Chapter 64
(Phoebe's POV)
Sawyer is officially one week old today. The nights have been extremely hard. She is up every 3 hours for about 30-45 minutes at a time. The longest block I have slept is 3 hours at a time. I am exhausted. Nathan is exhausted. This newborn thing is no joke.
I am getting Sawyer dressed for the day right now. She just ate so she is a happy girl. I put her in a white long sleeve onesie with light pink bloomers. I put on a matching pink bow. She looks absolutely adorable. We are taking her to the pediatrician today.
I take her downstairs and see Henry and Nathan playing Henry's new favorite game. Tag. Leave it to Teddy to teach Henry a game that involves all running when we have a 7 day old baby. I will get him back for that one.
"Tag mommy," Henry says and I smile.
"Oh no," I say and pretend to run over to Nathan.
"Tag daddy," I say and Nathan winks at me. Perv.
"Look how beautiful you look," Nathan says talking to Sawyer. I smile and let him pick her up. She does look extra cute today if it is possible.
"Sawyer has to go to docta," Henry says and I nod.
"She does," I say.
"Does she get shot?" He asks.
"Not today buddy," I say and he smiles.
"Good, I don't want sissy to get shots," he says and I smile kissing his head.
"Hen, guess who is coming over tonight?" I ask him.
"Bubs?" He asks and jumps up and down.
"Not Bubs, no. Cece and Will," I say and he smiles.
"They pway cars with me?" He asks and I nod.
Claire and William are going to come over and see the baby. I think Mia and Ethan are coming too. Mia has been dying to meet Sawyer. Everyone has been.
"I wanna go docta," Henry says and I smile bending down to him.
"Buddy, you are going to go with Berk and Cole today," I say to him. I would take him with us, but everytime he goes to the doctor he gets a cold or some sort of illness. Pediatricians offices are germ fests.
"No," Henry says and throws himself on the floor crying. Henry has been acting out this past week. I know it is because he is getting less attention than usual.
"Henry," I say in a stern voice.
"I know you are frustrated because you can't go with us to the doctor," I say to him. He keeps screaming and crying which sets Sawyer off. She begins to cry too. Nathan walks her out of the room.
"You can't come with us, but we are going to come back after and eat dinner together. Then mommy is going to give you a bath," I say to him trying to give him a sense of predictability.
"I hate sissy," Henry says and stomps his feet. I know he is only two, and he doesn't mean that, but I am emotional.
"Henry, that is not nice. We don't say that," I say to him. "You are going in the calm down corner," I say. We don't do time outs, but we do the calm down corner.
I pick him up and place him in the calm down corner. He is screaming and crying and kicking. I do not acknowledge the behavior. "Henry you are in the calm down corner because you are not listening and not being nice.I am going to come back in two minutes," I say. I walk away and walk out of the room.
I walk into the kitchen where Nathan has Sawyer and is rocking her. She is looking at him and holding onto his finger. She has been more alert these past couple of days. Henry is still crying in the other room.
"Calm down corner?" Nathan asks and I nod. He opens his free arm to me and I walk into him. I rest my head against his chest. He kisses my head.
"He needs to learn," Nathan says and I nod.
"Doesn't make it any easier," I say and Nathan nods.
"He said he hates Sawyer," I say sadly. I don't know why that broke my heart as much as it did.
"Babe, he is two. He doesn't hate anything," Nathan says rubbing my back. Gosh I am emotional today.
I go back to Henry after two minutes. He is in the calm down corner sitting. He is playing with his shoes. I go and sit down next to him.
"Are you ready to talk?" I ask him.
"Yep," he says and looks at me.
"Henry, it made me very sad when you weren't listening and said you hated Sawyer. We don't use the word hate in our house," I say to him. Henry has tears roll down his face.
"I'm sorry," he says. It breaks my heart to see him sad.
"We love you buddy. Mommy and daddy need you to listen," I say and he nods. He crawls into my lap and I hold him.
"I'm sorry mommy, I love you dis much," he says and holds out his hands wide.
I hugged him so tightly. I love this little guy more than words can say.
Nathan and I head out with Sawyer in the backseat. When we get to the pediatrician we head inside. I have Sawyer in her stroller. Nathan has his hand on the small of my back. I feel like a walking zombie.
The nurse hands us a clipboard of paperwork to fill out. I take some and Nathan takes some and we crank it out. I forgot how much goes into making a child a patient at a pediatrician's office.
We sit down back down after the mountain of paperwork and I pull the stroller cover to the side. Sawyer is still asleep. "How are you?" Nathan asks.
"Very in love with this life," I say and he kisses my head.
"Tonight, why don't we try pumping a bottle and see if she will eat it that way you can sleep," he suggests.
"We can try, that would be great," I say and he rubs my leg.
