A/N: In case it wasn't obvious, all italic dialogue is to indicate that they are speaking Trig around characters who do not understand :) otherwise, any other conversations with grounders are in Trig, but as it is not important to the plot, I didn't bother mentioning which language was spoken. Enjoy!
Leaves crunched beneath our feet as I crept through the woods, surrounded by guards in a protective barrier that felt entirely unnecessary. After all of my time learning to blend in, I had begun to view them as Arlo once viewed me: loud, clumsy and completely incapable of stealth. I knew that I could have dealt with this situation far more efficiently alone and worried that if we were to come across any ice nation warriors, they would be unable to go unnoticed with their lack of subtlety.
Following the smoke signal, I bargained with any force that I could name to allow my instinct to be correct and prayed that I would find Arlo waiting safely at the end of the path. The dense trees slowly spaced further out as the smoke reached its thickest point and I could feel Bellamy specifically crowding me protectively. As I peered between the trunks, I noticed a glimpse of red hair reflecting the firelight and my face lit up with excitement. I surged forward to investigate and though Bellamy reached out to prevent me from parting from the group, his hand merely grasped the air in my wake. My determined hops through the dirt were practically soundless compared to the stumbling tread of the guards who followed in a fluster and I threw caution to the wind as I entered the clearing to find Arlo sitting on the ground beside a towering bonfire.
"Seda!" I gasped with relief, my heart pounding in my chest with adrenaline and she glanced up at me with a tired expression. She was dirty in a manner that she never allowed herself to become, twigs tangled in her auburn hair and hints of frost still lingering on her clothes. It was immediately obvious that her time away had exceeded all expectations of difficulty and I recognised a substantial amount of bruising scattered across her pale face, even in the low light.
"You finally decided to investigate. I feared you would not come." She stated poignantly and I felt a wave of guilt wash over me for keeping her waiting. I opened my mouth to explain why I had been delayed, when the others burst into the clearing behind me in a fluster and Arlo's gaze roamed over them, landing on the oversized guns they carried with annoyance. "It seems your information has given you status amongst your people. You bring your honour guard even to meet those who mean you no harm." She suggested coolly, viewing me with a suspicion that was remnant of our early days together and I was frustrated at the watchful eyes of those around us.
"Not by choice." I grumbled with evident disdain and she tilted her head at me inquisitively, as if to question how I could allow myself to be forced into anything unwanted. Her confusion was justified, after all she had trained me better than that, but she was unaware of the weak spot that I carried for Bellamy that rendered me unwilling to cause him any degree of physical harm. "Someone would not allow me to come alone. They were too worried about the presence of Azgeda." I explained, unable to contain my impulse to glance over at Bellamy with an unimpressed glare and he observed us closely, confusion dancing in his eyes as he awaited a translation of our conversation that I was not inclined to provide.
"They know that you are a warrior who does not require noisy bodyguards, yes?" She queried, hinting that she had been able to hear our approach from a distance as I suspected and I sighed in disapproval. If we had found an Azgeda camp out here as Bellamy feared, the presence of his guards would have merely increased my risk and I made a mental note to inform him of this at a later date.
"Oh, he knows. He just frets like a mother hen." I drawled, rolling my eyes as I spoke and Arlo turned her attention to Bellamy, who squirmed awkwardly under her scrutiny. I knew that she was attempting to discern the nature of our relationship and from experience, knew that it was pointless even attempting to keep this information from her, as her perceptiveness was sharper than anyone I'd ever known. I awaited her response nervously, but instead of receiving a well measured judgement as expected, she dramatically grimaced and clutched at her waist. Before I'd even considered my actions, I rushed forward to meet her and kneeled in front of her with visible concern.
"What is it? What's wrong?" I breathed with my voice gripped in worry and she attempted to feebly bat me off, allowing me to notice the fresh red blood on her hand. "You're wounded!" I whispered as I met her eyes and she clenched her jaw defensively, as if offended by this accusation.
"It is not important. My duty to my Commander decrees that I must pass my mission to my second if unable to complete it myself and I intend to fulfil that promise." She informed me with ragged breaths and I widened my eyes at her in horror. In a rapid movement, I pushed aside the hand that she used to protect her waist before she could fight me off and found a heavy red straining that seeped through her clothes. The severity of the bleeding indicated a wound that would potentially be fatal without intervention and I could hardly believe that she had attempted to keep this hidden from me. I gasped in horror and the colour drained from my face as I rose to my feet to address the waiting crowd.
