A/N: I apologize for the wait for my update. I've recently been in and out of the hospital but am back on the mend. Anywho...here it is and I hope you enjoy the chapter.
Chapter 62 - Into the Looking Glass
Kat
Throughout the train ride back to the compound my smile never leaves my face despite the fact that my entire body is sore and aching from all the trauma it's been through lately. The fact that this was my second go-round didn't lessen the experience one bit. In fact, this time I didn't feel as guilty about my outing with the guys now that I got to share this with my sister and friends.
The noise levels are even louder than they had been on the way there, everyone is talking loudly and excitedly about what just happened, including my group of friends. I mainly stay quiet, content to just listen and catch what bits aren't drowned out by the sheer volume surrounding us.
"I can't believe they let us do it from the Space Needle!"
"I know right?"
"You know that there are going to be some salty people when they find out initiates were the first to be granted permission to zip-line from there."
"I know right? My sister was with the group that waited for us to drop. She looked as jealous as she was proud of me. It was funny to see her face all twisted up like that."
I silently laugh as that led to more of my fellow initiates talking about the reaction they received from the crowd at the end of our runs. I knew a good part of the buzz currently going on was the high we all got when we were welcomed by what felt like all of Dauntless there at the end.
Instead of the same big black pillow device I expected to drop into, I found a sea of Dauntless below me, all cheering and shouting encouragement to release into their waiting-linked arms. I hesitated for all of a second before doing what they were calling for me to do and I dropped right into their waiting arms, cheering right along with them.
The moment felt amazing. It was like I was being embraced as one of them, accepted. It was like being welcomed home.
Tris is smiling widely beside me, listening in to the others like I am, content to watch and enjoy the moment. When she catches me looking at her she leans in closer to me and bumps her shoulder with mine.
"Thank you," She says just loud enough for me to hear.
"For what?" I ask with a slight frown.
"For today. I wouldn't have been invited along to that if not for you." She says casually with a shrug.
"You never give yourself enough credit, Tris. You weren't invited because of me, I was just asked to pass the message along to you. You earned your invitation because the others all know what you still have trouble seeing, that you belong here. You have always been Dauntless."
Tris blushes and looks down for a few seconds before looking back at me and smiling.
"I think I was afraid to let myself believe that at first. It felt like that would be the ultimate betrayal to mom and dad. It was bad enough I left but embracing this part of myself…"
She trails off frowning, as if searching for the words while I nod in understanding. "It meant you had to let go of everything they taught us."
"Yeah," She agrees softly, a sad smile playing around her lips. "But I don't feel that way anymore. What they taught us doesn't make us weaker or less Dauntless...in fact...I know we're stronger because of them."
I'm overwhelmed by feelings at her words but I manage to smile and nod while fighting back tears. I also manage to ignore the tickle in the back of my mind that is begging me to warn her about the fine line we are both walking here in trying not to draw any more attention to ourselves. Maybe I should be paying more attention to it or at the very least caution my sister about allowing too much of our upbringing to influence her actions now. She might not be divergent but it can only help if I pass along the same warning I've gotten, if only to prevent others from trying to use our Abnegation against her.
I just can't bring myself to do that and ruin this moment with her.
"This is cause for a celebration." Uri crows from beside us drawing an eye roll or two from Lynn and Mar.
Tris just laughs and shakes her head. "When isn't there a cause for a celebration in your eyes, Uri?"
He pretends to think about it for a minute or so then breaks out in a smile and shrugs. "Never. There's always something to celebrate, Trissy. You just gotta see it the right way."
Our responses were pretty typical. Lynn harrumphed and Mar snuggled into his side while me and Tris laughed. This time though, there was something in my sister's eyes that told me Uri's enthusiasm was a little catching.
"Uh oh," Mar smirked looking at Tris and seeing the same thing. "I've seen that look far too often on, not just Uri, but your sister too not to recognize you're about to suggest something crazy."
"Hey," I squawk out my protest causing the others to laugh.
"She's not wrong though, Kat." Lynn says with a shrug. "Remember the time you suggested we should just learn survival skills on our own."
"Of course, you're conveniently forgetting that I only did that after having to listen to you whine for the millionth time that they stopped teaching them to dependents here." I huff and cross my arms over my chest.
"Or when you suggested to Uri that one of those survival skills should be hunting for food?" Mar continued on with a smirk.
"Yes...after he begged me to tell him what I learned while I was in Amity. It's not my fault he decided to take the suggestion of hunting for his own food literally. I meant just scrounging around the city. Not going on a damn hunt for rabbits."
