"I can't go back to yesterday because I was a different person then." - Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland
Ballarat, Victoria
8 June 1942
"Have fun, love," Jack smiled as Alice got her suitcase from the back seat; he'd driven her up to Ballarat when the train tickets sold out before she could grab one.
"Thank you, Jack, for driving me."
"Of course, you'll let me know when you need to come back?"
"I'll be taking the train, but yes."
Jack squeezed her hand before he drove off, leaving Alice in the quiet neighborhood. She looked up at the house Matthew had described to her in his letters and could imagine a smaller Matthew and his sister running around the front garden while a woman worked in the flowerbeds; it was nice, showing its age in the faded and somewhat chipped paint, but the flowers brightened everything up. She liked the picket fence around the house - it was in need of a whitewash, but charming overall - as she stepped through the gate and walked up to the front door; knocking, Alice shifted her weight from foot to foot and hoisted the camera bag higher on her shoulder, wondering if she'd be up to snuff for Matthew's mum.
Outside of her own mother - a quiet woman that Peg took after in looks, who hadn't tried very hard to keep her husband from harming Alice and her sister (her absentmindedness had Alice acting out - her own stubbornness and need to protect Peg didn't help keep the peace between her and her father) - and Wardlow, Alice hadn't met many women willingly; she wasn't sought out for friendship nor did she - until meeting Matthew - date someone long or often enough to meet their family.
Shivering as a cold blast of wind cut through her relatively thin coat (she should have grabbed a heavier one), Alice turned when the door opened and was surprised to see an older-looking Vera standing there. No, it wasn't an older Vera, but she could see where Matthew's sister got a lot of her looks from; the eyes, however, were all Matthew, and it made it hard to breathe.
Oh, how she missed him.
"You must be Alice," the woman smiled when Alice nodded. "Come in! Come in! It's cold out there today. How was the journey? How are you liking Ballarat so far? How do you take your tea?"
Matthew hadn't warned her of his mother's questions - luckily being around Vera had prepared her somewhat for his mum. She was directed to put her belongings at the bottom of the stairs (her jacket hung up by the hall) and then led into the warm kitchen; Matthew's mum bustled around as Alice sat at the table - the wooden surface worn to a smooth, shiny surface from all the years of use.
"Journey was good; I haven't seen much of Ballarat, but it seems nice and quiet. And I take my tea with milk and honey if you have it."
"Ballarat is quiet - sometimes too quiet according to the gossips of the town, but I do love it. A good place to live and a good place to raise a family."
Alice's cheeks warmed a little as Matthew's mum put a cup of tea in front of her; she cleared her throat when the older woman sat caddy-corner to her at the table. Matthew said his mother wasn't pressuring him to marry and settle down to continue the Lawson line, so maybe she was being a little paranoid about his mum saying Ballarat was a good place to raise a family.
"I'm Charlotte, by the way," his mum smiled. "Not sure if Matty told you my name with all your letters."
"He hadn't, but he does mention you a lot, and it made me look forward to meeting you."
"Sweet girl," Charlotte patted her hand.
Alice hadn't been called a girl in years and usually, she bristled at the label, but this was Matthew's mum - who was old enough to be her mother; she didn't mind it from Charlotte, and as she sat in Matthew's childhood kitchen with his mum while they sipped their tea, Alice felt as home here as she did at Wardlow. The tea warmed her hands even as she shivered, and soon she couldn't hide her discomfort.
"Oh, I'm sorry," Charlotte patted her hand again, "the house has gotten drafty lately - that was the one thing on my list of repairs Matty didn't get to on his visit. Let's get you something warm to wear."
"I don't want to make trouble."
"Nonsense, can't have you freezing in my own home. Matty left plenty of things here in storage, I'm sure we can rustle up a jumper for you."
Alice's further protests stopped in her throat as Charlotte led her upstairs; she carried her suitcase upstairs, heading into the room Charlotte motioned towards as the woman continued to the other one on that floor. Pushing the door open, Alice stepped slowly into the room that had been Matthew's growing up.
It was light, airy, and comforting; Matthew had kept the decor neutral - blues and greens mixed throughout - but she smiled at the small details around the room that tied the man she was writing and dating to the boy of his past. Agatha Christies mixed with Zane Greys and botany books on his bookshelf, with stones, trinkets, and faded photos scattered on top - a worn, tin sheriff's badge, dried flowers framed next to a sepia-toned photo of two boys (Matthew and his friend Lucien? Or was this Christopher Beazley?), and small western-themed figurines. His window overlooked the backyard, showcasing a garden that was bound to be pretty during the warmer months. The quilt on the bed had seen better days, but it was soft to the touch as she sat on the bed just as Charlotte returned with a handful of cardigans and jumpers.
