Chapter 63: Heartbreak and Endings

Addison climbed the steps heaving a chart under her arm when she caught the sight of Derek Shepherd's hair moving fast at the top of the stairs. She frowned; if Derek's hair was at the hospital, it meant the rest of Derek Shepherd also had to be at the hospital. Only why? He was supposed to be enjoying a birthday sex marathon at this very hour.

Addie quickly jumped the remaining steps to indeed meet Derek and Mark over the vending machine.

"Derek, what are you doing here?"

He turned to her with a chuckle, "Uhm, buying water?"

"No, I mean, what are you doing at the hospital?" she inquired insistently.

He exchanged a confused look with Mark. "Working?"

"Where's Meredith?" she asked relentlessly, ignoring her misgivings.

"She should be in her office; I haven't seen her since this morning. Why?" it was Derek's turn to frown.

"Nope, she's not in her office," commented Mark leaning against the railing.

They all looked down at the lobby to see Meredith walking with a huge bouquet of flowers in the crook of her arm. She was apparently fast in conversation with a man that was accompanying her.

"Someone's stealing your woman, Shep," whistled Mark earning a smack on the head from Addison.

"It's that rich brat, that vet guy," muttered Derek under his breath, his hand tightly squashing the bottle of water. "What the hell is she doing with him?"

"They certainly look cozy," went on Mark ducking to avoid another of his girlfriend's shoves. But even Addison had to agree on the truth of his words, her and apparently everyone else in the lobby. Heads were turning towards the Chief and the man that was in such close quarters with her.

One of their pagers went off. "Damn it," spat Derek. "It's 911, and I have another craniotomy tonight…"

"Go, Derek. I'm sure they just have to talk business," said Addison soothingly. "I'll catch up with Meredith and tell her to call you."

"What does your friend think she's doing?" growled Mark after Derek ran off. "The two of them look like they mean business indeed."

"I don't understand it," shrugged Addison.

"It's Derek's birthday and Grey's not playing nice," he grumbled.

Addie jogged down the stairs and caught Meredith when she was already near the exit.

"Meredith! Mr. Dandridge," she acknowledged his presence reluctantly and lowered her voice. "Where are you going? Why aren't you-"

"Finn's taking me to dinner," Meredith cut in halfway through the sentence.

"Wha- What's happened to your plans?" Addison tossed her hands to her sides.

"I changed them," shrugged Meredith.

"What about Sonoma? What about Derek's birthday?"

"I've already told you I changed my plans, now if you excuse us-"

"Mer!" Addie caught the sleeve of her coat. "If it's about that stupid dream, you're exaggerating, grossly!"

"It's not about the dream," Meredith was getting impatient. "We're in a hurry, Addie."

"Do you have any idea how it looks like?" asked Addison disbelievingly, studying her friend's face. What happened with her sister during the last few hours since they talked for the last time? She had been happy and excited and now she was cold.

"I don't care," snorted Meredith.

"Well, maybe you should because everyone else does and assumes you're screwing behind Derek's back… or into his face really. He's seen you too!"

"He did?" laughed Meredith. "I'm sorry, Addie. Our table's waiting."

She wrenched her hand from Addie's loosened grasp and nodded at Finn to go on. She didn't intend to give Addison a chance to talk her into some tearful conversation, heartbreaking explanations and all that crap. She was taking back the control over her life and nothing would stop her.

Halfway through dinner she wasn't so sure of that. If she could explain her condition in more medical terms, she'd say that the posttraumatic shock lessened a little, exacerbating the pain. Only this morning, she was with Derek, in his arms where she felt so safe. Now she was with Finn, who didn't even qualify as a substitute. He was sweet and caring but her heart ached more and more for Derek. And the stinging thought that it was the end of MerDer was just starting to sink in.

She plucked up the courage to look at Finn and said apologetically, "You know, maybe the dinner wasn't such a good idea, I don't tend to have a lot of them lately… My point is that I called you to help but… instead I put both of us in an uncomfortable position and… it feels like I'm using you-"

"Hey," he interrupted her. "Let's just eat okay? You're obviously having a hard time but for now you can forget about it all."

"I think I've been forgetting about everything for the past eight months," Meredith laughed bitterly. "About my issues, about my social unfitness, about the pain… But you can't forget about it. It comes crashing down with a tenfold force. And in answer to your question you're too gentle to ask, yes. It is about Derek Shepherd."

"I figured as much, both from your call and your conversation with your friend," he nodded with a sigh. "And I'm sorry."

"You were right," she shrugged.

"Looking at the pain in your eyes I wish I had been wrong." Finn shook his head. "Are you sure I'm not?"

"I saw him kissing another woman," she stated bluntly. "What does that tell you?"

"That he's a damn fool," he replied strongly.

