Chapter 57
Phoebe's POV
It has been about a week since Sawyer passed. I have been experiencing a world wind of emotions. I haven't left the new house and have taken off work. His funeral is this weekend. I am really struggling with that. Right now, we are waiting for his family to come take his stuff from the new house. Hen is with Mrs. Moore right now.
We haven't spoken to the Sawyer's at all yet. Mrs. Sawyer and I were very close when I was young. I always begged Sawyer to let us go play at his mom's house. As I grew older we talked less and less. I tried calling her this past week and she didn't answer. Sawyer's sister is the one who called and arranged this pick up.
I walk out of the bedroom and go look in the mirror. Sleep has not been easy. Being 34 weeks pregnant and losing what feels like a parent gives me about 2 hours a night. I wash my face and start putting on makeup. I have to cover my dark circles and look presentable.
I put on a sundress and jean jacket. It is about all that is comfy anymore since my pants don't fit. Nathan has breakfast waiting for me on the kitchen counter. When I walk out he looks up from his phone. "Good morning," he says and wraps me in his arms. I stay there for a while.
"Morning," I say and he kisses my head.
"They should be here soon," I say and he nods.
"Do you still want to go to your appointment?" Nathan asks. Shit.
"Yes," I say and Nathan nods.
"We get to see the little one in 3D," He smiles and I nod. I force a smile as I eat a piece of toast.
"Bee," Nathan says and I look up. He starts to say something but stops himself.
"What?" I ask.
"I just, I hate seeing you this way," he says and I nod. If I had a penny for everytime someone has said that to me this week.
"Maybe, we could look into seeing a counselor," Nathan says. I look over at him. Anger bubbles inside of me.
"Nathan, I lost someone who has been glued to my side since birth 5 days ago. Just because I am upset does not mean I need a counselor," I said. "I am a psychologists for pete's sake. If anyone can handle grief it is me," I snap. I bring my plate to the dishwasher. Nathan is just looking at me sadly.
"Stop, doing that," I say as I walk by him. He stops me by gently grabbing my arm. I shake my head and pull away but he holds me tighter.
"Just let me in, Bee," he says and as I am about to respond there is a knock on the door.
I open the door and find Sawyer's mom, Ella, and Sawyer's sister, Katherine. "Hi guys, come on in," I say. They both look like they haven't slept in days. Their eyes are bloodshot. You can tell they have done a lot of crying. It is hard to look at Ella. the pain in her eyes is only one a mother can recognize.
"How are you?" Katherine asks. I haven't talked to Katherine much. She always lived in Nevada.
"Holding up, how are you both? I am so sorry for your loss," Ella says nothing. She doesn't even look at me.
"Thank you. We are processing. We miss him," Katherine says and I nod. Me too. I miss him too.
"Where is it?" Ella asks. She has movers that are here. We had all the stuff packed up in boxes for them. I couldn't do it. Gail came and helped. Everytime I smelled his cologne or saw familiar clothes, I broke down.
"Right here," I say and lead them through the foyer. Mrs. Sawyer nods and looks at all of it.
She starts crying as the movers take the stuff. It takes all my strength not to break down with her. I feel Nathan place a hand on my shoulder. She is the spitting image of Sawyer. Dark hair, sharp features, she is exactly like him.
"I am so sorry, Ella," I say. I go to hug her and she pulls away.
"You should be," Mrs. Sawyer snaps. My chest aches as the words hit me.
"Mom," Katherine snaps.
"He died because of you and the shit you got involved in…. My son, my only son is dead beccause of you," before I can understand what is happening there is a stinging pain on my cheek. She slapped me. Nathan jumps up to defend me, and she falls into Katherine's arms crying. I gasp for air.
"Don't she is right," I say to Nathan. I grab him and my cheek.
"Leave our property now," Nathan says. Tears fall down my face.
"I am so sorry," I say again to Ella and Katherine.
