A/N: another one of my favorite chapters -yes, it does involve an emotional scene that takes place on a bed, leave me be
this chapter holds mentions of sexual assault.
When Padmé lay down in bed at night still wearing her day clothes with a book opened in front of her, she hadn't intended to fall asleep.
In fact, she didn't think she had fallen asleep but instead landed on that bridge between consciousness and subconsciousness, in which she had some awareness of her surroundings but wasn't truly in control of her mind, either. She knew as much because she was perfectly alerted to the sounds of knocking against the door to the room, but only after the door was pushed uninvitedly open that she came back abruptly from her state of semi-consciousness and rushed into a sitting position.
"I'm awake."
Leia blushed intensely upon the sight that she had awakened her mother. "I — I'm so sorry, Padmé. Your lights were on, and… Regardless, I should have respected your privacy."
"The lights were on because I wasn't asleep," she affirmed, then shrugged, "Or I wasn't supposed to be asleep."
Leia silently chuckled. "It can wait. It's nothing too important."
"Nonsense," Padmé waved it off, pulling on the sheets over the empty side of the mattress for Leia to accommodate herself. "Come on, hop in."
Still a little hesitant, Leia agreed, closing the door behind her with a soft thud and settling under the blankets next to Padmé. Padmé noticed that, unlike her, Leia had her makeup off and was wearing a silk black robe, presumably being in her sleep attire underneath. Her hair was pulled into a single braid on the side of her head, coming down over her shoulder down to her stomach.
She looked ready to sleep — yet, unlike Padmé, sleep evaded her.
"I just got word from Coruscant," she announced quietly, crossing her legs under the sheets. For some reason that Padmé had yet to understand, Leia was avoiding eye contact at all costs.
"Yeah?" Padmé instigated, "Everything is running smoothly in your absence against your better judgment, I suppose?"
"Well," Leia tilted her head, "Apparently — Ameera has run away."
Padmé's eyes widened as she reiterated dully, "Ameera has run away."
"Ameera has run away," Leia dragged her head up and down.
"Why?!" Padmé demanded, a little desperate, "How?!"
"Bria told me she stole a shuttle and took off without a warning."
"And nobody tried to shoot her down?"
"Bria also told me she hacked into one of my datapads and sanctioned a mission under my name."
Padmé made a face — that sounded like Ameera.
"There must have been a reason," Padmé prompted.
"She left Bria a note," Leia revealed, "In verbatim — I would tell Leia to fuck off, but since I know she's not going to fuck off, I'm fucking off myself."
Padmé chuckled to herself; that, too, sounded awfully like Ameera.
"That's a lot of fucks in one sentence only. Is this all because you told Bria to keep an eye out for her?"
"I suppose," Leia shuddered, "The note also said she was going to Zora, but I don't know if that's a star system, a place, or a person."
"Oh," she uttered quietly, for it now made sense. "Zora — that was her sister's girlfriend, from before her parents died. We were meant to find her and visit her together, but… I guess that seeing how I've come to be reunited with my family, Ameera found the strength to go after hers."
Leia smiled at that. "In that case, I'm happy for her."
"Yeah," Padmé agreed absently, leaning against the headboard. "Leia?"
"Hm?"
"That's not why you're here," she inferred, "That was only your excuse to get you through the door."
Leia blushed again, although laughed embarrassedly as she lowered her eyes to her lap.
"I'm running away from Han, actually."
She said it very calmly and even a little lovingly; her tone gave Padmé no reason to worry.
"Did you have a fight?"
"No, no, nothing like that," Leia sighed. "Han is too good a man. It drives me insane."
Padmé huffed; she recognized as much. She loved Han, and she loved that Han made Leia happy. "Women don't usually run away from good men."
Leia chuckled. "No, I don't suppose they do."
There was a brief addendum of silence, in which Padmé simply watched as Leia anxiously fidgeted with her hands.
"Padmé?"
"Yes?"
"A long time ago, we had a conversation," Leia said, her voice somehow firm despite her weak composure. "I asked you if we would ever be friends."
Padmé slowly nodded. "I remember."
