A/N: Parts of this and the coming chapters will tackle events that might contradict certain parts of canon, especially regarding TDA. I suppose that from here on out this would make this fic a 'canon divergent' story, for those who care about following the lore to the letter and would like a warning or something.
Also, this chapter doesn't have much plot development. More infodumps are in here, and flashbacks ala Chapter 35 are coming in the next two or three chapters. Flashbacks to clear up the memory business will continue until the next 'Point' chapter, which should come soon, for those who don't want to read through them. Don't worry, I'm not making another 100k+ words set of chapters.
…Yet.
That's all. Thanks for reading. Stay safe.
Zuoriel
Chapter 63: Shirogane – Revelations that Compel A̷̢͚͔͉͊͗͜l̶̺̞̗̆͐t̸͔̀̄e̸̥̰͂͘r̶̲̣̫͒̉̂͌̕å̷̡͖̖̬̈́̄̒t̶̛͍̪̗̹̹̑͋̓̃i̸͎̣̯̊͐͘͝o̸̗͍͙̻̿̓ǹ̸̘͔͠
December 16th, 01:37 PM.
(Yuuko's Office.)
[Takeru]
My feet cramping within my boots, heartbeats echoing on my ears, and teeth shivering as if it were dusk already, I entered the office.
"Good that Pyatkh didn't have to go look for you." She said, spinning on her chair to face me. "What was the letter about, Shirogane?"
Poker face in place, she rested her elbows on the desk while looking right at me. Letting a hand ruffle my hair as I calmed down my breathing, I sat on my usual sofa.
"…Are they coming after you? Did you see any more memories?"
Unable to look at her, my throat shut tightly. Come on… Why are my knees shaking like this? S-She'll say I'm mistaken again, anyways. Sigh…
A sudden noise startles me, Sensei had hit the desk. Her eyes narrowing, resting a hand on her chin, a small ember sparked up despite the facade of the XO being in control.
"Shirogane, what was the letter about?"
"…That's not important right now."
"…What does that mean? Surely you aren't thinking on contacting the Royal Guard, are you?"
Inhaling slowly through my nose, my stomach feels heavy all of a sudden. Heartbeats ever present, I hold her gaze for a while. Feeling a small twinge of pain below my ears, I lick my teeth while running a hand over my forehead.
"Do you remember what I told you when I came back from the CCSE, Sensei?"
"…Again, if you don't tell me what the letter was about, there's little I can tell you that I haven't already."
"Forget about the letter for now, okay?" She frowns, but says nothing. "So, do you remember? How the memories of this world's me where already in me? How we were gonna use that to deceive Yuuhi?"
"…Yes, I recall saying something of the sort. What has this to do with the letter?"
"Sigh… Just… Stay on track and bear with me, okay?" Raising a brow, leaning back comfortably on her chair, and folding her arms, she then nods. "Okay, so, I remember you saying that those memories were already in me just like what had happened while I was in my home world. Right?" She nods again. "…And you also were opposed to hearing me out, until I told you how Yuuhi might have had intentions to come after me, remember?"
"Indeed, that was the case. Why are you bringing this up now?"
"…W-Well, you see… I was just wanting to, you know, confirm something with you. It's totally stupid and it's going to sound-"
"Out with it, what's the issue now?" Lowering her brows just a tiny bit, she looked right into my eyes. I gulped, slowly closing my hands without deciding whether my thumb was going in or out.
"So what I wanted to ask was… Back then, d-did you think that… I could actually be this world's me?"
…
Just like my world's Sensei did when we met again, when I told her of the 00 Unit and her theory being put to practice, her eyes slowly widened as her mouth also did. Soon enough, a scowl was found rising forth along a nice amount of blazes in her eyes.
"…What nonsense are you talking about?"
"Can you answer my question?"
"…I have literally no idea of what you're talking about. You're your own person, Shirogane."
"…About that, you see, remember when we discussed stuff after I returned from Komoro?"
"…Now what? There is no way you're-"
"I remembered part of his memories while I was there, and on the CCSE too. According to the theory, that shouldn't be possible." Expression unchanged, one of her hands was, oh, so slowly beginning to shake as its fingers dove into the palm. "I can only remember figments of other versions of me while I'm somewhere with concentrated G-Radiation. As far as I know, there's only one place that fulfills that condition, and it's this base."
"…The theory was never proved, since there was never a subject to observe. You are mistaken, Shirogane."
"Really?"
"Yes, we don't have a way to confirm that. Therefore, that is no proof to claim you're this world's you. And anyways, what made you ask that?" Leaning forward, something feels odd about her tone.
Pissed off, that's for sure, but there's something else beneath it, mixed in between. Sensei either speaks coldly as she wears the XO's mask or gets honestly upset when something is serious. Never before has she spoken this coldly to me while also letting her poker face crack apart.
But as easy as it would be to just handwave the problem, to take her word as that and believe it, despite how my tongue wants to be swallowed down, my lips part to follow the trail.
"There's one tiny, little problem left."
"And that is?"
"If me and him aren't the same then, I should be the only strengthened Nucleus in existence, right?" She nods, after a while. "Then, he would have no way to… share things with me."
"He is this world's version of you, it is no surprise that you and him are similar in some aspects."
"…Even on things that shouldn't exist in this world?" One of her eyes twitched.
"What are you talking about?"
I, slowly as a turtle and feeling acid coming up my throat, tell her of what I realized during my talk with Hikami, how he thought of my Maya-sensei's poem, how he used his heels as I do, how he learned to cook as I did despite me never doing that in any of my past lives. Sensei's facade remained cold, yet her brows were still low and she pronounced no word. When I finished, she began to slowly spin around without saying anything. And she kept at it… saying nothing, her eyes closed and arms crossed.