"You killed him, don't come to his funeral. I will have you removed. Fuck you," Mrs. Sawyer spits out. I black out. I watch as Nathan removes them. Katherine apologizes over and over again as she pushes her mom out. Nathan shuts the door.
I killed him.
His mother believes that I killed him.
My best friend.
"Phoebe," Nathan grabs my shoulders.
"Don't," I say and walk away. Tears roll down my face. Nathan follows me. I go into the master bathroom and lock the door.
"Phoebe, Phoebe please," I am on autopilot. Nathan pounds on the door.
"Don't," It is the only word I can muster right now. I turn on the shower and strip off my clothes. I feel disgusting. Mrs. Sawyer thinks I killed her son and maybe she is right.
I step into the hot shower. Nathan's knocking stops momentarily. I sit on the floor of the shower and put my head on my knees as best as I can. The water pours over me. I break down for what feels like the 100th time this week.
I am sobbing. I feel so empty. Why Sawyer?
(Flashback Phoebe 17)
My parents are gone in the Bahamas. They finally rescheduled their trip since I got sick the last time they went. I am at Nathan's and we are hooking up. I can't believe there was a time where I didn't want to do this.
I am straddling Nathan on his couch. His hands are finding their way up my shirt. My phone starts to ring.
"Mm leave it," Nathan says as he undoes my bra.
"I can't," I moan against his mouth. I find my phone and see Sawyer is calling me.
"SHIT," I say and practically lounge off Nathan.
I forgot to mention it is 2 in the morning and I snuck out of my house to go to Nathan's. Sawyer is watching me. I am absolutely done for. He is going to kill me.
"Hello," I say trying to sound like he just woke me up.
"Don't even try it, I was just in your room. I will be at Nathan's in less than 30 seconds you better be outside," he says. I look at Nathan and mouth 'Fuck'
I get up quickly and resnap my bra. I throw on my sweatshirt and shoes. We both run upstairs and Sawyer's headlights flash in the window.
"It was nice knowing you," I say and Nathan laughs.
"Phoebe you and I both know you have him wrapped around your finger, nothing is going to happen," Nathan says. I nod. He is right, but Sawyer can be scary when he is mad.
I open the front door and run into Sawyer's car. I buckle my belt and feel him staring at me from the front seat. I look up and see him. He is PISSED.
"I am sorry," I say.
"Phoebe- what the hell? You were at Nathan's until midnight," He says. This is true. But sneaking out is so thrilling.
"I know, I shouldn't have done it," I say.
"No you shouldn't have. You scared the shit out of me," he says. "I went into your room because the smoke detector battery in your closet started going off and I see an empty bed," he says and I nod. Damn smoke detector. I would have made it if it wasn't for the stupid smoke detector. I had Nathan pick me up so my car was still there.
"Do you know what your dad would do if he found out?" Sawyer asks. Oh he is pulling out the big guns here.
"PLease don't tell him Sawyer, I will never be able to see Nathan again. Please, I will do anything," I beg.
"We'll see. I am serious, PG, if you try this shit again, your parents will be the first people I call," he says. I smile as that means I am not getting in trouble.
We pull into my driveway and walk inside. I turn towards Sawyer who doesn't look too pleased. I put my hands on the counter.
"I am sorry, Sawyer," I give him a smile. He comes over and wraps his arms around me.
"In all fairness, Taylor did leave the instructions for the alarms right outside the door," I mumble against his chest.
"Watch it," he says and I laugh.
(End Flashback)
I don't stop crying. My chest heaves up and down as I cry into my hands. Everything hurts. My head, my chest, my heart. I think about what Ella said.
Don't show up to the funeral.
Sawyer was my best friend. I can't not go to his funeral. I know he would want me there. I need to go there. I need closure. I also need his family to know how sorry I am.
Nathan's pounding at the door returns. I don't have the energy to stand. I keep crying into my hands. I want to be alone. Everyone pities me and says the same thing. I just want to be alone.