At this point Tris has descended into laughing so hard, she's clutching her stomach, doubled over.
Peter, who had been mostly quiet since getting on the train, decided he was finally over the trauma of zip-lining and was ready to join the conversation.
"Why the hell would you pick rabbits to hunt?" He asks, looking at Uri incredulously.
"I thought they would be easiest to get to since we see them all the time at the edge of our sector." He answers with a frown. "I didn't realize the little buggers would be so hard to catch."
"Well, I wasn't thinking about hunting rabbits or anything like that. I was actually thinking of a way we could celebrate, one that I think is right up your alley, Mar." Tris states, getting us back on topic after the laughter died down a little.
"Really?" My friend asks excitedly. Meanwhile, I'm looking worriedly between my sister who is definitely smirking pretty damned hard, and my friend who seems to have developed some kind of mental link to Tris because she ends up squealing in happiness. "Makeover time?"
"Yes, makeover time. That is…" Tris pauses and looks at me with a raised eyebrow. "If the rest of you are up to the challenge."
"Oh no she didn't," Lynn grumbles with a scowl, glaring at Tris before she gives up with a smile when my sister doesn't back down from the challenge. "Fine, I'm game. I was just thinking I could use a little color up top."
I nod in agreement with a weary sigh. "Yeah, okay."
Mar's answering squeal of happiness is so loud it has heads turning to look at us from all over the car while those closest, myself included, cover our ears.
"Was that really necessary?" Peter mutters under his breath and slumps back dejectedly and looks to be casting his eyes up as if praying for deliverance when Mar begins to grill me and Tris on what she's allowed to subject us to.
Despite still riding the high, I realize that I likely have a long, long night ahead of me now that Mar has virtually been unleashed.
**** Worth Fighting For ****
The normal buzz of the dining hall seems to magnify as soon as our group enters the next morning. It could be my imagination but I can't help thinking a little of that chatter is about me and Tris.
I guess I didn't really expect a reaction from anyone other than the transfers, and that happened as soon as we finally made it back to our dorm. Christina seemed torn between disbelief, jealousy and giddy eagerness to talk all about the changes we made. Molly, of course, had a scathing comment or two ready for us but quieted pretty quickly when she realized no one was listening to her. The rest stared a bit but moved on pretty quickly.
I didn't see what the big deal was since I wouldn't say we looked completely different than when we left that morning. At least not in my eyes, but Lynn mentioned we seemed different even before the makeovers started. Something inside of us had changed and that seemed to magnify the physical changes we made since they themselves weren't really all that radical.
It turned out we both secretly had ideas in mind of the types of haircuts we wanted for when we eventually made that move.
My sister went for a sleek and shiny style that left her once waist length hair to just brush over her shoulders. The stylist called it a bob cut and suggested that Tris allow her to do something to her hair that would enhance the natural highlights she already had in her hair. I was against that because I hated the thought of my sister coloring her hair at all and admitted as much to her, saying I had always been envious of how alive her hair looks because of the mix of colors.
We also learned something about each other we never knew, because Tris admitted she had always been envious of how my hair seemed alive because of how it is a combination of wavy and curly hair. It made her feel like hers was limp and dull in comparison.
The stylist reassured us both she wasn't looking to change the colors or nature of either of our hair, instead, she would just bring them out a bit more. Intensify them.
I didn't cut as much of my hair as Tris did and by the time all the coloring, cutting and styling was over it ended up reaching to the bottom of my shoulder blades. Like my sister, the stylist opted to enhance the best quality of my hair, which turned out to be its natural tendency to be a wild mess of waves, curls, and straight hair by doing a longer version of my sister's cut with the addition of layers.
The makeovers didn't stop there though, not with Mar in charge. She finally got her chance to subject us to the things we begged off of before now, like hair removal from various areas of our bodies.
Just about when I thought there couldn't possibly be anything left for us to do it turned out that Tris had another trick up her sleeve and suggested that maybe it was finally time to get a piercing or two, now that fights were over.
Lynn was over the moon about that until she realized we weren't going to do more than simple ear piercings to start out with. At least, that was my plan until I caved under the pressure of those puppy dog eyes she was flashing at me and got a nose piercing too. Just a small stud on the left nostril, but that small concession was enough to make my friend happy.
We ended the night, exhausted but completely happy with the results, and I still am, despite the apparent attention it seems to have drawn to us. I hadn't been nervous before but now, as I grab food and coffee to put on my tray, I feel a bit of that creeping in on me. I'm not so much nervous about the attention from the others, but more because I've just now begun to wonder what Eric will think of the changes.
