Little bit different format for this chapter of the Titanic AU. As we are looking into Emily's journal. No dates are included and I might include another chapter like this later if it seems to go over well.
Vivian wore the most lovely, frothy white dress. The lace was so fine and dainty. She quite upstaged Madeleine, who's dress seemed more cream than white and her family was hosting the garden party.
We all agreed that Miriam was the worst dressed.
She looked frightful.
Her hair was coming undone and her dress almost seemed to be stained.
I had heard a rumour going around the party that she and her family had something happened on the way, but Miriam wouldn't say anything about it.
It is rare for her to be so unkempt like she was. So most of us aren't going to hold it against her, she was still good company.
Kate and I took sometime to giggle and talk about Alex's upcoming wedding to Beatrice. Bea's going to make such a lovely bride.
Overall it was a rather typical garden party.
Getting dressed for it was the best part.
oOo
All mother wants to talk about is Alex and Beatrice's upcoming wedding. She wants their wedding to be the event of the season.
oOo
Mother is happy.
Bea and Alex's wedding went wonderfully and has been the talk of the town ever since.
It truly was the event of the year.
Mother is most certainly going to start to focus on finding me a husband now.
I think she'd like to marry me off to a titled European, but I don't think that Nanna or daddy would agree with that.
oOo
We've gotten some exciting news. My brother and Bea are expecting! I'm going to be an aunt when their baby comes.
oOo
Beatrice has had her baby! An adorable little boy that they have named Stephen Edward Piston. I am going to spoil him just like an aunt should. Nanna was just as delighted to meet her little great grandson and is as ready to spoil him as I am.
oOo
Vivian, Sophia, Carol, and I were all invited to Madeleine's parents ball.
It gives us all a chance to get new dresses and admire each other's brothers. Mayhap's we will take fancy to one of them.
Mother would prefer for me to become a dollar princess. Marry a penny-less European with a title who's desperate for money.
I don't think I'd like living so far from Nanna and daddy. Mother is hoping that there will be at least a couple of titled men at the ball for me to be introduced to. Maybe if he was handsome and nice it mightn't be bad.
It could be awful.
Mother wants to take a trip to Europe whether or not anything comes from it or not. She'll have the chance to show me off to more titled men that way.
Seeing Europe will be fun. It will be a family vacation.
Even Alex will be coming with Beatrice and little Stephen.
oOo
I don't know where to start.
I've tried a few times to take Nanna's advice and write out all that has happened.
My tears have blotched and made the ink bleed. I have cut those ruined pages out as carefully as I could.
It is so hard to put into words what I have experienced.
The horrors that I've seen and heard.
I don't believe I will ever be the same again. I don't know if I desire to be the same person again.
oOo
Let's try this again.
Nanna suggested that I try to write out what has happened.
I don't know where or how to start though.
How do I put into words what happened? How do you describe an event like that?
It's been weeks.
Weeks that I've spent crying and waking from nightmares.
I know I am not the only one.
My friends expect me to act the same as I was before the trip. I cannot. I don't believe I will ever be that person again. I don't know that I desire to be that person again.
The Titanic has changed me forever.
I guess that is where I should start, how we came to be on the Titanic.
Daddy decided that we all needed to go on a family trip to see Europe.
Mother liked the idea because she might get the chance to show me off to a titled man, a ridiculous notion in Nanna's mind. One that did not pan out for mother much to her dismay.
I didn't mind that so much.
Daddy thought we should go home in style.
As such, he bought us tickets on the RMS Titanic's maiden voyage. A once in a lifetime experience.
Which turned out to be just that.
It was exciting to think that we were among the first passengers to take a trip on the Titanic. The biggest and most luxurious ship in the world.
The trip started off ordinary. Other than Mr. Hudson running into me before we left port. I didn't know who he was then. He was just a sailor that Nanna was pleased over his manners and how polite he had been after nearly knocking me over.
She kept doting on how well mannered he was and even that he is an attractive man.
Which he is, but for Nanna to make mention of that- it seemed scandalous. It shouldn't be done.
