Chapter 58, everybody! Yes, I know, I really need to get back in the swing of posting this….

Pretty sure it's mentioned in some form of canon (I think it was The Electric Tale of Pikachu) that trainers are at the very least exempt from school, so it's not much of a stretch that they'd be tax exempt too—probably because travelling trainers would technically be considered transients and the taxes they pay are just absorbed into routine cost of living such as staying in hotels, from what I can gather. And then we discuss the theoretical war prior to the first game, why trainers start at ten, and why regular people shouldn't be using shadow travel.

In other news, it should really be no surprise that Team Rocket's good with costumes and such and…I couldn't resist a reference to Mulan and Ice Age, sorry.

And now for something completely different in the review responses: XT3100, SPYRO 101, Dragonkeeper10, AO3, thor94, Frost Glaive (fun fact, I wrote those up when the lockdown was supposed to last two weeks, they've been on the books for a while now), talesfanjmf, Urdeadnotbigsurprise, Cyan Quartz, Black Knight Lucario (oh it's coming—and that was Hophophop Town), Vulaan Kulaas (ah thank you), forward-smash, Silverwing23 (I've got that written up and it's interesting, let me tell you), TheLavenderHour, EllieJoFlow, and Luckenhaft (yes there was), thanks for the reviews! :D

Pokémon © Game Freak; Nintendo

And now, for something completely different:

In other news, Unova has announced today that they will be raising the minimum trainer age from ten to fifteen. Unovan officials are cited as failing to see a compelling reason to continue with a wartime tradition in a time of peace, and feel that older trainers may be more prepared than their preteen counterparts. Pokémon professors insist that the younger trainers are more acceptable to Pokémon, thus making fieldwork easier.

Ash had questions about being unloaded in front of the biggest, gaudiest mansion he had ever seen.

"Wow," he said. "That kid James lives here?"

"Hmm?" the butler noised—he was pretty sure the guy was a butler. "Oh no, that was for Growlie, the pet Growlithe. This is the main house."

"Wow," Ash repeated. "I did not know mansions went bigger."

"Isn't James' Growlithe named Growlie?" Misty hissed at Brock.

"I'm thinking that our James is definitely this James," Brock hissed back.

"When did he become ours?"

"I kind of feel like the S.S. Anne," Ash supplied. "It felt like we had a moment then."

"Back to the point," Brock said quietly as the butler led them inside the house. "I always figured you didn't join Team Rocket unless you were desperate and broke—so if this James and our James are the same person—"

"How did he end up in Team Rocket," Misty finished.

"Exactly."

"Uh," Ash noised, redirecting their attentions forward to the caskets laying in a big bed of flowers.

The butler bowed. "My master and mistress's last wish was for their son to visit them. Such a shame that cannot come to pass. And even worse, the family fortune cannot pass to young master James unless he is married in the next twenty-four hours! If not, the money just goes poof."

"Poof?" Misty echoed, eyebrow raised.

"Poof," the butler confirmed, pausing to blow his nose.

"I didn't think money did that," Ash said to Brock.

"Think it's something along the lines of an inheritance tax," Brock mused. "Big governments love to make your money theirs—be glad that so long as you're registered as a traveling trainer you're tax exempt."

Ash herewith resolved to never stop travelling, ever.

"Oh please, you must help me find young master James!" the butler begged. "I can't stand to see the beautiful mansion go to ruin, all those millions laid to waste—"

Team Rocket suddenly fell through the skylight.

"Wow," Misty noised. "Ask and you shall receive."

"More likely they heard the bit about millions," Brock observed, watching Jessie and Meowth wrestle James to the ground.

"We got him!" Jessie announced. "This is definitely a James, he'll do!"

"Hey!" James protested.

"Master James, is that really you?" the butler asked.

"Er, no?"

"He could be," Meowth offered.

"Uh—no I can't be! I took that James' identity when he died disgraced and penniless on the streets in the snow! Poor Growlie howling, so heartbroken…." Sniff, really working up the tears—the butler handed him a handkerchief. "Thank you, Hopkins. I mean—oh 'karp."

"Yeah, we thought so," Jessie said, hauling him up. "So! Quick nuptials, quicker absconding with large fortunes."

"Do you mind?"

"Nope!" Meowth said, ticking off on his fingers. "Quick marriage, quicker amicable divorce, we skedaddle wid da money and retire in Alola."

"Uh," Ash noised.

