Author's Note: So this took me longer to update than I intended. Hope it was worth the wait!
Disclaimer: I don't own Star Wars. Never have, never will. I simply play in their world.
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"Tell me, father,
which to ask forgiveness for:
what I am, or what I am not?
Tell me, mother,
which should I regret:
what I became, or what I didn't?"
-Dvoyd
Kylo Ren?
I hear the roar of my TIE in the distance, a fleeting shadow cutting through the sky before disappearing.
She's gone.
She didn't even ask for my help.
She simply left deciding everything on her own.
Muscles screaming I get to my feet, metal digging through my gloves as I regain my balance.
The rain has ended but winds continue to blow ocean spray across the deck.
I know she's gone, the bond nothing more than a faint whisper now and still I look for her in the sky, futility wishing she would turn around and come back.
But she won't. I know her. She never looks behind.
A shiver across my skin and I sense I am no longer alone.
I turn and scrub water from my face, wondering if I have finally lost my mind.
Han Solo is smiling at me. He looks the same as the day he fell from the sky walk on Starkiller Base.
"You're dead. This isn't real."
He cocks a familiar eyebrow in my direction.
"You're the Jedi, you tell me kid."
"I am not a Jedi. I never was remember? Too much Vader you said."
Bitterness and regret I cannot hold back as memories from a different life play out in my mind.
"I was wrong."
Now I know this isn't real. My f-Han Solo never admitted to anything he did wrong.
He always made excuses for his actions.
"Wrong about what? About me? It's far too late for regrets."
"Ben," a heavy sigh and a shake of his head, "damn but you're a stubborn ass. You're just like me."
I am not going to talk to an apparition. I am not-
"Tell me again how I am anything like you."
"Son you just let the love of your life walk away without lifting a finger to stop her. Just like I did with your mom."
"I tried to stop her but she never listens to me!"
I take a step back, breathing heavily. Why do I always feel like a boy when I am with him?
He has the temerity to stand there and laugh at my frustrated outburst.
"What was it your uncle used to preach about? Something about failing and learning from those failures?"
As if I needed lessons in failing.
As if he has any right to judge me.
"Just like you did?"
His laughter dies and I see the guilt flash in his eyes before he points a finger at me.
"That's different."
Defensive and slightly cajoling.
This is the Han Solo I remember.
"Why are you here?"
He grabs me by the collar and the strength behind it startles me. For an apparition he has a firm grip.
"To knock some goddamn sense in you. What are you still doing here? Go after her! You know you want to I can see it in your eyes."
Do I?
I look away from him and gaze back up at the cloud-ridden sky. Another storm is building. I can feel it beneath my skin.
"I've chased her across the galaxy and it hasn't changed anything between us. She...she doesn't need me. She never did."
"What a bunch of bullshit."
I snap my head back and look at the man I idolized for years.
He lets go of me, crossing his arms and shaking his head.
"Son, let me tell you a bit about women I never got around to teaching you. The stronger they are the more pain in the ass they become."
I figured that much out for myself so where is he going with this?
A slight tilt of his lips but the smile doesn't have his usual charm. There is something melancholy about it.
"But it doesn't mean they want to be strong all the time. Sometimes they need to be vulnerable, to feel safe. I forgot that about your mom, she was always so damn strong I forgot to let her be vulnerable."
I've never heard him speak about mother like this. The regret and love so evident now.
From everything I seen, overheard through the years, my parents had been crazy about each other.
Until I came along and split them apart.
How much happier they might have been had I never been born.
Too many regrets festering inside until I ache with them.
"Dad I'm-"
He grabs and pulls me in his arms and he feels so real I'm shaking with the loss of what I can never return to.
Of what I could never be for him anymore. A son he might have been proud to call his own.
"You don't have to say it I already know."
He pulls away and I see the glimmer of tears in his aged face.
"Go after her Ben."
He makes it sound so simple. Maybe for someone like him it is.
"Am I him? Can I really go back to being Ben Solo after everything I've done?"
