Warning: Cruelty/manipulation/DRAMA.

Shauna and Izzy, Pt 2

Izzy knew a dinner wasn't enough thanks for the support Joe gave him today. Still, Joe granted him yet another favor: he texted that he would be in the library until further notice. That consideration spared Izzy the awkwardness of requesting privacy for this awful talk with Amy.

Izzy sat at his desk, staring at monitors without seeing a thing. His foot jiggled on the carpet. If Amy wasn't due to arrive any moment, then he'd be pacing, prowling, searching for a way to relieve his restless anxiety.

Over and over, his beleaguered brain bemoaned, what am I supposed to do?

Perhaps even more terrible, it always answered: Tell her the truth. At this stage, it was his only option. He could no longer nudge the conversation to a later date, and he never had any intention of lying. Foolishly, he had hoped that his past wouldn't collide with his present. That was a more viable position when his ex-girlfriend didn't attend the same college as him, but one can always hope.

A knock on the door sent his heart revving. Izzy rotated his desk chair, snapping into rigidly correct posture, like a job interviewee. "C-come in."

Amy entered, holding a cup in one hand, with a second pinned between her forearm and stomach. Izzy hurried to assist before she dropped one. "What's this?"

"Hot chocolate. I thought..." Amy hesitated. "Well, it's a comfort drink. I mean, it's just packet mix and hot water, but-"

Izzy shifted his weight to his toes, so he could kiss her cheek. "Thank you."

Her smile was thin, weary. "Sure. Um... I'll sit?" Izzy nodded, and Amy sat on the edge of his bed. He sank back onto his desk chair, despite that ever-rising urge to pace.

Izzy circled the warm cup with both hands and stared into it, unable to look at Amy. "I'm sorry you found out about my ex like this. If I had told you sooner..."

"Izzy- beating yourself up doesn't change anything, and it makes me unhappy. I told you to tell me about your ex when you're ready." Her tone was kind, gentle, but her smile was all wrong, lips tugged taut in a wobbly curve. He had coaxed a surfeit of genuine smiles from Amy, often without trying, so this forced effort stung- but served as a reminder of what he had allowed himself to want.

"I'll never be ready," he replied. "But... I want to take care of you- of us. And... I don't know how, but... I want to become someone who can confide in others."

It was awful, this urge to grow. It wasn't that long ago that he wanted to push Amy away, wanted to return to an academic life devoid of major emotions and connections. He had his parents. He had Joe. What other relationships did he need?

At some point, he began to want to reach for Amy. Still, he clung to that old attitude, as if to shield his pride, as if wanting to connect with her was a temporary aberration, a whimsical slice of a stoic man's life. But now...

Now, he wanted to be her partner, wanted everything that went with that... And was terribly aware of what he lacked, of the chasm sundering his desires and his abilities.

Amy patted the spot beside her, and Izzy obeyed. The mattress sank when he sat, nudging him into her. She wrapped an arm around him, and he rested his head on her shoulder. "It's alright," she murmured. "It's going to be okay."

Visceral panic seized Izzy as heat and liquid rose in his eyes. "I, I think I'm frightened," he admitted. Then, catching himself in a lie, he corrected, "I know I am."

Amy squeezed him closer. "I'm sorry... Is it too painful?"

"It's not pain- not exactly." Izzy paused, searching for the most accurate words- and the will to speak them. "It's more... I'm still so ashamed of myself. I value your high opinion of me so much." Izzy hadn't withheld details thus far with the intention of tricking Amy into loving a false version of him. But what if the same event that shattered his self-esteem changed how she saw him, too?

Amy ran her fingers through his hair, a gentle caress. "I think the world of you. I'm on your side. That won't change, okay?"

Izzy nodded, then took a cautious sip from his cup. It was warm and sweet, soothing. He managed a weak smile, appreciative of the effort Amy made to make things easier for him- and of what those efforts said about her feelings. Who would he trust: Amy, or the old, loathed fears skulking in his head? When he posed the question to himself, the answer was simple:

He believed in Amy.

And so, he made himself as comfortable as he could, pressed against her side with his hands wrapped around his cup. "I suppose I should begin by telling you what I was like in high school... And what Shauna was like. I escaped general notice, except for academic achievements. Occasionally, someone would call me a nerd, but..."

He forced a tiny smile, which Amy mirrored. "If the shoe fits?"