"And look at dat, we even got witnesses—fer da record, I'm gonna be best 'mon, just so youse know."

"Really?" Misty demanded. "You're going to just grab the money and run?"

"It's a great plan," Jessie argued. "Quick, clean, and with only two moving parts."

Anyone else's comments were cut off by laughter coming from the coffins.

"Okay that's it I'm done," Misty said, turning to leave. "I didn't sign up for zombies—yeek!"

Which was the usual response to the lights being doused, plunging them into darkness—

Two spotlights lit down on the coffins—

Which burst open in a shower of petals, revealing a couple of very alive parents.

"Prepare for trouble!" the wife declared.

"And make it double!" the husband rejoined.

Everyone—even Team Rocket, who ostensibly were used to making that sort of entrance—had to take a nonplussed moment.

"Wow," Ash said finally. "I can see the family resemblance."

"Oh James!" the woman said, rushing over to hug him. "So glad you came home!"

"So glad one of us is," James muttered.

"Such a shame you drove us to such extremes," the man said. "But the important thing is, you're here now—"

"Hey wait a minute!" Meowth protested when they quickly tied James up—

"But now we can get your life back on track."

"What was wrong with my life before?" James squawked.

"Hanging around with riffraff, for starters."

"Excuse you," Jessie sniffed.

"You're excused," the woman said, as she and her husband duck-marched James up the stairs. "Come on, James—we must make you presentable for dear Jessebelle."

"Augh NO not her!" James squawked, digging his heels in.

"Now really James—"

"Uh, excuse me!" Brock said, marching up. "Hi, kind of acquaintances—what's going on here?"

"Really nothing that concerns you."

"They're trying to marry me off to a madwoman!" James exclaimed.

"Now Jamesy I am affronted!"

Everyone looked to the top of the stairs—had to take a moment at the fact that the person standing there looked like Jessie but…fussier, Ash was going to say.

"Save me," James muttered—couldn't get anything else out before he was hauled off by said weirder-Jessie, his parents following.

"Come on," Misty sighed, trailing after. "We'd better make sure he's all right."

"Are rich people always like this?" Jessie asked Meowth.

"Why are you askin' me?" Meowth demanded. "I didn't even know James was rich until two minutes ago!"

"I think rich people get a pass on weird behavior because it's 'eccentric,'" Ash reasoned, following them into a room—

Which was very much a torture chamber.

"This isn't eccentric," Ash said flatly.

"Right," Misty said. "Look!" she barked over the weird people's yammering, pointing when she had their attention. "A twenty-dollar bill, right there on the floor!"

Brock grabbed James as the weird people looked, hauled back—

Was running off with James slung over his shoulder, the rest of them tearing after him by the time the others reacted.

"So that went well!" Ash said.

"No!" Meowth yelled, waving his paws. "Never say dat before we're out da door!"

Why you never said that before you were out the door was answered by steel plates sliding down on all the windows and doors in the foyer.

"Nice try," crazy-version of Jessie said, several Nidorina out and a riding crop in her hand. "But you're not getting away that easily."

"Pika!" Pikachu suddenly yelled. "Pika PIKA!"

Which was the last thing they heard before blackness engulfed them.

Tumbling back out into daylight in some abandoned room, it suddenly became clear to Ash just why Darkrai had refused to take them from the S.S. Anne to the mainland through shadow travel. That was just—freaky and wrong, and he was pretty sure Giratina had cruised by and that a passing Gengar had gone yo. Shadows were still dancing in his eyes after several minutes of furious blinking, and he was still hearing screaming—oh wait, that was James.

"Are you done yet?" Darkrai demanded of him. "You scream like a little girl, by the way."

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" James screamed. "AAAAAAHAAHUAAAHAAAAH….Okay, I'm done," he said, patting himself down. "Oh, we're in Growlie's place."

"We couldn't have gone to the front step because?" Misty asked.

"Well," Darkrai said, employing that bless your little pea brain tone he used on Ash multiple times. "Shadow travel kind of requires shadows to work—it's broad daylight outside, the front steps don't have shadows."

"Good to know," Brock said, waving them along. "Moving on."

"Moving on. What was wid dat!?" Meowth exclaimed, rounding on James. "We wouldn't have dragged youse here if you had said your family was Zubat-guano crazy!"

"Are you kidding me?" James railed. "You two stopped listening to me the second you heard money!"

"Dis is true," Meowth admitted, paw to his face.

