So a bit of a plot twist-y chapter where Roy decides that he can't afford to be a psychic at certain parts and so please review as it inspires me to write faster, but no flames, as they have the opposite effect ;)
Chapter sixty-one
Roy had known for over two months now that Ed was adorable.
But right now he was having a Maes Hughes episode. He wasn't putting his hands on his cheeks and going 'Oh, how adorable!'
But he was damn well aching with awe at his five-year-old son's words as he lifted him out of the car as he met Riza and Ed on the parking lot outside the hotel. Ed clung to his chest in a way that was far less than when he had been surrounded by strangers. But he was obviously still scared, which was why Roy had been waiting for them here at the parking lot in order to hug Ed all the way up to their suite. Al was going to go for about an hour's walk with Riza and Rolf so that they would be back by half past nine, giving Roy an hour alone with Ed before Ed was supposed to fall asleep, and usually did.
Because they all knew that Ed needed some time to calm down after a day like this, and his main way of doing that, was to sit on Roy's lap or in the bath.
Unless things were to turn out differently because he needed to speak to Fullmetal. He needed to do it and his mind kept jumping back to that thought, tugging at him to the point that it constantly interfered with his thoughts.
But if not, then today seemed like a bath type of day.
But that did not make Ed's words any less cuter. "I made sure to have a really fun day so that the old me can visit in my body and feel just how happy it is because I've been making the best out of my day!" he told Roy, snuggling into his neck.
Sometimes Roy couldn't help but wonder just how easier life would be if he could just have a five-year-old-size sling around his chest.
But instead he just smiled and kissed the top of his son's head.
Though his stomach was clenching violently at Ed's words about Fullmetal. Because Roy's head had been going through their conversation over and over again for a large part of the day. And about the things surrounding him looking into human transmutation.
And looking at the bags under his son's eyes, even though he knew that he had slept for two hours earlier while Charlie had needed a break because she had got a bit socially overloaded, made him even more desperately afraid of how quickly this could prove itself fatal for his boys. Ed's sleeping schedule was already too high, and when he had now had a day full of fun with his friend, he seemed almost as exhausted as he had done yesterday after the library incident.
Though that would probably have something to do with the fact that Ed hadn't slept as soundly with Riza and Rolf as he would have done with Roy. Hopefully.
But the truth of it all was that his sons were dying, and he had nothing that he could do about it right now. He needed to fix things. Needed to get those boys free from the connection that none of them really understood. He needed to speak with Izumi. She had told him back in East City about the failed transmutation and they had wondered about how Al's lost memories during Ed's and Nina's nap times.
...Although Fullmetal might be the best one to ask about the connection that was killing his sons.
Just something.
Anything.
Because Roy didn't know what to do. And yet he couldn't say it to anyone. He couldn't do anything. Not without hurting his sons.
"That's a lovely thought, Ed," Roy told his son kindly, before wishing Al and Riza a fun and safe trip.
"Charlie's gonna join us tomorrow too! And Audrey said that Charlie and I can take a bath and she can bring some of the toys that she likes to sit and play with when she takes a bath! So there's gonna be a turtle, though he doesn't float, and a little family with a baby, boy, girl, mum and dad, and she's got a little playhouse too that we can put on a table that I can transmute because you taught me how to do that from Grandma's bathroom wall! And Grandma's gonna buy some beads and we'll make really cool animals and shapes from them for tomorrow! And we're gonna bake cookies with a recipe that Audrey's gonna bring!"
"That sounds really fun, Ed, I'm glad you had a fun day today," Roy said, kissing the top of his head again to comfort him as they made their way to the front door of the hotel, hoping that it would help calm Ed down, but also not... Because he had a horrible plan that required him being alone with Fullmetal, and if his hopes and his fears that he would be coming back were to prove themselves correct, then Roy knew what he needed to do.
Ed, predictably enough, pressed himself further into Roy's chest with a slight and nervous intake of air as a group of giggling girls walked out of the large double doors.
And then he stopped. "Colonel...?" came an awkward whisper against his neck, and Roy paused, knowing that he was probably only even further traumatising his previous subordinate.
...Because he was still kissing the top of his head. "Just keep leaning into me like this, we're out in public," he whispered softly into his hair. "We only met you this morning, so I need you to pretend that you're seeking comfort from me."
He hadn't been expecting him to come back so soon at just that small trigger, but this also suggested that the new theory of his might be right.
...And that he was being granted a piece of luck by getting what he wanted and needed so soon.
"And how long is it going to be until that isn't necessary?" came the next awkward whisper against his neck. Roy couldn't even imagine how uncomfortable this must be for Fullmetal. But his theories about his body being instinctively trusting and finding comfort in Roy holding him obviously made it less awkward.
...Because at least it meant that instinct told Fullmetal that it was a good place to be, even if his mind thought something else.
"Another thirty seconds or so, Fullmetal... Sorry... But please also bear with me, because I need you to help me perform human transmutation within the next fifty-eight minutes..." Roy whispered back, earning a shocked jump that basically made him just look like he was reacting badly to crowds again. And Roy still kept him hugged to him so that the boy couldn't say anything loud enough for people to hear because it was muffled by the collar of his shirt. And it also helped Fullmetal stay jumpy and less awkward out of shock and semi-outrage.
"What?!"
"Because you and Al are dying, and I have a plan. Now just stay quiet and look scared."
He had a theory that now that Ed's soul had found a way to get a break from all things scary and terrifying, then Roy needed to keep Fullmetal's part on tenterhooks so that Ed would not be coming back before this was done. And so by telling him about how he was dying and that Roy needed help in performing human transmutation, Ed's soul part would definitely stay dormant even when they reached their room. Had Roy not said that and had instead waited until they were behind their suite door, then he would have risked Ed taking over as soon as they would have finished their dangerous and terrifying journey.
