Shauna and Izzy, Pt 3

Shauna was alone in her studio apartment. By chance, Claire was already scheduled to spend the night with a friend from school. Shauna hadn't planned to buy alcohol for the occasion, but after running into Izzy at the PAC…

She took a long pull of flavored vodka directly from the bottle, despite the high alcohol concentration and the fact that it was the cheapest shit she could palate. He didn't fucking freeze the last times we bumped into each other! Bastard! Looking at me like I'm a damned ghost in the PAC lobby!

The slam of the bottle against the counter sounded like a gunshot, and Shauna teetered on her stool. What the hell did Izzy tell Amy? And that gorgeous blond boy was there, too, the one she often saw with Amy. If Izzy's version of their history spread over the PAC…

Groaning, Shauna massaged her aching forehead. Should she cut Izzy and his friends off by telling her side first? The kids at the PAC who weren't from her high school wouldn't have the context. It was just a damned prank- it was funny, with no harm done. In fact, Izzy got to consistently sleep with the most desirable girl in school, someone way out of his league.

But what if Izzy remained impossibly silent, like the last time? He never told anyone about the trailer park or her addict mother, as far as Shauna knew. Bringing the story up herself could cause social damage for no reason.

He's too much of a damned gentleman… Shauna grit her teeth so tight that her jaw ached. She didn't like Izzy. He was boring, stiff, clueless about anything outside of math, computers, and science. Still, she felt the difference between how he treated her and how clients treated her. Izzy knew nothing about relationships, and he allowed Shauna to establish a dynamic that favored her- one that likely would have been too ingrained to change, even if Izzy ever wisened up someday. And, while he had little to offer affection-wise, Izzy took care of her, in his way.

Shauna was too damned proud to admit to herself that no one had treated her better than Izzy, not until a week or two into college. And so, when Michael told her that Izzy was at their university months ago, Shauna was eager to reconnect. Michael said he had a girlfriend, but surely, she would have nothing on Shauna. Itshould have been easy to regain access to Izzy's resources and reestablish the relationship they once had.

So, when she bumped into Izzy at a Halloween party, Shauna took her shot- and failed miserably. And it's my own damned fault. I got so fucking mad, just like when Izzy said I wasn't welcome at his place. Just like when he came to the trailer. What was it about Izzy that made her lose control? Control was one of her main assets, the skill that allowed a child, a preteen, a teen to navigate a dangerous situation so effectively that she was able to rescue her sister, too. She could control herself through a million volatile, unimaginable scenarios- but the moment something went wrong with Izzy, her discipline shattered, and every emotion she masked and redirected with acting prowess erupted, an explosion of feelings.

Shauna clung to the edge of the counter, breathing heavily. If she hadn't lost control those few times- just a few times!- would she still be with Izzy? The bet wasn't intended to go on as long as it did. Shauna kept the relationship going voluntarily, entranced with Izzy's house, a safe haven, literal heaven on earth. It was clean, comfortable, and quiet, with every need provided for. His parents were darlings, and Yeva fed Shauna enough to bring plenty home for Claire. And it wasn't just volume- Yeva provided actual meals, often cooked with fruits and vegetables from her garden, always amazing quality. When Shauna's mother sporadically provided food, it was mac and cheese from a box, instant ramen, or peanut butter sandwiches. Since Shauna needed to save money, she bought the cheapest food she could, too. Even now, she and Claire ate on the cheap.

And the Williams provided much more than nourishment. Yeva and Sam were well-off, so Shauna hadn't thought twice about transferring laundry detergent and personal care items like shampoo to empty water bottles, taking home aspirin to give Claire when she had fevers or ear aches, and taking Claire's favorite fruits and veggies from the garden. She knew better than to take the any original packages, but little bits here and there wouldn't be missed. And finally, Shauna and Claire reliably had clean clothes, clean hair, full bellies, and basic medical supplies when sick or injured. Shauna couldn't risk taking things from the well-off friends who were also clients or instrumental to bolstering her image, but Izzy? She knew she'd be dumping him eventually, and that it would be easy to control the narrative of their relationship with the student body. That was the power of reputation- and that was why she always had to exercise control.

