Chapter 58: Emotions In An Uproar

Meredith closed the chart silently, though there was little chance the noise could wake Allison up. She shifted in her seat, she just finished filling her patient's medical files. She didn't have to do that; she could easily delegate the task to her resident.

"Dr. Grey," the said resident stood in the doorway to Allison's room where Meredith remained since she was rushed to surgery for the second time. She managed to stabilize the pressure in her brain by leaving her skull flap off. Allison still had time to wake up. If she woke up, she could pull through this.

"Dr, Grey, I have the latest test results," the resident's frown indicated the news wasn't good. "Uhm, see for yourself."

Meredith scanned the paper and let out a deep troubled sigh. "Thank you, you can go."

"Do you… need anything, Dr. Grey?" Dr. Meyer's voice was genuinely concerned.

"No, thank you," sighed Meredith. "We'll need to call an immunologist but that's for later. You can go now, Dr. Meyer."

Meredith's face sank into her open palm. Even if Allison did open her eyes on her own, and that was touch and go, she was in for a long and gruesome rehab and… Meredith didn't see a chance she'd be willing to undertake it given her condition.

She heard muffled footsteps halting near her.

"I told you I don't need anything, Dr. Meyer, go and get some rest."

"When did you have rest last time?" instead of her resident's feminine tones, she heard Derek's, gentle and concerned.

She looked up at him quickly, blinking her eyelids. He was crouching near her, already in his street clothes. "Have you been here all day?"

"With pauses for my chief duties…" she rubbed her temples only to still, staring at Allison as though willing to bring her to consciousness.

"You've really gotten attached to her, haven't you?" asked Derek.

"She's all alone, you know, no family, no siblings, no boyfriend," whispered Meredith staring into space. "She's just come to Seattle for a new job and… what a warm welcome… " she laughed grimly.

"She's not going to make it?" he inquired quietly, studying the battered woman on the hospital bed, bruised, stitched and bandaged.

Meredith didn't answer, only went on with the flow of her thoughts. "I'm sure she's a nice girl, decent, who wouldn't hurt a fly… and she's got all beaten up… raped… And I've just learned," she waved the paper with test results glumly, "that the bastard who did that… infected her with HIV…"

Derek caressed her palm in a way he hoped was soothing. He knew that words could hardly bring any solace. Provided that the girl managed to recover from that hell, she faced lifelong treatment.

"That's so grossly unfair, you know?" she said making a little sniff.

"Yeah, I know," he nodded heavily. "No one deserves something like that, and she certainly didn't… but that's… that's how it is, unfortunately…"

"It's so unfair because she's lying here fighting with death, and if she makes it through, her whole life it will be one long fight with death while I'm… sitting here, safe and sound…"

"Meredith?" Air seemed to be sucked out of his lungs and he felt cold sweat on his skin. He understood why Meredith felt for that girl so much; obviously she identified herself with her. "What are you saying?"

"I practically asked for it," Meredith shrugged indifferently. "I was drunk for days on end and I didn't get raped, or at least I don't remember because I was screwing right and left anyway. And I didn't catch as much as STD."

"Thank God." he breathed out, his fingers intertwining with hers as though trying to make sure she wouldn't disappear.

"You think God would allow this?" she snorted. "I have a nice job, a nice life; I'm with the world's most perfect man and… I can't appreciate it; I can't be this… this happy girl… I'm sure she would appreciate it; she would be able to live her life to the fullest."

"Meredith, Meredith," he repeated fervently attempting to catch her attention, even though the lump in his throat made it hard to speak.

Her head whipped in his direction and her eyes went wide as though she just registered his presence. "I'm sorry," she shook her head, rubbing her eyelids. "You're going home?"

"I was going to, yes," confirmed Derek, still shaken up with what he just heard. "I came to check up on you and ask if you're ready to go."

"I think I'll stay here tonight," she avoided his eyes. "She has no one… I want to be here when whatever happens."

