Hello everyone. We are moving towards the end of this story. There is this chapter, a playlist and then the epilogue left.
Everything had changed so much lately.
Where I sat today, with Toby on the other side in the room and somehow managing to say one word after the other without fainting.
"So, when you did things wrong, he would force you into his car…"
"True."
"Why?"
There was one guy, I didn't even know what he did. And there was a judge and Rayna Gordon by my side while another woman on Toby's side. Toby himself wore an orange jumpsuit of the kind that I had only seen on TV before. And hand cuffs, and whatever I said I knew it would have to be true. As much as I could possibly squeeze out through my dry, aching throat and mouth.
"I-I-I…"
"Maybe Walter Bigsby himself would like to answer that question himself?"
I tried to look anywhere but on Toby. But I still couldn't help but notice that if glares could kill there wouldn't be much left of me. Whenever questioned he only hrm'd or whatever and shook his head.
"I…" I closed my eyes, took a deep breath and started over. "…He thought that if he took a car and never put it at the same spot there would be no way people could find where we were… And the space was so small he could… tight and… hurt me without having to move…"
My mind was spinning with every word I said. I had gone to bed early last night but lied awake all night trying to find the right words that would be the answers to obvious questions. And I was lucky I did because with every question I knew, that if I hadn't already had the answer planned I wouldn't be able to think of one in a million years.
I couldn't help but cringe again, Toby's eyes looked so cold when he looked at me and he hadn't turned away since we came here I kept having a feeling he'd break me or turn all of me into ice- it felt like he did.
"Miss Romero?" The man asking the questions turned to me again. "So, if he hurt you- in the car. Would he keep driving afterwards or take you back to the house…"
Come on now Cai. You have to tell the truth.
For Keith and Ellie. Who now finally knows who their dad is.
For Burt and Carole who has given up so much of their lives to take care of you.
For everyone who Toby hurt so unbelievably…
"He'd leave me in the car. Sometimes for a day or two."
"Alone?"
"Yes."
"Was that what he had done that first time you ran away from him?"
"Yes."
"How many times had he done that before…"
Once again I paused. I had made so many choices back then. When I decided to go with him and all the time with him after that…
"Seventy three…"
"So why didn't you run away any of those times."
I DON'T KNOW. I wanted to scream. I DON'T KNOW. BUT I SPEND EACH MOMENT OF MY LIFE WISHING THAT I HAD.
"I…" I hesitated for real and thought to myself all the reasos I had for telling the truth. "I never knew for how long he'd be gone. It could be two minutes and it could be two days."
"Were you afraid he'd get mad if he found you were trying to run."
"Yes."
I remembered the few hours before I'd run away, lying on my back looking up at the stars. That moment I had been thinking that Toby would be gone for a few hours, maybe even a whole day. But I heard it as his car came straight down from the road. I just knew it was his.
And if Toby was so angry only seeing me outside the house. However mad would it make him if he caught me trying to run away?
"Was he ever angry with you…"
That whole day in court Toby didn't say one word. He grunted a couple of times something that couldn't be understood. But I didn't need for him to say anything to see his eyes…
"I think we're done here for today." The man said at last. "And tthen we'll be back tomorrow. Is that right Caitlin?" I cringed at him using my full name but nodded.
Right outside Carole was sitting- she had been there all day in case she'd be needed and she had Mike with her.
"Are you okay?" Was always the first question Carole asked when I came outside. "Here…"
All day she kept a can of Fanta in her pocket of all of those that had been bought for the fourth of July that she reached me for some fluid and blood sugar.
"Thank you… Hey boy…" Mike came up sniffing ctowards me and when I kneeled he came and licked my cheeks. "Have you been here all day waiting for me?" I looked up on Carole who didn't answer. "I'm sorry. You shouldn't have to do this. What if you just went home all day and I'd call you when we're finished for the day or…"
"I don't mind Cai." She signed at me to come with her and we went to the car. "And you don't have to appologize. This isn't your fault."
Whenever they said something like that I just couldn't help but wonder if they'd still sign up for fostering if they knew all the trouble I'd be.
Whenever we were in the car I couldn't help but remember my first day with Burt and Carole and me vomitting over the back seat, that was only a little thing that could be cleaned up quickly, just like it could all of those times when I wet my pants like a baby or a toddler.
And now here we were. With all court and I didn't even know if my biological parents woyld be around…
Just like each time we passed it going home, we passed the point where Toby had kidnapped me the second time. And I couldn't help but see it all in front of me…
"Cai?" Carole's voice pulled me back to here and now, I hadn't even noticed I was far gone into my own thoughts. "We're home."
Home?
Would this still be home tomorrow or next year?
"I hope there would be some way, like in your heart to forgive us."
Did my biological parents actually expect that some day I'd want to have a life along with them after everything?
Because I knew at least my biological mum wanted to have a life along with that. And I knew that the only earlier time I had actually been with someone who took care of me, they had taken me away without listening to a word that I said.
"Hey Cai."
I was finally interrupted from my thoughts when I went from the car and up to the porch where Kai, his aunt and Homer the dog were visiting.
With everything that had been going on, including my whole life without friends, it had just felt nice to, like any other normal teenager have a friend come over for a while in the afternoon.
"I've been talking to Cory…" He told me. "…Is it true? That his sister was… the one who hurt you?" I hesitated, then nodded. "Oh man."