For the first time, Leia forced herself to look at Padmé.
"Well — Are we? Are we friends, Padmé?"
"I like to believe we are, Leia," Padmé reassured, "After everything we've been through, good and bad, I think it would be impetuous to claim we don't share some deep understanding of each other, something that was bounded by our mutual respect and even admiration, I would say, for each other."
Leia compressed her lips. "Okay. I think we're friends, too."
That awkward silence again.
"Back then, you also told me something very important. Something that I never forgot, that I stored safely in my mind for when I needed it the most," she was looking down again.
Padmé waited; she had no recollection of something she said that would be that important.
"You told me that, no matter where we found ourselves in our relationship, that I should always feel comfortable enough to come to you regarding some… things," she made a face to herself, surprised with her lack of eloquence.
"Yes," Padmé said, deciding to agree with it even though she didn't know what it was about. After all, she hoped Leia would find herself comfortable to come to her regarding anything, no matter how frivolous.
Leia exhaled loudly, burying her face in her hands.
"You told me that, if I ever had any issues… with sex," she spat out the word, "Then I should be comfortable enough to come to you."
Padmé's mouth shaped an oh — so that was what it was all about. She remembered vaguely the conversation, and she was pleased to know that Leia had taken her words to heart, even back when they were still enduring troubled waters.
"Does it…" Leia's voice became raspy, "Does it still stand?"
"It does," Padmé quickly provided; she didn't want Leia's own insecurities to make her run away. She leaned forward to have a better look of hers. "What's going on, Leia?"
She sighed again, resigned.
"Are you okay?" Padmé asked when Leia clung to her silence.
"I am now," she certified before Padmé started losing her head. "Thirty minutes ago… Not so much."
She assented. "Is that why you are running away from Han?"
Leia grunted, at last bringing down her hands. "He was — suffocating me."
Padmé's heart skipped a beat.
"Not like that," Leia immediately said. "Han would never try to pressure me into something I didn't want, or wasn't ready for."
She swallowed hard. "The way you phrased it, Leia, you can't blame me—"
"Han was suffocating me. He's gentle, he's kind, he's understanding. He keeps telling me that it's okay, that he loves me, that nothing will ever drive him away, and I'm sick of it. I'm sick of him acting all—"
"Like a decent human being?" Padmé offered, then discreetly uttered a laugh. "Only you to make it sound like any of those qualities are bad things, you know."
She brought her knees close to her chest. "It's not Han's fault. He — He's perfect in every single way. It's me, I… I'm the faulty one."
"Leia," Padmé stopped her, "You know that's not true."
"Yeah," she wrapped her arms around her legs. "I know."
"Are you here just because you wanted a place to hide from Han for a moment?" Padmé genuinely asked. "You can stay here for as long as you like. If you want to spend the night, then go ahead. I'll go tell Han that you're okay, and that you only need some alone time. Although I don't think you should be running away from him, I understand, And I'm certain Han will understand too. As you've stated loud and clear, he loves you."
Leia smiled to herself, appreciating Padmé's offer. "That's not why I'm here."
"Okay…" she agreed reluctantly. "Not that I don't enjoy your presence, Leia, but why preciselyare you here?"
She would silently wait until Leia was ready to talk.
"Padmé," when Leia looked at her, her eyes were glowing. "How do I have sex with Han again?"
Padmé's face fell and she reacted blankly to the question. She had expected some sort of query regarding sex when Leia had announced her true reason for being there, but she had never anticipated something so crude and intimate as that.
Therefore, she simply stared at Leia. Wordlessly, unsure of how to respond, on how to act.
Noticing Padmé's consternation, Leia retrieved back into her cocoon. "Maybe I should go."
That seemed to snap Padmé back into reality. "No, no. I'm sorry, it just caught me off guard."
"I can imagine," she replied distantly.
"Can you… Can you tell me a little more?" Padmé asked with her gentlest voice; she understood they were walking on eggshells and the slightest misuse of words could set Leia off. "Only if it doesn't make you uncomfortable."