And so Fullmetal stayed quiet, his breathing signalising that the boy wasn't entirely calm about Roy's words, and as soon as they locked the door to their room, Roy put Fullmetal down, the boy's eyes looking so unlike those of his son's because of how much older they suddenly seemed. "What the hell are you talking about, Colonel?! Why are we dying?! What are you planning on doing through human transmutation?!"
Roy sighed heavily and walked over to the couch and sat down, immediately followed by the young boy who was both his son, but also not. Fullmetal just sat up on the coffee table in front of him, his arms crossed over his chest. "Al had a thought strike him soon before you burst into the bedroom, which was why I was looking like I did, even before you called me Colonel. I didn't tell you earlier today because I didn't think that there was anything to be achieved through it and that our best course of action was to do all that we could to get Al his body back as soon as possible. However, I can't get myself to watch as my son does everything that he can to stay happy and make us happy and yet die slowly without knowing it as he has less and less energy to do so. For all we know, this could mean that he's on the brink of death already. Because I suspect that you can put two and two together when I say that you were unable to bring your mother back to life because you didn't pay enough for her soul, and yet you only paid one arm to bind Al's to a suit of armour. And, though it was a lot less obvious before because you just seemed to be of the type that eats twice as much as someone your age would, but you also spent a lot of time exercising while also using a lot of energy on walking around with two steel limbs, which was also why you would sleep so much... It seems just a bit too suspicious that you would now eat four times as much as someone your age would, and you're steadily sleeping more and more, meaning that you sleep sixteen hours a day and don't gain any additional weight besides what is usual for someone your age."
Fullmetal stared at him in horror. "You're saying that I'm sustaining Al's body too?!"
Roy nodded, trying to keep his tears at bay, because he was damned well scared by what he was about to do.
...Mostly because he had found a toll that should work well and still leave him unhindered in achieving his goals and, just as importantly, still be able to be his sons' father without taking something away from them too.
But he was still terrified, even if he wasn't questioning it.
In fact, he had only just worked out what he would pay when he had lifted Ed out of the car.
And so he just nodded. "Yes, you are. And I honestly don't think that we'll be able to get Al his body back before you start getting seriously ill. You've already begun sleeping for four hours longer per day than what you did when we found you. For all we know, you could get scurvy from eating a healthy diet within a few weeks. And I don't want to draw so much attention to it, but if we don't do something about it now, then that's what will happen. I can't ignore my son's health in order to keep up something that we need to do, but which will also be slowed down soon enough because of your health. And after everything that happened, I don't want my kid to go through hell once more by needing to get you admitted to a hospital. The sooner we stop it, the better."
He took a shaky breath, a giant lump building in his stomach. "I don't want him to know that he's dying and that his Daddy can do something about it, but chooses not to... But he will find out soon enough, unless I can just shift that connection to my own body. I'm a grown man, I won't even have to eat double portions, and I go to bed at nine or half an hour later at the most. If you could sustain his body for four years without getting half as bad as you do in this form, then I should damn well work even better. I'm done growing, I'm long since done with puberty, I don't have a pair of automail limbs to drag around..." he told the boy before him, seeing his terrified eyes.
...Terrified and guilty.
But Roy spoke before he could say anything else, and then prodded Fullmetal's chest. "But you, on the other hand, are a five-year-old in a body that needs to get to grow on its own. That needs to be able to stay awake. To not be sustaining someone that is three times as old as him..." He then moved his finger to point at Fullmetal's heart. "And that heart is too small for me to want to risk straining it any more than it already has been... So please..." His voice rose about half a pitch at the last word, his eyes beginning to sting with tears that would soon begin going down his cheeks. And so he looked straight into the golden eyes in front of him.
...Which was when Roy also noticed the fact that Fullmetal wasn't just scared of the situation itself, but also of Roy. And so he took a deep and shaky breath and put his hand back in his own lap. "It should be possible... You performed human transmutation twice, more or less... And the success rate seems a lot larger when the person isn't dead and has a living, breathing body and soul... Once Lillian paid a toll that was actually large enough, she managed to successfully make your body like this..." He wiped away his tears just before they would have started running down his cheeks. "Please, Fullmetal... Please let me do this."
The boy was obviously still having the emotional responses of a five-year-old, meaning that the kid's own eyes were getting shiny with tears. "...What about the toll? What you're planning on is going to have a high price... Especially when you can't just skip the Portal of Truth..."
Roy smiled bravely at that, or at least tried to, getting that weird sort of almost laughing way of speaking. The one of denial and fear, he supposed. "I'm not going to go with something that will keep me from fulfilling my goals or taking even more away from my boys than what you've already lost." He didn't even try to stop his tears, because he was damned scared at the realisation that this was actually going to happen. He was terrified, but it was also worth it.
Because they were his boys.
"You told me that Truth likes to mess with those that go against the flow of the universe and that he has a fondness of giving us arrogant fools our 'just desserts'... So I figured that I should offer something that is of equivalent value that isn't based on that blasted principle of his and which is going to be worse than losing three limbs because it's worth more if you ask me... But it also shows how arrogant a fool I am for thinking that my limbs or all five of my senses and my independence and being able to not lean on others while raising my boys, is better than giving up my memories of the first fifteen years of my life and all of my memories of the one who raised me..." His stomach clenched violently at saying it aloud. "And I agree... In the long run, I can understand it full well... But I can't let what I am about to do slow me down in our search for a way to get Al his body back... I can't wait a few years to get automail... I can't just sit still... And I think you can see my way of thinking?"
Fullmetal had paled completely, his voice quiet and slightly shaky. "...Y-you... You're gonna give the memories of your childhood and the only blood relative that you have left, just to keep Al and me alive?"
Roy just nodded, dread steadily sinking into his body more and more. "Think about it... The first fifteen years of my life, like your own age, leaving me with no memories of my upbringing in exchange for letting me see you boys grow up... Losing my memories of my adoptive mother in exchange for being your adoptive father and to protect you by learning how to clap to transmute... Being arrogant enough to assume that my memories of my time before an alchemist are worth less than the knowledge of the Portal of Truth... It should be enough, shouldn't it?"
