Fifth Intermission

Part 4: Side Trip to Keelhaul

Cortez had agreed to transport Rolf, Mario, Goombella, and Madame Flurrie back to Keelhaul Key to fetch Francesca and Frankie, as the four remembered that the two Pianta lovers were still there on their honeymoon; the undead pirate captain did this as thanks for driving off Lord Crump and his X-Naut army the other day. At the 50-knot pace at which the Black Skull sailed, they had arrived back at Keelhaul Key, near their old shantytown, within a day's time. Thanking Cortez for the ride and the pleasantries they had shared, the group of four disembarked the Black Skull and set out back through the jungles of Keelhaul Key to find Francesca and Frankie. Checking the shantytown, the foursome found no trace of the Pianta lovers, but they spotted Jake and Betty Reynolds assisting Pa-Patch with washing the castaways' laundry outside the infirmary, and decided to ask them for assistance.

"Scusi, please-a!" called Mario.

"Oh, hey, you're back!" said Betty. "Hey, where's the rest of you?"

"They're still back at Rogueport," replied Goombella. "Hey, listen, we're looking for Francesca and Frankie. Have you seen them?"

"What, those… mobsters that look like aliens in grass skirts?" replied Jake.

"Um… they're called Piantas, but yeah," said Goombella.

"I think I saw them headin' into the jungle," said Jake. "I guess the honeymoon went further south, 'cuz they were arguing about something."

"I heard Francesca complaining that she lost her wedding ring somewhere in the jungle," said Betty.

"Okay, thanks, guys," said Goombella. Turning to face her group, she said, "Hm, perhaps if we help them find Francesca's wedding ring, they might agree to come back with us. Hopefully the sight of his daughter in person might help Don Pianta feel better."

"I agree. Let's-a go," said Mario. "Rolf, lead-a the way."

Obeying Mario's command, Rolf, in another of his odd Old Country behaviors, placed his nose on the ground like a dog in order to track the Pianta lovers' scent. On the way out of the shantytown, however, Mario's Mailbox SP began to emit the usual chiptune Super Mario World theme music, indicating that he had received an email from Peach. The noise was enough to distract Rolf from his search, and as he rounded on Mario, the son of a shepherd groaned, "Please, silence that tiny button-box, as Rolf cannot bear to have his search interrupted by that fancy-pants music!"

"Mamma-mia, oh yes, Rolf. I'm-a surprised this little thing held up after that-a shipwreck," said Mario.

Opening the Mailbox SP, Mario noticed one new message, and opening it, he read aloud:

"Dearest Mario, I have good news! First off, I still don't know exactly where the Kanker Sisters and I are being held, but there's an odd computer here called TEC. By cooperating with this TEC, I've managed to obtain some data on these fiends that they've stored. Right now, TEC is in the process of analyzing this data, and as strange as this may seem, I trust 'him.' Once TEC finishes the analysis, I should be able to provide you with some details of what their plans are. I'll email you once again once I learn more. Marie and Lee have sent messages to their… 'boyfriends' as well. Be good, OK? -Princess Peach."

"TEC? A computer?" inquired Goombella. "Okay, this tells me she must be imprisoned in some giant laboratory or space station. From what we've seen of the X-Nauts, one of those theories has to be true."

"Well, Princess-a Peach trusts this-a computer, and I trust-a Princess-a Peach, so I suppose this TEC she's-a talking about can be trusted as well," mused Mario. "In-a the meantime-a, we must-a continue our search-a for Francesca and-a Frankie. Rolf, please-a continue."

With Rolf leading the way using his dog-like behavior, the foursome continued out of the shantytown, and to their surprise, found Francesca and Frankie only a few paces outside the town.

"Look, I'm tellin' youse, my lovely cannoli, dat ring's gotta be around here someplace," said Frankie.

"Well, hurry up 'n find it already so's we can get back, capisce?" snarked Francesca.

"Um, scusi," piped up Mario, garnering the attention of the Piantas.

"Oh, hey, it's dat plumber guy, uh… Mario, was it?" said Frankie.

"And dere's my Goomba girl, Goombella," said Francesca. "Sorry youse had to hear all dat."