…
"…So, well…" Unable to endure the silence, scratching my head, let's see if what she thinks of my conclusion. "…considering what we know of this world, how it seems to have formed after all the causal mess that the transfer brought thanks to the worlds being too close already… There is a chance that part of my data didn't finish to leak 'here' before the paradoxes had to be fixed, like what happened in my world when I returned after my last loop. And just like then, I slowly began to recall all my mind from that point forward whenever my feelings resembled those I had when I made those same memories. Just that… it took him way more time than me to recall his, or our, memories… or maybe even less." If the world gets reset, I don't know at which points it 'starts' again. Maybe from my point of view only two years passed until I regained my memories, but perhaps there were signs and small things that didn't quite match up way before that day I began to slowly regain them.
Maybe I was also seeing parts of those memories when I was little back in my world, but due to the difference in maturity I didn't acknowledge them or just recalled parts of them as vague dreams thanks to being someone completely different to the one I was when I made those memories.
…And that is scarily similar to what is going on now with those dark memories.
"So Sensei, what do you think about-"
"Sigh… I suppose it has come to this in the end, huh." Stopping the spin, she faced me with a scowl, her tone hitting like a brick of ice to the jaw. "I suppose, you want to know no matter what?"
"…I won't be able to get this out of my head until I get an answer." Knees begin to shake, feels as if around my neck I had snake tightening more and more. After a while of holding my gaze in silence, she leans back onto her seat.
"Sigh… I'll tell you my thoughts on one condition. After we finish this talk, I want an answer regarding whether you'll stay here or not. I can only tolerate a certain amount of setbacks, and the 00 Unit has to be ready for Sadogashima as soon as possible."
"I know… Really, I know… Fine, I'll try to… give you a clear answer soon." Though, depending on her words, if what I realized on the elevator on the way here is actually true… I might not even have a say in the matter anymore. Maybe she'll make the decision herself, assuming she doesn't know yet, once I tell her.
"Fair enough." Still with the ice mask, she put a hand on her chin as she leaned forward. "Shirogane, when was the first time you regained memories in this world?"
"Huh? I mean, if he was the same as-"
"No, not him. Since you appeared in this base, when was the first time you regained memories?"
"In the CCSE, right?"
"…So you forgot, huh." Closing her eyes, she chuckles.
"W-What? When did I gain any memories before that?"
"Don't you remember what happened when you saw the railgun for the first time here?"
"…Ah." That's right… When I saw the image in the reports back then… I recalled the time I infiltrated the JFK Hive and that blue Takemikazuchi. "So you knew since then?"
"Sigh… I wish I had." Her facade dropping for a moment, her eyes squinted real hard, her whisper was as hateful as Sumika when she goes on a rampage. Standing up to make some coffee, she looks back at me. "After reading the papers of the Nucleus in detail while you were on the CCSE, I noticed some… odd things regarding the way it's supposed to work. If the theory was right, then you would end up assimilating parts of this world's Shirogane's experiences and traumas, those stronger feelings he had." After filling our mugs, she comes to hand me mine then leans on her desk.
We both drink a bit then she continues, this time looking straight at me.
"I was concerned that, if placed in the wrong situation, you might begin to feel as he did. Which is why I pulled the strings to get you here as fast as possible after the test was over. I didn't want you arguing with those two guards or with anyone from the IJA."
"…Why? We didn't know anything about him back then."
"Sigh… Chief Yoroi had come to talk with me by then, remember?"
"Hmm… Guess that slipped my mind. So…" I drink again, waiting for her to continue.
"So I knew he was close to the Shogun, close enough to send Yoroi to warn me that it was 'in my best interests' to allow you go to the Capital. If this world's you was a loyalist, then being in contact with anyone from the Guard or other fanatics could trigger a leak in you. That's what I thought back then, and it's why I had you back in the base as soon as possible." After drinking a bit more, she sighs and smirks at me. "Which is why I was worried when you began to call your dear Yuuhi in that way."
"Wha… What do you mean? I told you I never cared much about manners." Frowning a bit, I only get a grin back at me.
"Yet, whenever you spoke about your experiences before then, you used either 'Her Highness' or 'Shogun' to refer to her."
"Well, I guess that's- Wait, so… Wait a sec, are you saying I began to call Yuuhi by her name because of his memories?"
"Well, that's obvious isn't it." No, I didn't even notice. She chuckles, yet her face loses the happy glint, again going back to the XO's tint. "At the time, I was both concerned and elated. The theory was correct, yet now you were at risk of becoming someone you were not. If you kept gaining more and more feelings of this world's you, you would end up resembling him much, perhaps even…" She suddenly finds the wall interesting enough to stare at it for a while, brows going down even more. "…beginning to see the UN as he might have."
"…Which is why you had Kasumi help me regain his memories safely?" It makes sense. If Kasumi noticed anything she would tell Sensei about it, and then she could immediately prepare a countermeasure. And if nothing happened, we would gain a shield for whenever it was that Yuuhi came asking for me.
"Yes, that it is exactly. However, despite seeming like we were making good progress, my plan encountered an unexpected setback."
"The mock battle against Tsukuyomi-san and the Pickles… So, d-did you figure something out then?"
"…No, not immediately. I feared something too strong had leaked into you, especially after your outburst during your talk with the Shogun. Then, after seeing how you were after that rampage and thinking a bit, I realized that you, as a Nucleus, became stronger after absorbing all the radiation generated by the XG when you piloted it, since you didn't die in that world, and that the absorption of G-Radiation was being caused by you instead of being affected by it."
"…I see. Think that's why my world went to hell?"
