Tori wasn't sure how she was supposed to feel, knowing that someone wanted her dead. But, she was fairly certain that relief was not considered normal. No, not in the slightest. She was oddly calm when it came to the thought of her own mortality. The little DiNozzo no longer feared losing those she loved and cherished most. They were not the intended target. She was. Her father was safe, her brother was safe, Tim was safe.
Unlike so many women her age, Tori had frequently pondered the idea of her own expiration date. In a perfect world, she would be old and grey, having lived a full life, surrounded by family. Yet, she inevitability knew that was not going to be her reality. Not with her career. Or her family. And now, most certainly not with this case. The ballerina swallowed hard, as she twisted the diamond around her left index finger. No, death didn't scare her. It had never scared her, but the uncertainty of living and all the unknowns that come with actually being alive, now that was cause for anxiety.
Life is pain. Wesley's words from The Princess Bride echoed in her soul. But, it was full of so much joy. Never in her life had she experienced so much of what makes the world so wonderful as she had this past year. The little DiNozzo sighed. She always said she would welcome death, if it meant safety for her favorite people. But even with the threat gone, grief would take its place. Tori's mind raced back to the evening of her father's wedding, in a blood-soaked dress, and the constant worry that plagued her. Even the thought of losing Tim still made her stomach lurch.
The FBI agent suddenly felt very selfish. She was allowed to die, but he wasn't? Did she so ignorantly think that he wouldn't hurt as deeply as she did? That he would somehow grieve a tragic loss in a more refined manner. Hot tears formed in the corners of her eyes. Dammit, was she crying again? The little DiNozzo blinked her eyes, trying not to let them fall. She had to get ahold of herself.
"Tori," Ziva's voice rang out from the adjacent couch, "You've been staring at nothing for far too long. Call him."
The ballerina shook her head, "I can't," she tucked her loose hair behind her ears, "He's asleep and needs his rest."
The ex-Mossad agent nodded, "Perhaps you too should get some rest."
Tori stifled a laugh. It had been two weeks of this constant surveillance. This waiting for the enemy to strike. And the unmistakable feeling pf everyone was tiptoeing around her, as if she were a bomb. She could feel herself losing her grip on sanity. The only nights she felt a touch of normalcy were when Ziva stayed. Although the two women rarely agreed on, well anything, they respected the boundaries that the other upheld. Ziva never pushed her to feel better or to talk about what was bothering her. She understood that Tori was struggling and knew pushing an issue would cause the little DiNozzo to retreat.
"I know you want to do more to help," the raven-haired woman spoke softly, "But, know you are doing exactly what is needed. It's difficult, but necessary Believe me. I've been in your shoes."
"I just hate feeling like a sitting duck," the ballerina ran her hand over her face, "I mean there's got to be something I can…"
Ziva shook her head, "There is nothing more, besides maybe sleep. McGee is worried that you're not taking care of yourself. I would like to assure him, that you are at least making an attempt, but even that seems to be proving difficult."
"I mean, honestly, what's the point of trying when I'm going to die anyway," Tori shrugged coldly, as her brother's girlfriend stared at her with those dark, serious eyes, "I'm sorry…that was…bleak. I didn't mean…" the brunette swallowed hard, "I don't want to die. It just feels inevitable. I can't just keep evading him for weeks waiting for someone gets hurt. And if I can't avoid it, I'd prefer if that someone was me."
"Tori, we are not going to let anything happen to you," the ex-Mossad agent replied, "Not if we can help it!"
"Just promise me, that if something does happen, you'll make sure that Tim isn't alone," the ballerina stood scanning the contents of her fiancé's bookshelves, "It'd be easy for him to haul himself up in here and…"
"Tori…" the dark-haired woman tried to interrupt.
"…Tony," the brunette continued, "I know I've only known him for a year, but he's the best brother I could have ever asked for. And he loves you so much. I know that you know that, but I have to say it because if I don't, I'll worry someone never will…"
"Tori…" Ziva pressed again.
"…I have to tell you because you're one of the few people I know whose view isn't so sunny. We got off to a very rough start, but Ziva, I appreciate you. You…and Gibbs would never lie to me. Or feed me false hope. You'll actually listen because if the roles were reversed, I'd want you to do the same!" Tori tangled her hand in her hair, "I'm worried and scared, but not for me…but, for them! I don't want to…"
"You will not leave us," the former NCIS agent spoke calmly, "You are right, I will not lie to you. This situation is…bleak, but it is far from over. Nothing will happen, not while I'm here. But, know that I hear you and we are worried about you too."
Tori's body relaxed, as she pulled her knees to her chest. She liked nights with Ziva best. Her brother's girlfriend allowed her to toe the line between absolute silence and word vomiting her anxieties, without judgement. Recently though she felt as if she swayed more towards letting worry get the best of her. She hadn't come face to face with Lorenzo since that fateful night.
Although it was years ago, Tori could remember it so vividly. How his body weighed heavily on top of her. The complete lack of control as he took advantage of the entire situation. The feeling of helplessness as she tried to free herself from his grasp. The FBI agent had always imagined that was the end. Lorenzo had gotten what he wanted all along, didn't he? Apparently not. Defiling her wasn't enough. Oh no, he was set on disposing of her. And he was willing to take out anyone in the process. The ballerina shuddered.
"Tell me something good," Tori sighed.
"You are getting married once this case is over," Ziva smirked, "Isn't that the best news you've heard in a while."