But at Izzy's house, for the first and only time in her life, Shauna could relax. All she had to do was be nice and lounge around while Izzy helped her with homework- and landing scholarships and need-based funding was the only way for Shauna to escape her mother. True, she had to have sex with Izzy, used it as a distraction and reward when she wanted something or had to make up for a slip in her role as a doting girlfriend. But while Shauna was far from attracted to Izzy, and while he was mechanical and dull in bed, he prioritized her pleasure. Her clients were there to get off, to enjoy themselves and her performance. Izzy asked what she liked, remembered her answers, and got her where she needed to be every time. When she had to look at him, to see the ribs beneath his skin and the intensity in his eyes that made her feel like she was under intrusive surveillance, he was somehow still a reliable lover. In the dark, he was a good lay.

Being at the Williams' house was a living dream, like suddenly belonging to a well-adjusted family who wanted for nothing… Until they cut her off, for no reason Shauna could discern.

Shauna sniffled, and suddenly, she was sobbing. She had never allowed herself to feel the disappointment of losing Izzy's house, had shoved it deep down. But now Amy- plain, ditsy, milquetoast Amy!- was probably there every weekend, a little queen in that enormous guest room with its linen sheets and flowers fresh cut from Yeva's garden. Maybe she wasn't as ditsy as Shauna thought, if she managed to secure that cash cow.

A few slurred, incomprehensible curses slid from Shauna's lips. The memory of parroting Michael, of calling Amy a cow to Izzy's face, hit her like a slap. Amy was likely the closest thing Shauna had encountered to an ingenue, too damned sweet and green for her own good. Insulting someone like that could only make Shauna look bad, and only now did she understand why Izzy lost his goddamned mind over it. Long experience had taught Shauna that she could make fun of an antisocial geek and get laughs. But insulting a girl with no real social stigma, who people understood to be "good" by some standard the child of an addict could never reach- that would never go well.

She lost all hope with Izzy that night, if any even remained.

I should have called the bet off. Fucking idiot! Shauna received a few grand from the bet, all of which went into index funds for the future. For now, more specifically, for her little studio's rent and the rotisserie chickens and Claire's favorite bread loaves and the shitty vodka burning down Shauna's throat. She couldn't say it wasn't worth it. Every cent that went towards Shauna and Claire's independence, safety, and needs was worthwhile.

But what if she could have lived in Izzy's house? Would Yeva have eventually taken Claire in, too? Certainly, Shauna never loved Izzy, never even liked him. And even after "proving" that Izzy could love with the bet, Shauna still sided with her old friends in thinking that he was too detached and intellectual to do so. But to have lost a well-off partner who took care of her and would likely have a lucrative career of his own…

Shauna pushed the bottle away. The alcohol wasn't dulling her thoughts or feelings- if anything, it seemed to be amplifying them. And Claire had far too much experience with furious drunks locked in a tiny trailer with her. Shauna couldn't present that danger here, not in Claire's safe place. It was time to look after herself, get some sleep, and think.

Her reputation was at stake, which meant everything was at stake. She had to talk to Amy or Izzy and find out if they planned to gossip about her. Mitigating damage was her priority, but if she could somehow reconnect with Izzy…

Wouldn't it be nice to be taken care of, for once?

XXX

Amy stood in a tiny practice room, listening to a performance piece with earbuds. She was supposed to be practicing- time in the room shouldn't be squandered. And yet...

Ever since Izzy told her about Shauna, an emotional weight hovered over her. She wasn't miserable or suffering, but she wasn't quite herself. Her heart struggled to process, her brain fought to comprehend- and inevitably failed.

Amy huffed, annoyed at herself for falling into a mood. She hummed along to the song, as an actual warm up seemed too demanding. Sighing, she moved to the window facing outside and stared through. It was early afternoon, and kids walked the paths through the PAC courtyard, going about their business on campus. She watched, still humming, and slid out of herself, awareness fading, like watching a film- and forgetting everything else, for a time.

Amy almost yelped when someone knocked on the door. It was likely a music student, come to demand why she was taking up a room without practicing. She decided to relinquish the space to someone who could actually use it, and turned to tell the student as much.

The world froze when she saw Shauna through the door's glass panel.

Amy hesitated. Only students enrolled in music classes could swipe their IDs for access to a practice room. Shauna would be stuck in the hallway if Amy didn't let her in. Stranding her out there was likely the best option, and yet... Half a minute passed with Amy staring, wide-eyed, at Shauna, wondering what she could possibly want.

