Chapter 58
"You ready, Bee" Nathan asks as he brings my hand up to his face and brushes a kiss against it.
"Yes," I say. We get out of the car and I smooth down my dress. The cemetery is quiet. It is a colder cloudy morning for summer.
We are visiting Luke's grave today. His funeral was over the weekend. I cried more in that past weekend than I ever have. My parent's took Henry because we didn't want him seeing us upset.
Nathan's hand finds mine. I have flowers in my other hand. We walk towards where his gravesite is. There is a garden of flowers there. When we go up to his tombstone I stop. I bend down placing the flowers on the ground. We stand there silently for awhile.
Tears roll out of my eyes. This is harder than I thought it would be. Nathan puts his hand on my shoulder and squeezes gently. "Can I have a moment?" I ask Nathan.
"Are you sure?" He asks. He has barely left my side all week.
"Yes, I will meet you back at the car," I say. Nathan nods. He presses a kiss to my head.
I bend down and sit as gracefully as possibly. I am almost 35 weeks now. I rest my hands on my bump. "You would probably make fun of how big I am now," I say to him.
"I am the size of a beached whale," I say. "The baby is the size of a honeydew melon, I am 35 weeks today, 5 more to go. I got a 3D ultrasound and saw the baby's face. I brought you a copy," I say and place down the 3D ultrasound picture.
"I am going to be honest, Sawyer. I miss you, I miss you more than anything," I say and my voice breaks. "I want you to know I am sorry," I say.
"I am sorry for everything," I say.
"I hope you can look down on me and be proud of me. I hope that you are with the baby that Nathan and I lost. I am glad that the baby has a friend now," I say as I cry.
"It is hard without you," I say and wipe my eyes.
"I just hope you are proud of me," I say.
The sun comes out. I look up and see the clouds parting and the sun starts to shine. I smile. That is most definitely Sawyer. "I love you," I say as I stand up. I walk back to the car. Nathan is standing there.
"You okay, baby?" He asks. For once, I am. I know Sawyer is with me. The sun stays out. I nod and walk right into Nathan's arms.
"I am so proud of you," he says and I smile.
"He's still with us," I say and Nathan nods holding me to his chest.
"Yes, he is," Nathan says. He kisses my head and we get into the car.
We are going to have a legal team meeting at Teddy's office. Hen is at daycare and Nathan and I just got off work. James Moore is eligible for parole for good behavior. Meaning that his sentence is going to be shortened.
When we got that news we rushed to Noel's side. She is a wreck. She is afraid not only for her life but for her kids and now grandkids. Teddy and his firm partner had us in immediately. We are going back today to discuss further.
We are going to try to plead our case that he does not deserve to get out. If we had it our way he'd spend life in prison. Berk is distraught. Nathan went over to her place last night to try to talk to her and she wouldn't. I feel awful for them.
It is times like these where I remember how lucky I am to have Nathan. Despite everything happening, he has been there for me and an amazing dad to Henry. We are So lucky to have him.
"Are you ready for this?" I ask Nathan as we drive.
"Barely," he says and I grab his hand.
"You don't need this stress," he says and rests his hand on my bump.
"Neither do you, but we are married meaning your stress is mine and vice versa," I say and kiss his hand.
We pull up to Teddy's downtown Seattle office. I sigh and grab my purse. We head upstairs and walk up to the receptionist. "We're here to see Teddy," the blonde looks at me with a slight head tilt.
"Mr. Grey," I say and she nods.
"Right, Teddy, Theodore duh," she says and I laugh.
"Sorry, I am his sister," I smile.
"Oh my goodness, Phoebe?" she asks and I nod.
"This is my husband Nathan," I say and she smiles.
"It is so nice to meet you, Mr. Grey has told me all about you. He told me you were pregnant?" She asks. The desk is up high, so she can't see below my chest.
"If I was a bit taller you could see, but yes very pregnant," I say. She stands up and leans over.
