"Why are you two even here? Do you have no self-respect? Can you truly think of no better way to spend a weekend?" asked Sirius in disbelief.
"Mum insisted, alright? We're not backing down, man. Accept your fate," said Bill as he gathered all the cleaning supplies from the cabinet under the kitchen sink.
Sirius swung around to face Tonks, who was sitting on top of the bench, legs dangling over the edge.
"She isn't even your mother! What's your excuse?"
"Had nothing better to do, honestly. I have no life outside of work these days," she said with a shrug, as if she wasn't remotely bothered by this fact.
He looked at her, mouth open, shaking his head. She looked amused at his frustration. He rounded back on Bill.
"You're a grown adult, Bill. How can you allow your mother to rule over your life like this?"
Bill turned his head from where he was crouching and looked at Sirius incredulously. "It's one favor! She does not 'rule over my life,' you wanker. I didn't even want to do this but she just started going on about how I left the country for seven years and how nice it would be if the house was finished by the holidays and… it all went a bit hazy from there," he said, looking absently into the middle distance and cringing.
"Pathetic," said Sirius, shaking his head. "You're absolutely pathetic, the both of you."
"Are you going to spend the entire day whinging or are you going to help?" chirped Tonks from the counter.
Sirius huffed, crossing his arms. "It's not as if I have anywhere else to be."
"That's the spirit," said Tonks, hopping down from the counter and slapping Sirius on the back jovially.
"Where's Remi?" asked Bill, standing with an armful of supplies and a bucket.
"Oh no, we are not bothering him with this. He's sick in bed and that's where he's bloody well going to stay," he said sternly.
"Poor Remus," said Tonks sadly. "These transformations really take it out of him, huh?"
"I can't imagine," said Bill. "I wish there was something we could do to help."
"Just try to keep it down when we go upstairs, alright?" he said, annoyed on Remus' behalf at the show of pity that he knew he would hate.
When he was alerted to the presence of people in the house, he had half been expecting a visit from Dumbledore. He had been none too happy after news of Sirius' little outing to King's Cross Station had gotten out. Or so it had been explained to him by both Kingsley and Moody who had taken it upon themselves separately to tell him what a reckless fool he was. He was yet to get chastised by Dumbledore personally. He didn't know if it was coming or not. He supposed the man had enough to deal with after everything they'd heard about the changes that horrible Umbridge woman was implementing at the school.
He was pleasantly surprised to see Tonks and Bill instead, as much as he was giving them grief for their reasons for being there. Things were tense between him and many of the other Order members at the moment, but these two still regularly stayed back after any formal proceedings, often along with Dung. Occasionally Moody too, who was a little more forgiving of Sirius than others after he felt he had sufficiently chewed him out.
He and Remus both found the whole thing rather amusing. They had discussed it in the week before the full moon.
"This place is becoming quite the social hub. You would think people in their twenties would have better places to be on a Friday night. I certainly wouldn't come here voluntarily," he'd joked after Tonks, Bill, and Mundungus had finally departed. Well. Half joked.
"What about Dung?" Remus had asked.
"Oh no, he's a criminal degenerate. He absolutely belongs with us."
Remus laughed. "He's probably thrilled that Molly and Arthur have gone back home until the holidays. Nobody left who gives a shit if he nicks the silverware."
"He can take what he wants. There's only one thing in this house I really want around," he said with a sly smile.
"Buckbeak will be pleased to know you feel that way," smirked Remus.
Things had been easy between the two of them. It was strange. It was exciting. There had been moments over the months since their reunion. He knew Remus felt it too. After they finally put it to words though, it changed something. Subtle moments had become blatant flirting when they were alone.
They were walking a fine line and Sirius, for the life of him, couldn't find the right moment to cross it. It was still fragile and they both knew it. He was working on it. He had been better the past couple of weeks. Not drinking. Not isolating himself. Not being such a fucking mess all the time.
