Author's Note: Welcome every single one of my amazing readers to the final chapter of this story! I am so proud to have finished this and maybe just a little sad that it's over...
WHICH IS WHY I'VE DECIDED TO CONTINUE IT IN A SECOND STORY!
Yep, in about a month I will be posting a brand new story, which will be the sequel to "Finding Myself"! I hope to see you all there! Now then, onto the final chapter. Please leave a review and let me know what you think!
Chapter Fifty Eight: Found
After talking a little while longer, we decide it's best to go inside and see if lunch will be ready soon. It is nearing noon, after all. I tell the guys to go inside while I check on the horses and give them some grain and hay. They offer to help, but I wave them off. I've lived on a farm my whole life, I can handle a few horses. They know better than to argue with me, so inside they go.
I enter the corral and am happy to see that the horses seem to be getting along just fine. Khan trots over to me the second I open the gate, knowing what time of day it is. I stroke the side of his large head.
"Hungry, buddy?"
He lets out a huff of agreement. I chuckle a little before filling up the troughs with grain and water. Then, I head into the barn to get some hay. Just as I have grabbed a bale from the hayloft and am about to descend the ladder, I hear a voice from below.
"Mulan, are you in here?" I hear Meili ask from below.
I'm so startled by the voice I almost forget to respond.
"Yeah, I'm up here," I reply. "Watch out!"
Careful not to hit Meili, I drop the hay bale from the loft down onto the barn floor. It lands with a thump and I climb down quickly, jumping the last few rungs of the latter and landing on my feet.
"Hiding in the middle of a party?" Meili teases.
"No." I pick up the hay bale. "I'm getting hay for the horses."
Meili seems almost disappointed by my straightforward response. "Well, lunch is ready," she tells me.
"We should go inside," I say, already heading for the barn door.
"Wait. Can we… talk?"
I stop, sigh, drop the bale, and turn to face her. I knew this was coming. Still, I'd really rather not.
Realizing that my stopping is the only response she's going to get, Meili continues.
"Why are you avoiding me?"
"I'm not-"
"Yes you are," she interrupts.
"Okay then." I pick the bale up again.
"Why?"
"Don't do this, Meili," I tell her.
"Do what?"
"Pretend you don't know what's going on." I drop the bale with a frustrated huff. "You're smarter than that. I know."
"What's going on with you?" she asks me gently.
"What are you talking about?"
"You're acting… not like yourself. You're all distant and serious."
"Let's just go inside and we can catch up over lunch," I less suggest and more demand, getting tired of this.
I turn to leave, ignoring the stupid bale of hay, and am only about two feet from the door when she blurts the question I knew she wanted to ask all along.
"Do you still have feelings for me, Fa Mulan?"
She only ever uses my surname when she is being serious, asking or saying something important.
I stop but do not turn to face her. She's seen right through my lies before, will she be able to now? I decide to play it safe.
"It doesn't matter," I state, still not looking at her.
And, I do not need to see her face to know this is not the answer she was looking for.
"Of course it matters!" she tells me, her voice a mix of frustration and desperation.
I whip around suddenly, my own frustration rising to the surface. Can't she see I am just trying to protect the both of us?
"No, it does not," I retort.
"Why?" she snaps, and I see her becoming braver. I walk towards her, and I see her stand taller so that when I am close enough, she stands only an inch or two shorter than me.
"Because those feelings would lead to nothing but pain," I tell her, my voice low.
"Where is the old Mulan?" she asks me suddenly. I am caught off guard by the question, and she continues.
"You broke the law to save your father. You saved the entire country. You are a captain in the Imperial Army, the first and only female soldier in Chinese history, and now, you mean to tell me that all of that is achievable but our feelings for each other are nothing simply because they are not accepted by society?"
I try to remain emotionless through her speech, but feel my resolve faltering. Meili knows all of the chinks in my armor, all of my wounds that never fully healed. By the look on her face, she's not done yet.
"As a kid, you were never accepted by society. I knew it. I saw the way people spread rumors about you, how boys beat you up. But do you know what else I saw? I saw a girl who never gave up. I saw you get back up every time a bully pushed you to the ground. I saw you state a sarcastic comeback when someone insulted you. I saw you ignore every rumor and taunt and bit of gossip. When people told you what to do, you did what you wanted. When people told you you couldn't, you did. That's why I always stood by you! That's why I was always on your side no matter how much easier taking the other side would be. You always stood for what you believed in, yet now, you give up after barely even trying."
The energy seems to drain from her and her face saddens as she prepares to say the next part.
"That day, in the barn, you kissed me. Never had I ever felt as loved as I did in that moment. Then, the second we were caught, you said that it was nothing but an accident. That the whole thing meant nothing to you. For the first time, I saw you give up, and I was so shocked to see that, that I agreed with you."
Suddenly, frustration takes hold of her once more, and she becomes more determined than I've ever seen her.
"The old Mulan, the one I used to know, would never give up so easily now! She would fight for what she believed in. What have you done with her? Where is she?"
I feel my anger bubble over, and I snap.
"She's gone!" I yell at her. Meili is startled by my raised voice. I've never yelled at her before. Still, I don't stop. "She died in the war!"
"I don't think she's gone," Meili states as calmly as she can. "I think she's in there somewhere, but you've chosen to lock her away." She reaches for me, but I jerk away.