"Padmé, this entire conversation makes me uncomfortable," Leia snapped. "But I'm here, aren't I? I'm — willing to step out of my comfort zone here—and if you say you're proud of me, I will smack you in the face."
Padmé huffed. "Goodness, me? I wouldn't dream of it."
Leia rolled her eyes.
Padmé reached forward to place her hand on Leia. "Come on. Talk to me."
"It's just — argh, it's not that I don't want to have sex with Han, because I do. I miss him and I miss sharing that sort of intimacy and connection with Han, but… Every time we try, I freeze, I get sent back — to Jabba's palace. I don't want to be there, I just want to be with Han."
Padmé smiled sadly, thinking. Thinking, thinking—
"Okay," she decided, "I'll go make us some tea, alright? So we can calm ourselves a little more and have an easy conversation."
Leia snorted at herself. "Do I really look this tense?"
"A little bit," Padmé conceded.
"Okay," she agreed.
"Okay," Padmé reiterated. "I'll be right back. Try not to lose your head while I'm gone, alright?"
She chuckled. "I make no promises."
Shaking her head slightly, Padmé squeezed her shoulder before standing up. She didn't glance back as she stepped outside, and held her head high as she followed her way to the kitchen. Only after she climbed down the stairs and was certain that she was far away enough from Leia's sense that she allowed herself to lose her own head.
"What the fuck," she muttered under her breath. The truth was — she didn't just send herself on a tea errand, she was fleeing. Fleeing, because she needed to think; because she had no idea how to answer Leia's question without making it worse. Actually, she didn't even think she had the expertise required to make it something.
She just prayed she had managed to hold her composure long enough so Leia wouldn't sense her doubts.
"Okay," she whispered, running the back of her hand across her forehead. "Fuck. Okay, I've got this."
She wasn't sure of her own words, but she thought that if she posed as such, she might just fool herself until an answer came to her.
So, she went to the kitchen. She searched one of the cabinets through the several tea sachets until she found one she knew that Leia would enjoy, and she put the kettle on. She leaned against the corner, her eyes resting on the kettle even though her mind resided somewhere else entirely. The only thing that would snap her back to herself was its loud whistle.
That or the sound of her father behind her.
"I thought you had gone to bed."
Padmé jumped at the voice.
"I thought you and Mama were entertaining Luke with your whole life story."
Ruwee huffed. "Oh, we were, but the boy was struggling to keep his eyes open so your mother sent him to bed."
Her lips turned up. "He means well."
"He does," he nodded, "I'm certain he would have stayed there just listening to us talk for the rest of the night, no matter how tired he was."
"He just wants to fit in," she said. "He wants to be part of the family, and he thinks that he might truly be accepted if he humors you and if he proves himself worthy of our family history."
Ruwee pressed his lips together. "He doesn't need to prove himself. He's already family."
She smiled, appreciative of that. "The self-doubt doesn't come from the way you treat him, but from himself. He never really had a family growing up, at least not a family like ours."
"Well, hopefully, he can leave Naboo with one family more."
"Yeah," she agreed, turning her head back towards the kettle.
"Can't sleep?"
"Hm? Oh, I can sleep just fine," she muttered, reminiscing how she would have most likely fallen asleep over her book and only come back to herself in the morning. "It's for Leia."
"Leia?" he frowned, "I thought she'd be sleeping as dead as a rock by now since she refused to step away after lunch even though she was clearly tired from healing your mother."
Padmé rolled her eyes at her daughter's social norms.
"Yeah, I thought so too," she spoke softly. "It is what it is, though."
Ruwee huffed, letting it go. He himself became rather familiar with sleepless nights after the death of his younger daughter; more often than not, the pain in his heart grew tighter at night.
He sat by the table; he had only come into the kitchen to fetch a glass of water before he tucked in for the night, but he wasn't opposed to waiting for Padmé, even if they didn't have anything to talk about.
Turned out that, with his daughter's return, he was prone to longing to be with her at every single second of every day. Too scared that he would look away only to find her gone, again.
"Papa?"
Her voice called him back from his thoughts. "Yes, dear?"
She took a seat opposite him. "Looking back, how hard was it? Parenting, I mean?"