Truthfully, it wasn't even for Remus' sake that he was doing all those things. Not only for Remus' sake, at least.
Molly and Arthur had left a few days after the kids returned to school, needing to tend to their own home and make some effort to appear to go about their lives as normal. After all, it was one thing to disappear for the holidays. It was another to leave your neighbors wondering why you had vanished completely. They did not need that kind of attention, so they would only be returning to headquarters for meetings, along with everyone else. Though Molly still popped in to make the occasional dinner, particularly in the days leading up to Remus' transformation. She was about as touchy with Sirius as she ever was, but she still insisted he eat with them too. Even he was capable of recognizing that as a sweet gesture. And Arthur sometimes came by if he had an overnight guard shift at the Ministry and didn't want to bother Molly by leaving in the middle of the night. It was still a significant decline in Weasley activity in the house, generally speaking.
Suddenly things were just… easier. He no longer felt like he was being watched all the time. No longer had to contend with the constant concerned glances. The routine bickering and passive aggressive jabs from between him and Molly that were so exacerbated by close quarters. The kids all walking on eggshells around him.
He knew it was his fault that they were all like that. He was the one who had been acting crazy. He was the one who just couldn't keep his fucking mouth shut and not pick fights. He'd become particularly aware of that after Molly's incident with the Boggart provided an unpleasantly blunt reminder that he was not the only person on edge. He forgot that sometimes.
The house still functioned as Order headquarters, so there were people coming and going constantly, but for a good deal of the time it was just him and Remus. When Remus had Order work to take care of, and when he had returned to his property for his transformation, it had just been Sirius. He hadn't expected that to be such a relief.
Maybe Remus was right and he was far more of an introvert than he or anyone else ever gave him credit for. Or maybe twelve years of isolation had just broken his brain. Or both.
Yeah, probably both.
Still, he missed Harry. He was worried about him. He felt awful that he'd been such an unpleasant person to be around when the kid was going through so much. He was very relieved that Harry was still writing to him to seek help and guidance. He was glad to have the chance to give it, even if Remus was non to impressed by his decision to pop his head into the Gryffindor common room, as it were.
He took Tonks and Bill to a second drawing room on the same floor as the master bedroom that they had only done the basics in. Doxies removed and generally rid of curses but still an absolute mess. There was a couch sat opposite two armchairs that Sirius remembered as once being exceedingly ornate. The cushioning had long since rotted away, leaving the wooden frames covered only by disgusting looking fabric tatters. His father used to hold meetings in this room with all sorts of unpleasant people.
A mantle at the back of the room held a series of small, ornamental sculptures that Sirius had once taken as a very small child to play with in his room. At some point his father must have noticed they were missing, as they disappeared from Sirius' room and made there way back onto the mantle. Nobody ever said a word to him. He was so young. He didn't think he was in trouble.
The next time he touched them he took Regulus with him to play. They both ended up with excruciating burns extended up their arms from the newly cursed objects. It took weeks for them to go away. It was the last time he ever mistook silence for safety in the presence of his father. They told Regulus it was Sirius' fault he was burned.
"You right, mate?" asked Tonks, placing a hand on his shoulder.
He turned to face her. "Did Dromeda ever tell you much about growing up in the Black family?" he asked, noticing out of the corner of his eye as Bill had glanced up at them from where he was setting up the cleaning supplies, listening in.
Tonks' expression grew very dark. It was a strange look on her. So out of place under the pop of bubble gum pink hair. She nodded. She didn't ask anymore questions and he didn't provide any answers. There was nothing more that needed to be said. Bill looked between the two of them before going back to his work.
"Where should we start?" asked Sirius unenthusiastically as he surveyed the grime.
"Actually," said Tonks, taking her hand from where it still rested on Sirius' shoulder, a conspiratorial grin replacing her previous solemnity, "I thought we could start with something to make this a bit more enjoyable," she said as she reached into her pocket.