"So you open with my parents want me to marry a psychopath," Jessie said flatly, arms crossed.

"And have a torture chamber," Misty pointed out.

"Actually, Jessebelle put that in," James said. "That was just a training room when I was still there."

"How is the news that your parents let someone install that better?"

"Ngyah! The point is, I've got to get away from that madwoman!" James exclaimed. "She's like a Growlithe on the scent! She won't leave me alone!"

As if in response to his mention of the word, his Growlithe popped out of its Pokéball, materializing next to him in a battle-ready position before sniffing at the air, barking happily before sniffing at James and letting out a whine, butting its head against him.

"Oh, I know, Growlie," James said, hugging the Growlithe close to him. "That horrid woman scares me too."

"I still dink dat she reminds me of Jessie," Meowth said.

"Only she's ugly and completely horrible," Jessie said, glaring at Meowth with her hands on her hips.

"Excuse me," Darkrai announced. "Seeing as how it was me that did the bacon-saving, what's going on here?"

"Well, we all thought that James' parents were dead, only they're not, they wanted him back home so he could marry this girl that looks like Jessie, but she's like crazy-psycho-nutjob, so that's why we needed the bacon-saving," Ash said in one breath.

Darkrai glowered at each of them in turn, like he couldn't quite believe the depths of their stupidity.

"That's pretty much it," James said. "Except for the bit where these two were just after the money."

"Would you really expect any different from us?" Meowth asked.

"Touché."

"I don't get it though," Ash said. "Why would they want you to marry that girl? She's horrible! And aren't you kind of young anyway? I mean, don't Pokémon trainers go for at least ten years or so?"

"It depends on the trainer and the job they're pursuing," Brock said. "Successful battlers can go for decades or more, but most tend to fizzle out in the first year. It takes some dedication."

"Oh wow," Ash noised.

"Yeah," James sighed, petting Growlithe. "Except I didn't even get that chance—technically Growlie is a family pet, but I couldn't bear to leave him behind."

Ash looked at Brock, confused. Brock meanwhile, seemed to be understanding.

"They bought off your draft," Brock said.

James nodded unhappily.

"What does that even mean?" Misty asked.

"Listen—that whole regional war was getting really bad," Brock said, turning to them. "When you start drafting teenagers and preteens, you know it's getting slim—that's why they start off trainers at ten. Everyone was being drafted, I almost was. Dad draft-dodging was honestly the best thing that could have happened, because it meant I was the only one to take care of my household. Some of the richer families though, they bought off their draft—but in order to do so, they forfeited the right to ever own a Pokémon."

"That's terrible!" Ash exclaimed.

"No, war is terrible," Darkrai said. "It has a habit of bringing out the worst in humans."

"Unfortunately," Brock conceded.

James jumped up, fists clenched. "They made that decision without even consulting me! I was seven, I still had a few years—and then the war was over right after that, so it was all for nothing! Only it wasn't, because without a Pokémon I couldn't declare my independence—but I'd rather be poor and free than rich and chained! I'd rather be dead!"

"That can be arranged," Darkrai said, perking up.

"You stop that," Misty ordered.

"No wait," Ash said, hand out. "That's actually a really great idea."

"Why do you sound surprised?" Darkrai asked, irritated.

"What is?" Jessie asked.

"What do you say to faking your own death?" Ash asked James.

"I love this plan already," James said, pumping his fists.

"It'll involve Darkrai."

"I love this plan less."

"But the alternative is that crazy lady."

"I'm one-hundred-percent back on board."

"And the plan involves me why?" Darkrai asked.

"Because we're going to need a very dangerous and mysterious Pokémon that can hide a corpse with no problem," Ash said, smiling at him before turning to the rest of the group. "So here's the plan…."

Team Rocket was unsurprisingly good at makeup.

"So part of me really wants to know how you guys know how to do this," Misty said, watching as Meowth dusted on some convincing looking bruises.

"I lived in Hollywood," Meowth said.

"I was into vaudeville before joining Team Rocket," James offered, painting a few gashes on Brock.

"I just like makeup and costumes," Jessie said. "Now hold still."

"This actually looks really convincing," Ash said, watching her stitch some ripped-up fabric to his vest. "I'm both really impressed and wildly concerned."

"Pika pi," Pikachu agreed, looking like he had gone ten rounds with a Machamp.

"Hey-hey-hey! No grooming!" Meowth ordered, pointing.