"You know, if I were the chief, I would take you off this case," Derek managed to offer her a small smile despite the deathly fear that still held his heart in his clutches.

"Good that you're not," she threw back and got to her feet. "I'll get myself a cup of coffee."

He pulled at her hand before she had a chance to walk past him and pressed her back tightly to him, holding her for dear life.

"I know it's because of us, it's how the change is affecting you," he whispered into her hair. "It was safer before, without anyone knowing, without everyone interfering, just the two of us in the whole world. It's always safer when we're alone. Every time we're at the trailer. Today in the car. Yesterday when we got back home."

She stood in his arms stiffly, listening avidly to every word that dropped from his lips. He was right, he read her well.

"It can be safe now two, we can make everything and everyone else disappear," went on Derek. "But I think it's just not the point."

"What is the point then?" she asked weakly.

"The point is that what we feel for each other, our love, is beyond anyone," he answered peacefully. "No one can influence it, no one can change it because it's… I'm aware that what I'm going to say right know might some cheesy to you, or scary… but our love is everlasting."

He expected an amused giggle, a joke, a witty comment… but it never came. On the contrary, he felt her relax a little in his embrace. However, it only made him strengthen his hold of her.

"And please, never ever say that you deserve something like this," he pleaded, his voice cracking. "No one deserves this. You got lost at some point in your life, that doesn't make you deserve it. Please, just don't ever say that because I can't stand imagining you like this."

"Okay," she said with a small voice.

"And in connection to what you said earlier," Derek tried to make the mood lighter, "I never looked for a perky wife. I would have gone for Izzie Stevens if I had."

She let out the tiniest of chuckles and he let her out of his arms.

"I'm going to be around for an hour or so," said Derek. "I have some paperwork I don't want to put off for later. I'm in my office if you need me."

"Thanks," she nodded, smiled at him shyly from under her eyelashes. "Goodnight, Derek."

"Night, Mer."

He watched her go, the signs of exhaustion clearly edged on her face, her arms around herself, completely different from what everyone was used to see in Meredith Grey. He felt suddenly guilty, like it was him who made her vulnerable, like it was him who brought up the pain and self-doubt. It was his doing, in a way. He only hoped the need to cope with everything she was feeling would make her heal, that she would come forward.

Meredith stretched out her legs and curled up onto herself, her chin falling in her chest, in an unsuccessful attempt to doze off. The sleep wasn't coming, and it wasn't even because of the discomfort brought by continuous sitting in the plastic chair. It was the thoughts swirling in her mind. She wished she could switch her brain off for a minute which… touched upon black humor given the fact that her patient was in the risk of becoming a vegetable.

She twisted her wrist to check the time in the light that was spilling from the corridor. Derek might still be in hospital… She could stretch her stiff limbs taking a walk to tell him... She just realized she didn't tell him she loved him all day. It was enough that one of them had an overactive mind. Derek didn't need to spend a restless night worrying about her and about them. Maybe she'd be able to fall asleep knowing that Derek would.

She got to her feet and silently slipped to the corridor where…

"Ouch! Oh, I'm… I'm sorry!"

Meredith rubbed her elbow and frowned at George O'Malley who just crashed into her.

"George," she studied his face curiously. "I haven't seen you around lately."

"Is… is there a problem?" he asked quickly, shifting from foot to foot. "I left all the files at your desk-"

To tell the truth, he surreptitiously left the files at her desk. He avoided her at all costs, which wasn't easy since he was her deputy. Seeing her with Derek Shepherd the previous evening, the way his arm claimed her as his, knocked the wind out of him. He knew it was not just sex as some of the gossipers claimed. It was obvious once one looked into her eyes. Really looked and saw that light in her eyes every time they rested on the black-haired neurosurgeon.

With resignation mixed with embarrassment, George realized that Derek Shepherd was everything he wasn't. A successful, confident, good-looking guy worshipped by women. Who else would have attracted Dr. Grey's attention if not him?

