He brought the pink-frosted cake out and placed it on the table. There were seven candles on it, lighting the little girl's face. She giggled as she blew them out, and beamed up at him.
"Papa! Can I have a big piece?"
He opened his eyes.
Fuck. Just a dream again. Another stupid dream.
Levi coughed as he lay in his bed, staring up at the ceiling. He coughed again; the doctors told him to keep an eye on it. It sounded like something was rattling inside his chest. Slowly, he pushed himself to sit up. His body was growing thinner with age. His striped pajamas practically swam around him.
He glanced in the mirror. There he was, a man of seventy-eight. His cheeks sagged, as did the bags under his eyes. His mouth was framed with lines and wrinkles. His hair, what little remained, had gone silver long ago.
He put a hand to his chest, coughed again. No matter what, he was always a young man in those dreams. The ones with the little girl who had his face. Or the little boy who wore his scowl.
Or Petra.
Those parts of the dream were sweetest of all, when he'd hold her and kiss her. All these years, decades later, and he still remembered the taste of her lips.
Least you died young, Pet. He scratched his head and yawned. Getting old is a fucking bitch.
Levi pushed the blankets aside and swung his legs out of bed. He toed around until he found his slippers, then put them on. These days, he'd been thinking about Petra a lot. As well as Erwin, Hange, Mike, the old squad, and the rest. He had not seen them in forty years. Since the battle of heaven and earth, when they had appeared before him in the evaporating PATHS mist.
And she had been smiling at him. She had beamed with pride, that vision. That ghost.
He had made her proud.
Levi groaned as he stood up and wobbled. He clutched at the bedside table, then took his cane and hobble-hopped over to get his housecoat. His knee was still a mess of broken bone and fractured nerves all these years later. And losing the Ackerman strength had meant healing like a normal human. Feeling every last ache and pain.
He thought of Erwin as he put on his housecoat and belted it. What would Erwin say if he knew why Levi had come back to the island? Levi stretched and looked out the window. Normally he'd wake and find Liberio outside. But today, it was Trost.
His old stomping grounds. The land of his youth.
Forty years ago today, they'd stopped Eren and saved what remained of humanity. The titan curse had ended.
For the fortieth anniversary, Queen Frieda had wanted to do something special. Bring all the survivors from that last defiant stand to Paradis, and have them salute their old comrades. And their new queen.
Historia had died a couple years back. Some kind of cancer. Frieda Ymir Reiss was all about maintaining that monarchy.
"Well." Levi grumbled, coughed. "Constitutional monarchy."
Armin Arlert's big design. The kid had eventually convinced Queen Historia to institute a parliament. No more absolute rule, the divine right of kings. She'd agreed. One of the few things she'd done after the battle that Levi didn't fucking hate.
He rubbed his eyes. His stomach growled.
A knock came at his door.
"Uncle Levi? Uncle Levi! Are you up?"
"Yeah, yeah. Damn brat." He shuffled across the room and opened the door.
A little girl with black hair and gray eyes beamed up at him. For a moment, his heart stopped. That girl… The dream…
"Carla! Don't bother Uncle, he's just waking up."
"Sorry, Grandma." The child dashed away, skipping and whistling as she went to breakfast. Levi smiled, shook his head. Cute kid.
Levi shuffled to the bathroom. Pissing these days felt like knives. After, he made his way to the dining room, where Mikasa was just setting a pot of coffee on the table. Jean had his face hidden behind the paper, as always. Kid liked to pretend he was important. Sorry, Jean wasn't a kid anymore, but a man. A man of business. Always had to look serious while reading the paper. After all, he'd been a minister of Paradis the last thirty or so years. Never made Prime Minister, but you'd never hear him admit to that.
As Levi sat down, Jean folded his paper. On the cusp of sixty, his hair was streaked with more gray than brown, as was his moustache. He ruffled Carla's hair as she sat down and helped herself to pancakes.
"Good sleep?" Jean asked.
"Mmm. Thanks." Levi nodded at Mikasa when she slid some eggs and sausage onto his plate. "Looks good."
"Why don't you come visit more, Uncle Levi?" Carla pouted at him. He smiled; he'd always liked brats. Shame he'd never had any of his own.
"I like Liberio. You guys oughta come visit sometime."
"Could we, Grandma?" Carla bounced in her seat.
"You have to ask your mother about that." Mikasa stroked her granddaughter's hair as she sat down. Jean glanced at her across the table, and beamed. She smiled as well. Those two always smiled when they saw one another. Happy to see each other in the morning.
Jean had finally gotten the girl. All it'd taken was almost twenty years of devotion and Mikasa cutting Eren's head off.
Levi recalled the first time he'd returned to Paradis. Ten years after the Rumbling, after the battle. He'd come at the invitation of Queen Historia. Didn't have a whole lot to say to the kids on his old squad, but he'd always liked Jean well enough.
At that time, Jean had been riding high. He was twenty-nine, a member of the Queen's Cabinet. He had prime real estate in Mitras, and he'd bought his parents a nice house in Trost. Women had flocked to him pretty consistently. He'd taken Levi to a tavern for a bite to eat, and every single barmaid eyed the young man. To think he and the others had once been enemies of Paradis. Now, they were celebrated heroes. After Armin negotiated peace talks between Paradis and the rest of the Allied nations, every one of the 'insurgents' as they'd been called were pardoned. Hell, they were revered. Armin had become Prime Minister.
Levi just stayed in Marley. He didn't care much for Paradis anymore. To him, his home had never been a place, but the people in his life. The island wasn't home. Plus, the residents had been too on board with genocide. Way too fucking on board.
Anyway.
Levi had eyed Jean as they ate in relative silence.
'Mikasa. Seen her lately?'
