Jax walked in the house to see Vanessa sitting in Abel's nursery. A frown on her face as she sat on the daybed just looking at the crib again. She couldn't think of anything else except her son. She wanted to cry. The not knowing if he was safe, or hungry, or cold caused her to pray to her mother, to Donna, to her own daughter. She begged them to keep him safe. Prayed that these prayers wouldn't go unanswered too.
She looked up to see Jax's tired and worn eyes staring at her with a matching distraught look on his face. But he didn't speak.
"We both know that you didn't bring me back to Charming just to protect me from Kohn. And I didn't agree to come back here because I was afraid of him. I came back because I love you, and I stayed because I love you."
"It doesn't matter now."
"It matters to me, Jax!" She got off the daybed and walked over to him. "Look at me. It matters to me. You told me that I needed to stop running, that you needed me to stay. That my face was the only one that you ever saw. That you never stopped loving me. That I was always the one for you. Well, I'm here and now you're the one trying to push me away."
"I never should have said any of that shit."
"It was the truth!" She yelled at him, tears pooling in her eyes. "It was the fucking truth and you know it. You know, after I left Charming, I lost a piece of myself. When I lost Lily…" she sighed, biting her lip, her eyes moving to the ceiling as she tried to stop the tears from falling even harder. She exhaled a shaky breath. "Fuck, when I lost her, I felt like I lost everything. I lost my entire being, Jax. I hated myself. I had no idea who I was anymore. I had no idea how to just be. But when I came back here with you, I felt whole again. I felt like me. I feel like me. I don't feel lost when I'm with you."
"I'm not the answer." Jax shook his head, trying to convince her that she was better off without him.
"Maybe not." She agreed. "But you have never been a question to me either. I don't question who I am or who I want to be when I'm here with you. When I was away from you for all those years, I realized something. I realized that we don't know who we are until we're connected to someone else. You realized that too. I know you did. After I left, we were both lost, baby. We were both lost until we saw each other again at the Reno clubhouse." Jax looked down and she put her hands on his chest. "I wasn't supposed to leave all those years ago, Jax. We both know that I was never supposed to leave. I belong here with you. I have always belonged here."
She began crying harder at the sight of a tear falling from his eyes. She grabbed a hold of his hand, kissing his rough fingers before speaking through her tears again.
"We're just better human beings when we're with the person we're supposed to be with." She sighed and squeezed his hand. "So you can try to push me away if you need to, Jax. Yell at me. Scream at me, if that's what you need. I get it. But you asked me all those months ago not to go anywhere. So, I'm not going anywhere."
Jax looked at her, he wiped the tears that lingered on her cheek and pulled her into a hug as he kissed the side of her head. She fell into him, finally feeling one ounce of true comfort since Abel was taken. She heard him sigh as she wrapped her arms around him tightly.
Vanessa wasn't surprised at the amount of people who were currently at Half Sack's wake. She thought that he was always a sweet kid and was proud to call him her friend. He was someone who could always make her laugh, even if he didn't mean to.
Jax looked at Vanessa, he could tell that she was stuck in her own mind and blaming herself for the death of Half Sack. So he wrapped his arm around her and kissed her temple gently.
"You okay?" He asked her. She just shook her head no, causing him to squeeze her tighter.
"Do you blame me?" She whispered into his kutte. He carefully touched the stitched up gash on her hairline and shook his head.
"You did what you could." He kissed just below the stitches. "Let's go in there."
They walked together inside, she could see people staring at her. Unsure if they were staring at her because they blamed her for Kip's death, or because of the unsightly bruises that she sported on her forehead and right side of her face. She looked to the ground, trying not to make eye contact with anyone as Jax escorted her to the front of the room. She stood in front of the black coffin, Kip's kutte and patch laying on top of it. The word 'SAMCRO' was engraved onto the side of the coffin and she knew that he would have been proud to represent the club. She knelt in front of the casket, putting her hand on it and saying a short prayer in her head.
"Thank you, Kip. And I'm so sorry." She whispered aloud, trying to hold back the tears. At this point, she wasn't even sure if she could cry anymore. The amount of crying she did in the past 24 hours had nearly broke her. But she was afraid that if she stopped crying, she would be numb and empty again, like how she was after Lily was taken from her. She refused to allow herself to feel numb again, because even though Lily was gone, she knew that she would get Abel back.
She would do anything to get him back.
Jax placed his hand right next to hers and she grabbed it before they both backed away from the casket, stopping right next to Clay. Jax nodded to her, squeezing her hand lightly before she walked outside, giving the men time to talk.