And, come to think of it, there was plenty that Amy wouldn't mind saying to Shauna.

Still uncertain, Amy removed her ear buds, stored them, and opened the door. Shauna hurried in and closed it behind her. The ever-present practice hallway cacophony screamed around them, and yet, all Amy heard was a high-pitched ringing, as if her ears had sustained sudden damage.

"What." Amy was curt, but surprisingly, her tone was level. Still, Shauna frowned.

"Yikes. I can't imagine what Izzy said to you."

Something twisted in Amy's brain- or maybe in her spirit, something she could feel without being able to pinpoint. Her lips curled into a smile with no warmth. "Of course you can. You lived it."

Shauna's dark brown eyes were rich and alluring, and usually projected confidence. Now, they seemed stunned, thrown-off... And already a little angry. "Why are you here?" Amy asked. And, incredibly, Shauna shifted her weight from one foot to the other. As signs of nerves went, it was small... But undeniable.

Sighing, Shauna removed the sunglasses perched on her head and ran her fingers through her thick, glossy bob. "Look… I've tried to apologize to Izzy. I didn't want to hurt him back then. I just had… circumstances."

That strange, unknown feeling was rising, soaring. Amy's smile broadened, showing teeth. The hollow ringing in her head was gone, replaced by her thumping pulse. "I can't accept an apology for Izzy. If he turned yours down, then that's that... And I don't see why you're surprised."

And suddenly, Shauna's starlet face pinched, eyes hardened, mouth sneering. "Please," she spat. "Izzy's fine. His parents give a shit about him, they're loaded, they're clean- hell, they hardly even drink. Plus, he's a genius. He'll never need for anything."

Amy grabbed the windowsill. She was under the thrall of a horrible sensation, like her consciousness was trying to rip out of her body. With intense effort, she focused on how cool the sill was, and on the French horn vibrating one of the room's shared walls. Staying grounded to the outside seemed the only way to keep the inside in check.

And, still sounding miraculously zen, Amy said, "You don't get to decide if Izzy is fine or not. And you don't get a pass to hurt people because their circumstances are better than yours."

Red flooded Shauna's face, rich and lovely beneath her tan. "And you don't get to talk down to me! You don't know anything about me!"

Amy shrugged. Strangely, the memory of Angela questioning her in the dive bar in Ohio tickled her mind. As back then, the more Shauna lost composure, the more Amy found hers. "No," she said easily. "And I don't care. I do know that you gave someone I love trauma- first for money, then for pride."

Shauna went stiff. Somehow, Amy sensed that they were both caught in an out-of-body sensation. She was just beginning to understand it as rage, the kind that eclipsed rational thought. Amy was functioning through it, secure in her stance in this argument. Shauna didn't seem to be faring as well.

Shauna's voice went hard and low- much closer to growling than its usual sensual lulling. "Please. He doesn't know what trauma is. He told you all about the trailer park, didn't he?"

Amy conceived of no explanation for the manic glittering in Shauna's eyes. "What Izzy told me is my business." The last thing Amy needed was to accidentally provide Shauna with a new reason to hurt Izzy, imagined or real. The longer this went on, the more Amy realized how foolish talking to Shauna was. She glanced over Shauna's head at the door, but the room was so tiny that Amy would have to bodily move her out of the way to exit.

"My reputation is my business!" Amy stepped back into the wall, instinctively putting space between herself and the roaring woman locked in the room with her. If not for the musical din, the entire PAC might have heard Shauna- but they wouldn't have recognized her, not with her feverish eyes, flushed face, and screeching voice. "And I'll tell you what trauma is! It's never having a clean house, clean clothes, a clean body. It's being six years old and not knowing when you'll eat next. It's never knowing if your mother or the strangers in your house will ignore you or hurt you. It's being ten years old and knowing the strangers are hoping to get you alone. It's being a teen and knowing your little sister is there without you, locking her bedroom door and hoping that will protect her."

The windowsill creaked, and Amy released it. A deep ache bit into her hands, her wrists, from holding on so hard. It was almost difficult to parse Shauna's words in her current state, but somehow, they absorbed. As much as she resisted sympathy towards Shauna, it was slipping into her heart… But, more importantly, she didn't know a younger sister was involved. "That's awful," Amy murmured. "No one should live like that. But... Why didn't you ask Izzy for help?"