...He should have foreseen what came next, considering the fact that the Fullmetal Alchemist was currently inside the body of a five-year-old.
Because the kid began sobbing and throwing a semi-tantrum by jumping down from the table and starting to punch his knees. "DAMN YOU! YOU SHOULDN'T BE WILLING TO GIVE UP ALL THAT JUST FOR US! NOT YOU, YOU MANIPULATIVE, WOMANISING, EGOMANIACAL BASTARD! NOT AFTER LESS THAN THREE MONTHS! YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE SELFLESS LIKE THAT!"
Roy shook his head while letting out two shaky laughs. "Trust me, Fullmetal, this is me being selfish to the extreme, because I'm the one who wants to defy God himself in order to keep my sons alive. And I'm definitely being a bastard to my aunt right now, although I think that she cares enough about me to think that this is better than me losing three limbs. And you can't claim that I'm being selfless when I'm deciding that I don't want my own childhood just so that I won't have to spend a lot of time being in too much pain to hug my kids..." He choked on his tears. He was scared out of his wits. "After all, I'm choosing to to make you two feel guilty about what I am about to do, rather than for me to feel guilty about you two." He felt partially sickened by himself. Because he couldn't help but feel that the kindest option of all that would make them suffer the least would have been to kill his kids without giving them enough time to them know what he was doing. Quickly, painlessly.
Just ceasing to exist.
Just releasing them from the suffering that came with being alive.
But there was no way in hell that he would ever do such a thing.
And so instead he was going to let them spend the rest of their lives tormented by the way that their father had decided to give up his own childhood in return for their lives. He had talked with Al about how much it had hurt his boy to have seen all the pain that his brother had put himself through, just for him.
Because he couldn't deny the fact that Roy would sacrifice a large part of himself. In fact, he was about to give up his memories of just over half his life. He would remember talking about them, he supposed...
But it would probably be like remembering a book review... Just memories of recounting excerpts of a book that he could no longer remember to ever actually have read.
And so his life would soon only consist of the time where so much had gone wrong and how Roy had steadily stripped himself of all his innocence.
...All of it.
And his aunt would simply disappear from his memories. Completely. He would forget her voice and the way that she looked. The friendly teasing. The support that she had always provided him with.
Next time he saw her, she would be a stranger that he had told people about, but had never met.
But it had to be done.
He couldn't make his boys suffer even more. He couldn't risk them getting permanent health conditions or even die before they could even get them. There was an enormous strain on a small body with a small heart that could simply die from the strain. And he couldn't lose them.
Because Ed and Al had given him a reason to live.
And the thought of returning to the way of thinking that he had had before that was horrifying.
...Because he couldn't lose the constant and prideful 'I'm Edward Elric-Mustang, with a hyphen.'
And so he looked at the sobbing child who was punching his legs. "Please, Fullmetal... Please just help me do this before Al and Riza return? ...Please help me save my sons' lives... Just... Just please."
Fullmetal ran away into the middle of the room after grabbing the piece of chalk on the table, still sobbing. "DAMN YOU! NOW COME OVER HERE SO THAT I CAN EXPLAIN THIS TO YOU, BECAUSE I HAVE TO JOIN YOU TO REPEAT THE PROCESS OF THE FIRST TIME! OTHERWISE YOU'VE GOT NO CHANCE OF TRANSFERRING THE LINK BETWEEN OUR SOULS!"
"Why do I have a feeling that you were consciously trying to make this part of me come back so that you could have me do this?" Fullmetal asked as he finished drawing up the final symbol. They only had about ten minutes left before Al and Riza would return.
Roy sighed. "Because I was hoping that my theories about how Ed's weakening body had been the reason for your soul parts to switch. What with the final push that yesterday's events had constituted, I thought that maybe another push in the form of the reception area would bring you back... Which was why I wanted to be alone with you, because I want to get this done as soon as possible, should that happen... For all we know, the way that your body is suddenly unable to keep holding on to the soul part that has been in charge ever since you got this way, means that you've got too much of a strain on your body already to even survive the night in case of another bad nightmare."
The boy stayed quiet for about half a minute before he spoke again. "...Well, I suppose that if something isn't completely accepted through the toll that you pay, I could always add in an arm, considering how I paid my right arm for Al's soul, but now it's gonna be you who keeps his soul bound to the armour, so technically, I should get my arm back, so I need to ask about how that would work, what with how I've got a new arm already... I'll have to ask Truth if I could get it slowly added to my height for the next few years... Either way, we sorta have a contingency plan."
Roy just nodded, not really knowing what he should say about the arm, but knowing his son well enough by now to instantly tell what the kid was actually thinking about the price of his actions. "But you still think that the toll that I'm paying is enough to grant both of us passage and for me to do what I need to."
The boy nodded weakly, walking around the transmutation circle to make sure that everything was how it should be. "Yes. Otherwise I wouldn't be doing this because of the risk of the wrong outcome. You're paying one hell of a price by doing this... And the fact that you're still thinking that we're worth so much should work in your favour too... And you're obviously showing just how much you value lives, something that we failed to do, what with how you still don't think that your own memories are worth more than Al's body..."
Roy shook his head, his stomach clenching even more. "I can't risk Al dying over my selfishness... Or to have him lose parts of his body because I think that my memories are worth more than what they are..." He sat down in front of the devilish transmutation circle before him with his legs crossed. And so he decided to say something that he hadn't actually been planning to because of how awkward it would make Fullmetal. "I don't remember my parents at all, you know... By making my aunt a stranger, I'm losing my only parent... Which means that I'm gonna end up thinking that I haven't ever had my parents hug me... I figured that doing that should be enough for me not to lose something that will compromise my ability to give my sons proper hugs... No lost limbs or automail... No losing my sight or organs or sense of smell or my hearing or sense of touch... I'm choosing loneliness and emptiness in favour of my sons getting a father who won't won't let them have the same... I'm basically killing my biological family in exchange for my new one... And my own misery over it, rather than the alternative, namely making you pay through your body, or my son, being terrified because we have to spend time in a hospital because I wouldn't exactly be in the best shape with multiple amputations. There's no rehabilitation this way. No rehabilitation in exchange for leaving me with the emptiness of not having had a childhood."
