Fight 54: Lost in nightmares
It was night when Appa and the children arrived at the Black Cliff, the official rendezvous point for the invasion force. It was uninhabited, and the harbor surrounded by cliffs seemed like the perfect secluded place. This island had been picked because Sokka had recalled having heard about it from Chenlian and he had checked the location on a map with his dad and it was just... perfect. As they were preparing their bedding, Katara complimented his brother on this choice. They were even here four days ahead of schedule.
"Wait, four days?! The invasion's in four days?! " Aang suddenly realized and shot in the air in sheer panic, flailing about.
"Whatever." Sokka yawned and made himself comfortable. "That's like... four days from now. Let's just calm down, and-" But he fell asleep and started snoring before he could even finish. Katara agreed with her brother. They were here and ready. The best thing they could do now was get plenty of rest. The Avatar reluctantly assented and curled up on the grass. But as he still couldn't calm down, he had a rather weird and not so pleasant dream...
Strangely dressed, he burst into a cave with floating broken pillars and challenged a gigantic Fire Lord who was eating grapes in a fiery pit. The Fire Lord looked down on him and asked how he planned on bringing him down when he wasn't even wearing pants. Aang looked down, saw it was true, screamed, and quickly covered himself with a fuzzy white shield pulled out of thin air. As he was shaking with embarrassment, giant eyes appeared all around him before closing and disappearing back into the walls. The giant Fire Lord laughed as the child slowly backed out the door.
Aang woke up with a start, felt all around to make sure he WAS wearing pants, and then sighed with relief. It had been just a dream. But now that he was wide awake, he felt he better keep training. So he went to a bush and started kicking it.
In the Fire Nation palace, Zuko was being fawned over. A servant dressed him. Others offered him fresh fruit, a feet massage, a head massage... and tired of refusing them all, after a hesitation and a sigh, he accepted a hot towel, rubbed his face with it and placed it back on the plate. The servant bowed and smiled.
After a time, the palace gate opened and Zuko came out. He was greeted by a large crowd of admirers and giggling females. Well, there were always people here waiting to catch a glimpse of the royal family... even better if it was the handsome prince. A girl even had to be restrained by the guards. Even though it was different, being surrounded by so many people made him remember that festival in Ba Sing Se. He felt like he was back in those streets filled with people and stalls. Chenlian was dragging him around. She looked so radiant he felt his heart lifting and sheer happiness surging, rushing just by seeing her smile, having her hand in his... but then she disappeared. He looked for her. He grabbed someone's shoulder to ask if they had seen her, but from that shoulder, the person burst into flames. Horrified, Zuko recoiled and bumped into someone who also caught fire from the place he had touched. The flames spread and suddenly the whole city was nothing more than burning ruins. Although he couldn't see anyone, heart-wrenching cries of anguish and agony filled the air. Then through the flames he saw Chenlian looking at him with sorrow and disappointment, her face bathed in tears. He called her and tried to go to her but the wall of fire separating them was too hot for him to get close. He saw her mouth move, he saw her desperatly try to convey something to him but he couldn't hear her. She dropped on her knees and screamed at him, weeping even harder but he still couldn't hear her or cross that wall.
"You can't hear her, can you?" Linshen passed him by and stopped before the flames to disdainfully look back at him. "Of course you can't, since you never listened... to her words, or the cries of her heart... even though you kept claiming you loved her. Look! This is the truth. This is what you wanted. This is the path you chose. You don't love the people. You didn't love her. You love only yourself. You thought of her as a belonging, not as a girl who also needed your love and support, who needed you to believe in her, who needed you at her side just like you needed her. But I love her, I can hear her... and I am with her..." He crossed the flames, joined Chenlian, wrapped an arm around her back and talked in her ears. She closed her eyes and stood up. When her eyes opened again, they were full of determination. She extended her arm and all the flames gathered into a sword that she grasped. Linshen pressed against her back, his right arm against hers, and his right hand clasping hers that was around the sword. And then as if they were one person, they lunged and stabbed him.
The Fire Lord's son was startled back to reality when servants called him and approached him from behind. One asked if something was wrong for him. Zuko wiped the sweat off his face, recomposed himself and replied he was fine. The attendants were worried since he still didn't look too well and had not taken the palanquin. The prince remarked he was just going to Mai's house. It was not far. However, it was not a Prince's place to walk anywhere. So he took the palanquin to Mai's large residence... that was just across the yard. He had no energy to argue anyway. And he was still shaken by his day-nightmare.
Shirtless, and looking fierce, Aang was relentlessly punching a tree. The noise and vibrations woke the others up, although they were obviously still tired. Katara asked for how long he had been up.
"A couple hours. I got a lot more skills to refine if I'm going to fight Ozai." The boy circled the tree and hit it in various ways. But the waterbender didn't want him to overwork himself. "You don't get it, do you ?" This time he circled Katara and did a variety of air punches and defensive maneuvers. "My form is bad. I'm sloppy. And I still don't know any fire bending, not even the basics!" His eye twitched. The waterbender moved Aang's hand away from her face with a worried smile. "Chenlian, you MUST teach me firebending NOW!"