"Correct," Izzy agreed, with exaggerated precision. "Joe and I kept each other company while focusing on our own pursuits. It wasn't much different than things are now, except... I suppose... I was more willing to interact with people who approached me."

"What do you mean?"

"Sometimes, classmates would ask me for help with math or science classes, or with tech questions. I didn't go out of my way to socialize, but I was friendly with students interested in computers. When I was approached, I didn't…"

Izzy paused. He hadn't forgotten how difficult he made it for Amy to engage him early on, nor how standoffish he was with Tai, Mimi, and the others. He shifted, miserably guilty, but unable to change what had passed.

"I didn't push away. And, sometime in junior year, Shauna started speaking with me."

Amy frowned. "Like, randomly?"

Izzy took another pull from his cup. "As it turns out, no. But that's how it seemed at the time."

Her brow furrowed, enhancing her impression of puzzled disapproval. "What? I, I don't..."

A dark grin spread across Izzy's face. He felt like a comedian telling a sordid story with a humorous angle, or someone writing a click bait title. You won't believe what happened next...

"I beg your pardon," he said dryly. "Clarity will eventually fall."

She placed her hand on his knee and squeezed. "Izzy..."

Sensing that his dark humor was upsetting her, Izzy shifted to more objective narration. "Shauna began approaching me during lunch. I had never spoken to her before, and I had no idea how to engage her, or why she was talking to me. After a few days of this, Joe suggested that she was likely interested in me, which seemed asinine. How could she be, if she didn't know me? I tried not to dwell on it, but one day... She asked me if I'd like to go on a date."

Amy's eyebrows bounced, then furrowed again. Izzy wished he could guess what she was thinking. He didn't want to upset her by speaking about his ex, but... How was he supposed to avoid that? Without realizing, he placed more body weight on her, already exhausted.

"Obviously, agreeing was my first mistake. Joe said that sometimes, people want to date based on attraction alone, so I assumed that was why she asked me out, even though I couldn't conceive of someone finding me desirable on sight. And Shauna..."

Izzy hesitated, recalling Joe's advice. How could he explain why he agreed to date his ex without mentioning her merits to his current girlfriend? "She's gorgeous," Amy supplied flatly. "And captivating."

Izzy's muscles stiffened, rigor mortis incarcerating the living. He unclenched his jaw with ridiculous effort. "I managed to reach my junior year without knowing the names of most of my classmates, but even I knew Shauna. She was practically venerated, and... She seemed so nice. Of course, I know now that she can manufacture any impression she pleases. But back then... I had no reason not to trust her. I was curious about dating, and like a fool... I enjoyed the attention."

"You don't have to justify it," Amy said stiffly.

"Forgive me. Are you alright?"

"I'm fine," she replied, not looking at him.

Izzy placed a hand on her knee, hoping to comfort. "With respect... The goal here is to air everything out. And if you're hurting, I want to know." Even Izzy knew that his story thus far could potentially elicit a range of upsetting thoughts and emotions in Amy. Understanding what she was thinking was paramount to preventing further pain.

"I don't want to distract you from your story-"

"It's your story, too."

She looked at him at last, her expression unreadable. Finally, she released a long breath and said, "I... Guess you're right. I just... You dated her, just like that? I can't help but be jealous. It was so hard for us to get together."

Izzy's hand curled, softly indenting her skin. "I know. I'm so sorry you... That this impacts you so much. Hopefully, this at least explains some of it." As mortifying as it was to know he hurt Amy by pushing her away, as much as he regretted it, what was done was done. The best he could do was try to grow beyond that behavior, to ensure he never hurt her like that again.

Amy still seemed a little stiff, lacking in animation and expression. But she nodded and said, "So, you started dating. Then what?"

"At first, I took her on typical high school dates. I can't say we clicked, but she was pleasant, and the situation was novel. I enjoyed myself well enough. One night, I mentioned that my mother's version of the dish I chose at a restaurant was much better. Shauna asked to..." Izzy paused, horribly aware of the quagmire he was about to step into.

"I know," Amy murmured to her knees. "I know Shauna went to your house."

