Chapter 59 Chapter Notes
We go back to Edward's POV, where he arrives at the Forks Hospital. He stands before Bella, armed only with a flimsy story of how his family was banished. And how he didn't fight for the right to stay.
The Chapter title belongs to Cat Stevens
Chapter 59 Hard Headed Woman Thursday, November 2nd
I park in the hospital lot and jog toward the Emergency Room entrance, where Maya is sitting on the bench outside the double entrance doors. She looks up at me, weary and overwhelmed. Her mind is a jumble of worry, but I can't hear anything concrete.
"Bella? Charlie?" I blurt out.
Maya frowns and holds up a hand in a whoa gesture. "Are you all right now? Because, back in La Push, I wasn't so sure."
She sits before me in a pair of borrowed jeans that have been cut off into shorts and an extra-large tee shirt in an indeterminate shade of blue. Her snarled hair hangs down in her face. Leaves and twigs rustle into her lap as she runs her hands up through it.
We both glance down at her bare feet, caked with mud. She looks like she's been living in a cave. Despite this, the imperious nature of the supernatural being shines through. This woman might be dirty and disheveled, but she's not cowed by circumstance.
I take a deep breath, hoping the rainy air will dissipate some of the Wolfsmell, but it does little good. "The reunion with Bella and the bloodall ganged up on me there for a minute. I was fine after I'd gotten away from that scent."
Truth. It's about time I was able to tell it. Suddenly, I am overcome with shame at my condescending attitude regarding Jasper. He's at least honest about his weakness and doesn't try to hide behind a high-minded ideal that makes sense only to him.
She sighs and her lip trembles. "Bella's wound isn't serious but you won't be allowed back until they're finished. It'll need to be cleaned and debrided. I think it'll need thirty or forty stitches. Nothing like the huge, infected mess on her other arm."
I see the image in her thoughts and grimace. "Charlie?"
"Pretty bad shape. After the exam, Dr. Hall said he thought there were internal injuries, so they took him to imaging. That Wolf took a biteout of his shoulder." She looks up at me. "He lost a lot of blood."
"I called Carlisle. He has a friend, Dr. Lund, at the University of Washington Medical Center in Seattle, who owes him a favor. If Charlie needs an orthopedic surgeon, we'll fly the doctor down. Charlie will need to give consent." I hand Maya a piece of paper with the details.
Maya looks utterly defeated. She pushes hair back out of her face again and takes a few shallow breaths. "Fly him down." She looks up at me through a dark fringe of lashes.
"In a helicopter."
She blinks. "A helicopter?"
"Yeah, you know those things with rotors? Big whirring blades?" I make a twirling motion with one index finger.
"I know what a helicopter is. But…why?"
"Let's go talk to Dahlia." Maya shakes her head but stands up and follows me into the hospital.
Dr. Hall, whom I am acquainted with via Carlisle, finds Maya and me in the waiting room. "What the hell happened to Charlie?" he asks.
Maya and I glance at each other. "Wolf attack," I say. "It jumped out of the underbrush and knocked Charlie to the ground. I hit it with my hiking stick and it ran away, limping." I can feel Maya's eyes on me but don't look at her.
He narrows his eyes. "A wolf attack."
"Yes."
"That bite was made by a carnivore, but one much bigger than a regular wolf," Dr. Hall says. His eyes bore into me but I keep my cool.
I turn my head to Maya and say, "It was a big wolf, wasn't it?"
"Big wolf," she says simply.
Dr. Hall frowns at us, but eventually sighs and shakes his head when no further information is forthcoming. He doesn't believe a word of my story. "We sent Charlie to imaging when he first came in. Ruptured spleen. He's in surgery right now. The wound on his shoulder is extensive. He will need the services of Dr. Lund. My secretary has already called and he's preparing to leave ASAP. His ETA, about an hour."
"Is his life in danger?" Maya asks.
Dr Hall regards us thoughtfully, thinking that he's going to impart more information than he would to other family members. Maya is a nurse, after all. And I'm Carlisle Cullen's son. He has immense respect for my father.
"Charlie has lost a significant amount of blood, is suffering from internal injuries and has a chunk bitten out of his deltoid muscle. But he's in good health, so barring any unfortunate occurrences during surgery, he should pull through. But there may be more damage to his organs than we're aware of."
Maya pales. She takes a few shuddering breaths and I lead her to sit down. "How long will the repair take?" I ask.
Dr. Hall says, "Be four to six hours, at the very least. The splenectomy should be completed by the time Dr. Lund arrives." He squeezes Maya's arm gently. "I think he should be okay, Maya. We'll know in a few hours."