"Aang, firstly, there isn't nearly enough time to teach you even the basics; secondly, lack of sleep impairs judgement and abilities, and especially your precision; thirdly, it is wiser to make sure you have fully mastered the other three disciplines, rather than use something you just started and on which you have no control, and fourthly, fire is far too dangerous a tool to give to a ball of nerves who can't even understand all that. We can't have you hurting yourself, us, or our allies. So no, I won't teach you now." The firebender reasoned.
"That's okay Aang. The eclipse will block all firebending anyway, you don't need to know any." Sokka reminded him, his back on the grass, as he was studying a map.
"Okay, well, I still have to work on everything else. I'd better spend the whole day training." The Avatar bowed quickly toward everyone and then created an air ball and rode away on it. Sokka looked worried then hid his face behind the map. Toph though was bored and unconcerned.
Chenlian as always, spent her day alternating training, healing, meditation, and rest. The smell of the grass, the caress of the wind, the warmth of the sun, the beauty of the endless azure that connected the whole world... since her recent stay in prison, she had learned to enjoy them more. When she had been with Zuko, with all her might, she had wanted to shine for him, to dispel his darkness, to light his way... whenever she had felt that, her heart would have started beating faster. But now those beats only brought her pain. She could have chosen a different route. She had many occasions. There have been times when she had thought about it, like a passing fancy, a good joke. To throw everything away, to live according to her instincts, do as she liked without a care for anyone or anything, eat if she's hungry, rampage if she's hurt, scream if she's suffering, destroy all those who harmed her, that nation that abandoned her, those countries that rejected her... or just be with him. She could have been free. But that wasn't for her. She had chosen that path on her own. She had chosen that goal on her own. She had chosen those responsibilities on her own. Because she had chosen such a thorny road and was thus burdened, the efforts required to walk it were greater than many, but it exchange, she grew stronger with each step forward. That was her pride. To keep going, to seek and help those who grieved, those who fought. It was a fight to change everything. And those things, it wasn't for anyone but for herself, because she was also one who sought salvation.
It was the middle of the night when Aang returned to camp dead tired. When he loudly bid goodnight to every single member of the party, Toph got angry at him and told him to go to sleep already. He cringed and obeyed. This night too, he had about the same nightmare as the previous night, only this time he had brought pants (and all his fancy clothes were chained to him)... however, he had forgotten all about the mathematics test and he was crushed between the giant abacus beads. He woke up startled, sweat dripping from his brow, saying he'd got to be ready. And again, he started practicing. Katara woke up and told him to go back to sleep as it was still the middle of the night. Circling a group of Koala-Sheep this time, he replied he had forgotten his pants and maths test. The girl sighed, breathed in deeply, grabbed Aang's shoulders, and begged him to sleep... for her. She looked really tired, but he looked even worse with his dark bags under his bloodshot eyes. They returned to camp.
Zuko saw Chenlian running towards him, radiating happiness. Love and joy overwhelmed him as he caught her in his arms, twirled her, and held her as tightly as he could and she wrapped her arms around his neck. But then...
"Zuko... why...?" She said. He let her go and looked, horrified, at his hands red with blood from the wound on her back.
"No... I..." He stammered. The girl grew limp and fell down his side into water. He failed to catch her again. The surface vitrified and he could only helplessly watch her sink down into the darkness of the abyss. He desperately called her name and hit the glass but she still disappeared out of his sight, out of his reach. The Fire Nation prince woke up. His face was damp and his eyes were burning. His pillow was wet too. He had been crying in his sleep, as it had so often happened lately.
Zuko and Mai were sitting on an ornate couch in her house. He was on the far side, resting on the arm of the couch. Because he knew he was just using her as a substitute, he couldn't face her and kept turning away from her, but he also lacked the drive to say outright "It's over, sorry, but you're not the one I love." And he kept dragging things out even though it was crueller. Despite that, he just had to come here, he couldn't stay in that palace where he now felt out of place. Although he didn't love her, he still considered her a friend, and the only person here who truly thought about him, and he had nowhere else to go.
The main reason he kept fleeing the palace was Chenlian. Whenever he walked in those hallways, in that garden, day and night, Zuko kept seeing her. He'd recall being here with her as children, walking through those very same places, talking, smiling, training, playing around, she'd also comfort him... or more like he was walking through those memories rather than simply recalling them. Just being assailed by memories was one thing. But he had starting seeing her, the 'adult' her, walking past him, or turning corners, or spending time in the garden... and since she seemed so real, he would always chase after her... but of course he could never find her or catch her. It was like he was being haunted by her ghost. But Zuko knew... he kept seeing her because he missed her so much he couldn't bear it.
And he came over to Mai in order to escape from the disappointment he felt each time because he couldn't see or touch the real Chenlian. He needed a small respite. That was just the only place he could think of where he could spend time in relative peace without expectations or reproaches being placed on him, and without people's gaze telling him 'what have you done?' or 'what are you doing? Shape up already.' But after all, even here, he couldn't escape her, because he always kept her lotus hairpin on him. He had tried a number of times to throw it away, but letting go had proven impossible. He could not even leave it in a drawer! He would always be anxious about it and reach out for it to make sure it was still here! So he kept it on him, and would regularly find himself staring at it... like now.
Mai also stared at the ornament in Zuko's hand. Of course she was very sad about Chenlian. But even before her death, Mai had surprised Zuko gazing at the hairpin with a wistful expression a number of times. He wouldn't even notice her coming, and when she'd call out to him, he'd be all flustered and hide the object and look away from her. A man who always kept on him an important object belonging to his ex-woman and stared at it... was he truly over that woman?
