November 29th, 1977: Lily Evans

"He's going to get with Lupe."

"No, he's not."

"He's definitely going to get with Lupe."

"You don't know that," says Lily patiently.

"Just look at them," says Marlene, and she inclines her head toward Remus and Sirius, who are off in a corner of the common room looking like—well, okay, Lily can kind of see Marlene's point. "Bet they even cast a Muffliato so they could talk about their gross desires in here in front of everyone. Do you hear that ringing in your ears? Because I do."

"You have to remember, they've been best mates with each other and James and Peter since first year. You have to expect some degree of—Remus just almost died, and they weren't even on speaking terms at the time. It makes sense that they would reprioritize after that and try to reconnect with each other."

"Reconnect? It looks to me like they're about ready to start connecting in some entirely new ways," Marlene scathes.

Lily pats her on the shoulder a little awkwardly. "You did break up with him, Marlene. It's not completely fair to hold him to not seeing anybody else until you decide you're okay with it."

"I'm not saying he doesn't deserve the privilege of seeing other people. He's perfectly within his rights to see whomever he likes."

"But?"

"But I asked him to wait for me, and he agreed, and then he immediately started making eyes at his new gay lover everywhere I go!" Marlene bursts. "It's like—it's clearly not taking him any time at all to get over me, and I'm sorry, but I'm just not built that way. I gave my whole life to him for almost three years, and I have the right to be a little broken up about him immediately running off to see other people as if none of the years we spent together mattered to him."

Lily argues, "It doesn't mean your relationship doesn't matter to him anymore. Feelings are stupid like that—" Marlene smiles a little at this "—you don't always only have them for one person at a time."

"You're lucky," says Marlene. "James would never have eyes for anybody else as long as he's in love with you."

Lily cringes a little on the inside. "We haven't actually used that word yet," she admits.

Marlene's eyes widen. "He hasn't told you that he loves you?"

Lily shakes her head, feeling embarrassed. "I mean, he's said that he loves me—he's been saying that for way longer than we've been dating—just not that he's in love with me."

"Well, obviously he's just waiting for you to say it first because he doesn't want to scare you off by coming on too strong."

"Probably," Lily acquiesces.

Marlene rolls her eyes. "I wish my relationship problems looked like yours. Honestly. But we can't all have the perfect relationship."

Lily wants to argue that her relationship with James isn't perfect—they've had plenty of problems, up to and including Lily ghosting him for five months because he had the audacity to kiss her last Christmas—but she's pretty sure that Marlene would interpret that as Lily fishing for sympathy from Marlene when Marlene has it way worse. "You're not regretting it, are you?" she says instead to divert attention away from herself. "Breaking up with him?"

"No, I mean, I think I needed to do it. I cared too much. Hell, I still care too much. I think—I think I love him more than I love myself, and I need to work on getting over that and then making sure that I never do the same thing again with anybody else."

"So focus on that," Lily advises her. "Don't pay attention to what he's doing. Focus on what you need to do to take care of yourself."

"Yeah, and it would be a lot easier to do that if I weren't constantly getting distracted by him and Lupe making eyes at each other," Marlene grumbles. "Just you wait. Give it another week, and Sirius will be saying it's my fault he's gay now."

"Is he gay now?" says Lily. "Like, do you know for sure?"

"No," admits Marlene, "but just you wait. Just you wait and see."

xx

Lily knows how this is going to sound, and she doesn't mean it that way, she swears—but the timing with which James's parents fell mortally ill coincided horribly with the official start of his relationship with Lily. It feels like Lily barely had days to enjoy being with James fully for the first time before he got the news and everything changed overnight. She thinks things are good between them—she hopes things are good between them—but it's so hard to tell when James is always either putting on a show or hopelessly desolate, and nothing she tries to do seems to lift his spirits.

And that's understandable—Lily's not saying it's not. She knows it's not about her, and she wouldn't dream of trying to make James forget about his parents and move on without caring what happens to them. But it's hard to feel good about how things are going between them if James is never happy anytime they're alone together.

And moreover—they're basically never alone together. Wherever Lily and James go, Marlene generally follows, and with Marlene generally comes Mary, too. It's not that Lily doesn't want to spend time with either of them. Marlene is her best mate, and she's particularly vulnerable right now while she's dealing with her breakup with Sirius. Even Mary—Lily doesn't know her as well, and she always makes Lily feel a little guilty whenever she's close to Marlene, but Mary treated her like she belonged when Lily was first on the outs with Severus, and Lily hasn't forgotten that. Add that to everybody spending more time mixing with the rest of the Gryffindors after Remus's poisoning, and there's just not really any room for Lily and James to have quality time.