Will he like them? Will he even care about them? Should I expect him to give a shit after what happened between us? Do I want him to care or like them?
Those are the questions that plague me through the rest of breakfast, leaving me to only pick at the food I was ravenous for only an hour before now. I manage to choke down some of my breakfast while consuming more coffee than anything, mostly caught up in my own miserable thoughts and doubts. I got lucky that no one said anything to me about that. Not after Four and Lauren passed by our table on the way to the upper level where those higher ranking officers and leaders sat. Once they saw them, everyone became really serious and got caught up in their own thoughts.
I swallowed a gulp of coffee and tried not to crane my neck much to see who else might already be up there. Mainly because I already had the distinct feeling that Eric was up there and that he just hadn't shown himself yet. I knew that he would be soon, now that everyone in charge of training was up there together getting ready to kick the next stage off.
Things got tense really quick at the table when a small group approached the railing of the upper levels that consisted of Max, Eric, Chase, Four, and Lauren. Max seemed to be speaking earnestly to the others about something, so none of them were paying attention to the lower level. No one but Eric, who seemed to be scanning the room casually while listening to what was being said at the same time.
To anyone paying attention, including me, it seemed he might be making sure all the initiates were present for whatever came next since his gaze seemed to sweep over our groupings with the barest of hesitations. It wasn't until one of those hesitations landed on me that I knew he hadn't been just making sure everyone was here but he was actually looking for me.
It happens so fast it makes my head spin, the way his eyes move over me before they move on, but not before I see the slight upwards tilt of his lips or the smallest flare of his nostrils. I didn't have time to dwell on what that could've meant before Four stepped forward and called out to us.
"Initiates! You have two minutes to wrap up breakfast and muster in the Pit." His words ring out from his place on the second level, drawing everyone's attention. He stands there long enough for him to make sure everyone hears him before he turns to leave, closely following behind the others.
Suddenly, all thoughts of anything other than what we're about to be subjected to fall away leaving a bad taste in my mouth.
Uri curses, looking slightly pale, but still manages to shovel the last of his food into his mouth. On either side of him Mar and Lynn both look strained but make no attempt to continue eating. Instead they begin to get ready to leave. I realize as I glance at their trays that they haven't been able to eat any more than I had. Another glance around the table and I see more trays than not are mostly still full of food.
I don't know how many of the initiates other than my group have at least a general idea of what will be happening in this stage. After my talk with Zach, I almost envy those that only know that much about it. My hands start to shake as I follow my friends example and gather my stuff to drop off before I leave the dining hall. Despite working so hard not to show how nervous or scared I am right now, that small sign still escapes me.
If I didn't understand why it was necessary for him to explain everything to me, I would be cursing my well-meaning friend right now. As it is, I guess I should be thanking him that I now know how to avoid giving any indications of my divergence during the sims.
We file out of the dining hall and head to the Pit until we are all standing, waiting to be told what to do next.
Out of everyone Tris looks the least bothered by what might be in store for us. I know for a fact that my friends informed her what the second stage was likely to be during my time in the clinic. Only because I know her do I know that this stoic face she has isn't because she doesn't care or isn't concerned, but because she's trying to put aside anything she might be feeling to be there for me and the others.
I can't help smiling a little as I see how the people around us, starting with Lynn but then carrying over until even Christina, seems to take some kind of comfort from how she's handling things.
After all, if the stiff isn't afraid, why should the others be, right?
I'm grinning ruefully when Four passes our group from behind and barks out, "Follow me," while barreling right on.
We scramble to do what he says and follow the fast pace he sets as he leads us to an area I had yet to explore so far. The path takes us up a few flights of stairs and down corridors that progressively lose the familiar rough and rugged construction that makes up the lower regions of the compound. We are now in an actual building that looks disturbingly hospital like in nature, with its white sterile walls and floors. Our journey ends at a disorientingly long stark white hallway, with hard plastic chairs lining the sides and ending at two closed white doors at the end of it.
The only thing breaking up the noxious white seems to be where Eric, Chase and Lauren are all standing and where Four stops to join them before turning to face us again.
The group comes to a shuffling stop a few feet away from the stern group facing us and we wait in tense silence until Eric drawls out a greeting.
"The fact that you're still here should make it obvious, but just in case you needed it spelled out for you...congratulations, you've made it past the first stage and have now moved on to the second." He finishes dryly and with not a bit of enthusiasm in congratulating us.
