December 5, 2015
Arnold's Basement
3:20 P.M.
Stepping into the warmth of the Perlstein residence, Keesha breathed a sigh of relief. The weather in Walkerville had grown bitterly cold over the course of the past week, leaving the residents of the small town with bright red cheeks and painfully numb fingers. Between the chill in the air and around the lunch table over the past week, Keesha would have been more than content to spend the weekend huddled under her warmest blanket at home, perhaps re-reading the most recently assigned chapter of Things Fall Apart or flipping through the TV channels with disinterest. The text she'd received that morning was impossible to resist though, and with nothing better to do anyway, Keesha found herself trudged through the cold winds in the direction of the gang's most frequent hang-out.
Keesha followed the familiar route through the house, the chill in her bones gradually subsiding as she stepped down the wooden steps to the basement. Downstairs, she found that she wasn't the only person to have received an intriguing message that day.
"Okay, I don't see Ashton Kutcher anywhere. What gives?"
"Ashton Kutcher?" Keesha stepped beside her confused boyfriend, a grin tugging at her lips. "You thought Ashton Kutcher would be here?"
"Well, I assumed Mila would be bringing him, yeah." Ralphie tapped on his chin, lost in thought. "I wonder if something came up…"
A new realization dawning, DA groaned and smacked her forehead. "You guys didn't come here for a study session, did you?"
An uncomfortable pit settled in Keesha's stomach. "No… And I'm guessing that means-"
"That's right, turds and nerds, it twas' I that called you here!" Wanda stepped out from the shadows on the far side of the room, doing her best to appear mysterious to little avail.
Keesha rolled her eyes at the display. "I was specifically promised that you wouldn't be here today."
"I lied! And you all fell for it like the suckers you are!" Sensing that her friends were ready to turn around and leave, Wanda desperately dropped her foreboding act. "Look, I just needed to get you all here together. I knew no one would come if I told the truth, so… I lied. Am I proud of it? A little. But it's not like I had any other choice!"
Keesha crossed her arms. "Why did you want us here so badly?"
"And why are you inviting people to my basement? You know I hate it when you do that!"
"Obviously, this past week has kinda sucked," Wanda explained, pacing before her crowd of spectators. "I'm getting that there's a lot of tension about the whole 'to-apply-or-not-to-apply' thing, and that's great and all, but…" She trailed off.
"But?"
Reluctantly, Wanda finished her thought. "But I miss you guys, okay? And it's the holiday season and everything – our last holiday season, maybe ever! And… Its dumb that we're fighting. So, I came up with a plan!"
Arnold raised a brow. "In my basement?"
"Yeah, duh." Wanda cleared her throat. "Ladies and gentlemen, may I present: Wanda-kuh!"
"Oh, dear god."
With a glare at Keesha, Wanda continued. "See, I figured that we always celebrate Christmas, but we've got a real live Jewish guy here! Let's be inclusive, right?"
Carlos frowned. "Do you know anything about Hannukah?"
"Do you know anything about shutting up?" To her satisfaction, Carlos said nothing more on the matter, allowing Wanda to get back to the matter at hand. "That does remind me, though. Arnold, would you be offended if I make a total mess of Hannukah?"
"I don't speak for every Jewish person, Wanda," Arnold reminded with a tired sigh. "But, if you genuinely do your best to understand and respect the tradition, then its fine."
Wanda pressed her lips together and grew quiet for a few seconds. "Say I give a 75, 80% effort?"
"That's acceptable."
"In that case… Welcome to Wanda-kah!"
December 5, 2015
Arnold's Basement
3:27 P.M.
"This is 80% effort?" Tim remarked, watching as Wanda fiddled with the amalgamation of Play-Doh and unicorn birthday candles balanced on the coffee table before her.
"This was a short notice plan!" Wanda defended sternly. "I didn't exactly have a menorah lying around, okay?"
Arnold suppressed the smile crossing his face, hiding his amusement with Wanda's intense concentration on the handmade menorah. "I could lend you ours, you know."
Wanda shot him a knowing look. "Your mom doesn't really want your idiot friends playing with that fancy-ass candle holder, does she?"
"…Fair enough."
Once she was sure that the candles were stable, Wanda dug a cheap light out of her pocket and lit the remaining candle in her hand. "Okay, so we're not doing this over 8 days because seriously, who has time for that? So, I'm just going to light these all now, as is the Wanda-kah way…"
"I'm not sure-"
Before Arnold could finish his thought, Wanda began lighting the first of the candles, solemnly reciting "Baruch atah, Adonai Eloheinu, Melech haolam, asher kid'shanu b'mitzvotav v'tsivanu l'hadlik ner shel Wanda-kah."
Tim leaned over to Arnold. "Is that actual Hebrew?"
"Uh… Yeah, actually. She's not half bad."