I swore if that man existed I would find him and yet I'm already hesitating.
"I don't...I don't know who he is anymore."
"Standing around here isn't going to help you find the answer."
My father ever the realist.
His hand on my shoulder, squeezing gently. I swear my exhaustion lightens and I no longer feel as if the wind is about to blow me over.
"Ben listen to your old man for a minute." I keep my silence but don't shrug off his touch. Again I see his deprecating smile and wonder not for the first time how things might have been if I had been allowed to grow up with them instead of away.
"Son it's time to put away the bullshit. No one in this galaxy knows more about running away than I do. Did it damn near my entire life, pretty much an expert. Know what it got me?"
I shake my head, feeling more confused than ever.
"A lonely life filled with regrets. Your mom and I...we thought we were doing what was best for you but in the end...we failed you. Biggest regret of my life, letting you go like that. I let you go and then I let your mother go. I could have said something, done something to change it. But I didn't. I chose to run instead. Don't be like me son, don't spend the rest of your life regretting what you should have held onto."
I cover my father's hand and wonder if there is such thing as forgiveness in this cold universe.
Maybe I'm not such a failure in his eyes.
I hear what he's trying to tell me.
"Dad...I'm afraid." I confess my greatest fear to my father, "What if she...what if there's nothing left for me to hold onto?"
His smile isn't cynical but oddly knowing. As if he understands exactly what I'm going through.
"Hell son we're all afraid of that. We stumble around in the dark, waving our hands hoping someone's on the other end, reaching back. Guess it makes you human like the rest of us."
He lets go of my shoulder and steps back.
"Time to decide Ben. Run or fight? Choice is yours."
I close my eyes and all I see is her.
My Rey.
Liquid amber caught in dazzling light.
Her hand reaching out for me, lips trembling as she tries so hard to not show she's afraid.
So beautiful and stubborn and...fragile. Vulnerable as she only ever lets me see.
Seems I've already made my choice. Turns out it wasn't as hard as I thought.
I won't go back to the First Order. My days as the Supreme Leader are over.
I'm not my father. I won't run away or make any more excuses for my actions.
Neither am I going to be like my uncle, consumed by fear and hiding for the rest of my life.
I want...to be something more.
Something better.
I open my eyes and my father is gone. But the warmth of his touch lingers and I know deep inside he was more than just an apparition.
Compassion in the Force to give me this closure.
I have his forgiveness and his love.
Maybe one day I'll find a way to forgive myself.
Until then I'm going to have to learn to live with my regrets.
However I need to get off this planet.
I swore I would go to hell and back if it meant standing by her side.
I suppose, all things considered, Exegol fits that description.
I'm stumbling over debris, trying to get off this wreck when something hard hits my boot.
I look down and see my lightsaber. Rey flung it away when she stopped me from falling. It must have landed over here.
Gingerly I kneel and pick it up.
I crafted this saber after I took my place as leader of the Knights of Ren.
When I cracked the kyber crystal and turned its blue light to blood-soaked red.
When I took up the mantle Kylo Ren, the 'Jedi Killer'. So much hate forged into this weapon.
So much fear and death in the wake of it.
I drop it back to the ground and put all of my weight into it as I smash it beneath my heel.
A scream of metal and the saber splits in two, shards of damaged crystal reflected in muted light.
Now it's nothing more than a broken relic for this graveyard world.
Never again will I take up the Sith mantle.
I snap my head up as I hear the roar of an engine cracking through the air like thunder and see a familiar silhouette ghost through clouds.
The Falcon leaving Kef Bir.
Dameron must be planning on regrouping with the Resistance and making their final stand against the Sith Fleet.
I am well and truly on my own.
Fine with me.
"Damn." My cape snagging on a jagged metal and I snap the band around my neck, letting the soaked thing drop to the ground.
I feel ten pounds lighter and rub my throat as I move through the floating wreck of the Death Star.
There is only on way I'm getting out of here and I need transport.
We'll see if something remains behind from the Old War that can still be put to use.