"You think this is easy," I tell her. "You have no idea how difficult any of this is. You think that I can just go around saying and doing as I please as if I am indestructible. You have no idea how screwed up I am from this war. You have no idea how it broke me. You have no idea the thin ice I am walking on right now with my parents. Trust me, you are not the only one asking where the old Mulan went because my parents have just about no clue who I am anymore. If I push things too far, they aren't going to want me anymore."
I stop for a moment, taking a deep breath. Unintentionally, my voice has been getting louder. I see the look on Meili's face. She is torn between fighting me and comforting me. I decide to continue before she can do either.
"This isn't some stupid children's story where two people fall in love and live their lives happily together forever after that. This is the real world where women get their husbands chosen for them, and if they're lucky, learn to love each other. I knew that when we were thirteen. I knew we could never be together. I knew that a fight against our fathers was one we could never win. I was trying to protect us."
"I know you were," Meili tells me. "But, Mulan, we're older now. We could figure something out-"
"No, we couldn't," I state coldly.
"Why are you so ready to take a risk on everything except for this?"
"Because I can't stand to lose you again!" I shout back at her. "Do you have any idea what life was like for me when you left? I was lonely and depressed and hated myself so much that I stood on a cliff for nearly half the night once, trying to summon the courage to jump!"
Meili's eyes widen, and I curse myself. She wasn't supposed to know that. No one was ever supposed to know that. I sigh.
"I was nothing without you and Mushu," I state, my voice quieter now. "When I called what happened between us an accident, I was never trying to hurt you. I was trying to protect us. And now, if things go right, there is a chance, Meili, that I can have you back in my life. A chance that I can see you and we can be friends. But I can't love you, Meili. I do, but I can't." I feel unshed tears sting my eyes, so I look away from her.
"I'm broken right now, Meili. You leaving broke me. The war broke me. I'm trying to pick up the pieces. I'm trying to put my life back together. If I were to let myself love you, if we were to hide it from our families, and we were found out, I could not stand to lose you again. I'm trying to protect myself from the inevitable pain that is sure to come from our love."
Tears are rolling down my cheeks now, and my breath is shaky. I love her. I want to be loved by her. That can't happen, though. This is what needs to happen. So, I wait for her to leave, her heart broken by my words.
Instead, I feel a soft hand touch my cheek. Gently, she turns my head and forces me to look at her.
"You don't need to pick up the pieces alone," she tells me.
I reach up, taking her soft hand in my calloused one, and hold it.
"You're right," she admits. "I don't know how hard things are for you right now. I don't know what kind of stress you're under, what emotions you are wrestling. All I know, Mulan, is that I love you. Right now, you might not think that's enough. I don't know how, but I think we can make it be. I'm going to stay, Mulan. I'm going to help you and support you in any way you need. Whether I do that as a friend or as something more is your choice." She lets her hand slip out of mine, leaving it up to me to decide if I am going to hold it again or keep the distance between us.
"I'm scared." Of losing her. Of our families finding out and disowning us. Of not being put together enough to love her the way she deserves to be loved.
"I am too," she whispers. "But, I think in time, we can make each other brave."
I reach for her hand, let my fingers brush against her fingertips before I pull away again. There are so many ways this can go wrong, so many ways it could make life worse. But to let myself love Meili, even if it must be in secret, sounds so wonderful that I almost think I can forget the drawbacks it may bring. She's been there for me my whole life. Under the bridge when I was five. Every day when I was bullied. Comforting me when my arm broke. Every important event in my life up to age thirteen, she was there. Encouraging me. Comforting me. Standing by me. And without me even knowing it, loving me. She kept every promise she ever made to me. If she says that she will stay, she will stay.
So, I reach over, take her hand in mine. I love her. She loves me. Forget logic. Forget the real world. That love, it can be enough. We will make it be enough. I cup her cheek with my hand, and she leans into the touch. And, standing right here in the middle of the barn, my lips find hers. They are just as soft as I remember. For the few moments that that kiss lasts, there is no fear, no pain. There is simply us, Mulan and Meili, and our love for each other. Yes, that love will be enough.
I pull away and look into her dark brown eyes. She smiles at me.
"That one wasn't an accident," she whispers to me.
"The first one never was," I reply, sure of it for the first time.
Suddenly, I realize something. I realize, for the first time in my eighteen years of life, I know who I am.
I am Fa Mulan. A woman. A soldier. A heroine. A leader. Maybe, one day, a legend.
Right now, standing hand in hand with the woman I love, I am sure of one thing.
I, Fa Mulan, through the pain and adversity, have found myself, and I am never losing her again.
The End
Author's Note: This story would never have been possible without every single one of the amazing people who read and reviewed my story. Every single on of you guys have inspired me to complete my first ever fanfiction, and I am so grateful for every single on of my readers! A special shout out to Firework Warrior, who left review after inspiring review on my story, and helped me through a few boughts of nasty writter's block. Thank you to everyone who stuck with me through this long journey and read my story to the end. I hope to see you all again in the (still unnamed) sequel!
Also, if any of you have any ideas for the sequal such as scenes you would like to see or conversations you would like to see the characters have, please leave it in a review! I would be happy to include your ideas into the next part of this story!
Once again, thank you all.
-HopeForMorning