"Phoebe, I am opening the door," Nathan says. Shit. I forgot there is a key in the new house to all the bedrooms and bathrooms.
I keep staring at the tears falling onto the shower floor. "Baby," Nathan says and opens the glass shower door. Nathan strips down and enters the shower. I think he knows I won't leave anytime soon.
"Come here," Nathan opens his arms and pulls me into them. He wraps both arms around me tightly.
"None of this is your fault, baby," Nathan says and I shake my head. He is lying.
"Sawyer died protecting me," I say and Nathan shakes his head.
"Phoebe, the police said that this was a hit and run. The person could have been drunk for all we know," Nathan says and that doesn't help.
"I just want to say sorry," I say and Nathan holds my face in his hands.
"You don't have anything to apologize for, Bee," Nathan says. I pull away.
"He shouldn't have died," I say.
"You are right, and it is not fair that he did," Nathan says against my head.
"I am so sad," I say. Nathan holds me tighter.
"I wish I could take it away," Nathan says.
We sit like that for a while. I cry and Nathan holds me. I wish I could bring him back. I want this to all go away. The baby kicks and I look down at my stomach. The baby is here. My little bean.
We clean up and head back out. Noel is dropping Henry off. She gives me a sad smile and hugs me tightly. "I am so sorry," She says and I thank her.
Henry and Nathan are playing in the backyard. The new house has a huge open backyard and a pool. We put a gate around the pool, so there was no chance of Henry falling in.
I sit on our back porch swing and watch them run around. I have no idea what I am going to do about Sawyer's funeral. I can't not go. But also, it is his family's request. I decide to text his sister.
*Call me when you have a chance.* I send the text and anxiously wait for a response.
My phone starts to ring and I go inside. I sit on a barstool in the kitchen. "Hi Katherine," I say.
"Phoebe, I want to apologize," she starts off saying.
"Please, no apology is necessary," I tell her.
"Did we forget a box?" she asks.
"No, I actually- I wanted to ask about the funeral. I completely understand if my family and I are not welcome, but if we are we would love to be there," I say. She is quiet for a moment.
"I wish I could say yes and tell you that it is a good idea, but my mother. She is in a really bad place. I don't know if she can handle both burying him and seeing you all," she says and I nod silently. I wipe the tears away.
"I understand," I say.
"I don't think any of this is your fault, Phoebe. My mom is just trying to find someone to blame," she says.
"I am so sorry," I say.
"Phoebe, he adored you. You were like his daughter. He would be telling you right now that this is not your fault," she says and I nod.
"I wish things were different," she says. "I will text you the gravesite right now, you are welcome to bring flowers," she says. I can hear her voice cracking. I feel awful.
"Thank you," I say and she bids me goodbye. I put my phone down and place my head in my hands. We can't go to Sawyer's funeral. I go to call my parents and there is a knock on the door.
I walk over and answer. My dad is there with a bag of food. I didn't know I needed to see someone so much. I wrap my arms around him tightly. He steps back and wraps me in his arms.
"Oh Bubs," he says.
"I am fine," I say and stand there as he rubs my back.
We go inside. When Henry sees my dad he is on his feet running towards him. That makes me smile. This is like Christmas morning for him.
"BUBS you pway in yard," Henry says and grabs my dads hand trying to pull him to the backyard.
"Hen, I brought lunch over why don't we eat first," My dad says and Henry looks at him.
"You sit here," Henry says and points to the chair next to his booster seat.
"Henry, what do we say when we want something?" Nathan asks.
"Pwease sit here, Bubs," Henry says. I smile and tell him good job. He has great manners, sometimes he just needs to be reminded. My dad brought over our favorite restaurant's food. I got a chicken wrap. I make Henry a peanut butter and jelly at the island and everyone sits around it.
"I just got off the phone with Katherine Sawyer," I say. Nathan looks up quickly.
"She requested that our family doesn't come to the funeral," I say and my dad looks up at me from Henry.