Much of the Death Star is submerged beneath the ocean but I might just be able to...
Yes, a lower deck opens up beneath me and I drop through and find the scarred remains of what must have been a hanger.
Several Imperial TIES in various states of decay tethered on rotting cabals.
I smirk at the sight. Seems Fate hasn't abandoned me altogether.
"Alright you piece of Imperial sh-ow!"
Sparks in my vision as the wires sizzle and burn my exposed fingers. I suck in a harsh breath and wonder if I didn't just burn out the component.
No the casing is intact. I go back to work.
I'm lucky I found enough fuel cells to power the old TIE and time is making me reckless.
It would take a week to make this marginally safe. I have a handful of hours.
A flutter across my mind, a sense of sadness veiling my thoughts.
Rey.
She's been like this for over an hour and I can only wonder what's happening to her.
"Hold on Rey, I'm coming."
I climb into the cockpit, the smell of rot and mildew musty and slightly stomach churning.
Never mind how it smells. I just need her to fly long enough to get me to Rey.
My years of studying TIE schematics to improve my personal arsenal have paid off.
The guts of TIES from Imperial days to First Order have only marginally changed through the years.
Time to see if I'm half as smart as I think I am.
I tap the ignition and send up prayers to the Force and forgotten gods this actually works...
The panel lights up green and she shakes hard enough to make my teeth rattle but I'll be damned if she isn't running.
I let out a shaky breath as I grip the control and slowly ease her forward.
Now all I have to do is get her out of here and I'm free to chase after Rey.
The cold solitude of space my landscape. The navigational is faulty, cutting in and out and I'm beginning to wonder if this piece of imperial junk is up to the task.
I flip a few more switches, rerouting power to the absolute minimal I need to survive. I have no weapons but I'm not looking for a fight.
Not yet anyway.
The one good thing about hijacking a TIE is their main core interface. Despite being forty years old I have to ability to track other TIES so long as I know their marker designation.
My Silencer becomes a red dot on navigational and I stare at the coordinates reading out.
"Rey what are you doing?"
She was suppose to be heading for Exegol.
So why was she on Acht-To?
None of this makes any sense and I wonder if my navigational is actually functioning.
I'll need to patch into-
Ben...
My fingers lock around steering as sweat dries on my brow and I swallow hard.
The scent of warm spices, sharp and slightly sweet, fill the cockpit.
It is a scent from my childhood. Long sable hair blowing in the breeze as strong arms hold me.
"Mother-"
Not wrong...follow the path...
Her voice nothing more than a faint echo, strained and reedy. It is not the same voice I heard when I fought Rey or even the cadence from my childhood.
I reach for her through the Force. Something is terribly wrong and I have to know what's happening to her.
A harsh sting across my mind and I recoil.
Don't...worry about me...Go!
The connects doesn't just fade it snaps away like a tether being cut.
Damn!
No wonder dad had such a hard time winning against mother in a fight.
I change course, no longer heading for the Outer Rim.
I'm needed on Acht-To.
The cockpit is overheating as I come out of lightspeed over the planet and the vibrations are enough to make me sick to my stomach.
"Hold on," I flip the switch to cool the vents, "just a little longer."
I pray the heat shield is still functioning as I make my approach otherwise I'm going to be nothing but ash in the wind.
Sweat in my eyes and down my spine despite my damp armor. The control panel flashing red and I grit my teeth as the hull begins to heat as I break through the atmosphere.
"Come on...just a little more..."
I drop beneath cloud cover to see a desolate, sprawling island in the middle of an ocean.
This is where Luke hid from the rest of the universe?
If he was going for inhospitable and remote he succeeded.
I fly low and circle above the island, searching for a familiar black silhouette but my TIE is nowhere to be found. Just endless green and what looks like ruins on the far cliff.
The warnings scream across the panel and I smell smoke and suck in a hasty breath.
No choice, I'm going to have to land before the fire hits the fuel cells.
I make for the ruins as the panel lights up in glaring red and none of the controls responds.
Not good.