"Oh my gosh, congratulations. A boy or girl?" She is very bubbly.
"We are actually waiting to find out," I say and she smiles.
"That is awesome, I have two little girls. I tried to wait each time and by 25 weeks I had to know. Well… I see you are on Mr. Grey's schedule. He is not back yet from court, but last I heard he was on his way so he should be here any minute. Can I get either of you coffee or water or tea?" she asks.
"I will have a water, babe?" I ask Nate.
"A coffee would be great, cream no sugar please," he says and she smiles walking off. We sit in his lobby. It is very modern and nice. The seats are large and plush.
I grab Nathan's hand and he squeezes mine. I rub his knuckles with my thumb. "You look beautiful baby," he says and I shake my head. I am in a dress with a blazer on top. I tried to wear heels and my swollen feet said not today.
"I look like a whale," I say and Nathan shakes his head.
The receptionist comes back with our drinks and hands them each to us. "Thank you so much," I say and Nathan thanks her too.
"If you need anything just hollar, I am Jen," she says and we thank her.
Soon the elevator doors open and Noel and Teddy walk out. Teddy is in his suit from court and he has his briefcase. Noel is in jeans and a sweater. She looks lovely as always.
"Hi guys," Teddy says. I give him a hug and Nathan gives him one too. Noel holds Nathan tightly.
"How was court?" I ask Ted.
"Draining, I am on a big case right now," he says and I nod.
"Are you going to win?" I ask.
"This one is not winning and losing, it is negotiating," he says and I leave it at that.
We head into the conference room. It is a long white marble table and white plush chairs. There are floor to ceiling glass windows and a view of the space needle. Teddy sits at the head of the table. I sit next to NAthan and Noel is across from us.
Teddy's partner at his firm walks in. He is Teddy's age and good looking. We have met him on multiple occasions. They went to law school together.
"Hey man," he says to Teddy as he walks in.
"Hi Kevin," I say and shake his hand.
"How are you, Pheebs?" He asks.
"As good as I can be," I smile. He greets Nathan then takes a seat next to Noel. He greets her too.
"So he is eligible for parole early for good behavior, he has been in prison for almost 16 months," Wow, it is crazy to think it has been that long.
"His original was two years?" Kevin asks.
"Yes, with a half year probation, we had Judge Dull," He says and Kevin raises his eyebrows. That must mean something. Kevin sighs looking at the paperwork.
"What can we do to fight this?" I ask.
"The problem is going to be that he only had 8 months left, so to prove that he should be that remaining time when he hasn't had any priors or added time to his sentence," he says and Teddy nods. Nathan's fists are clenched.
"Did he ever show abusive behavior towards you?" Kevin asks. I look up and realize he is posing the question at Nathan.
"Excuse me?" Nathan asks.
"We need to prove that he is a danger to have out. We all know that, but the court doesn't. Has he always been abusive or was a snapping point?" Kevin asks.
Nathan and Noel make eye contact. My stomach drops. She nods at Nathan. What?
"Yes, he did lay his hands on me on occasion," Nathan says. I look at him with an open mouth gawk. He shakes his head as if to say not now. I fold my hands in my lap and look down.
"Berkeley?" Ted asks.
"Absolutely not," Nathan says and Ted nods. I can't shake the fact that I never knew about James hurting Nathan. My heart is on the floor. Nathan is an open book. Or so I thought.
"When is the hearing?" Kevin asks.
"Tomorrow," Ted says.
"He's going to get out, isn't he?" Noel says sadly.
"Noel, I am going to do everything in my power to not let that happen," Teddy promises and she nods.
We conference for about an hour more and we have a solid plan. I hug everyone goodbye and we head out to the car. Once we are buckled in we both sit silently.
"When," I ask softly.
"Not now, Phoebe," he says and for once I listen. I nod and look out the window. I can hear the pain in his voice. I wish I could take all this away.
We drive back towards our house. Stella is watching Henry. He missed her so much and was so happy when she came back. I sneak a glance at Nathan. His pained expression hurts me.