When she pulled out her hand, Sirius' eyes widened at the unmistakable sight of three rather hefty joints. Bill jumped up, immediately grabbing one from her hand.
"Tonks, you are too good for us," he said, punching her upper arm genially. He looked at Sirius. "You don't care if we smoke in here, yeah? This room already smells like shit, no offense," he said, pulling out his wand and using it to light up, not waiting for an answer.
Tonks held out her hand to Sirius. He hesitated, glancing up at the roof where he knew Remus was sleeping one floor above them. He'd been so good. What would Remus even think, having weed in the house? The subject hadn't come up. It's not like Sirius was planning to seek it out.
"Sirius, just take it," prompted Tonks. "Lighten up. If anyone's earned a bit of fun, it's you."
He reached out slowly, taking the joint from her hand. As soon as he did so she took the remaining one and tapped her wand to it, inhaling deeply.
Fun. He could do fun. Remus was going to be out for a while yet. He always slept heavily the day after the moon.
Sirius brought the tightly rolled joint up to his own lips. Tonks had touched her wand to the end of it before he had even taken his out. He drew in a breath. It was smoother than he was expecting. Tasted stronger than he remembered. He never really got into any of that other stuff that Remus was into, but this. He had always enjoyed this.
It didn't take much time for Sirius to realize that it didn't taste strong. It was strong. It hit him like a wave in the nicest of ways.
They all sat in a lopsided circle on the ground. Sirius laid down, feeling himself sinking into the floor, incredibly relaxed as gentle breezes of gravity rolled over him and his head buzzed pleasantly.
It wasn't long before him and Tonks were getting lost in conversation. She talked to him about her parents. He wished he could see Dromeda. She was always his favorite family member. The first one who showed him it was possible to get out. He was glad to hear she was doing so well with Ted. That they were as strong together as they ever were. Made sense. He was growing fonder all the time of the kid they had managed to raise.
Tonks' hair kept shifting through vibrant color combinations. So did her eyes. She didn't even seem to be aware it was happening. It was mesmerizing. It took a while for either of them to notice that Bill had been incredibly silent. Sirius was looking distractedly around the room when he noticed him, having almost forgotten he was there.
He was lying very still on the floor. Tonks looked over too when she noticed Sirius staring.
"Wotcher, Bill," she called over to him.
He wordlessly lifted a hand in a gesture of 'hello' without even looking in their direction.
"You doing alright over there?" asked Sirius.
"I have a confession to make," he said slowly and deliberately, still staring intently at the roof.
"Get on with it then," said Tonks, to which Sirius shushed her.
"I know it might tarnish my stellar reputation as the coolest person here-" "Suck me, Weasley," interjected Tonks as Sirius rolled his eyes, "but I'm actually a massive lightweight," finished Bill as if there had been no interruption.
"No shit," deadpanned Sirius as Tonks giggled wildly.
Tonks shuffled over towards Bill where she proceeded to mostly talk at him as he clearly struggled to take in any of what she was saying. Sirius just watched on entertained in between bouts of getting lost in his own thoughts.
"What in the world is going on here?" came a strained voice from the doorway.
Sirius looked around as Tonks called out "Wotcher, Remus!" and Bill sat up suddenly very straight, like a child who had just been caught with his hand in the cookie jar, which funnily enough was very much how Sirius felt. Remus was leaning against the door frame, hands in his pockets, looking as if he might collapse at any moment.
"Hello Tonks," said Remus, tilting his head and shooting Sirius a curious glance. Sirius didn't say anything. He just stared up at Remus with a small, guilty smile.
Remus' head twitched as if he'd just noticed something. He sniffed once. Twice. He looked at both Tonks and Bill with narrowed eyes. Bill met him with a look of faux innocence. Tonks just laughed.
"Sorry about the smell," she chuckled. "Stop looking so nervous, Bill. Mr Responsible probably doesn't even know what it is," she teased.