Ruwee corked up one of his brows. "What is this about, Padmé?"
She shrugged. "Just… curious."
Although he didn't believe her, he answered her anyway. "The hardest thing I've ever done. But I don't regret it in the slightest."
Padmé smiled sweetly. "Do you feel like you've made a lot of mistakes?"
"Oh, so many," he grunted. "But nothing that would willingly or unwillingly put you in harm's way. Or that would drastically change you as a person."
She snorted. "I guess that the good thing about having children is that you can screw up so many times and yet they'll never know of your mistakes. Thing is, I'm a new mother to two fully grown-up people. When I mess up — and trust me, sometimes all I can do is mess up — they're aware of it."
"Well, they shouldn't judge you too harshly," he said, "As adults themselves, they can mess up a lot, too."
Padmé chuckled.
"Is it possible to miss something you've never had?" she asked, low. "Because I do. I miss everything I was supposed to have as they grew up under my care."
"Hm. I don't think you should chasten yourself for feeling that way, so long as you don't let it affect the parent you are today," he instructed. "The twins need you now. They might have needed you in the past too, yes, but the past is gone. Focus on what you can do now."
She nodded, understanding. A wave of nostalgia swept over her, as she never thought she would find herself discussing parenthood with her father.
"Papa, growing up, did we ever ask you a question that you absolutely did not know how to answer?"
"Is this about wherebabies come from? Because I delegated that to your mother the moment you and Sola started pestering me about it," he reminisced, then frowned, "I'm pretty sure the twins are far too old to be asking you about that."
Padmé chuckled.
"Yeah, no, it's not about that," she certified. "Leia — asked me something that I don't know how to answer."
Ruwee blew a puff of air from his mouth. "Leia is a clever girl. I hardly think there's anything that she can't solve for herself."
She shook her head. "Perhaps she can solve this for herself in the long run, but she doesn't have to. That's why I got a second chance, a chance to go back. So I could help them with the things that they're going through, so they won't be alone."
He assented. "I take it that this question she made to you is something that matters."
"Yes."
"May I inquire what it is about?"
"You may," she hesitated, "But I can't answer you."
He huffed. "Fair enough."
"It's not that I don't trust you, or wouldn't want your insight because — god, I could use some insight right now. But I can pass on something that she's confided in me," she chortled to herself, "That is a mistake I now know better than making."
Ruwee dismissed her explanation with a wave.
"Where is she right now?"
"In my room," she said. "She went there for — help with this thing and I came down with the excuse of making us some tea."
"Well, Padmé, if you're looking for insight," he lowered his chin at her, "Truth is always the foundation of a healthy dialogue."
Padmé sighed. "You want me to go back there and tell her that I panicked because I didn't know how to give her a tangible answer?"
He shot his shoulders up and down. "She'll know if you're lying, anyway."
"I guess," she placed two fingers on her temple. "Then what? I tell her that I failed her?"
Ruwee started roughly laughing.
Padmé turned red. "What—Why are you laughing? This is serious."
"I'm certain it's serious," he uttered, "Newcomer mothers — they never cease to amaze me."
Her blushing only intensified. "Papa, my kids are twenty-three years old."
"And? You've only just started being their mother," he pointed out. "When Sola first had Ryoo, my, she would call us desperate in the middle of the night at least three times a week. You, dear, are doing the same right now."
Padmé puffed, offended.
"For what it's worth, the perks of having a new twenty-three years old child is that they're a lot more forgiving than a newborn baby," he said. "Leia's probably just as oblivious as you are. From my perspective, if you start from there, there's nothing left to lose."
She rested her chin on her hand. "I suppose you're right."
"I am," he huffed. "You should go back up. It usually doesn't take this long to make some tea."
Her eyes widened; she had completely forgotten about that. "Right, yes."
"And take some biscuits with you, will you?" he gestured towards the cookie jars on the counter. "No good ever comes from having heavy conversations on empty stomachs."
Padmé made a face. "Empty stomachs? Mama's only job as of the moment is to make up for all the years she missed on stuffing the twins with extravagant meals."