"It's a possibility. The 00 Unit might have tried to sever your link and the effects of the ripples generated by the Conductor, but couldn't take into account your status as a Nucleus since she didn't even knew how to look for those variables, or perhaps didn't foresee your causal pull to grow so much stronger after the final shot of the particle cannon was fired. There's also the possibility that you, using your new enhanced Nucleus' status unconsciously, didn't want to forget about your experiences here and that clashed with her countermeasures." She shrugs, finishing her cup. "Don't worry, I made sure our 00 Unit can completely fix the ripples when the time comes."
"…Thanks." Giving her a smile, she ruffles her hair and looks to the wall, seeming bored.
"So, when we were doing those first tests on you after that first talk with the Shogun, Motoko-nee asked me the same question I just asked you. When was the first time you regained memories. Then I remembered about the railgun, and I checked the G-Radiation levels of that day."
"…I suppose I had absorbed some then?"
"Of course. Which only made everything all the more confusing." Leaving her mug on the desk, then she folds her arms. "Were you regaining both your own memories and his at the same time? Which one did you see during the mock battle? As I examined the data, I realized what you seem to have noticed just now. There was no radiation to absorb during the CCSE, which means… that yes, everything points to you and him being the same entity, especially considering you also saw his memories back at Komoro. Such a phenomenon can only occur when you regain your own memories, otherwise as you said you would only see jumbled dreams and inherit his heaviest traumas, as you said happened during your first experience with the fear of the BETA. That is why I made sure you were determined enough to confront me before showing you the data about Shura's Dance."
"…There's no room for error? No mistake or anything?"
Closing her eyes, she shakes her head. Ruffling her head, she lets out a sigh. Leaving the desk, she walks up to me.
"…I had some doubts myself, but when the Shogun told me this world's you took part in Shura's Dance… I'm sure you can see the similarities that mission has to what you showed me of Iceberg, minus the G-Bombs of course. The tests we did only served to confirm that suspicion I had. While the Pickles watched over you, the headband was able to halt how you were recalling traumatic memories, and you were absorbing either minimal or null amounts of radiation during those days. But when you slept…"
"The nightmares of this world's me came back. So those memories were already part of me… and were caused by the Nucleus' hold on my own data?"
"…Yes, that is the case. You remembering more of his life in Komoro was what convinced me of it. I know it must be hard to accept… but there is a very, very high probability that you and him are actually the same person."
…
But then… then that means…
"Shirogane, we can repress the Nucleus' effect by stabilizing you. You would have to again undergo that same treatment you were having before Komoro, but-"
"Yuuko, which memories are from this world's me? Do you have a guess?"
"…What do you mean?"
"Well… I think I'm recalling both things about his life and… some stuff I don't remember yet."
"…Does it really matter? You have your answer, and we have to still tune the 00 Unit. We don't have time for you having another breakdown." She frowned, that calm voice hitting like punch to the kidney.
"B-But… I mean… I'm…" Grabbing my mug tighter, my breaths pick up speed. Again, my heartbeat makes itself known on my neck.
"Shirogane, calm down." Placing a hand on my shoulder, she shakes me a bit. "We have a mission coming soon. I can halt the absorption and free you from recalling anything else, and in due time I can either stabilize you here or send you back without any risks."
"No, you don't understand…" That's only gonna make everything worse in the end.
"Sigh… I know how hard this is, how it hurts you. But not only those murders could have been mercy kills, but that is something the current you didn't do. Regardless of whether those visions are of this world's you or from the you of another world, it matters not at this stage since we have an almost certainty that you and him are the same entity, or based on the same core personality at the least." Grabbing my chin, she forces me to look at her face, that now fills my view. "You are no murderer, Shirogane. No matter what those memories are about, as of now, you are your own person. That's all."
"…I'm telling you that's not the problem. If we're the same… then…"
She lets go and sighs again, this time really hard while she also frowns.
"You can see it in this way. He simply inherited part of your memories as you do with his, but you are merely based on the same core personality. You don't have to shoulder his-"
"I'm telling you that's not the problem, and you know it Yuuko!"
…
"…And what is the problem then?"
"…That I'm… remembering stuff from the other loops. That's the problem."
"…I see. As I thought, then."
"Huh? You… knew?"
"Well, I had a hunch." She shrugs, then ruffles her hair. "I believe that there is a key difference that determines what you're seeing. When you're subjected to either a strong visual or auditory stimulus, you recall memories of your past experiences in other worlds. When you sleep or enter in direct contact with people related with this world's you while you are feeling an intense emotion, you see parts of the life you… lived in this world."
"S-So… You knew, all this time?"
"Yes, remember when I asked you about the suit of the Guard? How you felt in it?"
"Yeah?"
"Well, I was testing to see whether that visual stimulus was enough to spur memories on you. Seeing the railgun and hearing about it, fighting against that 1st Lt. and whatever she said to you… as well as whatever Her Purpleness said to you during that first call… Those were the moments were the absorption became stronger, and it was then that you saw the memories that clash with the ones you see about this world's you." Taking a moment to cough as I looked down, my lips and my hands competing to see which one trembled more and losing to my heart, she continued unabated. "I've been gathering data to prevent anything from harming you. So, rest assured, you won't return to… that version of yourself, and you also won't become like this world's you."
"But… But if you confirmed that… Then… that means…"
The highway was active all this time, bringing that data here. And if it was… if there is a link to those worlds…
"Sigh… You're no longer who you were before. Even if at some point you made horrible mistakes, you shouldn't let them bring you down. You have a mission to accomplish, and wallowing in despair won't save anyone. How are you going to help Kagami in this state?" Raising her voice, she was frowning when I looked up. Again with the cold mask, she stared down into me like a coming avalanche. And yet, gritting my teeth, I couldn't hold the scowl back.
"If I noticed it right now, you must have noticed it as well! When I saw the railgun and you described it, when I fought Tsukuyomi-san… Those were my own memories… right?"
For a moment, she says nothing.