"You bastard... So what you're saying is that you're giving up your own childhood in exchange for Al and the other me getting a second one?"
"Yes... Because you kids have given me a reason to live, rather than to die... And I can't just... It's why I'm calling what I'm doing selfish... I explained about my goals earlier today, but I haven't told either you or my sons that I was going to give the Ishbalans justice through having those that were praised as war heroes during the Ishbalan War of Extermination, put on trial as war criminals... If I lose my boys, then I'll have no longer have a reason not to fulfil that goal... And with what I've been given, I just..."
He didn't expect to have Fullmetal run straight at him and hug him tightly around the chest. "Just shut up, you bastard... I don't wanna listen to you explaining more right now... You're being stupid. Stupid and annoying and noble and it actually hurts like hell to listen to because this body instinctively feels like sobbing. So just shut the hell up and stop making me feel like throwing up... Now find us a knife. Al and I tried to pay for Mom's soul by cutting our fingers. Mixing our blood too into the same transmutation is probably one of the most important factors in making a connection between our souls. It's why I'm saying that I hafta join you. And you should probably slice your hand open while I just do my finger... There's a strong chance that you're gonna be making an entirely new blood seal, and you don't have... You're not gonna have a lot of blood pouring from a leg stump... So when Al's gonna be returning at about the same time as we do, then you'll probably need a lot of blood to draw it up... So a big, deep cut... Sorry."
Roy's eyes widened and he stood up, placing the boy on the floor. "I should really do that first, just to fill up a glass and then press some toilet paper to it. The blood will soak through, making direct contact, and I'll have instant supply of blood without it having to be slowed down by me potentially not bleeding enough when I make the seal." He got an idea. "Actually, could you whip up a needle and a tube in order to just make it into a sort of blood sample? Just like at the doctor's."
"You're too good at improvisation for your own good, Colonel," Fullmetal said grumpily and ran to the bathroom, most likely for the first aid kit.
And so Roy was soon finding himself with a thick plaster over the inside of his left elbow, having learnt how to take his own blood samples when they had been in Resembool in order to avoid having to bring Ed to one of his worst triggers if Roy needed to go to the doctor's himself. He was travelling a lot more and putting himself at risk of picking things up, so just having to deliver some already filled vials would serve to make things a lot easier. Especially as Ed would be scared by the thought of Roy getting hurt by being in the hospital like Ed had been.
And so it had been two birds with one stone.
And right now, about two hundred millilitres of blood in a glass.
"All right, we've only got about two minutes left, let's do this," he announced, looking at his pocket watch after he had placed the glass about a metre away from the transmutation circle and pulled his uniform jacket on so that it would be nice and warm for when he would be hugging Ed after it was all done. Then he made a small cut in his right index finger and handed Fullmetal the knife as he knelt down, feeling his stomach clench at the fact that he was basically telling Fullmetal to hurt his son.
"You're a stupid bastard, you know..." He had tears in his eyes. "But thank you... Now we've got to do this before they get back, otherwise they're gonna get a lot more scared when waiting for us to return because they'll be afraid that we're not coming back." Then he cut open his finger and looked up at Roy as he knelt down himself. "Now we should probably do what I did to pull Al's soul back, so you should say what you want to achieve, so mention me guiding you. Because I shouted out what the toll I wanted to pay was before I clapped my hands... So hopefully that's gonna work with you too."
Roy just nodded and looked at the drops of blood that were falling from their fingers on to the transmutation circle. "Got it... And thank you for helping me." Then he looked at the damned circle before them, feeling a wave of terror slam into him But then he glared at it for the way that it was threatening to kill his sons.
Which meant that he growled at it. "I'm giving you all my memories of the first fifteen years of my life, as well as every memory I have of my only remaining blood relative, in exchange for the connection between Al's and Ed's souls to be transferred to me so that I will be the one to sustain Al's body myself and free Ed from doing so. And if that gives Ed his arm back, then have it add to his height as he grows up without it looking suspicious! So please let me do this!"
Then they slammed their hands to the transmutation circle and the terror only magnified as the room filled with a light that was far from the normal of his previous transmutations. It was wrong. He was getting goosebumps and a chill ran down his spine, and yet he kept his focus on what he wanted to achieve.
This was all wrong. His instincts as an alchemist were screaming at him about how wrong this was.
...About how he was playing with fire in a way that he had never done before, and how there truly waas no going back right now.
Then there were the black hands and the eye opening up in front of him that Al and Fullmetal had told him about.
And the hands surrounding his head, touching it, pulling on his memories, feeling like part of him was being dragged inside the eye.
And then it was white. It was all white.
He had tried to imagine what Fullmetal had told him it would be like. But he hadn't really understood it before now.
He looked behind him at the stone gate.
"Hello," came a very, very strange voice behind him.
Roy chuckled fearfully and shakily and turned around to face the strange being, slightly taken aback by how it looked. About how it grinned. And about how it had the shape of a grown man, contrary to Fullmetal's description. "Hello back... I believe you heard me, God... Now is the toll I'm paying high enough? If it isn't, then I'll gladly add the last time where I was innocent, meaning everything before I joined up."
Truth chuckled. "No, I'll give you what you want for your original toll, you arrogant fool..."
Roy didn't even have the time to let out a relieved sigh before the stone gates opened behind him. And so he didn't fight the black hands as they grabbed him, but instead kept looking at the white being. "Trust me, I know that I'm an arrogant bastard, so thank you for putting up with me..." he said as he was dragged backwards by the black hands as they sneaked their way around his chest and his limbs. And he felt tears streaming down his cheeks. "Thank you."