Shauna's accusing finger slowly lowered. She still looked furious, but Amy's question seemed to have thrown her. "What?"

Amy tipped her head, not understanding Shauna's confusion. "Izzy is kind, and so is his family. You must know that. Do you think Yeva would have let your sister starve if she knew she needed food? Do you think Izzy wouldn't have found resources for you, or that Sam wouldn't know someone who could help?" Even now, in the middle of this distressing encounter, Amy wanted to help this mystery child. What would Izzy, Yeva, and Sam have felt, especially before Shauna soured their opinion of her?

For a few seconds, Shauna seemed frozen, like someone hit pause on a recording of her. Then, she began to shake, and Amy found herself wondering if the window at her back could open, and if she could fit through it. "Shut up! You don't know how any of that works! You have no clue how easy it is for someone's 'help' to go wrong. What if my sister ended up in foster care, away from me? What if my Mom went to jail, and we lost what little she could give us? I got Claire out of there. I got her out. Everything else is just noise."

Amy sucked in a breath. "Someone else's pain isn't 'just noise.' Or rather, maybe it is to you, but not to them. And not to the people who love them."

Like her, Shauna took a deep breath, and seemed to calm. By degrees, she shifted back towards normal- a charming, pretty expression that Amy deeply distrusted. "We're talking in circles, and I don't know what Izzy told you."

"If we're talking in circles, it's because you keep coming back to that- wanting to know what Izzy said to me. What do you want, Shauna? I don't want to talk to you, so just say what you came to say."

Shauna's expression shifted to a hard neutral, and Amy nodded, accepting this as a closer approximation of what she actually felt. "Fine. All I want is to know that you, Izzy, and your friends won't spread rumors about me on campus. Say whatever you want among yourselves, but just… I rely on my reputation to fund my sister. If you give a shit about little kids like her, then just… Keep this quiet."

Amy blinked, stunned out of her anger, her discomfort, and even her desire to get the fuck out of here. Where the hell was her brain supposed to start with processing Shauna's request? It was likely the absolute worst response, but a snort slipped Amy's control. Shauna stiffened as Amy collapsed on the stool by the upright piano.

"You must be joking," Amy laughed, knowing full well that Shauna was desperately serious- and the most honest Amy had ever seen her. "First, no one needs your permission to 'talk amongst themselves.' Second, and this may shock you, but I don't care about your business. Do you really think I'm bursting at the seams to badmouth you to anyone who will listen? I keep telling you, Izzy is kind. He didn't badmouth you before, not even when you went out of your way to badmouth him, not even when the student body knew both of you. There are tens of thousands of students at this university. If I walked up to 95% of them and said, 'Hey, did you know Shauna Cross emotionally destroyed my boyfriend on purpose, for money?', they'd say, 'I'm trying to get to class, leave me alone.'"

Amy took a breath, half expecting Shauna to interject. Shauna had a reason, an excuse to explain away everything she did to Izzy thus far. But she was silent, eyes trained to Amy's, waiting for her final word, allowing accusations. Slowly, it dawned on Amy that she had power here- and she knew exactly how to use it.

"I don't buy for a moment that needing money is a valid excuse to hurt someone, but for the sake of argument, let's say I do. That explains why you took that bet. It doesn't explain why you then told your school private information about Izzy, knowing that he'd be tormented for it. The only reason for that is spite."

She waited, but Shauna just balled her hands into fists and spat, "Get to the point."

"Gladly. I wish I could make you see how much damage you've done to him. I wish I could make you answer for it. But frankly, I don't think you care enough to admit you were wrong, let alone to feel remorse and make amends. But here's what you can do, if you want me to keep quiet about you at the PAC."

Shauna straightened to attention, letting everything else slip by. A pang of sadness, regret, or maybe pity struck Amy. Only now was she speaking Shauna's language. Appeals to compassion were brushed aside, but tit for tat, an exchange… That registered, and was taken seriously. And suddenly, she was exhausted, heavy in a way she couldn't describe.

