AN: Thanks so much for all the reviews on the last chapter, I really appreciated your input!
I decided to provide pieces of the talk between Hailey and Jay in some flashbacks from Jay's point of view and not write a complete play-by-play, this chapter has already gotten longer than I estimated in the beginning. I hope you like another emotional roller-coaster ride :-)

Chapter Title "Don't leave me lonely" by Mark Ronson feat. Yebba

DISCLAIMER: I do not own any of the Chicago PD, Fire or Med characters, only my OCs!

Nothing good could ever come from the day after your longtime partner and friend told you she was leaving for New York and had pressed a cryptic message as well as a totally unexpected kiss on you.
Getting into work early Jay had hoped he could talk to Voight alone before the team arrived, but his sergeant would have none of it. When he approached his boss in his office first thing, Voight seemed to know by the look on Jay's face what he wanted to talk to him about and abruptly shut him down:

"I am not having this conversation with you Jay!"

"Sarge…"

"I really am not!"

Jay knew the tone, it was a clear warning to back off that he would have chosen to ignore just for the sake of getting some answers he felt he deserved. Maybe reverse things, however unnecessary his attempt, because they were already in motion, settled, end of discussion. But then everyone else started to file into the bullpen and the chance passed. He certainly didn't feel like getting his ass handed to him in front of the whole team. Jay was however wondering how Voight would explain Hailey's absence.

Rojas looked like she hadn't slept all night and her eyes were a little puffy as if she had been crying a lot. Besides him she was probably the only one who already knew. Ruzek and Atwater were into their usual goofy morning-antics and looked pretty clueless when they came in.

"Please keep an eye on Vanessa for me!"

Jay wasn't really surprised at Rojas emotional state. From the beginning Hailey had taken the younger woman under her wing and had even risked losing her job now over getting some justice and solace for her roommate's friend Luis. Sometimes Jay wasn't so sure if he loved or hated the endeavor to right the wrong-doings of the world as it had gotten them into not only trouble, but also caused a lot of pain over the years.

"Listen up," Voight announced when everyone had settled in.

"As it turns out Upton's been offered the chance to work as a loan-out detective with the FBI in New York. So, as it is not every day that the opportunity of working with the feds opens up, she took it. It's gonna be temporary, but for now we're another woman short."

Of course Hank did it the way he always delivered bad news: stoic, calm and matter-of-factly, face set in stone. Only it didn't help Jay's irritation with him. 'The opportunity opened up…' Jay scoffed inwardly. Wasn't Hank acting like quite the hypocrite? How often had he done the thing Hailey did and gotten away with it? No one had sent him away to work with another unit to learn the ropes again.

"He said he doesn't want me to turn into him! That he needs me to be me! Jay I guess I don't even know what that means anymore!"

Thinking back to what Hailey had told him about her conversation the night before with Voight, Jay had to admit that their boss had a point there, despite all the frustration at Hailey being gone for now still eating him up inside. What she had done was not at all okay by his standards and certainly nothing he wanted her to repeat in the future. Planting evidence, however unfair it seemed that the well-known mastermind behind the crime would get a free pass, while someone else further down the pay roll took the ride? By all means it wasn't good police-work and definitely not by the book. And honestly he'd been a little shocked that she would go to such lengths as she herself had been a sucker for the rules when it came to keeping him on the straight and narrow. Jay just wished there could have been another way to deal with this and that their last encounter hadn't stirred up even more complications that had nothing to do with the case and everything with them as friends and partners.

His phone still remained silent Jay noted with growing unease.

No one really believed that the opportunity for Hailey to work with the FBI had 'just like that' come up from one day to the next, so of course there were many questions along Jay's male colleagues and of course they were all directed at him as her partner, suspecting he must know more about this. But it really wasn't Jay's place to tell, so he went on redirecting them rather briskly.

"Ask Voight!" was all he said.

Seriously though, their boss had to think about bringing new people in, if they kept losing team-members like that. What had once been a unit of eight had now shrunken to a group of five! Even if Jay didn't really like change, as they were a strong unit who trusted each other blindly and any outsider always mixed up their dynamic, it was pretty obvious. Right now he couldn't take any more newness, but to be at least two people short over time would put more strain on the unit than they would like.

