Chapter 56: Suck it Up!

Meredith and Derek exchanged quick smiles as he drove his car into the parking lot. For the first time, one of them didn't have to get off before reaching their destination when they commuted together. Derek parked his jeep in Meredith's spot, close to the entrance and they ran up together under the pouring rain. Once inside, their hands quickly found each other.

"Are you nervous?" he asked detecting a slight tension in her moves.

"I'm… good," she smiled at him as they reached the elevators.

"I'm right beside you," he assured her, letting her in before him.

"I'm right inside you would feel even better but that will do too, I guess," she quipped as they huddled close in the corner even though they were the only occupants of the elevator.

"So, I thought…" he began but trailed off as her neck she just uncovered sliding off her scarf called for his attention.

"Yeah?" she breathed, giving more access to his lips.

"I thought that since we're starting to do normal things couples do, we could… go on a date," he said.

"A date?" she raised her eyebrows realizing that in fact, they had never been on an actual date. "What exactly do you have in mind?"

She didn't learn the answer as the door opened on the next floor. They stopped talking as Cristina Yang, dressed in her scrubs, strode inside.

Meredith's fingers tried to escape from Derek's palm, but he tightened his grip on them insistently.

"Oh, hey," Cristina threw casually and turned her back towards them. "Don't stop on my account."

"So, uhm," sighed Derek uncomfortably after a few seconds. "I thought… a dinner?"

"Yeah," agreed Meredith quickly. She realized she'd have to learn to act normally around Derek in front of other people.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah." Wait, what was she agreeing to do?

The three of them stood in ensuing silence waiting for the end of the ride when Cristina asked with amusement in her voice, "Just out of professional curiosity, did you really break his man tool?"

"How's Dr. Hunt, Cristina?" asked dryly Derek.

"Point taken," she chuckled. "Thanks for stealing the vultures' attention, by the way. Oh and, congratulations or whatever." She shrugged her shoulders and left quickly when they reached their level.

"Great," Meredith pushed herself off the elevator wall. "Now I'm not Dr. Model anymore, now I'm the Penisbreaker."

He led her out to the corridor with a smile, "You didn't break anything."

Her eyes swept over the crowded lobby and her features hardened at the sight of the surreptitious glances thrown in their direction.

"Good morning, Dr. Grey, Dr. Shepherd," a nurse whizzed past them with a toothy smile.

Meredith made to stalk to her office but Derek stopped her back, firmly holding her hand. She turned back to him clenching her lips, aware of the curious looks they were getting.

"What?" she asked quietly with a wry smile. "You're making a scene."

"Meredith," he cocked his head putting a little pressure to pull her closer. "We talked about this."

"Don't McDreamy me in here," she hissed keeping straight face. "Everyone's looking! Can you… let go of my hand?"

"No," he grinned at her. "Not until I see you're okay."

She felt disarmed by him and sighed, "Nothing has changed since yesterday, Derek. I'm good, we're good."

"Good," he nodded his head. "No goodbye kiss?"

Her eyes went wide and she pinched his palm to make him release her, slightly afraid he might sweep her into his arms. "No PDA in the hospital, remember?"

"Sadly," he sighed.

She turned on her heel with a roll of her eyes, intent to go to her office. Furtive looks, smirks or open staring, yesterday she had to deal only with a portion of that. She halted abruptly behind two whispering nurses standing near the vending machine as she caught the sound of her name.

"Don't you have a job to do?" growled Meredith out of a sudden.

The nurses didn't look scared as they always did when she threw a fit of rage, they… giggled.

"Yes, Dr. Grey," they nodded and walked off but not fast enough.

"Someone didn't do the job right last night," laughed one of them.

"Yeah, well, everyone knows he can't, can he?" whispered excitedly another.

"Yeah, poor Dr. Shepherd…" pondered the nurse sympathetically.

"Poor Dr. Grey!"

"That's kind of her doing!"

Meredith let out a defeated sigh. The one thing that spread faster than disease in this place was gossip; gossip that was quite… inaccurate. Dr. Shepherd always did his job right, not that she was to share that remark with the nurses.

Meredith stood at the head of the table, her hands and her mind working swiftly and effortlessly leading a ruthless fight against time and gravity of injuries. The surgery was different than any other she remembered, and she had a lot of them in her career. This one… would certainly stand out in her memory.

The surgical tools in her fingers worked the usual magic but she was not driven with the excitement and the rush of adrenaline triggered by cutting into a human's brain. Right now, she tried so hard pushed by a kind of quirky sorrowful desperation.

She never got emotionally invested in her patients. Never. That was a golden rule, one of the very few things in life over which she was in complete agreement with her mother. Sympathizing with patients was emotionally draining, Ellis taught her that. When she was a kid, her mother pointed at a doctor, a middle-aged man, who had tears in his eyes while talking with his patient's family. Ellis told her daughter with scorn that he would never be a good surgeon; he was too weak to be a rescuer for others. Meredith believed, you surely had to be tough to fight against death.

Since that moment she followed the belief wholeheartedly. Until today, until this procedure when she couldn't bar so many unwanted thoughts from entering her mind. She was operating along Bailey and Hunt on a young woman, Allison, who had been badly beaten and raped. It was a miracle she was still breathing when she was transported to the hospital with multiple skull fractures, internal injuries and a compound leg fracture.

Meredith was pretty sure she could blame her current state of mind on Derek. He made her feel. He woke up her heart from serene lethargy to life, more exciting yet more painful. Now, she couldn't dispose the vision of herself lying on that cold table instead of Allison. If the world functioned according to the laws of logic, she would be lying here. But the world was one fucked up place… or maybe people made it that way.

"Excellent work, Chief," Bailey praised her as they proceeded to scrub out.

"Thank you," she answered indifferently. Her work today was mastery from the beginning to the end, but she wished she had never had to do it in the first place.

"You know I figured you'd be in seventh heaven today," went on Bailey. "Nothing stopping you and Shepherd from smelling each other in elevators anymore."

Meredith scowled at her washing her hands without her usual energy, "Technically, I'm your boss, you know?"

Miranda raised her eyebrows amusedly like she wanted to say, "No shit." "You need to suck it up or we'll all have to face a moping Shepherd," she snorted snatching paper towel to dry herself and skipped away.

"She's… something," chuckled Owen shaking off the droplets of water.

"She is," sighed Meredith heavily. "But… a lot of people around here are. You, for example," she added quietly. She felt some kind of connection to him. Half a year ago they were both shells of normal people. For both of them everything changed drastically.

"Me?" he said modestly.

"So, how it's been going?" she asked. "I saw you with Dr. Yang yesterday."

"It's… been better," he nodded. "Actually, I've been meaning to thank you."

Meredith looked up at him questioningly.

"Yeah," confirmed Owen. "You gave me a chance. I was really messed up… I'm not saying that now I'm not, but we're out of the woods finally. The place has been good for me, people have been good for me."

Meredith's lips curled in a little melancholic smile. "You've got nothing to thank me for. Everybody deserves a second chance. I've been given one too." She paused for a moment and took up, "Do you get that feeling sometimes… you go on and work and suddenly something makes you realize how different of a person you've become."

"Frankly?" asked Owen looking at her with mild humor. "All the time."

Meredith nodded and stared at her hands intently while she was wiping them with paper.

"I guess we need to… suck it up," quipped Owen before joining Meredith and leaning back against the sinks.