"She's hurt. We need to get her back to camp, now!" I declared with an assertiveness that radiated from my core and they began to secure their weapons away to assist her.
"No!" Before anyone could even manage to take a step toward her, she barked in a sharp voice that intimidated them all in place. I turned back to her with a visible confusion and found that she was staring up at me with her face locked in a stern glare. "I will not be carried into your camp like an invalid for your people to experiment on." She spat, her words drenched in disdain and I struggled to decide how to manage her in the face of such a crisis.
"Arlo, if you don't get this treated, it will kill you. I don't even know how you're still going, except probably out of spite." I assessed, teasing her fondly and her expression softened slightly at my words. For a moment, it was as if she'd forgotten my loyalty to her and as she met my eyes, I found a trace of warmth hidden beneath her cold attitude.
"If it is my time, then I will pass no matter how you fight against it. You cannot defy death's will, Indigo." She stated, her voice filled with her usual wisdom and I gritted my teeth with annoyance. Though I understood her mistrust of my people as a whole, I was hurt that she couldn't simply trust me to think of her best interests and refused to allow her superstitious beliefs to prevent me from saving her life. I glanced at Bellamy over my shoulder with a fierce determination and I could tell that he was uncomfortable with the way that I fussed over Arlo.
"I need Abby out here. She's my only option." I pleaded and he nodded reluctantly as he dug out the patrol radio. Arlo glanced between us with suspicion deeply ingrained in her features and I steeled myself for an argument. "If you will not go inside, then I will bring help to you. Do not ask me to sit here and allow you to die when we possess the means to save your life. Do not!" I asserted emotionally and she sighed with exhaustion, her face a mixture of appreciation for my care and apprehension for what was to come. I dropped onto my butt on the ground opposite her, shuffling until I was close enough to place a hand on her knee and she seemed unsure of how to react to the gentle contact. "Arlo. I promise you that no one is going to experiment on you. I'll stay at your side the whole time. If you can't trust them, trust me. Please, just let Abby help you." I pleaded and though she furrowed her brows at me, she did not object, causing me to sigh in relief.
It felt like hours as we waited in the darkness of the woods for help and Arlo refused to allow me to even examine the wound in the meantime. I could tell that she was growing cold from blood loss and the most that I could convince her to do was move closer to the fire to warm herself. Remaining protectively close to her, she repeatedly scolded me for fussing over her unnecessarily and I held my ground, despite the disapproving looks of both her and Bellamy. Eventually, Abby rushed into the clearing, escorted by a small section of the guards that Bellamy had sent back to guide her to us and as she approached, I noticed with surprise that a familiar face was close to her side.
"Linkon kom Trikru. I should have known that I would find you here. You always were a fool for peace." Arlo addressed him with disdain, rather than friendly recognition and I had come to terms with the fact that all grounder greetings were so different from our own. He smiled at her with his usual calm demeanour and indicated for Abby to wait behind him whilst he spoke with Arlo.
"It has been many years, Arlo kom Trishakru. It causes me great sadness to find you in such a condition. Whilst it is true that I support Skaikru in their bid for peace, I am trapped within their walls by a kill order from your Commander, for offering them aid when our forces abandoned the alliance that she fostered." Lincoln explained cautiously and I chewed my lip nervously as they sussed each other out.
"You chose Skaikru over your own people?" She accused, disgust clear in her eyes as she viewed him and he held her gaze without any indication of shame. Though I had grown more confident in the way that I addressed her and the things that I was willing to admit, I was amazed by his resilience under her intense scrutiny and how he held his ground firmly in the face of her criticism.
"The events that passed were not so simple. I stood with Skaikru to defeat the mountain and I still stand with them proudly, because they are good people." He argued and she hummed thoughtfully at his words, finally drawing her attention from him to examine Abby with interest. "Skaikru ended the reapings. They seek a permanent alliance with our people, not a war. I have not only seen the miracles of their medicine, but experienced them myself. They saved my life, and they can do the same for you if you would only allow them." He presented his case well, vouching for our trustworthiness in a way that I would never have been able to and I awaited Arlo's response with baited breath. Several tense moments of silence passed as she made her decision and I struggled to manage my anxiety as the seconds ticked past, only allowing her condition to worsen.