"Oh?" said Remus with a raised eyebrow, glancing at Sirius, who's guilty smile was becoming a full-on cringe. "So I wouldn't know that you're all completely stoned right now, then?"
Tonks laughed again. Sirius couldn't decipher what was going through Remus' head at all. The poor man just looked exhausted. He needed his rest and now here was Sirius happily allowing a potentially triggering substance into the house. And then smoking it.
"Fuck, Moony, I'm sorry," he said very seriously. "We thought you were asleep still."
Sirius was cut off when Remus started laughing, which caused Tonks to cease her giggling and join the rest of them in staring up at Remus in confusion.
"Relax Pads. I just thought it might be good to cool it on the day drinking. I never said you had to be a bloody nun," he said, shaking his head like he was talking to a child. "What have I done to earn this authoritarian reputation?" he asked looking around the room. "It's not like I'm-"
"A teacher?" interrupted Bill.
"Your mum," shot back Remus.
Sirius couldn't help but laugh at the high pitched, offended little noise that Bill let out. Pretty soon they had all devolved into giggles. Even Remus got caught up in it, though he seemed to be mostly laughing at them rather than with them. When they settled down, Tonks looked back up.
"Remi, come sit down. You look like you're about to spew," she said, patting the floor.
Remus hesitated a moment. Sirius saw something flicker across his face that he didn't think the others would have noticed. He glanced at Sirius very quickly before looking back to Tonks. "Sure," he said. "Why not."
Remus entered the room fully, taking his place on the floor, completing their little circle in between Sirius and Bill, directly across from Tonks. He sat with his back leaning against the ratty old couch. He pulled up his knees, resting his arms on top of them. He seemed a little less pale now that he wasn't on his feet.
He looked around the room. Sirius noticed his eyes falling on the cleaning supplies, then back on the rest of them.
"I'm sorry, but were you all cleaning? What are you two even doing here?"
"Right?" exclaimed Sirius, delighted by a new ally in his petty argument. "They have both voluntarily decided to give up their Saturday to come sanitize this hellhole!"
"That's a bit pathetic," noted Remus.
"That's what I said!" said Sirius probably too loud, punctuating the statement with an aggressive gesture.
"Hey, Remi," said Tonks, ignoring Sirius. Remus looked at her and she reached into her pocket, pulling out another joint and holding it out to him with a mischievous grin.
Sirius looked at Remus, who once again glanced in his direction. Sirius could tell he was uncomfortable, but he hid it well. He was just about to step in and give Remus an out somehow when he spoke.
"No thank you, Tonks," said Remus politely.
"Come on," she said, still holding it out. "You ever had any before?"
Remus snorted at the unexpected question. He looked at Sirius, this time maintaining the eye contact, both of them taking in the absolute absurdity of the situation. They both broke out into laughter as a bewildered Tonks and Bill watched on. Sirius devolved into a full on fit of giggles once more.
"He was the one who introduced the rest of us to it," choked out Sirius eventually. "Brought an ounce of it to school with him at the start of sixth year, smuggled in hidden compartment in his trunk."
"What!" yelled Tonks. "Remus Lupin, every new thing I learn about you just leads to more questions, you mysterious man."
"Is that so, Nymphadora Tonks?" he said with a raised brow, to which she poked out her tongue and flipped him off.
"I snuck a bit of Firewhisky in my final year but I've got to give it to you, that's a bold move," said Bill, rather impressed.
"Yes, well, it was a different time," said Remus evenly. "But really, Tonks, I'll pass," he said, reaching forward and gently pushing back the hand that was still extending the joint.
She shrugged and put it back in her pocket.
"This is what I mean though," said Sirius, gesturing to Bill and hoping that everyone understood he was responding to his last comment. "I think you two are just rubbish at being young people. It's all about bold moves. That's the joy of it. When I was your age-"
"You were in prison by the time you were Tonk's age," Remus pointed out.
