, "John said later that it was natural for me to be unsteady in my feelings considering I had just given birth and had two little boys running around. I never realized how overwhelmed I felt...until he put that time in perspective for me. Because at the time all I could see that you and Claire...what you had with her was so special, so untouchable."
"Aye, it was special," Jamie agreed, "But I never once thought what we had wasna special as weel. Christ, woman, ye restored my soul and gave me such joy." He gave her a small smile, his gaze intimate, "tis a wonder what ye do to my soul, Eleanor, when I need ye the most."
"Because I gave you the family you always wanted."
"Aye, tis true, but it went far beyond that," He shifted."I told ye that once I burned fer ye...but it was a slow burn, do ye remember?"
She nodded.
"But that was just at first...When we were marrit and still now...God, I want ye, Eleanor. To feel yer skin against mine, yer mouth on mine. Ye give me this look sometime...I canna tell what it does to me now that we are both able to feel those things. Fer Christ sake, if ye only ken...how hard it is to be this near ye and try to be respectful of what ye told me ye want." He let out a long breath, "To keep ye at arms length. Tis been verra tryin indeed, mo ghraidh. This to say, we dinnae want fer passion even if there are a few wee bit of..." he paused, "kinks to work through. Usually when that bonny heid of yers gets in the way of what yer body is tellin ye and yer soul is tellin ye what ye want."
She nodded. "I guess the difference is that...John and I were on level playing field because he has those things to work though as well...but perhaps, opposite to me. His mind and soul was committed to me before his body was, I think."
"Ah," Jamie kissed her nose, "but Lord John did burn fer ye. I canna tell ye how the thought of ye and Tryon burned in his gut. It woulda not been so unless he felt that deep passion fer ye, Lady John...and to confess to ye the complete truth of the matter, I still think of ye and Tryon and want to dismember a particular body part of his."
Eleanor's eyes widened.
"Aye, it is true. I feel the rage in the most primal parts of my soul...even though I have no right to feel such a way."
She swallowed hard, "Why do you then?"
"Because, ye are Eleanor." Jamie said, simply. "Ye are a part of me. I can tolerate ye with a man such as John, but Tryon..." he grunted, "tis insufferable, that he should have ye."
She titled her head. "But logically..."
"Tis nothin to do with logic. And because ye ended our marriage dinnae mean that the instincts to feel marrit to ye just disappeared. I punched a wall if ye recall when ye told me what ye had done."
"I remember."
"Did it hurt ye to tell me of it?"
She nodded.
"And why do ye think that is?" he prompted.
She forced a smile, "Because if I am completely honest, I felt like I betrayed both you and John."
"Aye, then...ye ken what I mean...of why ye and Tryon also affected me so."
"Did Claire see it?"
"Aye. And I think perhaps tis what started the divide betwixt her and I...I couldna let ye go...not fully."
"She seemed resentful that I pulled you into this mess with Tryon."
"Aye, she was, but it wasna yer doin...ye had to tell me of Tryon, to warn me of the Ardsmuir rolls...tis not what bothered her...it is the fact that I burned with rage towards Tryon...for beddin ye and the braggin over it like ye were some common whore. If John wasna there.." Jamie shook his head, "And Tryon ken precisely how much it bothered me...lordin it over me, like only the English can."
"I'm sorry," Eleanor whispered. "He is awful."
"Aye, he is."
"And the fact he knows about Hope..."
"Aye, but he is in New York and he canna harm us now. I wouldna fash over Tryon."
She nodded and then dropped her head on Jamie's shoulder.
"What are ye thinkin on?" Jamie asked, softly.
"I feel like we have finally resolved alot of our past hurts...and that we are communicating so much better...and...truth be told, I'm not sure I like that...because holding on to that last shred of bitterness towards you...deep in my heart, it protects me and it..." she paused, searching for the words.
"Keeps us apart?"
"Yes."
"And now there is nothin left, is there, Eleanor?"
"No."
"So what will ye do?"
She let out a long breath, "Come up with some other past wrong to hold over your head?"
Jamie chuckled, "No, my wee besom. I dinnae believe ye should."
She smiled at him, "I'm just so scared to leap in, James."
"Aye, I ken," Jamie cradled her head against his shoulder, "Christ, I love ye so." he murmured. "Listen to me now. Tis yer choice to make. Ye must decide how ye want yer future to be. I ken we can make this work between us. As fer what is rollin around in yer canny mind, I wish to be honest with ye. I never found ye lacking, Eleanor, in any area of our marriage. Tis what ye felt, but never what I felt. And I ken Lord John felt the same way. But tis a choice in front of ye...though tis not a choice between yer memory of John and me, tis a choice of how ye wish to spend the remaining years of yer life, Eleanor...however long that may be."
"John wanted me to be with you."
Jamie nodded, "But he is no here, so this is yer choice, Lady John." He paused, his look suddenly mischievous, "Unless ye only want me fer my body."
"Oh, my God, Jamie Fraser!" Eleanor laughed. "Stop teasing me."
He smiled and then leaned to kiss her on the lips. "I want to be clear with ye. I wish fer ye...as my wife, raising our bairns fer the rest of our days."
"Jamie?" Eleanor breathed, leaning her head against his.
"Aye, mo ghraidh?"
Her words were almost imperceivable. "I wish for it too."
Jamie's lips were instantly upon hers, finding her with all the passion that was long buried, unleashed upon her, taking her breath away.