"I will not go inside. You may treat me here, under the careful watch of my second, or not at all." She offered, finally speaking in English and addressing Abby directly. I breathed a sigh of relief, allowing my shoulders to relax as Abby settled beside us with her bag of medical supplies and ensured that I remained close enough for Arlo to feel safe in trusting her. As she peeled back the fabrics to reveal a gushing wound, Abby grimaced and I felt my brows knit together with worry.
"Well, what do you think, doc? Can you save her?" I enquired, my voice shaking as I spoke and Abby glanced up at me, her pretty features warmly lit by the fire.
"I think it would be easier in the medbay, with Jackson and all of my tools." She suggested, causing Arlo to growl in objection and Abby broke into a reassuring smile. "But I'll do everything I can for your teacher." She added warmly and I smiled in appreciation at her kindness.
"Indigo, I must tell you about Azgeda. As my second, it will be your duty to report to the Commander if I don't-"
"No. I don't want to hear it. You just focus on staying alive and you can tell her for yourself. There will be no succession plans going on here, so don't even bother." I argued as I cut her off mid flow and she viewed me with annoyance. "Abby, is there anything I can do to help?"
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"Do you intend to fuss around me for the entire night? You must have responsibilities of your own." Arlo's sharp voice bounced off the walls of the small cave and I rolled my eyes at her. I was glad that she'd told me about this rarely used hideout near Arkadia and now that she'd been suitably patched up by Abby, I'd assisted her to get here so that she could rest. However, she seemed to have no intentions of resting, instead doing everything in her power to make caring for her as difficult for me as humanly possible.
"You've just had stitches and basically life saving surgery, Arlo. You'll have to forgive me if I feel the need to check that you are alright." I stated stubbornly, already losing my patience with her attitude and she groaned in annoyance from her makeshift bed, as if my concern for her was a purposeful form of torture.
"I am a warrior, not some frail old crone that requires your constant support. Of course I will be fine, child. This is not my first brush with death, nor shall it be my last, of that I am certain." She lectured in a bored tone and I thinned my eyes at her minimising attitude. The way she spoke now was as if I had imagined her preparing for her death mere hours ago and I grew tired of her cold façade. "Take your guards from my door and leave me to sleep. I do not require a handmaiden." She ordered, waving her hand at me in a frustrated gesture, but I remained firmly rooted to the spot as I considered all that had happened tonight. The events of recent meetings replayed in my mind and I felt conflicted between what I believed was for the grounder and my loyalty to my own people. Arlo glanced over at me aggressively, her eyes silently questioning why I hadn't obeyed her order to leave yet and I sighed thoughtfully.
"My people want me to help them to form an alliance with the Commander. They think that my experience with you makes me capable of advising them on this matter and my informing them of the situation with Azgeda has only furthered their desperation for this plan." I divulged, unsure what had prompted me to confide in her as I knew that her opinions would be undoubtedly biased and she scoffed at my description. Though our interests were vastly different, I still craved her wisdom as I continued to feel pulled between two opposing sides of myself and she quickly realised that this was an issue that was troubling me.
"What are your feelings on this alliance? Do you believe it to be possible?" She asked, urging me to explore my own feelings before she would impart any of her own, a method she had used with me many times in the past. I was relieved that she'd momentarily paused her bitter attacks to discuss this situation, as I knew that she was the only person who could assist me to resolve my feelings on the matter.
"I'm not sure. I think in many ways an alliance could be mutually beneficial. You have seen our medical experience now. We could offer treatments that would save lives. In exchange, they would ask for support with planting crops and other such knowledge to improve our self sufficiency." I answered thoughtfully and she nodded slowly, as if awaiting the negatives that she knew I was holding inside. "However, I am unsure how adaptable my people can be and I'm certain that there will be those who object to working alongside grounders. In our history, our leaders have been known to be ruthless and greedy. I am afraid that this will prove to be true again." I revealed, knitting my fingers together anxiously and considering how easily I felt that our people could manipulate the grounders if they desired. Arlo appraised me with an unreadable expression.
"Tell your leaders that I will meet them to discuss the threat of Azgeda. This will allow me to judge their intentions for myself. Tomorrow, at noon, you will lead them to our meeting point, where I will have signalled Indra to represent the Commander. Alliances are built on trust and we must begin to build this if you hope to one day approach the Commander." She advised, her usual wise manner calming my frazzled nerves and I smiled fondly at her.