CRASH!
My vision blurring as I fumble with the straps cutting into my shoulders. Smoke in the cockpit and I can barely see or breath past it.
I'm lucky I was low enough the crash didn't knock me out otherwise I would be a dead man right about now.
I kick out the shattered glass and jump down, rolling away from the wrecked TIE.
BOOM!
My ears ringing, the blast sending me sprawling in the dirt with a wave of heat at my back.
I get to my knees and look behind me.
The TIE is engulfed in vibrate, crimson flames with a plume of black smoke reaching high into the atmosphere.
"Fantastic."
I shake my head, wincing and feel something warm slide down my skin.
I touch fingers to my skin and they come away bloody.
Damn. I must have hit my head when I crashed. No time to worry about that, I need to find Rey and get off this island.
I don't want to be stuck here for the rest of my life.
I cup hands to my mouth.
"Rey!"
Not even a flicker in the bond and I swallow hard.
The bond...
I don't bother shouting for her again and close my eyes.
I don't know how well this is going to work considering I'm not exactly at full strength but I have to try.
I reach for the connection between us and faintly, almost like an echo, I feel her.
She's no longer on the island. She is far away and growing fainter by the minute.
"What are you doing here Ben?"
I snap my eyes open and stare at Luke Skywalker standing over me.
I might have guessed.
"I'm here for Rey."
"Is that right?"
He lifts an eyebrow and shakes his head at me.
"How did you know to come here?"
Might as well tell him. No point in hiding it.
"Mother."
I sigh and feel my strength leaving me. I followed her guidance and diverted my path in hopes of catching Rey.
Now the TIE is destroyed and for what? She's gone and...I have no way off of this island.
Did she lead me out here knowing it would strand me?
"I should have known. Get up and follow me."
I blink and stare at Luke and despite my weariness I feel my temper reemerge.
"I am not your Padawan anymore. You can't order me around."
He stares at me and I see his mouth twitching as if he's trying to suppress laughter.
"No you're not. You're my nephew and a Skywalker so I suppose stubbornness is like breathing for you." He fold his arms over his chest and I'll be damned if I don't feel like a novice when he does that, "Do you want to know why Leia sent you here or not?"
I grit my teeth and get to my feet.
"Fine. Why am I here?"
"Come with me."
He turns his back to me and walks away and I wonder if it's really worth the effort to defy him.
Probably not. He's dead. He can come and go as he pleases and it's not like I can leave anytime soon.
I follow after him.
He leads me to small, stone huts in the distance.
There is something...familiar about this place.
Like a long forgotten dream.
I look in the distance to see a single hut crumbling, half the wall caved in as if something had torn it apart.
I shake my head and wonder at the unease in my gut. Luke has disappeared into another of these huts and I duck before I hit my head on the door frame.
The light is muted, almost gloomy. The scent of rot and mildew hangs in the air.
How long has this place been abandoned?
"Luke? What am I doing here?"
"You're here because it's time you learned the truth."
He's standing next to a warped, wooden table with two books on it.
The apprehension in my gut grows and I take a step back.
Whatever knowledge is in those books I want no part of.
"Thanks but I think I've had enough 'truth's' from you to last me a lifetime."
Luke looks at me and picks up one of the books with a red binding. He holds it out like a peace offering.
Or a trap.
"This is your mother's journal. She wanted you to have it when you were old enough to understand..."
A prickling beneath my skin, the scent of warm spices in the air and I see Luke suck in a sharp breath.
My gift to you Ben...take it...
Gentle, invisible hands urging me forward and I'm lifting my hand to take the book.
Tears in my uncle's eyes, grief and something close to gratitude and I feel as though I'm witnessing something private and turn away from it.
I stare at the small volume in my hand and open to a random page.
Neat, flowing words written by my mother's hand and there is a lump in my throat as I read.
...he's gone and I've come to Yavin Four to train with Luke. The loss of our baby has left a gulf between us I don't know how to fix. I guess I'm doing what Han did. Run away to escape the pain...