He pulled away and Eleanor's eyes were wide, "My God, Jamie. I..." her mouth opened again and his mouth instantly claimed hers again, finding and coaxing her until her own passion sprung to the forward, until she was quivering all over again, but this time not from the cold.
She yanked herself away, the ache for him deep. His eyes twinkled. "Do ye doubt us now, lassie?"
"You..." Eleanor struggled to catch her breath, "you are going to slay me tonight."
He laughed, "Aye, I will slay ye to pieces, mo ghraidh, but I do think ye will enjoy the process."
She froze, not sure of what to say, wanting him desperately, but afraid of the passion between them.
Knowing this, Jamie reached out and squeezed her shoulder, comfortingly. "We have some business to settle betwixt ye and I, Lady John. Shall we get on with it?"
She raised her eyebrows, "What kind of business, Mister Fraser?"
He pushed himself up and offered a hand to her. He sat her at the table before going to the fire, stoking it and then reaching for the candles, lighting them. "I need to see ye...so I can gather yer thoughts from yer expressions."
"I am too much of an open book..." Eleanor said, wrapping the quilt tighter around her.
"Aye, but I wouldna change it. It makes ye endearing," Jamie said, sitting across from her at the table.
"What's up, Jamie?" Eleanor said, tilting her head, "You look very serious."
"Ah, I am," Jamie said, giving her a pointed look, which caused her to sober up.
"I'm listening, James," Eleanor said, "Am I trouble?"
"Nah," Jamie said, "I just feel before we allowed ourselves any more liberties, we need to be clear with un another."
"Okay," Eleanor took a breath.
"When I take ye to bed tonight, it will be as my wife, Eleanor. I willna have yer body without having yer soul and ye takin my name. It must be a deliberate choice betwixt ye and I tonight and I must ken fer certain that ye are ready fer it. I willna allow us to get swept up in the moment like we did when we conceived Hope...unless ye are my wife." He let out a long breath, "So are ye truly ready to make vows to un another once again?"
Eleanor looked into his eyes, "Yes, Jamie. I'm scared, but I cannot face a coming war and raising five children, and the joys and sorrow of this earth, without your hand in mine. I am certain of that. It is what I want."
"Verra gut," Jamie smiled at her, "But still, I canna deny there were things that worked weel in our marrit life before and things that dinnae...and we might as weel be open aboot it to see if we are committed to finding our way with un another again."
She titled her head, "I concur, but things got so much out of control after Claire came back...we always worked through everything as a team before...it may not have been always easy, but I do think you are right, through the struggle, we found so much joy...but you cannot keep important things from me, even if it is out of protection for my heart and to prevent me from worrying. I think everything that has happened these past few years should show you I am capable of more."
"Aye," Jamie nodded, "No lies. Agreed?"
"Agreed," she smiled at him, "and consent is still on the table..." she paused, her eyes on him, "for everything?"
"Aye," Jamie said, "but I willna touch ye in that way again, Ellie. John told me that he came to that conclusion with ye...that it did more harm to ye than gut...and I trust John's judgement. But that bein said, I need ye to give me yer obedience when it comes to issues that affect the children and our future. War is comin and ye are wise to it, but I am wise to the way war works when it isna in storybooks or history books..."
She nodded, "I will do my best to yield to your wisdom in matters I do not fully understand."
"Aye, I ken ye will," Jamie nodded. "Ye are much more reasonable than ye were back then."
She kicked him hard with her uninjured leg under the table, causing him to laugh. She aimed for his shin again, but he moved his leg, causing Eleanor to thump her foot against the table leg.
"Ah, damn it," she grimaced. "Ouch."
"This is goin to be delight, Eleanor," Jamie raised his eyebrow, "I canna wait to take ye in my arms and remind ye that I never had a need to beat ye to properly and fully subdue ye to me..."
Eleanor gulped at his unguarded look, her stomach quivering. "Well, as glorious as that sounds, James...and as wonderful as those kisses were," she paused, "I suppose I couldn't ask for us to go easy at first until..." a blush crept up on her features, causing Jamie delight. For he knew, she may have been married before, but when it comes to her and him, he had the power to unravel her defenses with just one look.
"Aye," Jamie winked at her, "Dinna fash, I ken I need to be attune to what ye need as weel as what I need. I can be verra attentive if ye allow me to be."
"Oh good Lord," Eleanor said, her stomach fluttering at the look he was giving her. She rubbed her cheeks, "Is it hot in here?"
Jamie threw back his head and laughed, "No, tis not hot. We are in the middle of a blizzard, mo ghraidh."
"Well, I am warm," she defended. "Must be the quilt."
"Aye, must be," Jamie was in stitches, so delighted by her response to him.
"Very funny, Mr. Fraser," Eleanor rolled her eyes, "Um, there is another issue in regards to that that is rather delicate."
"Oh, what is that?" Jamie asked.
Eleanor bit her lip, "I can't risk a pregnancy and I know you don't believe in...well, you know..."
Jamie eyes glinted with amusement. "I don't believe in what, mo ghraidh?"
"you know...birth control..."
Jamie raised his eyebrows but remained silent.
"I mean we know what happened with William's mother and didn't even think to not...when you absolutely should have...not like I'm not glad for it because I love William to pieces, but...you should have not..." she fiddled with her braid and let out a groan. "God, why is this so awkward?" She smacked her face with her hand, covering it.