Without looking away from her work, Wanda continued speaking softly. "Baruch atah, Adonai Eloheinu, Melech haolam, she-asah nisim la'avoteinu bayamim hahem bazman hazeh."
"You've got to admire her dedication," Phoebe murmured in agreement, and the boys nodded along.
"Baruch atah adonai elohenu melech ha'olam, shehecheyanu, v'kiyimanu, v'higiyanu lazman hazeh." As she finished the third and final blessing, Wanda lit the final few candles on her menorah, taking care not to rush the task. Once all eight candles were burning, Wanda fished a sheet of paper out of her pocket and skimmed over it. "Okay, so the menorah is a-check… Oh, shit, gifts!"
Ralphie perked up at the mention of gifts. "Do we get something?"
Wanda cursed herself for the missed step. "Yeah, I was going to hand one out after each candle. Oh well… Better late than never, that's the Wanda-kah way!" Wanda pulled a Ziploc bag full of M&M's from her opposite pocket and distributed eight to each of her friends.
Keesha eyes the small pile of chocolate in her hand. "How generous…"
"I wasn't going to buy you all eight real presents, geez. I know it's the season of giving and all, but I'm on a budget."
"It's a lovely gesture," Phoebe assured with a warm smile. She went to put one of the M&M's in her mouth only to have it swatted away by Wanda.
"These are from, like, 3 Halloween's ago," she explained quickly. "I wouldn't recommend actually eating them."
"Oh…" Gingerly, Phoebe put the candy back on the table, the rest of the group following suit.
Noting the lull, Wanda checked her list once more. "According to WikiHow, the next thing is… Oh, dreidel!"
"Now you're talking!" Carlos cracked his knuckles, preparing himself for the upcoming game. "Not to brag or anything, but I got super good at dreidel last year."
"How is that not a brag?" DA remarked, and Carlos stuck his tongue out in response.
Wanda, meanwhile, was digging through her bag and she explained the game. "So, full disclosure, this might not be the dreidel game that you're used to, Arn…"
Arnold grimaced at the comment. "Dare I ask why not?"
"Well, I didn't have a dreidel either… But- A-ha!" Triumphantly, Wanda pulled her hand out of her bag and proudly held up a small, colorful top. "I figured we can just spin this!"
Wanda placed the top in the middle of the table and spun it as quickly as she could. After thirty seconds of lopsided spinning, the top fell to its side and rolled away. Arnold cocked his head. "Okay… What did you land on?"
"Land on?"
"For the game?" Arnold frowned. "When the dreidel stops spinning, it's supposed to show a symbol that tells you what action to take. That's how the game works."
Wanda stared blankly at her friend. "Huh… See, I thought I was just spinning a thing."
"No, Wanda."
"Oh." Wanda quietly snatched the top off of the table and dropped in back in her bag. "I'm sure we can agree that I would have won anyway."
"No, Wanda."
"Oh."
December 5, 2015
Street
4:22 P.M.
After commanding her friends to bundle up in their jackets and hats once again, Wanda led the group out the door, a determined expression on her face. As she marched, she glanced over her shoulder and spoke to the shivering, straight-faced figures behind. "Admittedly, the whole '8-days-of-gifts' and the 'spin-the-dreidel' thingy didn't work out exactly as planned."
"You think?" Keesha murmured, cursing the cold once again.
But Wanda remained undeterred by her friend's pessimism. "We can still make Wanda-kah a success, guys! WikiHow isn't out of ideas yet, and neither are we!"
Frigid, Carlos stuck his hands firmly inside of his pockets. "I didn't realize freezing your butt off was a classic Hannukah tradition, but who am I to argue with one true holy text: WikiHow?"
"What are we doing out here, Wanda?" Arnold pushed, equally unhappy about the change in scenery. The holidays with his parents never involved treks out into the cold winter air; what on earth did Wanda have planned for him now?
Wanda turned the corner, and the friends now stood near the center of town. "According to my trusted sources-"
"WikiHow."
"-Trusted sources," Wanda reaffirmed fiercely, "we're supposed to give to charity. And I need a few things from the store, so I figured we could just kill two birds with one stone."
DA grimaced. "I hope you're not being literal this time, Wanda."
To everyone's relief, Wanda had no intention of mauling any birds tonight – though it wouldn't have been the first time, nor certainly the last. Instead, the girl strutted calmy towards the grocery store where a man in a red Santa hat rang a bell, calling for donations. Without a second thought, Wanda grabbed a few forgotten pennies from her jacket pocket and dropped them into the man's large metal bucket. She smiled back towards her companions. "Charity, done!"
"Offering money to Santa – really?" Keesha shook her head as Wanda merely shrugged. Clearly, she didn't see the irony about the scenario.
"You guys should do the same," Wanda ordered. "I need to buy some holiday food, then we can feast!"