In fact, by the time he's finished speaking he's frowning heavily. I can't help but notice that his frown began when his eyes landed on me for a few very long seconds. Then his expression goes cold and he moves his eyes away from me to slowly sweep over the group again. Moving from person to person, one by one, and holding everyone under his scrutiny for what I'm sure felt like an eternity.
"Before we get into what you will be facing in the coming weeks it's time to address events that have taken place recently. I'm sure the fact that one of your peers is no longer here is fresh in your minds. I know it's fresh in mine, as well as that of all of leadership, and it will continue to be so. I have not forgotten, nor will I forget, the fact that this person is gone because of an attack to purposely remove him. An attack that was a blatant act of cowardice. For anyone who doesn't know or who has forgotten how Dauntless feels about cowardice, by all means...let me know and I will give you a personal reminder. I can promise it will be just as eye-opening for those who were responsible for the attack or anyone who had knowledge of it before or after when we've found them. Let this serve as a warning for anyone here that might be taking it in their minds that doing something like that could secure you a spot in the future, think again. You will be punished fully and under Dauntless justice...not the cities. If you don't know what that means...ask. I'm always willing to educate the ignorant."
Eric ends his speech with a twisted smile that sends shivers of fear down even my spine. Around me there is a lot of audible gulping and nervous shifting as the menace of his speech and thinly veiled threats hangs over all of us. It's clear that he suspects the attackers are among the initiates and he's letting that be known. I glance at the other instructors to see if they feel the same way and am startled that all of them, even Chase, look surprised by Eric's speech and revelations.
By Four's alternating expression of surprise and suspicion, I know this hadn't been planned or expected from Eric at all.
Before I can wonder at this turn of events, Chase clears his throat and steps forward, getting us back on track.
"At the beginning of the first stage, you were informed that its purpose was to challenge you physically. For this next stage, you will be challenged mentally. Despite what the rest of the city might believe, it is important for all Dauntless to be mentally sharp in order to be ready to deal with any situation that might come our way. So, instead of reporting to the training room you will assemble here three days a week to undergo this next stage. You will still be expected to report to the training room on the days not spent here where you will participate in the same physical aspects of your training as in the first stage with the major change being that the groups will be combined from here on. However, though you will not be required to fight, sparring is still allowed and even encouraged."
Chase looked over to Four and nodded for him to continue then he and the others turned to enter their respective rooms to wait while he finished the instructions.
"So, this is how things will work. You report here at the normal start of training time and take a seat until you are called, one by one, into one of the rooms with either myself and Eric or Chase and Lauren. You are required to wait here and not leave until you have had your turn. The only exception will be dismissal for lunch. Also, due to the nature of the activity you will be engaged in during this stage, leadership has decided that after you have taken your turn and are dismissed, you may spend the rest of that day however you like while still adhering to lights out. Am I understood?"
"Yes, sir," I confirmed as firmly as I could while feeling as shaken as I do. Obviously, I'm not alone because it takes a few seconds before everyone replies as well.
Despite the less than lackluster response he nods and turns without another word then disappears into the room Eric entered and closes the door behind him. As soon as the click is heard, everyone breathes out obvious breaths of relief and ambles off to take a seat to one side or another of the room.
My group heads for the seats but Lynn puts her hand on my arm to hold me back a little and looks over me critically. "That was an interesting development."
"What do you mean?" I ask her, trying to play dumb as we slowly move to take seats with our friends. Her response is immediate, she lifts an eyebrow and gives me a look that plainly lets me know she isn't buying my ignorance. "Yeah, it was unexpected."
She frowns as she sits beside me and leans closer. "Was it really though?"
I take a second to think about my response, wondering if I should or can tell her about what happened until I realize I can't get into that anyway. Not here.
"Well, it seemed like Eric made his position clear in the pit." I decide to hint at why I might be surprised by his words.
She frowns and takes a breath, like she's about to ask me something else, but doesn't get the chance as one door opens and Chase steps out followed directly by the other door opening and Four stepping out.
"Peter," Chase calls out.
"Kat," Four follows suit just a heartbeat later.
Tris's hand immediately shot out, searching for mine and squeezing it tightly as she gave me an encouraging nod. Mar reached over my sister to put her hand on my arm and repeated the gesture. From beside her Uri gave me a thumbs up and a weak smile.
"Kickass, girl," Lynn softly intoned as I stood up. I looked down at Lynn who was smirking at me with a clear challenge in her eyes while she motioned with her chin, cautioning me to not show any fear I might have right now.