Their partnering up for today was done quickly, as there were not many options left. It was either him and Rojas, or him and Atwater or him and Ruzek. Jay kept looking over to the empty desk in front of him, wishing he could catch an assuring look out of Hailey's eyes and a glimpse of that blonde ponytail of hers bobbing energetically. There was still no reply to his text by noon and he was getting kind of antsy about that. She had to have landed in New York by now, he had checked her flight schedule twice.

When they were called out to assist on a convenient store robbery, he was glad it was Atwater that was with him. Jay refrained from driving, not wanting to turn around and see that it was not the usual passenger, next to him and someone else in Hailey's spot. Him and Kevin had just one exchange of words when they got into Atwater's car:

"You alright dawg?"

"No, I am absolutely not!"

And that was it. He just let him be. Kevin's unobtrusive and relaxed way of handling things and leaving him alone with further questions was certainly easier to deal with and much appreciated on his end than either Adam extensively wanting to talk about Hailey leaving or Vanessa needing moral support Jay couldn't offer right now. He desperately would have needed it himself.
Especially when they were chasing a lead for the robbery a little later and Jay set off in hot pursuit of a suspect, only to go flying over a low wire-netting fence he caught his foot in and face-planting on the curb, right into a pile of trash bags. Besides scraping his hands and knees quite a bit and the awful smell that immediately surrounded him, the humiliation of such a rookie mistake stung the most. Just great! First day without his usual partner and things took a turn for the worse. He was mostly pretty angry with himself for looking like a fool, who couldn't find his footing.
At least Atwater had been smart enough to take another route and brought down the offender.

When they had made it back to the station and Jay got himself cleaned up, there were still no messages from Hailey on his phone. Instead there were a few missed calls and a voicemail from Rianne.
Listening to it he felt even more like he badly wanted to punch something, preferably himself:

"Hey, I don't know if you've noticed, but… it seems you had an appointment scheduled for this afternoon with that tech guy of yours to make plans for the home security or home automatic system? Anyway: he's here now, as am I, but you're obviously not. And as this is not my area of expertise I'm afraid that I can't really help or tell him what you want to get done, so… either get here or call me please?"

Shit! He'd completely forgotten about that. There was another text message from her, a half hour after that:

"He has left now. Took a look around the place at least. Said to give him a call when you can."

Even though Rianne didn't exactly say it and her voice had sounded more harried than mad, he knew she was probably pissed and she had every right to be. For so many more reasons than she was aware of.

Although he suspected she already knew more than he liked, accustomed to her witchy ways of being able to read him like no other. Jay groaned and rubbed his face in self-annoyance. Why couldn't he just get this out of the way?

"Looks like you could use a drink or two tonight," Ruzek slapped him on the back, when passing him in the hallway.

It seemed Rojas and him had just finished the interrogation of the man Kevin and him had brought in. When Jay didn't answer and just stupidly looked at him, Adam pointed to the room behind him:

"He confessed and we got him on camera, so I'll say we're out of here and off to Molly's, after we get him processed!"

Finishing early because other than making a fool out of him today there wasn't really much else going on, Jay knew he should have gone home to have that talk with Rianne, but he felt he wasn't ready. His head was still spinning in all kind of different directions, so when the team decided to head to Molly's because of the news of Upton's sudden departure, like Adam had proposed, Jay joined in. He send another text to Hailey before they went:

"At least let me know you made it to New York okay!"

"So before, when you almost left our house, you were just gonna go and not tell me? Send me a message tomorrow?"

"Something like that I guess!"

He was thankful that she had changed her mind. Jay wasn't sure how he would have taken another departure of someone so close to him without a good-bye. He had really started to hate New York.
Way into her third glass of whiskey and after putting everything out there what she had done, Jay watched it dawn on Hailey that Voight could have had her removed from the job altogether for the stunt she had pulled. It was painful to watch how that realization changed her features into something very vulnerable, so full of remorse. But Voight hadn't. Because in the end they were like family. So by sending her away and teaching her a lesson he had actually softened the blow for her. What had seemed so extreme in the beginning was in reality more a slap on the wrist.

