Chapter 63.

A long time after Jules had gone to bed, Sarah went upstairs herself. The light was on in what she still thought of as Castiel's bedroom, so she knocked.

"Come in." said Jules.

Opening the door, Sarah saw that Jules was crying. The little CD player was playing Total Eclipse Of The Heart. Jules switched it off. "I'm sorry." she said, "Was the music too loud?"

"I didn't hear it at all until I came in." said Sarah, "Can I get you anything?" She saw the phone in Jules's hand. "Still no reply?"

"No, nothing. He read it, but he won't answer."

"If the music was helping, turn it back on, as loud as you like."

"It really wasn't." said Jules, "I hate this."

Sarah sat on the bed beside her. "I know, my dear. I do too. It's like that place has him already. You're both so unhappy. You both deserve better than this."

"I knew it wasn't going to be a conventional relationship. I knew we'd never have kids or get married or walk a dog together. We'd hunt demons and make weird little flashg-bangs of Enochian ju-ju and instead of a sex life, we'd sing badly in my Jeep and watch the bees on the flowers. And I knew it would end bloody. Everything does for a hunter and that goes double for an angel. I just didn't think it would end now like this. I didn't think love would die before either of us did."

"Love hasn't died."

"Hope, then. I want to see him tomorrow, but what if he just ignores me like he ignored the text? What if he just keeps walking away?"

Sarah wished she could say he wouldn't, but there was every chance he would. She and Dean had agreed it would be best not to tell Castiel that Jules intended to see him. He remained a flight risk.

"I remember how happy he was dancing with you at his birthday party. I've never seen him laugh so much as he did that day." she said.

Jules tried to smile. "That was a weird day, me, dancing with the best-looking guy in the room."

"And you made him take off that coat for an evening."

"Dean did that, not me. As I proved in this situation, I can't make him do a damn thing."

"Neither can Dean, this time and it's driving him crazy."

"Me too." said Jules, "My Mom used to say, 'If a man runs away from you, let him go. He's doing you a favour.'"

"Good advice." said Sarah.

"Now, too?"

"No. Castiel is not a normal man and he's not running because he doesn't care about you. He's running because he does."

"I think he honestly thinks this is better for me, but it's not. If I have to lose him to the Empty or to Heaven or to Naomi, so be it, but I haven't yet. He's there and he's hurt and he can only talk to Jack about it and if he tells Jack how scared he is, Jack will feel bad, because it's all for him. So he'll pretend he's fine with it and he'll tighten up and tighten up until he cracks."

"I think you're right. He needs you. But how do we convince him of that when he thinks you need him to step away?"

"If he tries to run tomorrow, I'll shoot him in the leg. With depleted grace, he'll drop like anyone else."

Sarah chuckled. "I think that should be very much Plan B. Maybe even C."

Jules nodded. "This just makes me insane. He needs me and he won't ask me for anything. He never does. He won't even ask for coffee. I have to ask if he wants one, every time."

"It's one of his most infuriating qualities." said Jules, "I have to command him to eat. He'll never make a choice. He barely expresses a preference. He reminds me of a dog that's been kicked and beaten so often it doesn't dare draw attention. The Winchesters are damaged, but at least they acknowledge their trauma."

"Sometimes." said Jules, "They use the word 'fine' a lot."

"True. But he just brushes off any kind of sympathy."

"Yes, 'It's not like that for angels. We don't experience the same emotions you do.' Bullcrap. Sorry, Sarah."

"Darling, my word was about to be a little stronger."

"When he broke up with me, I kicked the dog again, didn't I? I handled it badly. I yelled at him. I didn't wanna hurt him. It was just that he hurt me so much and I couldn't believe he was ditching me and the whole deal thing ... That he could make that deal and not even think of me ... "

"Not his fault or his choice." said Sarah.

"I know, but at the time, it felt like he must despise me. Now, I just wanna hug him and tell him I get it and beg him not to cut me out of his life like this. I don't need to be his girlfriend. It's not like we ever had much of a romantic relationship. I don't need dates or kisses and there's no chance at all now that we'll ever have sex, but he needs someone he can talk to and this time, it can't be Sam and Dean."

"Do you want me to go with you tomorrow?" said Sarah.

"No. Any three people is a crowd to him right now and he'll try to vanish into it. I need to get him alone. Just stay here and wish really hard that I can get through to him."

"I'd say I'll pray, but neither of us has much faith in that, do we?" said Sarah.

"I hadn't thought of prayer." said Jules, "I hate praying."

"I wasn't suggesting ... "

"No, but it could work. It at least cuts through some of his crap." Jules clasped her hands in her lap and said, "Castiel, I know you saw my text and I know you don't feel like talking to me, but I still love you and I always will and whether we're in the same room or on opposite sides of the planet, I consider myself committed to you. I'm not ever walking away from you.'" She looked at Sarah, "He'll ignore it, but at least he knows. You should sleep. One of us has to."

Sarah nodded. "We both need to. Why don't you sleep in my room tonight? I won't sleep, thinking of you all alone and crying."

"Are you sure?" said Jules.

"We can't reach him, for now, but we can be company for each other. It's what he would want if he were capable of rational thought. Which, I should remind you, he isn't. He's out of his mind. None of this is done with any cruel intention."

"I know. He loves me and he'll destroy my life because he can't see that I'd rather be with him and fight the Empty for him than let him go and know there's nobody to defend him. I'd rather die with him than live without him."

"I hope we can avoid both outcomes." said Sarah, "Come along now, child. You need to rest, because we have to be strong enough to snap the Empty in half ... if a transdimensional void can be snapped ... or has halves." She grinned. "I think I need sleep too. I'm not making a lot of sense."

"Tonight, Sarah, you're the only thing that does." said Jules.