Chapter 58.
Dean felt tense on the drive to Ionia. Sarah was too kind to criticise him in front of the others, but surely too honest not to say something now that she had him alone. He was driving a little faster than he usually did with her in the car. She was often the easiest person to talk to, her deep understanding of him creating a kind of shorthand between them that cut through a lot of the difficulties that appeared in his other relationships.
Now, though, he was aware that she had seen the way he had acted around Cas and the irrational things he had said and done. She had seen him lock Cas in the room with him after he had wanted her and Sam to be around and he wasn't sure she understood. It was a little hard to explain, even to himself.
It had been the look in Jack's eyes ... his fears for Cas and pain that Cas and Dean were in opposition.
To cause Jack pain was always enough to spark guilt in him, but on this occasion, so close to that moment in the corridor when he had realised that Jack was dead and that he had denied him both his own support and the support that mattered most, that of his chosen father, Cas, it was worse.
When he had locked that door between them and the others, his chief motivation was that he must not do further harm to Jack. She seemed to understand it, but if she brought it up, he was not sure he could convincingly defend his actions.
Suddenly, she said, "What's troubling you, Dean?"
He laughed slightly. "How long a list do you want?" He glanced at her and knew he had not fooled her. "It's probably best if you just say what you're gonna say, so I can make some excuses and you can tell me why they on't excuse a thing and then I can tell you that my intentions were good and you'll say that my actions were terrible and we can just agree I'll try to do better."
"Oh." she said.
"Oh?"
"I wondered why you were so quiet. Turns out you've been having quite an argument in your head. You should have brought me in sooner. Someone should be speaking for the defence."
"I know I handled everything badly." he said.
"You didn't follow the initial plan." she said.
"No."
"Because you knew it needed to change. Something I've always admired about you, Dean, your ability to think on your feet. I don't think I've ever met someone who can take in so much information, so fast and adapt to changing circumstances."
"I don't think I understand." said Dean.
"You noticed that Jack was unhappy with the situation. Sending just him away would have made him feel worthless. You chose to take Castiel away someplace private, because you also knew that he needed to talk to you."
"I also didn't want witnesses when I messed up and got angry."
"Did you do that?"
Dean nodded. "Yeah, I think I probably did."
"I think you may be wrong about that. If you slipped, you slipped, but you told him the things he most needed to hear and you listened to him and I think, for someone who was dealing with a lot of internal turmoil at the time, you did very well."
"Oh. Good. I thought you might think I'm made things a lot worse." he said.
"You should know by now, only you judge yourself so harshly. In your mind, you failed him, so he went to Rowena and took risks he would never have taken and then he returned and you think you failed him again."
"And you see it differently?"
"He went secretly to Rowena because he knew you and Sam would never sanction the use of his grace in that way. You love him too much. It was a desperate act and maybe not a wise one, but it was an act of selfless love, which is all he ever does."
"Yeah. He's stupid."
"He's not even here, Dean. Saying it here has no effect, because I know you don't mean it."
"I do mean it." said Dean, concentrating furiously on the road.
He could hear the smile in her voice. "Anything you say. I wouldn't dare argue with that scowl."
He fought against a smile. "Don't try to make me laugh." he said.
"For the rest of my life, I'll always try to make you laugh." she said, "Secretly, I love it when you laugh."
He knew she did. She took so much pleasure in the smallest spark of joy in someone else. "It's hard." he said, not even sure why he said it, why he was making excuses to this woman who had not condemned him at all.
"Yes, it is." she said, "You're scared that if you can't get him to understand how dangerous it all is, he'll sacrifice everything, but of course, you understand that sometimes, total self-sacrifice is the only way to save those you love, so even as you yell at him, you also know exactly where he's coming from."
"And exactly where he's going and I can't lose him again."
"I know how you feel. For years, I've watched our heavenly moth dance around the flame, not giving enough care to the safety of his very flammable wings. Everything in me wants to protect him, but how can I? An angel of the Lord is not mine to command."
"Yeah, it stinks, doesn't it?"
"I have the same trouble with a pair of hunters who mean the world to me. They hold their lives very cheaply and I don't."
"But they keep on coming back and so does he."
"And when he came back from that secret meeting with Rowena, he was truly afraid that he'd gone too far."
"He had. He gave up his grace."
"Not all of it. Not permanently."
"He's as weak as a kitten."
"He thought he'd made you so angry, you'd turn your back on him for good. That's his greatest fear." She chuckled. "Same fear he had the day I met him. He said he'd done something so bad he could never be forgiven. He underestimates your powers of forgiveness. A lot of people do, because they're afraid you'll judge them as cruelly as you judge yourself. They don't know that your boundless compassion excludes only one person."
"I wouldn't say boundless. I'm not even sure I'd call it compassion. I'm bitter and resentful."
"He came home fearing rejection and found only love."
"Angry love." said Dean.
"Often the best kind." she said, "I think he needed the anger too."
"He didn't deserve it." he said.
"No and the fact you know that proves that you did okay."