So Lily is immensely excited about the Hogsmeade weekend coming up. Sure, they'll probably meet up with the other boys in Zonko's, and Lily promised Marlene and Mary lunch in The Three Broomsticks, but for the most part, she's going to get a whole uninterrupted date day with James. She can't wait, and she hopes that the occasion will lift his spirits, too, so he can loosen up and have a little fun for once.

It's not that she thinks he shouldn't be worried about his parents. It's not! But Lily misses him, and she doesn't think he deserves for his entire life to be consumed with anxiety and regret.

When Saturday finally rolls around, she gets up early and spends an entirely unreasonable length of time letting Mary do her hair and makeup. Normally she doesn't bother with either, but it's her first official date with James, and she wants to feel her best. She puts on a clean pair of robes, grabs her winter cloak, and heads down to the Great Hall with Marlene, where they grab seats by Peter and Remus.

"You look nice," says James, kissing Lily on the top of her head when he joins them ten minutes later. "Hey," he says to the others.

"Sirius running late?" asks Peter.

"Nah, he's right behind me," says James. "I gotta go—I promised him I'd sit with him—but I'll meet you after breakfast, Lily?"

No one points out the obvious—that he can't sit here with Sirius because Marlene is already sitting here—but Lily smiles at him and tries not to wolf her food down too fast in a rush to get out of there.

James taps her on the shoulder when he's ready, and they head out and get into Filch's line to leave the castle. The walk down the hill and into the village is brisk; the December air is crisp and fresh and leaves Lily's cheeks feeling scrubbed raw. But conversation comes easy, and she's happy.

As a joke, they go into Madam Puddifoot's and try to see whose mug of tea gets the most confetti dumped into it (James's). The tea is actually quite good, even if the atmosphere isn't, and Lily enjoys drinking as she periodically fishes confetti out with her spoon. James is animated in an authentic way that she hasn't seen from him in what feels like months. They make fun of Binns's lectures and enthuse about Bungs's Defense lessons, and James is just telling Lily all about how the Gryffindor Quidditch team is doing as they drop a few Sickles on the table and head back outside.

He's just gotten done filling her in about the team's new Beater, Sirius's replacement, when something shutters behind his eyes and she can see the fear and despair creeping up on him again. "Hey," Lily says. She stops walking, spins to face James, and grabs his hands in hers. "You okay?"

"Yeah. It's just—they would have loved to hear about this."

"Your parents." James doesn't answer. "They're not gone, James. Even if you shouldn't see them, you can still write them."

"Yes, but for how long?" James pushes. "I've been trying to distance myself, like maybe I can practice for it, you know—practice not being able to ever talk to them again. Knowing that they're here, but not for how long—sometimes I wonder if this part is worse than it's going to be when they pass, because I can't imagine feeling worse than this, but what if I do feel worse when they're gone? What then? I can barely stand this part. I…"

"Come on," says Lily gently, and she leads him off the street and onto the snow-capped grass. They wander a ways out, until they can't hear voices coming from the village anymore, and Lily sits down in the frost and waits for James to join her on the ground.

She puts one of her hands on one of his. "Is that a little better?" she asks.

"Yeah, a little," James admits.

"I know you want to save them," she goes on, and James—flinches, almost. "I know how hard it is. Losing your parents is—well, you know. You were there."

"I keep forgetting you've been through the same thing, almost," he says. "I know I should just talk to you about them, but it's hard to remember when I feel totally isolated."

"Well, I keep forgetting to thank you," says Lily.

"Thank me? For what?"

"For being there for me when my parents died. I know it was only for a few days before your mum thought you were taking advantage of me and had Marlene come and get me, but—those few days were the worst, and it was you who saved me."

James smiles, though it doesn't go up to his eyes. "Keep saying things like that, and I'm going to get an inflated ego."

"Don't worry, I won't make a habit of it," Lily teases.

They sit there for a few more minutes before it hits Lily like a brick that this is the most alone she's been with James—in an exceptionally long time. Since before they started dating, at least. She feels hot and flustered, all of a sudden, and she pulls her hand back and looks away from him.

"My turn to ask," says James quietly, "are you okay?"

"Yes, I'm fine, I'm just a little… overwhelmed, I guess."

"How come?"

She gestures around. "It's just us out here. That doesn't make you nervous?"

"I wasn't until you mentioned it," James says with a shaky laugh.

Very carefully, Lily spins around and drops herself into James's lap, winding her arms around his neck. "Hi," she mumbles.

"Hi," he says back.

They haven't really been physically intimate much at all the whole time they've been together. They never talked about what happened when they made out briefly at her and Sirius's flat, and nothing like it has ever happened again—until, maybe, now. "I'm not going to have sex with you," she says now. "And not because of bullshit wizard supremacist reasons—I'm just not comfortable with that anytime soon."

"Sure. Great. I'm good with that," says James.

It looks like he means it, and she gives him a long look before dropping her eyes to his lips.

They don't walk back to the village for a long, long time.