I nod tersely and jut my chin out then turn and walk towards Four, waiting with the door open behind him. I see the others craning their necks trying to get a look into the room I'm about to enter but all any of us can see is another white room.
My anxiety levels shot up immensely. Even with Zach having prepared me somewhat the night I spent in his apartment, I'm still not ready to do this. I visibly cringe and jerk at the sound of the door closing behind Four as he enters behind me. It isn't until I get into the actual room itself that I'm able to see anything, and what I see has me stopping in my tracks when I realize what was sitting in the center of the room.
There are only two things in the room, both are almost identical to what was in the room the day of my aptitude testing. The chair is the same shape as the one I sat in that day, the only difference being that it's stark white instead of black. The computer that Eric stands beside looks mostly the same, but much bigger and advanced than I remember the other being.
I look at Eric and swallow, half wanting to break down and plead for him not to make me go through this. I see his eyes soften for just the barest of seconds before he swallows and they harden.
"Sit," He commands me gruffly then turns away from me.
Four takes this as his cue to explain everything to me and how this is different than the aptitude testing.
"Wait. That means...that means you're both essentially going to be able to see what's going on in my mind?" I gasp out, unable to keep the mortified feeling from my question or stop how I know I just turned ten shades whiter than I already am at just the thought of what they might see.
For different, and honestly very similar, reasons I don't want either of the men to witness what might lurk in mind. Especially some of the memories they could possibly be subjected to.
"Is that a problem, initiate?" Eric's tone is ice but the veins pulsing in the forearm part of his crossed arms let me know he's not feeling as calm as he sounds.
"Yes," I blurt out in a shriek as I feel panic swirling in my gut.
Their reaction is so similar I wish I had a mirror I could turn on them at this moment. Maybe the momentary shock it would give them would allow me to slip the hell out of here and escape. They both flash me a very hurt look before they remember themselves and mask it with their own versions of their hard masks. I swallow the panic and let out a breath, trying to muster up the strength I'm going to need.
"I mean...no...it's not a problem." I slide into the chair shakily. "Not like there's any other choice is there?" I mutter, intending it to be quiet and under my breath.
"No," Their combined voices echo through the room, putting the final nail in my coffin.
I grumble as I shift and try to settle into the chair then slam my eyes closed and set about trying to calm my breathing and heart rate, both of which are completely out of control at the moment. My plan, the one Zach and I came up with, had always been to try to go into this with both of those as calm as I could possibly get them.
The way the sims work, he told me, is that they end if both of those are under a certain threshold for a specific amount of time. We figured if I went into it already at a certain level by using my meditation technique then I would be well on my way to maintaining it. I try very hard to focus and go through my mantras while I feel things are being attached to my head but I know I'm failing by the racing heart and clammy hands that are clenched tightly together in my lap and how close I am to panicking.
A hand on my chin stops the spiral when I instantly recognize it as Eric's touch. I turn my head in the direction he's guiding me and open my eyes. I admit, I almost want to slam my eyes shut again when I see the injection gun in his hand, poised and ready to go any second.
What I see in his blue eyes stops me from giving in to that desire. He's left them unguarded and open enough to see the mix of emotions he must be feeling worry being chief among them. I hear the swift click of the injection gun before I ever feel the sharp pinch of it on the side of my neck. That's quickly followed by the ghosting of his thumb over the spot, as if even here and now, and after everything that's happened, he wants to try and ease my pain.
"It's sixty seconds before it takes effect," He mumbles without moving his eyes from mine.
I nod but I can already feel it working. I feel something happening. There's a tug or a pull from inside my mind...it feels like…
"Be brave."
The words are an echo in the darkness as I fall. I'm falling forever it feels like. Down, and down the rabbit hole I go just like Alice did, but I'm pretty sure I won't be finding Wonderland at the bottom.
**** Worth Fighting For ****
"Where am I?" My words come out slightly slurred as I stumble forward in the darkness. The feeling of disorientation is slowly fading but it still doesn't help me make sense of where I am and why I'm here.
I slow my steps as the darkness starts to fade and more of my surroundings seem to be painted into being.
"I know this place," I breathe out in relief as I walk more confidently now that I know my terrain.
I walk forward quickly and come to a stop at a specific spot in the wall. I crouch down and pull on the loose stones I know are there to reveal a hiding spot. Somewhere in my mind, I know that it should be empty right now. It hasn't been used in years but once upon a time, it held some very important treasures. Letters to and from my only friend. Items we found for each other as gifts then kept safe here in our hiding spot.