She stood next to Lyla who was rubbing her back gently, trying to comfort her. Vanessa gave her a sad smile when she saw Jax walking over to her looking upset just a few minutes later. He came right up to her and hugged her, kissing her forehead and holding onto her hips. She stared up at him, silently asking if he was okay. He just nodded and went to kiss her on the lips when he heard the automatic gunshots before seeing where they were coming from.
Instinctively, Jax pushed Vanessa onto the ground, laying on top of her to protect her. He heard her scream before she fell to the ground, her grip on him tight enough to cause pain, but he didn't care. He couldn't take his eyes off of her as he scanned over her body meticulously, ensuring that she was safe.
She looked up at him again, he was staring down at her, asking her if she was okay. She couldn't hear his voice though, only the gunshots and the screams. She nodded at him, not letting him go until she knew the firing was over.
The firing ended quick and she felt Jax get off of her, looking at the road where a white and silver van was speeding quickly off. She looked towards the crowd, seeing the distress of a young mother just a few feet away from her. Vanessa crawled to the little boy who was on the ground in his mother's arms. Her heart beat rapidly as she went to help him, when she noticed how much he looked like an older Abel.
She hesitated before feeling for his pulse, terrified of how much this young child reminded her of her own son. When she felt no pulse she looked at the mother, horrified. The woman was crying and begging for help. Begging anyone who would listen. Begging God. But the woman's prayers too went unanswered. Vanessa tried to stand up, but fell back down as she felt bile rising in her throat. She ran her hands over her face, trying to look anywhere but at the unmoving child next to her.
She heard firing again and flinched looking up to see where it was coming from. She looked to the road and saw the van speeding straight for a police officer who was standing in the middle of the road. It only took her a split second to realize that it was her brother.
Without hesitation she jumped up, trying to scream his name, but nothing came out. She watched in pure fear and shock as her brother was run to the ground viciously. He flew down and her eyes widened as she ran over to him.
"David!" She finally screamed as she watched the van speed over him. She continued running as she nearly fell on to the ground when arms wrapped around her. She could tell that it was Jax who grabbed onto her, but she just flailed her arms, pushing him to get away. She fought him only for a second before Jax's arms fell from around her. She took her chance and ran towards her older brother once again.
When she reached him, she fell onto her knees next to him, seeing his bleeding and road torn body. She reached for him, calling out to him and begging him to get up. She felt like she couldn't breathe, like her lungs were collapsing on her. This time as she felt no pulse, she couldn't hold in her vomit, puking right next to him as she stared upon her dead, unmoving brother.
Vanessa had to look away, seeing two cops holding down one of the shooters. She got up, her nostrils flaring, eyes tearing up, and upper lip curling in pure anger. Her heart beat loudly in her ears, harmonizing with the people who were screaming and begging for help. She looked at the chaos of the entire situation. A dead child. Her dead brother.
The thought of this all happening at her friend's funeral caused all the more anger to rise in her.
An uncontrollable surge of rage ran through her entire body as she inched closer and closer to the man. Her fingers itching to get a hold of a weapon so she could shoot this man point blank, so she could make him feel the pain that they were all feeling. So he could be dead too.
She watched as Jax's expression grew similar to hers. He looked at the man for one moment before his eyes fell onto her, looking at the heavy flow of tears that stained her bruised, yet beautiful face and the blood that stained her hands for the second time in only 24 hours. He looked to her for one more second before he ran towards the shooter, knocking the police officers over before straddling the shooter, grabbing him by the head, and slamming his skull into the cement street over and over again.
She realized the severity of the damage he was doing when the face of the shooter no longer looked like a face. He sputtered up blood and she saw a few of his teeth falling out of his mouth. She moved towards him, needing to stop her old man before he commited murder in front of more than a hundred people. She saw the guys race towards him to pull him off of the man who was now a bloody pulp laying on the ground.
"Jax! Stop it!" She yelled, trying to run over to him when she was stopped by Unser who had both of his arms around her. His grip on her was tight enough to keep her in place, but she begged him to let her go. To let her get to Jax who had several guns aimed on him. Who was now being handcuffed right in front of her.
She looked towards the unmoving man on the ground, begging him to make some sort of indication that he was still alive. Any indication that Jax hadn't killed him. But he didn't move one bit. She cried into Unser's chest as she watched Jax being put in the back of the police vehicle, fearing that she would lose both her brother and her old man in a matter of minutes.
For the second time in just a few short days, Vanessa stood outside the Charming Station House with a few of the members of the club, waiting for Jax to hopefully be released. She almost expected her brother to come out and talk to her, but he didn't. He couldn't.
Instead, Chief Unser let her know that there were going to be no charges. She cried in relief as he pulled her into a hug.