"So how youse been doin, anyways?" asked Frankie. "Dere sumthin' we's can do for youse?"

"Well, we've been to see the boss at his office the other day," said Goombella. "He's… well, he's not feeling very well. He's turned all blue, and he's really sick."

"What? Da boss is sick?" Frankie gasped. "Cesca, my proscuit, is ya hearin' dis? Your daddy, da boss, is sick!"

"Oh, no!" cried Francesca, worried for her father. "Oh, Daddy… and at a time like dis, too… See, Frankie gave me dis weddin' ring, but I dropped it somewheres round here, and we can't leave till we find it, otherwise sumthin' might up 'n eat it! It's gotta be somewhere between here 'n dat big skull rock!"

"Please, my fuzzy li'l coconut, just listen for a sec," said Frankie. "Can't we just leave da ring fer now 'n check on da boss, your daddy?"

"Frankie! How can youse be sayin' dis?" snapped Francesca. "Dat ring's a symbol of our love! We hafta find it! We just hafta! C'mon, Frankie, please… don'tcha love me anymore? If ya really loved me… hm, maybe dat's it, ya just don't love me no mores…"

"Yes, of course I love youse, my little bacon burger!" cried Frankie.

"Enough o' your sweet talk! I wanna hear ya say ya love me… one hundred times!" demanded Francesca.

"One… hundred… times?" said Goombella nervously.

"ONE HUNDRED TIMES?!" yelled Frankie.

"Dat's right! One hundred times!" demanded Francesca. "If ya really love me, ya need to say so! One hundred times, 'n no less! Right here 'n now!"

"Ya know I love ya, my li'l short stack. Now c'mon, let's go," said Frankie.

"No! Dat was only one time!" snapped Francesca. "Ya needs to say it ninety-nine more times!"

"Awwwww… Fine, ya crazy dame!" groaned Frankie. He drew a deep breath and began:

"I love ya! I love ya! I love ya! I love ya! I love ya! I love ya! I love ya!..."

XXX000XXX000XXX

Back in Rogueport, Edd and his friends were keeping themselves busy in different ways. Eddy, wanting to be as far away from Kevin as possible, was trying unsuccessfully to pitch his latest idea for a scam to Charlieton outside Podley's, with little to no success. Kevin, meanwhile, was allowed to dine with Nazz, Edd, and Vivian inside Podley's, but their relationship remained strained, since Nazz hadn't fully forgiven Kevin for his selfish actions during the attack on the S.S. Flavion. While Kevin reflected on the events of Keelhaul Key in silence as he ate, Eduardo Junior, Koops, Admiral Bobbery, and Jimmy were sitting at the counter, taking sips of refreshing Chuckola Cola, and Flavio was once again keeping to himself at his usual table, having already started writing about his experiences on Keelhaul Key.

"Hm, I wonder if Mario and the others can get us those tickets for the train," said Nazz. "I've never been on a train before. Like, of any kind."

"Even if they are successful in their endeavor, Nazz, there is still the possibility that they may not be able to procure enough tickets for our entire group," noted Edd. "Look around. In the time since our arrival in this dimension, our ragtag band of, dare I say, adventurous heroic souls has grown to such a large scale, as we have been both reuniting with our own dear friends from the cul-de-sac and forged new friendships with many a soul from this dimension, including one Super Mario. Our group now consists of myself, yourself, Ed, Eddy, Jimmy, Rolf, and Kevin, as well as Mario, Goombella, Koops, Madame Flurrie, Eduardo Junior, Vivian, and Admiral Bobbery. That adds up to fourteen members of our group."

"Oh, yeah, you're right, Double-D," said Nazz in agreement. "For all we know, they might only be able to get enough tickets for half of us, if that. Hey, now that I think about it… shouldn't you check your laptop by now? I think that Marie Kanker girl might've emailed you again."

"Oh, dear, you're right, Nazz!" exclaimed Edd. "Unfortunately it seems my laptop was badly damaged by water amid the attack on the S.S. Flavion. I must find a place that specializes in computer repair, in the hopes that my laptop can be repaired successfully. I shall return shortly."