Back then, as children, because he took his position as prince and his family's love for granted, all he wanted was to gain Chenlian's acknowledgement, that they could stand side by side as equals, that he could also support her like she supported him, that she would trust him and rely on him. But with everything she already had, there was nothing for him to give. He only had his status as prince. With it, he could obtain anything that she could want. And one day, he could give her the title of queen. He just knew she was worthy of it. She was made to be queen, a great queen, just as he was meant to become Fire Lord. It was their destiny. He was sure of it. But it was not enough. They couldn't just rule, they had to be good rulers. He was certain she'd be one, and he wanted to be worthy of her, he had to.
Then she had "betrayed" him, and soon after, he was exiled. He had lost everything. He had absolutely nothing, nothing but his uncle. And even though he should have been grateful of his presence, he treated him horribly. Unable to see what he had left, he could only see what he had lost. He wanted to regain everything. He wanted his father's love and acknowledgement. And he wanted his place on the throne. Chenlian came back into his life. Even though he resented her and tried to treat her as an enemy, he had been unable to suppress his love. He wanted her by his side after all. He needed her. If he had the throne, he could do something to welcome her back. But she didn't love the prince in him, she... just loved him. And she wanted to depose his father. But he still loved his father, and wanted to be loved by him. That was why he didn't want to believe her. Despite that, he still loved her and wanted her by his side. That was what he had always wanted. If only he could have her love, her trust, her acknowledgement. But it was no longer enough. So when he saw a chance, he sacrificed her. He had been so taken in by what was in front of him that he had lost sight of why he wanted it. That was because deep inside, he had taken her for granted, and thought that with time, she would come to understand, forgive, and accept. But she never did.
Chenlian had always said, in her childhood here or in Ba Sing Se, that she was fighting to make a bright future for everyone. She wanted peace and prosperity, not just for the Fire Nation, but the whole world. That was what she wanted more than anything. And she didn't believe that the Fire Lord could accomplish that. And travelling around the world with her, he had come to understand her point of view. She had forcefully expanded his horizon. But he had closed his eyes to it all. And even so, in order to do something about it if he wanted to, he still needed the position of Fire Lord to be able to move things, right? But his time here was not what he had thought. He had imagined that everything would be the same as before, like he had never left. But everything had changed. He was no longer a child. The family had broken apart. He had broken Chenlian, and now, he had lost her for good. Just what was it that he had left?
"Zuko, don't forget. This fight, this... this is what you wanted. So don't ever regret it." The prince clenched his fists and tightly shut his eyes, anguish carved on his face. He... didn't want that! He had never once wanted her to die! He had never thought or wanted things to turn out like this!
Zuko asked Mai what she'd want right now if she could have anything she wanted. She requested a big fancy fruit tart with rose petals on top. So he told the servants to go find one for her. That was much simpler than what Chenlian wanted. The servant said it was an excellent choice.
"I guess there are some perks that come with being royalty. Though, there is annoying stuff too, like that all-day war meeting coming up." Mai noted.
"War meeting ? What are you talking about ?" Zuko sat up, surprised, and turned to Mai who was just as surprised that he hadn't heard about it. Azula had mentioned something, and she had assumed that he would be going too. "I guess I wasn't invited." Disgruntled, the prince turned away and lowered his head. "You've sacrificed Iroh and me to get what you wanted. Not only us, but you also turned your back to the world, just to return to your father's side. This is the path you chose. No matter how difficult, painful or lonely it gets, endure it. If you don't want it to have been for nothing then you've got no choice but to charge ahead with all your might... You've already gone too far to simply turn back. I at least, certainly don't want to have gone through that for nothing..." What was he doing?! After everything he had sacrificed, his place at his father's side was all he had left!
This time, the Avatar dreamed he was being gently woken up by Fire Lord Ozai who was telling the 'sleepy-head' to 'rise and shine'... because Aang had overslept and missed the invasion. Then the evilly laughing Fire Lord found himself riding a flying hippo pig that breathed fire at Aang and flew away. The panicked monk bolted upright and violently shook Sokka awake.
"Sokka get up! I need to know what day it is!" Aang screamed, pulling various parts of his friend's face. Being treated so roughly, and feeling like he was being attacked Sokka jumped up and thrust forward with his sword... and hit a rock head-on before completing his swing. He fell back on his sleeping mat. Toph sat up and told him to relax. It was still two days before the invasion. Then Aang pulled on Sokka's arms and legs to pull him him up and insisted that he climbed a cliff because in one of his dreams, he was running from fire nation soldiers, trying to climb this cliff, but he was too slow and they got him. The nettled Water Tribe Warrior sprang up and retorted being a great climber. To prove his claim, Sokka was forced to really climb the cliff, as much as it annoyed him. Aang turned and saw Toph drinking water and yelled at her not to drink that. The startled earthbender spat the water all over Katara who, disgusted, waterbended herself dry. Toph asked if the water was poisoned or something. "In my dream, we were right in the middle of the invasion, and you had to stop to use the bathroom. We died because of your tiny bladder!" He accused before addressing Katara. "And you need to start wearing your hair up! In my dream, your hair got caught in a train, and-"
"Aang, I know you're just trying to help. But you really need to get a grip. You're unraveling." Katara worriedly cupped his cheek.
