Chapter 61.
Dean's drive home was a lonely one. He had left Sarah and Jules in the kitchen of the farmhouse, to comfort each other as best they could and he knew that the only reason Jules had not insisted on coming back to the bunker with him was that he had promised to take care of Cas.
Alone in the car, that seemed like a tall order. He had been supposedly taking care of Cas when he had gone off to find Rowena. Sarah and Jules seemed not to blame him, but it could hardly be more clearly his fault.
Ahead of him lay the bunker, where a very damaged Cas was missing a broken-hearted Jules and where a child just back from the dead and Sam, who must be near the point of a complete breakdown were trying to look after each other and the angel and him. Everyone needed him to be a lot stronger and wiser than he felt.
It was exhausting, to be forever the one everyone needed and to know that he was nothing like the Dean they all expected him to be. Even Sam could not see how often he failed, how far he fell short. He wanted to say the right thing to everyone, to give them all hope, but he had little hope himself and with the realisation that Cas was acting like a man about to die, even the little hope he had was dwindling to nothing.
He got to the bunker and put the Impala away. Moments later, Sam came to meet him and said. "Supper should be ready about now."
"Supper?" said Dean. He had expected to grab something from the refrigerator before bed.
"Jack thought a family meal would be good. Nothing special, just a stew."
"Sounds good to me." said Dean.
"You look tired." said Sam.
"I am." said Dean. Trying to convince his brother he was fine seemed like far too much effort, "Just give me a couple of minutes to clean up."
"See you in the kitchen." said Sam.
When he got to the kitchen, Sam was serving up the food. The kitchen was warm and the stew was giving off a wonderful aroma. Large glasses of red wine glowed under the lights. It was a soothing scene. He felt he was home.
He sat beside Jack, with Sam and Cas opposite them. The food was good, not fancy, but wholesome and hot and tasty. He looked around the table and said, "Is everyone okay?"
"Heading that way." said Sam, "How about you?"
Dean nodded. He turned to Cas. "How's the head?"
"Not wonderful." said Cas, "But eating this is already helping and I'll sleep tonight. How was Jules?"
"Troubled, by what you did." said Dean.
"Did she accept the crystal?"
"Yes, she did."
Cas looked relieved. "Thanks. Thanks for giving it to her."
"That's okay. Maybe you should call her. I think you two should talk."
"No." said Cas.
"Okay," said Dean, "But she cares about you. A lot."
"We can talk about it tomorrow." said Sam, "Cas really isn't ready for it now."
Dean was grateful that Sam was still offering guidance. He had never felt more in need of it. "Thanks, Sam." he said.
Sam looked at him, as if suspecting sarcasm, but their eyes met and Sam obviously realised that he had been wrong.
Cas's phone announced the arrival of a text. He took it out and looked at it.
"Jules?" said Dean.
"Yes, 2 Kings 2:2."
"I don't know what that is."
"'And Elijah said unto Elisha, tarry here, I pray thee; for the Lord hath sent me to Bethel. And Elisha said unto him, as the Lord liveth, and as thy soul liveth, I will not leave thee. So they went down to Bethel.'"
"What will you say to her?" said Dean.
"Nothing. I have nothing to say."
"Maybe you should turn it off." said Dean. He knew how it felt to receive texts he could not answer from someone he had hurt.
"No." said Cas.
"It might be easier is all I'm thinking."
"No." said Cas again and Dean took the hint and abandoned the subject.
"It's good, all eating together like this." said Sam.
"It is." said Dean, "Good thinking, Jack."
Jack looked pleased. It didn't take a lot to make him smile.
"Next time you're listing all the stuff you got wrong," Dean said to Cas, "Remember that it all disappears, weighed against the fact you brought Jack into our lives, the best of us."
"Absolutely right." said Sam. He raised his glass. "To Jack!"
Jack coloured a little at the toast as everyone else joined in. "I know you hate the attention," said Dean, "But this stuff needs to be said. You need to know what you're worth to us. Everyone at this table needs to know how loved they are and how valued."
"Does that include you?" said Sam.
He hadn't intended it to. He looked around the three curious faces and knew he would undermine his point if he brushed off his own needs this time. "Yes, it includes me."
"Then let's drink to Dean," said Cas, "Our brother, our leader, our friend."
Sam and Jack joined in with that one and then Jack refilled the glasses and said, "And Sam, who puts everyone else first every time and who has never let us down."
"Not strictly true." said Sam.
"Shut up, Sam, or I'll knock you down." said Dean, before raising his glass and joining the cry of, "Sam!" Then he looked at Cas and said, "And now Castiel, who will never know or understand or believe how much he means to his family, who has never done an evil, cruel or selfish thing and who never sees how good he truly is."
"Castiel!" they said.
Toast over, they sat peacefully together and Dean felt a warm glow that had nothing to do with the wine. Everyone at that table felt loved and respected and valued and this time, it definitely included him.
After a while, he said to Cas, "Will you be okay tonight?"
"Yes. Having Sam there will help." he said, "As you helped me last night."
"Last night, you didn't need to sleep. Dreams may come and they may be bad ones."
"Yes." said Cas.
"And reopening the mind link could mean we could act as gatekeepers."
"I can't do that." said Cas, "And you two have been protecting me all the time."
"With limited success." said Dean.
"You both deserve a rest. I would reopen it if I could. I miss it. I just can't. Not for now."
"Any idea on when?" said Dean and he didn't like the look on Cas's face.
"I think we need to talk about that another time too." said Sam, "Everyone's tired and stressed and could use a night off."
"Sorry," said Dean, "I wasn't trying to pressure you."
"You're being very understanding." said Cas, "I know I'm not easy to understand."
"Worth the effort." said Dean, "I'll try harder." He stood, "You three should turn in. I can wash the dishes."
"I was going to do that." said Jack.
"Kid, you're just back on your feet. Plus, you cooked. I didn't. Let me do my share. Go get some sleep."
They said their goodnights and then Jack, Sam and Cas left and Dean began to fill the sink with hot water. As he was washing the dishes, he heard someone come back in and he turned to see Sam in the doorway. "Go." he said, "Cas needs you."
"Yeah, I know. Just checking, you are going to bed soon yourself, yes?"
"Yes, Mom." He looked at his brother, seeing so many ages of Sam in the way he stood, the worry in his eyes, the nervous movement of those huge hands. This was the baby he had carried out of their burning childhood, the gawky kid he had protected and envied and loved, the teenager whose clashes with their father he had tried to calm, the man who had been his trusted ally in battle, who had dragged him back from death more times than he could count.
"Just ... don't stay up too long." said Sam.
"You know what I said about not leaving things unsaid?" said Dean.
"Yes."
"You're a frickin' awesome brother, Sam. The best."
"Could be the wine talking." said Sam.
"Well, if it is, I agree with it." said Dean.