I can no longer recall exact details of our daily activities on the voyage.
Nanna told me that she had written out our itinerary and had already been writing things down on the Carpathia, the ship that rescued us.
I spent some time reading, and Nanna and I did go to the Turkish Bath, which was a lovely experience, as ornate as the rest of the ship.
Sunday I do remember a bit more of what we did.
We all met up for the church service hosted for first class and went for a meal afterwards.
I spent time with Stephen as Alex and Bea did what they chose to without him. We ate our evening meal together and after Nanna and I chose to retire a bit early so that we might wash our hair.
We sat in front of the vanity in my room and put our hair in simple braids for the night.
We might have spoken about Mr. Hudson again. I believe Nanna had wanted to know if I had been trying to catch sight of him. Which I had certainly not been trying to do.
Nanna ended up waking me when we were told to dawn our life belts.
I didn't understand what was happening. Why she was dressing me in more layers than socially needed? Hurrying me the entire time.
We left most of our possessions that we had with us. Only taking the layers that we wore.
We wore our fur coats over everything.
The only piece of jewelry I brought with me was a necklace that grandfather gave me before he passed.
I can't stop my hand from shaking. I don't know if I can write what happened after that.
It was terrifying.
...
I had to stop writing.
The tear stains on the page speak for themselves.
I still don't know if I'm going to be able to continue to write without tears or a shaky hand. My penmanship will suffer because of it.
Leaving our rooms broke the feeling of peace that had been in them.
There were so many people either rushing around or leisurely loitering around which was only more apparent once we made it to the deck.
We did hear the band playing somewhere.
Nanna and I clung together as we looked for daddy, mother, Alex, Bea, and Stephen.
We didn't find or see Alex's family.
Which we later found out was because all three of them were already in a lifeboat and off ship.
We did find daddy and mother though. I held onto both daddy and Nanna, while mother also clung to daddy.
Now that we were together we started to try and find a lifeboat to board.
We happened to end up at the lifeboat that Mr. Hudson and Mr. Winters were in charge of.
A blessing. Though they were very nearly full already.
I didn't want to leave daddy.
Mother and Nanna boarded first.
I didn't want to leave daddy because I was certain I wouldn't see him again if he couldn't join our lifeboat. I was nearly frozen to his side. I had to be coaxed into the lifeboat.
Mr. Hudson was incredibly patient with me. He even promised to try and save daddy once the lifeboat was in the water. That was a promise that went unbroken.
Nanna was given daddy's coat and jacket to hold onto. So that they would be drier and warm for him.
My hand feels so much shakier than my writing shows.
The lowering of the lifeboat was terrifying and I couldn't help thinking that we were going to die.
Once we were in the water, Mr. Hudson and Mr. Winters started to panic me by rowing away from the ship. I thought they were going to leave daddy behind without helping him. I wanted to go back to him.
Nanna held me back and we did go back for daddy.
I couldn't watch him jump from the ship.
It seemed to take forever for Mr. Hudson and Mr. Winters to find and pull daddy into the lifeboat. They pulled in a couple of other men before daddy.
It's what mostly haunts my nightmares, or being separated from Nanna and not being able to find daddy or mother.
Before daddy was able to really sit and Nanna wrap him up in a blanket and his coat and jacket; something happened with Mr. Hudson and a gentleman he was helping into the lifeboat.
I don't know how it happened. I didn't see what happened, but Mr. Hudson was in the water. His friend, Mr. Winters was struggling to grasp him. Daddy went and help.
Together they were able to get Mr. Hudson out of the water.
The nightmare of a night didn't end there.
Daddy didn't want me to lean on him, not wanting me to get wetter and colder than I need be. Mr. Hudson and Mr. Winters rowed away from the ship again.
It was the most horrific sight.
A ship should not be at that angle in the water. There shouldn't be that many screams in the air, nor the crying.
I didn't want to look, but I couldn't look away.
I held both Nanna and daddy's hands.
I don't know that I'll ever forget such sounds. The sound of the ship ripping apart and people dying.
So many people dying, all around us. We couldn't even fit a single person more with us in the lifeboat.