"It has been a while since we have had to be this verra forward with each other," Jamie reached to uncover her hand from her face, and then kissed it, "Tell me, leanann. Do ye think fer a moment that I would ever risk yer life fer my pleasure?"
"But I thought you are opposed to it because it was putting our will above God's."
"Weel, I dinnae think when I have murdered, lied, stolen, betrayed trust, broke my vows, that the spilln of my seed is the sin that will doom my soul," Jamie said, bluntly. "Do ye think so?"
"Well, I never thought it was a sin to begin with..." Eleanor shrugged, "I just humored you because I wanted to give you that big family you deserved."
He kissed her hands again, "And ye have given me braw lads and bonny lasses and I will be forever grateful...but I want to be a father to our bairns with ye by my side. And I want to have ye as a wife...in the worst way. So I willna think twice aboot it. As I said, I've committed greater sins in my life."
"If we had supplies, I could use precautions myself...so you wouldn't have to," she paused again. "But come to think on it, those precautions didn't really work for Marsali so..." she frowned. Her stomach twisted, "Maybe it is too great a risk. It seems like you only have to look upon me and I get pregnant and..." Eleanor bit her lip, "I mean...God, I will die if I I have another child. It is a death sentence for sure and we have so many children under our care..."
"Eleanor, lass, ye need to stop this," Jamie chided.
"I'm right though!" she swallowed hard, "I almost died today and...this is the second time in a year and we have five children...6 including William...he still does need us and God help me..."
"Eleanor!" Jamie snapped and immediately, Eleanor's head shot up.
"What?"
"Hush now, mo ghraidh" Jamie frowned and then stood, pulling her up beside him. He pulled her into his arms, wrapping her securely in his embrace."Ye are gettin all worked up in that wee heid of yers," Jamie said, holding her tightly against him. He held her for a few minutes and then pulled away, tipping up her face. When he spoke next, his tone was firm, "Eleanor, mo ghraidh, ye canna deny yerself the joy of life because ye are afraid of its sorrow. Do ye understand what I am tellin ye?"
She bit her lip, "But..."
"Ye ken I canna abide by all yer buts and what ifs and we have had them aplenty tonight," Jamie's eyes burned into hers. "Ye canna live like this so worrit aboot things that may never come. Ye must put it to the side, Ellie."
"But what if I freeze at your touch now?" she whispered.
Jamie titled his head, pointedly."If ye become fearful at any time because ye are worrit aboot becoming with child and it causes ye distress in our bed, I will be patient with ye if ye will be patient with me. Fer ye must ken, I want ye because I love ye and wish fer yer joy, Eleanor, not fer yer skills as a wife."
Despite of the seriousness of the matter, her anxiety and Jamie's stern demeanor, Eleanor laughed so hard she snorted at his words and Jamie couldn't help but laugh in response to her snort,
"Ach, verra ladylike, Ellie." he chided, the laughter rolling from deep in his belly.
"It's just..." she laughed harder, snorting again, "My wifely skills...God help us if you wanted me for those...in bed and out. I nearly burned down your house, Jamie."
"That was only the one time," Jamie said, his eyes alit with amusement. "I had quite forgotten aboot it."
"I'm sure you haven't," Eleanor struggled to stop laughing, "Alright, Mr. Fraser, I will heed your advice. No more what ifs or buts from me tonight...or at least a reprieve from them."
"Verra good, alainn ros."
"So, now what?"
"Now, we hand fast again..." Jamie said, leaning again to kiss her. "I would wish fer a priest, but...seeing that it is stormin and...I canna help but believe God will forgive me...fer I am tryin to do right by ye...and I will have ye tonight. We canna be stuck here and just say all the things we said to each other, without it being so."
"Perhaps, God wanted us stuck here," Eleanor said, softly.
"Aye, maybe so," Jamie concurred, "I want to ask ye somethin."
Eleanor nodded and Jamie continued, "Would ye be opposed to a blood vow? I wanna give ye somethin more than last time we handfasted and I canna think of anythin more than that...but even so, it canna be like the one I gave Claire...I canna replace her anymore than I couldna replace ye."
"Honestly, we don't have to..." Eleanor said, "I understand- I wouldn't want you to replace Claire."
"But I wish to make a vow to ye, one that tis binding, one that connects ye and I further..." Jamie said, his eyes on her. "I verra much wish to."
"What do you have in mind?" Eleanor said, her throat dry.
"Perhaps, a vow to honor ye...and pledge my loyalty to ye...as my blood."
"Okay," Eleanor nodded. "You do know what you are doing, don't you?"
"Aye, dinnae fear," Jamie said, "Twill only hurt fer a moment."
"Are you determined for this?"
"Verra," Jamie said, still searching her face.
"Then let's start," Eleanor said, calmly though her heart was thumping through her chest, her ears ringing. "What do we need?"
Jamie went back to the trunk, finding a strip of cloth. "I'm gonna need yer help." He went to the bundle he had deposited at one end of the table and pulled out his dirk.
She nodded, her throat dry, her stomach in knots. She sensed that what would happen tonight would be another life defining moment in both their lives. His eyes met hers, his gaze soothing and steady. He nodded at her.
"Hold out yer hand now, Eleanor," Jamie said, his voice commanding and she did not hesitate to extend her hand to him. He took it twisting it, so her palm was up and made a small cut on her wrist...Eleanor winced at the shock of the pain and closed her eyes, a low moan escaping her lips, as Jamie did the same to him.
