Chapter 56.
"I'm guessing you still won't talk about Jules." said Dean and Cas felt instantly defensive.
"No." he said.
"Dean ... " said Sarah.
Dean raised a hand. "It's fine. I'm respecting boundaries. I'm being a good friend." He looked at Cas again and said, "So, what can we talk about? Can we discuss the future?"
Cas thought of saying, "What future?" but that would undo all his efforts. It frightened him how often his mind was trying to trick him into telling Dean enough that he could work out the rest. He knew that he was right to keep both Winchesters in ignorance of the deal; it would, in fact, be monstrous to make them party to it, when there was nothing they could do, but he longed to just give up the act and pour out the whole story to the one man who would understand entirely why he had done what he had done. The part of him that wanted the secret gone ... that ached for an end to the lies and for the honest anger or love or something that would be Dean's response, was constantly offering him little suggestions of ways to let the truth slip out.
He was not good at lying. He took no pleasure in it. Lying to Dean felt unnatural and wrong. Concealing anything from him smacked of ingratitude and a lack of respect. It was to protect him, to protect them all, but it hurt.
"The future's fine." he said at last, "But not my future with Jules, because I don't have one."
"No," said Dean, "I'm talking road trips."
Cas felt a pain in his chest. When Dean felt good, he talked about this mythical road trip. It would never happen, even without the Empty deal, but pretending it would gave Dean some pleasure and the world held little enough of that for him.
"Our road trip?" said Cas. Saying the words gave him an odd kind of excitement. It was never going to happen, but Dean offered it as proof of his love, a sign that Castiel belonged to the family.
"That's right." said Dean, his smile not quite reaching his eyes. His eyes were sad, as if he could not quite convince even himself that the promised road trip could be real.
Subtext was difficult for Cas and sometimes he got it very wrong, but watching Dean's face, he felt certain that he had to believe in the road trip or at least convince Dean he did, because this conversation wasn't about some future jaunt in the Impala. His friend was asking him, as clearly as he was able, "Do I have a place in your future?"
"Where will we go?" he said.
Dean smiled again and grabbed a map. "Vegas, obviously. We go through Colorado on the way. You love mountains, right?"
"Right." said Cas.
"After a few days in Vegas, we go to California."
"What's in California?" said Cas.
"Beaches! Gorgeous, sandy beaches and sun and Sam can surf. He'd be good at that. You could lose the coat and try a new look."
"I tried a new look at my party." said Cas.
"And you looked great and you had that kiss with Jules."
"We're not supposed to talk about her." said Cas.
"Sorry. I just mean it wasn't a disaster. You need to learn to live a little. We should spend a lot of time on beaches, cook fish we caught ourselves, drink and talk late into the night, make some bad decisions, do some stupid things that don't cost anyone's life or soul ... " Dean fell silent, guilty because of his use of the S word.
"I'm okay." said Cas, "It's just a word."
"Then we could go to Mexico, maybe." said Dean, "Or Hawaii. I mean, I could get on a plane once in my life. We could make a deal. You ditch the coat on beaches and I'll fly with you to Hawaii."
It was never going to happen and they both knew that they both knew it, but Dean was putting his heart and soul into the lie. Before he met the Winchesters, Cas had never understood how loving a lie could be or how beautiful. "We could drive through Mexico." he said.
"You really don't wanna lose the coat, huh?" said Dean.
"I just want you to enjoy the journey." said Cas.
"Or we could wait until we get your wings back and then you could zap us all there." Dean said, brightening as if he believed a word of what he was saying. "That could be the best way." he continued, "Get your wings back, make it a world tour. We could go anywhere."
"Why limit it to one world?" said Cas.
Dean grinned. "Good point! Hey, we could show Jack the universe!"
"Anything you want." said Cas and instantly, Dean's smile was gone.
"This road trip is for you."
"For all of us." said Cas. He didn't miss Dean's swift, surreptitious glance at Sarah, but he was uncertain of the meaning of her answering nod.
"We will get your wings back." said Dean.
"I know we will." said Cas. Any lie that made Dean feel good again was worthwhile.
"And we'll do all the stuff you and Jack never got to do."
"And all the stuff you and Sam never got to do."
"You need to make a list." said Dean.
"So do you."
"I'm serious, because the moment we get rid of Michael, we are starting preparations for the trip of a lifetime."
"Of course." said Cas.
"So why don't you start your list now? Tell me something you always wanted to do."
Cas's mind went blank. He wasn't actually sure what people wanted to do. There were the things they did to pass the time, drinking, gambling and sex, but none of those felt like they belonged on the list. He tried to think of the movies Dean watched and what people did in them. Driving a car off a cliff was not going to be a suggestion that Dean could get behind.
Now he looked at Sarah, his eyes pleading for assistance. Before she could suggest anything, Dean said, "Cas, you must want something."
And he did. He wanted Dean and Sam not to die. He wanted the bunker that he loved to remain his home. He wanted to turn back time and find another way to save Jack, so they could all stay together ... so he could be with Jules again. He wanted to tell Dean how he had destroyed everything and why and he wanted Dean to say there was an answer, even though he knew there was none.
"Cas, please." said Dean and Cas heard the presentiment of grief, the growing certainty in Dean's mind that Cas didn't want anything from this world or from him, that he was hesitating to say goodbye, but would not hesitate long. Cas knew he had to find some way to make Dean believe again.
Long conversations in the Dean Cave, every one remembered perfectly, gave him a possible answer. "That bull you rode ... I think I might like to try something like that."
Dean nodded. "That's great! That's item number one on the list. What else? How about the Grand Canyon?"
"I once met the angel responsible for that. I think seeing it would be a fitting salute to her."
A sudden shadow in Dean's eyes told him that Dean understood his tone. He said quietly, "Okay. We'll do that for her."
"I'll wear anything." said Cas.
"Careful. I could take advantage of that and make you look ridiculous."
"But you won't." said Cas, "I trust you."
Dean nodded, an odd look on his face. "I really, really wish you did."