Izzy nodded, relieved to be spared saying it. "At first, my parents were overjoyed to meet her. I don't think they expected me to date any more than I did. Shauna was polite and charming around them, and she was rapturous about my mother's cooking. She always took some home, too. Shauna began to request going to my home instead of going out on dates. It seemed a bit odd, but frankly, I'm more comfortable at home, and my parents enjoyed having her. So, I'd help her with her homework, we'd have dinner, and before long, she began staying in a guest room overnight."

Amy cocked an eyebrow, finally offering a clear emotion. "Her parents were okay with that?"

"She said that her parents were often away on business, and she didn't like being home alone. My mother wanted to meet her parents, since their child was so often in her care, but there was always some reason why that couldn't happen."

"Then, one day, both my parents went out when Shauna was over, and..." Izzy cleared his throat. How could he spend as little time on this subject as possible? "I have no interest in elaborating, but- We were physical if the house was empty."

Amy didn't flinch, not exactly. Still, her rise in tension registered, pressed together as they were. "I'm sorry," Izzy breathed. "Are you alright?"

"I shouldn't- You're trying to tell me-" Amy broke off, then fell silent. "I, I'm sorry. It's just... I feel like she got everything I want so easily, and... You didn't love her. Did you?"

If he weren't concerned about potentially belittling Amy's pain, Izzy would have snorted. "I was fond of her, but there was no particular connection or emotional intimacy. And the longer we were together, the more I noticed that she wasn't as kind as she seemed. What I felt for her wasn't anything like… Like the esteem I have for you. But... you're right. For so long, I've allowed what she did to impact how I treated you. They say once bitten, twice shy, but... In my case, I believe I'm several multiples more shy than twice."

Amy placed her cup on the floor, then wrapped both arms around him. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't..."

"No," Izzy said gently. "Please, feel how you feel. I've put you through so much... But, at least, I want you to know what happened."

"Alright." Amy kissed him somewhere above his ear. "I'm listening."

Izzy pressed on, hurrying past the topic of sex- and knowing, bitterly, that it would come up again. "Things went on like that for a while- Shauna coming over frequently, I mean. But, at some point, I noticed that my parents seemed... Less happy to have her around."

"How so?"

Izzy winced and took a deep drink from his cup, savoring the sweetness. "It's... difficult to explain. Mom used to ask after her, compliment her, cook her favorite food, send her home with leftovers. My father used to engage her over dinner. Over time, that stopped. Nothing ugly happened, but... the welcome dimmed. I noticed the shift in mood, but didn't understand it."

"But your parents are so kind," Amy said. "Did something happen?"

With a hollow laugh, Izzy nuzzled his head against hers. "I didn't know at the time- my parents didn't tell me until after the breakup- but Shauna stole from them. Food, mostly, but also household goods."

Amy jerked, rocking him with her. "What!" she squealed. "She stole from your mom?! But- your mom fed her and let her sleep over and welcomed her!"

"Yes," Izzy sighed. "Despite my house's age, it has a security system. There are cameras on the outside, specifically one over the garden. My mother's produce began vanishing, so my parents watched the footage. When they saw Shauna taking produce, they assumed that she was also stealing the missing items from the fridge, pantry, and so on."

Amy gaped at him, jaw drooping with astonishment. "I, I don't... Why? I'm sure if she wanted some produce, your mom would share."

Izzy sighed. Truthfully, he would prefer not to sympathize with Shauna… But he understood why she stole food. "I'll get there," he promised.

Amy rubbed her forehead, looking dazed. "Um... Okay? So, your parents started acting cool towards Shauna."

"Right. And then, my mother suggested that Shauna come over only once per week, since she still hadn't met her parents. I knew Shauna wouldn't react well, since she was so fond of coming over. When I told her..."

Izzy paused, momentarily ripped back in time. One moment, his beautiful girlfriend was holding his hand and smiling, chatting about her day after school in the parking lot. The next, she was screaming, a meltdown the likes of which he'd never seen. She spewed insults and accused Izzy and his parents of hating her with a rage that stupefied him. Then, like flipping a terrifying switch, she begged to be able to visit daily, but what could Izzy do? It was his parents' house, not his. He apologized profusely, then fled in his car.

"Something changed after that," Izzy continued, returning to the present. "I thought that she'd want me to buy her something as an apology, which had happened before. Instead..." He paused, suddenly realizing how tired he was, how heavy he felt. "Would you mind if we lie down?"