At the bar Jay found himself rather lost in his own thoughts than connecting with his team. They didn't seem to notice anyway. Rojas and Atwater were engaged in a conversation and Ruz on the phone with Burgess and he was actually glad about that.
Hailey had kissed him. Somehow he still felt in complete shock about that. They didn't even really hug that much and then a goodbye-kiss? The problem was: combined with the thing she had said before she had done it, implied that it was much more than just a good-bye kiss. Why hadn't he seen this coming?
He was so glad that neither Stella nor any other friends of Rianne were at Molly's tonight. Although Jay hadn't initiated the kiss and certainly hadn't wanted anything like this to happen between him and Hailey, he felt like he had 'cheater' written in big letters above his head. Stella would kill him if she found out he guessed. And Rianne? What would she do?
They were good, really good, but things sometimes still seemed so fragile. Like he didn't know where to put his feet until something would break. Break them apart. On bad days he went through the most horrible scenarios in his head. Like with one false move he'd find himself at the bottom of a deep hole again and maybe there would be no one there this time to help him dig his way out of it.
He hated that his fractured faith in the good prevailing and good things lasting was so easily broken time and time again. Life just always seemed to prove him right.

Platt was suddenly beside him. Jay hadn't even noticed that she'd obviously decided to come to Molly's as well after shift. As usual their desk sergeant seemed to be keeping an unnecessary eye on him and couldn't help but comment on his sour expression:

"You know why he had to do it, don't you? You can't be mad at him for this!"

Jay knew she was referring to Voight. Against his best efforts to put it aside there had been some tension between them today. He didn't know how Trudy could have known, but that woman had her eyes and ears everywhere he suspected.
As a man who had worked in an environment where the chain of command was there for a reason and knew the necessity of it, he had a hard time forgiving Voight on a personal level. It felt like he had done this to him a second time, robbed him of a partner. And he knew it wasn't to spite him and that things with Erin had been very different, but it still felt a little like that.

"I know. It just sucks," he took a deep drag from his beer.

"That I'm sure of. But don't drown in it. Maybe you should go home, get some distraction! Cause that's the upside of not just living for the job Halstead!"

Yeah, he kind of knew that and he loved, absolutely loved his new private life. There was no doubt he loved Rianne, but he wondered if he had been too wrapped up in his relationship lately to notice his partner and friend struggling. Ever since he'd noticed her strange behavior concerning the Darius Walker cases he should have pushed her harder to talk to him and get her head on straight. And maybe he should have noticed that she maybe had more than friendly feelings towards him. He should have noticed that he might have been hurting her.

"It suits you and it's good for you! Don't let yourself tell you otherwise! It's okay to have something to go home to," Trudy added and bumped her shoulder into his encouragingly.

Was it written all over his face that he again had been doubting, if he deserved his luck when someone else close to him was going through a hard time and starting to wander on dark paths? Maybe even because of him?
He guessed he had indeed just for a second played with those thoughts. His confused look met Trudy's brown-green orbs, trying to get him out of his funk.

"I'm sorry, I wasn't there for you!"

"None of this is on you Jay! It really isn't!"

She had squeezed his hand hard when saying this. Just moments before she had leaned up to him on her front porch and completely rocked his world with her plea not to get married while she was gone. What was that even supposed to mean exactly?

"Hailey's got this! She will come back stronger from this!" Platt still wasn't done with her pep-talk.

Maybe she was right, maybe this assignment would actually be good for Hailey. But what about them? Would they also come back from this? Would he get his partner back?
Jay didn't say anything about that. Instead he gave Platt a thankful nod and pushed himself up from the bar.

"Yeah, you're probably right. Thanks Trudy!"

He couldn't just preach about honesty all the time, he had to follow through. And he didn't really need to talk to Hailey first to talk to Rianne, did he? All that mattered was what he felt, no matter why his partner had suddenly decided she needed to kiss him before she left.