"Thank you, Seda. I will return home to prepare them." I answered, respecting her desire to be left alone over mine to obsessively watch her overnight to ensure that she was recovering well.
I made my way outside to find Bellamy and a few others maintaining a view of the area and the moment that he noticed me, Bellamy came to my side. We silently fell into step together and he indicated to the others to fan out around us as I started the walk back to camp. Though I had my own reasons for feeling stressed with him, I could tell that he was holding tension too and hoped that we could simply avoid an argument whilst we had an audience.
"What's the deal with Arlo? Is she going to be alright on her own?" Bellamy broke the silence, his voice gravelly and overly cold, and I glanced over at him before quickly darting my attention away so that I didn't meet his eyes.
"I don't really have a choice but to hope that she will be. She was very clear that she didn't need a babysitter." I relayed with a formality that was strange between us and he hummed in response.
My wish was granted, as the rest of the walk passed without a single word and we automatically went through the well practiced motions of disarming upon the return to camp. Sensing the serious atmosphere between us, the others rushed through their protocol so that they could make themselves scarce and called goodnight behind them as they left us alone. Bellamy cleared his throat in an effort to ease the tension and I kept my eyes trained on my task avoidantly.
"So, are we gonna talk about what happened tonight?" He asked gruffly, his gaze burning into me as I willed myself to ignore him and he sighed in frustration. Eventually, I accepted that he wasn't going to drop the topic and turned to face him with reluctance.
"Well, that depends." I reported, crossing my arms as I addressed him and leaning against a nearby bench. "Are we going to talk about what's going on with you?" I probed, thinning my eyes at him in suspicion and he laughed darkly as he shook his head at me, his hand brushing across his jaw in a well recognised gesture of aggravation.
"Nothing is going on with me. You're the one who is behaving recklessly and making decisions that are impossible for me to support." He excused and I rolled my eyes at his avoidance. "Seriously, Indie. You warned the council to be careful out there with the ice nation around and now you want to go charging off on your own in the dark, based on a hunch? Help me to make sense of this." He argued, holding his hands out to me in exasperation and I levelled him with a withering stare. Whether it was intentional or not, I couldn't help feeling condescended by him and although I was always glad of his offers to help, I did not appreciate him telling me what to do, as he had earlier this evening.
"It would be quicker and quieter alone, and I knew that arriving with a force would set Arlo on edge. If it hadn't been for Lincoln, I'm not sure that I could have won her over." I stated defensively and Bellamy tilted his head at me as if I hadn't fully answered his question. "I don't know how I knew that it was her signalling, alright. I just felt it in my gut and I knew that it would haunt me if I didn't investigate. It's fortunate that we did, or else Arlo would have bled to death. I didn't want to risk taking a force that would potentially get caught in a conflict if I was wrong about who was out there." I elaborated and Bellamy scoffed at my explanation in an antagonising manner.
"So, you take the risk yourself instead, is that what you're saying?" He accused, his brows knitted tightly together and his hands placed firmly on his hips. I opened my mouth to object, but he abruptly cut me off. "Not everyone is your responsibility, Indie. You can't protect them all and you have got to stop throwing yourself into the firing line!" He raised his voice with each word and I could feel my temper rising as the seconds passed.
"Oh, please! That's rich coming from you! You can't wait to throw your life away for any passing damsel in distress. You're being such a hypocrite!" I spat in return and silence fell between us as we both took a moment to gather ourselves.
"You know, when you were in Mount Weather and Clarke suggested that we work with the grounders, I thought she was insane. But I'd have done absolutely anything to save you, so I went along with it." He began speaking in a much calmer voice and I glanced up from my feet to meet his eyes. "Then, my sister started following Indra around and Kane wanted to communicate with the Commander, and now Arlo is calling you her second. You think I don't know what that word means?" He added, examining me closely and I sighed at his tone. "I felt like I was seeing a side of you that you'd kept hidden from me tonight. You're different when you're with her and I could tell that you care for her. I'm afraid that you're just going to get sucked deeper and deeper into her world until it gets you killed. You're not a grounder, Indie. Please don't die like one." He expressed in a vulnerable tone and I scoffed in annoyance at the disrespect in his words. I felt as if he'd been observing me earlier in preparation for this conversation and that I was being unfairly judged for my relationship with Arlo.