Ruwee laughed. "Take it with you anyway."
She rolled her eyes but obeyed her father anyway.
Padmé struggled to open the door to her room with her elbow while carrying a tray with two cups of tea and a plate with biscuits, but she managed. She managed, despite Leia noticing her coming in and not moving a muscle to help her out.
Padmé didn't mind as she walked up to the bed and placed the trail over the mattress, then taking a seat herself. Leia had made herself completely welcome and comfortable there as she laid on her side, facing inwards, and had a blanket tightly wrapped around herself, up to her neck, leaving only her head out. Her eyes were alert and following Padmé's every move.
"Sorry it took me a while," Padmé started, "I stopped by yours and Han's room. He was losing his mind about your whereabouts."
"Too perfect a man," Leia grunted. "What did you tell him?"
"That you're okay, that he doesn't need to worry about you," she said, "Not that he won't worry, but at least he'll worry less because he knows you're with me."
"Okay."
Leia didn't think that Padmé would tell him the specifics of why she was hiding in her bedroom, and she was grateful that she had taken the time to ease Han's mind.
"Here, have some tea," Padmé handed her a cup, forcing her out of her cocoon and back into a sitting position. "Leia?"
"Hm?" she hummed, bringing the cup to her lips.
"I'm sorry."
Leia squinted her eyes at Padmé, the cup still in front of her mouth.
"I — I panicked," she admitted with a slight stutter. "I panicked and I ran away. I'm sorry."
She chuckled, lowering the mug to her lap. "I know. It's okay, I would have run away too."
"You—You knew?!" Padmé muttered, disbelieved. "I thought I had managed to conceal my emotions all right."
"Well, it might come off as a little suspicious if you abruptly excuse yourself after being asked a tough question," Leia teased. "But like I said, it's okay. You came back."
Padmé huffed at the irony of Leia appreciating that she came back, when a few months before she absolutely despised the idea of Padmé coming back into her life.
"Never thought you'd give me points for that," she joked, and Leia laughed.
"I think I lost the right to hold a grudge over that when I sneaked into your bed asking about sex like a horny teenager."
Padmé shook her head. "Come on. Have a biscuit."
"Yes, ma'am."
Padmé picked up her own mug, letting it warm her hands. "Let's talk about it, Leia."
Leia stared at the transparent drink in her hands, counting the leaves' designs forming in the bottle of the mug. "Did you think of anything to answer while down there?"
"Not really," she admitted. "Not anything that would actually be helpful, but… We're clever girls, we can talk this through."
"Okay," Leia assented. "I believe that."
"Okay," Padmé bowed vigorously. "Are you comfortable for me to ask you a few questions?"
"I don't know," she shuddered. "Ask away."
"Okay, have you talked about it with Han?"
"Yes, I told him about what happened," she replied coolly.
"Okay, but have you talked to him, Leia?" she inquired, "Set some grounds. Make it clear what you are and aren't comfortable with."
"But I don't know!" she exclaimed. "I don't know what's going to set me off."
"Then I would say you haven't fully regained control of your body," she suggested. "Leia, before you can achieve having sex with Han, you need to learn how to reconnect to your body."
"You're right," Leia whispered, ashamed of herself. She forced her grip around the mug so her hands wouldn't shake. "Ever since it happened, I learned how to dissociate from my body. I had to, Padmé, I needed to suppress if I were to move on."
"There's no shame in that," she said, her words soft. "There's no shame in doing whatever you must to survive."
She swallowed roughly, blinking heavily as she forced her composure intact.
Padmé didn't miss the signs. "You're doing it right now, Leia."
Leia only became more rigid at that. "I—I didn't do it on purpose."
"I know."
"Talking about — this, about sex… I don't know how to do it if I don't try to separate my emotions from my body. Padmé, I don't know how to do this. It's the same whenever I try to have anything intimate with Han. I panic, and Han pulls away, and then — I become numb. It's like I can't feel anything, so I just lie there, paralyzed, and… Sometimes, I'm terrified of coming back. I'm so scared of where my mind will take me."