"Here we are, a lightweight one, a medium one, and a heavier pullover. Let's try the medium one for now, hm?"
"Thank you," Alice pulled on the dark brown knitted cardigan, already feeling the warmth of the wool as she wrapped it around her; pulling the collar up under the guise of adjusting it, Alice smiled when she caught a whiff of a scent that reminded her of Matthew - he must have worn this one last time he was here - and her cheeks warmed when she caught Charlotte's knowing look.
"I miss him too," his mum told her quietly. "Now, let's get you settled in here and I need to pick up a few groceries for the week if you don't mind a couple of errands."
"Not at all, Mrs. Lawson."
"Charlotte, love, call me Charlotte."
Smiling and nodding as she turned to unpack her suitcase, Alice let Matthew's mum help her and enjoyed the little stories she would tell Alice about the various things around Matthew's room.
Ballarat was a nice city, Alice mused as Charlotte directed her through the streets; they'd gotten a late beginning to the errands when the car refused to start - luckily, Alice figured out what was wrong thanks to her lessons at Wardlow and she could still feel the warmth lingering in her cheeks at Charlotte's praise - but soon were on their way into town. Lots of people recognized Charlotte after the car had been parked and it left Alice feeling a little flustered with each new interaction - sure her landlady was a well-known socialite, but Alice didn't run errands with Phryne like she was with Matthew's mum.
"Does everyone know everyone else here?" she asked Charlotte quietly as they left the butcher.
"Most everyone does, yes."
"I guess I'm just used to a larger city."
Charlotte smiled, "More comfortable in anonymity?"
Alice bit her lower lip but nodded.
"Most of the people in Ballarat don't bite, Alice."
"Only most?"
That made Matthew's mum laugh as she waved to a few people around town; she took Alice's hand and tucked it in her elbow.
"Matthew mentioned that you're… reserved about your past and people knowing it - about knowing you."
Alice's cheeks warmed, but she didn't pull away as Charlotte patted her hand.
"I'm not trying to find that out, Alice, and the people of Ballarat… yes they might gossip and talk and make assumptions, but you don't have to share anything with anyone. I won't force you, and I know Matthew won't - if he ever did, he and I would be having some words."
That got a smile out of Alice.
"People talk, they always have, they always will, the key is to not let it get to your head. I don't know what the future has planned for you and Matthew, but… maybe one day you'll end up here, so think of this week as an introduction to Ballarat."
If possible, Alice's cheeks grew warmer at the assumption of where her and Matthew's relationship might end up - who knew how and when this war would end, and… and whether they'd both survive it.
"So," she cleared her throat, "who am I being introduced to?"
Charlotte smiled, "The Beazleys of course, I can direct you up there the day after tomorrow, and meeting Dr. Blake and Superintendent Ashby wouldn't go awry… the Clasbys are a good pair to know, though Agnes can take a while to get used to."
"Abrupt?"
"Very."
"I think I like her already."
Charlotte laughed and patted her hand again, "Now, we've gone to the butcher and the grocer, I think that should be fine for today. Let's swing by the station and see if we can catch Doug and Thomas."
Alice stared up at the ceiling of Matthew's old bedroom - her hands curled tightly in the soft quilt and sheets around her; she didn't want to sleep. It had been a long time since she'd slept in a strange place, and Alice didn't like sleeping in strange places around people she didn't really know.
Charlotte, of course, was so welcoming and Alice sincerely appreciated it, but this house was strange and Alice worried about what demons of her past would come out if she tried to sleep. She was tired though, between travel and helping Charlotte out today, and try as she might, her eyes grew heavy; it was comforting, though, to be surrounded by things of Matthew - maybe being surrounded by something slightly familiar would chase the shadows away.
After so long living alone in the house that used to have her children and husband and required her to keep an ear open for any unusual sounds throughout the night, Charlotte was still a light sleeper even though she had little reason to listen these days; but habits were hard to break.
A noise woke her and Charlotte sat up abruptly when she recognized it as someone crying; pulling on her dressing gown, she followed the noise to the foot of the stairs - it was Alice.