The glint of metal catches my eye and I reach in to pull out two of our most prized items, our throwing knives. I grin as I turn them over in my hands and spy the rough etching of our initials on the handles. T.J.E on Tobias' knife and M.K.P on mine. I still remember the day he showed up with them, already engraved for us. It was one of the happiest memories I have of my early years. These knives aren't the sharpest or best made but they always served us well. They were also important to me because Tobias got them as a show that he understood what it would mean to me, that he essentially understood and saw me. That more than anything had meant the world to me.
I hold my knife in the palm of my hand and run my fingers over where my initiates are carved in and can't help but laugh and smile at the memory of my reaction when I first saw he used my full name instead of just K.P.
I wasn't really that upset but I just couldn't resist teasing him. I only kept up my scowl for about three seconds before I burst into laughter at his stammering apology and offering to try and get a new one while assuring me he would definitely remember to put the right initials on that one. He looked offended at first that I played a joke on him but eventually he laughed along with me.
Laughter was a rare thing for Tobias Eaton. He was such a serious person by nature, but the circumstances of his upbringing made him even more of a somber person than he should have been. That wasn't to say he didn't joke. It was just more of a dry, sarcastic...even dark at times...humor.
I close my hand around the knife and shut my eyes with a smile, cherishing the treasure of a memory finding this knife again brought back to me. I'm still smiling as I look up and around the building I'm in, reflecting on how long it's been since I've allowed myself to even think of this place, much less step foot in it.
The building is where Tobias and I used to meet before everything went to hell. In fact, this was the place where it all went to hell the day I found Marcus beating my friend with his belt.
My smile starts to fade as the memories surface.
I had no way of knowing that I would soon look just as broken and defeated as he did, with his shirt raised and the welts already forming on his back from the lashes he already received.
I had no way of knowing that in this place I once felt so safe, I would come face to face with true evil while it wore a smile and tried to speak comforting words of piousness.
A shuffling from behind me startles me and I whip around to look for its source. I might have been slightly disoriented before, but I'm not right now and I know that something is off. I shouldn't be here but I know for damn sure nothing else should be either.
I clench a knife tightly in each of my hands and peer into the darkness and shadows that seem to have crept in from nowhere. More shuffling until a figure starts to emerge from the shadows.
"There's no need to worry, dear," Soft honeyed words proceed whoever it is. There's a lulling quality to the tone and I feel the edges of worry trying to recede away.
Another shuffling step forward and the hypnotic tone pushes against my psyche, trying to calm me but for whatever reason, it can't. A shiver of fear runs through me and increases with every step it takes towards me. When the first rays of light finally hit it, my body vibrates in horror.
It's smiling at me, a serene smile that slowly starts to morph into a grotesque mue as an evil laugh comes from its mouth.
"I'll feast on your flesh as I feed on your fear…"
"Oh shit!" I scream as my body jerks into action and I launch myself into battle.
**** Worth Fighting For *****
I startle awake, gasping and instantly wince in pain and start to groan. I try to sit up, immediately I'm hit by a stronger wave of pain at the same time as someone speaks up to caution me needlessly.
"I wouldn't try that if I were you, stiff?"
I groan heavily and clench my eyes shut before tiredly opening them back up to look at Peter Hayes sitting on the edge of my bed looking at me worriedly.
"What happened to me this time?" I try and snap out only for it to come out as a pained whimper.
I'm getting really tired of coming to like this.
Peter bites his lip trying to contain a laugh after I unknowingly speak out my last thought. "I'm not entirely sure but I do know that you came out of your fear fighting pretty hard and had to be subdued before you did more damage. There's a rumor you got a hold of a knife during that somehow and cut up Four. Again, I don't know if that's true or not. I was already done with my fear and in here by the time Zach brought you in after being checked out at the clinic."
Before he's done speaking it all starts to come back to me.
Every. Horrifying. Second. Of. It.
From the fear (which I wisely decide not to review at the moment since just thinking about it for the few seconds I do almost launches me into a full blown panic) to what happened after I came out of my fear.
I groan even louder when I realize he's right. I don't remember how I got the knife either but there certainly was one, and Four was certainly on the receiving end of it before everything went dark.
I shake my head and wince at the sharp shooting pain in my neck then glare at Peter when he hands me an ice pack that came dislodged in the process. With a grumble I grab it from him and slap it back into place.
"Perfect. Just freaking perfect! Not only do I have to deal with a fear straight from the seven circles of hell, I also have to worry about not killing anyone during the process."
Peter chuckles quietly and looks like he's contemplating saying something, or asking me something, but he stops as soon as I turn a murderous glare on him. He sighs and shakes his head before telling me I should get some more rest and then moving off to his own bed to lay down.