'Ah. A few weeks ago.' Kid still blushed like a schoolboy. There was sadness in his eyes. 'She's happy working at the orphanage up north.'
Yeah. Quiet girl. Quiet life.
'You two ever…?' Levi wasn't even sure why he was asking.
'Uh. No.'
'Hmm.'
A few days later, after the official ceremony, Levi had found Mikasa. He had taken her for tea, and they had sat in companionable silence almost the whole time. They were just too similar. Had nothing to say to each other.
Well. Levi had something to ask.
'You seeing anyone?'
'No.' Her answer was instantaneous and surprised.
'You're in your twenties. It's okay to date a guy.' Again, why was he pressing this? He didn't know. But he went ahead. 'Don't take this the wrong way, but have you dated anyone since Eren…?'
Her cheeks flamed. 'No,' she said stiffly.
'So there's no one you've ever liked?'
'Why are you asking me this?' She'd glared at him. Looked like a true Ackerman when she glared.
'I guess when you're nearing fifty, you start becoming sentimental.' Levi sipped his tea. 'Look. You don't have to move on if you don't want.'
'I don't,' she replied.
'Okay. But just in case you're being fucking dense about this, I'll say it once. Only once, and never again. I promise.' He stared at her. 'Jean's in love with you. Guy's been in love with you for years.'
'I…' She went pale as a lily. To his surprise, she looked down and twisted the napkin in her lap. 'I know.'
'Most boys outgrow their teenage crush. He hasn't. That prick's got women coming at him left and right, but you ever wonder why he's not married yet? He's waiting for you.'
Mikasa blushed.
'Listen. If you can't feel that way about him, forget I ever mentioned it. But if you think there's even the slightest chance you could, do something about it. At the very least, tell him to his face if you can never love him back. Guy's holding out hope. Either give him a try or tell him to move on.'
Mikasa chewed her lip. Levi waited for her to yell at him. Instead, she drank her tea.
'I'll think about it," she muttered.
'Do more than think.' What'd Armin told him? Eren, on the verge of death, had bitched and whined about how he hoped Mikasa would never move on from him. How he wanted to be her only love the rest of her life. Armin had never told Mikasa. Levi had agreed he wouldn't say anything.
'You know what Eren said? About you?'
Her eyes lit up at mere mention of the kid's name. Fuck, it'd been ten years. Then again, it'd been more than ten years since Petra's death, and it still hurt him. A lot.
'What did he say?'
'He said he wanted you to remember him forever. He wanted to be important to you for a long time after his death.' Levi sipped. 'But then he wanted you to move on and find somebody else. He said he wouldn't be happy if you didn't.'
Her lip quivered. 'When did he tell you that?'
'During the last battle. He talked to everyone, remember? In our heads?' That was a lie, in fact. Levi hadn't heard anything from Eren. Probably to do with the Ackerman stuff, who knew? But Mikasa gasped. Tears welled in her eyes as she looked down and fiddled with a doily.
'Why didn't you say?'
'Haven't seen you in a while. I didn't get a chance to talk after the battle. You walked away.' With Eren's head, yuck. Mikasa nodded.
'True.' She sighed heavily. 'I just want to see him again. So much.'
Levi still cared for the wide-eyed boy he'd known, but he had come to hate the man wh'do killed billions of people. Eren could dress it up as him 'saving' the world and ending the curse all he wanted. He had bought that victory with the death of innocents. Levi would never forgive him for that.
That was the reason he'd stopped talking to all the old Levi Squad guys. Iced them out. They'd cried for Eren's selflessness. Levi had been sick hearing about it.
Back to Mikasa.
'I got so many people it hurts to remember. I'd do anything to see Erwin again. Or Hange.' He looked at the delicate floral pattern on his teacup. 'Or her.'
'Her?'
'Petra. She was in my old squad. We were…I guess the kids call it a 'thing' these days.' He shrugged. Fuck buddies, more like. But no; those few weeks in that castle while they trained Eren, those stolen nights of lovemaking and kissing and whispering in the dark… It had been more than sex.
Levi hadn't slept with anyone since, and he didn't want to. All he needed was the memory of her at night.
'I'm sorry,' Mikasa said.
'I know how you feel. I'd give anything to see her again.' He would give up his damn soul. 'But they don't come back. And they wouldn't want us to spend our lives crying. Eren didn't want that for you. So just think about it, okay?'
'Okay.' They stopped talking after that, but he got the feeling that this time she'd actually heard him.
Levi stayed on in Paradis for a couple of weeks, mainly so he could oversee Historia's orphanages and make trips to Erwin's memorial statue, as well as the Survey Corps graveyard. Over those two weeks, he saw Mikasa talking with Jean a few times. Nothing fancy, just genuine conversation. Jean made her laugh. That was promising.
One year later, Levi was back on Paradis for the wedding. He stood outside the chapel and watched as Jean led Mikasa out. She wore white, and the groom looked ecstatic. Bride seemed pretty happy, too.
He led Petra out the chapel door. She wore white lace and yellow roses.
The image was there and gone. Levi had frozen for a minute, then shaken his head. Just a dream. Wishful thinking.
If he could've married anyone, it would've been Petra.
"Uncle Levi?" Carla said.
"Hmm? What?" Everyone at the table was looking at him with a worried expression.
"You kind of zoned out there," Jean said.
"Are you taking your medication?" Mikasa asked.
"Tch. I'm just old. You damn brats," he croaked. Levi ate his breakfast. Mikasa gave a bemused shake of her head. He was real incorrigible. Always had been.
Jean and Mikasa smiled lovingly at each other again. What a happy ending. Levi smirked. Though Jean probably hadn't loved it when Mikasa named their oldest daughter Erin.
Well. You never truly let go of those you loved.
