Sunshine and Lemons part II

Liam

I pulled over and sighed. I was scouting out an area for Intelligence. I had been loaned to them last week and jumped at the chance as I got to go undercover, albeit briefly, but it was better than nothing. I'm sure Kyle had something to do with it—or everything to do with it. He was attempting to keep an eye on me, but the massive amount of responsibility he had to deal with kept him directly off my back for the most part. Now I was checking out an area for someone, and I had already been told that someone wasn't going to be me, will set up shop as a meth-head to find the rungs of the ladder to the top dealer and distributor. I knew the neighborhood as it wasn't far from an area I had previously worked, which is the excuse they are using as to why I cannot commandeer this project myself. But I knew the real reason was because I hadn't been all that stable after a few difficult cases. I understood the reason why, I just didn't like it. I couldn't understand, much less explain why I was making such poor decisions. It felt like a shadow was following me and I was doing my best to let it catch up.

The neighborhood was rough, not just on the edges but everywhere. It was full of condemned and boarded up buildings that made for an eyesore and haven for the homeless as well as spots for the aforementioned meth-heads to camp out and get high nonstop. The street I was now looking at was weary and worn out, as if it had given up as the foundation crumbled around it and I knew exactly how it felt. This was not an area that the Chamber of Commerce would boast about or put in the annual visitors magazine that is full of smiling faces, tree-lined streets, cloudless skies and a perfection that doesn't truly exist. Last month I had been walking into the small store on the corner when the owner was yelling at a kid to come back, then he turned his shouting to me, demanding that I stop him as he was stealing. I grabbed the boy and swung him back into the store to find a pack of bologna and hamburger buns under his already too small shirt.

"See, he's a policeman," the owner stated taking in my gun and badge, both clipped to my belt. "He's going to arrest you," he threatened.

I hated it when people used the police as tools of punishment. I mean, I get it, we are law enforcement, but we don't want kids to fear us or believe that are only desire is to put them in jail. It makes it very hard to form relationships that way. The poor kid looked up at me with tears in his eyes and began to beg me not to arrest him until he was sobbing so hard he could no longer talk.

I still hung onto his arm as I know how quick these kids were if you gave them an inch, but I squatted down to get on his level and only saw a terrified child. "What's your name?"

"Marcus," he snuffled.

"Where are your parents?" He shrugged but I knew he was covering up something. "Well, let's put the bologna back, because it's gross," I said handing both of the procured items back to the owner who looked at me with disappointment that I wasn't hauling this pint sized thief to the big house.

We went through the store and picked out some baby carrots, fruit, whole wheat bread and some peanut butter and jelly. I had him take the items up front and then followed with some bottled water and six pack of juice boxes. The owner gave me the evil eye as he rang everything up, shaking his head, but gladly took my money.

"So, where are we taking this stuff?" I asked Marcus.

"I can carry it," he said already struggling with the one bag. One of the reasons I bought the water and juice was not only for hydration but for the fact that he wouldn't be able to carry everything by himself. I needed to know what kind of situation this kid was in.

"I think I had better help you," I offered. I could tell he was torn, but really wanted to come home toting all these goodies. He stood for a moment, chewing on his lip as I often did as a child while I contemplated telling my father all or just some of the truth.

In the end he just said I could follow him if I wanted, so I did and he led me to an abandoned building a block away with scorch marks running up and down indicating a fire had happened at some point. There was board that had been worked free so someone could slide it up and out of the way. We made our way inside to some stairs that we took downwards, where I found his mother near a lantern bouncing an infant on her knee while a little girl who was around four was doing the same with a rag doll. I tried not to gasp too loudly, but I must have made some kind of noise as the mother immediately looked right at me.

"You brought the cops here?" She asked, as apparently my badge caught the light emanating from the lantern.

"He didn't take me to jail, he bought us this," Marcus said showing her the food. "It's good stuff he said."

She looked at me warily and I suspected that she suspected I was after something or was preparing some type of ultimatum. I'm sure she didn't have much faith or trust in the Chicago Police Department and its representatives.

So I explained to Marcus' mother what had happened and she ensured me that she would pay me back, which I wasn't the least bit interested in, but I told her instead of that I would like to see her and the kids in a shelter. But she had refused, telling me that her husband had lost his job, but had recently found something part time and was getting more hours. Soon they would have enough for an apartment. They were too proud to seek help from the city or anyone else.