"Bear up, mo ghraidh, it only stings for a few minutes" he said as he joined their wrists together, "Grab the cloth and help me tie it."
She opened her eyes, tears in it, but she reached for the other end, them working together to tie it around their wrists, tightly.
"Now, look at me," Jamie said, firmly. Her eyes met his. "There we are."
He gave her a small smile and his tone gentled.
"Dinnae be afraid, Eleanor," his voice was low. "I am here with ye and I love ye verra dear."
"Do you?"
"Aye, so verra much."
"I love you too," she whispered.
"And I'm verra thankful for that," he said, his voice low, "are ye ready?"
She nodded and Jamie continued, his voice clear and steady, "I, James Alexander Malcom Mackenzie Fraser take ye as my wife, Eleanor Rose Fraser Fitzgibbons Grey, from this day until I no longer have breath in my being. Ye are my blood, ye are part of my soul. I pledge my loyalty and honor to ye and our wee uns for the rest of our lives. We are a family...and I willna ever deny ye as my wife again. I ken we have hurt each other deeply in the past years, but I beg yer forgiveness and pledge my devotion to ye forever."
Her heart soared as she swallowed down the lump in her throat.
"I, Eleanor Rose Fraser Fitzgibbons..." she paused, closing her eyes for a moment, "Grey...take thee, James Alexander," she smiled at him, "Malcom Mackenzie Fraser, to be my husband for the rest of my days on this Earth. I promise to love and honor ye, to submit to you even when I think you are crazy in yer not so wee heid.."
"Only ye, Elliie," He chuckled, appreciatively, "Christ, we are goin to have so many wonderful years ahead of us."
"I agree. But beyond all stuff," Eleanor gave him a wide smile through her tears, "I promise to trust your heart...for me and for our children. And never keep my heart from you again. I know this many not be easy and it may take lots of work on both of our parts, but it is my vow to you...to walk with you, hand in hand, until we depart this earth." She paused, "Now what?"
"Weel," Jamie reached with his free hand to pull something out of his pocket. "I have been carryin this around in case. Twas my mother's, ye ken, and Jenny wore it when she marrit Ian, but she wanted ye to have it if ye and I marrit again."
"Your mother's ring?" Eleanor's voice grew hoarse, "Jamie, I...I'm so honored, but are you sure?"
"Aye, I hated I never gave ye a ring when we were marrit before, but nothin seemed special enough fer me to give to ye, fitting fer who ye are...the mother of my bairns and the woman who restored and continues to restore my soul...May I?" Jamie asked, his eyes on her and Ellie nodded, Jamie slipping her wedding ring off and then sliding it onto the finger that already held the ring with the sapphire. He slid his mother's ring on their joined hand.
"Looks verra bonny on ye, lass. I'd kiss yer ring, but tis awkward with our hands still bound, is it no?"
She laughed, "A bit. So now what, Mr. Fraser?"
"Now this," Jamie yanked her towards him, kissing her, fervently, "I declare," he kissed her more, "that ye," more passionate kisses, "Ye are my wife...Eleanor...Fraser."
She caught her breath, "Oh my. I haven't heard myself called that in a very long time."
"And what are yer thoughts aboot it?"
"If it means I'm yours, then I welcome the change."
"I'm glad fer it."
"Me too," she wiggled her wrist, "Um...this still hurts, James."
"Aye, Mistress Fraser," he smiled at her, and then untied the knot. "Thank ye fer this...and the trust ye bestowed on me to cut yer wrist without even blinking."
"oh, I was blinking inside," Eleanor said as Jamie wrapped her wrist in a piece of cloth.
"Aye," Jamie leaned to kiss her again, "Apply pressure, mo ghraidh."
She nodded, "May I tell confess to you something I know is completely ridiculous?"
"Aye," Jamie said, applying pressure to his cut and then reaching over to make sure she was applying enough pressure.
"Despite my obvious want and the sincerity of the vows we just took, ..." she bit her lip, staring at the bandage, "I am still...for lack of a better word, shy about the prospect of what comes next."
"Are ye?" Jamie asked, his voice causal.
"I know that sounds silly considering our past and clearly, I'm no stranger to the marriage bed..." she chuckled, "That sounds very proper, does it not?"
"Aye, very much so," Jamie nodded, seriously, "Go on."
"I suppose this all feels surreal...and I've held such a tight grip on my feelings and my attraction for you...I guess," she paused, "now that is official and I know that this is for sure going to happen and it's not going to be so epically spur of the moment, with us being swept away, but more deliberate choice..." she paused, "I do not like my body these days...like at all. And Claire has only had two babies and I've had like a billion and a half...so...I just wanted to warn you. Like things are squishier than before...less appealing, i'm sure. And I have been pampered as John's wife, so I didn't have all the natural exercise that a life at Lallybroch provided to keep me fit. In short, I'm glad we don't really have mirrors at Fraser's Ridge."
He fought to keep his expression even. He cleared his throat, "Let me get this straight, lass. After the kisses and words we just exchanged, ye still have doubts that I want ye?"
"No..." she forced a smile, "but I wasn't naked, James."
"Oh, aye, I see," Jamie nodded. "Weel..." he paused, taking a moment. "I..." he stopped himself, "If ye wish me to say I dinnae want to see ye naked, I canna tell ye that and it be the truth of how I feel."
"I just don't think you understand that it might not should be the truth of how you should feel."