Arnold glanced towards the grocery store, a sceptical expression locked on his face. "Maybe I should go in with you?" He offered helpfully. While he knew Wanda was well-intentioned, he had a feeling the girl was probably not well-versed in the traditional holiday fare.
But as always, once Wanda had an idea in her head, little could be done to sway her mind. "I'm treating you guys to a holiday extravaganza – you're supposed to relax! Now: donate!"
Wanda rushed inside the store, much to the chagrin of her shivering friends. Tim smirked in Arnold's direction. "How does Wanda-kah compare to the real thing?"
Arnold sighed. "Well… She's trying." Tiredly, he slumped against the building's brick wall. "It just… Feels a bit forced, maybe?"
"I'm not in a celebrating mood," Keesha agreed, crossing her arms. "Between school and college applications, I'm so exhausted; the last thing I want to do is whatever-the-hell Wanda-kah is supposed to be."
"Her heart's in the right place," Phoebe defended weakly, though her tone, as tired as the rest, betrayed her argument.
"Sure. But you can't force the holiday spirit. Certainly not with these dangerously-expired M&M's and a miniscule donation to the Salvation Army." The group grew quiet, mulling over Keesha's words as they awaited Wanda's eventual return.
Despite their reluctance, no one seemed willing to disturb Wanda's cheer when the girl eventually did return, a plastic bag in each hand and a wide smile on her face. So, the eight retreated back to Arnold's house for the remainder of their celebration, unsure what festivities the rest of the evening might hold.
December 5, 2015
Perlstein House
4:47 P.M.
"The supermarket didn't have the exact ingredients I was looking for," Wanda warned as she set eight dishes around the dining room table. "I mean, definitely not at any price I could afford. But I think we can make this feast work anyway. Looks good, right?"
Unsurely, Tim poked at the food on his plate, struggling to make a meal out of the random assortment of ingredients. "This is… String cheese?" He picked up the rubbery stick of cheese from the plate.
Wanda nodded. "Yup! I guess dairy is like, a big deal? And the string cheese came in packs of eight. Talk about meant to be!"
Arnold nodded slowly. "Okay… I can understand that. I even understand the apple sauce, though Mott's isn't usually our first choice. But the bread?"
"Wonder bread! Full of wonder!" Arnold remained quiet, prompting Wanda to sigh and drop her shoulders. "I know it's not that fancy braided stuff, but again – I'm short on resources here."
"Sure, sure. You're right." Arnold apologized. "Thanks for this feast, Wanda, it's very generous."
Wanda, to his shock, seemed unsatisfied with the response. She picked at the bread on her plat before looking up towards him once more. "It's not the best feast, huh?"
"Well, I like it!" Ralphie chimed in, taking a large bite out of his slice of bread. "I bet it'd be a great meal to eat mindlessly in front of the TV or something."
Wanda considered the proposal. "You just might be onto something, Tenelli," she mused, picking up her plate. "Follow me!"
Wanda raced down the stairs to the basement once more, the others again in her wake. At the bottom of the stairs, Wanda froze, wide-eyed. "Woah, Arnold, check it out – the candles are still lit. That's a good sign, right?"
Arnold furrowed his brow at the scene. "It might be, if that sofa weren't also on fire. Did you blow out the candles before we left?"
"I think the answer to that is pretty obvious, Arn."
"Touche."
Wanda sighed. "Man, Wanda-kah really sucks, huh? I, uh…" Wanda put her plate down on a side table, her eyes staying glued to the ground. "Sorry, I thought this would go better, but… Yeah, sorry. I should go. And, uh… I'll call the fire department on the way out."
Wanda quickly retreated back up the stairs, leaving the other seven friends to consider the scene they just observed.
December 6, 2015
Wanda's Bedroom
10:43 A.M.
After returning home the previous night, Wanda had been quick to lock herself in her bedroom and turn her phone off. Fortunately, Arnold hadn't seemed too angry about the sofa that her menorah happened to destroy, so she wasn't too concerned about the damage; what really upset her was the undeniable disaster that Wanda-kah had been.
The past week, her friends had been acting so tense and on edge; all Wanda had wanted to do was lighten their spirits. She wasn't a fool, though, and she knew that the afternoon hadn't done much to cheer anyone up. And while she wasn't unfamiliar with the feeling of her plans falling through, it hurt knowing how much had been resting on her party. Her friends were growing up – and growing apart, soon enough. This was the groups last chance to celebrate the holidays as a group, and it was a total nightmare. Would they even want to celebrate together in the future? Once it was no longer convenient, and no longer easy, would they go to the effort to see one another knowing what a failure this year had been? In a way, Wanda felt like she had let her friends down.
Wanda slept in as late as she could Sunday morning, appreciating the rare opportunity to be as lazy as she wanted. Once her eyes flicked open, though, she knew she couldn't avoid the inevitable forever. Her life was on her phone; she'd have to turn it back on eventually. And as soon as she did, she'd be forced to confront her fears and loneliness head-on.