"Everything's fine, as always," Meredith assured him. "You're just less visible than usually."

"You're sitting beside a patient's bed longer than usually," he shrugged and threw a nervous glance over her shoulder.

Meredith followed his gaze to notice Callie Torres standing at the end of the corridor, observing them inconspicuously.

"Ahhh," smiled Meredith knowingly. What it was, some mating period at Seattle Grace that everyone was coming up with their relationship? "You've been busy with Dr. Torres?"

"Well, I'm… taking another chance," he muttered casting his eyes down. He came alone to yesterday's mixer, but he didn't leave it so. Was he ashamed to replace the feeling for one woman with a relationship with another? He was. Did it stop him from wading further in this murky territory? No, it didn't.

"Another?" Meredith raised her eyebrows. "Have you already spoiled one?"

"I don't know," he said sincerely. "I like to think so."

"You… like… to think you spoiled a chance?" she repeated clearly, feeling as though something as though some element of this conversation slipped her attention.

"Yes… maybe… I don't know. It might be better than knowing that the chance wasn't even there…" he cleared his throat. "I… I've got to go. Goodnight, Dr. Grey."

Meredith watched him join Callie and walk away with her, hand in hand. So simple yet something was missing there… She felt her head going full with taking chances, carpe diem, catch the day and other philosophical crap. She smiled wryly wondering if that very old guy from ancient Greece dressed in white sheets who cooked up that theory had to struggle with severe abandonment and commitment issues. She shrugged and took off.

Derek slowly made his way towards elevators joining a little group of waiting people. He carried only his briefcase and a coat under his arm but somehow his hands and legs felt leaden. He rubbed his neck with a sigh, he was all tense. Apparently, he could add another thing he owed to Meredith's appearance in his life, entering the group of high cardiac risk before even reaching forty. The constant sex and stress connected with their relationship would surely do him in one of these days.

"Bad hair day?" Miranda's snarky voice sounded somewhere on his side.

"Sorry, I didn't see you," he muttered apologetically.

"I figured as much," she rolled her eyes. "You know, that face of yours only confirms the latest rumor."

"What rumor?" he sighed tiredly.

"That your temperamental girlfriend threw a cup of coffee over your overly moussed hair during lunch," explained Bailey stoically.

"What?" his head whirled in her direction. "Where do people get that crap?" No wonder Meredith was all stressed out.

"Why do you get so bothered by what they say?" she answered back.

"I… I have a headache, sorry," he mumbled.

"Right," she acknowledged smugly smirking as she noticed something behind him. "I think your painkiller's coming."

"Hi."

His head whipped in the opposite direction to see Meredith standing close to him with a small smile. In the corner of his eye, he could see everyone glancing at them, but Meredith didn't seem to care for once, so why should he?

"Thanks for… earlier," she said quietly. "I guess I needed that."

"You're welcome," he breathed out with relief, tension slowly leaving his muscles. "Should I wait for you or…?"

"I'm staying, Allison needs me, but you go home," she lowered her voice to whisper, "I love you."

"Love you too," he smiled.

She climbed on her tiptoes as she was wearing her trainers and planted a sweet little kiss on his stubbly cheek. "G'night, Der."

His eyes followed her reverently as she moved back towards patients' rooms. She came forward…

"Shepherd! We don't have all night!"

Bailey was already standing in the elevator along with others and was blocking the door with her foot. He looked at her sheepishly and hurried inside, accompanied by discreet giggles.

Meredith opened her drowsy eyes and looked around the room. It was dawning, the grayish light of morning was coming through the blinds. She was surprisingly well rested, well except for the slight stiffness in her back. Her instincts woke her up, a feeling that something was about to happen.

She frowned a little walking to the bed of her patient. Allison's eyelids fluttered for a good minute and then lifted up.

"Welcome back," said quietly Meredith with a tiny reassuring smile. What would come, would come. Now, she was returning to life and everything it entailed. After all, it was better than a dream vision or a cheap substitute of it.