Chapter Fifty Six: The Same Side
For the first time in a long time, I wake up feeling refreshed, the sun shining through my open window. There were no nightmares last night, at least, not the typical kind.
Today, everyone is coming over. All of the guys, and their families, and her. I dreamt of her last night. The sort of dreams that are beautiful and wonderful that you love in the moment but hate yourself for them the second you awake. I have a good reason to hate myself right now. In those dreams, I had thoughts and feelings that were so wrong, so forbidden.
We were standing in a meadow, Meili and myself, in the dream. She was as beautiful as ever, my imagination working from the memories I have of her being thirteen and making her into her present age. She spoke to me, though I heard no sound. I watched her perfect cherry lips move, watched her tilt her head back and laugh at some unheard joke. I could have watched forever. So badly I wished to go closer to her, to hug her close. But, I couldn't move. Then, I awoke.
I should forget such things, for I will see her today and make a fool of myself. Still, as I wash and dress for the day, the image of her remains. Gods, I hate myself.
When I walk into the dining room, Father smiles at me from his seat at the table.
"I didn't hear anything last night," he states hopefully, probably wondering if the talk we had a few days ago finally sunk in. Wondering if I am finally moving on.
"No nightmares," I reply, trying to smile. I feel anxious in front of him, as if he can see right through me and know what sort of twisted dreams I had last night. But, he only smiles, and Grandma pats me on the back as she enters the room.
"Oh, Mulan!" Mother groans, walking up to me. "We have guests coming over, are you really going to dress like a man around them?"
"They knew me as a man for two years, Mother," I tell her. It's really too early for her judgment.
"Their families didn't," she grumbles under her breath. She picks up a strand of my hair with her fingers. "It's been over a month and your hair still doesn't seem to be growing out."
I shrug. In truth, I've been trimming it to keep it this length. Any longer and it will only be in my way.
Mother continues to mess futilely. with my hair, trying to get it to lay in a way that it will cover the scar on the right side of my face. I sigh and shrug away from her, knowing the pointlessness of it.
"Li, just let her be," Father defends.
"Hey, for all we know those men won't recognize her in a dress!" Grandma cries out, laughing at her own joke. "Hey, Mulan! You excited to see that little twin of Mushu's you're so fond of?"
And just like that, all the attention is on me. My hands clam up, unsure how to correctly respond to the question.
"Of course," I say after a moment. "She's my friend."
Do I put a little too much emphasis on "friend"? Maybe. Probably. I watch Mother and Father exchange the what-are-we-supposed-to-do-our-daughter-clearly-isn't-normal look. I curse internally.
"I've…got chores," I state awkwardly, walking to the door. In the safety of the barn, I curse my life, myself, and my nonexistent social skills aloud with the worst word I know. Khan hits me in the face with his tail, glaring at me.
"Like you haven't heard those words before," I grumble at him, tapping his side playful. He smacks me again, clearly unamused.
I have just finished breakfast and am outside in the corral with Khan when a knock on the gate is heard. Excited, I leap over the corral fence, landing on my feet and walking toward the gate. Opening it, I see Shang on the other side along with a woman that looks slightly older than Mother and a little girl so excited she is nearly bouncing from foot to foot. She reminds me of myself before I realized the cruelty of this world. I also notice Shang's horse, which has a small cart attached to it, most likely what the women traveled in.
"I see you still live by the 'if you're not early your late' theme outside of the army," I joke, smiling.
Shang smiles back. "I see you crossdress outside of the army too."
I shrug. "Once you've been labeled a crossdresser, it's kind of hard to go back," I chuckle, opening the gate wider.
Shang leads his horse in, and after he has detached it from the cart, I lead him to the corral, making sure the horse has food and water. Khan looks a little disgruntled at the idea of sharing the space that has been his and his alone for years.
"Be nice, Khan," I scold. He huffs.
"And you still talk to horses," Shang teases. I smile as Khan whips Shang in the face with his tail. The little girl laughs wildly.
By now, my family has joined us in the courtyard and is making conversation with Shang's mother.
"Mulan, this is my mother, Li Huan," Shang introduces.
She shakes my hand. "It's very nice to meet you," she tells me, smiling.
"It's good to meet you too, ma'am."
"And this," Shang continues, gesturing to the little girl, "is Luli."
I crouch down on one knee to be at Luli's height and stick my hand out. She shakes it eagerly.
"Nice to meet you, Luli. Shang told me a little about you."
She smiles big. "Are you really Fa Mulan?" she asks.
"That's my name."
"I saw you!" she states excitedly. "At the Imperial City! You jumped from the roof and all the fireworks went off! It looked like you were flying!"
"Thanks, kid." I smile at her.
We chat for a little until the others start to arrive. Chien-Po, Ling, and Yao introduce me to their families, including Yao's three little sisters. I knew he had a soft spot under all those muscles.