"I'm sorry, Finn," she said sincerely. "I really shouldn't have dragged you down here."

"Meredith, I told you I'd be there for you," he assured her.

"I know and I appreciate that," she sighed. "But... I'll be frank with you. I exhausted my limits of trust. I… I don't see myself trusting another man in the near future, possibly ever."

"You trust me enough to talk to me," he smiled slightly. "And that's enough for me. I'm not a man you'd see yourself in a relationship with, I've come to terms with that. We still can be friends. Admit it, we talk good."

"We do," she confirmed thoughtfully. "That's because you're not from the hospital and I'm not from your company."

"You see?" smiled slightly Finn.

Meredith sighed, her eyes returning to her food which she had absolutely no appetite to eat. However, she couldn't wallow in self-pity or play a melodramatic heartbroken lover. It didn't suit her. No man defined who she was, and she was Meredith Grey, the chief of surgery. She had to eat, go to work, take care of herself as though nothing had happened, once again in her life. She needed to get over from falling into yet another pitfall in her life. But that of course didn't stand in contradiction with stabbing her steak viciously, imagining it was Gretchen's face.

Thinking was clearly not a thing she could boast of today. As soon as she got out of Finn's car, she realized Addison was probably waiting for her impatiently to demand explanations for her sudden irrational behavior. Derek might be there too, pretending to be an innocent lamb. Surely, once she went through the door, he was right there with annoyance clearly written on his face.

"Where have you been?" he asked possessively.

Meredith rolled her eyes. The man got nerve! He was kissing and doing God knows what else with Gretchen Miles behind her back and he had the audacity to play jealous when she didn't as much as hold Finn's hand.

"That's none of your business," she answered icily taking off her coat. When she turned her head, she spotted Mark and Addison watching from the kitchen. Great, she had a full house tonight.

"Meredith, can you please tell me what is going on?" he demanded impatiently.

Without a word, Meredith grabbed one of the boxes Addison brought home to pack her stuff in and hurried upstairs.

Derek exchanged unknowing looks with Mark and Addison who stood rigidly in the kitchen and followed her straight to her bedroom. His impatience vanished, however, replaced with cold fear as he realized what she was doing.

Meredith yanked wide open the closet and the drawers and was stuffing his clothes haphazardly into the box.

"Meredith, Meredith! What are you doing?" he asked feverishly, all blood draining from his face leaving it deathly pale.

"What does it look like I'm doing?" she snorted and disappeared into the bathroom. He didn't have to look to know what for. He heard the clicking of his cosmetics being thrown carelessly along with his clothes. Meredith glanced around careful not to overlook anything; she scooped together all his hair products, electric shaver and his aftershave… It suddenly felt so empty… She brushed off the feeling that was creeping up her heart. She wouldn't miss something that was a lie from the start.

Why did he play with her so cruelly? The answer was simple, she took his dream job. He felt humiliated, he wanted to pay back. What other way to do it was better than seducing her and then two-timing her? Plus, he got to fuck her any time he wished.

She returned to her room to find him leaning against the doorframe, his breathing shallow. He was a good actor but apparently, he didn't realize how good of an actress she was.

"Meredith," he began again. "Please, can we sit down and talk? I don't know what's going on."

"I think I couldn't be any clearer as to what is going on," she replied finally and walked past him to the stairs.

He once again followed her through the house and his heart clenched painfully in his chest. She carried his things outside and held the door open for him, gesturing for him to leave the house.

"No way," he muttered out of breath. "You're not doing this, Meredith."

"You are in no position to tell me what to do or not to do," she went on. "Oh and give me back my key before you see yourself out."

"No!" he protested forcefully. "No, do you hear me? No!"

"I'd be really grateful if you left my house without making unnecessary commotion, Dr. Shepherd," she sighed indifferently.

"What?" he started at her in shock, dread rising in the pit of his stomach. "What, are you… breaking up with me?" he cringed uttering the last words. "I don't understand any of this."

"You don't?" she snorted. "I think the reason's obvious, but I can put in the words for you. I'm finally putting my foot down."

"On what?" he breathed out.

"Our little arrangement," she went on smoothly. "I let swell it out of proportion something that was to be only about sex. It became uncomfortable to me, so it's time to end it." She was not going to give him the real reason, she would not be the humiliated one.

"Mer, I think we've established it a long time ago that's not only about sex," said Derek with panic in his voice.

"Right now, I can agree, it's not about sex anymore. It's not about anything because it no longer exists. You- we broke the conditions of our deal. First, it was supposed to stay under the rag. Second, we were to keep it light. I've been making exceptions to humor you because I really enjoyed the sex. You were a good fuck but… all good things come to an end. I've got bored; I hate stagnation, which is why I'm asking you to give me back my key and leave my house."