Jay had every intention of driving home after he left Molly's, but when he'd made it back to his truck his phone suddenly went off with a text message, one he had actually been waiting for all day:

"Yep, made it to New York ok. So sorry about last night. I was a mess and probably had a little too much to drink! I hope we can forget about my little slip-up?"

Little slip-up? Who did she think she was kidding? Hailey never said or did anything because she was too drunk and he might have been oblivious of her feelings up until now, but she wouldn't just mess with their dynamic because she had been a little drunk. They had been drunk together before and none of this had happened.
Hailey wasn't much into talking about feelings, at least not her own. Jay knew that. They had to talk about this anyway and he really didn't want to settle this over texts. But when he called her straight back after receiving the message, his call was disconnected after three rings.
Had she just declined his call? Jay tried a second and third time but the outcome was the same. So he texted again, anger at her childish behavior rising up:

"Seriously Hailey?"

He knew she knew what he meant, if the distance hadn't destroyed every connection there had ever been between them. Hailey's immediate answer left him not only confused, but finally also hurt and upset with her:

"I'm pretty tired and still getting settled in here. Can we just talk later? Give me some time and I'll be in touch? I'm really sorry, I know it isn't fair to you, but I feel I need to think about some things!"

Waking up to the buzzing of her phone and seeing Will's name light up her screen got Rianne wide awake in less than ten seconds.

"Hey, what's up?"

She registered that it was completely dark around her by now and very quiet. So she guessed Jay hadn't come home yet. Turning on the light next to her she listened to Will calmly explaining his call:

"Sorry to bother you! I know it's late, but I think you've got to come over here and take your man home."

Trying to get her bearings Rianne noted that it wasn't even that late, but because she must have passed out on the sofa a long time ago and had been in a deep slumber, it felt like the middle of the night. In reality the clock was only just crawling towards midnight.
Not bothering to change back into more presentable clothes when she left the house to make the short drive over to Will and Natalie's, she knew she looked like a trash version of 'Desperate housewives': Matching olive sweat pants and sweater, hair on end, void of any make up and sporting her glasses because she'd caught herself getting a little night-blind lately. She really didn't care, she would have picked up Jay from Molly's in this outfit if she had to, just to be there as soon as she could.

Rianne had been too busy at the construction site and then again too tired and also struggling with some dizziness to get herself worked up about all the possibilities why Jay had been giving off a suspicious vibe since he'd returned last night. Mostly she had tried to let it go and not read too much into it. That missed appointment with the tech guy had been another hint though, because Jay normally didn't forget to reschedule if he knew he was too busy with work. Getting a drink with the team wasn't so unusual, but that he had been getting drunk at his brother's afterwards instead of heading home, had her sincerely worried. When she arrived at the building, she was relieved to find Jay's truck still in front of it, however parked at a weird angle. So at least he hadn't gone off on his own in the meantime.
Rianne called Will's phone to not wake up Owen by ringing the door-bell and he opened within a short amount of time, an apologetic look on his face:

"I would have given him a ride myself, but Nat's working tonight and I have Owen asleep upstairs. And I was a little hesitant to call Jay a cab, after…"

He didn't need to finish the sentence for Rianne to know what he was implying. 'After' last time he'd been drinking with Jay and thought his brother was safely on his way home in a cab and everything had gone terribly wrong. This situation was different, but nevertheless Rianne understood that Will still suffered from the repercussions of that very night from time to time. Up to the point where he was better safe than sorry concerning his brother whenever he could.

She touched his shoulder to tell him it was okay: "Don't worry, it's fine. I'm glad you called me!"

Inside she found Jay in a bad state of drunk, just like Will had said on the phone. He seemed to be passed out on the couch. Will and her exchanged another look:

"Connected to a case, or Hailey leaving for New York?"

"The latter…" Will screwed his face up in discomfort and cleared his throat, which led to Jay stirring. Obviously he had only been resting his eyes than out cold.

"You called her?" Jay sneered at his brother when he laid eyes on Rianne. He looked a little rough, pupils huge.