"You're right. I'm losing my mind." The boy admitted as Sokka who was nearly to the top of the cliff, slid down screaming.
"It's like every time I think about how stressed I am, I just end up more stressed. I'm like a big, growing snowball of nerves." The Avatar kept fidgeting and pacing back and forth while his companions were all absorbed in their own tasks.
"Of course you are. That's 'cause you've got to fight the Fire Lord, the baddest man on the planet. And you better win, or we're all done for." Sokka casually reasoned. He didn't seem to realize that he was rubbing salt on a wound, which made his sister told him off. Aang was already a nervous wreck, what good could it do to pressure him even more? "What? It's true. That's the deal, he knows it." He justified himself. Chenlian sighed. He might be right but even she understood that right now Aang needed some sugarcoating. He needed to be soothed, not pricked. Mental state could greatly affect one's performance... in good or in bad. Katara angrily shoved her brother down and approached Aang who was freaking out.
"You know what? I've got just the thing." The waterbender placed her arms around his shoulders, smiling. "Get ready to be 'destressified'." She took him a steaming crater that was actually a hot spring created by the three girls. With her earthbending, Toph had made a tall conic formation for intimacy and to keep the warmth inside, but still open for ventilation, and she had dug large round hole in the ground, big enough for a few people, and below that hole, a small underground cave. Katara had filled the hole with water. And in the underground cave, Chenlian had heated a cubic boulder enough to make a thick layer of half molten rock with a solid exterior that would cool slowly, and keep the water warm. Now the two were in their undergarments, stretching. "These yoga stretches can really work wonders if you do them in extreme heat. Reach up. Reach for the sun. Feel your chi paths clearing." Actually these yoga stretches had become a routine for Chenlian and Katara, not only for their health benefits; but also for some female bonding, they had made it up together, joining their healing knowledge. Katara really hoped to get closer to Chenlian this way, and now she hoped to help Aang too. The two bent over and touched their heads to the ground. "Now close your eyes. How are you feeling?"
"I feel... really warm... Like there's a warm feeling all around me. This heat... like I'm in the Fire Lord's palace, and he's shooting a bunch of fire balls at me... And the whole world is being engulfed in flames..." He became dizzy and rolled onto his back, tired and out of breath.
"Maybe your stress is the kind you need to talk out." She pondered.
"Why don't you get right down to business and tell me what's been bothering you." Sporting his 'Wang Fire' beard, his elbows propped up on a Koala-Sheep, Sokka took on the role of psychiatrist.
"You know what's bothering me. I have to fight the Fire Lord in a few days." Despite lying on the grass, his head on a fluffy koala-sheep pillow, Aang was rather disgruntled. Sokka asked him to tell him more about this, 'Fire Lord.' Why was he so afraid of him ? "You said it yourself. He's the baddest man on the planet. I'm supposed to defeat him and save the world."
"Life does feel that way some times, doesn't it ? Like we're all trying to save the world from evil." The psychotherapist nodded deeply in understanding. But Aang wanted to know how to feel better. The Water Tribe man suggested screaming into a pillow and presented his patient with a koala-sheep. Aang obeyed... to no effect.
Azula was sitting on a chair in the royal spa. Her long hair was flowing in a water channel as it was being combed. She was enjoying the (literally) royal treatment when her brother approached her, mentioning how he didn't seem to be welcomed in that big war meeting coming up as no one had bothered to tell him about it.
"Oh Zuko, don't be so dramatic. I'm certain dad wants you there. You probably weren't invited, because it's so obvious that you're supposed to be there."
"Well, were you invited?"
"Of course. I'm the Princess."
"And I'm the Prince!"
"Exactly, so stop acting like a paranoid child. Just go to the meeting."
"Forget it, I'm not going." Annoyed, Zuko left with that. Even though they were Prince and Princess, why had she been invited and not him? He should have been invited too! The fact that he wasn't just meant that he wasn't wanted here. "If you don't want it to have been for nothing then you've got no choice but to charge ahead with all your might... You've already gone too far to simply turn back. I at least, certainly don't want to have gone through that for nothing..." Really, what was he doing?! Shouldn't he be fighting for that place? After all he had done for his father's sake, if he still didn't accept him, wouldn't that mean all had been in vain, what he had done to his uncle, and Chenlian? But... if Ozai didn't do anything for his son after all his son had done for him, was he truly worth fighting for?
Aang was lying on a bed of pillar shaped rocks. According to Toph, he needed a good old fashioned back poundin' to relieve his stress. So she stomped her feet, causing the pillars to pummel him. But as it was just painful and it was bruising him, he begged to stop. She did and apologized for having forgotten that he had baby skin. She had another idea though... acupuncture. She sensed a porcupine that she sent flying in the air and fall into her hand from a nearby bush. She grinned ear to ear as it uncurled and seemed to double in size as the needles straightened. Terrified by the idea of having all those sharp pointy things planted in his body, the Avatar screamed and ran away.
It was night. Zuko was looking out an open window at the palace. Mai approached him from behind.
"Zuko, it's just a dumb meeting. Who cares ?"
"I don't." He lied to convince himself.
"Well good. You shouldn't. Why would you even want to go ? Just think about how things went to the last war meeting you went to." She was about to place her arms around him but he raised his arm, stopping her, and looked away.