As luck will have it, Mushu and his family are the only ones yet to arrive, and as I await them, I feel my nerves grow. Finally, there is a knock on the gate, and in strides Mushu, his parents, and Meili. I think my heart stops for a moment. She looks beautiful. Her waist-length black hair runs down her back, loose, and she wears a pink and teal dress. Her face has matured a little, though it is still round and soft. She looks up, and her deep brown eyes meet mine for the first time in five years. Those eyes haven't changed, and in them, I see the girl I spent summer after summer with, reading, swimming, laughing. I can't move, but she can. A smile splits her face in two and suddenly, she is running at me. I stand there stupidly as she slams into me, knocking both of us to the ground, Meili landing on top of me, her arms wrapped tight around me.
She laughs, and that sound knocks me out of whatever state of shock I'm in as a chuckle escapes my lips.
"I missed you!" she cries, hugging me tighter.
"Missed you too," I whisper.
"Alright, Meili," Mushu calls. "Let her go, you'll kill her." He, too, is laughing.
"Oh please," Meili states standing up and brushing the dirt from her skirt before extending a hand to me. "Last time I checked, she got stabbed and then fell off a cliff. I think she'll make it."
Mushu comes over and shoves Meili playfully. "Yeah, watch out, she's my friend too," he replies hugging me.
"Well, you got to see her every day for two years," Meili huffs.
"In a warzone," I state pointedly.
"Whatever, can you believe this knucklehead didn't recognize you dressed as a man? I mean come on, Mushu!"
"That's not fair! She wasn't even supposed to be there. How was I supposed to know?" Mushu exclaims. We all laugh. It's like we're kids again, the way we're bickering.
Meili seems to study me for the first time. Carefully, she reaches a hand out toward my face. I resist the urge to flinch away as her fingers gently touch the scar on the right side of my face. I see sadness cross her features. I forgot how much seeing her sad killed me. I gently pull her hand from my face, hold it in my hand, and smile.
"Don't worry about it," I state quietly.
She smiles back, but over her shoulder, I see our parents looking at us. They are watching us closely, and I decide it is for the best that we stop…whatever is happening between us right now, if there is anything at all. I can tell from the way Meili ran to me that she is relying on everyone else's presence to stop her parents from making a scene. And the way she touched my face…it felt so intimate. She doesn't show any sign of restraining herself, so it is best if I do it for the both of us.
I drop her hand.
"Have you met the others?" I ask.
After everyone has arrived, they are invited inside, where tea is poured and passed around and polite conversation is exchanged.
"Alright, Pretty Boy," Yao states after a little bit, "you wanted us to hear some big news of yours, so let's hear it."
With a smile, Shang leaves the house.
"Yao, I think you scared Tough Guy away," Ling jokes.
The others seem confused by our nicknames, but we chuckle childlike at them. Shang returns a few moments later with a package tucked under his arm.
"Whatcha got there, Captain Pretty Boy?" Yao teases.
"Actually, Yao, it's General now."
Our jaws drop before we smile and clap Shang on the back, wishing him congratulations.
"General Pretty Boy," Yao states. "Yeah, that'll work."
"Would it kill you to use my name?" Shang asks.
"We don't wanna risk it," Ling replies.
I know there's more to this. Shang isn't the type who would gather everyone together just talk about himself.
"What's in the package?" Chien-Po asks eventually.
Shang smiles and looks at me before handing it over to me. It's heavy.
"This wasn't supposed to be a 'bring presents' gettogether," I tell him.
"It's not a present."
I open the package to find a set of brand new armor laying upon a bright red cape, identical to the armor and cape Shang wore as a captain. I gasp.
"It's a promotion," Shang finishes. "If you want it, of course. The Emperor seems pretty fond of the idea. Besides, I need my second in command."
"Yes!" I state excitedly, smiling at him. I feel my enthusiasm falter for a moment though. "The troops, I doubt they'll listen to me-"
"Make them," Shang tells me. "You made me, back at the Imperial City."
I smile, nod firmly. Then, something clicks in my head.
"You know, I'll need second in commands of my own…" I turn to look at Ling, Yao, Chien-Po, and Mushu. Ling's hand shoots up in the air.
"Pick me!"
Everyone in the room chuckles at that.
"Ling, Yao, Chien-Po, Mushu?" I ask. My response is a series of yes's and nods. Ling lets out a whoop. The guys are slightly embarrassed by the way their families hug and congratulate them, except for Chien-Po, the natural-born hugger that he is. I take the armor into my bedroom, deciding to find a better place for it later on. By the time I return to everyone else, people have calmed down a little, and regular conversation has taken over once more.
At least, for everyone but me.
I'm glad I got a good amount of sleep last night, for being swarmed and questioned by Shang and Yao's younger sisters is exhausting. Any less sleep and I think I would be passed out in a chair. Still, I keep a bright smile and talk to them in my most energetic voice, though they are coming up with questions almost faster than I can come up with answers.
