Chapter 57.
Dean, Cas and Sarah were waiting in the garage by the time Sam parked the Impala there. He got out and Jack quickly followed. A quick look at their faces reassured him to some degree. Most importantly, Cas and Dean were standing together, with no obvious tension between them.
Dean smiled at Jack. "Did you have a good time?"
"I did." said Jack, "We had milkshakes and drove around some places I haven't been before. It was great."
"Well, you clean the car. Only fair you get to enjoy it sometimes." He turned to Sam, "Probably did you a world of good too, getting out of here for a while."
"Probably." said Sam, "So, how did everything go here?"
"We've been planning the road trip we're gonna have when Michael is dead." said Dean, "Turns out, Cas here has always wanted to ride a bull."
"Has he?" said Sam. It made no sense to him, but it was discussion of the future and that seemed hopeful.
"And he's fine with the Hawaiian shirts thing." said Dean.
"I don't remember discussing Hawaiian shirts." said Cas, looking puzzled.
"You said you'd wear anything."
"Oh, that."
"Backsliding now, of course." said Dean.
"No." said Cas.
"Good! So that's settled."
Sam suspected the bull was a similar thing, Dean railroading an uncertain Castiel into agreement and Sam understood. Dean needed a commitment to the future from Cas and anything would do. Of course, Cas did not lightly make commitments or even decisions of any kind.
The look on Cas's face though, was not of resignation or resistance, but relief. Dean had unconventional ways to show affection, but bullying someone into expressing any interest in sticking around was one of the most unequivocal. He looked like a stray puppy whose distraught owner had just appeared at the pound, desperate to take him home. He was relieved that running away was not going to be punished with abandonment.
"How are you doing, Cas?" said Sam.
Dean looked at Cas too, trying not to look like he needed to hear the answer.
"We've been talking about good things." said Cas, "I feel a lot better."
Dean rolled his eyes at Sam. Cas was not getting any better at lying.
"I should head back to the farm." said Sarah, "I need to be sure Jules is okay."
"Of course." said Dean, "I'll drive you home. What are you planning to tell Jules?"
She looked at Cas and said, "I think I have to tell her the truth. She deserves to know. She needs to know. And Castiel wants me to give her the crystal."
"I do." said Cas, handing it to her.
"Any other message?" said Sarah.
"No apology will fix what I did. Anything I say will just make things worse."
"You could tell her you love her."
"I think that would be the worst thing I could say." he said.
"When she knows what happened today, she may want to talk to you." said Sarah.
"You're gonna have to face her sometime." said Dean.
Sam noticed the slight change in Cas's expression, as if he were slipping back, out of their reach. Quickly, he said, "Well, let's deal with that when it happens. I think Cas needs a little time."
Dean looked at him doubtfully for a moment, then nodded. "Yeah. Today's been ... Well, yeah."
That was an interesting response. No argument. It seemed that giving them some time and space to talk had been a good idea.
Sarah seemed to agree. "We can discuss it when you're ready, Castiel, but should I tell her not to call you?"
"I don't know." he said.
She hugged him. "You call me if you need me. Doesn't matter what time. If you need anything, you call."
"Thankyou." he said.
She turned to Jack and hugged him. "Put your mind at ease. Everyone here is on the same side and I'll take good care of Jules."
He held her tightly for a moment and then let her go. "Tell her everything will be okay." he said.
"I will." she said. She went to Sam and he immediately pulled her into a hug, feeling the warmth of her love in the way she hugged back. "You and Jack can call too." she said.
"Thanks." he said.
"I know you feel you have to be strong for everyone, but we all care about you, too."
"I know you do." he said, "Thanks for coming. Thanks for always coming when we need you."
When she and Dean had gone, Cas said, "I appreciate your intervention."
"I understand some of what you're going through." said Sam, "Don't worry about future issues tonight."
"I know that I will have to talk to her." said Cas, "And I know that I'm a coward for not wanting to. It's not that I don't want to be friends with her. It's just tha to talk to her and to acknowledge that we can never be together feels so hard today."
"There may still be a way for you to be together." said Sam.
"I think so too." said Jack and Sam saw a look of confusion in Cas's eyes, but it was quickly gone. He was trying to be inscrutable, but Sam had been reading that face for years. For some reason, Jack's continued confidence in his relationship was unexpected.
"Acceptance will be harder if I cling to false hope." said Cas.
Sam could hear the weariness in his voice and he knew that no amount of talking would fix anything that night. "Then just cling to your friends." he said, "We'll take care of you."
"I enjoyed talking about the road trip with Dean." said Cas.
"Good. So, you really wanna ride a bull, huh?"
"Very much." said Cas.
"So do I." said Jack, "It sounds awesome."
"Dean said you could go surfing, Sam." said Cas.
"Could be fun." said Sam, "I surfed a little when I was in college."
"Were you good?" said Jack.
"I wasn't the best." said Sam, "Wasn't the worst."
"You were good!" said Jack, "I knew it!"
"Well, years ago." said Sam, "I'm not saying I even still know what to do."
"Do you think I'd look ridiculous in a Hawaiian shirt?" said Cas to Sam.
"I think you'd look great." said Sam.
"I mean, I don't have a problem with looking ridiculous, if that's what Dean wants."
"Why would Dean want that?" said Sam.
Cas took the lighter out of his pocket and looked at the engraved words. He shook his head slightly and put it back.
"Cas, is something wrong?" said Sam.
"Just thinking of the road trip." said Cas, "It will be amusing. It will be fun." There was no joy at all in the words and Sam knew that Cas didn't think it would ever come to pass.