After breakfast, Levi went through the slow, torturous process of putting on his clothes. He heard little Carla bashing around the house, asking her grandmother question after question. Fuck, it reminded Levi of that little girl in his dreams.
The daughter he'd never have.
I knew I'd never have children. I promised I'd never regret it.
But the ache could be fierce sometimes. When you got old, you wondered who would mourn you when you were gone. He didn't think Mikasa cared all that much. She did, of course, but his death wouldn't break her.
Maybe Onyankopon, or Falco and Gabi. Levi had spent the last ten years living in their guest room. Now that their kids were out of the house, they didn't mind an old man tottering around.
Levi smiled. He liked those two. After the battle of heaven and earth, he'd passed out and woken up in a makeshift medical tent. The girl, Gabi, had been perched at his side.
'He's up! Falcooo!' Then she'd leaned over Levi, concern written on her face. 'You okay, Captain?'
And after that, Levi became the surly pet uncle to the two kids. For about a year after the battle, he was utterly incapacitated. He needed help getting up to pee. He'd been prepared to do that on his own, the way he'd always lived his life.
But the kids' parents insisted on taking care of him while he recovered. After all, Levi had helped their children during the darkest moments of the war. Levi found he enjoyed getting spoiled, Gabi bringing him tea, Falco reading the paper to him.
Two years after the battle, the newly formed Allied government agreed that the heroes who saved (what was left of) the world should be pensioned for life. They shouldn't have to work. Most of them turned down the money, being healthy people in the prime of life. Levi had wanted to, but Onyankopon had talked him into it.
'Don't be proud,' the young man had said with a kind smile. 'The doctors said that you'd never walk without a cane again. You don't want to end up on the streets because of your pride.'
'I was born on the streets,' Levi had grumbled. But he took the money. Insisted on doing what he could to help rebuild, though. What little he could do, he would. He didn't want a hand out.
He'd lived with Gabi or Falco's family, then moved on for a while after the kids hit twenty and started dating seriously. He knew they'd love to have him around, but wanted them to enjoy their youth. Young love.
He'd been thirty-four when he knew love. Not terribly young, but not too old, either.
Levi had bounced around. Stayed over in Hybernia with Onyankopon, where the Nambian Relocation Initiative was going full force. Visited Kiyomi in Hizuru. Toyed with the idea of opening his own tea shop, but found the dream just didn't feel like his any longer.
He dreamed of working in a shop with a red-haired girl beside him. He'd work the register, she'd bus the tables. Without Petra, that domestic scene felt hollow.
Levi had spent some time on Paradis, but never settled. The kids had tried to make him feel at home. Armin had even hosted Levi at his and Annie's house, while those two were still together. Well, some marriages didn't last. They had a couple of nice kids, though.
Levi at Armin's house had been…interesting. He hadn't spoken to Annie much during the battle. He'd been unconscious for most of it, to be fair. But she'd finally gotten Levi alone late at night, when he was in the kitchen making some tea. Levi felt she'd been waiting to get him alone.
'Are you enjoying Mitras?' she'd asked. When Levi looked at her, he didn't see a sleepy-eyed woman in a bathrobe. He saw the titanic monster he'd cut to shreds in the forest.
The creature that had killed his squad. Smashed Petra against a tree like she was a bug.
'Yeah. It's nice,' he'd said. She sat with him.
'I never got to tell you I was sorry.' She spoke low, kept her eyes on the table. 'For what I did to the Survey Corps.'
'And Stohess,' he said flatly. She shifted in her seat. 'Look, you helped save the world. You saved way more people than you killed. Your debt's been paid.'
'And…I'm sorry about your squad.'
Gunther. Eld. Oruo. Petra.
Her face, looking up with those glassy eyes, the blood smeared upon her cheeks…
'It was a long time ago.' He drank his tea.
'I was a different person back then.' She fiddled with the teapot's handle. 'I didn't value life at all.' Yeah, Levi knew what it felt to be such a person. He couldn't give the girl too much shit.
But she'd killed them. Killed her.
'You don't need to apologize to me.' He sipped. 'I'm not the one who had to bury a kid.'
Or rather, not bury her. The old squad's headstones marked virgin earth. The real bodies had been buried in a mass grave; no way to identify the bones when Historia's men picked them up all those years later.
If Levi had been there, he'd have known which was hers. The one missing a badge.
But Levi hadn't been there. That was life. He'd never been there for her.
Annie blushed. She'd been pregnant at the time with her first, and placed her hand on her stomach.
'Being pregnant has really made me understand what I did. It was horrible.'
'Yeah. That's the word for it.'
'You must hate me. For living and being happy when they're all dead.'
Levi thought of Petra. Fierce Petra. Sweet Petra. Gentle Petra. The one who mothered all the homesick brats, or was there as a shoulder to cry on. Her heart had been enormous, as big as her courage.
'They… She was a good person,' he said quietly. 'If she'd known what you'd been through in Marley, she'd have wanted you to be happy. She wouldn't hold a grudge.'
It was true. Petra would have forgiven Annie for her own murder. Annie smiled a little.
'Thank you.'
'But I gotta be honest.' He drained his cup, put it in the sink. 'I do hold grudges. I hold 'em damn well.' He looked at the woman in her nice kitchen in her cushy house and thought of how Petra had lain out under the sun for years, reduced to bones and tattered cloth. 'Maybe this ain't nice to say, being your guest and all. I don't hate you, Annie. I understand you.' He frowned. 'But I don't forgive you. Not after what you did to them.' He swallowed. 'To her.'
With that, he'd stumped out of the kitchen. He and Annie had never had a deep conversation again. They'd been polite and distant with each other.
Levi blinked and looked at the clock on his bedside table. It was almost ten. These days, the past and present seemed to blur. His eyes were old and tired.