We watch the doctor rush down the hall. Maya stands up and says, "I've got to get cleaned up. I'll be back." I hear her planning to ask a coworker whose shift is over to give her a ride home. I look at myself, in an extra-large tee shirt with a faded logo that says Betty's Cupcakes in big purple letters. My jeans are muddy and my hair feels like it is standing on end.
"Maya, wait," I say. She turns and I ask if she's heard from anyone on the reservation.
Her brows draw together. "What—"
"When I was standing at the end of the block, I heard something going on a couple of miles away. Something involving someone named Julius. There was a lot going on. People shouting and crying, and an ambulance arrived."
Maya shakes her head. "I haven't heard anything, and I haven't lived on the res in years. Wait a sec, and I'll call my uncle."
She blinks a few times and says, "I don't have my phone, and I can't even tell you his number. It's on speed dial."
I nod. "Well, I'm sure we'll hear something soon." She turns and then stops.
"The doctor…I think his name was Julius." She shakes her head. "Yeah. I remember, back in high school, he used to wear an orange shirt, and the kids called him 'Orange Julius'. He was a nice guy."
Our eyes meet and she rushes off, wondering where her phone is, wondering what to wear when she gets home, as all of her clothes are a tiny size six, hoping and praying that her man is going to be all right.
I wait for fifteen more minutes and then Dahlia sticks her head in the doorway. "You can go back with Bella now." She smiles as she hurries back to her desk in the lobby.
I estimate it is fifteen steps to Bella's cubicle. In fifteen steps I will see how badly Bella is injured, and will have to tell her about Charlie.
In fifteen steps I will hear my fate.
Courage, Edward. Find it.
Bella sits perfectly still while her wound is irrigated and stitched. The doctor asks her pointed questions that she pretends she doesn't know the answers to. Worry about Charlie's injury and Edward's appearance war in her head. Thinking about both gives her a stomach ache.
As she waits for her discharge paperwork, Edward appears beside her. She hadn't even heard the curtain rustle. "Bella." He holds his arms to embrace her but she doesn't react. Eventually, they drop to his side. "They wouldn't let me come back until they finished. How many stitches? And did Victoria hurt your arm?"
Bella sighs. It's just like Edward to disappear for weeks, then return just in time for an epic battle and the first thing he asks is how many stitches. "Thirty-eight. I counted, just for you. And I don't think she hurt my arm but I'll have a wicked bruise." She pulls the gown sleeve up and shows Edward the red, splotched, slightly swollen area above her left elbow.
She gives him a level stare. "So, are you back? Just a simple yes or no, please."
"Yes, god, yes."
She lets her eyes close in relief and then forces them open. "Charlie?"
Edward hesitates, then says, "Ruptured spleen." Bella's hand flies to her mouth as she gasps. "No, it's not critical," he reassures, "but he's got a serious bite to his shoulder. Carlisle is flying down an orthopedic surgeon from Seattle."
Bella worries her lip and wrings her hands. "This is all my fault."
"This is not your fault, Bella." Edward leans close to her and she gets a good look at his eyes.
Back in front of Jacob's house, his eyes were a warm topaz. Now, there's a thin ring of redaround the iris. It means only one thing. He's tasted human blood, but not a lot of it. She wants to know what happened, but this isn't the place for that conversation.
Edward extends his hand to her and she takes it, still feeling confused and betrayed. This is her first opportunity to have a real conversation with him, but it's difficult to blame him when he stands in front of her with a soulful frown, as if he's sorrowful and repentant, and maybe a little bit unsure.
She makes up her mind to say all the things she promised herself she'd say if she ever saw him again. He needs to know exactly how he wounded her. "I wanted to die after you left me,Edward," she hisses. "If you're not back to stay, just tell me right now, because I can't go through that again. I really will drown myself, if I have to do it in the kitchen sink. I can't face that black hole a second time."
"Drown yourself?" Edward looks shocked. "What—"
Bella holds a hand up. She's desperately in love with Edward but she won't be jerked around. "Are you back? Are you asking me to forgive you? Are you armed with an explanation?" When he doesn't respond right away, she seems to take in his borrowed tee shirt. She blinks a few times, thinking that this is the first time she's seen the dude in something besides designer label stuff.
She gestures to the shirt with pursed lips and finally manages, "Betty's Cupcakes?"
Edward frowns at her and she has to stifle a giggle. She does that sometimes when she's stressed. Once, last year, she burst out laughing in the middle of Algebra II, and then began to cry like a baby. She takes a few deep breaths to calm herself.
Belinda walks in with Bella's discharge paperwork and in fifteen minutes, they're running through the rain to the Volvo. When Edward unlocks and opens Bella's door, she peers inside and looks at him with a gesture. "What is all this?"