"I know that I'm not a grounder, Bellamy. But Arlo has taught me to have better emotional control and I'm not going to apologise for how that has helped me. I'm strong enough to take care of myself thanks to her and that gives me peace that I sorely needed. Now there is a threat out there that is a problem for all of us and I am doing everything that I can to prepare us to deal with it. I don't need you to lecture me about who I am. I know exactly where my loyalties lie." I revealed with a furious expression and Bellamy began to grow heated again.
"You say that, but you're speaking their language, living with a grounder more often than you are here and advising the council to be careful how often we visit Mount Weather for supplies that could help everyone here because it will offend the grounders?! I don't want you to forget where your home is whilst you're out living in the woods." He spat, listing his points as if he were keeping a tally of the score between them and the grounders for who got to call me their own. I felt like a possession, torn between opposing sides and the pressure of the pulling was rapidly threatening to tear me in two.
"I didn't even want to be in these fucking meetings! I did it because you asked me to and now I'm doing everything that I can to keep the peace. That means walking the line between both sides and if you don't like it, you only have yourself to blame because you put this pressure on my shoulders!" I growled, feeling my hands starting to tremble from the anger and Bellamy seemed dumbfounded that I could possibly assign any blame to him in this situation. "I was quite happy to just focus on getting myself and my little family better, but you wanted me to play politics with you, so here we are." I added with a flourish and he stared at me with an expression of disbelief.
"You can't get everyone better. All you need to worry about is getting yourself better, which you told me that training to learn to fight would do. What I can't understand is why it needed to go this far, where you're involving yourself in a war. I just want you to be safe!" He pleaded, stepping closer to me in an attempt to reach through my anger but I withdrew from him, unwilling to consider this conversation finished whilst so much remained unresolved.
"You think that I don't want that too? After all of the shit we've survived, you think I wouldn't just love to sit around with you, in a simple existence and to be happy?! But I can't, because when I first came back here and it was just you and me, I couldn't hold myself together. The horrors that I'd seen and done were tearing me apart and so, I did what I had to do!"
"You are not the only person who is struggling to live with what they've done, Indigo!" Bellamy yelled as he completely gave into his anger and I flinched at his sudden outburst. "I have made mistakes that will stay with me forever and choices that you cannot even begin to imagine. I pressed the button that ended 300 innocent lives and I will have to live with that for as long as I live. I am reminded of it every day, when I look at Jasper falling to pieces and Monty, who we bullied into preparing it for us even though he didn't agree, haunted by his part in it. But whilst you and Clarke run away, I'm still here facing it. Tell me, what good is it to become a warrior if you can't even face yourself!" He ranted, allowing all of his frustrations to make themselves clear and I simply stood there to take it, frozen to the spot in shock. "We've all done awful things. You're not special. So get over it." He added bitterly before storming from the room and I wiped away angry tears that formed in my eyes.
I ensured to inform Kane of the impending meeting, who assured me that him and Abby would be ready to leave promptly in the morning. It also occurred to me that I should warn Octavia, as Indra would be summoned and she decided to leave immediately to explain the situation ahead of time. I offered to join her for the ride, but she insisted that I stay to escort Kane and Abby to the meeting point, in case she was late. Unwilling to return to my usual quarters, I made use of the room that Octavia was assigned but had never actually slept in and settled down for the night. I hoped that I might be able to get some sleep in preparation for the events of the next day, but I simply laid there repeating the conversation with Bellamy over in my mind, crying until I finally passed out from exhaustion.
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"What do you think is happening over there?" Harper thought aloud, glancing out from the trees to peek at the ruins where Kane, Abby, Indra and Arlo were gathered, deep in conversation. She peeked back at us inquisitively and I shrugged back with disinterest.
"I don't know, but apparently it is not a conversion for seconds to be involved in." Octavia commented bitterly, whilst I simply stared into space and continued to be lost to my own issues. We'd both been instructed to wait with Miller, Harper and Gina nearby, considered as little more than guards ourselves and I was frustrated that I was denied the opportunity to hear Arlo's explanation of her time in Azgeda. Time passed slowly as we awaited an outcome and Octavia glanced around at me in concern. "You're remarkably quiet. Everything alright?" She enquired as she examined me with a tempered suspicion in her features and I avoided looking at her as I spoke, keeping my attention in my thoughts.