The silence afterwards was almost worse.
It still makes me feel ill and shaken. So many people died all around us.
...
I had to stop writing.
I started to cry and get lost in memories of the night. There's still so much to be covered about what happened that night.
I don't know how long it had been since the Titanic sank, but I hadn't been able to feel my hands because they felt so frozen. Mr. Hudson was already starting to not do so well, but he heard me panicking about my hands, and came over to help me.
It was our first more official introduction to each other.
He introduced himself by his given name, Jesse.
He warmed my hands and claimed it would help him as well. It didn't help him enough. After he warmed my hands, it seemed like a short period of time in comparison to the rest of the night, that he collapsed.
Mr. Winters went to look after him.
It was terrifying to see him like that.
Then Mr. Hudson asked about me. Wondering if we could meet. That was our second official introduction.
I stayed with him from then on until we were rescued.
It surely seemed as if Mr. Hudson wasn't going to survive through the night, long enough to be rescued.
He was so still. Nearly unconscious before we sent him up.
He was so cold.
It felt shocking that he did survive.
I had to be introduced to him more than once on board the Carpathia as he started to heal.
There were so many times where Mr. Winters and I thought that he would pass before we made port. He was hardly conscious the entire time.
Making it quite surprising to learn that he had not been taken off ship at the time with the rest of those injured and in the poorest shape when we docked in New York City.
It was concerning that no one came to collect Mr. Hudson while the others who were in just as poor a state had been. It didn't seem right for us to be leaving the ship before him.
Mr. Hudson might have been doing better, but he certainly wasn't well. Daddy agreed.
Nanna chose to go to the hotel with mother and Alex's family. While daddy and I stayed behind.
It seemed to take a long time for those on the crew to finally be released from the ship.
Daddy and I had gotten a warm drink while waiting and I had picked an extra one for Mr. Hudson. Hoping he wouldn't have to be out in this chill and light rain for long.
How grateful I was that it hadn't been raining while the ship had been sinking.
We came across Mr. Hudson and his family not long after.
It was a dreadful scene to come across. Mr. Hudson was looking dreadful. All while there was an intense argument going on.
Daddy interrupted the argument. While I more focused on Mr. Hudson, offering him the warm drink.
Daddy eventually won the argument. Mr. Winters had to go with the man, while Mr. Hudson could go with his siblings to the hotel.
Daddy helped Mr. Hudson's brother get him to a carriage, which we all shared.
I ended up speaking with Mr. Hudson's twin sister Ruth.
Explaining what we had all been through and all that I knew about her brother's experience. It wasn't much.
Daddy had set us all up in the same hotel and we stayed for the length of the inquiry.
I spent a fair amount of time visiting with the Hudson's family in their suite. Miss Hudson and I have become quite close. She insisted that after a couple of days of getting to know each other that I should call her Ruth.
oOo
I have mixed feelings about how Alexander ended up on a lifeboat. I am happy that he's alive and well. That Bea still has her husband and Stephen still has his father.
He didn't face the water like so many other men had though.
Even daddy and Mr. Hudson had been IN the water. While Alex was in one of the first lifeboats and had paid his way in.
I understand that things were different earlier in the night, when no one realized how serious what was happening. That the ship was actually sinking.
It just doesn't seem fair that Alex was safe while daddy could have lost his life because he had to jump into the water.
oOo
This seems silly to be impressed over, but Ruth can make herself tea and make meals. She knows how to light a fire, garden, make and mend her own clothes. I don't know how to do any of that.
It's always been done for me. I've never had to do such for myself. It's interesting.
oOo
I can't stand the questions that my 'friends' ask about that night or things related to the Titanic in general.
I have never felt so unsettled doing the same things that I've always done.
I feel restless and listless. I miss speaking with Ruth and Mr. Hudson. Writing them letters, isn't the same.
Nanna and I do have plans to go down to Georgia to visit them though.
I am looking forward to it greatly.
The parties and gossip I used to take part in and enjoy, are no longer so enjoyable. Mother has been trying to get us to go to as many parties and dinners to try and get back to any decorum of normal.