"I'll show you the truth of your actions, Roy Mustang..."
Then the doors were closed and Roy couldn't stop himself from yelling as he found himself getting dragged through far, far, far too much information all at once, and his body started to be disintegrated by even more of the black hands. It was overwhelming and terrifying and tormenting all at once and there was just no way of going back. His body was hurting with all the information that was flowing through him, around him, and it wasn't stopping. He was dying, he had to be. It was tto much all at once and he couldn't escape it as the hands held him still.
But then it all just stopped right before his head would surely have burst right open.
And he was met by a blazing headache and the sight of his own grinning version of Truth before him. There were an additional two Portals in the white void this time, one to his left and one to his right. The one to his left had a smaller, Fullmetal-sized version of Truth, though not Ed-sized, and with two flesh limbs attached to it.
...And then there was the naked, malnourished child sitting before the Portal to his right, their pale skin greyish, and with long, blonde hair.
Roy froze, his stomach lurching.
And he found himself not regretting his decision in any way at the sight of what was undoubtedly Al's body. The boy was sitting with his knees bent up to his chest, looking up at him with the golden eyes from the pictures he had been shown by the Rockbells. Golden, but lacking life.
"Did you like it, Roy Mustang?" his Truth asked.
Roy reluctantly moved his attention back to the white being, a wide grin still on its mouth. "What happened to Fullmetal?"
"He was sent back once he got the information that he wanted for what you paid for..."
"So he's gonna grow up to be of normal height, minus his leg?" He couldn't help but glance at Fullmetal's Truth's limbs, his stomach sinking. It was obvious that Fullmetal had been unable to take Al's body with him because of the toll of it. It made sense, the way that his soul had cost an arm. The price for his mind and body would most likely kill the one performing the transmutation.
"Yes. Once you draw up the blood seal, his arm will be added as his genetical potential."
Roy noticed that the two Truths seemed irked at what had happened to Fullmetal, but it made sense, he supposed. The Pentons had been playing God and had been using innocent children as the toll in order to gain that necessary knowledge to keep on doing it. The then Elrics had technically played God themselves through thinking that they had the right to bring someone back to life.
...Roy was just trying to shift the outcome of the curse that the Pentons had forced upon his sons, and so Truth seemed to like Roy just a bit more because he wasn't really messing too much with anything.
Other than his own memories.
And so he couldn't help but ask while he still could and before the toll was paid because he still had his memories for now. "You seem a lot more cooperative and patient with me than what I heard you did with Fullmetal. And especially when you sent him away before I could even get here."
"I think you know the answer already, Roy Mustang."
A thought struck him.
...Because he had actually been humble by thanking it for letting him do this. And he was actually waiting for the being that was also known as the 'Universe' to tell him what to do and had begged it for guidance and permission.
Plus, he had made it clear that he knew full well how Roy was an arrogant bastard.
"I see, then where do I go from here?"
"You take my hand to seal the bond," came an older version of Al's voice sadly, and Roy whipped around to look at his boy. Al just weakly lifted his own right one to him.
It was so thin.
Far too much so. And the nails were too long and broken and his boy just looked...
...Looked like he didn't even know who Roy was.
Roy just walked forwards slowly, desperate to actually touch his boy, to feel his son's hand in his own, but also knowing that once he had done so, he would be sent back. "Do you know who I am?"
"Only that Brother said that a lot of things are happening which is why he looks like that... And that his stupid boss is taking care of us for no reason..." He smiled sadly. "But he never got any further before he was pulled back and your own Portal appeared, Mr Mustang..."
Roy felt sick at the fact that he was being called that by his own son, but he still kept his voice gentle. "I'm your adoptive father and that is why I'm doing this... Your brother's soul was split as a result of a pair of psychopaths, so now he's switching between his five-year-old self and his fifteen-year-old self... And he didn't know about the adoption before just this morning, which is why he's calling me that, because the last thing he remembers of me before that, is me being his CO as he had become a State Alchemist three years ago in order to get you your body back. So I've picked up the thread from where he had been forced to stop about three months ago. And so my sons are going to be very happy to hear that I met you, Al." More tears were running down Roy's cheeks.
The boy seemed confused. Confused, but also sad and subdued. As if his body was complete, his mind was still there, but his soul wasn't united with him.
...Like his actions lacked spirit.
It hurt and helped at the same time to see that. To see that Al wasn't so miserable as he would have been, had he had his soul too.
But he was still here.
Sad.
Trapped.
And Roy would be leaving his son here again.
"So you think we're worth that much to you?" Al asked.
Roy shook his head slightly, giving his boy a shaky smile. "No, you two are priceless to me... Which is why I can't afford to lose you so soon after I got you. So we're going to do what we can to get you back... But that is also why I have to leave you behind for now, because I'm not going to take your father away from you by giving up too much to be the parent that you want me to be..." He sighed heavily, his voice just as shaky as before. Because he was still terrified of what was coming. Of leaving here. Of leaving without his memories. "Because the thing that my sons have told me that they want to do first, is for us to have a long, long family hug, and that means that I can't give up parts of my body or senses or too much memories... Because then I won't be able to be who they want to hug when that day comes..."
Al looked at him, then smiled sadly with a small nod. "It sounds like I have something to look forwards to... So I'll just wait here for the day when we can be the family that you're working so hard for... Which is also why it's time for you to leave and go back to them."
Another giant lurch of his stomach came with his words. Because if he stayed much longer, then he would be worrying his family. For all he knew, Ed might be sobbing over the way that the room was looking and panic at the way that it looked like Roy had ended up in a similar state as Al and Ed didn't know how to get his Daddy back. And so he nodded shakily. "We're going to get you back, you have my word," he said as he took Al's small hand in his, and it was like a jolt of electricity. Because Al was so skinny, so malnourished.
And cold.
And Roy was going to put some meat back on those bones now.