"I'm sorry about your brother." He spoke solemnly. "He was a good cop and an even better man. A good older brother too. He really cared about you, you know."
"Yeah. I know." She sniffled, pulling away. "Thanks, Wayne."
"Anything I can do for you, sweetheart, you just name it." He told her and she just nodded solemnly before he walked away from her and over to Clay.
She watched the doors open and close several times until she finally saw Jax. She stood up straight, looking right at him as he hugged his brothers. She wanted to run up to him, hug him, kiss him. But she lingered in the background, waiting for the guys to finish talking about the shooter.
Jax finally walked over to her and gave her a solemn smile. He couldn't help but see how defeated she looked. The bruises still prominent on her face, heavy bags under her eyes. He could tell she hadn't slept, not that he could blame her.
"I am so sorry, babe." He pulled her into a hug and kissed her head. He felt her melt into him, her resolve breaking as she gripped onto his kutte and released a breathy sob. "I don't know what to say."
"My brother and my dad are handling the arrangements. The, uh, the funeral is this afternoon. They don't want me involved." She tried to hide her tears by squeezing her eyes, but she couldn't. "I'm gonna try to talk to Tara about it."
"Shit." He squeezed her tighter. "I don't know what happens now, Vanessa."
"I can handle it."
"Can you?" He sighed. "I mean the shit you've been through in the past 48 hours alone is enough to break anyone. I lost it last night and I wouldn't blame you for high-tailing it the fuck out of here."
"I'm not gonna lose it, Jax." She tried to convince him. "W-what are we gonna do about those shooters? Do we know who did it?"
"We don't really know shit right now, babe."
"What are you gonna do when you do know?" Jax looked at her with a pointed look, almost like he knew that she knew the answer to that. "More violence. Is that what your dad would have wanted?"
"That's not what you want? These assholes killed an innocent kid. Murdered your brother."
"I know, Jax." She spat angrily. "And I want them to pay for that. I do. But is spilling more blood the way to do it?"
"Spilling blood is the only way our club handles retribution."
"And look at where that's got us." She scoffed. "The violence was something your dad wanted to change. This… This vicious cycle of revenge. I thought that was what you wanted to change too?"
"My son is missing. My mother is on the fucking run and is gonna be charged with murder. And my club was attacked last night. And we're gonna be going to prison in a few days. The last thing on my mind is fixing the club right now. So drop it, alright?"
"Okay." She muttered, taking his hands into her own. She nodded her head and took a deep breath. "Okay. I'm with you. We find Abel. We find a way to deal with your mother and then we worry about everything else."
"What happened last night's just the tip of the iceberg. It's gonna get a lot worse before it gets better."
"You trying to scare me? Push me away again?"
"Yeah, I am."
"I'm not leaving. We're gonna get through all of this shit. I'm gonna grieve my brother. We're gonna find our son and then we're going to move forward, Jax."
He just looked at her, disappointed that after everything he brought on to her, all of the pain and the suffering, the violence and the danger, she was still here. He wanted her here, but mostly he wanted her safe, like he promised. Alive. At the rate they were going, he wasn't too sure if he could promise himself that anymore.
"I gotta go." He nodded towards the rest of the guys, needing to put distance between the two of them. He could barely look her in the eye knowing how much danger he was putting her in by keeping her around in Charming.
"I love you. I'll see you later." She whispered, getting back in her car. She watched him get on his bike and put his helmet on, taking off speedily. She looked to the ringing cell phone that was on the passenger seat in her car and looked at the familiar number. She swallowed thickly through her dry throat, opening the phone.
"I just landed in Stockton, kid."
AN: First of all I was wondering how you guys would like a Klaus Mikaelson x OC fic. I have one in the works, I'm just considering whether I should post or not. So let me know! Second, thanks everyone for reading and following/favoriting! Grace, Tashiolove, BlueBloodsSVUOrder, NegansGirl2020, and hateme101 thank you all for reviewing and leaving feedback.
Grace - In response to your question, you just have to wait and see. We get to meet them in the next chapter!
NegansGirl2020 - I totally understand what you're saying. I do think that Jax would try to push Vanessa away. We've seen in the show that he tends to push others away and he turns into an asshole when he's facing a lot. And I do get what you're saying with just replacing Tara, that wasn't my intention. And I hope you like the changes I make in the future chapters because there will be quite a few.
hateme101 - Vanessa is stronger than Tara, though she's going through a tough time right now. You'll see in future chapters that Vanessa accepts her fair share of blame, but she does make sure that everyone knows that she's not the only one to blame.