I explained that the building wasn't safe, there had been a fire earlier in the year and it was on a corner where a bus had hit it two months earlier while avoiding a junkie who had wandered into the street. I had wondered if he was as weary and exhausted as the neighborhood and if he had merely stumbled into the street in his state of confusion. Had he had wondered what had gone so very wrong in his life and how he no longer fit in the world that surrounded him. If he realized his future was bleak and there was just no place left for him. Or maybe it was just an accident, well a near accident. But now there were stickers on the front of the building that had taken the hit, stating it had been condemned and occupancy was prohibited.

I could have forced her out, after all she was trespassing, but it wouldn't have been easy, and her husband, who was at work wouldn't have known where to find her. They were desperately trying to survive without assistance and in their own way. So, I've checked on them weekly, each time trying to persuade them to leave, each time my efforts were denied. I've gave Marcus a burner phone in which he could reach me or call 911 if needed. I also gave them gift cards for the store two blocks the other direction, where Marcus hadn't pissed off the owner as well as a couple of blankets I had no use for. Now, I sit and stare at the building, willing them to move on and feeling my heart break that life isn't better for them.

I was so lost in thought I hadn't even heard Kyle until he hopped in the passenger side of my car. "Dude, you need to answer your phone," he said.

"Sorry, it was on silent," I told him after I looked at it.

"Is that a good spot to hang out and set up shop?" He asked as he nodded towards the supposedly abandoned building.

"No, probably down the street," I tell him. "I need to keep looking."

"Isn't that the place that was hit by the bus, kind of shaky in the foundation, it looks like." He says studying the decaying building.

"Yeah," I agree as I look at the ever expanding cracks. "From the scorch marks the fire was in the front of the building."

"I think they are knocking that place down a half a block over. I saw that huge wrecking ball thing. My dad used to tell me that I was a human form of one," Kyle said laughing. "I'm going down the block that way, you go that way and we'll meet back here."

"I can do this by myself," I argue knowing he had just drastically shortened my leash.

"I know, but this way will be faster."

I knew it would be faster, but I also knew he had better things to do than babysit me and that is exactly what he was doing. I headed one way and he the other, yelling for me to stay out of the building on the corner; the perpetual boss and big brother.

I did my due diligence, scouting out spots, finding a few possibilities when the wrecking ball down the street began to hit it's target and I could feel the vibrations under my feet. If it wasn't for Kyle I would have checked on Marcus and his family, but I really wasn't in a position to push my luck with the bosses. I walked down to the corner, Marcus' makeshift home next to me and saw Kyle pop into view down the street when I saw some dirt just sort of appear at the base of the building, then the vibrations I had been feeling got stronger and bricks began to bend and break and all I could think of was that family. I ran to the boarded up window on the side and ripped the plywood off with minimal effort as my adrenaline was on overdrive. I could hear Kyle screaming at me to get back to stand down but I didn't care, he didn't know there were people in there. I crawled through the opening and heard a crack and then my world went dark.

Kyle

I saw Liam disappear into the building just as it crashed down. I didn't know what he was doing or thinking. I watched in horror as the bricks collapsed onto each other, sending up dust and debris onto the sidewalk. I pulled my phone out and immediately called in for emergency crews and to get the city to stop the destruction a block over. I was shaking so badly I could barely begin to pull the rubble away, knowing it was useless anyway, there was no way Liam could have survived this. From the set up, I guessed there were steps going down to the basement next to this window which is why the plywood had been loose. People could enter, go down or up the stairs at a location that didn't seem like it led anywhere. Why the hell had he done this? I had no idea how long I had been at it, my fingers were bloody and raw, time stood still, nothing around me moved, time had stopped. Suddenly I was being pulled backwards, told to let go, stand down, the same words that Liam had ignored. Oh, why wouldn't he listen to me? I knew he had been struggling, is this what he wanted? Did he want to die? I looked up to see my father standing there, his game face on, his expression saying that he already knew who was inside.

