Chapter 55.
Dan's Diner was fairly quiet and had a comfortable atmosphere. Jack seemed relaxed there, drinking his banana milkshake just like any other kid. No-one looking at him would think he had a care in the world and there was not the slightest sign that he had ever been sick or weak or dead. Sam felt a sudden stupid need to touch his arm, to reassure himself that what he was looking at was real, that Jack was truly back with them for good.
He suppressed the urge. Jack needed to be treated normally, so he could feel able to move on from his terrible experience. Sam's needs paled away to nothing in comparison.
"I like it here." said Jack and Sam saw a flicker of something in his eyes, a hint that he wasn't talking about the diner, with its friendly, faded pastels and smiling staff. Jack had never needed much from life. A ride in the Impala, a milkshake shared with a good friend ... They had been so afraid of his power and the craving for control they feared must come with it, but the truth was, he just wanted to be included in their lives. He considered himself a Winchester and that seemed like a miracle.
They considered him a Winchester too. He was their kid. Even Dean called him that now. His devotion to them was unquestionable, his value to them, not for his powers, but for who he was, incalculable. Kelly Kline's kid was something special and the moment of his death had been one of the worst of Sam's life.
Jack was back and that was wonderful It seemed ungrateful to even think the questions in his head, but they refused to go away. Something had happened in Heaven that had changed the game for Cas. Some consequence of fighting the Empty, some whisper from an officious angel, some price he had paid for Jack that he was keeping from them ... Sam hoped his speculations were wide of the mark. He hoped he was worrying over nothing. He as not always as rational as he would like to be and Heaven was almost as triggering for him as Hell.
He made an effort to banish such thoughts. He had brought Jack out to get him away from negativity and anxiety, not to dump all of his on the kid. "We should do this more often." he said.
"That would be great!" said Jack.
"Yes, it would." said Sam, "We could all go out together sometime."
"Yes! Somewhere with burgers, for Dean. What about Castiel? He likes ice cream." Jack frowned, "Apart from ice cream and coffee, I'm not sure what else he likes."
"Nobody is." said Sam, "He never talks about it."
"Why do you think that is?"
"Because expressing a preference feels like a demand to him." said Sam, "But we're working on it. We'll get him to work out what he wants and then we'll give it to him."
"I wish he would make demands. I wish he'd ask for anything. I owe him ... " Jack's voice trailed off.
"Cas doesn't see it that way." said Sam, anxious not to let Jack dwell on the things Cas had done or risked for his sake. Jack didn't need that kind of weight on him.
"I don't know much about what you want, either." said Jack.
"I'm fine with a salad and a drink ... any drink." said Sam.
"I mean in general ... in life. If I get back to full power ... "
"When." said Sam.
"When that happens, I'll be able to repay all of you."
"No debt exists." said Sam.
"Fine, to make you happy. What is it you really want?"
Sam indicated the table. "This. Some peaceful time with my family. Days when I'm not covered with blood would be great. Cas with Jules, Dean with ... someone. You, living the life you want to live, making your own destiny."
"I don't even know what that life would be like." said Jack.
"Yeah, well, there's time to decide, but all such decisions need to be yours. Don't let anyone dictate to you the form that life should take."
"Do you regret that you left college?" said Jack.
"I regret a lot, but I've made peace with my life as it is, mostly. I don't want you to have to do that, though. I mean, if you want to go to college, we'll find a way. If you have dreams and ambitions and all of that, we'll help you pursue them."
"I think the only ambition I have is to make all of you proud of me." said Jack.
"Well, check that one off. Mission accomplished."
"What I am is big." said Jack.
"Yes. It is."
"What I could do is huge."
"Yes."
"To do less than I can do feels wrong, but to aim higher than I can reach feels arrogant."
"A man's reach should exceed his grasp, or what's a Heaven for?"
"What's that?"
"Just something Bobby told me years ago. It's from a poem. Never be afraid to aim high, because you exceed all expectations. Dream big and do big, but always remember, succeed or fail, your family will always be proud of you and will always love you. You have nothing to prove to us. There's nothing you need to do to get our approval. Above all, you don't owe us a thing."
"I owe all of you everything." said Jack. He suddenly smiled and said, "Dean says when Castiel and Jules are dealt with, he's going to find someone for you."
"Not a good idea." said Sam.
"Why not?"
"My past record isn't great. Everyone I so much as smile at dies. It's hard to be enthusiastic about dating when I'd have a lower body count driving the Impala through a Mardi Gras crowd."
"So you're just alone, forever?"
"No. I'll never be alone, Jack. My family is large and loving and I'm very grateful to have every one of you. The world can be a lonely place, but family, however you find them, make it great. Dean and I have made it this far because we're surrounded by good people. Sometimes, they save us, sometimes, they inspire us. Sometimes, they just give us a reason not to give up. While there is one person in this world who cares whether I live or die, I will never stop fighting. I know it's the same for Dean."
"Good. I will always be that person." said Jack, "I love you both."
"I know you do, Jack and we will always love you."