"I- well, sure." Sirius closed his eyes for a second, trying to wade through the fog in his head. "Alright, before that then! Moony, you remember. We used to have adventures, not sit around on the weekends wasting our time."
"I'm pretty sure sitting around and getting wasted with fellow Order members is exactly what we used to do with our downtime," said Remus, clearly not understanding the point he was trying to make.
"No! I mean yes, but more than that. We used to- we went out! We went to clubs, to concerts! We had friends for fuck sake. What do either of you even do aside from work and Order business? It's not good. Do you even have friends?" he asked, trying so hard to get this idea across to them and knowing full well it wasn't coming out how he intended.
They had to understand. They just had to. They couldn't make this shit everything. There had to be more.
"Of course I have friends," said Bill huffily and the same time that Tonks shrugged and said, "I have you guys."
"See, that's sad," he said to Tonks. "I'm not trying to be an ass it's just. Fuck, Remus do you get it? Do you get what I'm saying?" he asked, looking at him imploringly.
Remus stared back a moment. "Yeah, I think so," he said eventually. "He's right, Tonks. You can't make the war your entire life." Sirius nodded. Exactly! That's exactly it.
"Yes, thank you! That's what I'm trying to say. You can't make it everything because it will never give you back what you put into it. It only ever takes, Tonks. The war will take. Then one day it will end and you have to have some part of you that exists outside it once it does."
"It's not as if I don't have a career," she said defensively. "Besides, just because the war ends doesn't mean we can't still be friends."
"That's very optimistic of you," scoffed Sirius.
"What? To think we can stay friends?" she replied indignantly. "Gee, thanks. I love a good confidence boost."
"That you think we'll all survive," said Remus quietly, drawing all eyes to him. "That's what he means, Tonks. You can't put off having a real life now because you assume you can do it after the war. None of us even know if there is going to be an after and even if there is, it may not be what you hoped for."
Right. Exactly. That's precisely what he was trying to convey. Only as a deep sense of sadness spread through the room, clawing its way into Sirius' chest and making a nest there, he wondered why the hell he had felt such a burning need to make that point.
Tonks was very quiet. Bill was back to looking like an anxious child.
Remus was just staring at the ground. He was the one who had actually had to make a life in the fallout. Of course he would know what Sirius meant. Why the fuck had he thought this was a good topic of conversation?
"I just-" they all looked at him, "I only meant… just go to a concert or something. Date people. I don't know. Do whatever you want," he finished halfheartedly.
They sat in silence. Sirius ran his hands through his hair. This was not his goal. He should have just shut up and left it alone.
"This is rubbish," said Remus suddenly. "You're all terrible at this. You haven't even cleaned anything!" he said, gesturing the the completely unused bucket and sponges. "If you're going to piss away your day you can at least do it properly."
Remus pulled out his wand and pointed it at the door, mumbling 'Accio.' A few moments later a small blue object came whizzing through the door, right into Remus' outstretched hand. It was a small rectangle box. Remus opened it and pulled out a deck of cards.
Sirius smiled. Tonks seemed to instantly forget any negative feelings and perked right up, reaching forward and snatching the deck out of Remus' hands, to which he just looked amused. She began shuffling them and laying out the rules for the poker match she had unanimously decided they were having. It took until they had all been dealt a hand for Bill to apparently finish processing that they had moved on from the previous conversation.
They played for hours, cycling through various iterations of poker, Go Fish, and a half dozen other games they took turns teaching each other. Within an hour or two they had all pretty much returned to their normal, sober state, for which Sirius was glad.
He felt like he owed Tonks in particular an apology for completely bringing the mood down. Right up until the point she decided it was time to head home and called him a "morose bastard" on her way out with a friendly wink. Clearly he hadn't done too much damage.
Bill followed behind her a second later, offering a quick "Catch you later," and shouting something about getting pizza as he caught up with Tonks.