"I'm fine. Just want to find out what's going on." I answered in a cold tone and Octavia glanced over to the others, who shrugged awkwardly. She sighed deeply, allowing a few moments of silence to pass before she attempted to make conversation again.
"So, I heard that Arlo made you her second. Never expected that when I first started teaching you to fight." She smiled with an obvious sense of pride as she viewed me that would have been treasured any other time, but I could hardly share in her enthusiasm after the disagreement of last night. Instead, I decided to keep my answers short to avoid falling into discussions and tried to ensure that I contained any hints of distress from my mannerisms.
"Don't get too used to it. I don't think I will be for long." I stated bitterly, unable to contain my annoyance and she raised her brows at me in surprise. Inwardly, I scolded myself for my lack of control and knew that I would struggle to avoid her curiosity now that she'd got the scent of there being a problem. "Look, I really don't wanna get into it right now, but I think I'm gonna be coming home for a while. I haven't decided yet." I divulged, careful with any details that I shared and Octavia sighed at my refusal to discuss it any further.
When the meeting finally concluded, I was glad to have an escape and the leaders each began to approach their respective waiting guards. Immediately raising to my feet, I held my breath as Arlo reached me and placed a hand on my arm to lead me further into the woods together. We walked in silence for a while, until she was satisfied that we were far enough away and she turned to face me with a serious expression.
"Indra and I have agreed to support your leaders in procuring an alliance with the Commander. In these times of uncertainty, we hope that your unique skills will help to stabilise our people and that perhaps we may call on Skaikru to partake in the fight against Azgeda when the time comes. For now, their plans continue to form in the shadows and I must tread carefully to discover their origins. I did not allow you the option to join me before, but if it is a risk that you wish to take now, I will not stop you." She explained, ensuring that her features remained unreadable and even to allow me to make my own decision.
Her unexpected offer shocked me and I stared back at her blankly for a few moments whilst I processed it. In all of my stress over the building tensions in camp, I had never considered that Arlo might be able to offer a fresh start where I could embrace a different lifestyle. I felt the familiar tug between the two sides of me rearing its head as the new path opened to me and I considered fleeing from my problems with her to whatever might face us in Azgeda. The faces of my loved ones flashed through my mind one at a time and I sighed deeply as I sunk into sitting on a nearby tree stump.
"I don't know what to do." I confessed, holding my head in my hands and when I glanced back up at her, she was waiting patiently for me to explain. "In many ways, I feel that I've already achieved the things that I wanted when I came to you. I'm stronger than I've ever been and my emotions are more in control than they were even on the Ark. Though, at the same time, I knew there's still so much more that I could learn from you. You have so much wisdom and I know that I'm still years away from fighting like you. But there are things that call me home, things that I am missing whilst I am here and it feels like it may have reached the time where I have to choose." I explained with my hands running through my hair in stress and she slowly wandered over to sit beside me.
"What does your heart tell you?" She asked, catching me off guard with the sentimentality of her question and I glanced over to find her observing me with an understanding smile. "We can talk of strength, honour, duty. But in truth, the only thing that controls our desires is our heart. If you follow your ambitions for strength, or out of a sense of loyalty, without your heart in it, you will always feel incomplete." She explained, her reasonable and emotional answer stunning me to my core and I realised that I still did not truly know her at all. "If you have a chance to live a life that will bring you joy and fulfilment, you should not deny that blessing for anything else. So, ask yourself. What does your heart desire?" She questioned again, her all seeing gaze baring into my face and I sighed thoughtfully as I considered the answer.
"I want to be happy and for my loved ones to be happy. I want to help them to overcome their pain, no matter how much they push me away. And I want to protect them from any further horrors from breaking them." I answered carefully and she nodded slowly as she absorbed these statements. "The problem is, I don't know how to do any of that." I added with tears filling my eyes and she assessed me closely.