Sneaking upstairs, Charlotte knocked on Matthew's door. Alice didn't answer, just kept crying, so she entered in after a bit of hesitation and her heart went out to the young woman her son was dating; Alice was curled up on her side, the sheet and quilt tangled around her body as she cried.
"Alice," she called to her softly - giving her notice before she sat on the edge of the bed and started to detangle the covers.
"It's alright, it's alright," Charlotte soothed as Alice flinched with each touch as slowly the quilt pulled away and she started on the sheets.
"No, don't!" Alice sat up abruptly - nearly smacking her forehead against Charlotte's.
"It's just me, love," she went to cup Alice's cheek - drawing back when the young woman flinched.
Ah, now things made a bit more sense; Charlotte knew that reaction well - from her own childhood, from occasional drunken bouts of her gambling husband - and her heart went out to Alice even more than before. No one should have to experience abuse.
Alice buried her face in her hands - her shoulders shaking from her silent tears - as Charlotte waited for her to calm down some.
"Alice, love, I'm going to help you untangle yourself from the sheets which means I have to touch you, is that alright?"
She didn't speak or lift her head, but Charlotte saw her nod and set about untangling Alice from the sheets - soothing her quietly if her touch surprised her; settling the covers around the girl again, Charlotte reached over for Matthew's cardigan and draped it around Alice's shoulders even as Alice curled up as small as she could on the bed.
"There, much better, hm?"
"'M sorry," Alice whispered.
"Why are you apologizing, love?"
"I woke you up."
"Poppycock, it's not a big thing. It's alright, Alice; I'm a mum, comforting people after nightmares comes with the territory."
Alice sniffled, but didn't flinch this time from Charlotte's touch; in fact, she leaned into it and something wrenched inside of Charlotte at the small motion - what had happened to Alice for her to both reject physical touch and on some level yearn for it at the same time?
"Now that we've calmed down a little, how about a cup of cocoa to further settle the nerves, eh? I've found it helps with the shakiness that comes after nightmares."
"Do… do I have to tell you about it?"
"Only if you wish to share, Alice. You can wrap yourself up in the cardigan and come downstairs when you're ready, I'll go start on the cocoa."
Pressing a short kiss to Alice's clammy forehead, Charlotte bustled down to the kitchen - set on helping Alice feel as loved and comforted as she possibly could. Near silent footsteps alerted her to Alice's presence behind her as the milk warmed in her pan, Charlotte smiled over her shoulder and gestured to the kitchen table; Alice sat without a word and avoided Charlotte's gaze any time the woman checked on her.
She still avoided it as Charlotte put the steaming cup of cocoa in front of her.
"Marshmallow?"
A shy smile crossed Alice's face as she nodded - picking up the cup once Charlotte put in two marshmallows; much of their cups passed with silence, but Charlotte was alright with that - Alice needed time to calm her nerves, and Charlotte was a patient woman.
"Feel better?" she asked once Alice took her last mouthful of cocoa.
"Much, thank you."
"Of course, love. Think you're ready to try sleeping again?"
The young woman trailed a finger around the rim of her cup as she worried her bottom lip.
"It's alright if you aren't, love."
"I-I can't make you stay up, Charlotte, that's not polite."
"You're a guest in my home and I want to make sure you're comfortable. You don't have to tell me why, but I would like to know if you're alright sleeping here - if it's something I can change for you, I will."
That made Alice worry her lip even more, but she nodded slowly after a bit - as if to herself more than anything else.
"I… I don't sleep well on my own in strange places… Your home is so warm and welcoming, but it's…"
"Not what you know," Charlotte supplied when Alice faltered.
"Yes."
"I understand."
"You do?"
"Probably more than you think I do," Charlotte smiled and gently covered Alice's hand with her own. "I have an idea on how to help you sleep, but you might not like it since we just met today."
"What is it?"
"You can always come and share my bed - that way you're not alone and if you have another nightmare, I won't be far."
Alice gnawed on her lip - Charlotte worried she would open a sore before the night was through - but she flipped her hand to grasp onto Charlotte's.
"I… it's been a long time since I've shared a bed without… well, it's been a long time, and… I think I'd like to try it. You- I trust you, Charlotte."
Charlotte smiled and leaned in to kiss Alice on her still slightly clammy forehead. "I won't misplace that trust, dear girl. Let's rinse these mugs out and then settle in for the night."
Alice stuck to her like a shadow as they finished up in the kitchen and Charlotte led her to the master bedroom.