He suddenly got an odd feeling in his mind, like some sort of emptiness.
One which could only mean one thing.
He heard the stone gates creak open behind him and Roy had a sudden idea strike him. He immediately released Al's hand in order to frantically open his uniform jacket and then quickly drape it around Al's shoulders to at least help him stop being so cold.
Then the black hands grabbed him again while his hands were still on Al's shoulders and began pulling him back inside his Portal. And so he instantly looked towards his Truth in order to show it a bit more subservience and gratitude. "Please let him keep it," he told it weakly, his voice choked by tears.
His Truth grinned once more in that disturbing way, the inside of its head now containing a small hint of what looked like a swirling, light blue fog. "I am the Universe, I am God, I am All, I am One..." Then its voice turned into that of a child's, though Roy didn't recognise it, even if he had a feeling that he knew who it belonged to. "...And I am also You, Roy Mustang..."
Fear began to sink into him. Because it was gone now.
His childhood was gone.
And so was his fifteenth birthday, which explained why Roy had been able to talk with Al for so long and give him his jacket.
And so he could only laugh shakily at Truth. "Thank you..." Then he looked towards Al. "And don't worry about the jacket, I'll go to the outfitters tomorrow and blame it on our puppy!"
Al smiled slightly with a look of sad gratitude at his words. Then he held up his right hand weakly in a gesture similar to a wave, revealing his palm.
...And Roy noticed the faint red spot from the cut on his own finger, and it explained the jolt of electricity-like feeling from when he had touched him. He had now added just a tiny, tiny, tiny piece of the DNA of Al's skin to Roy's own bloodstream. All just so as to establish a biological connection between Roy's blood and Al's body for when Roy would be drawing up the new blood seal. Which meant that he would have to draw it with that same finger.
And when he thought about it, touching Al's hand had achieved something else.
...Because unlike before, Roy now had a firm idea about how he would create and activate the blood seal.
Because Fullmetal's arm was still there on his Truth, and Christine Mustang was still clearly imprinted on his mind, even if it only concerned the past fourteen years of his life.
And so he looked back at his own Truth as he reached the doors. "Thank you... Thank you for letting me do this... And if you're me like you say, then you'll also have a fifteen-year-old kid who I know wants to keep Al company in there."
His Truth just grinned and then the doors were slammed shut before it could reply.
Then everything turned black for two seconds, before he was suddenly standing on all fours in the middle of the transmutation circle. And Al was lying on his back, his helmet on the ground next to his body, and with the open neck hole turned towards him about a metre outside the transmutation circle.
Roy would have been afraid that he had collapsed as a result of Roy's actions, if it hadn't been for the fact that Al was holding out the glass of blood for him over his own right shoulder. "DAMMIT, DAD! YOU CAN'T JUST SEND US AWAY AND NOT MENTION THE FACT THAT WE WILL BE COMING BACK HERE TO FIND BIG BROTHER THROWING A TANTRUM WHILE THERE'S A GLASS OF YOUR BLOOD ON THE COFFEE TABLE AND A HUMAN TRANSMUTATION CIRCLE ON THE FLOOR!"
It felt like Al's words had stabbed him, but he hardly had time to even think about it before he heard an angry, tearful statement from over by the kitchen worktop.
...Where Fullmetal was sitting with his index finger held up to Riza as she stitcghed it, the boy obviously having cut too deep into his finger in frustration at what Roy had been doing, and out of want for his little brother to stay safe by making a proper job of it. "I WASN'T THROWING A TANTRUM! I WAS JUST VENTING SOME OF MY FRUSTRATION THROUGH FIGHTING A TRANSMUTED SOFA PILLOW! AND, BESIDES, I EXPLAINED ABOUT WHAT THE COLONEL WAS DOING AS SOON AS YOU GUYS LOCKED THE DOOR!"
Rolf decided to bark just to add to the conversation. Hawkeye shushed him, avoiding to make eye contact with Roy.
Roy once again felt his stomach twist sharply. He was only now realising how much he had just lost. He didn't have any memories of any childhood injuries. No skimmed knees or grazed palms. No sprains or bleeding noses or cracked nails.
No sitting on someone's lap when things had gone wrong.
He could only assume that he had. Logically, he would have done so many times.
...But Roy's first paper cut had now been acquired during a stupid arts and crafts project back when he had been fifteen.
He felt an odd sort of emptiness. Because all he knew now was that his behaviour and thoughts and moral compass were based on his memories of how he had acted for the past fourteen years.
...But not how he had actually learnt them originally.
It was just gone.
And soon his aunt would be so too. But he knew that she would come over here as soon as he called her afterwards to get to know her again and look at family albums. Because she was always going to be a bit soft on the inside. He remembered her being that sometimes for the past fourteen years.
...And Roy had often told her that 'you really don't have to treat me like a kid.'
But now he didn't remember what that had actually been like when he had still been one.
The first fifteen years of his life were just vague flashbacks of flashbacks.
And so Roy decided to just get this over and done with and he took the glass of blood from Al. "It's gonna be okay, Al, I swear," he said gently, though his voice was shaky with tears and frightened desperation.
"Dad, Big Brother said that he saw my body..." Al began as Roy dipped his index into the glass and leant forwards as he reached out for the previous rune. He wasn't entirely sure why he knew or how he did it, not really, but after having made a biological connection, even if minuscule, there was no doubt in his mind that this was how he had to do this. But his soul was also now connected to not just both of his sons, but to the bond between their souls. And so he just knew that the design would be drawn on top of the original one, Roy's own circle just a bit bigger than Fullmetal's, and with it overlapping in simple fashion. "Did you see my body too like he did because of the new connection?"