I watch him go, realizing he's moving slowly as if he's not altogether steady on his feet. I also realize now that he's looking decidedly pale with a tinge of green, as they would say. Apparently. I'm not the only one who had a hard time with the fear.
'At least his didn't turn him homicidal,' I think to myself bitterly.
I do try and follow his suggestion to get more rest but everytime I close my eyes flashes of my fear creeps in and leaves me shuddering. I give up and start to try and make sense of the form my fear took and come up with nothing.
Zach did warn me that these fear sims aren't always ones that have some deeper hidden meaning, that they can often be taken at face value. For instance, a sim about being in water with the threat of drowning could be literally just the fear of drowning.
That just doesn't seem exactly right for this fear though. Because I can't for the life of me figure out why I would have become so terribly afraid of clowns to react the way I did. Despite trying not to think about it overly much, I end up spending the remainder of the time while I wait for my sister to turn up mulling over things.
By the time she joins me in the dorm, looking extremely shaken and pale, I've come up with a few theories. The main one being that I must have developed the fear when I once tried to read a horror book I snuck out of the school library where the main villain was a demonic clown that lived in the sewers preying on kids.
Not the best choice of reading material for a young impressionable thirteen year old girl from Abnegation. I didn't get past maybe the first dozen chapters before I gave up. Books were my escape from a life that had taken a very bad turn in recent years and as often as I could I got lost in the pages that contained such interesting worlds within. That particular book was one that I felt confident no one needed to visit again. Now that I think about it, I was so upset I literally buried the book so it would never haunt anyone else.
I scoot over to allow Tris to sit beside me on the bed after she made it clear that's what would be happening.
"We don't need to talk about it if you don't want to, Kat." She automatically reassures me after she gets settled, causing me to sigh in relief. A relief that's short lived after she also gives me a warning. "But you should know that the others are going to want to grill you. We all know something happened in the room, we all heard it just before Eric dragged you out of there tossed over his shoulder."
"Great," I mumble then frown as I look her over. "How are you doing? I mean...I know you had that reaction to the serum for the aptitude test. Did this make you sick?"
She shrugs and tries to smile. "I do feel a bit light-headed and queasy but...nothing like what happened during the aptitude test occurred. Maybe because I didn't have to drink this one?"
I nod thoughtfully and tense when another initiate is brought in. Tris and I watch worriedly as Will is helped into the dorm by two people wearing the scrubs from the clinic then laid down on his bed, where he groans and rolls over onto his side and goes quiet.
For the next few hours we watch as one by one the dorm starts to fill up again. Will's not the last one that needs to be helped here in some form or fashion. A few have to be carried in and seem to be out of it. When Drew asks what happened with Molly after she's brought back in this state, the person from the clinic shrugs and replies she needed to be sedated.
It appears that everyone has had to at least be taken to the clinic to be looked over before they are brought back to the dorm.
It makes us worried about our Dauntless friends until just before lunchtime Lynn comes into the dorm to drag us to the dining hall. She assured us on the way that the others were shaken up but were okay and waiting for us there.
She even took pity on the other transfers and loudly called out to everyone, saying that her sister suggested everyone eat something and it would help to settle any quesiness they might be feeling from the serum. This seemed to rouse the others enough to have them shuffling along after us out of the dorm and to the dining hall.
A bit more quietly she told me and Tris that the kitchens went out of their way to make more cake then they normally did because they found the chocolate helped the initiates during this stage. Most members, in deference to what they knew we were all going through, would refrain from getting any cake for themselves just so they made sure if we found ourselves wanting more, it would always be available.
I wrinkled my nose and resigned myself to having to eat some of the cake just so my friends wouldn't worry about me.
I finally broke down and told them I wasn't as much of a fan of the chocolate cake. I guess going so long little to nothing that was sweet has forever affected my taste buds. Don't get me wrong, I do like sweets, I just prefer different things than chocolate. In fact, my favorites happen to be the ones I had during my exile to Amity. One of the few bright spots of that time.
The buzz and chatter seems to die down a bit when all the initiates enter the dining hall together. Even the Dauntless-born were waiting just outside of it instead of going in. As one big,but far from happy group, we head to the lines which seem to miraculously lose the few people who were still in them.
It almost makes me uncomfortable how accommodating the faction seems to be behaving. Then again, when I think about, every single man and woman here would have first hand experience of just how bad these sims can be.