Lucky for me, the guys notice the pleading looks I send their way, and once the girls have been called off by their brothers and sufficiently distracted with Little Brother, we escape outside, where we sit in a shady spot in the garden.
"Sorry 'bout that," Yao tells me. "They get a little excited if you know what I mean."
I brush it away with a wave of my hand. "It's fine. They're sweet."
There is a moment of slightly awkward silence until Shang asks the question that is really on everyone's mind.
"So, how is everyone doing?"
It sounds like an everyday question, but it has a deeper meaning to us. He's really asking: How are you doing, now that you've seen a bunch of stuff you can never unsee?
We all agree on losing some sleep, though none of us go into depth about what exactly is keeping us awake. There is no need for that. Soon enough, Ling makes some stupid crossdresser joke, and we're all laughing. We go on to tell funny stories about things that have happened since we have come home, and even Shang is bellowing with laughter as I tell about Grandma chasing an escaped chicken around the yard, holding a broom high in the air, screaming at it like a crazy person.
"I see where you got the crazy part of you from," Ling cries between laughs.
By now, the sun has shifted in the sky, and on this unseasonably warm fall day, the sunshine has invaded our previously shady spot, forcing us to move unless we want to sweat. I suggest standing over on the small white bridge over the pond, where the walls around the house are now casting a cool shadow. As we walk over, Chien-Po and I are at the back of the group. He leans towards me before speaking quietly so only I can hear.
"You know," he tells me, "my offer from camp still stands."
I give him a confused look. "Huh?"
"My tent is always open," he states, referencing back to the conversation we had over a year ago at camp, right after Heng had given me the knife. "Seems like you could use someone to talk to, if you don't mind me saying."
I sigh. "You can tell?"
"Your aura is grey, which usually represents depression and low energy." He hands me a small slip of paper. "That's my address. Stop by sometime; I'm a good listener."
"Thanks, I'll think about it."
By now we have caught up with the others at the little bridge over the pond. From here, we can see through one of the windows into the house, where everyone is still gathered. Meili is there, laughing politely at something. I can tell from here that it's not her real laugh. Her real laugh is so nice-
"Alright, what's going on with you?" Ling asks.
"I don't know what you're talking about."
"Your family and Mushu's, they seem kinda…I don't know, not quite awkward. It's like, they're waiting for something to happen while not wanting to directly talk about it," Ling explains.
"Huh, you're better at reading people than I thought, Ling," Chien-Po comments.
"I know, right?" Ling states proudly. "Also, what's up with you and Mushu's sister?"
"What?" Mushu and I say at the same time.
Ling shrugs. "I don't know. You knew Mushu as a kid, right? So you knew her too."
"Yeah…" I answer cautiously.
"Well, it's just like, you guys were super excited to see each other at first, and know you're like avoiding her."
"I am not," I state, stubborn as ever.
"Well, you haven't said two words to her since you first saw her."
"That doesn't mean I'm avoiding her!"
"Well…" Shang edges. I shoot him a dirty look.
"I'm just stating the obvious," Ling defends.
"And the fact that you're being defensive about it means that there's something you're not tellin' us," Yao states, smug at his conclusion.
I sigh, looking away. How the heck did we stumble into this topic of conversation anyway?
"Well, tell us!" Ling cries, excited for some reason. Probably because he's Ling, and everything excites him.
"Guys, maybe this is the sort of thing we should just let be," Chien-Po tells them quietly. Ling groans, and Shang, while not really being the one for gossip and secrets, seems disappointed to be left out of knowing something.
"Mulan," Mushu states barely above a whisper, "maybe you should tell them. I mean, we're all friends and all."
"Yeah," Yao reassures. "We're friends and as friends, we are sworn not to judge."
Shang and Ling nod in agreement.
"Only if you want to share, of course," Chien-Po tells me, seeming to be the only one on my side.
Maybe I'm wrong about that, though. That's how I think about things a lot of the time: my side and everybody else's side. I mean, most of my life, it has been me against the world. I'm still stuck in that state of mind now, even though I've got companions that have proven themselves loyal until the end, proven that we are always going to be on the same side. They have shown that they trust me, maybe it is time I show them that I trust them in return. What better time than now?
So, I close my eyes and allow myself to fully and truly remember a day that I have avoided thinking about for years. Opening my eyes, I turn to my friends and begin to talk.
"When I was thirteen, there was this… accident."
Author's Note: How's that for a cliffhanger? I feel kind of evil leaving you guys here, but it looks like you'll just have to wait until next week for the big reveal! I'm so excited you share these next few chapters with you guys, so please leave a review!
Also, a big thank you to MMsariles for the wonderful review they left on the last chapter! I will defiantly take your ideas into consideration in future parts of this story!