These days, his thoughts of Petra had gone into overdrive. He'd never forgotten her, but now as his life was ticking down he thought about the days they'd shared together. Only lover he'd ever known. Maybe he was a hypocrite, telling Mikasa to move on when he couldn't. But that was different. Mikasa had been made for family.
Levi was made another way.
He stumped down the hall with his cane.
"Levi?" Mikasa looked after him, putting in her earrings. Even approaching sixty, she looked tall and regal. The gray striping her hair lent her a distinguished charm. Fuck knew how some people made looking old look good. "We don't need to be at the fountain until noon."
"I wanted to take a quick look around. Just on my own. Visit the old sights."
"If you're sure." She looked cautious. Actually cared about him.
Her and her kids and grandkids were the last traces of his blood family on earth. It felt good to have her worry about him.
"I'll meet you at the fountain. Don't worry."
"Should you take your chair?"
"It's a bitch wheeling that thing in and out of cabs. I'll be fine."
He got to the street and hailed a cab with ease. Levi's first stop was to Holbein Square. That was where the statue was.
He got out and pushed through a sea of pigeons. Tch. Awful that dirty birds were shitting on Erwin all day long.
He went to the statue and looked up.
It had gone green with age and weather. Erwin's features weren't distinguishable now. Not the specifics. The strong nose and the mad glint in the eye.
Levi. Thank you.
The last private words ever exchanged between them.
"I done a lot of things I regret," he whispered to the statue. "But setting you free isn't one of them."
At the base of the statue was a plaque. Erwin Smith, 13th Commander of the Survey Corps. 811-850. Advanced the restoration of Eldia by retaking the city of Shiganshina.
Levi sneered. He hated the 'Eldia restoration' bullshit. Erwin hadn't died for a nation. He'd died for humanity.
And then, at the bottom, "Dedicate your hearts."
Levi had known the man behind the slogans and the plans. He had known the fearful man, the weak man, the human Erwin Smith. He might have been the only one to ever have that privilege.
Being weak and human had made Erwin's sacrifice all the more extraordinary.
Levi dimly became aware that someone was standing beside him. A middle-aged woman with dark hair looked up at the statue with a kind of open curiosity.
"Did you know him?" Levi asked.
"Me? No, but my parents did. My father was in the military, too. He used to tell stories about Commander Smith."
"Mmm."
"Did you know him?"
Levi gazed up at the statue's face. Erwin's bronze, imperious gaze stretched out across the city streets. Wondered what the man could see from up there.
"Yeah. Guess you could say that."
"Senta!"
Levi and the woman turned. A man waved, cupped a hand around hs mouth.
"Darling, let's go!"
"Coming." Senta smiled at Levi. She grew still. "Were you at Shiganshina?"
"Yeah."
Her eyes widened. She bowed her head to him.
"Thank you."
Then she walked away, back to her husband. Senta. Huh. Weird name.
Wondered whose kid she'd been.
After a while, he hobbled over to the street and called another cab. He'd be cutting it close, but Queen Frieda and everyone else could wait for him. Sometimes Levi wasn't sure why the hell he'd come here for the anniversary. Why he ever returned to Paradis at all. Liberio was home, as were Falco and Gabi and their family. Not these empty streets. Not the kids he used to know.
He remembered lying in his bed, recovering from the battle. The kids had visited his tent, and were sniveling about Eren and how awful it must have been to take the murder of the whole world on his shoulders. After a while, Levi had had enough.
'All of you. Get out,' he croaked.
'Captain?'
'I'm not a captain anymore. The Survey Corps's over.' He'd slowly sat up, wheezing with his anger. 'And I won't let you stand here and weep over that fucking murderer.'
'S-Sir.' Connie sniffled. 'We know Eren did wrong. But—'
'There are no buts here. Even if he knew we'd eventually stop him, he killed eighty percent of human life on this planet. If you feel guilty about that, go make sure it never happens again.' Levi had gritted his teeth. 'But don't you ever let me catch you crying about his 'sacrifice'. Those people in the Survey Corps didn't die so you could go easy on a mass murderer. All those innocent people who got fucking stomped to death are too high a price to pay for ending the titan curse or what the fuck ever.'
'We're allowed to be upset,' Reiner had muttered.
Levi had thrown a cup at him. It didn't hit very hard; his strength was gone.
'Get. Out!' he snarled.
They all had little to say to one another as the years passed. Did Levi sometimes grieve for Eren? For the kid he'd known, yeah. And he grieved that Eren had ever been so stupid and fucked up that he'd decided to take genocide onto himself instead of talking to his teammates.
Petra would have been furious. Both for the genocide, and because Eren didn't trust the team.
Levi got out at the memorial graveyard. It was a long walk to their tombstones, so he took it in stages. He snagged a bouquet of slightly wilted roses as he passed one grave.
He found them lined up in a neat row.
Gunther Schulz. Eld Jinn. Oruo Bossad.
Petra Ral.
All so young when they died. Levi patted each stone, spoke soft words. Not that the dead could hear. They weren't even under the stone markers. But you had to speak to something.
He saved her for last, taking his time. Finally, he laid the bouquet of roses on top of her headstone.
"Oi. Brat." His fingertips traced her worn name. "It's been a while."
Unlike Erwin, Petra and the squad did not have statues or national holidays in their honor. They were the nameless dead. The forgotten masses.
But not to him.
Standing before the stone, memories flooded Levi. The first time they kissed. The first time they fucked. Her laughter. The way she loved to tickle him, trying to find a weak spot. Whispered plans in bed and knowing looks across the dining room table.
What if she'd lived? The idea was a pain under his left rib.
"I'm so damn sorry," he whispered. "I'm sorry I didn't get there sooner."
If he just hadn't replenished his gas and blades. If he'd questioned Erwin just one time.