"It's your coping mechanism, I understand," Padmé said, "It doesn't mean it's a healthy one, though."
"Well—I don't know how not to, okay? Especially after Han and I try to have something," she grunted, but soon after softened her attitude, "It's the only way I know how to protect myself."
"Can you take a deep breath for me?" Padmé asked, and Leia obliged. "Okay. Can you tell me where you are right now?"
Leia rolled her eyes. "I'm not stupid, I know—"
"Leia."
"Fine," she muttered. "We're in Naboo. At Varykino."
"A little more specific than that."
She sighed, temperamental. "We're at your parents' home. I'm hiding in your room. I'm lying on my mother's bed, I'm…"
Leia paused.
"Can you feel my hand on you?"
"Y—yes."
"You're here now, Leia. You're—"
"Safe. I'm safe."
Padmé smiled.
"Safety, Leia, that's where you're at. The people who hurt you are all dead, they have no power anymore. Not over your freedom, not over your body. You are safe now."
"I know," she whispered. "I feel safe, most of the time."
"Do you feel safe with Han?"
"Unconditionally."
"Okay — do you feel safe with your body?"
This time, silence.
"Your body is your temple, Leia. Praise it, accept it with all of its perfections and its flaws. Learn how to be intimate with your body before you try to be intimate with another person."
"Okay," she hesitantly agreed. "How do I do that?"
Padmé allowed herself some seconds to think, and the answer came to her all too easy.
"Touch yourself. Masturbate."
Under any other circumstances, it would have been comic how red and petrified Leia became.
"Come on now," Padmé berated her, "You can't possibly tell me that you've never masturbated."
Leia's blush only intensified at Padmé's clinical vocabulary.
"I have, but… I never thought my mother would be ordering me to masturbate."
Shaking her head, Padmé chuckled.
"It's not an order, it's a suggestion," she emphasized, "One that I strongly recommend. There's no greater way to augment comfort with your body and with your sexual life than through masturbation. I assume you haven't tried to touch yourself ever since it happened?"
"I haven't," she conceded. "I can't explain it, it just… It doesn't feel right."
"It feels like you don't deserve to feel pleasure? Like it's not safe to?"
Leia licked her lips. "In a way."
"Start from there, then," Padmé reaffirmed. "You have full control of your body, you have control of your surroundings. Make sure you feel safe in your environment, recreate it however you must to make it feel safe. Do whatever you must so you'll feel physically safe so you can engage in self-pleasure.
"I do feel safe back at the headquarters," she admitted. "And at the Falcon. The Falcon has always saved me from the worst moments of my life, so I always felt safe there, too."
"I'm sure Han wouldn't mind giving you some privacy down at the Falcon."
Leia attempted a smile. "He wouldn't."
"There you go then," Padmé grinned, too. "Before you can share your body with somebody else, you need to reclaim it as your own. Your body belongs to you, not to the people that hurt you. Get to know your body again in a way that feels comfortable for you. Masturbation will allow you to experience sexual pleasure without the pressure or fear of a partner. Through masturbation you'll get the chance to find out what works for you, you'll become familiar with what doesn't feel right and triggers you. Mostly, you'll relearn how to be present. Not only will that help for when you're ready for sex with Han, but it'll also make you feel more confident with yourself."
"Okay," Leia tucked every and each of Padmé's words into her heart, and she finally braced herself to look at Padmé again. "I think I can do that."
Padmé was thrilled that, even despite her initial awkwardness, Leia seemed more confident already.
"Remember, Leia, once you're ready to try again with Han, it's your responsibility to let him know what feels good to you. Communicate with him, both before and during sexual intercourse. No matter how hard it is, Han loves you and he only wants what's good for you, so talk to him. He will always be the one you can count on when you can't count on yourself."
"He'll understand, if I talk to him," Leia reiterated. "When I talk to him."
"Yes," Padmé smiled gently at him. "But also keep in mind that there's no rush. Take it as slow as you need, don't push yourself into things you aren't ready for. There's no outside force demanding you to get over your traumas right now, so you can lower the pressure you put on yourself as well."