Simply looking at me, holding her chin.
Crossing her arms, she goes to make herself more coffee.
As she does, she sighs really, really hard.
"…And what if they are? You're no longer that person, Shirogane."
Looking down, I bit my lips. Feeling as if I were on a roller coaster again, my insides about to come pouring through my mouth, I cover my face with both hands as I hunch over, my chest hurting as if I had been holding my breath underwater for way too long, my lungs burning as if I had swallowed some water on the way up. Choking as if I were about to drown, I can only shiver in place as the cold hands massage my shoulders.
"…I'll have you medicated and on a special mission from now on. We'll begin the treatment tonight. You'll stay in this office at night from now on. Also…" She places her hand on my head, ruffling it slowly. "I won't let you become that monster. I assure you of that."
"…That's not the problem here, Yuuko." I sigh, holding my head as my ears began to hurt. I hear her slamming a hand on her desk.
"Then, pray tell, whatever the hell is the problem?"
"L-Look… Even if… I was the one who did that… atrocity, even if that is true…" I lift my face, meeting her eyes. She seemed to twitch for a sec as our eyes met. "You do know what it means that the highway is bringing that data to this world, right?"
"…What are you talking about?"
"Look, what if… if, for some reason, the same that happened to my world happens here?"
…
"…You are not saying what I think you're saying."
Seeing how she didn't deny it, recalling those accidents, thinking about how that could happen again… I couldn't hold back my tears anymore.
I take a deep breath, accepting a handkerchief from her to clean my eyes and nose. Rubbing my forehead and swallowing some acid that tried to come out, I tell Yuuko of… what I was thinking while I was alone in the elevator.
As I was coming here, trying to deny everything, I did wonder if those memories… were influenced by the world post-Babylon. I didn't want to admit it, I still feel like I'm going to puke and I wanna rip my throat apart just thinking that I did that cruel shit. But I couldn't stop myself from thinking about how that kind child turned into someone so cruel, if we were indeed the same. But if… if there was an explanation…
It is that I was seeing parts of who I was after Alt. V fucked us over, and that this world's me was heavily influenced by that causality. If… If I lost all hope in those worlds… if he lost everything as I did after Iceberg… Then, the Swordbreakers were made mirroring my own actions in those worlds. Which means…
I was made into a Royal Guard post-Babylon, serving whoever was at the top as a manhunter. My own memories of Iceberg and of what little I recall about what came afterwards are filled with despair and hatred, also hopelessness. And when I tried to think about how impossible it was for me and him to be the same… I simply noticed how similar my own feelings then resembled his own after the fall of Yokohama. And, in a way, what I do know of him post-Shura's dance is like a mix-up between those possible worlds and last loop. The Swordbreakers are a top secret squad, just like the Valkyries are. He was made to disappear after his last mission, as I was supposed to when I left that world. Most of his squad perished as what happened to the Valkyries, too.
If he and me are indeed one and the same, then those feelings that came into him whenever he felt alone and depressed… were my own as I lived in that ruined world. And that's the same that happened to me during my match against the Elef and the Frei, when the memories came at me and made me feel like shit… I remembered that moment when the squad died in Iceberg, those scattered pieces of whatever the hell came afterwards. And those memories…
Feel completely frozen.
A shock so big that my system cannot compute it, then sends me into a rampage. In the same way the 'Original Takeru' was shocked to the core when the memories of the 'Alternative Takeru' became clear, all this time since this world was reset… both you and me have been enduring the toll of that other me's trauma, the me that fell into despair, the me that was forced to live on in a world that had lost all hope.
If his last memories I saw during the XM3's test and all his other feelings aren't wrong, then this world's me didn't fall that down… but it's clear that he also was carrying that burden on his shoulders. That's why Yuuhi and Hikami reacted negatively to me mentioning 'the cold hands', and why I heard what I heard after I crashed when fighting the lasers.
Those shadows I saw surrounding the wolf… were nothing but those versions of myself that had fallen so deep in despair that to remember them was equal to torture. And that strong smell of gunpowder and the sounds of the sea… might be what I last heard when I had to escape from Japan before it sank to the bottom of the ocean, the last memory I made as 'me' before falling down into absolute apathy and dread.
"That's what I think, though. But… But… even if… that happened… even if there was a world where I lost all hope in humanity and… a-and… Ugh…" I cover my hand and bring another to my stomach, stopping the reflex just in time.
"Calm down… Nothing is wrong here. Come on, deep breaths." She again pats my head, I inhale through my nose until I pushed back the urge. "So, why do you think this an issue? I can halt those memories from resurfacing once we stabilize you."
"Because… Cough… There is one big difference here compared to last loop. The causality is leaking into this world much faster, and many things related to me are coming over. If the ripples aren't yet fixed, then that means… the causality of those worlds is leaking into this one." She frowns, color draining from her face.
"Are you saying… the data of the worlds of Alt. V will come to haunt us here?"
"Yes… If you stabilize me, if you free the highway from what is clogging it right now… then the same that happened to my world will happen here. Operation 21st might end up just as Iceberg did, and even if it doesn't, the other stuff that happened over there might suddenly happen here. Just like my world was about to lose billions of people before the transfer… This world might be struck by the ruin of the world post-Babylon."
"Are you… But… This is… Wait, is this… what you meant when you said your world fell to ruin?" Mouth hanging wide as a watermelon, a hand rubbed her hair. Then clawed at it, almost scalping it as a scowl rose in her complexion, a solar storm in her eyes. "This cannot be real… You have got to be fucking kidding me."
"But it's the only way that could be. You said those worlds still exist, and if they are connected to this one through the conductor they are leaking their data as we speak." I guess that didn't happen last loop because those worlds were alternate branches of that same world, not entirely different realities. But in this case, both my home world and all the branches I made during my loops are connected to this world… and the amounts of ruined worlds is impossible to count, whether it is just a few or with a page worth of zeroes behind the first number.