"Don't spread rumors about Izzy. Leave him alone. We'll keep quiet about you, and we'll stay away from you. But I swear, if I hear one crack about Izzy- If one more smug asshole calls him Scarecrow to his face or, or some other shit Izzy can't even s-say to me-"

Her voice broke, and Amy's mouth snapped shut. She would never see caring for Izzy as weakness, but Shauna… She probably would, and that wouldn't help Amy protect Izzy from further damage.

Shauna tipped her head and grinned, but it was tight, flat. Shrugging, she said, "I won't say anything about Izzy, but I can't control what people from our high school say."

Amy shrugged right back, pushed so far beyond the realm of giving a fuck that she landed in another fuckless universe. "Should have thought about that before you gutted him in front of your entire school. I suggest you tell any old classmates on campus to leave him the hell alone. You have enough reputation to do that, right?"

Shauna flinched, then stared at Amy with an air of shock. Finally, she laughed with absolutely zero humor. "You know, I thought you were a ditz this whole time… But you're a bitch."

Amy grinned so enormously that it might have spilled beyond the confines of her face. "You do bring out that side of me."

A cool, calculating gleam glinted in Shauna's eyes. "You know, you should be glad Izzy's mom stopped letting me come over. That's the only reason I let things go on so long. I got a safe place to spend time, someone to do my homework, and food to take home. And I could already tell that Izzy would make bank soon. The bet wasn't worth breaking it off with him... Until his mom cut me off. I still don't know why she did, but you're lucky."

Amy knew she shouldn't take the bait, knew that Shauna was fishing for information, but an objection was already spilling from her mouth. "What? It's because you were stealing from them, after all they did for you."

Shauna blinked, apparently stunned out of whatever devastation she was planning. "Why would they think that?"

Amy found her foot impatiently tapping. "Because they have a security system and cameras. They noticed things disappearing and checked the footage. They have video of you stealing produce, and I guess it wasn't hard to figure out who was taking the other things from there." In truth, Izzy's parents didn't need video evidence to find their culprit. Who else but Shauna would have been able to steal from the house? But Amy already knew they were the type to assume innocence until someone was proven guilty. To her, that was enough reason to be aghast at the thought of betraying their trust, but she rather doubted that Shauna felt that way.

Shauna flushed, fast and deep. Though her tone was hard and angry, her voice wavered. "That house can't have cameras! It's over a hundred years old!"

Amy rubbed her forehead, tired from the effort to understand Shauna's shifting emotions. "Really. You think Izzy can't figure out how to install that stuff." After a long sigh, she added, "You know what's ironic? I bet Yeva and Sam would have given you whatever you needed, if you just asked."

Shauna seemed to pale- or, at least, the rush of color vanished. Then, she rallied and gazed at Amy from head to toe, an assessment ending in a smirk. "Who cares what his parents think. We're college students, now. They can't tell Izzy who to date."

Amy's manic grin returned, terrible in her reflection on the door's glass panel. "Izzy despises you. You won't have any luck there, nor in talking to me. If you want us to keep quiet, you'll leave him alone." Amy grabbed her things, shoving them into her backpack as she talked. "We can't help seeing each other at the PAC. When we do, I'll say hello and keep going. That's the expectation moving forward."

Shauna was speaking, but frankly, Amy didn't care. She slung her backpack over her shoulder and left the practice room.

XXX

The door to the practice room slammed shut behind Amy. Shauna stood in the tiny space, breathing heavily. She had decided to approach Amy partially because it was easy to find her in the PAC, but mostly because she hoped their friendly relationship would allow for more success. And, really, Shauna got what she needed- assurance that Amy and Izzy wouldn't try to make her look bad on campus. She believed Amy would keep her word, especially since she was prioritizing protecting Izzy in the bargain.

Something you never did. Shauna tsked and shoved that errant thought deep down. Who knew that sweet, simple Amy had all of that in her? Shauna hated to admit it, to acknowledge that she allowed her hand to show, but Amy picked up on how much Shauna needed to protect her reputation… and turned that need into a dagger.

It occurred to her that Amy had to love Izzy- genuinely love him, not just his assets or the way he treated her. What else would drive an ingenue to forge a conversation into a weapon, and to talk down to Shauna, to boot? Can't admit fault, can't make amends… Ha! Amy was the one at fault for not having compassion for Shauna's situation.