We pull into the garage and I take off my belt. I open the door and follow Nathan inside. He goes upstairs immediately. I allow him to take a couple of minutes to reflect. I feel the tears well in my eyes. His dad hit him and I never knew.
I see Henry and Stella playing chutes and ladders. A game my dad taught Henry. He is so smart for his age. I don't think I understood board games at 2.
"Hi," I smile. Henry runs over screaming mommy. I laugh and catch him in my arms.
"Hi buddy," I say and he giggles.
"How was he?" I ask Stella as she gathers her things in her bag.
"So good, as usual. He ate all his lunch. He took a two hour nap, so he should be good to go," she says and I smile.
"Yay," I say and Henry is holding onto my leg.
"Stella, we will see you next week say bye Henry," I say and Henry waves blowing her kisses.
"Did you have so much fun with Stella?" I ask him.
"Yep, we play chute wadder," he explains and I nod.
"That is so much fun," I say.
"Yep, and I tolds her momma has baby broder in her belly," he says and I laugh.
"You did?" I ask.
"Yep hims name broder," Henry says and I smile. Maybe the baby is a boy and Henry has known all along. Someone once told me the siblings always know.
"Where daddy?" Henry asks.
"He is upstairs. Daddy had a belly ache so he is going to take a nappy," I say and Henry nods.
"Poor daddy," Henry says. I know buddy, I know.
"I make him pictur" Henry says and runs off to his playroom. I laugh and head into the kitchen. I place down my belongings.
I need to talk to Nathan. I don't want him to think I am upset for not telling me. I am upset, but because my heart hurts for him that he had to go through that alone. I have so many questions. Was I a part of his life when this happened? Did this happen often?
My heart just aches for him. I peek into the playroom and see Henry furiously coloring. He is so funny these days. Henry Micheal Moore. He kills me.
I go into the kitchen and start dinner. I am making us chicken Parmesan. Nathan's favorite recipe from his nana. Henry comes out with a picture in his hand. It is very colorful. He also managed to get marker all over his hands and some on his face.
"Hi buddy," I say as I place the chicken in the oven.
"Mommy, I give this to daddy now," Henry says and I nod. I have given Nathan as much space as I can muster. I want to give him a hug.
"Okay buddy, but we have to be quiet when we go upstairs," I say and he nods. If Nathan fell asleep I don't want to wake him.
We go upstairs and go into our bedroom. Henry is top toeing with his finger over his mouth in a shh place. Nathan isn't there. I frown and look at Henry.
"Huh, let's look around," I say.
"Daddy play hide seek," he says and I nod. That must be what he is doing.
We check all the bedrooms and the bathrooms. He isn't upstairs. I check the nursery and he isn't in there either. What the heck? Did he sneak past me when I was cooking.
"Maybe daddy in da room wif the balls," Henry says and I look down at him confused before realizing what he means.
He is talking about the yoga balls we have in the gym. Nathan let him play with them while he lifted weights and Henry had a blast. We usually don't let Henry in the gym for safety reasons.
"Let's go check," I say. Our gym is in the basement. It is a large room with floor to ceiling mirrors and all the workout equipment you could need. Given I don't know how to use half of it.
When we walk downstairs I hear A constant banging noise. When we open the door to the gym Nathan is shirtless in black athletic shorts. He is using the punching bag. Every time he hits it his muscles flex. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't turned on something fierce right now. Hormones.
"Daddy," Henry yells. Nathan is sweaty. Nathan continues punching the bag.
Henry runs over and has his picture in his hands. He goes to go in front of Nathan and almost gets knocked out by the punching bag. Luckily, Nathan has quick reflexes and grabs Henry out of the way.
"Henry," Nathan snaps louder than he should have. It makes me jump. It is quiet for a moment before Henry's lip starts to quiver and he runs to me. I bend down pulling him in my arms. He is sobbing.
"Shhh baby," I say and run my hand through his blonde hair. Nathan grabs a towel and starts walking towards us.