"Oh, I see." He laughed then, "I missed tryin to figure out the way yer canny mind works...and how we are so apt to go circlin around and around again with each other until finally reaching the heart of the matter."
"Hey now," Eleanor made a face. "We don't do that at all."
"And I especially missed yer verra charmin expressions," he quipped.
"Okay, okay," Eleanor's blush rose as her eyes dropped, "I just wanted to prepare you...as your wife. I'm trying to take care of you."
"And not at all to protect yer feelings?" Jamie challenged as he fiddled with his cloth and then, he tied his bandage around his wound and the reached out to put his hand over hers.
"I suppose there is my pride." Eleanor said, with a long suffering sigh. "And my fear of being vulnerable."
"Aye, but I canna fault ye fer it," Jamie said, his voice low. "Ellie, mo ghraidh, my love...ye must look a me now."
She raised her eyes.
"Ye just promised me that ye wouldna keep yer heart from me. This is part of the honor of our word and the trust which lies between ye and I as husband and wife. There shouldna be shame here. Heed my words, Mistress Fraser," Jamie said, his eyes intent, "Ye have always been and always will be verra bonny and appealing to me. If yer body has changed, tis the result of four bairns ye bore me and the godson that I love dearly. I promise ye...I will still want ye...in this way...until the day I have no breath in my bein...no matter how we change as we get older."
"I just..." she took a breath, "I'm nervous. Like wound up so tight, my bundle of nerves..."
He smiled kindly at her, "Dinnae fret. We are goin to be stuck here for a while...there is plenty of time fer us to make ye feel accustomed to me again."
"And that's okay?"
"Aye, of course," Jamie said, titling his head, questioning, "Why wouldna it be?"
"But it is so damn silly!"
He grasped her face with both of his hands, "I want all of ye, Eleanor. And I dinnae want ye to hide yerself from me silly or no. Do ye understand me?"
She nodded and then her stomach growled. "I don't suppose you have some whisky?"
"Aye, of course," Jamie nodded, "And I have some provisions as weel. When I ken that ye were missin, I packed some before headin out." He ruffled through the bag, "Bread."
"A wedding feast."
"Aye," Jamie grinned at her. "Tis some feast."
She grinned in response, "Hand it over then, Fraser."
He split the piece of bread with her, "We should ration. I dinnae ken how long we will be here. There are a few pieces and some cheese."
She clutched the quilt around her, "Now can we share the quilt?"
"Aye," Jamie said. "Come and sit with me on the rug."
She sat down and him next to her, she handing him part of the blanket again. She turned her head and grinned at him and he grinned back.
She took a bite of bread and Jamie handed her some cheese.
"think ye can tolerate some whisky?" Jamie asked, "And still have yer wits aboot ye fer what is to come?"
"A sip, maybe," Eleanor said, reaching for the flask, the whisky, bread and cheese ebbing the hunger a bit. She leaned her head on Jamie's shoulder as his arm came around her, wrapping the quilt snuggling around them.
"Are ye worrit aboot the wee uns?"
"Yes, I hope the children are not giving Jenny a fit for bedtime."
"I wouldna fash. Jenny has raised enough bairns that she dinnae put up with much nonsense."
"That is true," Eleanor laughed, "The kids respond to her and adore her."
"Aye, they do that," he smiled. "it is verra gut to have her at the Ridge."
Eleanor nodded, "I know she isn't my sister, but I did miss her terribly."
"I ken ye did," Jamie said.
"I always admired how she always spoke her mind, especially with you. Her bluntness and confidence...and the great mom she is. Some women, they just make all of this look easy."
"Our wee uns' difficult behavior isna a reflection of ye, lass."
"That is a very modern perspective, James."
"I think we do the best we can as parents...to teach them right from wrong, to deliver consequence when they go wrong, but as wee Samuel is a testament to, not everythin works the way it should when raisin wee uns."
"That's an understatement," Eleanor said with a sigh. "I just want them to grow up to be good little people."
"I have no doubt they will," Jamie said, "Even Samuel, there is a great kindness and compassion that lies in him, underneath the surliness and strong will."
"And Hope?"
He laughed, "Our bonny wee Hope. There are days I still canna comprehend she is mine and then when I look upon her and the force to be reckoned with, I dinnae ken how I ever thought she wasna mine."
"She is a Fraser, for certain."
"And our wee Rosie. So full of compassion and kindness, gentleness. The best of both of us, I believe."
"Along with Mac."
"Aye, strong and principled. And verra brave." Jamie smiled, "And then there is wee Hugh, my verra braw godson, who will undoubtedly be the most even keeled of our lot, fer he has Lord John's blood streamin through his veins."
Eleanor closed her eyes, for she was filled with bittersweet emotions at the mention of the son John would never see grow. "Yes, indeed. And I am grateful for it."
"Dinna fash, I have no doubt they will grow to be fine adults, lassie. Even if the process of growing into that is a trial fer their poor parents."
She looped her hand through his, "Like I suspect it was with you."
"Aye, I suspect so, but I am not sure what a fine adult I did grow into it."
"I'm sure of it," Eleanor said, softly. "Very sure of it. In fact, you are on my top 3 fine men list."
Jamie snorted, "I ken I am second to Lord John and I am verra weel with that fer John is my best friend, but who is this other man in yer life?"
"That," Eleanor poked at him, "Would be your nephew."
