trigger warning

Chapter Fifty: I Hate You

Sirius hadn't been able to sleep. His thoughts kept him awake, replaying the events of the evening over and over and over again. Dumbledore had been furious. The guilt was eating away at him. He couldn't bear to think about Remus.

He didn't know what he was going to do. James wouldn't speak to him. Peter was going back and forth between the two, unwilling to take a side. They hadn't seen Remus yet. He was still in the hospital wing, recovering. Sirius didn't want to see him.

Sirius would never be able to forgive himself for what had happened. He had fucked up, badly. Remus, James, and Snape had all been in so much danger. As much as he hated Snape, he didn't want him dead. And he definitely didn't want to be the cause of his death. James had risked his life to save Snape. And, oh, Remus. If anything had happened, if anyone had gotten hurt, Remus would have been executed by the Ministry. And that would have been the last thing for Sirius. He would not have been able to live through that.

How had he managed to be so fucking stupid? How had he managed to let Snape provoke him like that? How had he not been able to keep his mouth shut? Why hadn't he been able to walk away?

Dumbledore hadn't given any punishment yet. He was waiting, Sirius knew, for Remus. Any minute now, Sirius would be summoned to Dumbledore's office. James, Peter, Snape, and Remus would all be there. And they would figure out what needed to happen. Sirius knew he was fucked. He wouldn't be surprised if Remus never forgave him.

He knew that Remus wouldn't be able to live with the guilt if something had happened to James or to Snape. And if Remus couldn't deal with it, Sirius couldn't deal with the consequences. Sure, they joked about how much of an asshole Snape was, and James and Sirius hardly ever left him alone, but they never wanted him dead. That was a whole different level. And Sirius had almost crossed that line.

The door opened, and Peter stepped into the room. "Dumbledore wants you in his office," he said.

Sirius nodded. He followed Peter to the Headmaster's office, neither of them speaking at all. They walked up the staircase, and Peter knocked on the door.

"Come in," said Professor Dumbledore gravely.

Sirius gulped as Peter pushed open the ornate door. James and Snape were sitting in the chairs in front of Dumbledore's desk. Remus was sitting off to the side a little bit. His eyes were red, and he had clearly been crying. He was pale, and there was a large bruise peeking out of the collar of his shirt. There were several visible cuts in various stages of healing on his face. He looked absolutely miserable.

"Have a seat," Professor Dumbledore said, gesturing to the two empty seats by James.

Sirius slid into the seat closest to Remus. He looked over at his boyfriend, if he could even call him that anymore, but Remus refused to even acknowledge his presence. When it became clear that Remus wasn't going to talk to him, he turned back to Professor Dumbledore.

"I talked to you all individually last night," he said, "and gathered what happened. Mr. Potter, Mr. Pettigrew, you did not provoke Mr. Snape, and you attempted to stop Mr. Black. Additionally, Mr. Potter, you risked your life to save Mr. Snape. Neither of you will be receiving any punishment."

They both nodded, letting out relieved sighs.

Professor Dumbledore continued, turning to Sirius, who bit his lip anxiously. "Mr. Black, I hope you understand the gravity of your actions. You physically attacked Mr. Snape, and your reckless actions severely endangered the lives of three of your classmates. Be that as it may, I am not going to expel you, though your actions would certainly warrant it. You will be serving detention every night for the rest of the year."

"What?" burst out Snape. "You're not expelling him? He almost murdered me!"

"Sit down, Mr. Snape. I am not expelling him. We are all aware of what he did to you. However, you did provoke him. You also did not have to go see for yourself whether or not Mr. Lupin was actually a werewolf."

"That's bullshit," muttered Snape, quietly enough that Dumbledore couldn't hear him.

"The last thing, Mr. Snape," said Professor Dumbledore, "is that you must not reveal to anyone that Mr. Lupin is a werewolf, or any of this incident. If you do, you will be expelled. Do you understand?"

"He's a monster!"

"Mr. Snape, sit down and lower your voice when you are speaking to me in my office! Do you understand?"