"Dude you're not gonna crash on my couch again, when you really should be sleeping somewhere else! Besides its' not me you need to talk to!"

Rianne didn't know what Will was referring to exactly, but Jay seemed to get it. His expression changed from annoyed with his brother's move to guilty in a matter of seconds. She tried not to freak out too much about what it was Jay needed to talk to her about according to Will. At least she guessed he had been referring to her.
Jay slowly got up from the couch with some effort and shuffled towards her, swaying a little, and pulled her in for a clumsy hug:

"Hi…"

"Hi yourself…" Rianne reluctantly let herself be held by him.

"You feel cosy," he pulled her in closer and heavily breathed out into her hair.

"Apparently not cosy enough for you to get your sorry ass home by yourself! I thought it was just supposed to be a quick drink at Molly's?" She could not help the cutting remark, hating how in her overall insecurity about this situation she sounded like a bitchy girlfriend.

"Uh, feisty…" Jay sniggered stupidly and crashed into her even more.

The smell of alcohol on his breath almost made her a little queasy.

"Why'd you let him drink this much?" Rianne turned around to Will with a displeased look, trying to keep Jay from tipping her over with his intoxicated body.

"I just went to check on Owen upstairs, because he was fussing and when I came back down he'd gone through half the bottle of our friend José alone!"

Will shrugged off her reprimand and handed Jay his jacket, that he fumbled around with quite a bit before he managed to get it on right.
Rianne had half a mind of actually leaving Jay to stay on Will's couch. She had a suspicion that the state of drunk he was in wasn't a pleasant one. But the way he leaned into her, fiddling with her hair reminded her that she'd probably regret playing such games and only rob herself of her own sleep in the process.

"Right, let's get you home then muchacho," she wasn't really interested in having any further discussions or explanations here in the Halstead-Manning living-room with a sleeping kid upstairs.

"I'm sorry man," Jay hugged Will when he passed him by.

"It's okay, think you'll be a lot more sorry in the morning. For yourself!"

When it was her turn to say good-bye Will muttered:

"Cut him some slack, will ya? You've got nothing to worry about!"

"See, you telling me I've got nothing to worry about, makes me actually worry more! Good night Will!"

Halsteads…

A little unsure what exactly Will had meant and suspecting that he knew a lot more than she did what had gone down yesterday night, Rianne hurried to get them into her car, a staggering Jay in tow. Before she could open the passenger-side door for him, he surprised her by how quick he could still be on half a bottle of tequila and whatever he'd had before that, by hauling her into his arms and pressing her against the side of her pick-up. His lips were on hers before she could do something about it, providing a very sloppy kiss with dangerous urgency.
Irritation with his all-around behavior growing, Rianne brushed his advances off.

"No, this is not what we do Jay, remember? Physical intimacy as a distraction tactic from whatever is going on with you? I'm not doing this with you!"

He backed away from her, holding up his hands as a sign of defeat, but he looked as if he didn't take her seriously. That little drunken smile and amused snort of his annoying the hell out of her.

"Just get in the car!" Rianne ordered, not waiting for him to get in before she climbed in on the driver's side and slammed her door shut.

"Fine!" Jay mumbled when he'd gotten into the car too, smile wiped off his face and sounding pissed off now.

The first few minutes of their tension-filled ride she felt him looking at her from time to time and tentatively reach out his hand to touch her neck. But she didn't react, instead just kept very still and her mind focused enough to get them home safely, so Jay turned away eventually and was very quiet.

By the time they had reached Wicker Park and she thankfully found a parking spot that wasn't too far from the apartment, Rianne noticed Jay had fallen asleep. He was curled up against his window, arms crossed over his chest, breathing deeply or rather indeed snoring.
If it had been her he would have carried her upstairs, only of course she wasn't strong enough to do that. Careful to prevent him from falling out of the car when she opened the door on his side, she gently tried to hold him up, until some life returned into his limbs. Normally it would have pained her to disturb him when he looked this peaceful, only now she felt less pity. Why should he get to just fall asleep like this while she was trying not to freak out and spiral in a fit of relationship angst?