Too late. The dead were dead. He couldn't regret his choices.
He knew he should leave, but the sun felt so warm on his back. He was so damn tired. For almost forty-five years, he'd existed without her. He'd tried to make every day count in her honor, and to honor all the others who'd died. Had he succeeded? Maybe. There were songs in his honor, even if he fucking hated them. There was a bust of him in the palace. He had a street named after him.
He had no family to leave behind, but he'd at least managed to keep his promises to his comrades. He'd destroyed all the titans, like he said he would. They had seen him in action. They knew their lives weren't sacrificed in vain.
It was more than he could have hoped.
Why not? He needed to rest before he returned. It was a long way back. Levi grunted as he propped his cane against the stone and slowly, slowly sank down to the grass. He barked out a pained cry when his knee twinged, but finally settled comfortably. There. That was nice.
He rested against Petra's headstone and looked out upon the sea of graves. So many dead for this new world. He hoped the generations to come would take care with this planet and with this island. Their peace had been bought with so many dead bodies and destroyed lives.
He shut his eyes and felt the wind tease his hair. He imagined riding across the fields, the wind whipping through his green Survey Corps cloak. He was young, in his thirties again, preparing to take down a titan with his friends at his side.
Of all the years of my life, I think those were the best.
Man. That was fucking depressing. But those six years in the Corps, of being Humanity's Strongest, those years had been when he felt most vital. Most alive.
And the hours he'd spent in Petra's arms had been the sweetest he'd ever known.
"I wish I could see you again," he muttered.
He could picture her kneeling beside him, mirth in her bright amber eyes, a smile on her rosy lips. Still young, still fresh, still hopeful.
I love you. He could still hear those words from those lips. They echoed inside of him forever.
Levi felt his head tilt forward. Fuck, the sun felt so good here, and the place was so quiet. He felt himself drifting into sleep, even as a sharp pain suddenly pierced his chest. But the pain lasted only a second. It dulled, and he drifted down deeper. Deeper.
He thought of her looking down upon him, tears in her eyes.
'Levi. I love you.'
It was so nice to sit here with his back to her headstone. The closest he'd ever get to her again.
"Petra," he whispered.
He went away.
He opened his eyes. Huh. This was different.
All around him, there was darkness. Even though it was black, he could see his hands clearly when he looked down at them. And he noticed that his liver spots had vanished. His skin had lost the crepe paper look of age. His hands were scarred and callused, but they were the hands of a young man.
Huh.
"Did I die?" he asked. No one answered. Levi looked left and right and saw no one. Fuck. Was this really death? Would this be eternity? Standing in a void?
"Levi."
He had not heard that voice in almost forty-five years. His heart slowed and then beat faster.
"Erwin?"
He turned around and there was the commander himself. Erwin Smith was still thirty-eight, still dressed in his Survey Corps uniform. The Wings of Freedom were emblazoned on his chest. The man's gigantic eyebrows lifted, and a smile warmed his face. The corners of his blue eyes crinkled.
"Captain Levi. It's been a long time."
"Yeah," he croaked. What else could he say?
"But it's time to come home."
Erwin stretched out his hand, waiting for Levi to join him.
And then Hange was beside Erwin, beaming like a delighted child. Her glasses were askew on her nose, and her hair was as messy as ever.
And there was Mike, and Nanaba. Marlena. Kirk. And his squad, fuck. Gunther. Eld. Oruo was still fluffing that stupid cravat.
And…
"Captain?"
Petra stood beside Erwin, her eyes soft with tears of joy. Behind his comrades, a light began to glow. He wasn't sure where it led, but he knew he would go into it with them. He would find true peace there.
"Petra."
Tears slid down her cheeks. He would take her in his arms again, and it would be like they'd never parted.
Levi looked down again, and realized he was wearing his old Survey Corps uniform, with the green cloak slung around his shoulders. Somehow he knew that he was thirty-four again. The age he'd been when he'd had Petra, and before Erwin had died. The last days of being Humanity's Strongest.
He was young, and strong, and loved. Erwin smiled. Hange cackled. Petra waited.
He took a step towards them…
Levi.
He stopped. Frowned. Could've sworn he heard a voice coming from behind. Or maybe inside his head.
Petra's voice. But Petra was there in front of him. He started to go to her.
Levi. There's a path.
"Fucking hell?"
But he let the words reverberate in his head. A path. He needed to walk the path. She was waiting for him. She'd be waiting forever.
Right. He needed to walk the path that led to Petra, right over there.
But she's not your Petra.
Levi blinked, felt unsteady on his feet. It felt like his brain was splitting into two. As his comrades watched, he looked behind him…and he saw it.
There was a thread of blue in the darkness. A narrow path that led far, far away. She was at the end of it. Petra. His Petra.
"I…" Levi turned around, only to find the back of his own head.
He gaped at himself. He stared at the Wings of Freedom on his cloak. And he watched as he—the other he—strode forward and took Petra into his arms. He was embraced by the others as the light grew brighter and then vanished. They were all gone.
He…he didn't belong with them. He belonged with her.
At the end of this path…
"Petra. Baby. Wait for me," he whispered.
Levi started to walk. He walked for a while. Then he walked a bit longer. Always he went wherever the blue path took him. No matter how it twisted or turned, he followed it.
He walked for an hour. Then several hours. Then a day. Then several days. Then weeks, maybe even months.
He walked, and walked. He didn't get tired or hungry or thirsty. He walked patiently, mind set on the task.
Petra. She'd set a path for him. He'd follow it.
And then, finally, after an eternity, when his soul began to grow weary…up ahead there was a watery light.
The end of the path.
"Petra!"