Roy nodded, his chest so tight that it was a wonder that he could even breathe, let alone so steadily, even if it was shaky. "Yes, I did. I met both you and both my version of Truth and the one belonging to Ed." His voice was soft. So soft and so calm and collected and he was so desperately in need of finding a way to reunite Al's body and soul, but on this side of the Portal. And so he drew a circle connected to all the corners of the small middle square. Because he simply knew that in order to transfer the connection to himself, he had to begin with the final part of the original rune. And that had been the symbol in the middle. "I had to take your hand. You see, in order to get a biological connection with your body, the cut on my finger needed to be in direct contact with your skin. And by my blood having made physical contact with your hand, I can draw up a new blood seal with my own blood."
"You held my hand?!" Al asked in shock. "What did it feel like?! What did my body say to you?! Brother said it only told him that it couldn't come with him because he wasn't my soul!"
"It was small and slightly cold with long nails and too little meat..." He drew a long, diagonal line up from the new circle and through one of the corners of the middle square, out to about an inch above where the final circle would be drawn, and he would do so with the other three corners too. "But it was still human. You lifted it up for me to grab, even... And so I told you a very brief description about what was going on and what my connection to you was, because he doesn't have any memories of anything after your soul was removed from it."
"What did my body say to that?!" Al was sounding both ecstatic and heartbroken. "Did it like you?!"
"It was surprised that you were worth so much to me, but then I told him that I think that you two are priceless..." Roy told him as he drew up another line from the next corner. "And then I told him the reason that I couldn't pay a large enough toll to bring your body back because you didn't want me to pay so much that you wouldn't have the dad that you want to hug once your soul and your body get reunited."
Another line, another violent jerk of his insides. He was so close to losing all his memories of his aunt. Which meant all his conversations with her. He would remember holding a sleeping Ed on his arm, but without remembering what he had told her at the time, nor her replies. After all, those conversations had never happened. Not really. All he would remember was his son and his thoughts at that moment, but any direct conversation would be gone.
It would all just be gone.
One alchemic reaction and then...
...Poof.
No more Aunt Chris.
"Was my body angry with us?" Al asked much more apprehensively.
"He told me something that makes me sure that you belong to him." A third line. "His response, word for word, was 'It sounds like I have something to look forwards to... So I'll just wait here for the day when we can be the family that you're working so hard for... Which is also why it's time for you to leave to go back to them.' And so, no, I don't think he's angry..." Roy sighed shakily, trying to act like he wasn't feeling a very uncomfortable sense of emptiness. Emptiness and insecurity. Almost as if he was fake because he had never had the first fifteen years of his life. Like he had suddenly been put together through stories instead.
He was beginning to understand how Fullmetal was feeling. About what it was like for both parts of his son's soul.
And why Ed's first question after he had met the Roy-thing had been if he was real.
Roy had now lost most of his childhood in order to have learnt how to save his sons, and he would be losing the one who had raised him in order to use that knowledge so that he could keep raising his boys.
And it was worth it, he was sure that it was. But it didn't change the fact that Roy no longer knew what being a child was like.
Just...
...Poof.
"That's really good, Dad..." Al said, sounding both relieved, sad, and almost like he was grieving as Roy drew up the fourth line. His aunt would disappear in a circle.
Just a simple circle.
Just...
...Poof.
Al decided to address the elephant in the room. "And you? How are you feeling, Dad?"
A shaky sound somewhere between a sigh and a weak laugh escaped him at his son's question as he dipped his finger into the blood once more. "I'll live, which was the entire point of this anyways. It's just gonna need some getting used to. I'll be fine... It's better that I lose what I'm doing, rather than losing the two of you. I'm not regretting what I did," he said quietly as he began drawing up the final circle. "And I think that my aunt will still agree with the decision that I made and that I am still making... Don't you think so too?" He was feeling a slight hint of uncertainty at his own words because he didn't know any more what her raising him had been like. Maybe he had missed some clues? She could have manipulated him into thinking that their relationship was actually different than what he had thought before he had given up on it... Maybe he had been blinded by what she had done during those first few years of his childhood before he had begun getting tough because he had become a teen? He had no way of telling, and that was what most parents did. They doted on them and hid things from them in order to leave them in blissful ignorance.
Like when they got divorces.
Was Roy basing his decision on nothing but a falsely perceived relationship with his aunt? One that had been blinded by childlike innocence? It would make sense... It would be logical.
But then he thought back to how she had acted around him after his childhood. How she had still supported him after Ishbal. About how she had told him once that she was proud that she had raised him to be a good man when he had taken in the Elrics like that. When he had decided to turn so much of his life on its head after such a short time, just for the sake of his boys.
...About how happy she was that he had given her brother and sister-in-law a pair of grandchildren to visit their graves when both her and Roy were gone.
"I do, Dad," Al said quietly, sounding like he would have been crying had he been physically able to do so.
His words were just what Roy needed at that moment to not delay things even more. The way that Al's body had looked as Roy had promised him that he would be back for him.
And so he found himself finishing the circle and putting the glass back down, knowing that he didn't need any additional symbols to the one that Fullmetal had made four years ago. Roy was taking over the connection, transferring it to himself.
Not dragging Al's soul back from the white void. Just a shift of the host that would sustain his boys from now on. Al wasn't being pulled out of anything. Just moved. The connection would only be moved.
Roy was beginning to realise that he was making it into a sort of mental mantra in order to not lose his nerve in case it would go wrong.
Because it wouldn't.
His payment to Truth had been a package deal in exchange for the one that learning how to shift the soul connection and then doing it.
It had all been equivalent exchange, and Truth had agreed. Roy had offered it more, but it had told him that it had been enough. And then it had done as Roy had originally told him, and had taken his last birthday before the year that he had started studying under Master Hawkeye in exchange for his time with Al's body and for letting him keep his jacket.
"Also, Al, I gave your body my uniform jacket so that the first thing that you'll do as my flesh and blood son is to feel the warm semi-stinginess of Resembool wool covered in my scent to see if you agree with Ed's assessment."
Then he clapped his hands together, feeling a slight hint of unnaturalness to the action. "And please tell my aunt that I love her while I still remember with certainty that I do, because I can't even remember ever having told her that before, and so she deserves to know that at least."