He and Remus stayed sat on the floor. Remus was looking better than he had done in days. Still fatigued, but lighter somehow. Remus looked over at him. He eyed him up and down, like he wanted to say something but was trying to decide if he should.
"What?" Sirius prompted.
"Nothing," said Remus. A beat. "Are you doing alright? I mean, I know the answer to that is generally no," he joked, "but you've been so much better these past few weeks. What the hell was that earlier?"
Sirius buried his face in his hands and groaned in embarrassment. "I know, I know. I don't know what came over me. I just look at them sometimes. Them and the kids. I think this is why it was just so hard being around Harry," he said softly, only just making the connection as he spoke. "He just looks so much like James… I really believed we were all going to be the ones who came out of the war on top. That we were all going to make it through. So many people were dying but I didn't think it was going to be us. I was afraid of it, but I didn't believe it deep down. I would have made so many different choices if I had known how wrong I was."
"And you can't stand to see them making the same kind of mistakes," finished Remus knowingly. "They're not us, Sirius. We can't predict the future, but right now they're all doing remarkably well under the circumstances."
Sirius nodded. "I had no idea how much this was bothering me but it seems so clear now. I can't believe I've been putting so much of this on everyone else. Those kids are all so much more grounded than I ever was. Even with everything they've already been through."
"I'm pleased you could have this chemically assisted profound revelation," teased Remus gently.
Sirius barked out a short laugh before once again feeling a small shot of guilt. "I'm sorry for springing that on you. I know you'd rather I didn't engage in such things," he said contritely.
"Fuck sake Sirius," said Remus with an affectionate eyeroll. "I told you, I was concerned about you getting piss drunk, alone, at seven in the goddamn morning on a daily basis. I'm really not trying to project my problems onto you. It's fine. You were having fun. Being social. I've seen how much better you've been lately. How hard you're trying. I'm not upset with you," he reassured him. "In fact, it was actually nice to see you enjoying yourself. Just don't turn into a stoner on me and we're good," he joked.
Sirius felt immense relief. He was so worried that Remus was going to freak out. For a change, he really, really wasn't in the mood for a fight.
"How about you?" he asked. "Does it bother you? Being around that sort of thing?"
Remus thought for a moment, taking a deep breath and leaning back further into the frame of the couch. "I'm pretty used to it by now. People drink around me all the time. Can't get through an Order meeting without someone breaking out a bottle of wine. It was the same at Hogwarts. This isn't really any different. Besides, it was never really my drug of choice," he said casually.
"I don't recall you being so picky," said Sirius with a raised eyebrow.
"We could fill a book with all the things you don't recall," Remus shot back.
Sirius' jaw dropped at the comment. Said by any other person at any other time and he would have been livid but leave it to Remus to know just the right moments to push.
"That's a low blow, Moony. I can't believe you would stop to that level," said Sirius in mock outrage.
"I'm sorry, I thought we were making fun of each other's deepest insecurities right now. Or did I misunderstand?" he teased back. "Really though, it was actually kind of nice. Being able to be, I don't know. Normal? To be around that kind of thing and enjoy myself without feeling like I'm on the brink of a crisis. It's still hard. I think it always will be, and maybe on a bad day even that would have been too much for me. Today was a good day, though." A beat. "I never thought I would get this far. It seemed so impossible for so long. Come October it'll be four years clean. I can't even wrap my head around that. There are people who didn't know me before this who are shocked at the suggestion that I have a less than sanitary past and they don't even know a fraction of the truth," he said, a small smile playing at his lips as he spoke in a sort of disbelieving awe. "Marley told me something the fist time I went through withdrawal, with all of you. She said you can't fight the moon, but you can fight this. It took long time for me to really believe that relapse wasn't as inevitable as my transformations. That it was even possible to change. She was right though. Of course she was. It's never going to stop being a fight, but at least I can fight. I want to fight. That's more than I could say in the past."