Which means that… if anything happens… it's again because of me. It's all because I'm linked with that ruin…
…In the end, there is only one true solution to this mess.
"…Is there anything that you remember from those worlds that has happened here already?!" Grabbing my shoulders, now losing her ice mask, she shakes me a bit.
"I-I did tell you this world is different, right?"
"Anything conclusive! If you're going to declare such a threat, you better have some proof to back it up!" Lips folding in tightly, one of her eyes was twitching.
"W-Well… Anyways, there is a way to stop that from happening."
"Out with it, explain!"
Looking down, shivering as if it were snowing, my jaw moving up and down as if I were chewing ice… A few tears escape as I speak out my solution.
"…You only need to erase the source of the leak, what's bringing that data here, don't you? Then, you can shut down both the Conductor and the Nucleus at the same time."
…
She lets me go but doesn't move away. I look up, meeting her stone cold gaze as she crossed her arms. One of her eyes was still twitching as her hands dove a bit too strongly into her forearms.
"…You aren't suggesting me to… kill you, are you?"
"…It was my own stupidity what caused everything to go to hell in my world, because I didn't act fast despite knowing the risks. And if the same is going to happen here… t-then everything I've done will be for nothing. Even if you can stabilize the Nucleus, the Conductor will keep bringing stuff so long as I'm here. So… S-So the only way we have to save both worlds before anything goes wrong… is to have me disappear."
Without me, no further links will be made between worlds.
Without me, no Nucleus will pull data to an innocent world.
Without me, no ruin will befall this world.
Without me, there are no risks of someone going berserk because of some dark memory.
Without me, Yuuhi and the Pickles will forget everything and should stop antagonizing Sensei.
Without me, this world will be safer, no more ripples will happen due to some unknown anomaly, and my world will also be free from any causal mess.
"…It's the better option considering we don't have time to wait for Sumika to fix the Conductor's influence now."
"…And then, what happens to the 00 Unit?"
"You can tune her without me, right? That should be safer than relying on the mess I'm as of now."
"No, losing you now that you made contact with her is out of the question."
"B-But if I stay here-"
"I can- No, I will fix those issues, so long as you do your part and stabilize the 00 Unit. Do not forget that, if you leave, I have to deal with Her Highness once she loses her memories."
"That shouldn't be a problem once you start Alt. IV, it's better than-"
"Surely you have thought this through?" Folding her arms even tighter and giving me a side glance, her tone filled with needles.
"I mean… If I'm the source of-"
"Let's say that I agree. Let's say I erase you. What happens if your scattered data affects other worlds?"
"Huh? But if I'm gone-"
"Fragments of 'You' might have already flown into other versions of yourself in other worlds, sending them to ruin without them knowing what to do about it. You said it just now, that your world's me said that if 'you' were to disappear you would live a living hell. Therefore, the only way to erase these setbacks with complete certainty is the one where you stay living here until we find a way to reset all worlds affected by these ripples while also freeing you from both anomalies' effects."
"But if I stay this world will… I don't… I-I can't take to see that happening again…"
"Aren't you forgetting something?" I look at her through my tears, she's smiling from ear to ear. "You didn't have my help or resources back in your world."
"But even so… If I stay…"
"I can study your status and devise a surefire way to rid you of these effects, as well as fixing all the ripples. Also, you're too important to have you gone at this point of the game. I will not be erasing you any time soon."
"But everything will go to hell because I'm still here!" Frowning, she took a step forward, coming only a few centimeters from my face and-
SLAP!
"I want you to stay, Shirogane. It is in my best interests to keep you here. For the good of Alt. IV and to gather data on my theories. And you should be following the path that guarantees you the result you wish to achieve, even if it comes with great risks."
"Hic… But I don't want to see everyone dying again because of me. I… wouldn't be able to take that… If that causality comes here, there might… be nothing we can do about it." Leave the whole memory business aside, this is the real problem we have on our hands. If it's for their safety, I can try to endure any treatment or flashback… but if my presence here is a threat to my beloved ones…
Yuuko places a hand on my shoulder, holding it with some force.
"I would be needing you to fix whatever data already is present in this world. You now know how to deal with this setback, we have the Nucleus' theory and the resources to devise a countermeasure. And this is something I am deciding to do. Are you insinuating you do not trust in my judgment?"
"Of course not, I do know how dear your project is for you."
"Then, if I said I can deal with this, why are you hesitating? Do you truly think I'd put Alt. IV at risk so carelessly? Didn't I say I've been monitoring you all this time?"
"S-So…" Looking back at her, halting my lips and knees' rumbling, the cold shiver begins to disappear. "…You think you can deal with this?" Then, she smirks and chuckles.
"Who do you think you're talking to? I'm a genius, you know?"
"So… I don't have to-"
"No, you don't have to disappear. But for this to work, I need you ready to recall parts of those dark memories, to study this 'causal highway' in utmost detail. Do you think you're able to withstand that?"
"…And you're sure this will solve the leaks even if I stay?"
"If I weren't, I would be erasing you right now."
"…I guess you would." She wouldn't put her project at risk for a pawn.
If she spent so much time analyzing how I absorb the radiation and regain the memories, she must be convinced of her methods to say that. Otherwise… she would have sent me back to my world as that other Yuuko did for the sake of her plan. I suppose she was weighing her options all this time… Will this really be okay, though? No… I've no way to deal with this by myself. If Yuuko says she can deal with this, then she can. Even if it means… pulling the plug on me if the worst comes to pass.
"Ahem…" Her brows furrowed, lips a bit plucked, she gave me a side glance. W-Why did I piss her off now? "Anyways… Are you willing to stay here despite knowing the risks? Despite knowing that you will probably keep seeing his, or more accurately, your past memories?"