She worked up the strength to reach across her bedside table and lift the phone from the corner, just where she'd discarded it the previous afternoon. The device powered back on quickly, with a familiar vibration that somewhat soothed her stressed mind. The black screen flickered to life, and a tone rang out from the speaker: she had a notification.
With only a moment of hesitation, Wanda checked the notification – an unread text from an hour earlier. Sender unknown. With a frown, she opened the message and read the brief message:
Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis in basement – get here ASAP.
December 6, 2015
Arnold's Basement
11:13 A.M.
"She's not coming," Keesha argued from the sole remaining couch. "Only Ralphie would fall for that dumb lie."
The basement door slammed shut. "Not true, I fall for every dumb lie!"
The group turned to see Wanda climbing down the stairs, a silly grin on her face. Phoebe ran over to the girl and wrapped her arms around her enthusiastically. "We're so happy to see you! You left so quickly yesterday, we weren't sure if you'd come back."
"Hey, if there's a chance to chill with That 70's Show, you know I'm in!" Wanda stepped away from Phoebe and glanced around the basement. "They're not here, are they?"
Keesha smirked. "Obviously not. Just us, I'm afraid."
"Boo."
Arnold walked up to Wanda and rest a hand on her shoulder. "After you left yesterday, we got to talking. You put so much effort into Wanda-kah-"
"As much as an 80% effort," she reminded.
Arnold laughed. "Right. And we weren't as grateful as we should have been. I mean, you did set my couch on fire-"
"But," DA cut in, knowing Arnold wasn't likely to get over the couch issue so easily, "You had the right idea. We all got so hung up on our own college drama that we let ourselves waste this week wallowing. The truth is, we really don't have that many weeks left in high school. And as much as we say that we'll stay friends – and we will, because of course we will – once we graduate, things are going to change. Like, forever. So, we can't waste our last year on petty fighting; we have to decide that, no matter what, we can still get together every holiday, and every weekend, and every spare moment we have, and enjoy every bit of it, regardless of what stupid thing we're fighting about. No drama is worth missing out on my last few months with my best friends."
Wanda could see from her friend's faces that the sentiment was shared. Relieved, she looked over to Arnold. "So… In a way, Wanda-kah was a success?"
Arnold immediately shook his head. "No, Wanda, you really don't understand anything about Judaism. And you know how I feel about you and fire!"
"Fine, fine, so Wanda-kah's a bust. So, why are we here?"
The other's exchanged mischievous glances before Keesha responded. "You put so much effort into organizing a makeshift Hannukah," she explained with joy, "We thought it would only be fair if we returned the favor. We're throwing a Christmas party – right here, right now."
Wanda grinned at the suggestion. "And, since I did all that work yesterday, I don't have to help, right?"
"You don't have to," Ralphie agreed warmly. "Although, I could really use some help turning this into a Christmas tree," he continued, lifting a large branch that he'd collected from the Perlstein's back yard.
"I might have a few ideas…"
Arnold glared at the pair. "No fire," he warned firmly.
Wanda sighed. "Okay, I have no ideas. But I guess it could be fun."
As the others went about preparing their own Christmas décor, Tim walked up to Arnold. "Are you cool with us throwing a Christmas party in your basement on the first day of Hannukah, dude?"
Arnold shrugged. "If yesterday was anything to go by, it's not going to be much of a Christmas party, so sure. Although my parents probably won't feel the same way, so we really do need to be done by sunset."
Keesha rolled her eyes. "Oh, good, we have to rush. That's bound to make this party even better."
When all was said and done, the group's last-minute Christmas party was hardly anything to write home about. Ralphie's sad branch was a bit livelier covered in confetti, with flashlights hanging from twigs in the stead of string lights and peppermints glued on to make up for the lack of ornaments or candy canes. With no wreath, Phoebe and Keesha managed to fashion a decoration of sorts from an old hat of Arnold's, leaves and pine cones from the yard, and a significant amount of hot glue. While DA and Ralphie didn't have much luck in baking fresh cookies for the celebration, an open pack of Chip's Ahoy and a cannister of soy milk served as a worthy snack of sorts. And though there were no Christmas movies in the Perlstein house, Tim had little trouble pirating Olive the Other Reindeer off the internet, albeit it proved to be a low-quality, shaky version of the film.
But despite the flaws, the group had one of their best Christmas's to date. Perhaps that was just the magic of Wanda-kah. Or maybe the poor quality of the event simply added to charm. Either way, when everyone walked home at the end of the day, admiring the colorful sky above as the sun dipped below the horizon, there was little doubt – they would certainly be doing this again next year, and every year for as long as they could.
And there was little doubt that Wanda-kah was a massive, underwhelming flop that would never be repeated ever again.