"Though you have come to accept your past, you still carry guilt. What happened in the mountain still haunts you." She probed in a manner that was more of a statement than a question and I nodded in response. I recalled the night we spent sitting around the campfire in her camp, where I explained how the mountain fell, leaving out the finer details of my most shameful actions and knew that Arlo was reflecting over it at this moment. I began to worry whether even her wisdom could lift the weight of my trauma that still stood even after all this time under her guidance. "I understand the guilt of killing innocents. It is a burden that I am more familiar with than you will ever know. But you must remember that those in the mountain were not innocent. Even those who did not fight you directly were willing to allow all of your young lives to be sacrificed in order for them to live. They knew of your suffering. They allowed you to live amongst them, break bread together and to believe in the safety of their act, all the while preparing you like cattle for slaughter. That is an unforgivable sin, for which they met their end." She analysed the situation with a remarkable insight and I viewed her with respect, despite having previously believed that it was impossible for my opinion of her to become any higher. There was one detail that stuck in my mind and was unable to be shifted, however, and I met her eyes with a shameful expression.
"There were children there. Their lives were lost too in the radiation." I confessed with nausea flipping my stomach, but found none of the expected judgement in her expression. "I did not make the decision that led to their deaths, but I cannot say that I would have been unwilling to do so. I was losing myself to desperation. I'm not sure that there was much that I wouldn't have done." I admitted, feeling even worse about myself with every word and silence filled the air in the wake of my dark recollections. Arlo stared into space, a deep concentration filling her face before she finally returned her gaze to me, causing me to gulp with anticipation.
"It is no simple action to kill a child. Even our most barbaric warriors will falter at the thought of doing so." She revealed, her voice calm and steady, and I nodded guiltily. "However, there are times when they are caught in the crossfire. That is the nature of war, it is brutal and unforgiving." She paused to lean closer and met my eyes with an intensity that made me shiver. "The lives that were lost in your battle were not taken with malice, but out of necessity for the survival of your loved ones. You are not responsible for their refusal to surrender." She stated with determination, urging me to believe in her words and I felt her wisdom seeping through the pain in my chest.
"There are others in my camp, those who are struggling with the aftermath far worse than I have thanks to you. Last night, I began to realise that even the people that I thought were managing better still have their demons. I need to help them to find peace too." I asserted, reaching a conclusion for myself and feeling as if I might already know the answer to her question.
"You cannot live your life for others, Indigo. Be careful that your decisions are truly your own. Some people do not wish to be saved." She advised carefully and I shook my head fervently at her insinuation.
"I know that I cannot make them heal, but I think the things that I've learned here could help them. Besides, I've realised that leaving them to struggle alone is not the person that I want to be. I can't follow the same path as Clarke." I muttered, losing myself to thought as I recalled my conversations with Bellamy and Jasper's last vengeful attack on my conscience, and when I next looked to Arlo, she had crooked her head at me in interest. I realised that although I'd told her about the events of the fall of the mountain, I had not mentioned how they had impacted on my people since and sighed as I acknowledged that she did not understand my reference. "There's someone in particular who needs me. They shared the weight of pulling that trigger with Clarke, but when they returned to camp with the survivors, she refused to come inside. She disappeared into the woods, unable to face her guilt and left them to bear the burden of their actions alone. I need to stand beside them, until they can accept their past as I have. I owe them that for saving my life. I can't just run away too." I revealed, allowing myself to be more honest than I had with anyone before and she examined me with a knowing smile.
"It is more than duty, or repaying a debt. You love him. I can see it in your eyes. I saw it in the way that you exercised restraint near your home, and I recognise it in the desire that you feel to return to his side." She expressed in a voice that implied that she would not accept any denial and I remained tight lipped on the matter, unwilling to explore that possibility when I already felt lost in my feelings. "You must make him strong, so that you never have to face the pain of his death." She added with a pang of sorrow and as I glanced over at her, I could tell that her mind was miles away from the present. I rose to my feet to begin removing my daggers from their harness but Arlo rose to meet me and held her hand up to halt me in place. "Keep them, and the clothes too. The day might come when you are able to return to me." She offered, a fond smile filling her lips and I was astounded at the sight of it. I lifted the skirt portion of my outfit to reach the radio and handed it to her without a second thought.
"Here. If you ever need help, just press this button and speak into it. I'll come straight to you." I advised as I held it out to her and she stared down at it reluctantly. I pushed it toward her with insistence and she rolled her eyes as she took it.
"Have courage, Indigo kom Trishanakru. You will need it in the days to come." She stated firmly, the title causing tears to form in my eyes that I had to battle to conceal and she held her arm up to me in respect.
"May we meet again, Seda." I answered as I touched my arm to hers and felt as if I was losing a part of myself as she strode away from me.