"Do you have a side preference?" Charlotte smiled when Alice shook her head. "Go ahead, settle in, I'm going to do one last check of the lights in the house."
"Okay."
Her heart went out for Alice once again when Charlotte came back to see Alice curled beneath the covers - Matthew's cardigan still wrapped tight around her; Charlotte smiled at her as she came over, but the smile went unnoticed as Alice had dozed off while waiting.
"Budge up a bit, love," Charlotte whispered and smiled when Alice subconsciously shifted over for her to slip beneath the covers. Running a soft hand over Alice's hair and gently rubbing the young woman's forehead, Charlotte smiled as Alice sighed.
"Feels good," she murmured.
"It's supposed to. I did this with both of my children if they were ever having trouble sleeping."
"You did?"
"Mm-hm, I'd sit with them until they went back to sleep - Henry didn't like them coming into our bed and disturbing him, but most nights he wasn't here or he'd come in late anyways. Vera would stay the night often, but I'd get Matthew in here a few times, especially nights after bad days at school."
"Mmm… McAvoy?"
"Ah, so he's told you about him, has he?"
"Not a lot, but I know he was bullied. He'd… kind of hedged around it and so did Vera, but he recently told me about the bullying. He also mentioned an incident before he left for the academy?"
"Ah yes, the knife incident."
Alice smiled a little as Charlotte continued to soothe her. "Matthew thought you probably knew about it."
"The blood on his shirt was easily seen even if Vera tried her best to lift it; Thomas also informed me after he'd gone."
"Mums always know, then?"
Charlotte chuckled, "Most of the time."
Alice shifted towards her, her head ending up resting on Charlotte's shoulder - sighing when Charlotte's arm wrapped around her.
"My mum didn't…" Alice finally spoke after a few quiet moments. "At least I don't think she did."
"What was she like?"
Alice shifted slightly in her hold, but she settled soon enough.
"Absent, but kind… she just wasn't really there if that makes any sense. Mummy had a big heart and Father… took advantage of that, I think. Both of them drank… quite a lot; where Father would get angry and abusive and short-tempered, Mummy just… sat there - numb. I think… I think it hurt her to see Father abuse me and my sister, but instead of standing up to him, standing up for us, she just… didn't."
"I'm sorry, love," Charlotte pressed a kiss to Alice's forehead and held her close. "No child should have to go through that."
"Not even one that wasn't wanted?"
"Who told you that?"
"Mummy."
"You're wanted, Alice."
"They didn't want me," Alice shifted closer as Charlotte tightened her hold around her. "Mummy told me that one night. She said me and Peg were the only reason they were together - and the reason they both drank."
"Oh, my darling girl…" If possible, Charlotte held Alice even closer as if she were trying to imbue the young woman with all the love she never got growing up. "I… I want you, and Matthew wants you, and so does Vera and everyone at the house you stay in. I'm sorry your parents didn't see you for the wonderful person you are; I'm sorry you had to hear that at such a young and impactful age… but you're wanted."
"I'm not a wonderful person."
"You are, sweetheart, you are."
"I'm not. I left my sister in foster care alone after I promised her we'd stay together always."
"What happened?"
"We ran from our home in Sydney and lived in the streets; it was going alright for a while - I'd steal food from carts and rubbish bins, often going hungry so Peg could eat - until one day we got caught. The coppers separated me from Peg and… I never saw her again. We were put into foster care and as soon as I turned eighteen I tried to look for her, but I couldn't find her."
"I'm sorry, love… have you looked again?"
"Nearly every year, but I get the same result: nothing."
Charlotte kissed her forehead, "Maybe one day it'll change… but you being separated doesn't make you a bad person, love. That was out of your control and I'm sure Peg understands that now."
"I wouldn't blame her if she didn't."
"Alice," she gently chided the woman, softening it with another squeeze of a hug. "That's not fair on you or your sister. And it's no use talking down about yourself like that anyway."
"It's not?"
"No, it's not."
She was quiet for a while, but remained in Charlotte's hold nonetheless; Charlotte thought she'd drifted off to sleep until Alice's faint confession to the dark echoed between them.
"I… I don't think I believe you just yet, but… I think I want to."
Smiling as she kissed Alice's forehead again, Charlotte gave her one last tight hug, "That's alright, love, it takes time and patience, but I'm willing to work on it with you if you are."
"I… I think I am… thank you."
"Anytime, love, anytime."