Holy fucking shit. MAN. What a fucking year, am I right? Sorry for all the cussing, but...fuck. Like 2020...enough said.
Anyway, enough of that shit. It's been a long-ass time since I've obviously been on this site. I just recently started getting back into fanfiction, started rewriting one of my old stories too. It's almost therapeutic from how familiar and nostalgic this is, and I can't believe I've forgotten this feeling. lol I know I said I wouldn't bring up 2020, but I'm gonna make a confession here. A lot of shit happened this past year in my life, some of it good (rarely any of it, but...anyway...), a lot of it was pretty shit, but I won't get into any of that. I could write ten fucking pages or more of everything that came from 2020.
Throughout all of it though, my depression really got bad, and I hadn't felt this bad since I was a teenager. It's been a couple of years since it got to this level. Most days now, I don't want to get out of bed, but I force myself to anyway. A lot of the time, I feel like I'm just going through the motions, but yet, I force myself to keep going. My job, I fucking hate it, but...at this moment, I don't have anything better lined up. I also turned 26 this year, ergo, I'm off my parent's insurance. There were a lot of things I didn't realize I had until they were gone, let me tell ya. lol
My job...FUCKING HELL, tell me you live in America, without telling me you live in America, am I RIGHT?
I live in Pennsylvania and work for a very well-known healthcare organization of who's name I won't say for legal reasons. It rhymes with JellsPlan (where the fuck did that come from? That's the best I can come up with? lmao). I work at a call center, but since I work for JellsPlan, I'm considered an "essential worker." I'm grateful to have a job when a lot of people don't, so don't get me wrong there, I'm more than grateful to have what I do.
However, for being considered an "essential worker", and dealing with all of the bullshit that I do...FUCK. I have so much pent up anxiety and rage. I mean, hey, it's not all bad. There's some perks (not that many, I don't even get paid THAT much), and I have...decent-ish hours. Minus a few factors, (my team is very short-staffed, one person transferred to diff dept I think, and someone else just quit because of how short-staffed we are, there's also someone else milking the fact that they got " major covid" (their words not mine) for all it's worth and no they're not that sick, but that's another story. Long story short, I just know their type. A con artist that wants to get out of working as much as possible. So there's only 4, yes, 4 people including myself answering phone calls for THREE different medical practices. So I answer a fuck ton of phone calls and being paid not that much for it, and I have a bachelor's degree. Which really don't mean shit anymore in this country. Pennsylvanian's are also demanding and whiny motherfucker's. Also a lot of drug addicts and old fucking nut-jobs that shouldn't own a phone. Just some of the people I talk to.) but THAT'S just some of the bullshit I deal with. I know, I should probably have more compassion. But who I am when I'm working versus myself outside of my job, is VERY different. I'm an absolute ass-kisser, I work my ass off, I don't slack- -unlike some people.
SORRY. The anxiety and stress from my job has truly made me into one bitter motherfucker. And also the one thing I didn't want to become...another crazy Pennsyltuckian. (Help, get me outta here.)
Bear with me, I'm sorry, like I said, my mental state ain't exactly the greatest at the moment.
I want to believe that there's light at this end of this tunnel, I want things to go back to normal just like everyone else does. 2020...if there's anything positive at all to come from it, is that...it was an entire year for me to reflect on a lot of things. I feel like I learned a lot about myself, both in positive and negative aspects. I think I'm asexual? I'm really not sure, I've never really explored my sexuality. I have to be emotionally invested and consider you my best friend before having sex with you. I discovered my fucking love for the band Queen again. I mean I've loved them since I was a kid, but man...they're so awesome. And ROGER MOTHER FUCKIN' TAYLOR. GAH. (Sorry I'll stop before THAT gets out of hand). I was also able to get my own place, kinda, it's a refurbished basement in my parent's home. (Yes, I'm 26 and I still live with my parents. What of it? I'm poor, bitch. lol) But hey, it's my own space, can't complain. I really turned it around too, I wish I could attach pictures here. It's like a little nerd-cave, designed by yours truly. lol
I also just got health insurance, courtesy of my employer JellsPlan. I'm trying to find a therapist that specializes with autistic people, or maybe someone that specializes with anxiety and depression. But hey, maybe they can help me figure out what my sexuality is? lol I'm being prescribed some anti-depressants. Your good ol' duloxetine, otherwise known as Cymbalta. Depression hurts, Cymbalta can help. (Remember that fucking ad lmao) I'm also thinking of applying for a gym-membership (mostly just to have something normal to do to get out the house, you know?), but I'm still contemplating it because of rise in covid cases, and also because of financial reasons. Gym memberships ain't cheap here. But at the same time, I know I could lose all this covid-weight, haha. (I like to hide my anxiety and depression through humor, can't ya tell?)
BUT ENOUGH ABOUT ME.
For all the followers, my loyal and nerd-worthy followers,
I promise you that I haven't forgotten about this fic. Like I said earlier towards the beginning, I just recently started writing fanfiction again. When my depression hit, BOY LET ME TELL YOU, I had major writer's block. I'm trying to get back in the swing of things so to speak. Plus, I think I need a good outlet, you know? But uh...yes. The story.
I am definitely going to revise the story. There's a lot I obviously want to change. But I won't say what lol
I'm also still working on starting Endgame. Like right after Infinity War took place, the movie that legit killed and slayed me in theaters. You guys know what I mean if you've seen The Snap.
Man have I missed Tyra motherfucking Stark. My sweet beloved OC.
OH THIS WILL BE FUN.
Maybe I'll watch all the Marvel movies again...who knows? We've DEFINITELY got time for it now HAHA.
As I was saying though, I will rewrite this story, make it even better than before (hopefully lol). Bear with me just a little longer. I will try to make the wait worth it lol
That's my update. That entire fucking rant above there? Yeah...that's just a glimpse of my current mental state. lmao XD
But I will try to be quick with my revision, I mean, I want it to actually be good, so it might take a little longer before I move onto the new stuff.
I just want to thank all of you for sticking it with me for this long though. I really love writing for you guys and I've missed you
Ta Ta For Now!
-Bellas2silly