"I know." The scarred prince sighed. Each time she touched him, he was reminded of Chenlian... that she wasn't Chenlian... that after all, he couldn't accept any girl other than Chenlian. And he just couldn't delude himself anymore.
"You know what will make you feel better? Ordering some servants around! I might be hungry for a whole tray of fruit tarts! And maybe a little palanquin ride around town... Double time!" She hid her hurt at his rejection and cheerfully attempted to distract him, kept trying to get his attention, make him look at her... but once more, Zuko turned away from her. She backed away, worried, and hung her head. Was it impossible for them after all? Time heal wounds, that might be so. But when Chenlian left, she took his heart with her. The edges might heal but it seemed that hole couldn't be filled by anyone but Chenlian.
This night, Aang was sitting in a foetal position and thanking everyone for everything.
Katara asked if he felt less stressed and ready for a good night sleep. He lied to make them feel better. The others seemed to believe it, unless they were just too tired themselves to even think. For them, Aang still tried to sleep, but he fell in another nightmare. He was flying on Appa through a huge storm with giant arms swinging at them. When he was caught, he suddenly found himself in front of the Fire Nation Palace, then inside. He saw Toph but when the wind blew her hair out of her face, she had no eyes, and she fell through the floor. He saw Sokka running running though a tunnel when earth tentacles caught him and despite his struggles, swallowed him up. He saw a scared Katara backing off and being surrounded by flames. Aang attempted to save her but was bound at his feet by ice. The ice crawled up his whole body leaving him frozen. He was now standing on an ice cliff. A large fire in the shape of the fire lord loomed over him, cackling madly, evilly. The ice melted and he fell in the abyss, into water. He swam upwards but was trapped under ice. He pounded at the ice but recoiled when something fell on the ice above. The boy was shocked to see Chenlian's body. Her eyes were lifeless, and a red liquid seeped into the water around him, dyeing it. Above her fallen body stood Prince Zuko in his former appearance from when they had first met. Sozin's comet flew by behind him. The Avatar suddenly found himself overlooking a beautiful valley. The comet hit it, there was an explosion of light, and then nothing but black scorched earth veined with lava, fire, and a black and red cloudy sky. Aang woke up screaming, startling everything awake. Worried, they rushed to him. The nightmares were getting worse and worse. Sokka thought it was time for another therapy session.
"No, that won't help! Nothing helps! There's only one thing I can do. I'm going to stay awake straight through to the invasion." He twitched. Although the siblings were shocked (Sokka's beard even fell off), Toph seemed to find this amusing.
The sun had just risen above the ocean. Katara was stretching on a cliff facing. Aang stumbled like a zombie saying 'All aboard for the invasion'. Worried, the girl approached and suggested that he took a little nap since he didn't look so good. But as he had already told her, he couldn't go back to sleep.
"Aang, staying up can't be good for you."
"Actually staying up all night has given me some time to think. And I've realized some big things Katara."
"What big things ?"
"I see everything so clearly now... what really matters, why I'm really doing this. I'm doing it to save the world, but more than that. I'm doing it for the people I love... I'm doing it for you Katara."
"Aang, what are you saying ?"
"I'm saying... I love you." The boy finally confessed and kissed Katara after months of secret and unrequited love. The Water Tribe girl looked shocked at first, then smiled and kissed Aang back, throwing her arms around him. They pulled apart after a time but still remained in each other's arms.
"What are we doing?"
"What our hearts have been telling us to do for a long, long time. Baby, you're my forever girl." He swung her onto her back and was going to kiss her again when he heard her voice call his name. He opened his eyes again, and while he was in the same position, Katara was actually standing away from him. "Huh?"
"I was just saying you should take a nap."
"Oh, I guess I kinda drifted off into a day-dream." He straightened up and sheepishly justified his strange behaviour. She innocently asked what his dream had been about. "Uhh, living under water...?" He lied with an embarrassed expression. When she smiled, said it sounded neat, and left, he let out a relieved sigh.
"So you do know that it's still too early for that. I commend you for your presence of mind." Chenlian comfortingly patted his head.
"Yeah... thanks..." The child sighed dejectedly this time. "Do you think the right time will come for Katara and me?"
"I'm sure it will. Maybe once the war is over. But it might be good to shake her up just a bit soon, let her know your feelings, observe her reaction, but not expect anything yet. However, I don't think you should rush things. When you get impatient and rush, the person usually takes the opposite road of what you wanted. That sort of thing... is really difficult... In any case, I'm rooting for you." The mahogany-haired girl walked away. "That said, your pose was too suspicious and I expected a better lie from you." She taunted.
Zuko was back in Mai's house, sitting on a couch, away from Mai, his head and arms resting on the arm of the couch, like he was doing his best to avoid looking at the palace in front. He had quite a sour expression. She was pouring him tea when a messenger entered and bowed. Prince Zuko's presence was requested at the meeting, everyone was waiting for him. The teens stood up and walked to him. The high admirals, high generals, the war ministers, and the princess had all arrived. The prince was the only person missing.
"So, my dad wants me at the meeting?" Zuko spoke hopefully, while still sounding afraid to believe .
"The Fire Lord said he would not start until you arrived, sir." The messenger confirmed, and the two smiled.