Levi ran. His fists pumped at his sides, his pulse jumped in his neck. She was there. He had to reach her. Closer. Closer…
And then Levi felt a tug beneath his ribs. His feet left the path. He was pulled through the air, reeled in as though he were a fish on a hook. The light grew brighter, and brighter, until it invaded every pore of him. Until he became the light. Until he couldn't remember even having a body, or a name.
Wait for me…
He tumbled forward, into the light.
"Uh, should we wake him? I think he's taking a nap."
"Mr. Levi would get mad if he knew we let him lay around in the dirt."
"I think we should just go."
"Hey, Mikasa. That's not—"
Levi opened his eyes, and found three brats hovering over him. It was Eren, and Armin, and Mikasa.
The two boys squealed in terror, while the girl only gazed stoically at him.
"Mr. Levi?" she said. "Are you all right?"
"Oi. Brats. Get away from me."
They took their heads away, and Levi found that he was lying on his back beneath a tree. He gazed up through the branches and saw flashes of blue sky above. His head spun as he pushed himself to a sitting position. Fuck, he felt completely dizzy.
The kids all gawked at him. Eren was dressed in some non descript collared shirt, the way all those punk kids looked when they wanted to impress but not draw too much attention to themselves. Arlert fiddled with his nerdy ass glasses. He never took off his backpack if he could help it. And Mikasa was dressed in her all black outfit, including choker, lipstick, the works.
Fucking Goth kids.
"What're you all doing, spying on me?" Levi rubbed his eye.
"W-We've just never seen you sleeping outside, Mr. Levi." Armin squeaked when Levi frowned at him.
"Well, go on. Get back to class."
"Uh, school's over for the day, Mr. Levi."
Right. He looked across the street at the chain link fence and the rectangular, uninspiring beige buildings. PARADISE VALLEY HIGH SCHOOL was printed on a sign.
Right. If school was over, he had to finish mopping the cafeteria. Shit, hope his uniform hadn't gotten dirty.
"Then go home. Hear me, brats? Go home." Levi got to his feet. Armin squawked and sprinted away like the cowardly little shit he was. Eren chased after his friend, while Mikasa walked off at a sedate pace that let Levi know he didn't scare her. Tch. Gloomy brat.
He rubbed the back of his head.
"Feel like I just had the longest dream," he grumbled. He swiped dirt from his janitorial uniform as he trudged across the street back to school. "What was it? Now I can't remember."
Ah well. It probably wasn't worth remembering, anyway.
After he did the cafeteria, Levi went through the classrooms one last time, making sure the white boards had no trace of marker left. He hated that shit. He preferred to see everything sleek and shining white.
He hummed as he dunked his mop, as he sanitized the bathrooms. He loved the smell of bleach and soap. What a great job.
After he finished for the day, Levi went back to his apartment. He tried to be normal, but he couldn't help feeling weird in the pit of his stomach. Like he was forgetting something, like he'd left the stove on somewhere.
Normally he'd make tea after work, but the sleeping under the tree thing had him rattled enough that he opened the fridge and snagged one of the beers Hange brought over for the game. Levi wasn't much of a drinker, but he was grateful for this tonight. He took off the cap and sipped out of the bottle while he flipped through some channels. Wasn't much of a TV watcher either, but he needed something to do.
He settled on some oldass classic movie, Clash of the Titans. He watched some claymation monstrosities stagger across the screen while he drank.
Titans. That word pinged something. Maybe that's where he'd gotten the idea. That had to be it.
He thought to pull out his phone and call Hange, see if she could come over, but that'd make her ask questions and he hated that shit. Levi shut off the movie, made a quick dinner, worked out a little, then washed up and went to bed.
He laid there in the dark, staring at the ceiling and trying to figure out what his problem was. He heard the whirr as his air conditioner clicked on. That tree…
Why the fuck had he been asleep out there? He could remember the day perfectly well. Wake up, tea, shower, go to work. Eat lunch. But the section of going outside after school and zonking out under that tree was missing.
"Probably old age settling in," he grumbled. Then he rolled over and tried to sleep.
"Maybe it's early onset dementia," Hange said brightly the next day. They were in the teachers' lounge, and she was still wearing her lab coat and goggles from science class. At least this time there were no frog guts on her clothes.
"Thanks, Four Eyes. That makes me feel a lot better."
"You don't sleep much," Erwin said. He shrugged. In his tweed coat, he was every high school girl's 'dreamy history teacher' fantasy come to life. "You must have just crashed."
"Yeah. That's probably it."
Erwin's enormous eyebrows knitted together. "But you don't really believe that. Do you?"
"I just feel like I'm forgetting something," Levi grumbled. "Something important."
The bell rang. Hange gulped the rest of her coffee and tossed the Styrofoam cup into the trash.
"Well! Science waits for no man. Or woman. Or other." She gave Levi a thumbs up. "Bar trivia tonight?"
"Why do you ask me? I know exactly dick about shit," Levi snapped.
"I have some papers to grade," Erwin said.
"Betcha Eyebrows here has a date," Levi said. Erwin scoffed.
"Not at the moment, no."
"We're all a bunch of sad, single thirty-something losers," Hange said. Still chipper as hell. Still smiling. "Hey, it's the way of the modern man. Or woman. Or other."
"Please go to class and stop talking to me," Levi said.
He worked the rest of the day, but he couldn't stop thinking. It was like a drumming at the back of his mind. After the last bell rang, and he'd mopped the central hallway, Levi was headed out when he found Erwin at the front door.
"Do you need a ride home?"
"Tch. My apartment's, like, eight blocks away."
"I thought you might need to talk. You seem preoccupied."
"Preoccupied? That educated dick speak for 'fucking squirrelly'?"
"Well. Yes." Erwin grinned. Eh, so did Levi.