And she wasn't the only one. How could Yeva and Sam kick her out for taking some food and basics? They should have told her they knew and asked why she needed them! They should have- They should have-

Abruptly, Shauna shoved her way out of the practice room and stormed through the music hall to the loudest, most disastrous soundtrack imaginable. No one had any compassion! That was exactly why she couldn't just go asking for help! No one cared about Claire but her, and she would do whatever it took to protect her.

Even if it meant using Izzy, the only person besides Claire who never tried to use her. Even if it meant humiliating him to ensure that the other kids were too busy laughing at him to listen to his side of the story, which could damage the network of clients and friends that kept Shauna afloat.

Even if it meant walking away from him forever to maintain her reputation now.

As Amy so graciously pointed out, their university was huge. There were plenty of well-off people to exchange resources with. For Claire, Shauna would give of herself to secure enough funds to live. Even if no one ever took care of her again, wanting nothing in return. Even if they weren't kind, even if they didn't help her with homework or prioritize her pleasure or ask about her day or-

Shauna cut those thoughts off and dried her eyes. She couldn't stomp around the PAC like this, especially not as she stepped out of the music wing and into the acting wing. When she met another actor's gaze, she smiled, and he blushed, looked away, then drew a visible breath, clawing for the courage to approach her.

She encouraged him with another, warmer smile, then shifted her attention to controlling their conversation to her best advantage.

Author's Note:

"The narratives we create in order to justify our actions and choices become in so many ways who we are." -Tiny Beautiful Things, Cheryl Strayed.

Shauna has convinced herself that, because she had a traumatic home life, and because she needs to protect and provide for herself and Claire, everything she does to make money is justified. While this belief allows her to do questionable things with what she thinks is a clear conscience… Well, it comes at a high price.

For example, because of this hyper focus on money- both on genuinely needing it and using the pursuit of it as a bulletproof justification for everything she does- Shauna fails to realize that people approach her transactionally because she approaches them transactionally. Somewhere along the line, she decided that no one was going to help her freely, not even people like Yeva and Sam. And her situation was and continues to be traumatic. I don't think she'll have room for self reflection and growth until she's financially secure enough to have some breathing space, which doesn't seem close at hand.

To be honest, though, I think she trusted Yeva, Sam, and even Izzy in a way she never trusted anyone else, besides Claire. That's why she's so volatile about Izzy, and especially about losing her welcome at the Williams' home and her chances to be involved with Izzy again. I think, in her mind, it's something like- You took care of me, but the moment I crossed a line that I needed to cross to meet my basic needs, you kicked me out instead of helping me? To her, that's proof that no one can be trusted, and she was wrong to get so comfortable with the Williams. Of course, as Amy points out, all Shauna had to do was be upfront about her situation to receive help. But Shauna's difficult home life is a huge part of the narrative she made for herself, the one that excuses all of her actions. Because of that, she has internalized that she's "less than" because of her poverty and her mother's drug problems, which the Williams would never have held against her. But they did hold her thieving against her, as well as the signs that she didn't actually care for Izzy, which were clearer to Yeva and Sam than to Izzy.

Ah- And, of course, Shauna's hyper focus on her reputation is… She's clearly blowing it out of proportion, and she's far too self-important… Which may come back to her narrative again. Maybe she senses the tension of her narrative not excusing her behavior as much as she wants it to? Maybe she wants to feel accepted and loved, because part of her narrative is seeing herself as less than? Maybe her reputation is a stand-in for actual intimacy? You might have noticed that she never seems to have anyone to talk to about what she's going through, other than chasing down Izzy and Amy, to poor effect.

Also, SO MANY PROPS to Yeva and Sam for sensing problems, but giving Izzy a chance to work things out on his own. When Izzy clearly wasn't making any progress, his parents knew that the best way to understand Shauna's true intentions was to cut off the resources she was abusing. And they were, of course, correct (whomp whomp).

I wonder what Amy is going to do with this new knowledge that Shauna has a little sister? Ironically, Amy is the first person to know this, outside of Shauna's mother, the strangers she brought to the trailer, and the other trailer park residents. We'll come back to this, but only after Izzy and Amy take some time to focus on themselves.

Speaking of which, the next chapter is the last one before this story takes a hiatus while I switch back to Tri: Integrity Lens. Please look forward to it!