He laughed, "Ah, I dinnae disagree there. Ian is as fine as a man there is. A verra wise choice indeed."
"And then there is Fergus," Eleanor paused, teasingly, "Well, I suppose number 4 isn't too shabby, Mr. Fraser."
Jamie laughed, delighted at her teasing, "I suppose then, I must aim to increase yer good opinion of me...shan't I?" He gave her a kiss.
She giggled as he whispered in her ear, words for only her to hear and then nuzzled against her neck. They sat there for a good while, in easy conversation with each other before Eleanor eyed the empty mattress, wearily.
"So before we get too exhausted, should we make up the bed? If there is any sheets..."
Jamie raised an eyebrow, "Weel, there are sheets in the trunk. I dinnae ken how weel they smell. Brianna did put satchels in them to stave away the bugs."
Eleanor pushed herself up before hobbling over to the trunk. "Come then. You may be an eighteenth century highlander warrior, but you can help me make the bed."
"Gladly," Jamie pushed himself up. "Though ye should stay off yer foot."
"Are you trying to move up on my list?" Eleanor looked over her shoulder.
"Nah," Jamie snorted, "If that moved me up on yer list, I wouldna put verra much stock in it indeed fer yer judgement would be addled. I was simply ensuring that ye wouldna be in too much pain fer later tonight. I want ye badly, Eleanor. So, sit yer arse down on that chair and put yer ankle up. I will pack yer ankle with snow, fortify ye with more whisky. Just another sip though...And then, I will make the bed. And then after we talk fer a while and ye get all the wee jitters out of ye, I will take ye to this bed that I made and make ye my wife again. That is my purpose in the offer, not so honorable, verra self serving indeed. Yet I dinnae think in the end, ye will mind... Sit now."
Eleanor laughed heartedly but did as he bid. And when he was done, they settled back by the fire, delighting in each others company.
They talked for hours, laughing together, huddled up in the quilt. But when Eleanor yawned, Jamie reached for her hand, kissing it.
"Ye canna go to sleep, yet, mo ghraidh," he murmured.
"But I am ever so tired," Eleanor quipped and Jamie poked at her.
"I can wake ye up, lassie," Jamie said, "if ye'd like." He looked at her, studying her reaction, intently.
She smiled, "Will we be too cold?"
"Nah," Jamie said, "I can keep ye warm."
"Jamie," Eleanor breathed as he stood and offered his hand.
"Aye?" Jamie pulled her up, the quilt still wrapped around her shoulders..
"I want this to be perfect. I want this to be everything you need."
"Ye are already what I need," Jamie said, his voice calming, "Allow me to love ye properly, Eleanor...will ye no?"
She reached for his hand, threading her fingers through his..."Hand in hand"
"Aye," He kissed her hand then led her to stand by the fire. He gently took the quilt off of her shoulders, folding it up and putting it on the chair. Ellie twisted her hair around, playing with the end of it. He smiled at her and reached out to still her fidgeting. He reached up to smooth down the hair on the side of her head, his touch soothing. His hand moved to the side of her face, tracing the outline with his fingers, before tapping her cheek gently, his fingers dancing across it. "Ye are so verra flushed."
"Yes," Eleanor said, "for alot of reasons."
"Aye, I suspect so," Jamie said, a smile on his lips. His fingers ran across her face, down her neck, his touch light until it reached the tie to her shift. He gripped the strings and then looked at her, his eyes meeting hers. Her stomach nearly flip flopped.
"No, I canna," He stopped, "Undress me first."
She couldn't hide her surprise at the sudden change. "Why did you stop?" she asked.
"I dinnae think it to be fair, that ye have to be vulnerable first," Jamie said, his voice low.
Tears filled Eleanor's eyes at the gesture.
"Go on now, mo ghraidh."
Eleanor reached for the hem of his shirt, pulling it up over his head, untangling it from him, before tossing it on the chair.
She reached out her hand, but her hand froze, hanging tentatively in the air. "You are just as I remember."
"Touch me."
Eleanor nearly melted to the ground as her hand reached for him. She kissed his chest, marveling at the blondish reddish hairs. "How do you not age, James?"
"The farm kept me fit," Jamie looked down at her and what she was doing.
"Can I see your back?"
"Aye, of course," He replied, "Whatever ye wish to do, mo ghraidh, to reacquaint yerself to me."
She stepped around him and then kissed his scars, "They have faded even more."
"Aye."
"Do you still feel so keenly..." she ran her fingers over his back, lightly, "what happened?"
"I dinnae suspect ye ever truly forget," Jamie said, softly. "But then, there are plenty of other regrets to this life I do have, Eleanor that is far more troublesome fer my soul."
She leaned her head on his back and wrapped her arms around him, Jamie reaching up to grab her hands against his breast bone.
"If I canna ever forgive Randall fer his sins when he is burnin in hell fer them, then I wonder how will ye ever forgive what I have done to ye...and to Claire?"
He was being incredibly vulnerable with her, undressed both in physical form, but also in his soul.
"As you have said to me, we cannot go back, we must only move forward."
Jamie gently untangled her, pulling her back around him.
"Aye," Jamie held one of her hands in his and then with the other, reached up to cup the side of her face, "and move forward we will. I wish to see ye, mo ghraidh."
She nodded and he gently untied the ribbon to her hair, unwinding her braid. He splayed her hair over her shoulders, which stretched to her waist.