"I'm fine. Probably coming down with something." Even though he sanitized every available surface as much as he possibly could. Tch. The world was dirty. "We're still on for this weekend, right?"
"You mean are we still going to escort Hange to that midnight premiere of that horrendous comic book movie just so we can make certain she doesn't get drunk and yell at the screen? Too much?"
"C'mon. You love the adventures of Captain Whatever." Like Levi could keep this comic book shit straight.
Erwin laughed. "Yes. I'll be sure to hydrate ahead of time. And bring ear plugs."
Levi turned back around to say something to Erwin, but he stopped short. "Oi. Did you see that?"
"What?" Erwin turned. No one was there.
"Thought I saw someone watching us from across the street." Levi blinked. "Shit. Maybe I got a brain tumor if I'm making up random kids now."
"You're overtired, like I said. Go home and take some melatonin." Erwin went to his car, waving goodbye. Levi walked back to his apartment.
He went through his nightly routine. He had tea, watched some crappy TV, ate dinner, worked out, washed up, went to bed. Levi liked routine. Order. That's why this constant weird feeling in his gut wasn't sitting well with him.
He didn't like not knowing things.
Usually, Levi didn't dream. Or at least he didn't remember his dreams when he woke. But at three AM, he sat up, heart pounding.
The scene had been so vivid. A forest, and two people floating fifty feet above the ground. He couldn't make out their faces, but the man had been talking to the woman. Saying beautiful things.
Probably a replay of some TV show moment that his brain coughed up. Though fuck only knew why it was so sappy.
Levi laid back down, but sleep evaded him.
The tension in his gut only increased the next day. He snapped at that Kirschtein brat to stop hanging out at his locker, and the Springer kid was obnoxious on a whole new fucking level.
"Maybe you should see a doctor," Erwin said later that afternoon. Again, he'd offered Levi a ride home. Again, Levi told him to stuff it.
"Like a head shrinker?"
"I think you might have a, er, lot of issues from childhood. You're in your mid thirties now. It's the beginning of a mid-life crisis, maybe."
"I have an idea, Erwin. Shut the fuck up." At least tomorrow was Friday. He could go home and sit by himself for the entire weekend, get his thoughts in order. Ah, fuck. But he'd promised to take Hange to that stupid movie. Well, he'd claim he was sick. Let Erwin suffer all on his own.
"Did you try the melatonin?"
"Did you hear me when I said to shut up?" Levi snapped. He turned around, facing his best friend. Well, his best friend's stomach and chest area. Erwin was tall as fuck. "Why're you on my ass about this? Why can't I just—"
"Um. Um."
Levi paused. He heard a kid's voice. A girl. He looked left and found her standing before the two grown ass men. She wore a cute little pink dress with a sweater over it. Her black hair was in a high ponytail.
She looked like—
"What the fuck?" he breathed.
The little girl looked like him. Same face. Same eye color. Same hair color. It was like seeing his reflection, or a ghost.
"Levi?" Erwin also sounded stunned.
"Fuck, you see it, too?"
"Um," the little girl said. She was holding a piece of yellow paper in her hand. She scuffed her sneaker on the concrete.
"What's your name?" Levi barked. "Oi! Who are you?"
The kid's eyes flooded with tears, and she started sobbing. Levi froze, unsure what the hell to do as she flung herself forward and…hugged him. The kid squeezed him tight, weeping into his shoulder. Fuck, she'd stain his uniform. What the…?
"Get off!" He shoved her away. "Who the fuck are you?"
But she wailed harder. Her chin wobbled. What the fuck? What the…?
"What's your name?" Erwin sounded more adult, more professional.
"P-Please…" The kid flung the piece of paper at Levi, then wheeled around and bolted. She raced away. Pretty damn fast, too.
"Oi, come back! Hey!"
Levi chased her, but by the time he turned the corner she had vanished. He came to a stop, looked around. Nothing. The brat had vanished.
"Levi? What the hell was that?" Erwin looked spooked when Levi returned. He'd picked up the paper. Levi snatched it, read.
STORY TIME AT THE VILLAGE BOOKSTORE!
Fun for children of all ages! Bring a comfy blanket and stuffed animal and enjoy!
Mon-Fri at 2PM in the kids' section
And then some picture of a smiling kid with a book.
"Am I losing my mind?" Levi croaked. "What is this?"
"Maybe we should investigate," Erwin said.
Levi stared at the flyer, the picture, the address. He crumbled the paper into a ball and chucked it into a trash can.
"Some brat from Girl Scouts or something. Probably wanted me to come buy cookies or some shit."
"But she looked like—"
"Enough! Fucking hell, Erwin, don't you lose your fucking shit, too."
Levi stormed away, back home, where he sat for the rest of the evening. He didn't hear the news or the game or whatever stupid sitcom was on. He barely tasted his dinner. He stood in the shower for over twenty minutes, just letting the hot water pound against his body.
He laid in bed that night and felt all tangled up inside. That stupid kid. That flyer.
What did she want from him?
He tossed and turned, and as the digital clock read 3:17 he made a decision. He'd go there tomorrow, to that stupid bookstore. Ask if anyone knew some kid. It was the only lead he had to go on.
Only then was he able to get any sleep.
He missed story time because he had a fucking job, but Levi strolled into the center of town around quarter to four. He stood across the street from the bookstore. A giant glass window showed a display of seasonal books, with smiley cutouts of boys and girls stationed around. Cutesy shit. Real vomit worthy.
Levi crossed and opened the door. A bell jingled.
It was a standard bookstore, a few musty shelves. A counter. Near the far back of the room, he saw a place with big painted mice and frolicking pigs. Kids' section.
A woman stood behind the counter, reading something. She wore a stern look, enhanced by her librarian glasses and bob of white-blond hair. Looked kinda mean.