Those parties are so boring and dull. The dinners are almost worst.
I don't care to keep up with the latest gossip any longer. It no longer holds any interest for me.
Those events are particularly difficult after a sleepless night, filled with nightmares.
oOo
I'm done with them!
There's only a couple of those girls who I care about keeping in touch with anymore. They're so ridiculous.
They don't understand at all.
They think that Jesse is some kind of charity case that I need to drop. I can't believe that they said that to my face! He's not some kind of charity case! He has NEVER been that to me! He's always shown his character from when he first ran into me. Kind and caring with a heart filled with love for those closest to him.
oOo
Jesse proposed! We are going to get married! I couldn't be happier that daddy gave Jesse his blessing.
oOo
I don't like the fact that Jesse is at sea while Europe is at war. It makes his already dangerous job more so.
The Germans just sunk an American ship. Not the one Jesse and John are on though, thank goodness.
At least they will be home soon for our weddings and won't go back to sea quite so soon again.
oOo
Jesse sent me the most surprising message.
He's going to be bringing an extra guest to our wedding. One he never expected that he'd get to.
His father.
I don't know the story about how he came upon his father, but this is going to mean the world to him.
It means the world to me that I get to meet my future father-in-law.
It seems so unreal. Everyone had thought him dead. Clearly he's not though.
oOo
I have never felt so naive and useless.
Why had I thought that I knew enough about running my own household? I know nothing about it. I can barely cook, or even keep a fire.
Jesse is frustrated, I'm frustrated. We're fighting because I don't know how to do these things that he does know how to do, but I need to learn to do alone and not have him do them for me.
I need to know how to take care of myself for when Jesse goes back to sea.
That's our source of income to run our home, to live on.
I never thought about how hard it would be to adjust to this lifestyle, to get used to living together. To doing everything for myself.
Ruth has been a blessing.
She's so patient with me. She's been helping teach me everything that I need to know. From mending to washing linens to gardening to washing dishes.
Jesse's dad has been quite helpful as well.
oOo
Poor Jesse. He's been so patient and supportive as we've gone to a seemingly long stream of first class weddings lately.
He's done with them and doesn't want to go to any more of them. With how we're treated at them, I can understand why he doesn't want to go.
oOo
Jesse has been so haunted since he's come home from this last stint.
Ruth says that John has been as well, as much as he's been spoiling her and their girls.
She hasn't been able to get John to talk about what's bothering him though. It was a rough stint for them both.
It was John's first one after his girls were born. I'm sure John would have liked to wait a bit longer before going back to sea, but he's not comfortable with Jesse doing too many stints alone.
Which he had already done one and was planning to do this last one alone.
Ruth has tried to get John to talk about what happened. We know that they were in Halifax for a time. Helping with the tragedy that has befallen them.
That has to be what has upset them so.
Ruth has said that every time that she's brought it up to John- he's changed the subject or he's set his focus on their twins. Particularly Penny and Josie when they're not napping.
While it's not surprising for him to smother his girls (including Ruth) in love, it isn't normal for him to be so unwilling to talk. That is usually more Jesse's thing.
Jesse has definitely been choosing to do that. I haven't see him so hard about opening up since before we were engaged.
I hope that even if they won't talk with us their wives, that they'll talk with Jesse's dad. I'm concerned about them.
The only times I've seen John like this, is in relation to the Titanic.
Even for Jesse this is on a more extreme end. I just want them to talk it out.
I suppose that part of their silence is not wanting to ruin Christmas, especially with it being the new additions first Christmas.
It's sweet, but I'd rather them tell us than them holding back. It might make Christmas in a couple days more painful than it needs to be.
...
It's past Christmas now and Jesse still hasn't broken his silence on the topic much yet. I don't think he's even spoken with his father about it yet, though I think John might've.
His dad has come to stay with us awhile. Claiming that he wants to give John and Ruth some time with their babies.
I think it's to give Jesse plenty of time to talk to him alone.
I have manage to get Jesse to tell me a couple of vague descriptions of what happened.