Somehow she maneuvered him inside the apartment, although they almost lost balance twice on the stairs and he was groaning and complaining that he could do it on his own all throughout it. Jay kicked off his shoes and jacket and stumbled onto the bedroom, knocking into the dresser a few times and cursing, while he tried to get his pants and shirt off. When he somehow got his head stuck in it Rianne couldn't watch him struggle any longer:

"Promise not to bite my head off, but you're doing a very bad job with this. So let me help you!"

She made him drink a glass of water to prevent a little portion of the major hangover in the morning that was surely to follow and propped him up on some additional pillows.

"You think you might be sick?"

Jay had already closed his eyes with a deep sigh and didn't give her a direct answer to her question, so Rianne decided to get a bucket just in case to place near his side of the bed, but he grabbed her hand when she was about stand up and forced her to stay on the bed with him, latching himself on to her waist and burying his head against her stomach:

"Please don't leave me too!"

It made her heart stop momentarily. Had she heard him right? Why should she leave him?

"Why would I leave you?"

Jay didn't answer her and just increased the hold he had on her body.

"Did you do something that would justify me leaving you?"

If ever she would get a direct and honest answer to that question it was probably from a drunk:

"No!" Jay's head surfaced out of her lap, his eyes meeting hers straight on.

But the look he was giving her was so sad it was making her stomach heave. It took her every resolve to not press him further, but to gently make him lay back in bed again.

"Okay, so sleep it off and we'll talk in the morning!"

"I'm so sorry!"

Jay found a glass of fresh orange juice and two aspirin near his bed when he woke up. Not his phone though. So he was at a loss as to what time it could be.

The bedside next to him was already made up and it was very quiet all around. His heart sank in fright and he got up as quickly as he could, regretting it instantly, his head spinning and pounding like hell as a repercussion from his movements. How much did he actually have to drink last night?

To his relief he found Rianne in the living-room, sitting on the couch, legs crossed under her, hair in a messy bun, nursing a cup of coffee. She was staring off into space, her nose not into one of her inevitable books, looking like she hadn't slept very much.

His words to Will last night were suddenly echoing in his head: "Every time I see her I know I've found my favorite thing! No matter what situation and how much chaos we've found each other in over the past months, deep inside of me I always feel safe when I'm with her."

He'd been ready to tell her just that but then the amount of Tequila in his system had gotten in the way.

When he shuffled into the room, croaking out a "Morning," she looked up, also nodding a "Good Morning" at him. It felt weird that it was for once delivered without the usual smile lighting up her face. And he knew he was responsible for that.

"What time is it?" Jay still hadn't been able to locate his phone or any other timing device for that matter.

"I called Voight! You've got the morning off!" Rianne told him in passing, as she got up and topped up her coffee in the kitchen.

Jay followed suit, a little confused. She had called his boss?

"What? Why?"

"Because I thought you would surely need a minute or two to cure your hang-over and it's a little hard to pull a trigger with shaking hands and…, and I really need you to talk to me Jay! I am not doing this silent anxiety thing where I am by myself for the rest of the day, not knowing when you'll be back and waiting on wether or not we will talk about what is going on. Maybe I'm paranoid and completely nuts, but I can't help but feel that there is something we need to talk about, am I wrong?"

"No, you're not wrong," Jay sighed. There was no use lying to her, when she was obviously so damn good at reading him. Or he was just bad at hiding his feelings and keeping secrets.

"Did you do something that would justify me leaving you?"

Oh yeah, and then there had been that, he thought, as last night's events and conversations slowly came back to him one by one.

As much as this was certainly not going to be a very pleasant talk, Jay realized he would take their arguments over silence and things festering every time. At least up until now there had always been something left fighting over between them.

Rianne handed him a cup of coffee too and he felt a little hopeful that he wasn't that much in the doghouse with her as he had thought. Not yet anyway!

Begging that they could sit down for this, because he actually still felt a bit unsteady on his feet and like he was on withdrawal, they moved onto the living-room couch. At least he did. Rianne was a little on edge and perched on the ledge of the armchair next to it.