Aang resumed training, this time facing a doodle of Ozai stuck against the trunk of a dead tree. Untypically of him though, all his air kicks missed. One knocked Sokka down. Of course, the Water Tribe warrior got angry at him, especially since he had been making armor for Appa. The Avatar ignored him and continued battling his enemy, and although his attacks packed some power, all of them missed again. And he drifted again into a daydream. Or he was just so tired he was having hallucinations. He started hearing Momo talk like a human, and Appa too. The bison was standing on its hind legs. They were also giving him advice and being worried about him. Suddenly, the animals were dressed like samurais and fighting with swords and being cheered on by a crowd of Koala-Sheep. And Aang couldn't stop them. What more... A multi-armed Guru Pathik floated down on a cloud, playing music and talking about yummy chakra sandwiches, snakes made up of lines of rocks came slithering and started dancing, the dead trunk assumed a more humanoid form and started dancing too and punching the air... this was more than he could bear. He ran off yelling he needed to jump in a cold waterfall.
As Zuko was heading to the meeting, servants helped him don and tighten his armor. It was what he had dreamed about and wanted for so many years. His father had really accepted him back after all. That was all he had left, his position as Crown Prince, and his father's acknowledgement. He could still do it. He pulled the curtains apart and entered the throne room. A map of the Earth Kingdom was spread out on a table with generals seated around it.
"Welcome, Prince Zuko. We waited for you." The Fire Lord greeted him and gestured to his son to take his seat at his right side. Zuko climbed the stairs and bowed before sitting down. "General Shinu, your report."
"Thank you, sir." The general bowed and stood up. "Ba Sing Se is still under our control. However, earthbender rebellions have prevented us from achieving total victory in the Earth Kingdom." He paced to the end of the table. Ozai asked what his recommendation was. "Our army is spread too thin but once the eclipse is over and the invasion defeated, we should transfer more domestic forces into the Earth Kingdom." The officer gave his opinion. As the Fire Lord was not entirely convinced, he turned to his son.
"Hmm... Prince Zuko, you've been among the Earth Kingdom commoners. Do you think that adding more troops will stop these rebellions ?"
"The people of the Earth Kingdom are proud and strong. They can endure anything as long as they have hope." The prince replied.
"Yes, you're right... We need to destroy their hope." Ozai looked away with an evil and murderous expression.
"Well, that's not exactly what I..." Zuko began. There was no need to go that far, right?
"I think you should take their precious hope and the rest of their land and burn it all to the ground." Azula interrupted fiercely, crossing her arms and smiling at her own brilliant suggestion.
"Yes... Yes, you're right, Azula." The sovereign smiled even more cruelly, making his daughter smile too that her plan had met such approval from him. Ozai got up and walked to the table. "Sozin's Comet is almost upon us and on that day it will endow us with the strength and power of a hundred Suns. No bender will stand a chance against us. When the comet last came, my grandfather, Fire Lord Sozin, used it to wipe out the Air Nomads. Now, I will use its power to end the Earth Kingdom... permanently." He was grinning ear to ear, failing to notice the shock and horror on his son's face at this revelation. "From our airships, we will rain fire over their lands. A fire that will destroy everything." Ozai walked across the map. "And out of the ashes, a New World will be born! A World in which all the lands are Fire Nation and I am the supreme ruler of everything!" The Fire Lord opened his arms and raised them high, as if to grasp this whole world and even the heavens in his hands. The generals burst into applause. But Zuko balled his fists and hung his head.
"Last time the comet passed marked the genocide of the airbenders by your ancestor Sozin. For having spent time in the Earth Kingdom you know its inhabitants won't go down until there's nothing left for them to protect. And then all that would be left to do was to finish off the Northern Water Tribe."
"But as someone who's in a position to rule a country, you should know that's not enough, right? A ruler must think of the people before his own happiness. You don't have the right to be selfish. Enough people died on both sides. But mark my words, your father WILL use Sozin's comet to burn the Earth Kingdom to the ground. Your father and sister won't stop until the other side is completely annihilated and there's nothing left. You know they won't. Their ambition won't let them."
"Do you really think your father is always right? Do you really think this war is justified? Do people become traitors for speaking the truth? Do they become traitors for speaking against injustice? Was I wrong to refuse to become a tool for mass slaughter? I have never betrayed the Fire Nation, only the Fire Lord... because he has betrayed his own people by trying to ruin this world. Sharing the greatness of the Fire Nation? Just where was the need for that? Just how many of our people have died for that? How many have lost their family? Don't the other civilizations have the right to live in peace? Haven't you seen anything? Haven't you heard their screams and their resentment? A king's power is meant to protect, not to destroy. If you ignore them, then you have no right to be king. Can't you believe my words? Then what is it that you believe in and fight for? Is it the medals, your father's orders? If that is true, I will once again become your enemy. If I am your enemy, would you kill me, just like you condemned all those people, Crown Prince of the Fire Nation, Zuko?"
Chenlian had been right from the start... She never lied to him. She faced him. She bared her heart to him. She believed in him. And yet... Why did he not take her hand back then? If only he had taken her hand... The boy gritted his teeth.
The war meeting ended. Zuko was about to leave when his father stopped him. Ozai praised him for his input. His information was going to prove useful. And it was all possible thanks to his greatest achievement, his victory over the Avatar and Chenlian. And he also admitted having doubted that Zuko could defeat Chenlian. She was really strong after all.