Sirius was so proud of him. There was really no other way to put it. "What a long, strange, batshit crazy journey it's been," he said, hoping Remus could feel how much respect was behind the words.
"Truly. Still, I have my limits. If Tonks decides she wants to start doing coke in the house or something, a heads up would probably be appropriate. Some temptations are best avoided."
"Could you image? That woman has enough energy. She does not need extra." They smirked at each other. A moment of peaceful silence. Genuine ease. Sirius had rarely felt this since Azkaban and every time he had a glimpse of this, it was with the man sitting by him. "Why could we never do this before? Just have a normal, adult conversation with honesty and proper boundaries? What the fuck was wrong with us? Why were we so incurably stupid?"
"Why couldn't the formerly abused child with rage issues and the pathologically self-destructive drug addict have a normal, healthy relationship at twenty years old, in the middle of a war?" deadpanned Remus. "It's a fucking mystery for the ages, Pads."
"I- Okay, fair point," conceded Sirius. "Though I would argue, if anything, we're both far more traumatized now than we were back then," he pointed out.
Remus nodded. "True. I suppose the difference is that now we really understand what we have to lose." He moved closer, giving Sirius a look that made him feel hot and cold all at once. The lightness in his voice was gone and all that was left when he spoke was sincerity. "We know how important it is to get it right." He reached out, placing his hand on Sirius', sending a shiver up his arm. "I am never going back to how things were. I mean it. It doesn't matter how bad it gets. It doesn't matter how much you break. How much I break. How badly we both fuck up. I'm never going to lie to you. I'm never going to hide from you. I will have every difficult conversation and every painful moment. I don't care how hard it is. I'm not making the same mistakes this time. Never again."
Sirius was breathless. His whole body was tingling. There was so much he wanted to say to that. So many promises he wanted to make. He didn't even know where to start. He squeezed Remus' hand, pulling him towards him.
No. No it was all wrong. He pulled back.
"Wait," he said as he stood up, taking one quick look at Remus' confused expression as he did. He turned on his feet and with a loud crack he was gone.
He moved as quickly as he could. A moment later, with another crack, he was back in the room, staring down at Remus who was right where he left him.
For a split second a look of hurt lingered on Remus' face before the expression was split apart by a burst of laughter.
"You're ridiculous," said Remus as he stared up at Sirius with his freshly donned leather jacket and a cheeky grin.
Sirius reached a hand down to Remus, who reached back, allowing Sirius to pull him into a standing position. "I give the people what they want," he said as he pulled Remus close to him.
He could feel the other man shaking slightly, leaning into Sirius, still unsteady on his feet. He wrapped his arms around Sirius' neck as Sirius' snaked his own around Remus' waist. They looked at each other just a moment before they leaned in at the same time.
Sirius felt like he was sixteen. Like it was fresh and new and electric and there were butterflies in his stomach like the very first time they did this. He felt like he was a hundred. Like they had been together for a lifetime and then some and it was beautifully familiar and safer than he had been in a very long time. Remus' hand tangled in his hair while the other one gripped the back of his neck.
When they pulled apart, Remus buried his face in Sirius' shoulder. They stayed that way a while. Just holding each other.
After a minute, Sirius became aware of the increasing degree to which he was supporting Remus' weight. He pulled back, looping his arm under Remus' shoulder.
"Come on Remi, you need to get some fucking sleep. You look like you're about to pass out."
"That's one hell of a line to get somebody into bed," quipped Remus.
Sirius helped him slowly up the two flights of stairs to his room, not wanting to apparate with him when he was this exhausted. He winced in pain with every step. Even when his transformations didn't result in wounds, they still took so much out of him.
Sirius sat beside Remus as he laid on his bed. He stroked his hair. Remus was asleep within minutes. He let himself breath.
For just a while, thoughts of the future held a little more promise. A little less fear.