With that, Edd donned his backpack and exited Podley's in search of any place in Rogueport that specialized in computer repair.

XXX000XXX000XXX

Frankie had finally said his one-hundredth "I love ya" to Francesca, and thus the Pianta boss's daughter was finally convinced of her husband's love for her. Rolf, in the meantime, had finally found Francesca's wedding ring near the tree where Admiral Bobbery had been attacked by Embers previously, and returned it to her.

"Oh my Shine Gate! Dat's my weddin' ring!" she exclaimed at the sight of Rolf holding the ring. In her excitement, she snatched the ring from Rolf's hand and placed it back on her finger eagerly. "Thank'ya, thank'ya so much, youse guys! Look, Frankie!"

Francesca held out her finger, showing off the wedding band.

"Now we can go back home to Daddy!" she exclaimed.

"I'm so glad, my little cheese 'n cracker, so I'm a say it a hundred-and-first time, I love ya so much!" said Frankie, kissing Francesca on her cheek. "Now let's go back to da boss. I sure hope once he sees ya, he'll feel better."

Smiling, Francesca and Frankie accompanied Mario, Rolf, Goombella, and Madame Flurrie back to the Black Skull, with Cortez agreeing to ferry the group of six back to Rogueport. They arrived in a day's time at the pace at which the Black Skull sailed, and after exchanging thanks with Cortez, the group of six crossed through town into the shopping district. Francesca and Frankie, both calling out to Don Pianta, entered Bootoria's shop first, followed by Mario, Goombella, Flurrie, and finally Rolf, just barely missing Edd, who had reclaimed his successfully-repaired and operational laptop and was on his way back to Podley's.

Having arrived at the Don's office, Francesca rushed to her father's bedside, calling out to him: "Daddy! Daddy! DADDY! Please, open yer eyes 'n wake up! Your li'l girl's back!"

"Boss!" added Frankie.

Mario, Rolf, Goombella, and Flurrie gathered around Don Pianta's bed, and the first thing they noticed was that Don Pianta's skin had returned to its original color, a sure sign that the Don was recovering from his illness; it seemed the sight of his beloved daughter had done the trick, and thus the Don's illness was theorized to be caused by unending worry over her welfare.

The Don opened his eyes, and the first two people he saw were Francesca and Frankie, sporting a worried expression on her face.

"…Francesca?"

"Daddy!" exclaimed Francesca.

"Boss!" exclaimed Frankie.

"Oh, my li'l Francesca! 'N you too, Frankie! Youse came back for me!" said the Don.

"Of course we did, Daddy! We dropped everythin' 'n rushed back once we heard you was ill!" said Francesca.

"Oh, Francesca. Frankie. I was wrong, youse two. I was a stubborn old man. You'll forgive yer old man, won'tcha, Cesca?" said the Don.

"Of course, Daddy," said Francesca.

"I'm so glad to hear ya say dat, my princess," said the Don. "'Cuz… 'n chances are I'd probably regret dis, but… Cesca, Frankie, I want da two o' youse to stay here, wit' me. I can't bear to be away from youse two crazy kids. I'm an old man in need o' peace."

Don Pianta, his health improving, managed to climb out of his bed and onto his feet, facing his daughter and new son-in-law as he continued, "I'm thinkin' da time's come for me to stop bein' so dang selfish 'n causin' trouble fer everybody… I mean, yeah, I'm Don Carlo Maurizio Pianta, da Don o' Untimely Death 'n all, but even I can't 'scape da old age. Everyone, listen up! Da time's come… for me to retire."

"Boss!" cried Vinny.

"Say it ain't so, Boss!" exclaimed Tony.

"C'mon, Boss, no!" cried Frankie.

"But, Daddy!" cried Francesca.

"I'm serious, youse all," said the Don firmly. "I mean it, I'm steppin' down. It's time for me to pass da torch… Frankie, my boy… My son-in-law… I pass da torch on to you. From dis day forth, you, my boy, are da new Don o' the Pianta Syndicate. Whaddya say, Frankie?"