I was pulled further away from the action, my legs were flailing and I was screaming, though I felt and heard nothing. The chasm that had opened up within me, was threatening to swallow me whole. I heard they were going to try and get in touch with Jay, but I begged them not to; not until we knew more, not that things would change. A crowd was forming and officers were keeping them back. I couldn't sit still so I began to pace, stretching out my route with each pass, tears staining my face. Suddenly I heard some noise and saw a firefighter from another house come out with a little girl, it was clear even from my vantage point that she didn't survive. Had Liam known she was in there? Several minutes later another body, that of a boy, grade school age. Liam must have heard them cry out as the building began to collapse, that was the only reason he would have gone inside. He died a hero—as the words sat on my lips I realized that I would never see him again—that he was gone forever, dead and broken at the bottom of a heap of bricks. Was this what he wanted? Was this what his erratic behavior about, a means to an end? I began to sob uncontrollably as I found my way at the back of the building. I found a spot and just sort of collapsed. What had those kids been doing in there? Why hadn't Liam called for help instead of just diving in there? My head was swimming with unanswerable questions, my eyes were blurred by tears. I would have to be the one to tell Jay—it would fall on me and I didn't think I could do it. Liam's death would kill him, no way he would survive it. His mother hadn't been back long, the twins—how would any of them endure his loss. But more and more people were showing up and it would just be a matter of time before rumors began to fly and the man deserved better than that. I pulled my phone out and just stared at it, eventually bringing up Jay's name my fingers trembling so badly it made the effort nearly impossible. I wasn't sure what to say, I guess I would just tell him to head this way as I didn't know anything yet and we didn't have a body. But when I tried to push the icon to make the call, I just couldn't do it.

The tears were still making their way down my face as I sat on the ground at the back of the building feeling so empty. We had been friends since he was six, but we really got close after Jay had been shot. I was thirteen, he was only ten, but I thought he was a pretty cool kid. When I had a project about Scandinavia and Vikings, and wanted to include a short video, I knew just the blond I could ask to help. And help he did. He did everything I asked of him, including running into a snow bank without a shirt on. Despite myself, I chuckled a little at the memory. He was my best friend and pseudo little brother and he was gone. The pain got stuck in my throat and I couldn't breathe, I couldn't imagine a future without him in it. I could see his face, just as if it was one of those slow motion tributes you see on TV. His vibrant blue eyes, that somehow showed everything good, even if it wasn't true. The smile, that didn't particularly light up a room, but made you believe everything would be okay. But it wasn't going to be okay, because somewhere not far from me lay his crumpled and broken body. Was he so broken on the inside that he felt he needed to match it on the outside?

I had been so focused on my thoughts that I had barely heard the grunt and expletive coming from the building. I jumped up and ran over and saw a figure near the back window, where the boards had been knocked askew with the collapse. All I could see was dust and wasn't sure if anyone was really there or if it was just wishful thinking—my mind running away from me. I heard a cough and a gasp and another cough. I knocked the board away and peered inside and what I saw made me call out at the top of my lungs. I was knocked backwards as my father and Kelly and others began to go to work. The building continued to creak and groan, unhappy with how its day had gone. I kept getting pushed back as the fire fighters worked, but worked my way forward until I saw Liam being pulled out of the rubble. The paramedics descended as if they had fallen out of the sky and began to pull out tiny flashlights that they flashed in his eyes and asked him questions at a rapid pace as they began to poke him with needles.

He complained and pushed them away, stating he was just fine. He wasn't fine, we both knew that. But his eyes were clear, his coordination seemed fine and he stood up on his own. He began to pat his clothing, sending dust into the air.

"What the hell dude!" I yelled at him as he swatted away more dirt from his shirt.

"I knew there were people in there," he managed to say as the two paramedics continue to look him over, barking at him not to move, while he was completely ignoring them.

"How?" I asked and Liam began to tell me of the family he had come to know.

"I saw them, broken, the baby," he said, making little sense, as swallowed a sob.

"How did you survive?"

"Just as I got in and on the stairs the whole thing came down. I tipped off the stairs, they were metal, industrial type, they fell over me like a tent. They were broken, but held the debris off of me. I tried to make my way over to the area to where I knew the family had been staying, but I couldn't get to them. The worst damage was up front, where they slept. I knew they didn't make it."

"But you didn't call out for help?"

"I couldn't see the mother, I thought maybe she had been in the back. I knew she wouldn't be far. I knew she wouldn't leave them. I thought maybe I could save her, but then I realized that even if I could save her—she wouldn't want to live without her family. By that time I was near the back and there was enough debris that I could climb to the window."

"Does this hurt?" The paramedic asked as she palpated his torso.

"Yes," Liam replied at the bruise already forming on his abdomen. "But not that badly. Look, I'm okay," he said following the light with this eyes that the second paramedic was using. "Just a little banged up."