"Sawyer," a nurse says. She is friendly with Looney Tunes scrubs on. I keep her in the stroller and walk back to an exam room.
"I am Leah, I am going to be the nurse today, before we start, do you have any concerns?" She asks, washing her hands. I am getting Sawyer out of the stroller. She is in her cute little outfit still.
"No, I don't think so," I say and look to Nathan who shakes his head.
"Okay, we are going to measure her first. So if you could strip her down and take her diaper off," she says and pulls out the scale.
I take off Sawyer's clothes and diapers and lay her on the scale. "Okay so she has lost about 6 ounces since birth. That is completely normal, but since she was on the smaller side we want to be sure that she starts gaining weight. At the one month appointment we want her to be above birth weight," she says and I nod.
She measures Sawyer's head and checks her arms and legs. Sawyer stays asleep for all of it. "Okay Dr. Robinson will be here shortly," she says and walks out. I put Sawyer's diaper back on and pick her up.
"You don't think we have to worry about her weight do we?" I ask NAthan. He is a pediatric doctor, so I feel confident he would have mentioned something before this.
"No not at all. It is very common for babies to lose weight after they are born," he says and I nod. That is a relief.
"Here can you hold her for a sec," I ask. "I need to run to the bathroom," I say. I grab my diaper bag which also has pads in it.
"Is everything okay?" NAthan asks rocking Sawyer.
"Yep, just don't want to bleed through anything," I say and Nathan nods kissing my head. Sawyer is sleeping peacefully in his arms.
When I get back Dr. Robinson is on a stool talking to Nathan. She is Henry's doctor too, so we are familiar with her. "Hi Phoebe, how are you feeling?" She asks.
"Exhausted, but very lucky," I say and she nods smiling.
"She is a precious little girl," the doctor says and we thank her. We go through Sawyer's eating and sleeping patterns so far. She is very reassuring when I ask about how she is doing weight wise.
After that she starts checking Sawyer. She checks Sawyer's startle reflexes which causes her to cry. "Ohh shhh," Dr. Robinson says and picks her up, shushing her. She lulls Sawyer back to a peaceful state quicker than I have seen anyone do.
"Everything is looking good with her. I have no worries or concerns. How is big brother doing?" She asks. I look at Nathan.
"We had a bit of a rough week with him. He is acting out a bit more which is so unlike him. Today he said he hated Sawyer," Nathan explains and our doctor nods.
"That is completely normal. When there is a lack of attention kids due tend to act out. Sawyer also came early which meant there was less time to prepare him. I always give the same advice. Patience is key. He may start showing regressing behaviors with potty training and sleeping in his big boy bed. Have patience and know this is normal. I also recommend sticking to a routine where he has one on one time with each of you. In that time give him your undivided attention," she says and we nod. This is all great advice.
"It won't last forever. Make sure you praise him and recognize the good behaviors he shows when it comes to Sawyer," she says.
"Thank you so much Dr. Robinson," I say and Nathan is redressing Sawyer. She is back asleep now.
We head out and get into the car. Nathan and I stop and pick up subs for lunch. We also pick up Henry on the way back who in the car talks all about his fun day.
Nathan gets a call from his mom and he looks down frowning. He picks it up and I listen to the one sided conversation.
"What do you mean?" He asks.
"No, there is no way that is possible, are you kidding me?" He says and he sounds angry.
"Does Berk know?" he asks and I am starting to get that worried feeling in my stomach. I know this is about his dad.
"It never fuc- It never ends," Nathan sensors his swearing in front of the kids.
"Okay, that sounds good. Let me know what he says. I love you too. Anytime, they would love to see you," he says and I hear him say goodbye.
"What is going on," I ask as soon as the phone is put down.
"He is pressing charges," Nathan says and grips the steering wheel so hard his knuckles turn white.
"Who is?" I ask confused.
"James, against you. He says you threatened to kill him and assualted him," Nathan says. I actually laugh. Is this a joke?
"I had a newborn in my hand-" I start to say but am cut off by Henry.
"Momma, sissy smells," Henry says and just as he does I smell it too. Despite the news we just heard we have to laugh. We pull into our garage and I pick up Sawyer's car seat taking her inside.
When I pick her up I realize she had a blowout all up her back. Well there goes that outfit. I hold her up to Nathan.
"I am going to just throw away the whole outfit," I say and Nathan nods laughing. He is plating our food.
I deal with Sawyer's nasty diaper and put her in a fresh onesie. It is a grey onesie with white text that says "I love my daddy" I know Nathan will appreciate that. I swaddle her and take her downstairs where I find Nathan ticking Henry. His infectious laugh fills the kitchen.
"No more Daddy," Henry cries out laughing.