"Don't bring him in here again," Nathan says coldly to me. He walks out and I am left with a sobbing two year old. This is not the Nathan I know. I don't know what is happening. He needs space.
"Daddy mad," Henry cries.
We take a gentle approach to parenting. Nathan and I both agreed on that. We don't raise our voice or spank. That was Nathan's hard limit. Not that I ever would either. It makes sense why now. Henry is scared. He has never heard Nathan yell especially at him.
"Daddy, didn't mean to," I say. I know that when Nathan snaps out of this he will feel awful for yelling.
"Daddy yell," Henry says and cries in my chest. I pick him up as best as I can with my bump and rock him side to side. I take him upstairs which leaves me out of breath and take him in the kitchen.
I give Henry a sippy cup full of juice and let him sit. He is still crying and I feel just terrible. His breath hitches up and down as he tries to take deep breaths. Nathan is this kids whole world. I know it killed him to hear him yell.
"Hen, daddy is feeling very angry and sad right now. He didn't mean to yell, he was having a very big feeling," I try to explain to Henry.
"Daddy love me?" Henry asks.
"Of course, daddy loves you," I say. "He loves you more than all the moons and all the stars," I say and Henry nods. I hug him tightly to me.
"I sorry," Henry says.
"You have nothing to be sorry for, Mama loves you so much," I say and Henry kisses my cheek.
I continue cooking as Henry watches Moana on the couch. I feel awful for him. I put dinner out and head upstairs. Henry is so engrossed in what he was doing that he didn't even realize I left. I go into our bedroom and don't find Nathan. The baby kicks and I have to grip the railing. They are so strong.
"Nathan," I call out. There is no response. I sigh and head into his office. I knock before opening the door. He is at his desk reading something.
"I made dinner," I say and place my hand on top of my stomach.
"Okay," He says.
"Why don't you come downstairs and eat with us," I say. He looks up at me and his eyes soften a bit.
"I will eat later," he says and I nod. I take that as my cue to leave. I shut the door and head back downstairs. I know Nathan is hurting. I wish he would let me be there for him.
I go downstairs and eat with Henry. We talk about his cars and what he did with Stella. He also tells me that he wants to call Bubs later. He is such a ham. I smile as he asks where Nathan is. Kids are so forgiving.
"He is working right now," I say and Henry nods.
After dinner, I take Henry up for a bath. Recently, Nathan has been doing bath time because it is hard for me to get up and down. I kneel in front of the bathtub and wash Henry's hair as he plays.
I get him dressed in his PJs and tuck him into bed. I read him Goodnight Moon and kiss his head. "Momma," he says and I look down at him.
"Yes, baby," I say.
"Where's Daddy?" He asks.
"He's working, buddy," I tell him again.
"We call?" Henry asks. Usually when Nathan works late we will facetime him from the hospital.
"Not tonight, buddy," I say and Henry frowns. I kiss his head and turn on his sound machine.
"Love you," I say.
"I love you and Daddy, Bubs and Nana, and Nono and Berk and Cece and Teddy Bear and Liv and Leo, and Ray and Nana and Ava and everyone," Henry says his usual nighttime speech. I smile as I turn off the lights and shut the door.
It is time for what I have been dreading. I head into Nathan's office and shut the door. He is still reading whatever medical journal he was sent. I sit down in one of the plush chairs. He looks up at me and I give him a soft smile.
"Can we talk?" I ask quietly.
"Please," I say before he can say no. He nods and shuts the book. He looks at me and I freeze. I have to talk now.
"I am worried about you," I start. "I know it is hard for you to talk about things especially related to your dad. I know you are stressed about tomorrow and worried about your family, but I want to be here. I want to be able to be someone you can talk to," I say and am looking down at my bump.
"You are," he says.
"You are pushing me away, you have been since you spoke about your dad," I say.