Baby? What is she talking about? I'm an only child. Questions swirling in my mind and I turn more pages and continue to read, the echo of my mother's voice loud inside my head.
...day seven with Luke. He tells me I'm doing well. The grief is still with me but the nightmares are gone. I miss Han. Luke is my brother and I love him but it's not the same. For all of our fights I miss his arms around me when I go to sleep...
She sounds so young here. It is hard to imagine my mother as a young woman. I flip threw several more pages until I am close to the end of the journal. One of the pages sticks and no matter what I do it will not allow me to turn forward or back.
I begin reading again and notice that several of the pages seem to have watermarks on them. Did she write this in the rain?
...seen him in my dreams. Our son. Our beautiful boy with his dark hair and eyes smiling at me. Is it possible after so long? I don't know if I can bring myself to tell Han, to give him false hope of having a child. Three times we've tried and lost all of them. I don't know if I could survive another loss. This last time nearly drove Han and I apart. But I want my son. I love him already.
I blink and touch fingers to the page. My mother...she lost three children? Did the Force showed her me before I was even born?
I close my eyes as once more my world turns upside down. I always thought I had been a mistake.
The fights between my parents, the way my mother looked at me with such sadness some days...
I thought she regretted having me.
I open my eyes and flip to the last few pages and I think I've stopped breathing.
My Son,
Though you are not yet born I already know your name. It's going to be Ben. My precious boy I am excited and scared to be your mother. I have never been a mother and my few memories of my own parents were during times of war. I will stumble with you and there are times I will fail but I promise I will never stop loving you. You are my 'hope'. For a better future, one without war and where you grow up never doubting that you are loved.
My son, my beautiful Ben. You are my joy and my light.
Your father and I can't wait to meet you.
There are more pages but I can't read them. Not now.
"I thought I had been a mistake. I thought that's why they let me go so easily, to get rid of me. To go back to the lives they had before I came along."
"You were no mistake Ben. I had no idea you felt that way and I should have. I'm sorry."
I look at Luke and see only regret in his eyes. He should have been my uncle but instead he became my Master and it destroyed us both.
It's time to let go of the past.
I no longer want to be bound by old fears and hatred.
"So am I." He looks at me and I nod my head. I can't forget what he did to me but at least I can learn to forgive.
"You've grown Ben. You will become a great Jedi."
I shake my head at his words.
"Not if we don't stop Palpatine. Uncle, I have to get off this island and find Rey. She can't defeat him on her own.
"No she cannot." He gives me the strangest look, one full of rueful acceptance, "she told me to tell you something if I saw you again."
A message from Rey?
"What is it?"
"She said you were right. You two could have been more. I finally understand. Let's get you out of here."
He leaves the hut but I don't follow after him.
Not yet.
Rey...her message...a reminder from the day on the Supremacy when I asked her to join me. To forget about everything and start over.
I thought she was meant to join me in our vision. It seems I was wrong after all.
I was always meant to join her.
I place my mother's book on the table and strip off my armor.
The last remnants of Kylo Ren.
I remember her words about me being her 'hope'. I don't know if I can live up to her dream but at least, in this, I will no longer disgrace the name she gave me.
When this war is over I will come back for the books.
Assuming I survive.
I hear the sound of roaring waves echoing in the air and rush out of the hut.
What I see nearly sends me tumbling to my knee's. Luke's cryptic words on getting me off this island come to vivid life.
An old X-Wing streaming water and seaweed hovering in the air just above the rim of the cliff.
Laughter in the distance and I turn to see Luke standing above on a outcropping of rock his hand outstretched and I understand what he's done.
The X-Wing is his from when he flew with Rogue Squadron.
He had it the entire time, hidden in the depths of the ocean.
"Take it Ben and go after her. The fate of the galaxy I leave to both of you."
I have the blessing of my uncle and a way off this island.
I press my hand to the cold hull and feel a flicker in my soul.
Rey calling out for me.
My mother taught me it was rude to keep a lady waiting.
I had better get a move on then.