Chapter 51: A Big Step

"I hate that slut, I could take out her eyes with a rusty spoon…" muttered Meredith staring fixedly at her plate, deliberately avoiding looking at Dr. Miles who joined Mark and Derek at their table in the cafeteria just a minute ago.

"Tell me something I don't know," sighed Addie.

"They're betting, they're betting when he's going to sleep with her," Meredith gritted out, gripping her plastic fork so tightly that her knuckles went white.

"Mer, you're caring too much for what common gossipers say."

"Easy for you to say," snapped at her Meredith. "I wonder what would you do if the whore was going after McSteamy."

"That's simple," shrugged Addison. "I would tell her to fuck off."

"Well, I can't do that," bit back Mer sarcastically.

"She'd leave Grace to ridicule in the middle of her precious trial," commented Addison observing her friend's face closely. "But that's not your biggest concern…"

"Of course, it is," lied Meredith. "I need to protect my hospital, even if it's at odds with my private interest."

"What bullshit," smirked Addison. "You're just hell-bent on continuing to play hide and seek with Derek."

"It's better like this," said Meredith with a small voice.

"Sure," sighed Addison. "Have you already told him that you're not going with him to the mixer or you're still leading him on?"

"I am not!"

"You've been evading giving him a decisive answer for days repeating over and over again that you need to think," went on Addison pitilessly. "What would you call that?"

It was all true, she was avoiding the subject of the mixer for three weeks with a changing success. It always came up in conversation at some point, no matter if Derek hinted at it, mentioned it in passing, deliberately opened the subject or blatantly argued with her. Arguments happened alarmingly often between them these days. Meredith couldn't fully contain her jealousy whereas Derek was getting impatient with her stalling.

"I'll tell him today," replied quietly Meredith.

"About time," remarked Addison. "The mixer's tomorrow, remember?"

"Hard not to remember, "sighed Meredith raking her food purposelessly.

The committee including George O'Malley, Cristina Yang and Patricia chose a group of interns that were to begin their work at Seattle Grace this fall. One of them was Meredith's half-sister, Alexandra Grey. Everything indicated that Meredith might see her tomorrow evening, during the mixer.

"Meredith, are you sure you won't change your mind?" asked Addison more softly. "Derek wants to be at your side. Permanently. Why can't you let him?"

"I don't know," she managed to utter. Maybe because it would be the ultimate break with her old lifestyle, her previous solitary existence. Why was it so hard to leave it behind her if being with Derek seemed happier, warmer… yet scarier.

She was standing stiffly with her hands gripping the edge of a small table in the on-call room.

"I… uhm…" started Meredith casting her eyes down almost shamefully, her loose hair framing her face and hiding it from his view...

"You're not ready for this," finished for her Derek, leaning against the bunk bed, his hands in the pockets of his lab coat.

"No," she shook her head. She glanced at him, only to resume staring at the floor. She couldn't brace herself to meet the pain in his eyes.

"I ask for too much," he stated more than asked.

"I think so," some destructive force pushed her to say.

"So, this is it?" he asked causally, a hint of disbelief in his voice. They could be discussing a medical problem with the same polite intonation.

Her lips trembled. "Yeah," she breathed out. Terrifying, how one monosyllable could break one's heart and cast it into the abyss of grief.

"We're breaking up," he clarified, ripping the wounds open without anesthesia.

"We're breaking up," she said following him into the pain.

He moved up to her silently, his lips fixed in a smile that was always the first thing greeting her in the morning. She knew and loved that look so much... then his lids covered his eyes leisurely and he gazed at her from under his eyelashes… But right now, his regard was hollow.

"We're broken up," he whispered studying every inch of her face longingly, like they would leave this room and part for a lifetime.

She tried to look at him coldly, but she melted in such a close proximity to his warmth. He eyed her lips, her eyes and her lips again. A thunder rumbled somewhere in the distance followed by a dead silence as they inched closer together and closer… She lowered her head dejectedly. Her heart was beating out of her chest, but they were broken up. A deep sigh escaped her…

Her parted lips called him, they belonged to him just minutes ago… he caught them with his, pushing her hair out of their way coaxing her mouth wider with his thumb.

His hands flung the lapels of her coat open. Her fingers grazed his chest and he needed no further encouragement on her part.

"Break-up kiss," his hot breath fanned her face.

"Break-up kiss," she whispered with equal desire.

He cupped her face firmly. Their passion overtook them, their tongues danced blindly. She slid the lab coat off his shoulders while he tugged at her belt. The need to feel their bodies against each other, skin on skin, was overwhelming.

"Let's have some break-up sex," she said quietly. One last time.

"Break-up sex…"

Her fingers wove into his locks and she felt the sweet pressure of his body…

"Meredith, Meredith," his gentle voice sounded in her ear.

She opened her eyes and jerked disorientated. The storm was raging outside. She was in her street clothes, in an on-call room, on a bed… Derek was crouching beside, leaning over her, fully clothed. She must have fallen asleep waiting for him.

She tried to catch her breath, pushing her hair from her sweaty face. It was a bad dream… but it felt so real… She had to make sure it wouldn't ever come true.

"I'm sorry it took me so long," he said with concern in his voice at the sight of her pale face. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah," she nodded fervently propping herself on her elbow. "Yeah, yeah… about the mixer, Derek-"

"I understand, Mer," he nodded with a small smile. "You're not ready."

"No!" she yelled grabbing his hand. "I… am… I will be!"

"You… what are you saying?" he asked, out of breath.

"Let's… let's go together… tomorrow…" she spluttered.

"You want to…?"

"Yes," she caressed his fingers absent-mindedly. "I want you."

"So… tomorrow…" he breathed out.

"Yeah," she nodded breathlessly.

"Yeah," he smiled kissing her lightly on the lips. He took off his shoes and slipped on the bed beside her, dragging a blanket over their bodies. "I thought you'd want us to wait longer."

"You did?" she asked anxiously.

"Yes," he answered simply hooking his arm around her waist. "I've been watching you struggle. I thought you had refusal on the tip of your tongue every time you laid your eyes on me."

"Well, I didn't," she said more resolutely than she felt. "You don't have to ditch me anymore."

"What?" choked Derek. "What are you talking about?"

He was answered only with her silence.

"You think I was going to leave if you said no?" he asked tormented. "Meredith, it was not an ultimatum. Look at me," he made her face him. "I know we've been rocky recently, but every couple argues sometimes. It doesn't mean it's the reason to break up."

"So, you wouldn't…?" she snuggled into his warm embrace.

"No," he breathed deeply inhaling her flowery scent. She really wasn't confident in their relationship. "You don't have to worry. If you'd prefer us to go separately tomorrow, I understand. and I'll still be by your side. I don't want to force you into anything," he assured, though his voice was somewhat deflated and disappointed.

"We're going," she announced firmly. "We're going."

"Meredith…"

"I made up my mind," she cut him across. "Don't argue!"

"Yes, Chief," he chuckled. "You're going home tonight? You shouldn't drive, you're worn out."

"More mentally than physically," she shrugged. "I'm okay. I just want… to lie down with you for a while…"

"Yeah, it feels good," he inhaled deeply, closing his eyes as their foreheads met on the pillow. "I love you, Meredith."

"I'll never get tired of hearing that," she smiled slightly and relaxed her body in the safety of his arms. "I love you too."