Amy nodded, so he placed both cups on his desk and stood. She slid onto his bed, and he followed. When he reached for her, she cuddled into him.

They lay there for a while, cozied together, growing steadily warm beneath the covers. At last, Izzy kissed her collarbone, grateful for the peace and comfort she provided, just by being beside him. "I assumed she would still be furious the next day," he continued, "but she apologized for her breakdown and was extra affectionate."

"Can I ask you something?" Izzy nodded, so Amy continued, "You mentioned that she wanted you to buy her things? Was that common? And you expected her to sulk?"

Izzy sighed. "Yes. In retrospect, Shauna was taking advantage of me in... more ways than I care to admit. If I misstepped at all, she would harp on it and demand reparation, almost always in the form of an expensive gift, but sometimes in the form of favors, like helping her with a school project or driving her and her friends somewhere."

As a former TA, Izzy recognized that Amy had the air of a student who genuinely wanted to understand a teacher's lecture, but only heard gibberish. "You... were okay with that?"

"Frankly, I had no baseline for what was normal in a relationship. When she told me I had erred, I believed her, and wanted to make it better. It sounds so foolish," he sighed. "But... she was convincing." Wisely, Izzy decided against mentioning that Shauna went out of her way to reward him in the bedroom after he bought her something, even an apology gift. Somehow, he knew it would fail to please.

"I should have known better," Izzy summarized. "I didn't."

Amy stared at his face, her gaze heavy and complicated. Izzy fought the urge to shrink back. Could she know, somehow, that he was editing the story? Nothing he had said was false. He was simply avoiding the subject of sex.

"So she was being extra nice," Amy prompted, and Izzy grabbed the lifesaver she tossed him and clung.

"Mm. And, the next time we were... intimate... She said that she... loved me."

Amy gripped his hip, and Izzy offered a weak smile. She knew he avoided the phrase 'I love you,' and that his ex was the cause. "You remember speaking about this before."

"Yeah. You okay?"

"It's best to tell you everything," Izzy said, side-stepping the question. "I don't remember what I said the first time, but it wasn't those words. After that, Shauna kept slipping that phrase in, and... You know I'm not terribly socially adept, but even I noticed the pressure to say it back. Eventually, she started growing irritable and distant, even though she kept slipping those words in. I didn't want to disappoint her, didn't want another meltdown, and so... Finally, one day, after we... finished... She said she loved me, and I reciprocated."

Amy's hands slid beneath his shirt, warming his skin. "I'm sorry," she murmured. "I just- I can't figure out where this story is going?"

"That's fair," Izzy allowed. "I surely didn't see it coming. The next day, at school, Shauna dragged me to her friends' lunch table. Joe followed- we always ate together, so I suppose he wanted to see where I was going? Regardless, Shauna stood me in front of her friends and asked if I loved her. I stalled- as you can imagine, I was embarrassed to be put on the spot. But I didn't see how I could deny it, since I said it the night before, and I wanted to leave, so I said that I loved her."

"And then... Amy. I wish I could describe it to you..." Izzy's lapse was language based, not a failure of memory. He could hear it still, even when he wasn't trying to. "It was a din of groaning, jeering, laughter. Shauna's friends were from well-off families, and they started handing Shauna what looked like large sums of cash. I was so confused and lost, but... Joe hauled me away. Just like... Just like today."

Amy lifted herself with an elbow and gripped his wrist. Her expression suggested that she feared he might vanish if untethered. "Izzy, I- I'm so sorry, but I just... I don't understand."

"I didn't either," Izzy murmured. "And when I tried to talk to Shauna at school, she was cold. I asked her to explain, said she owed me that much. But we weren't in any of the same classes, and lunch was the only time I could approach her... And when I tried, her table laughed."

"It was clear that we weren't together anymore, but I needed to know what had happened. So... Well, I broke into the school's digital records and found Shauna's address. I drove to her home after school, and... Well, I was surprised to find that she lived in a trailer park. I don't mean to judge- it's just that Shauna projected an image of having come from a well-off family. When I knocked on her door, no one answered. It was unlocked, so I announced myself and let myself in."

"The door opened to a kitchen and living area, and... It was filthy. The stench…! There was a woman in a stupor on the couch, and... She was using."

"Using?" Amy asked. "Like... drugs?"