Snape sighed and flopped back into his seat. "Yes, Sir."

"Good," said Professor Dumbledore. "You are all dismissed."

They slowly made their way out of his office. Sirius was almost positive that Remus, who was a few paces behind him, was crying. When they got off the staircase, he let the others get down the hall, then turned to Remus.

"Remy," he said, "I'm so sorry. I'm so fucking sorry."

"Don't fucking call me that, Black!" spat Remus.

"I'm sorry, please, I'm so sorry."

Remus glared angrily at him. "How could you do that?" he asked, his voice dangerously low.

"I didn't mean to!"

"But you let him provoke you?"

"He was talking shit about you, and how you're a monster, and all sorts of things! Please, Remus," he begged.

"So you told him where I was, and how to get to me."

"I didn't mean to!" he repeated.

Remus shook his head, crying to stop the tears that still dripped down his face. "I can't believe, Black."

"Remus, please!"

"I don't want to hear your fucking pathetic excuse."

"Remus-"

"I could have killed him. Do you get that? I could have killed him. If James didn't come get him out, I would have killed him. Even so, I could have killed James. Or both of them. And then you know what would have happened? The Ministry would have come, and they would have killed him." He paused, his chest heaving, and glared at Sirius. "And then that's on you."

"I didn't mean to!"

"You keep saying that. But you still let it happen."

"Please, I'm so sorry."

"Sorry doesn't cut it," Remus spat furiously.

"Remus," begged Sirius.

"I trusted you with my life."

Sirius was crying too. He looked around, trying to find the right words to say. All he could repeat was "I'm sorry."

"I hope you're happy with yourself," said Remus quietly. "I fucking loved you, Sirius."

"Please, Remus! I'm so sorry. I love you so much!"

"Really? Because if you did, I doubt you would have let this happen."

"Please- I didn't mean to!"

"Save it, Black," Remus said, turning to go. "I could have killed them. Do you fucking get that? I could have killed them. And now I have to live with this."

"Remus, please!"

Remus turned, looking at Sirius with tears and pain and hate in his eyes. "I hate you, Sirius Black," he said, then walked away.

Sirius chased after him. "Remus, wait!"

Remus whipped around, his wand in his hand. "Stay the fuck away from me," he hissed.

"Remus-"

"You heard me. Stay the fuck away. I fucking hate you."

Remus watched as Sirius looked at him with tears in his eyes. Slowly, Sirius turned and walked away, back towards the Gryffindor Tower. Remus waited for several minutes after he had vanished, then went the opposite way, towards the Astronomy Tower.

He got there easily and locked the trapdoor from the outside. He didn't need anyone following him. He stood on the edge, looking out over the grounds. The cold winter wind bit at his face, but he didn't care. The tears fell freely.

He was on the other side of the railing, barely holding on. His chest heaved with sobs, and his mind raced with the thought of what would have happened, had James been a second too late, or a tiny bit too slow.

"I love you, Sirius Black," he whispered. The words were lost in the wind, and there was no one to hear them.

And then, he let go. He was falling, falling, falling, faster and faster and faster. He was finally free.

A/N:

i am so so so sorry. that's it. i'm sorry. i'm really fucking sorry. please don't murder me

first of all, i just want to thank you all for supporting me in this (painful) fic, i never thought i would even finish it, let alone this quickly. ur all amazing and kind and supportive and i love you all so much.

also ugh fuck i feel like shit. i relapsed last night/this morning. it's not bad at all, but i still relapsed. fuckin feel like shit. kinda fucked up my grades and i'm panicking my parents will be pissed when they get my report card. idk

UPDATE 04/10, 7:20pm (pst): SEQUEL HAS BEEN POSTED, IT IS CALLED 'BUT HOW FAR HAVE WE REALLY COME?'

take care, i'm sorry, drink some water, i'm really sorry, take your meds, get some sleep, i'm so fucking sorry. ur all amazing and wonderful and supportive and please don't murder me and i'm so proud of you. i love you all so so much 3

ktf xolyn