So he told her about everything that had been bothering him, especially the thing that hadn't been part of the plan two nights ago.

"I am not really the best when it comes to being straightforward. You're more of the moral compass in this family! But I guess you're right: you have to come clean rather sooner than later."

Will had been right: Jay´ sure felt better with this secret now unloaded from his heart.

"Just so we're clear: I never needed time to think about if I rather wanted to be with Hailey than you! Really! This changes nothing between us, at least not on my end. I just needed some time to think about how and when to tell you about it. Because I knew I needed to eventually. And as I was pretty messed up about her leaving in general and what this means for our partnership in the future, I thought given the circumstances it wouldn't be fair to be complaining to you how much it upsets me that she left for New York… So I guess I kinda went back to my old ways, burying the pain? I'm sorry if that hurt you in any way," he ended his little confession, holding his breath.

She hadn't moved a muscle all through his speech and just kept very quiet. Every time that he thought he had figured Rianne out she kept surprising him. Jay would have expected a different spontaneous reaction. He wasn't so sure what exactly he had been expecting, but definitely not her actually laughing out loud incredulously:

"Great! This is just great…"

Putting her cup of coffee on the table with a loud clang she put both of her hands over her mouth.

"What's so great about all that?"

On closer inspection it wasn't really a happy laugh at all. She kept shaking her head and walking up and down in front of him.

"I guess this is what I get for playing it tough and really cool towards her in the beginning. Bad karma for having such a big mouth!"

Jay was at a loss as to what she was applying to, so Rianne reminded him:

"After you got shot, the first night we were out at Molly's and she came on to me inquiring about if I was really up to the task of taking care of you? I told her, if she loved you she should just tell you and put it out there and see what happens. That you could very well decide for yourself who you wanna be with. I already told you about that conversation. Well at least about some of it I guess…"

"She didn't tell me she loved me!" Jay would never get the workings of women's minds completely, he stated to himself.

"Yeah, but she basically said she doesn't want you to be with me and then kissed you!"

All was fair in love and war Rianne guessed. Jay was silent for a moment, just keeping a close eye on her as if he expected her to explode suddenly. Somehow though she felt eerily calm now that she knew her inner radar hadn't been so off concerning Hailey's feelings towards Jay. Now she only needed answers to some simple questions and she appreciated that Jay kept his physical distance until she got them out:

"Did you kiss her back?"

"No!"

"Was there ever a time when you would have wanted to kiss her back?"

"Honestly, I don't know!"

It stung a little that he couldn't just have answered that with a definite 'no' as well, but Rianne guessed she had already kind of known that. At least he wasn't trying to lie to her in order to get her off his back.
Jay took his time to try and explain himself, a little more color to his cheeks now that he had taken those painkillers and finished off his coffee:

"I mean we have established this deep connection over the years, we always had each others backs. This certainly is more than just a normal work-relationship. We've been there for each other when we desperately needed it, even when we didn't know we needed it and were reluctant to let the other one in. So yeah, this is something special, but then again this unit is kind of my family, has been for years. You don't find people like that every day. So yeah, maybe it could have turned into something more, who knows, but it never even came close to that, because then you came along."

"So what about your feelings now?"

Rianne had stopped pacing in front of him a while ago and just gauged his reaction now, heart pumping heavily. Her hands were actually shaking a little, so she crossed her arms in front of her chest.

"I'm in love with you. Only you! There has never been a day when I would have wished things were different concerning Hailey since we happened. I never thought twice about that, because I only want to be with you. I love that we can leave all the work-related stuff out if we want to and that you only belong to me. I don't have to share you with work. We can have our fights at home only. I have come to really love that it's not as complicated and difficult to find balance like in another work-relationship. I already went through that with Erin. And when I look at you, when I'm with you? That's how I want my future to look like!"

Jay had gotten up while saying all that, delivering her from these little splinters of doubt and anxiety that had kept her on edge until now. He'd uncrossed her arms and taken her hands into his instead, threading their fingers together and running his thumbs over her palms.