He leaned over to kiss her again, gently and then more passionately. He pulled away and smiled at her, his gaze reassuring, knowing the feelings which were running through her. He reached for the tie of the shift, loosening it and pulling the garment down.
He reached to brush her hair back over her shoulder, so he could look at her better.
"I want to ken every part of ye again..." his fingers lightly roamed, exploring her body.
Jamie looked at her stomach, "mo ghraidh," he whispered. "I dinnae realize...I ken John commented on it, but I dinnae ken how it would feel to see ye so afflicted."
Eleanor followed his gaze and looked down at the wicked scar that covered her midsection, along with sags and stretch marks. She groaned and took a step back.
"I feel incredibly vulnerable right now, so you are going to have to stop inspecting my scars. I know it's awful and off putting. Thank God for pretty dresses that hide such hideousness," Her voice cracked, "I tried to warn you."
"Ach, no, Eleanor! Mo ghraidh..." Jamie's eyes popped up to meet hers, "I dinnae mean to make ye feel bad..." his gaze was so remorseful. "I was curious aboot them. I do not find them hideous or off putting. How could I? These scars gave ye life when ye was aboot to be taken from all of us. I'm grateful fer them. Fer it reminds me...of how much I must treasure ye...and this new chance we are given. Forgive me fer makin ye feel otherwise."
"Of course," Eleanor shifted, "Can we go to bed now?"
"I wish to savor this, Eleanor." Jamie's voice was even, but not demanding.
She swallowed hard, "I just...I feel very inadequate. It's my fault, not yours."
"Ye ken," Jamie's voice was low, soothing, drawing her into his side, "Every curve. Every mark, tis part of the woman I love. I couldna love ye more at this moment, standing here in front of me in all yer bonny glory. My wife. The mother of my bairns. Ye have captured my soul...and my body. Dinnae fear lettin yerself be seen...and treasured...and loved."
He pulled her away from him and gripped her hand, bowing over it to kiss it, before abruptly sweeping her up in his arms. "We can savor this from bed if ye'd like."
Jamie's hand rubbed the top of her head, fiddling with her hair, while his other hand delicately cradled her chest. Their legs were wound together under a mound of blankets they could scrounge up, the room cold even with the fire. Jamie said they need to ration the wood.
"How is yer leg?"
"Oh, it's fine," Eleanor winced and then laughed, "I guess I showed my age just now."
"Ah," Jamie chuckled, "Yer ankle is twisted and now ye have a sore muscle. Sounds aboot right."
"James Fraser!" Eleanor admonished, poking at him.
"We both arena as young as we used to be. I'm goin to make ye take walks with me at the Ridge twice daily to build yer stamina."
"And here I thought you would want to walk with me because you enjoyed my company."
Jamie nuzzled his head into her neck, "Aye, I do. Verra much indeed. Except when ye are fussin like a wet hen."
"Why, Mr. Fraser, you are ever the charmer," Eleanor reached to grip his curls, "Perhaps, while on our walks, we can practice your post coital pillow talk while I build my endurance."
Jamie snorted. "Ye dinnae appreciate bein compared to a wet hen?"
She poked again, hard in his side. "What ever made you think that?"
Jamie nuzzled further into her neck, "I like hens. They are verra practical creatures."
"Good Lord, James," Eleanor laughed, "At least compare me to something more graceful and elegant...like a bird."
"Are hens no birds?" Jamie kissed her neck, playfully.
"You know what I mean, a swan or something."
"Aye, ye have a verra fine neck indeed," Jamie said, nipping her neck.
She giggled, "Anyway...if I am out of practice, it is to be expected...and" she poked him again, "were you left wanting?"
"Ah, no, indeed," Jamie rubbed her head, harder, "Yer wifely skills have improved immensely under Lord John's tutelage."
"Oh my God!" Eleanor exclaimed, shocked, but somewhat proud.
"I dinnae mean it in a bad way," Jamie said, but then laughed as Eleanor tackled him. "Ye have become a fiesty un, Ellie."
She gripped his hands in hers as she laid on top of him, "I was always fiesty...just in other areas. As for this, Lord John was a very patient lover. And it made me better willing to be freer and to let go of some of my insecurities. He was also very instructive..."
"Was he now?" Jamie asked, amused. "I dinnae ken ye wished fer such specificity."
She kissed him again, "You know Lord John. He could be quite particular in his ways. He made me a better lover, but that's good, right?"
Jamie rolled over with her. "aye, verra. But I canna say I was ever displeased with our marriage bed, Ellie. Sometimes ye are a challenge, but un I love to conquer."
"Conquer me again, but this time..." She leaned up and whispered in his ear, causing Jamie to chortle with delight.
"Aye, mo ghraidh. I do think that can be arranged."
Eleanor woke, startled. "John!" She struggled to catch her breath, the air coming out of her mouth in cold puffs. She was shivering but she felt hot and cold all over- her dream had been so fierce.
Jamie was stoking the fire, trying to get the cabin warmer. He turned his head, "It's alright, Ellie." He turned his head to look at her. "Tis just a dream."
She looked around the room, frowning, trying to gather her bearings. So much had happened these past few hours.
"What time is it?"
"Middle of the night, I dinnae ken exactly," Jamie answered, "Ye are chilled, lassie," he said, "it was causin yer dreams to be fierce. There we go. Dinnae fash, it's roarin again. It should heat up the room."
She slid up in bed, the quilt pulled up around her. "It felt so real though. It still does."