"Yes, that is pretty great," the brunette shrugged, "But, you know it's kind of hard to plan a wedding when you're basically on house arrest."
The former NCIS agent chuckled, "Yes, I do believe you have to meet with vendors in order to hire them. But, I wouldn't know. I've never had a wedding."
"Do you want one?" the little DiNozzo wiggled her eye brows, "Like if my brother asked you to marry him. Would you say yes? Would it be a big ceremony? Would you elope?"
The ex-Mossad agent stared at her boyfriend's sister with a very dead pan expression, "Is this what our conversations have been deduced too," another laugh rose in her chest, "Maybe we have been spending too much time together, Tori!"
"It's just a question," the ballerina rolled her eyes, "You know some women really like to talk about this kind of stuff! Even more so, they like to talk about it with the person who might just be their future sister-in-law!"
Ziva scoffed, "Clearly, I am not one of those women. Weddings just seem so frivolous. And marriage is simply a piece of paper. It doesn't truly define the standard of commitment to the other person. It just makes the process of leaving more difficult."
"Bull shit," Tori giggled, "You're telling me that you've never thought about what it would be like to be married or have children?"
"You, especially, should know that you don't have to be married to have children," the Israeli arched a dark eyebrow, hoping to end the conversation entirely, by turning the attention back on her.
The brunette was silent for a moment, "Ok, so no marriage. But, you want children."
"I never said that," her brother's girlfriend pivoted to look out the window.
"Then why'd you turn away?" the FBI agent teased playfully.
It was the former NCIS agent's turn to roll her eyes, "Tell me, Tori, what is the first thing you are going to do when this is all over."
The little DiNozzo thought for a moment. Her subconscious ran through a list of basic plans like trying to transfer her job, renting her apartment, and planning her upcoming nuptials. However, none of that truly seemed to matter. If this case had taught her anything it was the reality that tomorrow is never truly promised. The past few months had been near death experience after near death experience. And the weight of all her responsibilities had began to weigh heavily on her. The ballerina focused on Ziva and the difficultly she had trying to have what seemed to be such an easy and light-hearted conversation. But, the future was never simple with their careers. Finally, Tori's mind settled on Tim.
Her heart filled with warmth as she pictured the most ideal future with him. A big beautiful wedding surrounded by the love of their families. A long, gorgeous honeymoon where the couple would spend all their time hauled up together without a care in the world. The little DiNozzo imagined the excitement of finding out she was pregnant. And trilled look on McGee's face when she'd show him the test. Tim was going to be the most fantastic dad from the very beginning. Never wanting to miss an appointment. Being horribly overprotective because had had read more books than any other expectant father. His hand would always find a place on her growing tummy. And, of course, Tim wouldn't leave her side through the entire delivery. Then they would have their own little person, who would half DiNozzo, half McGee, but completely perfect. And perhaps she and Tim would love that little one so much, they'd decide to have two or three more.
A fantasy really, Tori sighed. It would be difficult enough trying to balance both of their schedules, let alone the needs of child. And wouldn't be fair of both them to work such dangerous jobs, risking that their precious baby could be orphaned. The brunette ran twirled her fingers through her hair, each thought replaying itself again and again.
"I think I might quit my job," FBI agent finally spoke.
"What?!" Ziva's mouth nearly fell open, "Where is this coming from?"
"It doesn't fit with the life I want," the ballerina bobbed her head from side to side, "I mean you couldn't even entertain the thought of being married with kids your so invested in this career. And I'm not like that. Sure, I love my job, but I love Tim and our future more. I can't be a mom and an FBI agent. That…that seems reckless."
"You can do it, you will be fine," the raven-haired woman shook her head, "Tori, you are working yourself up. You sound ridiculous. McGee would not want you to give up your career, just to play house."
"I know," the little DiNozzo folded her arms over her chest, "And I wouldn't ask him to give up his job at NCIS. But, I don't know how it'll work itself out. Especially with children."
"It will work out. Children are resilient, they will be fine" the Israeli replied defiantly.
"How do you know?" Tori sassed back, "It's not like you've ever done this!"
"Tori, I am currently doing this!" Ziva shouted.
"Wait…do you? You…you have a kid," the brunette's eyes almost popped out of their sockets, "Does Tony know?!"
"Yes, of course, Tony knows," the former NCIS agent sighed, "It is his child after all."
"You…and my…my brother have a kid?" the ballerina stammered.
Ex-Mossad agent pulled out her phone. On the screen was a picture of the most adorable little boy, "This is Jackson. He is your nephew. And he is the reason, I did not initally return. I asked your brother not to tell anyone, until we are officially able to bring him here, which we hope to do after this case is finished."
"Well," the little DiNozzo, took her friend's hand, "I hope he gets to come home soon, very soon because I think you and my brother are going to be excellent parents."
"And one day you will be too," Ziva smiled, "We are women. We are made to do difficult things. You frustrate me, more than anyone I've ever met. I respect you, nonetheless. Just like me, you can and will do anything you set your mind to. So, if you want to quit, quit. But, I will be disappointed if you don't try. And I think you will be too."
Tori felt like a weight had been lifted from her shoulders. An instant wave of relief seemed to wash over her. There was so much she could lose, but she blessed to even have it to begin with. She could handle anything difficult because she had challenged it so many times before. And this case was no exception. Yes, Tori liked evenings with Ziva best because she knew exactly how to put life into perspective.