"I... broke her... completely." The teen replied looking down so his father couldn't see the guilt eating him. The Fire Lord laughed.
"I see, I see... I had received a worrisome report from your sister about your relationship with that traitor but you had actually seduced Chenlian to weaken her and destroy her in the end. Now that was clever. So you've finally learned your lesson. You have to do whatever it takes to win. Weakness is a sin. Chenlian lost and died because her heart was weak. Although she possessed incredible abilities, because of her soft-heartedness, her fate was just to be used by us. It's unfortunate we couldn't make full use of those abilities of hers though. In any case, I am proud of you, my son." Ozai placed a hand on his child's shoulder and walked away. But even though hearing those words should have been the prince's greatest pride and joy, they just filled him with incommensurable shame. Zuko clenched his fists, unable to voice what he was screaming in his head and heart, that he had never thought of Chenlian this way or really wanted for things to end like they did between them, that Chenlian was truly strong, that she was not a tool but the woman he loved, that compassion was not a weakness, and weakness was not a sin... and how much he regretted having betrayed her and hurt her like this, that this pain and guilt were gradually but inexorably, burning, corroding, consuming him like some powerful acid.
Zuko exited the room too. A few men and women were chatting at the entrance, Azula among them. Mai was leaning on a pillar. When the prince passed her by, she joined him and asked how it had gone.
"When I got to the meeting, everyone welcomed me. My father had saved me a seat. He wanted me next to him. I was literally at his right hand."
"Zuko, that's wonderful. You must be happy ." The girl grabbed onto him, sincerely rejoicing for him since she knew how much this had been important to him. The two paused at the end of the hallway and looked up at the huge ornate picture of Ozai.
"During the meeting, I was the perfect prince. The son my father wanted. But I wasn't me." He hung his head. During this meeting, he had also understood that Ozai wasn't actually thinking of the Fire Nation, he only wanted more power to himself, he just wanted to be 'the supreme ruler of everything' and didn't actually care about anything else. Mai worriedly gazed at him.
"Now you must be prepared to have the lives of thousands, tens of thousands people on your conscience...But if you don't want that, if you can't bear that, if you're different from them... Zuko, won't you take my hand?"
"Idon't want to think that the man I fell in love with is one who could actually bear for so many people to be sacrificed for his own sake. I want to believe the true you to be kind, and meant to be a righteous ruler who helps and protects not only the Fire Nation, but also the world as one of its citizens."
"But... Chenlian knew from the start... Only she knew who I was... who I truly am... I'd told her she had loved an idealized version of me she had pushed onto me... but it seems she had been right after all... Or maybe I just want to be the man she had fallen in love with?" Pain was breaking Zuko's voice and distorting his features even as he was smiling in self-derision. Even though she was no longer there, what was he trying to accomplish this late? Who was he trying to kid? The irony and hypocrisy were too much to laugh. He placed his fist on his chest.
"You've sacrificed Iroh and me to get what you wanted. Not only us, but you also turned your back to the world, just to return to your father's side. This is the path you chose. No matter how difficult, painful or lonely it gets, endure it. Don't think a person who chose this road can easily rely on others. If you don't want it to have been for nothing then you've got no choice but to charge ahead with all your might... you can't be half-assed about it. You've already gone too far to simply turn back. I at least, certainly don't want to have gone through that for nothing... So prove to yourself and to everyone that the path you took that day was the right one."
And he had endured. He had tried, he had done his best to hold on. Only after coming this far, he realized that this path was a deadend, that his goal, this image of the ideal, perfect life that he had been chasing all this time, that he thought he had finally reached... was actually nothing but a mirage. The path had crumbled. Everything had crumbled like sand slipping through his fingers. Although there were signs and suspicions, he chose ignore them and lived like a blind man until then. This illusion had completely blinded him to everything and everyone around him... the faults of his family, including himself, what was happening in this world... as well as his uncle... and Chenlian. Who he truly was, what he truly wanted, who he truly loved, who truly loved him back, what he should be doing... he had lost sight of it all. But Chenlian knew everything, and tried to make him see, to stop him from going down this path, but he had shaken her off.
"Do you even know what you're doing?! Will you really break everything for that?! Do you really think that's worth all the sacrifices?!"
"It's the only way!"
The only way to what?! Everything he had fought for and wanted to obtain, the pillars that supported him... it was all gone. His mother had disappeared. Chenlian was dead, he had shattered her with his own hands... and for what?! He couldn't be with his father after all... he couldn't follow him down that path... And he couldn't be with Mai either... He just couldn't hold on anymore.
"Mai, sorry. I can't go on like this. I... I can't do it anymore." And he left, signaling for her to leave him alone.
Chenlian took Aang away from the group. Once she was sure they were entirely alone, she turned to him.
"Aang, won't you let me face the Fire Lord?"
"What?!"
"You're so scared you're losing your mind and sleep. Frankly, the way you are now, you'll be useless, it'll be instant death. That man isn't an opponent you can face if you're not in your top condition. If you don't have a cool head, you won't be able to properly assess the situation and see every problem or opportunity that could arise. And after Ba Sing Se, I don't want to let you face those people again. I don't want something to happen to you. So it's fine if you're scared, it's fine if you want to run away. I'll protect you, I'll fight in your stead, so-"
"No, no, no, no, NO! Don't say that, Chenlian! You can't say that! I can't run away anymore, I won't! Because I know... what I felt after running away those times... I don't want to have to feel that ever again... That's why I'll fight. I have to. And I don't want to let you take the fall for me ever again either. I want to protect you too! I won't let you fight MY fights!" The Avatar grabbed his friend's shoulders. How he had felt after learning what had happened to his people and to the world after he had run away a hundred years ago, how he had felt after that old fisherman had accused him, and after his failure at Ba Sing Se... He just couldn't bear it. And when he thought of the consequences... he just couldn't let it happen again.
