Chapter 54.

Dean didn't want to be out there answering questions for which he had no adequate answers. With Castiel presumably safe with Sarah and Sam out of the bunker, there was no immediate need for him to leave his room and it was possible nobody would come looking for a while.

On the other hand, he couldn't really leave Sarah to deal with Cas alone. It wasn't fair and it wasn't in his nature to stay out of things when someone was at risk. Cas could hardly be more at risk. Secret meetings with two witches, one of whom was as reliable as a rattlesnake? What was next? More demon deals? Finding common cause with the Empty?

Jack was out with Sam and that put him out of harm's way. Whatever happened at the bunker, whatever rifts and wounds reopened, whatever was said or done, Jack would not be caught up in it.

Sam would also, of course, be kept out of it and that was good and bad; good, because Jack was not the only one who had been ground zero for all Dean's crap since his return from being Michael's toy and bad because Dean knew how valuable Sam's intervention could be. He was aware of how flawed he had always been and what new flaws Michael had inflicted.

Sam and Jack were not there to witness or be hurt by anything that went wrong. Cas and Sarah were the only ones who would see his mistakes and suffer from them. He had no better time to make a fool of himself and no real excuse to keep hiding. He checked in the mirror that he seemed more blank than broken and then went looking for them.

He found them in the library, Cas sitting slouched at the table, his back to the doorway, all that stick-up-the-ass angelic bearing lost along with his grace. He looked ordinary, short and human. He looked defeated. That he had not heard Dean's approach was worrying. He turned only when Sarah looked up and smiled.

"Come in, Dean." she said.

"Hey, Sarah. Hey, Cas." he said. He wished his voice carried a little more confidence, but he had no idea what Cas may have told her about his unhinged, confused rantings when they had been alone in his room. Come to that, he wasn't entirely sure himself what he had said. He only knew that all calm, reasoned words left him whenever he saw Cas in that feeble, depleted state.

"I want to give you the crystal for Claire." said Cas, "If anything happens to me, I won't have time to take it to her."

"Screw that!" said Dean, "If you want Claire protected, you stick around and protect her. She's not my responsibility."

"You don't mean that." said Sarah.

Dean looked at Cas's disappointed expression and felt instant remorse. He held out his hand. "Give me the damn thing."

Cas put it into his palm and the grace in it flickered for a moment, before fading into dormancy. "What do I tell her?" he said.

"It needs no instructions. She just has to keep it near her." said Cas.

"Fine. I'll give it to her next time I see her. No point waiting for ... Besides, odds are that we'll die together."

"Don't say that." said Cas.

"Just being realistic."

"Well, don't."

"What? Because thinking of the untimely death of someone you care about hurts?"

"Yes."

"And you don't see how that works both ways?"

"Dean," said Sarah quietly, "I want to thank you for what you said to Castiel."

"Which part?" said Dean, considering most of it to be undeserving of either praise or repetition.

"You forgave him. He needed to hear that."

Dean looked into her eyes, saluting her strategy. Without chiding him, she had reminded him of what Cas needed from him and it wasn't a lecture.

"Of course I forgave him." he said, "You know all the dumb things I've done to keep people safe. I started the damn apocalypse because I couldn't let Sam die."

"And if the same choice lay before you now?" she said.

"Same decision. Though I would try to hold out longer on the torture thing."

"Then, we would never have met." said Cas.

"Yeah," said Dean, "And you'd be safe."

"Safe? I'd barely exist."

"Castiel has a point." said Sarah, "You made him what he is."

"What he is right now? This damaged, unhappy ... "

"This warm, sensitive, caring person." said Sarah firmly, "This father who will protect his children whatever it costs. This friend who would die for you without a second thought."

"Problem is, I don't want him dead."

"It's not my ambition." said Cas.

"Are you sure about that?" said Dean.

Cas smiled slightly.

"I'm serious, Cas. Best outcome for you is what? Self-sacrifice, a meaningful end?"

"Best outcome is no end at all, for any of us." said Cas, "If I could ensure that, I would do it. I don't seek death, I'd just rather see my life end than yours or Jack's or any of the other lives that matter."

"Your life matters!" said Dean, beginning to get frustrated and trying desperately not to lose his temper.

"Compared to yours?"

"Mine should have ended a long time ago. When the time comes ... when it's really the end, I'll go quietly."

"Don't even think about it. You think I would let you? Or Sam? You think he'll stand and watch you die while there's a crossroads left in the country? While he can hope for any leverage on God?"

"You've died too often. When is it my turn?"

"You've died a lot too." said Cas.

"Never for you."

"I don't want you to, ever. How could I enjoy my life if it cost yours?"

"Right back at you."

"You'd be fine without me. You always are. You're stronger than me."

"That's what I told Sam." said Dean, "Without me, he walked straight into Ruby's trap. Just as you, outside my supervision for an hour, walked straight into Rowena's."

"I initiated contact."

"Not reassuring."

"You said you forgave me."

"Yeah, I do. You think I don't get why you did it? I've done things every bit as dumb and reckless and insane. That makes it forgivable. What it doesn't make it is any less dumb, reckless and insane. You get the distinction, right?"

Cas was smiling again.

"Cas?"

"I wish I'd known, what I grabbed a hold of the day I pulled you out of the pit. It was important to Heaven, so I did it, with no more thought than an intern gives to getting the coffee. I never even thought it might give me a friend like you."

"I'm not that great a friend." said Dean.

"I have a lot to regret. More than ever, today."

"We've all made mistakes. The grace will grow back. Jules will forgive you. Nothing is irretrievably broken here." said Dean.

"But bad times can bring out the best friends. Even now, you still care."

"Of course I frickin' care!" Dean immediately moderated his tone. "I always will care." He sat down with them. "Still think you might have been better off never meeting me."

"Well, you're on your own on that one." said Sarah, "Castiel is right. Without you, he'd just be another unthinking angel, doing what he was programmed to do."