"A little or a lot, you probably have internal bleeding, a concussion, you need to go to the hospital and get checked out," she said.

"I will. I'm going home, changing my clothes, then I will go right to the hospital," Liam promised.

"Like hell you will. You'll get in the damn ambulance right now," I said firmly.

"I'm not leaving my car in this neighborhood," he replied.

"I'll follow you then."

"I'm fine brother," he said a little too casually.

"Like hell you are. You are anything but fine," I began to yell as we both stood up and the paramedics packed up and left. "You have been erratic and unstable for weeks now. I gave you a direct order, I told you to stand down and you refused. I could write you up for insubordination, how do you think that would go over after your little stunts from last month? I gave you an opportunity to taste undercover work again and this is how you repay me!" I bark, my voice firm, and my anger not very well disguised. Now that he was standing before me I was pissed—pissed that he made me think that he was dead, that I was going to have to tell his father that—that I had lost my best friend. Now all that angst was rolling off my tongue in a tidal wave. But to his credit, Liam just stood there and took it. He had the sense to look contrite and wait until I ran out of words.

"I get it, you knew there were people in there, but you knew before you pulled that board off that it was too late."

"That's why I had to do it. I knew they were there, I knew it was unsafe and I was more afraid of getting into trouble than going down there and forcing her out. I should have made them leave weeks ago, but I didn't. I should have told you they were there when you came, but I didn't do that either."

"They just would have returned if you made them leave before."

"But today, I could have made them and they wouldn't be dead," he said, an odd edge to his voice.

"And you'd be dead," I proclaimed. "You'd be dead too."

"They were kids, just kids."

"I know," I told him. "I know." Liam would take this hard, he always did. I would worry more if he didn't.

I was walking him to his car when I was called back to the building and when I finished my conversation he was gone.

Liam

I knew I would pay dearly for ditching Kyle, it was totally and completely the wrong thing to do. I basically disobeyed another direct order. But I just couldn't stand there any longer and watch the bodies come out from the rubble. I looked over to see Kyle cross the street just as the mother's mangled body found daylight. I knew she wouldn't have left them. She would have stayed with her children. I had to go before I completely lost it.

I drove to my place and found some clean clothes in a laundry basket that sat in my small laundry/mudroom. With effort I took my t-shirt off, leaving a cloud of dirt and dust in the air. Now that the adrenaline had worn off, I felt stiff and the bruising was beginning to show itself. My chest, and my abdomen were turning purple and my ribs were killing me. I found my looser fitting jeans and slipped those on after I discovered my exercise pants were heaped in front of the washer where I had left them after running the other night.

I really was planning on heading to the hospital but I quickly realized my phone had gotten the worst of my recent experience. It looked as if a tank ran over it. It was nearly cracked in two pieces and the screen was practically nonexistent. Thankfully my undercover phone had been in my glovebox, but my contact list was hidden deep inside the piece of wreckage, as well as quite a few photos and playlists that I hated to lose. I amended my itinerary and began to drive towards the phone store, but as I neared it, I noticed the time and that the twins would be out of school and the building was only a block over. I had felt bad about missing yet, another dinner so I figured I'd pick them up, get a new phone with hopes that they could pull some data and get me set back up. Then I would take them home and have a little time to spend with them before my mom got home and then I'd head to the hospital. My stomach was sore and had painful spots, my head was throbbing and my chest ached, but I had felt worse than this before and it was all bumps and bruises. Hell, my dad had gotten shot once and managed to still pick me up from school.

But after I picked up the kids they stated they were starving and just couldn't handle any errands so I took them home for a snack. I'd just stop at the phone store after my mom relieved me. I texted her from Jenna's phone that I had taken them home. She replied thank you and she would be home no later than 5:30. I put the pink phone, encased in a pink cover on the coffee table and went into the kitchen and sliced some more cheese for them. Neither parent had particularly wanted the twins to have a phone, but their psychiatrist thought that it would give them a sense of security so two basic phones were purchased and the kids had to take an oath to protect them and care for them as if they were gold. Now, I was glad that they had them as I couldn't use my undercover phone for anything other than work.