"Um, the stuff I took with me, plus some things I that I bought." In reality, the back seat is bulging with boxes, while the photographic equipment is in the trunk. We slide into the car and sit in silence, under the harsh glare of the streetlights in the parking lot. None of Bella's anger has dissipated but the levity seems to have vanished. She looks daggers at Edward. "Let's get this out of the way," she growls. "Charlie is in there and nobody knows yet how badly he's injured, so just cut to the chase, okay?"
Edward starts to speak and Bella, still fuming about the wholemess, says, "And don't think you're going to placate me with a bunch of philosophical nonsense. Just say it plainly. You're either back or you're not. And I'll decide if I can ever trust you again."
It rains. The parking lot glistens a shiny midnight black. Bella slumps back against her car door and I realize that she must be exhausted, maybe hungry, and that the local she got in her arm is wearing off. The digital display on the dashboard blinks 10:40 pm.
"I'm back," I say, getting that out of the way. "I'll tell you the whole story. I'll apologize for not coming clean earlier. I have no excuse, other than not wanting to worry you, but I want to tell you something before we go further."
Bella's face tenses and she regards me warily. "It's nothing to do with us." When she relaxes, I say, "Before Victoria stumbled down Jacob's street, something happened over on a road called Sycamore Row. Do you know it?"
Bella shakes her head slowly. "What did you hear?"
I make a face. "Not much from Jacob's street. It was too far away. But I could hear more when I got to the Volvo. The street was crowded with people and there was a lot of crying and noise. So it was probably Victoria, but I don't know that for sure."
Bella's face tenses. "Have you spoken to Jacob?"
"I'll call him later," I promise. I think about the chaos in the street, crowded with weeping family members, neighbors, law enforcement, the Council and the Pack.
"You didn't hear if it was Victoria, in her head?" Bella asks.
"Not a trace of it. When she made her appearance, her thoughts were already fragmented. If she'd just committed an atrocity, there wasn't a hint of it in her mind."
The Volvo idles quietly in the empty parking lot and Bella shivers, even though the heater is set on high. A tense silence grows between us, but I can't stand it. I turn to her and extend my hand, and to my relief, she takes it. We hold hands and listen to the cold rain as it drums down on the car.
After a few minutes, Bella turns to lean against the door. "What's been going on with you?" she says. I put the Volvo in gear, as my body is beginning to react to her scent in this enclosed space.
"Okay." I hold up one hand as I exit the parking lot. "I didn't want to tell you, because you'll blame yourself, when I'm the one responsible."
"Can you stop treating me like I'm a child?" Bella's eyes flash as she says this and I realize that's what I've been doing since I met her. Trying to mitigate any fears that I think she might have while sidestepping the truth. I have to stop doing that.
"After Jasper attacked you at the birthday party, Alice, Rosalie and Em took him away from the house, away from your scent. He escaped and went onto the reservation and kidnapped a young Quileute. Alice thinks that act was a culmination of his proximity to your scent, twenty-four hours a day."
Bella's hand flies to her mouth. "So that was my fault?"
"No! Jesus! I'm trying to tell you that it was my fault. Since we started going out, your scent has been all over me, the Volvo, and the house. The weird thing is that he's been going to school for decades. We all have. And that scent never bothered him to that extent before. So it's just a theory."
Bella's anger seems to have faded away. "You fought with him, your own brother, over something that was totally out of his control."
"No, Bella, not totally. We all have a choice. He could have decided to take a different vehicle to school, or to be more vocal about the difficulties he was facing. Looking back, I guess his actions should have been a warning, but we all thought he would stand up for himself and tell us if there was a problem."
"What actions?"
I pass Bella's street and go down a few blocks, then turn to take a longer way to her house. "During the summer, he lost it and nearly attacked some people on a trail he and Alice were walking on. She had to wrestle him behind a bush and bite him on the neck to get him to calm down."
Bella blinks a few times. "I'm sorry, but is that an extreme thing to do?"
"Yeah. Very extreme. And what's worse is that she hid it from us. A few weeks later, on the morning of the first day of school, he caught the scent of a guy who'd been mauled by a bear, on the banks of the river, right across from the house. He tore down the mountain and was almost on the guy before Rosalie and Em got to him. The guy died shortly after, but it was a near thing."
Bella's face is drawn in concern. "And then he went to school?"
"I know. He should have stayed home. I have no idea why he goes to school at all, given that he has poor control. Then there was the incident in the cafeteria. A week goes by, and he's set off by a paper cut at your birthday party. Alice was furious with me. She said if I didn't change you, she'd do it for me. Before I could even speak to you about it, Jasper went into La Push and abducted that kid."
"Jacob told me about that. The whole reservation was freaked out."
I think about that for a moment as I pull into her driveway. "Well, we were pretty freaked out as well, because the Quileute told us he had broken the treaty. They captured Laurent last year and questioned him, so they knew all about the Volturi and how devastating it would be to my family if they found out that mortals knew about our existence."