I hold Sawyer as we sit and eat. She wakes up and is hungry. I slip her under my shirt and let her breastfeed as I eat. Henry is in deep conversation with Nathan about his basketball practices. We signed Henry up for a little kids basketball team. To say Nathan is excited is an understatement.
"I be so good," Henry says and we smile.
"You will be so good Henry," I say and Hen smiles. I switch Sawyer to my other breast to finish eating. I am timing how long she is feeding.
"When do I go," Henry asks.
"In one week, we will go to basketball," I say. He has asked us about 500 times when he gets to go. Nathan bought him basketball shorts and shoes. I thought it was over the top, but I do have to say he looks very cute.
I clean up our lunch and see Nathan is pulling out the breast pump. I laugh watching him set it up. It is time for Henry's nap, so I put Sawyer down in the swing and go to get him.
We go upstairs and I put Henry in his bed. I read him Goodnight Moon and the Very Hungry Caterpillar. "Mommy?" He asks, turning to me.
"Yeah, buddy?" I ask him, running my hands through his light brown hair.
"You love me?" He asks.
"I love you more than all the moons and all the stars. I love that you are the best big brother to Sawyer," I say and he smiles.
"I love you too, I good big broder," he says and hugs me resting his head on my shoulder. Tears prick my eyes, He will always be my baby.
"Tonight Mommy is going to do your bath time while Daddy stays with Sissy," I say and he nods smiling.
I kiss his head and walk out. In the hallway I wipe my eyes. He is so sweet. All these hormones are making me out of whack. I walk downstairs and Nathan frowns walking over to me. Sawyer is still in the swing. She is awake staring at the mobile.
'What's wrong?" He asks, cupping my face in his hands. I shake my head.
"Nothing, Henry was just being super sweet and my emotions are all over the place," I say and he smiles holding me to him. I stay in his chest hugging him.
"Do you want to try the breast pump?" He asks and I nod.
"I set it up right and have the bottles ready," he says.
"You are the best," I say and go to sit on the couch. He brings it over.
He shows me how to use it and I nod. I slip off my shirt and he groans but covers it with a cough. HE resituates himself. My boobs have grown at least a cup size. I can tell Nathan is not minding that.
Not to mention we haven't had sex in over three weeks. The last two weeks of my pregnancy, I was having braxton hicks and couldn't sleep. Sex was the last thing on my mind. I start to wonder if Nathan is okay with that.
We haven't had sex and my body is completely different. My stomach has already gotten smaller, but still. I used to be very very thin. I am still trying to learn to adjust to this body. It is hard to when Nathan is muscular, tan, and effortlessly beautiful.
I attach the pump to my breast and hit the button. It makes a sound. I feel my boob being sucked into this thing. Oh that is uncomfortable. I look down and see that it is working. Nathan looks too and I shrug. Hopefully she'll take a bottle.
We sit quietly for a while. The sound of my breast pump filling the silence. I am starting to wonder if I should be doing more for Nathan. In all the years of us knowing each other, I have never looked like this or been unavailable for sex.
"What's going on in that head of yours," Nathan asks and I realized he picked up Sawyer while I was thinking. I reach over adjusting the hat on her head.
"Nothing," I say and he shakes his head. I watch as milk fills up the bottles. This is very fascinating. Dr. Greene told me I should aim for 15 minutes of pumping.
"I hate to say that in the 11 years we have been together, I know that nothing always means something," he says and I am looking down reading the instructions.
"Bee," Nathan says and takes the instructions from me. He is not going to let this go.
"I just was thinking about how different I look and feel," I say and Nathan puts his free arm around me rubbing my shoulder.
"Explain that to me," he says and I sigh. I am so exhausted and emotional. I don't know if I want to get into this.
"Hold on, I am done pumping," I say and turn off the machine. I wince as I pull off the breast pump too soon. Jeez that hurts. I take the bottles and put one in the fridge and leave one out as Sawyer will be hungry soon.
Nathan is holding Sawyer and practing holding things. She had a good grip. She looks so tiny when Nathan holds her. She is staring at him as he talks to her. To say he is swoon is an understatement. I can already tell she is going to be a daddy's girl.
"Talk to me," Nathan says as I sit. He is not going to let this one go.
"Nate, really it is nothing babe," I say and he frowns. He gently traces my cheek with his free hand.
"It is just, I don't know in the 11 years of knowing me I have never looked like this, I don't look like the Phoebe you fell in love with. And it is hard to adjust to this new body when I have always been small. It is also hard because you look the same sexy, I mean very very sexy Nathan," I say and he stands up putting a sleeping Sawyer in her doc a tot. He comes back and pulls me closer to him.
"Phoebe, you don't look the same because you carried a child for 8 months. My child. And I can't explain to you how sexy that is to me," he says and I nod.