"Aye, dreams can be that way," Jamie said, coming back over to her. He climbed back in bed with her. "May I hold ye?"
"Of course, you don't have to ask to do so," Eleanor said and she slid into Jamie's arms. "Jamie, can I ask you something even it might be hard to hear?"
"I think if it is hard to hear, then ye especially should ask me," Jamie said, quietly, his voice low and soothing, "especially if ye are frettin on somethin."
She let out a long breath, "Do you think I dreamed of John because I feel guilty about you and I?"
"Weel," Jamie's voice was casual, "Do ye feel guilty about ye and I?"
She paused, "I don't know."
"Hum," Jamie held her tighter against him, "I dinnae think ye must figure it out tonight. Ach, I let it get too cold in here. Ye are shakin so badly."
"Does it bother you that I might feel this way?"
"I suspected ye would fight feeling this way at first," Jamie said, easily. "I wouldna worry aboot it, mo ghraidh. I dinnae think it is anythin we canna get through together."
She buried her head into his chest, "You are cold too. Are you sure there is enough wood to make it through?"
"No, but if need be, we will begin to break apart the furniture."
"Then, perhaps, my dreams are a reflection that I am afeared that we might freeze to death."
"Do ye think I would ever let ye freeze to death?" Jamie shifted his weight so he was on top of Eleanor, practically smothering her with his heat. "Allow me to warm ye, lass. And then we can dissect yer feelins...once ye are weel sated."
Eleanor let out a moan as he shifted again, her arms suddenly pulled up over her head, held tight with Jamie's hand and his breath began to warm across her body. And soon her senses were overcome with another emotion...and she couldn't say she was afraid...or worried about anything, any longer, completely carried away by Jamie, in that moment and the moments to follow.
London
"What rumors?" John's frown was deep, his forehead creased.
"I do not wish to say for I am certain they could not be true," Hal said, taking a sip of his brandy.
"I think you must say," John insisted. "so I can ascertain what slander is being repeated around London about my wife. Who was this man?"
"It was one of Tryon's close confidante who returned to London of late and frequented the club. A jolly fellow, but one who was free with his words when the brandy flowed," Hal said, "He implied to me that I should be concerned about the fidelity of your wife...that Tryon greatly admired Lady John, for her wit and her beauty and keen mind and that the rumor at the Governor's palace was a tryst that left Governor Tryon very put out by Lady John...and though it has been some time, it still occupies Tryon's mind. So much that he questioned her loyalty to the crown with members of his inner circle. Saying that she is responsible for the discord amongst the gentry."
John swallowed a gulp of brandy, "Ludicrous."
"That is precisely what I said," Hal said. He paused, "John?" he growled, "How ludicrous is it?"
"Eleanor is very loyal to the crown," John said, draining his drink. "Exceedingly so."
"And the other?" Hal grunted.
"Tryon has reason to be affronted for I had to..." he shrugged, "remind him of his place. He was too forward with Eleanor for my liking."
"So, if it is true that Eleanor believes you to be dead, then Tryon would be a likely culprit...if he wished to put Lady John in her place and create discord between the two of you."
John nodded, putting his brandy glass to the side, "I think I shall go visit the club now."
"John," Hal rose, "I am not certain that is a good idea. What good will come of it?"
"I will not stand for rumors to abound about my wife," John said, his tone even.
"You cannot prevent them, you will make the worse," Hal said, "It will blow over."
"The honor of Eleanor's reputation is at stake..."
"John," Hal's voice rose.
"Your Grace?"
Hal looked at John, evenly, "Are you certain this isn't about...what might come if Eleanor has thought for all these months that you are dead? Now that Fraser's wife is dead?"
"It most certainly is not about that."
"She is still your wife."
"I will not hold her to it," John said, his hands fisted, "If it comes to it. I think you should know. But I will not have her character so maligned unfairly."
"Are you certain it is unfair?" Hal asked, his voice low, "If she ran to Fraser..."
"She loved him before I. As he did her. And this has nothing to do with her and Fraser. But it has everything to do with Tryon...and what he has set in motion. And I will find out if it was he behind this. Now," John let out a long, impatient sigh, "Are you coming with me or not, brother?"
"Very well," Hal said, resigned, gathering his things, "But what makes you think that she will want to stay with Fraser if it comes down to it?"
"To be honest, I cannot ascertain what her reaction will be, only that she will be tortured by what has happened. And if she is suffered because of it and will continue to suffer, then whoever is behind her suffering will be called to accounts. I will not let this go. Regardless of what may have happened in the past few months, I am confident in my regard for my wife. I will protect her and defend her at all costs, Hal. She deserves no less."
"For giving you a son?"
John snorted, "No though that was certainly a benefit. For being the remarkable woman that is my wife. I will not see her brought to harm by any man."
"Then let us away," Hal said. "But I must say I am eager to meet this woman who has both you and Fraser under her thumb. She seems delightful."
John's eyes held his love for Eleanor, "She is very dear. I think you would like her."
"I'm sure I will," Hal retorted as he threw an affectionate arm around his brother, "especially if you are so enamored with her even after several years of marriage. I just do not wish to see you harmed in this."
"Life is full of harms, twists, deceits and dangers. It is how well we navigate them, that defines us as gentleman."
Hal nodded, "Indeed it does."
And with that final thought, the men took leave. And John knew that living up to his words as confident as he delivered him, would test and define his character, for years to come.
A/N: thoughts? :)