"What?" My dad says.
"Ella Sawyer is holding us responsible for Luke's death. She is in a very fragile state, obviously," I say. I pass Henry his plate.
"Thank you, momma, you sad?" Henry asks and we all look at him.
"No baby, mama is just tired. Your brother or sister has been playing soccer in my belly," I say and that makes Henry laugh.
"Silly broder. Gentle wif momma," Henry says and we all laugh. He has truly gotten us through these very dark days.
"Phoebe, when did you talk to Katherine?" My dad asks.
"Just now and trust me, Ella can't have us there. I am not going to disrespect her wishes when she just lost her son," I say. I sigh and place down my wrap. I rub my eyes.
"I am sorry, Bubs," I can see in my dad's eyes it is killing him to see me this way. I take a deep breath.
"We should send them flowers," I say.
"Not after this morning," Nathan snaps. I shoot him a warning glare. I didn't want my dad to hear about that. Fuck.
"What happened," my dad says.
"Nothing," I sigh. I look at Henry who is rolling a matchbox car back and forth in one hand and has his sandwich in the other. To be 2 again.
"No, what happened," my dad asks.
"Ella came into our house, blamed us for the death and slapped Phoebe across the face," Nathan explains.
"Seriously," I glare at Nathan.
"What," my dad roars. Henry looks up.
"It is okay, buddy," I say to him.
"Why wasn't I called?" my dad asks.
"Because we are two fully grown adults. Ella Sawyer just lost a son," I say.
"That does not give her the right to slap you," my dad says and picks up his phone.
"Don't Dad. She is grieving. You don't know what you would do if you lost Teddy or I. I know what she did wasn't right, but she lost the most important thing in her world," I say. I wipe a stray tear that falls.
My dad walks over and hugs me tightly. "I don't know where you got your empathy from," he says against my hair. It comes from him. He just refuses to believe it.
"Bubs, if anyone ever lays a finger on you again, I want to be called," he says and I nod.
"Nathan was there," I say.
"I am glad he was, but I want to be notified," he says and I nod.
"All done, we play now?" Henry asks. My dad and I both turn.
"Yes, we can play buddy. Mom and Dad have a doctor's appointment to go to," My dad says and I nod. We have an ultrasound to see the baby.
"Momma is sick?" Henry asks.
"No bud, we get to go to the doctor to see your baby brother or sister," Nathan says bending down to Henry.
"I want to see broder or sissy," he says and I smile.
"This is only for adults, baby. We will bring back pictures. You get to stay and play with Bubs. You can show him your new room and playroom," I tell Henry.
"Bubs, come on," Henry tugs on my dad's arm.
Nathan and I head out after saying goodbye. Nathan is driving. I stare out the window. It is weird to not see Sawyer following us. Nathan rubs his hand up and down my leg.
We walk into our appointment and get taken back. I lay down on the table. I wore a shirt, so I could just pull it up. I made the mistake of wearing a dress once. Nathan hasn't said much and neither have I.
Dr. Greene walks in smiling. "Hi, Moore's, how are we?" She asks, having her usual big smile.
"Good," I give her a small smile.
"How is Baby M? Any new symptoms or things I should know about?" She asks, opening up my chart.
"Not that I can think of, they are moving around a lot," I say and Dr. Greene smiles.
"That is a great sign. Let's get this ultrasound started. I have a screen here for you guys to look at," She says. This ultrasound machine looks different because it is a 3D ultrasound.
"Okay, let's try to find the face," Dr. Greene says. I watch in awe. For a moment, all I can focus on is seeing my baby. Everything else goes away.
"These are the fingers," she says and I smile.
'Look how little," I say and Nathan is smiling proudly.
"Here is the lips, and here we go," she pauses the screen. Our baby's face is on the screen. Tears roll down my face.
"The baby has your nose, Bee," Nathan says and I smile. They do have a little button nose. They have Nathan's lips that I have always been jealous of.