Izzy swallowed hard. It wasn't until after he visited Shauna's home that he realized how sheltered he was. His parents sometimes had a glass of wine with dinner, and they enjoyed a cocktail or two at his mother's food industry events. That was the most he knew about substances. He wasn't sure what the woman on the couch- presumably Shauna's mother- was on, but her glazed, unseeing eyes, the discarded needles, and the empty bottles pointed in that direction.

"Yes. I stepped back outside and called for Shauna. She entered the living area from a room in the back of the trailer, and..."

He knew his whole body had tensed, but what could he do? He still vividly recalled the rage on Shauna's face. "She was beyond livid. She shoved me aside and got into my car. I didn't know what else to do, so I took the driver's seat."

"She started screaming that we were through. She... she said that she had never loved me, and that she had... That she slept with other... She wasn't really dating me. It, it seems... Her friends were bored at a party, and were gossiping about our classmates for entertainment. My name came up, and... Apparently, some kids joked that I was a robot. Shauna's friends wondered if..."

Izzy tried to dam his shame, but an avalanche cannot be contained. Logically, he knew Shauna's friends were being immature and cruel, and that their words reflected on them more than him. But, to have been a pawn, for no other reason than that some well-off kids were bored... To know he was judged so stringently for simply keeping to himself...

"They wondered if I was human- if the tin man had a heart."

Amy stared, mouth hanging, flabbergasted. "Izzy, I don't- What a pile of shit?"

"I know," Izzy muttered. He tried for annoyance, but his eyes were stinging, his face was heating. "It's all so asinine, but... Shauna bet her friends that she could make me love her. Apparently, they took this as, as some kind of amusing dare."

Amy seemed to be experiencing difficulty breathing. A worrisome choking sounded deep in her throat, and she scrambled into an upright sitting position, bumping Izzy aside. He looked up in time to see a tear slip from her eye. "A bet?!" she cried. "A fucking- she did that to you- for money?!"

"Amy," Izzy whispered. He sat up with her and wound an arm around her shoulders. All this time, he had expected Amy to look down on him for falling into this trap as much as he did. Instead, she buried her face in the crook of his neck and cried. He wanted to soothe her, to say that he was fine now... But he wasn't. Even after all this time, the experience left him feeling stripped, naked in a way he couldn't verbalize.

Amy eased away from him and wiped her face with her sleeve. Izzy grabbed the box of tissues from his desk and offered it to her. She blew her nose, then said, "I'm so sorry. You're still trying to tell your story."

"It's alright. Frankly... While I never want you to cry, I appreciate your concern for me."

She sniffled, then asked, "Did Shauna... How did she defend herself?"

Izzy winced, knowing that Amy wouldn't like this any more than the last bit. "I asked her how she could do that to someone- be so intimate with them for months, without any affection. She said that she got money, and I... I got sex."

For a moment, Izzy wondered if actual steam might pour from Amy's ears. Instead, her eye twitched, hard, and she slapped a palm over it. "You didn't know you were involved with sex work! It was supposed to be a relationship!"

"I pointed out as much. Shauna maintained that it was a relationship- I had her time, attention, and sex. Then, when she no longer wanted to provide them, she broke it off."

Amy tsked, a sound that managed to encapsulate utter disgust. "So it wasn't a real relationship when she bragged about sleeping around, but it was a real relationship the moment you pointed out how shitty she was to you? God, she'd win the Olympic games in mental gymnastics."

Izzy blinked. An intense, exquisite relief washed over him when Amy verbalized how hypocritical and self-serving Shauna's logic was. It stirred thought past the old, congealed hurts surrounding these memories, allowing the budding of clarity. How could I have anticipated greed and desperation so overpowering that they could push someone to these behaviors? The fact that I couldn't only speaks in my favor.

"Her goal, I think, was to absolve herself, all while intentionally hurting me more. Shauna started taking digs- listing the other boys she had slept with while we were together, saying what she... what she really thought of me. I, I felt myself starting to fall apart, so I asked her to get out of the car. She did, and I drove to the nearest parking lot and... and cried."

"Izzy..." Amy cupped his face and thumbed away a tear from his eye. Izzy breathed in and was alarmed by how wet and hitching it was. "I'm so, so sorry. Thank god you didn't get anything from her..."

Izzy got tested after visiting Shauna's house- and was frankly shocked when the results were clean. Still, to be safe, both he and Amy had gotten tested on campus a few weeks into dating. Shauna had wounded him emotionally and mentally, but his body, at least, was unscathed.