He told me that they weren't due in Halifax until a day or two later after the explosion happened. That it delayed them and it turned into a relief run, bringing supplies for them. That upon entering the harbour, he wouldn't have recognized it, if he hadn't known where they were.
That the site that greeted them was worse than anything that he can remember from the sinking.
It is telling enough about what that means. That he could hardly recognize a port he's familiar with.
He also mentioned that he's seen ports in better shape in Europe. The thought makes me shiver.
From John I do know that it was extremely cold- for Jesse to not have complained about that, it's serious.
I don't know if I fully want to know what he saw. I'm just glad he's home safe and wasn't in harbour when that explosion happened.
...
Jesse's been having nightmares. He's been trying to hide them, but I can tell. They've been coming regularly since he's been home.
I'm still not sure if he's talked with his father. I have seen him writing though. I hope that he is writing it out.
I do agree with Nanna that writing does help more than would be expected. I want my happier husband back though.
Ruth has said that John is struggling with nightmares again too. It sounds like he's at least spoken with Ruth about his nightmares at least.
She didn't share any details with me, but that is between her and John.
oOo
This is as hard to write about as the Titanic was- Jesse and I had been trying for so long to try and have a baby- only for me to lose our baby.
We were finally going to have a baby- but then I lost them- I lost them- we're never going to be parents.
I can't do this again. I can't lose another baby.
We'll probably never get pregnant again anyway.
The time for that has past now.
Daddy knows what happened. Nanna was here when it happened and Jesse told his family for us.
It's harder yet to know that Ruth is having a healthy second pregnancy. I'm happy for her and John, but it still hurts.
Ruth, who has struggled with her health is on her second healthy pregnancy, while my only pregnancy has ended with the loss of my baby.
oOo
I've been having more nightmares again.
They started after Jesse left for his current stint. It included a promotion, but it's a longer stint than he's had in years.
I miss him.
He is the best at soothing me after the type of nightmares that I've been having.
It hasn't been the Titanic alone appearing in my dreams, but my miscarriage as well.
The most recent dream, included Jesse and I being stuck in a lifeboat. Which isn't an unusual start to these kind of nightmares.
Though having a miscarriage at the same time is.
I've never had those two events in the same nightmare beforehand.
I miss Jesse. I wish he were home.
I am glad that Nanna is staying with me, but it's not the same as having Jesse home with me.
It doesn't help that I haven't been feeling the best lately either. I was almost feeling off since I saw Jesse off. I think part of it is just not wanting him to be gone that long.
It's not like I'm alone in this.
John has also gone on this stint. Leaving Ruth and their kids for the six months as well.
She; at least, has her babies and her father to help keep her occupied.
It cuts down on our visits, because her kids; rightly so, come before my loneliness.
I just don't want to go through losing another baby. I don't think I could handle it.
It's been nearly three years since we lost our little one and it still hurts.
I never got to hold them or name them. Learn whether they were a girl or boy. Some days it's still so hard.
Harder than I wish it was.
I think Nanna and I will go and visit Ruth today. I don't feel like being alone.
oOo
This is the first year that Jesse has been gone at about this time since our miscarriage.
I think that's why I'm having so many nightmares.
I had one again last night and I know I won't be going back to sleep after it.
I was stuck on the Titanic with daddy. I was frozen in spot. I couldn't move to get to the lifeboat, no matter how much Jesse pleaded with me, begging me to just get onto the lifeboat before he had to lower away.
I couldn't move, and no one would force me to go.
Then I was suddenly pregnant or maybe I was always pregnant and I just hadn't realized it.
Jesse begging me for our baby's life to just reach out to him so he could get me into the lifeboat. Fear had me unable to move, though I knew the lifeboat was safety. What little I could move, felt like trying to move through molasses or honey.
It was terrifying.
I didn't want to hurt our baby, but I just couldn't move.
I hope I didn't wake Nanna when I woke. She deserves the sleep. At least one of us should get to sleep, even if I can't.
I wish Jesse was here. He'd understand.