"You always say that," I laugh and turn my head. I am trying to keep my emotions in check. He turns my head so I am looking at him.
"I mean that Pheebs, if anything I find you more attractive now. I didn't think that was possible because Bee let me tell you, I am so attracted to you. You understand how attracted to you I am. In a room full of people you are the only person I see, it has always been that way and it will stay that way. Watching you be a mother, is one of the sexiest things I have ever seen," he says. The damn breaks and he wipes my tears away.
"I never want you to feel self conscious, baby. Not now not ever. Baby, when I tell you, you have just gotten more beautiful I mean it. These drive me crazy," he says and trails a finger under my breasts.
"Your ass, well it has always driven me insane, but god when you turn around I have to force myself to look away," he says and I laugh.
"I just want to feel good in my body again," I say and he nods.
"I understand that, but Bee I want you to know that I find you just as sexy hell even more sexy than I did before you were pregnant. You are it for me okay?" He says and cups my face in his hands.
"I am sorry we can't have sex," I say as I feel his hardening member against my thigh. I believe him now.
"Don't apologize, Bee. I mean that. I don't want to hear those words come out of your mouth again," he says sternly.
"You just had a baby, and before that carried that baby for 8 months. If you think I am expecting you to jump into bed and be ready for sex, you are wrong. Dr. Greene says no sex before your 6 week week check up, and we are following that. If at the point you feel comfortable then we can, but if you want to wait another 6 then I will happily," he says. I believe him too.
"How did I get so lucky?" I ask.
"How did I get so lucky?" He repeats to me. I lean over kissing him hard. We make out for a while on the couch. I run my hands through his hair.
His tongue fights mine as we kiss passionately. I forgot how sensual making out is. We kiss all the time, but this is different. It brings me back to the days in high school when we would make out in the basement.
Sawyer starts to cry and I pull away breathlessly. "You're a hell of a kisser, Phoebe Moore," he says and I smile.
"You are too, Mr. Moore," I laugh. I grab the bottle and pick up Sawyer. I use the trick Dr. Robinson showed us. Pressing the bottle nipple down on her tongue encouraging her to latch.
She fights it and is crying. I almost pull away and whip out my boob, but Nathan encourages me to keep showing her the bottle. When a drop of breast milk gets on her tongue, she catches on.
She is whimpering, but slowly starts to take to the bottle. Finally, she latches on fully and starts sucking down the bottle. "Look at her go, she is a quick learner," he says and strokes her cheek.
She drinks until she is full and starts resisting the bottle. I pass her to Nathan who burps her against his chest. She lets out a couple of hiccup burps and Nathan puts her back in his arms.
"I am glad we got to talk," I say honestly to Nathan.
"If you ever need a reminder, you tell me," he says and winks. I blush and take the empty bottle to go wash it.
Later that night, Claire and William's family came over. Mia and Ethan and Isabelle and her boyfriend, Noah, are here. When they get to our house Claire wraps herself around me tightly. I haven't seen her in a while. Henry sees her and runs over.
"Cece," He says and pulls on her pants.
"I missed you so much," she says to me.
"I missed you more sweet girl," I say and hold her to me.
Claire bends down and dotes over Henry which he loves. I hug Mia and she is begging to see Sawyer. I pick Sawyer up out of her swing. I put her in a floral swaddle and rock her gently.
"You're kidding," Mia says as she takes her and rocks her.
"Hi sweet girl," I laugh as Mia holds her close, kissing her forehead. I look and see Claire and William playing cars with Henry. William has a hand on Claire's back. It is sweet to see. He is headed to USC in August. I wonder if they will stay together.
I talk to Isabelle and her boyfriend. He is in medical school, so he is talking to Nathan all about it. He is a very sweet kid. We ordered pizza for everyone. Sawyer is being passed around. Mia is currently feeding her another bottle.
Claire comes over to Nathan and I. Nathan wraps an arm around her and she gives him a hug. He asks how she and Susan are.
"My aunt is going to Thailand for 3 weeks," she tells us. I raise my eyebrows. Her aunt is leaving her home alone?
"When?" I ask her.
"Tomorrow," she says. I look at Nathan and we both have the same expression.
"DO you want to stay with us?" Nathan asks.
"You guys just had a baby, you don't need me on top of it," she says and I laugh.
"Claire you act like you are so much work, we would love to have you," I say. I want her to stay with us so she is not alone.
"I will talk to Susan, someone will have to watch the dogs and house," she says and I nod. I do not like the idea of her being alone.
"Yeah, Claire. Why don't you have Susan call us. We will happily have you," Nathan says. I can tell her really does not like the idea of her being alone.
"It's okay really," she says and Nathan looks at me. I give him a knowing look.
The rest of the night is spent passing around Sawyer and playing with Henry. I love this family of mine.