"Are you okay?" Amy asked. She eased him into a hug, and Izzy breathed a hiccupy laugh against her collarbone.

"I'm afraid I'm not finished." She twitched, and perversely, he smiled, amused.

"You broke up. What else could there be?"

"Well," Izzy sighed. "I'm afraid that visiting Shauna was a misstep. I had no intention of ruining her image as a child from a well-off family. Even if I did, why would anyone believe me? They would assume I was retaliating against her."

"People must have thought that Shauna's bet was terrible," Amy protested. "She must have already lost all face at school."

Despite how weary and heartsore he felt, Izzy's smile widened. "I'd love to live in a world that aligns with your assumptions. Sadly, that isn't what happened. The student body viewed it as a caper at the expense of a nerdy kid. And, I imagine, it seemed like no real harm was done. On the contrary, for a while, I was able to date her- something many boys dearly wanted."

"She hurt you," Amy whispered.

"And yet, there I was, the same as ever. But Shauna despised me for knowing the truth- that she came from an unstable home. I told no one, but she punished me, regardless."

Amy groaned and cupped her forehead with her palm. "What more could she have done?"

Izzy found himself squeezing her hand. He had finally come to one of the worst, most mortifying parts of the story. He almost wished he had allowed Amy to assume that everything ended with the breakup... But he couldn't afford to risk letting anything else linger.

"I'm... not attractive," he began.

Amy's hand jerked away from her forehead. Her eyes narrowed, but she looked as confused as suspicious. "I love how you look."

The very corner of his mouth twitched up. "Correction: I'm not conventionally attractive. Since we were active, and she seemed... I thought she enjoyed it, at the time... I assumed Shauna was at least tolerably attracted to me. But the day after I confronted her at the trailer, rumors began circulating at school. Shauna was apparently repulsed by how short and thin I am. She gossiped to our classmates about…"

His throat was tight, like a pinched straw. He cleared it, but the blockage remained. Amy's eyes were watering again, and she wrapped her arms around him.

"She, um... She was quite colorful about my body, and about how I... performed in bed. And, perhaps worst of all..."

"You're cute," Amy murmured into his hair. "You're cute and handsome and lovely."

Inexplicably, Izzy laughed. He wasn't calm enough to notice the hysterical quality to it. "What I am is curious," he said. "It's so... I didn't think not to trust her..."

"No one could have seen this coming." Amy stroked his back beneath his shirt and kissed his temple.

"I know," Izzy replied, spent, hanging in her embrace like a rag doll. "Shauna kept initiating sex, so... I asked to try things. Whenever she said no, I accepted it, and never pushed. I had no idea that she was so repulsed when I asked..."

"It's okay," Amy murmured. "I won't judge you."

Izzy felt his body stiffen. "Ah- Well- I trust you're familiar with the prostate."

Amy blinked. Her face went carefully neutral, and Izzy couldn't help it- he cracked a smile. Bemused, she said, "Ah- I'm familiar, yes, but not acquainted."

"Fair," Izzy replied. "My understanding is that many people are content to remain in that position. But... Well..."

His amusement faded, and he glanced aside, desperately not looking at his girlfriend. "Well... Prostate stimulation is supposedly... um, pleasurable. It, ah, always seemed too difficult and undignified to try it myself, but I figured... Now that I had a partner... But Shauna said no, and I dropped it."

"She told everyone," Amy said flatly. Izzy nodded.

"It went about as you'd imagine among a crowd of teens. Suddenly, kids who had left me alone before were..." Izzy wanted to sound angry, so desperately. Instead, shame flooded him. He knew there was nothing wrong with wanting to explore his body, but...

"Lots of crude jokes were made at my expense." He couldn't bring himself to elaborate. What would it accomplish, besides upsetting them both? "On top of that, kids started taunting me for being homosexual."

Poor Amy circumnavigated the world of visible emotion in roughly ten seconds before landing on an umbraged bafflement. "What?! It's cruel to make fun of someone's orientation- and anyway, you were having sex with a girl!"