They nibbled away on their cheese and crackers and drank their lemon water while I walked back into the living room in time to see my dad park his car and storm my direction. Clearly my mom had told him I had picked the kids up and was home. I was also pretty certain that Kyle had filled him in on my earlier escapade. I figured, as I had with Kyle, I would just take it. I really didn't have a decent defense anyway. I opened the door as he approached it and stepped backwards, letting him march past me.

"Where are the kids?" He asked, his voice tight with anger.

"Kitchen. Snack."

"I've been trying to call you."

"My phone got kind of smashed."

"Better the phone than you," he said as he went into the kitchen where I could hear him greeting Josh and Jenna. They gurgled with glee at his appearance and it reminded me of years ago of my own elation when he would come home. He told them to go upstairs and change out of their school clothes and then find a really good hiding place for a round of hide and seek. I heard their feet hit the stairs, getting quieter, the higher they went and then I braced myself.

Dad came back into the living room at the front of the house, his eyes blinking back any kindness he had showed only moments ago in the kitchen, to reveal a hardness that I had seen only a few times in my life.

"What in the actual hell were you thinking?" He began, his volume loud enough that I was certain that it could be heard upstairs.

I waited for more, but he just stood and stared at me. I felt as if his right hand was cocked and ready to crash across my face, but it was probably the bruise that was already on my cheek that stopped him. I realized he was waiting for an answer so I told him everything I had told Kyle about the family that I knew had lived there and I had to at least try and save them.

"But it was too late already," he pointed out. "It was a suicide mission."

"Apparently not," I pointed out. "I'm still here."

"Okay smartass," he nodded. "You disobeyed a direct order from a Sergeant."

"Not my Sergeant," I replied, as if that mattered.

"Wow, that's your answer. You know damn well it doesn't matter. Insubordination is insubordination and you have been laughing in the face of it. You've been making stupid and reckless decisions for over a month and it's going to kill you.

"What is happening with you?"

"I'm fine. Just off course a little." I answered glibly.

"You better get back on course right now! You are throwing away everything that you have accomplished and now you're pissing of the one guy that will welcome you into his unit? Even Kyle will run out of patience. I spoke to your Sergeant and he is not happy. He expects to see you first thing in the morning and I would be whatever he wants you to be. And I would not expect to get off the bench anytime soon."

"Fine."

"Fine. That's all you have to say?" He asks me as his eyes widen.

"What do you want from me? I did what I thought I had to. If you haven't noticed I take a lot after you. It is exactly what you would have done. You know all those things that you kept from me when I was kid? Well, I have found out about most of them. You call me reckless? Well you had a kid at home waiting for you and it didn't seem to matter. You went after that guy on Lower Wacker even though Voight told you to stand down. You befriended the woman who ended up shooting you because you felt guilty. You didn't tell anyone you were doing that, you lied to Hailey and to Angela Nelson and somehow you thought everything would turn out just fine. You cut your arm when that virus was rampant in the city so you could infect yourself. You constantly sacrificed, but you didn't ever think about me—that you were sacrificing me as well. So don't you stand there and tell me about my actions!" I volleyed.

He grabbed my t-shirt and pushed me back against the wall and the look on his face took me back to when I was fifteen and went through a rebellious period—it was a look I called strained patience.

"I did the best I could in what the situation called for," he said through gritted teeth.

"And so do I."

"Maybe today, but not recently. You may not be a single parent but you have a lot of people who love you and I'll be damned if you die of stupidity, because you are not stupid."

"What are you implying?" I ask him just as his phone rings. He reaches to answer it just as Josh calls out to me, asking when I was going to come look for them.

"Leaving?" I ask when he hangs up.

"Caught a break in a case. Mom will be home by five so you can go to the hospital. I should take you now, but—"

"Work, I know. I'm quite aware of the drill. I'll go after I get a new phone."

"You'll go right after Mom gets home."

"I have to have a phone for work tomorrow."

"They're open until nine."

"Have you been to the E.D. lately? I won't get out of there in time. I've got it. Don't worry. Go to work."

"We aren't done," he warns me before he yells goodbye to the kids and walks out the door.

I take a deep breath, my chest is feeling tight and my stomach is killing me. I've been feeling lightheaded, it wasn't bad at first, but suddenly my knees buckle and then for the second time that day, I am pulled into the darkness.

To be continued...

Soundtrack:

End Will Come Port Sulphur band The Rigs - Rise & Fall Les Friction - Dark Matter Two Gallants - Fly Low Carrion Crow Of The Wand & The Moon: - Sunspot