Chapter 64.

It had been peaceful for some time and Sam had only realised that he had drifted into a light sleep when he was awoken by a quiet sniffling sound. All the Winchesters knew what suppressed sobbing sounded like. "Cas?" he said, "What's wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong." said Cas, "I'm fine."

"Yeah. No. You're far from fine and you don't need to be fine." He went over and sat on the end of Cas's bed. "Was it a dream?" he said.

Cas wiped his tears away, irritated that Sam had witnessed them. "No." he said.

"This is what I'm here for." said Sam, "Tell me."

"She prayed."

"Jules? Jules doesn't pray."

"She hates praying. It dredges up all the pain of her brother's death and all her guilt about it. She's been in danger of death and she wouldn't pray to me for help. Once before, she prayed to get through to me when I needed her. Just now, she did it again."

"So what did she say?" said Sam.

"Don't tell Dean about this. Don't tell Dean that you saw me ... "

"Nothing that happens here gets reported back to anyone. It's just you and me here. I'm here to help you, not to get information for Dean."

Cas just looked at him warily.

"And if you need to call her, I can disappear for as long as you need me to." said Sam.

"I don't need to call her. I can't call her."

"What did she say?"

"That she loves me. That she's never giving up on me."

"Isn't that what the Bible verse meant?"

"Yes, but this came straight from her soul. When I broke up with her, she was angry. I thought she hated me. She had every right to hate me. She called me heartless."

"She's said that she didn't mean any of that. I'd say the prayer backs that up."

"I hurt her. I broke her heart."

"And she still loves you." said Sam.

"And she can't. I have to make her see that, or ... "

"Or what?"

"Or the Ben and Lisa solution. I purge her memories of me. I set her free, really free. So she can start again with someone worth her time."

Sam had never felt Dean was right to ask Cas to do that and he still saw it as one of Dean's biggest mistakes. It wasn't that he believed Dean and Lisa belonged together, but to steal that year from two of the three people involved, leaving it vivid and painful for Dean had seemed a terrible thing for all three and a cruel thing to ask of Cas.

This was worse, because Castiel and Jules did belong together and he was responding to an unconditional declaration of love with the idea of tearing that love out of her life forever, robbing her of even the memories. The thought of it hurt him, so he could only imagine what it would do to Jules if she knew it had crossed Castiel's mind and what it would do to Cas if he actually did it.

When he spoke, his voice sounded wrong, choked with emotion. "You can't do that, Cas."

"Not right now, but when my grace returns ... "

"I mean you shouldn't. I know you think you have a good reason to leave her, but to blank a part of her brain? To steal her memories, just because it makes it easier for you?"

"Easier?" said Cas, his own voice hoarse. "You think that would be easier? To be nothing to her? To not even exist as a memory in her mind? The moment I did it, I would die. Cas would be gone, replaced by Castiel, angel of the Lord who doesn't want him, servant of a Heaven that doesn't care. I would never again dare to feel anything."

"Thankyou." said Sam.

"For what?"

"For finally being honest with me. You know, being honest with her wouldn't be the worst idea in the world."

"I have always been honest with her."

"I mean tell her how much you love her and need her and how if you're nothing to her, you die." said Sam.

"This isn't about me. She needs to be free."

"She doesn't want that and you know she doesn't, because if she did, you wouldn't need to fry her brain."

"It will do her no harm." said Cas. Will, not would. Sam hated how sure he sounded about the insane idea.

"Why can't you talk to her?" he said.

"Because I don't know how to make her stop loving me." said Cas.

"You can't. We don't get to pick how other people feel about us."

"Then wiping her memory is the only way."

"Doing that to Lisa and Ben was torture to you and you weren't in love with either of them."

"I told you, I don't matter. It will give her peace."

"It will rob her of the only happiness she's found here. And you'll have to make her forget Jack too and Sarah and us. She'll be alone in a world that isn't hers."

"She has a father here. I could make him believe his daughter never died. I could give them each other."

"It wouldn't be real." said Sam.

"Nothing ever is!" said Cas and tears filled his eyes again.

"That's not true." said Sam, gripping his arm, "We're real, you, me, Jack and Dean. We're family. Jules is real. Your love for her and hers for you ... thats real. Why are you so afraid of it?"

"You'll never understand."

"You won't explain." said Sam.

"I can't explain." said Cas.

"She doesn't want some clone of her father. She wants you. She wants to help you with whatever you're going through. She prayed, even though she hates praying, because she wanted you to know that. Doesn't she deserve more than a violent robbery of her mind?"

"She deserves more than me." said Cas.

Sam gripped his arm tighter. "Listen to me, Castiel! Your head is all screwed to Hell. The things you think you know about yourself, they're all lies. You're not stupid. You're not heartless. It's true that she doesn't deserve you. We don't either. We can't, because we're just human, but we love you, all of us. We would die for you."

"I don't want anyone to die for me."

"Tough. You can't erase all our minds."

"Actually, I could." said Cas.

"Okay, but don't. You are allowed to be loved. You're allowed to have friends and a family and fall head over heels in love with a human."

"I think Heaven would argue."

"I think Heaven can go ... I think Heaven is the reason you're so messed up. Cas, don't try to kill her love for you. Ask yourself why she loves you so much."

"I do, every day. I assure you, I'm as baffled as you are."

"I'm not baffled, because I love you too, because you, Castiel Winchester, are too good for any of us and I am so scared that one day, you'll just blank all our minds and walk away and to be honest, I'd rather you just smote me on the spot. Don't do this terrible thing. You feel bad because you broke her heart. Don't make it worse by taking her memories too."

Cas bowed his head. "I don't want to make it worse. I just want to undo the harm I've done."

Sam hugged him. "Trust me. Don't do it. You're not thinking clearly. In your heart, you know she wouldn't want this."

"I don't know what to do." said Cas, collapsing against Sam's chest.

Sam patted his back. "It's okay, Cas. We're here to help. I promise you, we'll get through this together. Just promise me you won't take any memories from her."

"Okay." said Cas.

"Okay?"

"Yes. If you say it's wrong, I'll take your word for it. I don't exactly make good choices for myself."

"No, you often don't, but deciding to give love a chance ... that was one of your best."

"It doesn't feel like it right now." said Cas.

"I know. Look, try to go back to sleep. I'll watch over you."

Cas lay back down on the bed and Sam tucked him in as if he were a scared little kid. "I'm glad you're here, Sam." said Cas.

"I'll always be here." said Sam.

Cas closed his eyes. "I still don't know what to do."

"It'll all be better when you wake up. You'll see. Promise." He laid his hand gently on Cas's shoulder, remembering the many times Dean had comforted him when he felt scared and alone and uncertain.