"No, I won't let you do this. We need to talk…"

"Meredith, what the hell are you doing?" asked Addison. She and Mark were listening to every word from the kitchen.

"I explained everything profusely just a minute ago," laughed Meredith harshly. "The key, Dr. Shepherd!"

"No!" he refused to take part in whatever she was getting at. He couldn't comprehend why she was acting with the same cold indifference she presented while throwing him out of the house after their first night together. What an irony, they really made a full circle today, starting with the sex on the counter and ending with her telling him to leave again.

"Give me back the keys!" she repeated gritting her teeth.

"I don't think so," he folded his arms on his chest and stood fixedly, as though challenging her to make him listen to her orders.

"I'm not joking, I'm not asking," she informed him and stepped over towards the phone. "I'm telling you because it's my house where you're no longer welcome."

"I'm not going to set my foot outside until we talk," he insisted.

"We've already talked. Now I'm telling you to leave me the hell alone!"

"Not going to," he shook his head. "And you can't make me!" he knew he was being completely unreasonable, just as her.

"Maybe I can't," she admitted, "but the cops I'm about to call sure can."

"Right," he snorted.

"Right," she nodded and took the phone into her hands. "I'm giving you five seconds."

Seeing he was going to stand his ground, she dialed the number and waited.

"Mark," Addison pleaded her boyfriend with her eyes.

"Derek," he gripped his arm and pulled him towards the door. "You won't achieve anything by this."

"I'm not going anywhere," Derek shook his head stubbornly. He feared that if he was going to leave her house tonight, she might never let him in again.

"Derek, she's really calling the cops, she's not joking," argued quietly Mark. "You'll have the time to talk when all the fever dies down."

"You don't want to spend the night in jail, trust me," muttered Mark and pushed him firmly towards the door.

"I don't care!" spat Derek.

"But I do," answered Mark and shoved him out closing the door behind them just as Meredith started to talk on the phone.

Addie wrenched the receiver from her hand. "Have you lost your mind?" she asked angrily. "Do you have any idea how much you've just hurt him?"

"No, I don't," Meredith shrugged off past Addison who was shaking her head disapprovingly. "And you're not my mother! Stop judging me!"

She stormed up the stairs and threw herself on the bed but didn't cry, not a single tear. Right now, the all-pervading emotion was blind rage, at Derek, at Gretchen, at everyone else that ever hurt her in her life. She clenched her teeth, closed her eyes and tried to breathe evenly. She would get through this.

"Tell me I'm dreaming," pleaded Derek weakly sitting in the passenger seat of Mark's car and staring into the dark space ahead. "Tell me it's just a sick dream."

Mark threw a worried glance at his best friend. In just half an hour he became a wreck of a man. He never saw Derek in a worst condition, not when he was passed over by Richard, not even when his father died. That was why Mark was driving him to his own apartment instead of the trailer in the woods.

"I just… I don't understand," sighed Derek. "Why did she say those things to me?"

"Women are not understandable in general," stated Mark noncommittally. "That's how they work. They say one thing and do another…"

"Mark, please, turn back. I… I need to talk to her," Derek rubbed his face violently as though still wishing to wake up from this nightmare.

Mark shook his head. "Derek, you've already tried to talk to her. She didn't listen. She'll really send the cops at you if you show up on her doorstep tonight. That's the one thing you can be sure about right now."

"I love her…" panted Derek, his voice cracking.

"I know, man," sighed Mark.

"God, she threw me out on the street," Derek went on masochistically. "She's afraid… She must be… Did you tell anyone about the ring?"

"No!" assured him Mark. "I swear, if she knows about it, it's not from me. But… I don't know. If she freaked out about the marriage thing, wouldn't she… wouldn't she just tell you that she won't marry your sorry ass or something?"

"What… where are you headed?" stammered Derek.

"Look, man…" began Mark heavily. "What if she… was honest?"

"Honest?"

"What if she was telling the truth?" probed Mark.

"About what?" Derek asked shrilly making Mark wince.

"You know, that she wanted to end the things, that… eh…"

"That it was just a good fuck, but now she's bored?" laughed harshly Derek.

"Yeah, something about those lines…"

"I don't believe it! I'm not going to believe it!" Derek refused even to consider the possibility. "It's bullshit, she's lying!"

"Derek, maybe you should-"

"I said no! We made love this morning and I can assure you she wasn't bored!" snorted Derek.

"Then she must be a good actress," commented Mark. "She either lied to you this morning or this evening. Take your pick."

Derek didn't answer, a lump growing in his throat preventing him. He had no idea what went wrong on this day. It started so well, he woke up in Meredith's arms, he went fishing, he made love to her, he got the perfect ring… and now, now it seemed he might never have the occasion to give it to her, let alone hold her again.