"Phoebe, you have to understand how hard this is for me. I am completely out of control here. It is all up to the jury tomorrow to decide my family, my kids, and my own safety," he says and I nod.
"We can hire more security," I suggest. We haven't had any since Sawyer passed. My dad has been getting on me about hiring a new one.
"I already did. They start tomorrow," he says and I am a little hurt he did not talk to me before he did that.
"Okay, I would have appreciated being a part in that decision," I say.
"This is a serious matter," Nathan says and I frown.
"I know that, I am taking this seriously, what makes you believe that I am not?" I ask. He is being so cold. Nathan just sighs and runs his hand through his hair.
"When did your dad hurt you?" I spit out the question I have been holding back all night.
"We're not going to talk about this," He says and stands up.
"Nathan, I am worried sick okay?" I say my voice breaking. Damnit. Do not cry, Phoebe.
"We are not talking about this, damnit Phoebe" He snaps. He has to testify tomorrow, so I am going to hear it.
"Nathan, you are testifying tomorrow. I just want to know so I am not finding out with an entire courtroom of people what happened. Please Nate I am your wife, you don't have to keep this from me," I say and wipe my tears away. Great, the dam broke.
"Don't cry," Nathan softens. It took me crying for him to realize.
"I'm not," I say and lean forward grabbing a tissue. I wipe my eyes and take a deep breath. Nathan is watching me carefully.
"Yes you are. Shit, come here," Nathan says and I hold back tears.
Nathan comes in front of me and pulls me up so I am standing. He wraps his arms around me tightly. "I am sorry, fuck, I am sorry," he says against my head.
The tears I have been holding back overflow. I am so hormonal and exhausted. I cry into Nathan's chest. "I was an ass, Bee. I am sorry," he says and I shake my head. He had every reason to be an ass.
"Don't apologize, you have so much going on," I say and Nathan shakes his head.
"That gives me no excuse to treat you this way," he says and I look up at him. He cups my face with his hands and wipes my tears away.
"I am sorry that all of this is happening. I wish I could take it away," I say and Nathan shakes his head.
"I know you do. I am sorry for being an asshole, I never meant to push you away," he says.
"How can I support you?" I ask him. He smiles sadly and kisses my forehead. He takes my hand and leads me to our room. I put on my pajamas and he does too. We climb into bed and lay facing each other. Nathan has my hand in his and is focused on running his fingers over mine.
"I was 15," Nathan says. I look at him confused.
"When he first got violent," Nathan says and I look at him.
"It was after one of my basketball games. I missed a free throw. Apparently, one of his friends who was a scouting agent was there and I embarrassed him," Nathan says. When I look at him he looks worlds away. He continues playing with my hand.
"We got home and he was yelling at me. He sent my mom and Berk off to bed. We were in the kitchen and I mouthed off. I was so tired of him yelling at me. He grabbed my arms and slammed me against the metal fridge," he says. Tears stream down my face. He keeps his grip on my hands.
"It started as shoving, when I was a junior is when he started getting worse," Nathan says and my heart constricts. I was in his life then.
"My mom did everything she could to stop him, Berk never believed it happened," he says and I am quietly listening. He needs to get this out.
"Finally, it stopped. I got my scholarship to Princeton and it stopped. He told me he was finally proud of me," Nathan says. I fucking Hate James Moore. I could kill him with my bare hands right now.
"Nathan," I say and cup his cheeks in my hands. He looks at me.
"I am so sorry. I am so sorry you had to go through that. What he did to you was despicable. You do not reflect him at all," I say. I wish I would have known this all happened.
"I do," he says and I shake my head sitting up.
"Nathan, you have everyone around you wrapped around your finger. I have never loved someone as much as I love you. Henry and Claire look at you like you hung the moon. You are so loved, gosh I am so sorry you had to go through that alone," I say and wipe my eyes.
Nathan sits up and kisses me. Really kisses me. "Make me forget," he says against my lips. I climb into his lap as he kisses me. As much as I want to keep talking, I know he needs this.
We get lost in each other.