"Oi, Miss? Uh." Levi strolled to the counter. The woman looked up. She didn't seem amused. "You seen any kids around here?"
The woman frowned. "I beg your pardon?"
"Like a little girl who looks, well, a lot like me?"
She set her book down. "Your daughter?"
"No. Just…she looks like me."
Now he was getting 'stranger danger' glares. Fuck. He should've thought this through.
"It's okay, Rico. I'll handle this," a woman said. Her voice was warm, almost musical. Levi turned.
His breath stopped.
She was the most beautiful woman he'd ever seen.
She was about his age, mid-thirties, with a bob of red-orange hair that seemed to glow in the afternoon sun. Her eyes were wide and a pure amber color, like fire and autumn. She wore a pencil skirt and a neat blouse, and smiled at him. She smelled like lavender.
God, she was…
"Okay." The woman, Rico, went back to her book. Levi followed the beautiful woman to the side of the store.
"Can I help you, sir?"
"Um. There was a kid. Yesterday. She gave me a flyer? About story time?"
"Do you have a child you'd like to bring?" She seemed so earnest. So sweet.
"No, see, this kid looked a lot like me. Black hair. Blue eyes. Like just like me. I wondered if you knew her?"
The woman stared at him for a minute, her lips pressed together. Fuck, he scared her. She thought he was some perv. His guts twisted when he realized he'd blown his shot with her. What shot? Levi didn't fucking date.
"That doesn't ring a bell," she said at last.
"Yeah. Sorry, it's a weird question. She just seemed real upset." He felt his face heating up. "I, uh, wanted to make sure she was okay."
"Well. That's very nice of you." She smiled. He felt warmth light up all through him when he saw that smile. "Anything else? Did you need a book?"
"Um." No, he wasn't much of a reader. But he needed to keep talking. He had to stay with this woman for a little while. "What do you recommend?"
She took him over to the Mystery/Crime section. She picked up some book and talked about how it'd just hit the bestseller list. Then she showed him a line of paperbacks, pulled out the first in the series.
"This one's about a private detective and his best friend, who used to be in the military." She showed it to Levi.
"Nice," he croaked.
"Sorry, you just seemed like a mystery guy to me."
Oh, yeah. You could say that.
"What, um, what books do you like?" he asked. He couldn't tear his eyes from her face.
"Well, I'm more into romance. I'm not sure you'd like them." She laughed, a beautiful sound.
"Uh, I don't know. Can I see some?"
Surprised, the woman led him to another shelf. It had a lot of pink covers and loopy printing on the spines. He saw a lot of swooning women in ball gowns. Yeah. Not really his thing. But he stared at the woman while she talked about her favorites.
"Anything else, sir?" She was pleasant, but he knew she was about to go back to work. Panicked, he tried to think of something… Anything…
"Oi. There was this, uh, scene I remembered from a movie, or something? I wondered if maybe it'd been a book. Uh. I'd like to read it."
"Sure! Do you remember the title of the movie?"
"No." Damn it, he didn't even know what the movie was about. It was that stupid fragment of a dream, the couple hovering fifty feet in the air in a forest. At winter, yes, he remembered now. There'd been snow on the ground. Somehow this woman's face clarified the hazy memory. "I just remember this scene. Um. It's a man and a woman. In a forest. At night."
"Uh huh." She had to be humoring him. Levi pushed ahead.
"It's winter, and they're, um, both high in the air." Another flash of memory. "On a tree branch."
"That sounds pretty."
"Yeah, and they're talking." He thought and thought, and realized that he could see that couple more clearly now. Fuck. Like he could even hear them speak.
"What are they saying?" she asked.
"Uh. I don't know." No, that wasn't true. It was like watching something come up towards him as he bent over a lake or a river. The image became clearer the closer it drew to the surface. "They're talking about, like, how he, uh, the man doesn't understand her."
"Is that what he says?" She was looking him right in the eyes. "I don't understand you?"
"Yeah. I think so." Levi rubbed his forehead. Felt like a headache was coming on. "And, um, something about…yeah. He doesn't understand her because she smiles."
"She smiles?"
"Because she smiles at him." His heart was beating fast now.
"Why are they in the forest?" she whispered.
"Because the police are after them." He didn't even think; the words spilled from his mouth.
"Why?"
"Because he had to save her," Levi croaked. "He could never let anything bad happen to her."
"He sounds like a brave man."
Was it his insanity, or did it seem like a thin line of tears was shining in her eyes?
"Not brave when she's in danger," he breathed. "She's like…the sun."
"The sun?" The woman smiled. "Is that what he says? Do you remember what he says?"
"I do." He did. "First time I saw the sun, it hurt me. That's what he says to her. And…" Now it was like running downhill. Faster and faster, easier and easier. "But it was instantly the only thing I wanted. It was too bright. Too warm. I thought it was a lie. If anything broke that part of you…of her."
Fuck, why was his throat swelling? Why were his eyes burning?
"Her. Yes," the beautiful woman said. She drew closer to him.
"I don't want to live without that," Levi said. Without her.
"Is that why you hurt him?" she whispered.
"That's why I wanted to kill him," Levi growled. "Because it's like he was trying to take the sun away from me."
What a piece of shit he was. Here he was, making her cry. His own vision got blurry as he reached up and cupped her cheek with his rough, ugly hand.
"Petra," he murmured.
"Hello, Levi." She began to laugh and cry at the same time. "Thank you for finding your way back."
"Baby…"
And then she was in his arms. His mouth was on hers. And as they kissed and she cried, and he cried a little, and as he turned around and around with her in his arms, Levi Ackerman realized he'd come home.
The path had been long, but now the journey was over.
"I love you. Always," he whispered against her lips.
"Forever," she answered.
Levi kissed his wife again, with all the time in the world.