"Whaaaat?" exclaimed Frankie in surprise. "B-b-but, Boss! Ya still got it in ya! Look at ya, boss, yer a spring chicken! Ya don't gotta do dis! 'N I mean… c'mon, ME as da new boss?"

"Dat's right, yer da one, Frankie. I been thinkin' dat fer a long time now," said Don Pianta. "Yer gonna do fine, my boy. I got a feelin' 'boutcha. A good feelin'. I want ya to take care o' my little girl Francesca 'n da rest o' da syndicate like I did."

"Oh, Boss!" exclaimed Frankie.

Don Pianta turned his gaze to Rolf and his group to address them.

"Now youse palookas… what was y'all's names again?"

"I am Rolf, son of a shepherd," said Rolf.

"It's-a me, Mario," said Mario.

"My name's Goombella," said Goombella.

"Bonjour, je m'appelle Madame Flurrie," said Flurrie.

"Oh, yeah, right," said the Don. "Well, it seems youse palookas done me 'n the Syndicate yet another favor."

"Uh… yeah, uh…" began Vinny.

"Yeah, 'bout dat, Boss…" added Tony.

Based on the nervous quavers in the voices of his underlings, Don Pianta knew that what he was about to hear was less than favorable.

"Oh… dis is gonna be just bee-yoo-tiful, I just know it," he stated, in a very firm, though no less menacing, tone of voice. "Vinny… Tony... What… did youse guys… do?"

"Yeah… uh, Boss, we, uh… we kinda promised dese palookas a li'l somethin' somethin'," said Vinny. "We, uh… told 'em they'd get tickets fer da Excess Express if they brought Francesca…"

As he contemplated Vinny's words, Don Pianta shifted his gaze between his underlings, Vinny and Tony, then to Rolf and his group, then back to Vinny and Tony. After a few tense seconds, the Don smiled and emitted a hearty chuckle.

"Whoa-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho! Is dat all?" he laughed. "Fer a second dere, youse really had me worried!"

"So… does this mean we can have those tickets?" asked Goombella.

"Well, let's see here, doll, I only got about seven tickets here, so… take 'em or leave 'em," said Don Pianta. "Yer choice."

"We'll take them," said Goombella. "Thank you very much… Boss."

The Don handed the seven tickets to Mario with a smile. "Youse palookas come back anytime, how 'bout dat?"

"Sounds like a fair deal, thank you," said Goombella sincerely.

"Eh, don't sweat it, li'l Goombella," said Don Pianta. "In any case, since I'm retired, I'm gonna get outta here."

"Daddy!" exclaimed Francesca.

"Boss!" exclaimed Frankie.

"Hey hey, now, Frankie, you da boss now, capisce? You. Da. Boss," stated Don Pianta. "Youse do good now!"

With this, the now-former Don Carlo Maurizio Pianta made his exit from the Syndicate's headquarters, singing to himself.

"Well, Frankie, we gots lotsa work to do now, and don'tcha worry, 'cuz I'll be da one keepin' ya in line now," said Francesca firmly.

"Aw, c'mon, my sweet bean-" began Frankie.

"Oh, 'n knock it off wit' da pet names already! Call me by my name - Francesca!" said Francesca even more firmly. "Or, betta yet… Miss Boss Lady! Hee hee! Miss Boss Lady Francesca… dat's got a good ring to it!"

"What?" exclaimed Frankie. "M-M-M-M-M-Miss B-B-B-Boss L-L-L-Lady…F-F-F-F-Fuh… Francesca?"

"Underboss- no, Boss! Youse got our loyalty!" exclaimed Vinny.

"We'll be at yer side whenever ya need us, Boss!" added Tony.

"Hey, Goombella. And yer friends. To youse palookas, I say thanks. For everythin'," said Francesca.

"My proscuit- er, I mean, Francesca's right," added Frankie. "Youse palookas 'r welcome here anytime. Youse 'r like bruddahs 'n sistas to us."

XXX000XXX000XXX

Rolf, Mario, Goombella, and Flurrie returned to Podley's to reunite with Edd and the others. There, Mario and Goombella explained their predicament: there were fourteen heroes in the group, but only seven tickets to board the Excess Express.