"Okay," James said, clapping his hands twice as they finished up—turned to Darkrai. "Let me explain your motivation."

"I'm a savage wild man-eating Pokémon and you're my hapless victim," Darkrai said flatly.

"Good, very good—can you do rabid? Really sell it."

"Growl."

"Oh I think my Buneary slippers just ran fer cover," Meowth said, as Jessie pulled out the stage blood. "Give us convincing!"

Darkrai's responding roar was enough to knock Meowth clean off the table and into the bowl of fake blood.

"Yeah! That's what I'm talkin' about!" Meowth cheered.

"I was using that," Jessie said flatly.

"At least I'll look convincingly mauled."

"Oh boy," Misty muttered.

The plan was in motion, the stage was set—now to lure in the targets.

Misty had drawn the short straw, ran around the side of the house, waved and yelled to get the attention of the crazy people searching for them, keeping her more 'bloodied' arm hanging down and loose.

"Help!" she yelled, pointing. "This way! James is in trouble!"

She almost felt bad at the parents' faces, reminded herself that these were also people who were about to happily sell their son into slavery disguised as marriage, ran ahead, making sure she kept the waterworks going and her one arm limp as she led them back to the whole event—

Which, if she didn't know it was a whole sham, would have made her run in terror, honestly.

Brock, Jessie, and Meowth were already 'dead' on the ground, Ekans and Drowzee and Oddish and Growlithe in similar straits. Ash was struggling upright, ordering Pikachu to use an attack as he tried to get up—

James stood there in front of Ash, arm out dramatically, brave despite his 'wounds.' "Go! I'll hold it off!"

"Can't," Ash gasped. "Can't get up…."

Oh right she was supposed to be succumbing to her wounds too—crumple to the ground, not that anyone noticed; they were too busy focusing on Darkrai. Who, by the way, was looking impressively terrifying, fur billowing and deep angry roar ripping through the air.

"What is that?" Jessebelle demanded.

"Jessebelle, no!" James gasped. "Mom, Dad—run! You have to run!"

"What is the meaning of this?" James' father demanded—looked back at Misty only to find her slumped on the ground, doing her best impression of a dead sack of potatoes. "What—"

"Run! I'll distract it!" James said, arms flung out dramatically. "I love you dearly!"

And with that he ran screaming at Darkrai, who did back up a bit at James' charge—

And then tackled him, claws finding and bursting packets of red corn syrup and sending them spurting—

James went limp.

Okay, yes, totally, she definitely felt bad about the parents, less so about Jessebelle—Darkrai started sinking into the ground, taking James with him—

Those three bolted for the house, screaming.

She waited until the screams faded, counted to thirty and past for good measure….

Meowth finally risked glancing up—

Popped upright, clapping his paws.

"Oright! Bravo, ladies and gents, dat was very convincing!" he declared, prompting Oddish to jump up cheering. "Yeah, youse did a very good corpse, dat'll definitely look good on an acting resume."

"Are they gone?" James asked, peeking out from behind a tree.

"They're gone," Ash said, rolling upright. "So that was fun—can we do it again?"

"I feel like I could have made my death scene more dramatic," Jessie agreed.

"Pretty sure they'd be suspicious at us all dying twice, guys," Misty pointed out.

"But the important thing is, they believe I died once," James said, shaking their hands. "Thank you everyone!" Look at Darkrai. "You know, for a minute I thought you actually were going to eat me."

"I don't eat junk food," Darkrai said flatly.

"And thus passes the closest I ever got to high money," Jessie sighed, looking back at the mansion. "I should have grabbed the silver."

"I do feel bad about your parents," Brock told James.

"I do too," James admitted. "Maybe after a bit of time has passed and Jessebelle moves on to a new mark I'll call them and let them know I'm not dead."

"Or that you're calling them from beyond the grave," Darkrai offered.

"Dat was a Distortion Zone episode, right?" Meowth asked.

"Well I don't know about the rest of you guys, but I'm going to go wash all this off," Misty said, heading down the road.

"Seconded," Jessie agreed, following after. The others followed, all of them chatting amicably until reaching the nearest Pokémon Center, where they caused quite a stir.

"Oh my goodness!" the nurse gasped. "Are you all right? What happened!?"

"Improv time got a little out of control," James offered.

"It's okay though, see?" Ash asked, licking some of the blood. "It's just corn syrup."

They had to check themselves in, seeing as how the nurse fainted after that.