In almost any other circumstance, Izzy would have laughed at her circus of facial expressions. Sadly, all he could do was stare dully at her. "I'm afraid my peers weren't interested in approaching this logically- or compassionately. It was all butt jokes and homophobic comments for the remainder of high school. I hoped that, when I graduated, I would leave that behind me. But many of my classmates went here, since the in-state tuition is comparatively reasonable. I'm afraid that I've heard the old names here."

Those brown eyes shifted as Amy summoned her memory. When she landed on the desired information, she grimaced. "Like Scarecrow."

"That's one of the mild ones, but yes." Izzy's recollection of running into Michael with Amy was hazy, owing to the shock and dread that had propelled his body through the encounter like some stunned meat puppet. He couldn't remember much of what he told Amy after, either. "Michael was one of the kids in on the bet," he offered. He was also one of the people Shauna cheated on him with, but Izzy saw little point in upsetting Amy with that tidbit.

And, in a voice as sweet as birdsong, Amy cried, "Ugh! Fuck him!" Izzy snorted with surprised mirth, but Amy didn't seem to hear. "Figures. He was such a self-satisfied jerk, and we only talked to him for a minute or two. I'm so sorry all of this happened to you. It's just such- such idiocy-"

Izzy forced a smile and reached up, tucking a lock of hair behind her ear. "Amy, please. While I appreciate your feelings on my behalf, I don't want to upset you."

Slowly, Amy uncurled her fisted hands and steadied her shallow, houfy breathing. She sighed, then squished them even closer together. "I can't not be upset. I can't believe- I realize that Shauna probably wanted to escape- Our situations seem really different, but I know what it's like to want to escape home. But to hurt someone else, just for money to get there… And then to gossip about you after? I just…"

Although he was already uncomfortably squished, Izzy squeezed back. Even now, there were days where his brain cycled through those same questions. "It beggars belief," Izzy supplied. "But I'm comforted that you feel that way."

"How could I not? It's just so awful. I'm sorry I asked you to talk about this."

"You didn't," Izzy said. "I offered, and I should have told you earlier, since it impacts you."

"Is there anything I can do for you?" Amy asked. "Like, to make it easier?"

Thankfully, she probably couldn't see his feeble smile. "Just be with me. It helps more than I can say."

"I'm glad, but… Um, I don't want to tell you what to do, but..." Amy paused, as if to steel herself, and kissed the top of his head. "All of this? I'm no expert, but it sounds like trauma, and, and, it's okay to- I think it's natural to need help, after that. Um, did you know our campus has mental health resources? I've been looking into it, and students can see the counselors here for free for a few sessions, and I can go with you, if you're nervous- I mean, I want to try it, and I'm nervous-"

Amy's speaking pace and pitch increased as she went, until she began to sound like a chipmunk on fast forward. "Amy," Izzy interrupted- partially out of concern, and partially to spare his ears.

"I'm, I'm sorry. I just… I can see all the stuff eating at me, recently? And I, I want…"

Izzy extricated himself enough to look at Amy, to read her tight, twitchy expression. "It's alright," he murmured. He couldn't say that he wanted therapy- in fact, the suggestion set his teeth on edge. But now that Amy brought it up, Izzy wondered how he had failed to consider it before.

Izzy knew what he wanted, had stated it verbatim at the opening of this discussion: "I want to take care of you- of us. And... I don't know how, but... I want to become someone who can confide in others." Therapy seemed like the most direct, intentional path to that end. Still, he felt clammy and defiant at the thought of opening up to a stranger about all of this. He had barely managed with Amy!

And yet…

It was awful, this urge to grow.

"Alright," Izzy breathed. "Alright. Would you care to research our options now?"

Amy's expression suggested that he might have turned purple or grown a spare limb. "Really? I, I thought- It's not an easy decision-"

"Normally, I'd agree. But… I told you that I want to take care of us. I'm serious about that. And, if you don't mind my saying so, you have your own trauma. If my going encourages you to go… So much the better."

When Amy continued to gape, Izzy cracked a reluctant smile. "And, if you don't mind, I would love to move away from our previous topic."

She snorted, then laughed, a weak, wet version of her typical levity. "Even therapy is preferable to your ex, huh? Can't say I blame you."

Izzy rose, moved the spare chair to his desk for Amy, sat, and turned on his computer. As Amy sat, she brushed his hand. "Um, Izzy? S-sorry if this is abrupt. I just- I want you to know- You, you know I'm really… inexperienced, sexually. And, um, I don't know what I like and don't like. But, um, if it's with you… I'd be willing to at least try most things."