I hope that he's not struggling as much as I am now that it's this time of year. Waiting for Jesse to come home from his stint is going to feel much too long this time.
oOo
I now know why I've been having so many nightmares lately.
Well- that's not quite true.
I've had an inkling for awhile, I haven't wanted to think deeper on it before Nanna confronted me on it.
It explains the type of nightmares I've been having as well.
I don't want to tell Jesse too soon.
What if something were to happen before he gets home and I had gotten his hopes up for naught. I don't want to tell him we're expecting, only to dash his hopes because I made a mistake.
I want him to know though as well. It's a conflicting place to be in.
oOo
Mother has taken no interest in the fact that I'm finally expecting and am comfortable telling people so.
This is why I never told her about my miscarriage in the first place. What right does she have to know, when she won't care?
Daddy and Nanna are excited for us. Nanna had come to stay with me when Jesse was gone, but has stayed and will be staying until after baby comes. Even though Jesse has come home early from his stint.
I'm so glad that he has. I wasn't doing well with him gone.
oOo
A baby girl.
We have a perfectly sweet, adorable little girl named Abigail Anne.
She's an answered prayer.
One a long time in the coming.
Jesse's enamoured by OUR little one.
Finally our own little one. If only she had her older sibling here for her.
oOo
Abby has asked everyday for Jesse. Wondering where daddy is. When he'll be home. It's so sweet, and also a little hard. She doesn't yet understand that her daddy will be gone for weeks at a time.
oOo
Abby and I have started tracking where Jesse will be everyday on a map. We both treasure every message Jesse gets to send us.
oOo
Mother is awful to Abigail. Every year it only seems to become more apparent.
She treats my daughter like some half-breed.
Abby is only 5 and she can tell that her grandmother treats her differently from her cousins.
We ended up changing our plans to visit my parents and Alex.
Abby didn't want to see her grandmother and asked if her cousins could visit here instead of going to see them sometime. Instead the three of us are going to the shore for a week.
Daddy insisted that he pay for our trip.
It sounds like he might drop by as a surprise for Abby on our trip.
At least daddy knows how to be a good grandparent to her. Both of her grandfathers love her to bits.
I'm blessed that Nanna is around and gives Abby the love that she should get from a grandmother.
oOo
Daddy bought Abby a beautiful globe for her birthday gift. He knew that she's been enjoying our tracking of Jesse's travels and thought that the globe might be a better way to do so.
oOo
Jesse told me about an encounter that he and John had with a young man. A young sailor about the age of 24, give or take.
It turns out that he was a boy on our lifeboat and wanted to tell Jesse and John how they inspired him to become a sailor.
oOo
Jesse has been promoted to captain. He's being given his first command in a few weeks. John will be his first officer and he has a bunch of crew who are willing to sign on under him.
oOo
Abigail might be 10 now, but she's still as precious as ever.
Jesse came upon her trying to pack her globe so that she still might trace the route we're traveling.
He was able to convince her to leave it unpacked and at home because he promised her to show her the nautical charts on the bridge and how they're used.
She lives in her sailor dresses and won't wear any other dresses unless it's for a more formal setting.
It's a struggle to get her to agree to not wear her favourite style.
oOo
It's so nice getting the chance to travel with him. Even if he is working.
oOo
Now that Abigail is 16, we have started to bring her with us when we eat with the first class passengers and not just the lower two classes.
oOo
The stowaway that has so been bothering Jesse has been found. By our daughter none the less.
The stowaway ended up being John's nephew, his sister's son, Nicholas. He's been put to work to earn his passage.
oOo
Abby and Nick have been keeping in touch since his stowing away. The pair of them are sweet.
oOo
My baby is getting married to the once stowaway Nick.
John is thrilled about the fact that his 'lovebirds' are getting married. He teases the pair as mercilessly as he does Jesse. Though Jesse can and does order him to shut up.
oOo
Abby and I had a conversation about my miscarriage today. She's old enough to understand now.
oOo
We're grandparents to a beautiful little boy named Aaron William McQueen. How blessed are we.
oOo
Jesse has decided to buy himself a car after seeing it race at one of Stephen and Bernard's automotive racing series.