Leia never thought that hearing that would take such a big burden out of her chest.
"I feel bad," Leia admitted. "I understand that I need to put myself and my needs first but… Han has been so patient, so understanding. I want him to know — that I love him as much as I love him."
Padmé nodded, crossing her legs in front of her. "What you need to understand, Leia, is that there are other means of intimacy that don't involve sex. Holding his hand, hugging him, kissing him, lying naked with him without any ulterior motives — those are just as sacred as having sex."
Leia bent her neck in the slightest, taken aback by something that had been said.
"You're right — I need to get acquainted not only with my body but with his as well."
Padmé assented.
"We are very drawn to physical contact, Han and I. He always secures me in his embrace at night, he always makes me feel safe. But… never something so intimate as that. Lying down with him in our most sacred forms. I think I can start from there."
This time, Padmé's smile was full of pride.
"Yes. Start as simply and as innocently as you need it to be," Padmé instructed. "One day at a time. Until you remember how to love yourself so you can move on to loving another human being."
Leia sighed peacefully, extending her arm to place her nearly empty cup of tea on the nightstand. "Okay."
Padmé did the same. "Okay."
Leia stretched her legs far, like she had at last allowed herself to relax.
"Thank you, Padmé," she spoke from her heart. "I was terrified to come here, I was terrified… Of having this conversation. Turns out I desperately needed it, and… Well, for someone who panicked and ran away, turns out you're pretty damn wise."
She chuckled, always amazed that someone as eloquent as her daughter had so much trouble expressing her personal feelings.
"No need to thank me," Padmé put it simply, resting her back against the headboard. "I'm here for you."
Leia nodded, grateful nonetheless.
"Padmé?"
"Yes?"
Her eyes were glowing again. "Do I need to start today?"
Padmé looked at her sadly, although understood that Leia completely eliminating the pressure from her own shoulders was easier said than done — because, a long time before, she used to be the same. Due to that deep mutual comprehension, Padmé put her hand on the pillow behind Leia.
"No," she said softly. "You've already taken so many steps ahead today, Leia, you can rest now."
"Okay," she thankfully consented, accepting Padmé's invitation for her to lie back down. "Padmé?"
"Yes, Leia?"
"I am really grateful that I have you in my life again."
Padmé's expression softened as she looked down on Leia, who was once again lying on her side with a blanket up to her neck.
"I'm happy to be here, and to have you, and your brother."
"No, you — you don't understand," Leia whispered, gazing up at her mother. "I was all alone. Despite Han and Luke, after I was assaulted, I… I felt very alone. I couldn't bring myself to tell them what had happened so I buried it deep inside of me and allowed it to damage me. I didn't have anyone, not a single woman figure in my life to guide me through the hell I was enduring. And when I finally found the strength to tell you, that's precisely what you said to me — that it must have been really lonely. And it was, Padmé, I felt like I was drowning and screaming for help but nobody could see or hear me. But… You did. Padmé, I genuinely don't know where I would have been today regarding my trauma if you hadn't extended your hand to me and pulled me out of the water."
Tears prickled her eyes. "It means a lot that you could trust me with one of the most horrific things that happened to you. And, it means a lot, today, that you feel safe enough to come to me to talk about sex."
"You made me feel safe when I told you, so," she said. "That sensation of safety remains, regardless if we're fighting or not."
Padmé huffed. "I do hope there's not any more heavy fighting in the future."
Leia chuckled. "Hear, hear."
Padmé smiled, reaching out and pulling the blankets even closer to Leia. Looking back, she never would have expected her and Leia to ever reach a healthy relationship, and she was relieved that they both had found it in their hearts to accept each other as they were, flaws and everything.
"Do you want to spend the night?"
"What?!"
Padmé laughed; she had assumed that Leia was only waiting for the invitation, as she had already perfectly settled on Padmé's bed, but it would seem that the thought hadn't even crossed her mind and she was taken aback by the suggestion.
"Spend the night, so you don't have to go back and face Han," she stated, "I know that you're calmer and more at ease now, but I know you. If you go back, you'll get anxious at talking to Han, and it's been a long day. You deserve to get a good night of sleep."