"BEautiful," Dr. Greene says.
"Here is the feet and legs," I am watching in awe. It is so cool to see all of this.
"So the baby is measuring at about 16.7 inches and 4 lbs, that is on the small side, but nothing to be worried about. They are growing at a healthy rate," she says and I nod.
"I am going to get these printed for you. Everything else looks great. When I get back I want to discuss a birth plan," Dr. Greene says. She leaves and I look at Nathan.
"We are set on what we discussed right?" I ask.
"Well, I am happy with what we said, but ultimately I want you to be comfortable with what is happening to your body," Nathan says and I nod. I lucked out with him.
Dr. Greene comes back in and hands us each a copy of the pictures and extra for our family. I smile down at them. Our little bean. Henry is going to be so excited. Whenever we brought home the 2D ultrasound pictures he told us the baby looked like mashed potatoes. He keeps us laughing.
"Okay, so with all my first time moms I like to discuss the birthing plan. HAve you guys discussed this or made one?" Dr. Greene asks.
"Yes, we have," I say.
"Okay, we can start this discussion today and then as we get closer write out a solid plan. I do like to warn all my mom's that sometimes the babies have their own plan and we have to listen and throw ours out the window," she says and I nod.
"Obviously the safety of Phoebe and the baby is our first priority. Whatever it takes to get them both through it safely is the plan," Nathan says and I nod resting my hand on my stomach.
"Right. I am glad to hear that. So for the birth, you are wanting a vaginal delivery," Dr. Greene says.
"Yes, that would be my first choice," I say.
"For my first time mom's I usually won't induce unless they want to be before 41 weeks," she says and I nod.
"After 41 weeks, I don't think I will oppose being induced," I say and she smiles.
"Are you planning on getting an epidural?" Dr. Greene asks.
"Umm I do not know yet," I say. She nods and tells her nurse to go get me paperwork on epidurals.
"These are very informational. I suggest reading and then making your decision," she says.
Dr. Greene keeps asking questions. I am starting to feel a little overwhelmed and underprepared. This baby is coming in 6 weeks. The anxiety fills my stomach.
"Phoebe?" Dr. Greene asks. She snaps me out of my thoughts. I feel like I am about to burst into tears.
"Sorry, what was the question?" I ask.
"If I am not on call or available when you give birth do you have a preferred OB from our practice?" Dr. Greene asks. I look at Nathan who is looking at Dr. Greene.
"I-I don't know. I hadn't thought of that. Or a lot of this stuff really," I say and my voice breaks.
"I am sorry," I say and leans forward putting my face in my hands. I am emotional, hormonal and grieving. Not a good combonation to feel overwhelmed.
"Hey, Bee," Nathan says and wraps his arms around me.
"Phoebe, don't feel overwhelmed. Baby isn't moving anytime soon and we have time. I am going to send you home with a birth plan template and you and Nathan can fill it out when you have time," she says. I nod and try wipe my tears away.
"I am sorry," I say.
"Pheobe, don't apologize, I know this can be a lot of information and questions at once," Dr. Greene says.
"I am going to leave you guys now, but I will see you in two weeks. Call if you need anything," Nathan shakes her hand and she pats my leg. As the door shuts Nathan comes and stands between my legs as I sit on the table.
"Hey, look at me," Nathan says and cups my face in his hands.
"It is okay, we are going to have this all figured out," Nathan says. "You heard Dr. Greene, we have so much time," he says and I nod. I lean forward hugging Nathan. He kisses my head and rubs my back.
We leave the doctor's and head back to our house. It is all starting to feel like home now. I love that Henry and this baby will have a backyard to play in. Escala was great for Nathan and I, but not to raise babies in.
Nathan's phone pulls me out of my thoughts. I look over as he answers it on the bluetooth feature of the car. "Hi Mom you are on speaker," Nathan says.
"Your dad is eligible for parole," six words. Six words just ruined everything.