"…I'd be lying if I said I'm ready or that I'm not scared… But if you can fix this mess with me here… I'll stay. Not just for now, but forever. If by staying here I can help you mend all these problems…" Inhaling deeply, remembering my house, my parents, the arcade, and college one last time… I wiped the water that remained in my eyes, exhaling all that was clogging my throat with the same impulse of a ballista. "Then, I choose to stay in this world. Just… promise me that if you notice something going wrong, you'll erase me right then and there."
"…I do not need to make such a promise, I would do anything to ensure my plans come to fruition. So, do you feel well enough to talk about this matter of the leaks and memories now?"
I look down, suddenly feeling my stomach empty. My legs giving up, I fall onto my sofa.
"…No problem, I can do it."
"…Really now?"
"Yeah… If this will help you and them…" Inhaling sharply, remembering my oath, I return her gaze. "I'll trust in you, Yuuko. So… W-What do you want to know?"
"First… What are you going to do about this letter and Her Purpleness?"
"…No idea. The fact that we're the same person hasn't sank in, I think. Just… I don't know for now."
She looks to the wall again, covering her mouth with a hand as she sits down and begins to spin again.
"…Are you wanting to return to the Royal Guard?"
"What?! No! Just… Thinking about this world's me is hard right now. I always thought I was against him… and now it turns out there's no 'him' and that this mess was made by me being here…" Resting my face in between my hands, I sigh yet again. If I had disappeared at the end of last loop… nothing would have happened. If only Sumika had chosen to let me disappear…
"Stop that, nothing is your fault. This is well beyond your control."
"I know, but still…" She frowns, groaning. "Well, I don't know what to think. If his life was just me without any memories… I'm just having a hard time coming to terms with all this." I ruffle my hair, sighing.
"Fine… Alright, give me a moment." She taps something on her keyboard, the headband begins to vibrate.
"Uh… Yuuko? What are you doing?"
"Releasing the limiter on the headband. I'll be having you remember to gather data on how this leak works, how fast it happens."
"…Is that even safe? If I remember all of it, then-"
"Considering how you react when recalling memories of those worlds, it's safe to assume the sheer difference in your psyche to the one you had in those realities will be a strong enough deterrent to give us time to analyze this."
"If you say so…" I guess she would know better than me. If this is what allows us to device a way to stop this… I gulp, feeling the base of my throat again burn, the my back also beginning to hurt as if it were a single piece about to break, as if I had burned it and the skin was peeling off. Dammit… Get your shit together, I've no right to be scared when all this happened because of me.
After a while, the headband stops vibrating strongly. She moves her bangs out of her eyes, facing me again while entwining her fingers.
"Well, try to recall something. Think about what's different in this world, think about how it could relate to those other worlds. Focus on a strong emotion, see if you can remember anything." I nod, closing my eyes and resting my arms on my legs.
The small twinge of pain below my ears returns, the cold shiver again runs up and down my back as if it were an F-1 track. Feeling the frozen fingers imprinting their trails on my sides as if they were drifting hard, again something trying to crawl up from my throat, I begin by focusing on those years between that fateful Christmas and the day where Iceberg happened.
Something faint, as if hearing a bee in the distance, like stepping on the street after a rainy night, like the disappearing aroma of someone's perfume as they leave, reaches my head. Figments of words… Twisted images… And slowly, those years slowly come back bit by bit…
"…There were many problems for those who supported Alt. IV in this world, at least until I showed up, right?"
"…Yes, that is the case." Folding her arms, she holds my gaze.
"Back in those two years before Alt. V happened…" Now that I think about it… Two years again, huh. "The people that supported Alt. IV were silenced one after the other. Tama's dad died in a terrorist attack, Chizuru's was overthrown and another Prime Minister was put in his place, and… well, you saw in that memory how you were forced to stay locked up in Sendai."
"So you say that data is what made my supporters lose influence?"
"Well, it's just a thought. I told you that mission in Korea probably didn't happen back in the other loops, and many other things also… are rather different here."
"For example?"
"Well… How much people favor the Guard, for example. After Chizuru's dad was overthrown, there was a lot of tension between the UN and the Empire, from what little I remember. It's why my squad never got deployed despite being ready to help out before Iceberg despite the BETA's continuous attacks. I never followed the news closely… But, thinking back to those days… Meiya was really down whenever she got letters from time to time." I never asked much, never wanted to pry into her life if it made her sad. But… But something was going wrong in the Royal Guard of that world.
"…So those stronger nationalist feelings after losing Alt. IV and having this base become a puppet of America are what leaked into this world to make it how it is now? Is that what you're saying?"
"…If my wish to save everyone is what made the transfer possible and what made me also be a 'determinator' for how the causal ripple fixed the paradoxes… Maybe the guilt I had in those worlds came pouring, since they're many more in quantity, and that's why something that never happened before is real in this world, like the railgun coming here."
"Are you sure about that? I think I could have acquired that weapon without much problems if I had no setbacks in those worlds. Is there anything that you can use to prove that hunch?"
"Yes, after thinking well now… Takamura wasn't at the defense of the base last loop. I never saw the yellow Takemikazuchi, not even in the days after the attack where the few TSFs that were available were all in one hangar getting back in order. So, at the least the XFJ Project didn't go to this base in my other loops."
"Then, what do you think is the cause of Takamura's arrival? Is there anything else you notice that's out of place?"
"…I mean, I did tell you the Yukon Incident was something new to me. I don't think that happened in my other loops, at least not as it did in this one, since it's what made Takamura come here in the first place." After all my talks with her, I'm sure of that at least. I never really gave it much thought thanks to all the memory business… But, trying to make everything fall into place, not fighting the pain below my ears or the cold hands, I can't find a better explanation than that. "Though, I don't think that's something from that set of worlds."