"So, like, if there's only seven tickets…" began Nazz.

"This means only half of us will get to take the train, while the other half has to stay here," said Vivian, catching on.

"Which half?" grumbled Eddy.

"Aw, c'mon, Dad, I wanna ride on the train!" groaned Eduardo Junior.

"I've never been on a train before," said Jimmy.

"Hm, yes, it seems we'll merely have to find some way to make this decision fairly," stated Edd. "In the meantime, I certainly hope that repairman succeeded in repairing my laptop computer."

Edd opened his laptop and pressed the power button. Sure enough, the computer booted up without a hitch, and the repairman was also kind enough to have the battery fully recharged. As the boot-up sound played, Edd smiled. "Ah, the sweet sound of technology, optimally functional once more."

Edd opened his email and discovered two new messages in his inbox: one from Marie Kanker, and the other from her sister Lee. He opened Marie's email and read aloud:

"Hey there, cutie! Been a while, huh? Well, to catch ya up, Oven Mitt… everything's totally lame here now. Ever since May busted out, these X-feebs decided to beef up their security so we can't even try to bust out ourselves. Lee's ticked off about something Eddy wrote to her. Peach's turned into a total buzzkill, and where the heck is May? Ugh, it's getting' hard to think straight. I hope you guys get us outta here soon! Oh, by the way, we decided to do a little snoopin' ourselves, too! It's true! We made some weirdo potions in their chemical lab, and when we drank 'em, we turned invisible. Lee and I had such a blast with it – I screamed like a banshee and Lee beat the crap outta these drips. It was so funny, they had no idea what was happenin'! They even thought the place was haunted! Ha ha! Oh, yeah, and I think she switched my potion, 'cuz I spent some time turned into a frog. Blech. Weird, right? So anyway, we also found some super top secret disk thingy, and this guy TEC, he's the main computer where we are, he's going through that disk to find out what these X-jerks are plannin'. So, yeah, that's about it. Stay alive and stay pretty for me so I can smooch that face all over when I see ya! XOXO, Marie Kanker."

"Dang, Dad, I think this chick really likes ya too much," laughed Junior.

"Well, that's weird. I thought Marie already was a frog," chuckled Eddy.

"Eddy, what could you possibly have written in your electronic communication that upset Lee so?" inquired Edd.

"Huh? Oh, I just told her she was some freaky stalking freak who didn't deserve the Eddy McGee charms, and that she's better off locked in that stupid cell wherever she is," said Eddy.

"Eddy!" snapped Edd. "I'm surprised at you!"

"Oh, c'mon, Sockhead, I'm sure you thought the same thing about Marie somewhere along the line!" retorted Eddy.

"Just read Lee's message and respond to it," said Edd matter-of-factly. "And please do so more kindly this time!"

"All right, already! Jeez, don't have a bird, Sockhead," grumbled Eddy as he typed his response to Lee.

XXX000XXX000XXX

Professor Frankly had come to visit Podley's earlier for a refreshing drink, and he invited Edd's group to lodge at his residence if they wanted to. Eddy wanted to be as far away from Kevin as possible, and vice versa, so the Eds decided to take Frankly up on his offer, as did Vivian, Goombella, Eduardo Junior, and Rolf (who was determined to keep an eye on Edd and Vivian), while the others decided to remain at Podley's for the night. Edd had heard from the Goomba professor that the train would depart for Poshley Heights the next day, and that it would be a three-day ride before arriving at the luxurious destination, and another three days for the return trip. It did certainly seem like a long time just for one Crystal Star, but after their experiences on Keelhaul Key, they were more than willing to just take it easy for now. For his part, Edd was just too exhausted even to respond to Marie's email, so he chose to put it off until morning. He began to wonder who would get to board the train, or even if he would get to board himself. He knew a decision would have to be made before the train departed. As Edd struggled to fall asleep, questions began to riddle his mind. Who was this TEC that Marie mentioned? Was there someone tricking them into doing the X-Nauts' work for them? Or was this TEC a double-agent from within? Additionally, Edd and his group had found no clues as to the whereabouts of May Kanker; he couldn't even begin to imagine where she could be…

End of Part Four