...And then Roy pressed his hands to the newly altered blood seal before Al could even reply.
He knew that it had worked at the way that he felt like he had been met by a brick wall of dizziness and an odd sense of coldness inside his mind at the same time. Roy fell sideways to the floor almost instantly, everything was just spinning and his pulse was thundering in his entire body as he lay there, gasping, everything prickling and tingling and like he was having an acute fever.
He curled in on himself, holding his hands over his head, squeezing his eyes shut. He heard voices yelling at him, hands on his arm and back, but his pulse was too loud for him to make out any of the words.
And he didn't know what he was supposed to do and only had a faint idea as to what this was, but he was feeling like hell.
Roy didn't even realise that he was downright sobbing in fear and torment until he noticed that someone was lifting him up in their arms and was carrying him into his bedroom. "A-Al?" he asked, gulping in the air that his sobs were partially robbing him of.
"It's going to be okay, Dad, Big Brother thinks he knows what's happening to you," Al said soothingly, his voice finally breaking through as Roy's booming pulse settled slightly. "He's going to explain and Riza's bringing you a glass of water and a cold facecloth to put on your forehead."
He didn't even know what to say, and just accepted it as Al placed him on top of his bed and pulled his trousers off of him along with his shirt, and then tucked him in under his duvet. Roy sobbed uncontrollably for the entire time, and had more than enough trouble just with trying to breathe properly.
"Your body has just been told that it's suddenly got a lot less energy, sustenance, and sleep too, all at once, and so you're feeling like shit and you're grieving your aunt and your childhood to boot," came a familiar voice of Fullmetal in his son's body from the other side of the bed in front of him. "So just take it easy and it should pass in an hour or so, so I suggest you take a nap if you can until your body finds out what's what and that it's gonna be a lot more steadily process because you're not the one and the same person. You've just made your entire body, mind and soul included, go into high alert and in need of learning how things work, and not to mention it being right after you had all the secrets of the universe stuffed inside your head. But you're already getting better, if you ask me, considering the way that you can hear me..."
Roy just nodded weakly, even if he was still sobbing without being able to stop it.
Fullmetal was probably right, because he had just seriously messed with his own head in a way that meant that he had just stripped himself of everything of childhood comforting he had ever received.
And it left him alone and scared and he couldn't escape it. Everything was hurting and he just couldn't do anything in order to stop it.
He hadn't thought that it would have such an impact on him. He had expected what it would have been like with his childhood, and it had pretty much had the same result.
But this?
This was agony. Because now he knew that he had no one to lean on to make this feel better.
...He had never had an adult comfort him. He couldn't remember what it had felt like. He couldn't remember and so he didn't have anything to lean on of self-comforting techniques because he wasn't able to know what the original had been based on. He had never received a hug from a parent, contrary to what he had thought just a few hours ago. Loneliness and grief and terror and lack of any adults that had held him when things had been hurting was making everything explode inside his body. And the fact that he was now alone and his body was being like this and didn't have anyone like that to tell him that it would be all right only made it hurt so much more.
He was left in complete agony.
...No wonder it was worth the secrets of the universe and the lives of his sons.
What the hell have I done?!
"DADDY!" came a sudden scream of fright followed by a pair of small hands on his cheeks, golden eyes shining with terror above him at his five-year-old son's sudden re-emergence.
...Which meant that no matter how upsetting the situation was, Ed had instinctively needed to comfort his Daddy when Daddy couldn't do so himself.
The pain lessened slightly at the confirmation of his sacrifice being for this tiny child's continued existence.
With a healthy body.
His sons wouldn't die.
He wouldn't be losing them.
His fears that had built up all day were gone... Because he had been afraid that Fullmetal coming back had meant that his body had been about to give out. After all, it hadn't been able to even keep his soul stable. He could have died as soon as tomorrow through getting too excited by playing with his friend, or having another round of too strong fear by walking through the hotel.
He could even have died in the middle of the night because of a too strong nightmare.
Roy could have found himself having lost both his kids by the time he woke up tomorrow.
And then he felt Al's hand on his shoulder. "I'll tell him for you, Dad... You just hug him and leave telling him to me."
And so Roy did, Ed instinctively climbing in under the duvet together with Roy, kissing his cheek and pressing himself into Roy's chest.
Roy just hugged him tightly to him, trying to keep his sobs at bay and partially failing as Al began explaining.
At the end, Ed was the one sobbing into his chest, and Roy just sighed shakily, feeling a bit better with a cold facecloth and a mug of water and the comfort of his sons and having to be there to comfort them. And so he looked up at Al after kissing the top of Ed's head. "I-it's like I told you boys earlier this morning... I love you really, really, really much..."
Then he broke down into tears again, not able to stop it as he pressed his face into Ed's hair in an attempt at stifling his sobs.
He didn't even notice the person that had walked inside the room and was sitting themselves down on the edge of the bed, placing themselves in the space made from his curled legs and his turned back. He felt a hand beginning to rub circles into his back, and he was expecting it to be Riza.
But then a stranger spoke up instead in a voice that hinted strongly at decades of smoking. "Riza explained what you did, Roy... I'll be honest, kid, I can't really tell if it was brilliance or stupidity." Then they sighed heavily and placed their hand on his shoulder, squeezing it slightly. "But either way, you look like you could use a hug and for me to help you blow your nose, just like in the old days."
And so we have some very confused homunculi to look forwards to!
echznmay: Thank you! I hope that you'll continue enjoying the story and I can promise you cuteness in the next chapter :)
CallMeWaffle: 'Sprinkles of happiness in between the drama' seems to be an unofficial slogan for a large part of my stories XD Thank you!
AnniexLove: Ticklemonster Junior will most likely have to return quite a few times for the next chapters because Roy will definitely need it. Thank you for your review!
And thank you so much to all you other followers, favouriters and readers in general!