Everything was so confusing, as if the rest hadn't made my head spin already. When Keith and Ellie were half siblings from their mums both having been raped by the man who hurt me, to when Kai and Jim had found me after being kidnapped, to when my biological brother was a part of Mr. Schuester's glee club, to when Mr. Schuester was the one that had found me and picked me up from that river.
"I need the bathroom."
Kai didn't move from where he sat on the porch and was watching as Mike and Homer played, Mike still ready to come up if I needed the help…
I had so much now I couldn't ever have imagined by the time I walked up this driveway for the first time.
And when I just stood there, in the bathroom and looked at myself I couldn't believe I still looked the same, was I still short and skinny as a thread? Were my eyes still that strange light green-blue color? Was my hair still blonde and my skin still pale?
I knew there were still things that needed to change, I needed to change…
All of a sudden, almost without thinking I grabbed the nail scissor from a shelf with one hand, with the other I pulled my hair into a pony tail and cut the whole thing off at once.
"I needed to change…" I whispered to myself while the metal scissor went through my thin, worn out hair tresses. "I needed to change, I needed to change."
Not after it was done and I stood there with my old pony tail in one hand I realized what I had done.
"I needed to change."
For several seconds I just stood there and stared at myself in the mirror.
What had I done?
What if Burt or Carole would be angry at me for doing this?
Then at last, it was as if I woke up and knew I couldn't exactly stay here in the bathroom until it grew back out. And at last, with the scissor in one hand and hair in the other still I went back outside where Carole was the first one to see me.
"Oh my God. What did you do Cai"
"I…" She came closer to me while the others turned to. "..I wanted a change…. I needed a change."
In my head it was spinning (per usual) and I knnew by the feeling I had needed to change. But I just couldn't find the words.
"I wanted a change…"
"Hey, do you know what you should do…" Kai started. "You should find one of those where you could sell or give your hair and they would make wigs of it for people who have lost their hair from cancer or stuff."
"That's a good idea. But…" Carole reached out her hand and I- as good as it was possible with all of the tresses handed them to her. "…It's been a while since you cut your hair last. Am I right?" I nodded. "This has had the time to wear out- hair does that, just like clothes. You could still give it away but I'm not sure if anyone could ever use it for anything. It was a good thought though Kai… Although…" She grabbed the scissor. "Can I?" I nodded and sat down on the poorch. "There's still quite a bit left that's all worn out. Would you mind if I just look over it and then cut it?"
"No… You probably should anyway…"
Within half a second I was all tense- I still just couldn't let anyone touch me at all, in any way. But still knowing my hair was a mess I let her continue.
I suddenly noticed how silent everyone had gotten. And I just knew I had to explain.
"I just thought of how many things have changed. And then I just knew that if I wanted more to change then I'd have to change the way I looked. And that was not just going to happen by itself so I… well. You can see what I did."
For a long while everything was all quiet. And meanwhile we all just let Carole concentrate until she had finished cutting my hair, put the scissors away and I had brushed my old hair off and let it fall onto the grass…
"I remember when Cory came here for the first time…" She suddenly broke the silence. "And I had to cut his hair…" She shook her head at the memory. "I did it on Finn when he was little. I'd forgotten how much I enjoyed doing it…" Silence fell again until Carole was the first one to break it again. "I know you know that already, but there are loads of things that are still going to change…" I nodded agreeing. "And… most of the times none of us will be able to fix it… But I hope you know that we will be there anyway… Both I and Burt and Mike and…"
"ME!"
When Kai was the one to interrupt her none of us were surprised, me the least.
"Yes. You too Kai."
"I… I…" I tried to say something, took a deep breath and started over. "I could never have known how much you guys mean to me… And I don't know what will happen next…"
All of it just flashed by. Coming here, Toby and Mr. Schue and Kai and Mike…
And Carole, Burt, Mike and I…
"I wish I could just close my eyes, and point at some random spot on a map of America. Or world… And then I'll move there and live happily ever after along with all of you."
That was the deepest thing I could even manage to say.
"Hang on…" Carole suddenly got up. "I have to go and get something." She went inside the house for a few seconds and then came back with a book full of maps. "Here…" She opened it on pages with a map on America. "It's not the whole world but… Close your eyes and point. And wherever you end up I promise I'll take you there."
If I could have frozen the moment right now. Burt, Carole, Violet and even the dogs, even Kai was silent for once.
I had wished to do this for as long as I could remember. And even now, when I didn't even know if I'd get to stay with Burt and Carole or go back to my biological family I wanted to more than I could have put into words.
And then, with one final deep breath as Carole held the book open in front of me I closed my eyes, moved my hand up and down and around…
Then I just pointed…
In court everything is probably wrong. It is briefly based on a scene in the eleventh episode of season two of life unexpected. In the court there's a lawyer (I think she is) defending Trey and questioning Lux. There's a judge and a man asking questions. Although this crime is bigger and everything. So during all circumstances I decided they would probably not have an audience.
I'm aware it is unrealistic with how everything just fits with Mr. Schue and Ellie and Keith and Ryan and everyone. But muse wants to go where muse wants to go.
Random fact
I actually did that (although I had planned to do it and did it at a hair dresser's) cut off most of my hair and donated it. And afterwards people have kept asking me if I could sell it. So- for anyone wondering. No! I did not get paid.
It's almost two years ago and I still feel like a superhero.
And that's it. In a few days I'll post a playlist of all of the songs used in this story. Then there's an epilogue and then it's all done.