And now a special special thanks to MaddyeTrager! I really appreciate how much you review my story and how you always have feedback or a nice comment. I really enjoyed thinking about all of your questions and I hope if you, or anyone else, has any other questions that you guys ask me them! I'll be more than happy to respond.
1: What inspired you to write the fic that way? Honestly, I must have rewatched SOA like 6 times, and at one point I just came up with the idea of Vanessa. Since this is my first SOA fic, I wanted to stay somewhat true to canon so I chose to insert her and figure out how she would impact the story. I do plan on having more original fic ideas in the future however.
2: Which scene did you put in first? During one of my rewatches, I came up with the idea of Vanessa and she was floating around in my head for a while. The first two ever scenes I had ever written and planned out was Abel's kidnapping scene because it is such a pivotal part of Jax's story and then another scene in a later season that I don't want to give away just yet! But this scene pretty much shaped my entire view for the story and how I wanted to start it.
3: What is your favorite storyline? In SOA, I loved the whole of season 2 and season 3 when they go to Ireland.
4: What is your favorite line of dialogue? I can't think of one specific line, but a lot of my favorite dialogue is in upcoming chapters. It gets deep between Jax and Vanessa.
5: Which part was more difficult to write? Emotionally, definitely a later scene that is also one of the first that I had written. But the beginning was definitely the most difficult to actually write. I found it hard to find an intriguing way to start the story and I actually hate the beginning still. I kind of want to rewrite it tbh
6: Where did the title come from? The song Chasing a Ghost by The Head and The Heart. I went back and forth with a ton of different names, then this song came on one day and I thought that it represented how both Jax and Vanessa feel about each other when they first come back together.
7: Did any real person or event inspire any part of this? Nope!
8: Was there an alternative version of this fic? Not exactly. I had never actually written one. But I have been playing with the idea of an alternate storyline where maybe Lily survives, or Vanessa never left idk. I have ideas but nothing set in stone just yet.
9: Why did you choose this pairing for this particular story? I really like Jax and how complex he is as a character. In SOA, we really see his downfall and how he struggles with being a father and an outlaw so I wanted to write about that, especially the family and relationship aspect and focus less on the MC. As for Vanessa, I wanted someone who is just as complex as Jax but stronger than Tara. In every story I have ever thought of an idea for, Jax is always with a smart and headstrong woman because I genuinely think that's what he would need in his life. So that's how Vanessa was born!
10: What do you like most about this fic? I adore Vanessa. She has a soft spot in my heart. And I was scared that I was writing Jax out of character for a while before publishing, but I really think I captured his complexity and kept him in character for most of the story so far.
11: What do you like least about this fic? Ugh the beginning. I think if I went back and changed it, I would make the whole story a little bit different as well so it didn't follow the direct timeline of the show. I genuinely dislike the first few chapters and want to go back and rewrite them eventually, possibly rewrite the whole story once I get most of it out.
12: What song did you hear, if any, to make you want to write this story? Chasing A Ghost by The Head and The Heart as I mentioned before. But I can't really think of anymore at the moment, but I'm sure as I started there were plenty of songs that inspired it.
13: Or, if you haven't heard anything yet, what do you think readers should hear to accompany us while reading? I actually disregard when other authors put songs to listen while reading and almost never listen to them because I have a really hard time focusing on just one thing at a time. So if I'm listening to music, I find it difficult to read. I don't know if that's strange, but I'm sorry if this answer is disappointing
14: Is there anything you would like readers to learn from reading this fic? Not so much from reading this story, but more as a background of this story. I think that I want my readers to know that my story started in 2018 as just a small blurb in my notes app on my phone and it is now a massive document on my computer that has well over 200k words (at this point in time). So I want them to know that a small idea, a scene, a vision of a character, or even just a quote can turn into a world of its own. So if you have an idea, run with it and create a whole world.
15: What did you learn when writing this fic? I learned that I need to be more confident in my skills. I had about 20 chapters written and about 20 more planned out before I even posted Chasing Ghosts. And I was terrified of posting it. I thought that no one would read it or comment on it. I thought that people would hate on my story and my writing. But I learned that people actually enjoy my story and I feel like I have a small little community of followers who always comment exciting and respectful things on it that really motivate me and make me feel good about my writing. So yeah, basically I learned that I need to be more confident in myself and in my writing.
16: Could you please answer here, so that your other readers can read Of course!
17: i love your story thank you so much!
18: Poor Vanessa, she is already being treated like a punching bag. Yeah, but it will not always be like this. Vanessa is strong and though they treat her pretty horribly sometimes, she has a lot of bite and is not afraid to speak up for herself. She's going through a tough time right now. Thank you so much for asking all of these amazing questions. I really appreciate it!