I move through the line mechanically taking the food I've given. It doesn't really hit me until I'm almost through it that I haven't once picked my own food like I would normally. I was handed something and I took it. A glance around at the others and see they seem to be doing the same. We're all a bunch of shuffling zombies right now.
Conversation resumes as we all move to a table. By some unspoken agreement the initiates (transfer and dauntless-born) have decided to stick to together, at least for today.
As I'm walking beside Lynn to the table I start to notice more and more chatter. I don't really think much about it until I start to catch bits of the conversation from the table beside ours and I realize they're talking about me and what happened with Four.
"Does all of Dauntless know?" I seethe out loud rhetorically since it's pretty obvious they do.
My best friend cast me a sympathetic look and shrugs. "You got the upper hand on Four, or at least that's what the rumor going around says happened in that room. So yeah, all of Dauntless knows."
"What really happened there? Was it your fear?" Christina asks from beside Tris, sounding tired and without the usual tone she has whenever she talks to me.
There's no way I'm going to talk about my actual fear. I already know that trying to talk about it would mean I would have to describe it, and there's no way I want to chance I'm going to have a similar reaction to it outside of the fear that I do inside. Until I know if the serum affected my reaction I can't take the risk.
But I see by the looks around, and the craning ears from the table beside us, that I need to say something. So I go with what it feels like caused me to fight so damn hard.
"You know how when something happens, there's that moment when you know you either need to run or fight? Or even when it seems like you've forgotten how to think much less move your body, so you just freeze all together?"
I pause and look around, seeing the others nodding while looking at me curiously...wondering where I'm going with this.
I sigh tiredly and shrug. "Well, apparently two out of my three instincts are missing and all I could do was fight. When I first came out of the sim I didn't realize I was out and I was still trying to literally fight back."
I hear a few mumbled comments from around me as I look down at the table. Most of them are things like, makes sense and simple oh's. I look back up and see Lynn frowning hard and nodding.
"It felt like I was still drowning when I came out of my sim. I was still fighting for breath and flailing around. I don't know how long it really took before Chase got through to me that I was fine and telling me it was over."
There are even more nods but no one else seems all that ready to share their own experiences. It doesn't surprise me that it's my sister who goes next or that she tries to reassure everyone when she does.
"After I came out of mine, Four told me that the first one is always the hardest. That it always seems to make the person have the strongest reaction but that it gets better after that." She's quiet but so is the table as they seem to hang on her every word.
So even though her tone is soft, the fact that she manages to say it firmly and with conviction and that makes everyone start to believe it too.
The conversation about what all just went through ends with that and we begin to eat. At first, it's just as mechanically as we moved through the line getting the food but that slowly starts to fade and people start eating with a bit more enthusiasm. Especially they realize there are huge slices of cake on each of our plates.
"Holy shit, I have two slices of cake on my plate." Of course it was Uri who shouted that out. Much like the rest of us, until now he had been eating without really seeing what was on his tray much less what he was putting in his mouth.
Although to be honest, Uri didn't really care what he was shoeveling in his mouth as long as it filled his seemingly ever empty stomach. The one and only exception was his precious cake.
This drew everyone's attention to their trays. My eyes snapped to my tray in horror that I might be subjected to eating two pieces of the overly sweet and rich chocolate cake. When I saw what was there I was frowning because instead of two pieces of chocolate cake there was only one.
The second piece looked very similar to...
"Is that?" Tris starts but trails off, picking up that slice of cake and sniffing at it. I follow suit as a smile starts to spread across my face.
"It is!" I confirm with a little laugh.
"None of us understand your twin speak, stiff. What the hell is it?" Peter growls from beside me, eyeing both pieces of cake suspiciously.
I start to answer but Uri does it for me, scowling at Peter (who dares to criticize his precious). "It's apple spice cake." He says bluntly with a huff then blushes as he looks at me and Tris. "It's the cake I was trying to make when I broke into the kitchens. Joyce said she would make it at some point if I promised to never, ever try to cook anything again. She's afraid I might burn Dauntless down by trying to cook when I get my own place. Apparently mom told her about the noodle incident."
My blush matches my sisters when we realize the gesture our friend was making. Like my sister and pretty much everyone else at the table, I decided to skip the other food and dig right into the tart and sweet cake. Neither of us has the make show of enjoying the unexpected treat. That comes honestly as we settle down to listen to Uri tell the story about how bad his skills are in the kitchen.
By the end of lunch, after several other stories from the other initiates about their experiences trying to make themselves food, I'm breathing easier.
I've left the worry of my fear behind for the next time I have to go back down the rabbit hole.