"Alright..." Chenlian sighed. Then she made him sit on his shins, and she did the same, facing him. "Then I'll test your determination. I think you have strength, but you need to be able to use it properly. You can't lose emotionally. Until I say it's alright, I'll have you hold my gaze without looking away. You'll see the point once you've managed to clear this task." She instructed. At first, Aang doubted her, it sounded like a waste of time to him... but he knew that Chenlian hated wasting time, so he decided to go along. In the beginning, he couldn't do it at all. His eyes always ended up darting around after a time. He couldn't sit still. She took his hands and told him to stay with her. So he tried to focus only on her. Her unwavering amber eyes were looking straight at him, like she could see his soul. But... he wasn't scared. If it was her, he could show her everything, even the ugliest parts of him, she'd still accept him. And looking into her eyes, he recalled their meeting, and all their time together. He really loved Chenlian after all. Not romantically of course, but in a different way, she was as important to him as Katara was. She was much more than a friend or a sister but nothing like a lover. He couldn't describe it but he could tell that this bond was etched deeply, eternally into his soul. The boy squeezed her hands. Now, he could see her faith in him. And slowly, from her eyes, from her hands, her calm and strength flowed into him. Time passed. His breathing and heartbeat grew steadier.
Then, Chenlian smiled, and said it was over. Aang snapped out of it. It was night. Hours had passed without his noticing, just staring into her eyes. Then, she took him to the cliff where mist engulfed them. He saw a bed of rock padded by something large and fluffy and approached it. He thoroughly tested the fluffiness, and turned to Chenlian. She smiled and confirmed it was NOT another hallucination, an imaginary bed made out of clouds. Their friends standing nearby and observing him also assured him it was real. They had spent hours working on it, for him (after shaving several poor Koala-sheeps). A good night sleep should take the crazy away. However, the Avatar still wasn't so sure. "Listen to me." The Water Tribe girl grabbed Aang's shoulders. "You've been training for this since the day we've met. I've seen your progress. You're smart, brave, and strong enough." She reassured him in all sincerity. He asked if she really thought so, though he was the one doubting himself. Sokka said they all thought so, they all believed in him, that he was ready. And finally, their words and feelings reached him and moved his heart through the opening Chenlian had made. He thanked them, yawned, and was moved onto the wool bed.
"You know what? I think I am ready." Just a few seconds later, he was already sleeping. He dreamed of the Crystal Catacombs under Ba Sing Se, and that he saw Chenlian being shot down by Azula's lightning just like he had been. He saw the royal siblings looming over her body, and woke up with a start. He was really worried about her after all, and still felt guilty for having left her alone. The firebender came to check on him and saw him still awake and breathing hard. She sighed and sat down next him and asked him what was wrong. The boy was holding his head. "I'm still scared after all... but... for you... I just keep seeing you die because of them... I..." He stammered. Suddenly, Chenlian took him in her arms, his head, his ear above her chest.
"Can you hear my heartbeat?" She questioned. Blushing he felt his head on fire, he muttered a 'yes'. "That means I'm alive. They couldn't kill me. Is it strong and steady?" She continued. Again, he muttered his assent. "That means I'm all fine and healthy. I'll be fine, Aang. If you can't sleep then focus on the sound of my heartbeat, feel it resonate, synchronize your own breathing and heartbeat with mine." She gently told him. Aang hugged her back and did as told. And soon, he fell into a deep, peaceful, recuperative sleep interrupted by a single dream. He was facing Ozai in the cave, and the Fire Lord looked down on him for trying to take him when he wasn't even wearing pants. But this time, Aang smirked and told Ozai that HE was the one not wearing pants. And Ozai screamed and covered his 'royal parts' when he saw it was true.
Zuko was lost in the darkness. Desperately he kept searching... when he suddenly saw a light and ran to it. As he came close there was a blinding light and he saw Chenlian's back. He ran as hard as he could, yearning so much for her he felt like his heart was going to jump out of his chest and fly at her... and he finally caught her. He held her with all his strength and heart and kept apologizing for what he had done, how much he regretted, and repeating how much he loved her and wanted to be with her, that it really couldn't be anyone but her.
"Is that really what you want? Won't you regret it?" She asked timidly. He assured her that he could never regret it, that what he regretted was not choosing her back then. He really loved her and wanted to be with her. She smiled sadly and knowingly. "No, Zuko. This..." She suddenly collapsed in his arms sounding in great pain. Filled with fear, he helped her down. He was on his knees holding her to him. "This... is what you wanted..." And she turned into ashes, crumbling into a pile that was blown by the wind... he reached out in horror and despair, vainly trying to grab the ashes... Then he wished so strongly to be with her that his heart also started turning to ashes. The process spread to his chest and whole body and he was blown by the wind... But he had no regret, and was even satisfied.
Author's note: next chapter will be 'The invasion'.