"So, from where did that data flow in?"
"I don't know, but I doubt something like that happened before. I might be dense, but I would have heard from someone about it if it happened before everything went to hell. And if that had happened, then Takamura would have ended up in our base like it happened here, but I never saw her in any of my prior experiences."
"Hmm… So, do you think that data came from the future of your 'last loop' or from your world?"
"I mean, Alaska wasn't blown up in world."
"Sigh… Perhaps, but the causality might have rearranged the core of the matter into a different shape. There are no BETA in your world, but when you ran away to it accidents still happened."
"…Right."
"Come on, chin up. So, the Yukon Incident was a terrorist attack that aimed to damage America's sense of security, to both denounce the hostilities towards refugees in the US and the rest of the world, to bring forth tensions between West and East, and to try to spark up an aggressive reaction towards the refugees. Of course, there were… other kind of interests in play, but that should be the gist of it. Was there a successful 'accident' that resembles this description in your world during September of 2001?"
…
"…Oh my God."
"So it did happen, huh… What exactly happen over there?"
"Well… The Twin Towers still exist in this world, right?" She nods, bringing a few fingers to massage her forehead.
"Well, that is… an unexpected revelation. What were the repercussions of the attack?"
"The US declared a War on Terror, and at the start of 2003 started another war in the Middle East."
"…Fuck. If that data comes over here… Sigh… I guess that answers the question, there are many small events that might be influenced by heavy-enough events in your world or in those other worlds from your past experiences. Is there anything else that seems odd to you?"
"Well… I've no idea if Mogami happened in the other loops or in my world. The terrorist attack of the '97 didn't happen in my world, at least. I don't know why my Dad was a Royal Guard here, unless it was all to create a path for the causality to affect me, or why they both died so young." Unless, again, it was all to converge on the reality of me being all alone… like I always was in the BETA world during my loops. "As for the rest… Wait a sec…"
Something that wasn't from my world or from last loop… happening anyways… Something that was completely out of place, something that didn't seem to have been mirrored by anything that had happened to me despite my status as a Nucleus affecting those who were close to me…
There was one more thing that I was shocked to find out. Something that… doesn't make any sense now that I think about it well enough.
"Shirogane? Did you figure something out?"
"…The poison."
"Huh?"
"Meiya's grandfather was never poisoned… in my original world." I never tried too hard to remember those worlds, save from my happy memories of my relations… but I don't remember ever hearing about the scandal in any of those worlds now that I'm trying to. Which means… Which means…
Someone poisoned the person that was looking after Meiya in my first loops in the BETAverse. At that point, chances are Raiden-san was already dead due to the BETA invasion. So, the relative that was looking after her was…
Yuuhi.
Yuuhi was poisoned.
She wasn't the one leading the people in the world post-Babylon.
Then… Then… who was the one in charge?
"Ugh… Augh… Khhh…" My throat shuts down again, my vision twist as if my eyes were going odd. A cold shiver runs down my back, the hands diving into me.
"Shirogane, calm down!"
"Haa… Haa… S-Shit." As if I had Meiya beating my head with a sword, the pain reiterates itself. Can't see anything, can't hear anything, but damn, it feels awful. It's so hollow, so empty, so cold… Was this… how I felt every day in that world? "Ugh… Y-Yuuko, we have a problem."
"What did you remember?"
"…That Yuuhi was poisoned in those worlds, at least enough to not allow her to move on her own." Raiden-san didn't die in my world, but was left unable to leave his bed according to Maya-san. If something of the sort happened to Yuuhi… Why? What the hell happened there?
"…Are you being serious?" I explain to her my reasoning, she folds her arms and groans for a moment. "…Did this happen during your last loop?"
"Well, I don't know if anyone was planning to do that, but as I said before I wouldn't be surprised if there were agents aiming for her life during the coup, both from within and from outside. And… for some reason, I just know Yuuhi wasn't alive after everything sank into the ocean." Which makes no sense since I think I did see her in a fragment of a memory, but… tell that to my gut.
"So the Shogun might be poisoned, the Prime Minister might be overthrown, the Undersecretary might be murdered, and all this is coming from a world where Alt. V became a reality… I think we both known how this is going to be balanced."
"…Did Chief Yoroi came with bad news?"
"Not for now. But, all things considered, I wouldn't be surprised at anything now." We both sigh hard, but then she begins to spin. "I suppose there might be a way out of this lock. Shirogane, do you feel well enough to enter the machine again?"
"…To try to see if I somehow remember something about who harmed Yuuhi?"
"Yes. Either this world's you or the one from after Iceberg should possess that knowledge. This world's Shirogane should know who was against Her Purpleness within the Guard, and the other should know who took the power after whatever happened in between Babylon and the flood. I don't want you to see memories, I just want a name to begin an investigation. Do you feel well enough?"
"…Fuck that, let's do it. I don't care if I faint, Yuuhi's safety takes priority. If that mess comes to this world, our coming missions will be harder for sure. I'm… well enough to go in there."
"…Is that so? Good enough, let's be on our way." She stands up, I leave my mug in its usual place and follow behind her.
"So Yuuko, do you really think the coup is close to happening?"
"If the causality is coming here, it'll take a great effort to prevent it. I can't manipulate people's feelings, so if Sagiri or anyone else is angered, you can bet that everything will soon enough go out of control. By the way, did you know that the Hunter Battalion is left on stand-by at Langley Base despite the need to reinforce the COSEAN frontline?"
"So they're ready to move out at any moment?" She nods, frowning.
"Sadly, it seems we're headed to a coup whether we like it or not, unless you manage to remember who was aiming to poison the Shogun and I can count on Yoroi to act fast enough. Assuming he wants to help, that is."