"You… You wouldn't mind?"
"Why would I?" she merely shrugged.
"I can think of several reasons."
Padmé rolled her eyes. "Well, stop thinking."
"You realize what you're asking of me?"
She laughed. "Yes. Relax now."
Several grunts escaped Leia's throat, but after a deep breath, she allowed herself to calm down.
"You know that I have nightmares, right?"
"Yes," Padmé answered coolly; not because she didn't care, but because she wanted her to know that there was no issue there. "I'm a heavy sleeper."
Leia licked her lips, determined to believe it.
"I used to have a lot of bad dreams when I was a child," Leia reminisced unexpectedly. "I think there's a nuance between bad dreams and nightmares. Maybe a bad dream is just a euphemism for children to be a little less scared, but… Bad dreams can be scary and upsetting, but once you wake up, despite that feeling of uneasiness, you know that you are safe. Nightmares, on the other hand, can bring out fear and terror and distress and anxiety, and… They're so vivid and intense that I almost never feel safe after a nightmare."
Padmé was surprised at how much Leia was sharing that night, yet she hoped their relationship would always be like this; that there would be no quarrels between them and they could always vent to each other.
"Anakin used to have lots of nightmares too," she said tightly, "I hated the feeling of impotence whenever I woke up in the middle of the night to find him gone. Wandering around the apartment, trying to get rid of the remnants of his nightmares."
"As if I didn't have enough reason to hate the guy," Leia moaned, "He also passes down to me the condition of never-ending nightmares."
Padmé huffed. "Genetics, yes, but we can also trace the roots of your nightmares to all the hardships you faced in life. Both of you."
Leia slipped the pillow from under her head and hugged it tightly.
"I hate it."
A twitch struck Padmé's soul at how heartfelt those three inarticulated words were. That same feeling of impotence from years ago struck her again, and in the absence of something tangible to do, she simply handed Leia a spare pillow.
Leia accepted it gratefully and slid it under her head.
"When I was a child, I used to run to my parents' bed every time I had a bad dream," she whispered. "I guess it's the same tonight. In reverse, but still the same."
Padmé gently put her hand on her head. "Your brain isn't making sense anymore. Go to sleep, Leia."
She shrugged, but still closed her eyes.
"I guess I really am tired," she mumbled. "It was a good day, though."
"It was," Padmé agreed, "The family loves you. And Luke."
"They're good people," she said. "I like them too."
Padmé picked up her book that had nearly gotten lost under the mess of blankets, brought her knees up, and placed the book against them.
"Padmé?"
Padmé had lost count of how many times she had heard her name already. "Yes, Leia?"
"Goodnight."
The mother threw a quick smile at the princess, one that Leia couldn't see. "Goodnight, love."
They exchanged no other words, and Padmé didn't know when precisely Leia had fallen asleep. She read some of her book, showered, changed into her pajamas, and was extremely careful to get back into bed without too much fuss.
When she extended her arm to turn off the lamp over the night table, she decided against it; if Leia woke up disoriented, she wouldn't be in the complete dark to further frighten her. So, she lied on her back and stared at the ceiling for a long time, listening only to the peaceful sound of Leia's breathing.
She didn't know when she fell asleep either, but a quiet slumber soon claimed her.
When they woke up again, they would both be surprised that no bad dreams visited either of them that night.
A/N: whelp, i've had this chapter planned in the back of my mind ever since I started writing this story, actually. i know some of you were waiting for a girls moment with all the naberrie girls, but the interactions between leia and padmé here are just if not even more important.
as always, I love hearing your thoughts :)
edit 05/14/2021: as I've already started receiving hate comments for this chapter, I would like to make something clear. this is NOT a stupid chapter, this is a crucial chapter on a woman who's become a victim of sexual assault trying to find confidence with herself again. if you're gonna come here and claim this is a "zero out of ten" or that "you're never reading this again", then you're a deplorable person who's incapable of feeling any compassion for the countless women out there who experience the hell that is being sexually assaulted or harassed. you're doing us all a favor by never reading my story again.