Izzy stared at his university's web page, watching familiar images pop up from the cache. He recognized that Amy was verbally reaching for him, but he couldn't seem to look at her, let alone bridge the gap. "I won't push for anything," he muttered. Heat rushed to his face, and he had no idea if it was born of shame or embarrassment.

"You never have. But I really want to know what you'd like to try."

He still couldn't turn towards her, but he found her knee and squeezed. "You're not…" He couldn't bring himself to say disgusted, to entertain that Amy could feel that way about him. "Put off by…"

"Butt stuff?" Her impish tone made Izzy whirl towards her, and he managed a frazzled laugh at her teasing grin and sparkling eyes. "I can't say I've ever thought about it, but if it gets me in your pants-"

Something snapped, and suddenly, Izzy was laughing, throwing his weight on Amy's knee for support. She embraced him as best she could from a desk chair, and Izzy clung, as helpless in his laughter as he might have been in tears. Though they seemed opposite responses, the sensation of release, of relief, was similar. And when he quieted at last and placed his head on her shoulder, his exhaustion rivaled the ending of a crying fit.

"Very well," he rasped. He cleared his throat, then continued, "I recognize that we've already waited a while, but given our histories, if you don't mind… Perhaps we should touch in with our therapists before we…"

Amy cradled his face in her hands and stared. By now, that glazed dreaminess that overtook her eyes when she employed her instincts no longer distressed Izzy. He waited, letting her see whatever she saw.

Her soft smile announced the shift back to normal. "Okay. Then can we set appointments up now?"

Her earnestness, the sudden lack of teasing, escalated the impact of her request. "Alright," Izzy squeaked. She released him, and Izzy scrambled towards his computer, searching for student mental health resources.

They were silent for some time as Izzy navigated the site. When Amy spoke at last, Izzy twitched. "By the way- you said you were afraid that I'd think less of you? I don't. In fact, I'm more impressed than ever. I've been chewing over starting therapy for weeks, and you're jumping in so easily."

Izzy turned away from the list of campus therapist profiles. "I'm remiss," he murmured. "I've neglected to ask how you're feeling."

And her face was like a kaleidescope once more, shifting through emotions. "I'm furious that this happened to you. I don't feel normal- I think you're right that changing the subject is a good idea, for now. Because I keep thinking- if I had met you first, things could be so different for both of us. I'm so jealous of what she received from you, and so… Bereft? That she hurt you in ways that make it harder for you to be with me. I feel like- Like she's the enemy? But I'd rather… I want to support you and get us the help we need, not… Just… Sit around hating on her and wishing for things I can't… I can't change."

"So, therapy," Izzy summarized. "Amy, I- I can't apologize enough for how… How difficult I've made this relationship."

"I don't need or want apologies," Amy replied. "And I really don't want you to feel guilty. What I need is to move forward- with you."

And suddenly, somehow, after enduring this discussion without crying, Izzy's eyes stung. He wiped them, then breathed in and out, an exercise Joe taught him years ago. "I want that too," he said at last, when the urge to fall apart was past.

He didn't expect her bright smile, which blurred as a few treacherous tears slipped his control. "That's why it's gonna be okay."

Izzy sniffled, nodded, and directed her attention to the openings for therapy.

Author's Notes: My favorite bit of this update is the repetition of the word "want," especially towards the opening and the closing. Want, want, want.

Finally, Izzy's desire is absolutely stronger than every fear, more driving than any wound. Remember Izzy's fortune cookie way back in chapter 10, Dying by Inches? "May your desire be always greater than your fear." Sometimes, you just gotta want something enough to push past that fear of the work, the vulnerability, the risk of failure, and the uncertainty that come with making a big change. And you have to trust yourself, too- and the people around you who want to offer support.

Finally, I feel reassured that these two kids have what they need to move forward- although, after all this time, they've really just worked their way up to that first step!

There's a little more to the Shauna story. After that, Four Years will take a break while I return to Tri: Integrity Lens. And when we return to Four Years, Izzy and Amy will be focusing on therapy in the background, while the rest of the crew take over.

Thank you for reading, and for finally seeing what happened with Shauna! I know it's super DRAMATIQUE, but I blame 2012 Hidden. Please do share your thoughts- we've come a long way together on this story!