"…Because he won't hesitate to sacrifice us if that empowers the Empire again?"
"Was that something he said in your last loop?"
"Yeah… He was playing for both sides in the conflict, but wanted us to protect Yuuhi. I don't know his personal motives, but I think… he would just push for the coup to happen if he thinks there's a good chance of Yuuhi surviving and regaining her 'rightful entitlements'." I really rather not have to do that again, not on this world. All the girls are so much more passionate about their nation… They might know of Alt. IV now, but… if forced to choose between their nation and the UN in the heat of the moment…
"Perhaps this world's you knows something of that. Are you certain that you can handle this right now?" Looking right at me as we stepped on the elevator, her eyes diving into mine, making me feel as if I were being stared down by a dragon, I gulped and nodded.
"This is for my beloved ones. I don't care what I have to see… We gotta find a solution to this, right now. I'll do my part, even if I fail today. Like hell I'll let that shit happen again." If she's certain that I can stay, if there is something I can do to protect them… I'll do it, whatever it takes.
"…Good." She smiles, leaning on the wall. "By the by, how did that other world end up after the coup?"
"I mean… Yuuhi regained her powers but I dunno if that made much of a difference in the end, I wasn't much into politics. And I think that gained us much support from those loyal to her, which made some Guards come help us during the defense of the base despite the risks."
"…So Alt. IV gained the favor of the Shogun loyalist faction after the coup?"
"I guess? You never told me anything about that, so I'm just thinking out loud." I shrug, she sighs.
"Fair enough. Still… I suppose that the UN's support to the Shogun, and in keeping the peace in the true sense of the word, must have been well received by even those with more strong views against us. Was your squad loyal during the coup?"
"…Yes, even if they did have a hard time during it. I don't know if… the same will happen now."
"I see. Well, I guess those are the cards we've been dealt." The elevator stops, the door opens, and we step out moving towards the teleporter's room. "Are you truly ready for this? You might miss the chance to go cooking, after all."
"…I had forgotten about that until now. But… I gotta do this, at least to see whether it truly is safe for me to stay here."
"…I did say it was. Are you doubting me?" Narrowing her eyes, lips twisting, her quiet voice hid a hydra behind it.
"Of course not. Just… Sigh… It's hard, knowing all this. You really must be so done with all this shit, having to deal with it for so long."
"…Well, don't we all have to deal with our inner demons however we can? Excuses don't get the job done, anyways. Might as well grit your teeth and bare them towards what obstructs your ambitions." Squinting her eyes as if she were surrounded by tear gas but without closing them, she sped up her pace. "Anyways… Are you ready to see… whatever it is you might see?" She stops right before the door to the teleporter's room.
"…Yeah. This is my cross to bear. And if I can use it to beat the shit out of whoever wants to screw us over, I'll just have to learn to use it wisely." If she says I can stay, then there's only one choice left for me. Fight.
"…Well said. Let's go." Swiping her ID card, the bolted door gyrates and opens up.
…Perhaps, just like when I entered the arcade machine, a different me will come out of this room. But if that gives us the intel we need to stop or protect ourselves against this threat…
…I might have been a murderer in the past, when I lost everything and stopped caring. I might be the same being as the one the Pickles remember, the leader of the Swordbreakers, one of the most fiery Shogun loyalists there were.
But I'm also the same guy who simply wants to live in peace with the ones he loves. If they also had those feelings in them… there might be a way for me to make peace with their memories. Inhaling slowly as I lick over my lips, remembering that last day in the dojo, the last hug Mom gave me, my talk with Sensei before the transfer… This is where I face off against that root of ruin that has always been following me since this mess started. I have my beloved ones here now… So if I can do anything to protect them… even if it means facing a truth I rather avoid…
I rather see them living. I rather see them happy. I already know… how running away from my problems ends up.
Exhaling hard enough to feel the air on my hands, I ruffle my hair. Closing my eyes for a sec, my feet begin to move.
"…I guess it's finally time… to see if I can put my words to practice." Not hesitating for a second, I step towards the machine as Yuuko configures it from the control panel.
A cold shudder comes to me, the hands pull at my elbows as if to take me away from the teleporter. My knees begin to shake as I recall how everything went wrong in Iceberg and in my world before coming here. But then, I bite my lips as I get close to the teleporter. Remembering last loop, the sacrifices that were made to keep me alive… I won't let their deaths be in vain to me, I won't let them down. Exhaling through gritted teeth, scowling at the memories and the thoughts of them dying, I take hard, firm, slow steps towards the machine.
Using the nearby ladder, I climb onto the thing and push the buttons on the side. The sphere opens up in half, revealing the usual seat and sensors within it. Slowly getting inside of it, strapping myself to the seat, I also finish connecting the sensors and checking they're green before looking down. Yuuko gives me a nod once I give her the OK.
"By the way, is there a reason you didn't have Kasumi come with us?"
"Don't worry, the config isn't set up to send you to another world. And I want you to remember, and you know how sensitive she is about that."
"…Yeah." Guess she knows better, if Yuuko says this is fine then I'll trust her.
"So… Ready?" I nod, she returns it and closes the machine.
After a small moment of silence within the half lit space, I can feel the vibrations as the sphere begins to move and my hair falls down into my face. I inhale slowly as I close my eyes.
"Bring it on, shadows. You're not gonna take my loved ones from me again."
Feeling a dizziness strike at me, the cold hands coming for my neck, the machine kicks in more speed. And as it did, as I focused on those days, on what I wanted to recall, that drowning feeling comes back to me.
And blinking once… Inhaling sharply for air as if I had been submerged for a long time… Once I opened my eyes again…
I found myself on the eternal wasteland that was Iceberg's landscape.