"Aw, that's a nice thing to say!" Despite the flippant tone her voice actually came out a little rough.

This was making her more emotional than she wanted to. She wanted to wipe at the moisture that had escaped her eyes, but Jay kept her hands tightly clutched in his:

"It's the damn truth silly!"

"Good! Thank you for being honest!"

He finally pulled her in for the longest hug that they both so desperately needed.
After a while with none of them saying anything, Jay stepped away from her and held her at arms length, still insecure:

"Right now I can't really tell wether you're mad or what it is you're feeling, so could you please help me out?"

His eyes never left hers until she finally made another step back and ran her hands through her hair, sighing deeply:

"I am really trying not to be mad here. You trusted me so much when things with Nate were complicated, so… I feel like I owe you the same! I however wish you would have felt like you could come to me sooner with this! And like I said: In a very twisted way I can't even hate Hailey for doing this, because if I were her, I would have probably done the same. Still I feel like I need to break something…"

Thank God there still was a lot to break and physically exhaust herself with at the house.

"I don't understand you women…" Jay snorted.

Men were such boneheads sometimes! Didn't he get that Hailey had probably been desperate to never get the chance again to put her feelings out there when she was about to go on a mission miles away from him and Chicago without knowing when she'd be back?

"What really pisses me off though is that she ruined kiss-aversary!"

Because now it would he Hailey's and Jay's kiss-aversary too. Childish as it may be this didn't sit right with her at all, so Jay tried to put it into perspective, joking his way out of the tension still around somehow:

"But only the 6 months one! We're never going to celebrate that again anyway."

And as if to put emphasis on his words he tentatively whispered a kiss alongside her jaw as he again closed the distance between them. Giving in Rianne wrapped her arms around his neck and rested her forehead against his:

"So what are you gonna do now?"

Surely the insecurity what would happen to him and Hailey when she came back was still troubling his mind:

"I wanted to talk to her again, but she says she needs some time to think about some things, whatever that means. And it's making me really angry because first she drops that bomb on me that brings me into an impossible situation and then she just shuts me out."

"She'll come around!"

"I wish I had your faith!"

"Just trust me Jay! She could never truly leave you behind. Not after what you went through together. She's just not that person. Maybe it will need some adjusting and maybe it will be a little different, but she'll be in your life! You'll be good."

Jay didn't seem convinced, still looking a little contrite and too pensive for her liking, so Rianne tried to lift the glumness:

"I'll bet you Sunday morning wake-up sex for two months straight she won't unfriend you!"

"Babe, that's not a real sacrifice…"

He had a point there, but at least it had gotten her that little cock-sure smile of his.

"Okay…, so how about doing all the laundry for two months then?"

"You do that anyway, because you don't trust me with your fancy dresses… Why does everything have to be a challenge with you?"

"Because you need it! And I can keep thinking of new ones as you well know!"

"How about you finally let me take you on a motorcycle ride then?"

"No way!" Motorcycle rides terrified the hell out of her and he very well knew that, but now she was afraid he was about to beat her at her own game:

"If you're absolutely sure that Hailey will come around you won't have to do it. So? How sure are you really?"

Rianne mulled that over for a minute, then reluctantly stretched out her hand for him to shake on:

"Fine! You can take me on that stupid motorcycle ride, but only at 18 mph!"

This actually made Jay laugh out loud while he took her hand and hug her to him again.
Now she sure as hell hoped she would be right. But she couldn't imagine Hailey really backing out of Jay's life completely. He wasn't a man, friend, partner, in Rianne's case lover, one never wanted to leave. It just didn't make any sense if you had truly experienced what it meant to have him in your life.
As for how she would deal with Hailey being back someday in the future, working side by side with Jay, remained to be seen.

AN: After this chapter I feel like I need to state again: I am not against Upstead in the series and in other fan-fictions, I really enjoy reading that too. But as you all well know by now I wanted to write about another pairing and am truly grateful that some of you could get on board with that and have joined me on this ride! Thank you so much and have a happy Sunday!