Bella scowls. "You knew this before you broke up with me?"
I sigh. "Yeah. Carlisle and I were summoned to a Council meeting the morning that I left. They said we were banished from the area. And then they dropped the bomb. Apparently, your Grandma Swan was born to a part-Quileute mother. She was a distant relative of Ephraim Black. They warned us that the Quileute and vampires are toxic to each other, and that you would take an allergic reaction to the venom. That's why we weren't allowed to take you with us."
Bella stares at me. "Jacob told me that I was part Quileute, but not about the allergic reaction. Does that mean that I won't be able to join your family?"
I stroke her face. "I don't know, Bella. And what's more, I don't care." I kiss her very gently, and my face comes away wet with her tears. "You're mine. And we'll figure it out."
"You said you didn't want me anymore. You said I was too much work." The words are said in a gasping whisper while she stares straight into my eyes, and I see just how much I hurt her.
"I have no excuse, Bella, other than the panic I was feeling. I thought that if I made you angry enough, you'd move on. But even if I'd told you and we had waited until you graduated and moved away, how could you have stayed with me as a human? You'd have been stuck between both worlds, never fitting into either. And I couldn't face that for you."
Bella's eyes brim with tears. "I would rather have that weird half-life with you than a whole life by myself, Edward, and you should have given me the opportunity to choose."
"They threatened to destroy my family, Bella. To trap us inside the house and set it on fire. What would you do if you were forced to choose between Charlie and me? No matter how hard it would be, you'd choose Charlie. He's your father."
She reaches out her warm hand to me, and I take it. Silent tears stream down her face. "And what's this I hear about you wanting to drown yourself?" I keep my voice soft and neutral, but in truth, I'm feeling anything but soft and neutral.
She looks up at me. "It was the water. It called to me."
"The water." I gesture for her to continue.
"I thought it was calling my name. I tried to avoid it, but there's water everywhere. I'd hear it, not just at the beach, but when it stormed. I'd go to sleep with it raining and wonder if I would just walk out of the house and Charlie would find me, face down, lying in a puddle in the back yard. It was terrible."
I'm stricken anew at the horror that the Quileute inflicted on all of us. I feel myself open wider than I ever thought possible, to Bella, to the opportunities before us. To the future. I thought I'd loved her to the extent that was possible. I hadn't perceived that there were depths, previously unplumbed, that I've now fallen into.
No crawling out. Ever.
"Bella, I can never describe to you the horror that I felt when the Quileute told us we were banished, and that I wasn't allowed to take you with us. They uprooted the entire family and I knew that it was my fault, as I'd bowed to what I liked to call 'my conscience' and kept you human. I asked Jacob to be your friend, hoping that you and he could form a relationship. I couldn't bear the thought of you, grieving and alone."
"Well, I was grieving and alone, Edward. Jacob was my friend, but he could never have been more than that. I could have coped if I had known the truth, but the thought that I was just some experiment, that you'd played around with a human and then had gotten bored with the accidents and catastrophes, was almost more than I could bear. 'I don't want you anymore, Bella. It's too much work.' How would you have reacted if I'd said those words to you?"
The pain I've caused her is evident. How could I have said those words to her? What the hell was the matter with me? I know if the situation were reversed, those words would have devastated me. I cut the engine and carry her into the house. She walks up the stairs to the bathroom, and when she comes down, I lead her into the living room to lie down on the worn sofa.
I sit beside her on the floor and lay my hand on her bandage. Her arm blazes and I fetch her some ibuprofen and a bottle of water from the kitchen. She swallows the pills gratefully. I replace my hand, she sighs in contentment, and is asleep in minutes.
The heat from her arm warms my cold dead hand, and as I sit there on the floor, I think of the mess that I've made. About an hour later, she wakes with her stomach growling, and I pull her up and into my arms.
After a few minutes, venom floods my mouth and I release her.
Kneeling beside the ratty couch, I just gaze at her. "God, I'm really here. And you're really here." I'm so relieved, I could cry. I feel a tightening in my chest, and wonder if I'll bawl like Jasper, there on the banks of the river.
She takes my hand and rubs my smooth palm with her thumb. "I've always been here, Edward. You're the one who left."
I pull her up and into my arms press my lips to hers. "I'm so sorry for what I put us both through," I breathe into her mouth between the kisses I thought never to experience again. "Oh, god, Bella, I missed you so much."
Warm hands caress my face and Bella shakes her head. She gives a contented sigh. "Edward. I looked for you every morning. Every night. Oh god." She falls into my embrace again and I pick her up and cradle her.
And we cry together, my tearless sobs matching her wet ones.
We hold each other, and we cry.