Game of Thrones Tales: Lannister Family Values
Summary: In an alternative universe, King Robert calls on a different old friend and brother to assist him. But whose decency, kindness, and sense of honor, while a bit different from Ned Stark's are equally strong. But are the family values of House Addams a match for the ruthless Lannisters?
Part LXV…
The tent camp of Lord Hand Addams' inspection tour…Early am…
Rather palatial tent of Lord Belloq, the infamous political courtier/popular entertainment king/lauded though anonymous playwright master/secretly scheming menace to the Kingdom/far-sighted future restorer of a greater Valyria…The one, the only…And just a poor boy mind you, from the booniest of the boondocks, though the sharpest of the lot…Middlefinger.
"Four bells and alls well…" a sentry's cry.
Really? I don't think so…The evil bird gets the worms and guts or leaves the others to starve…Middlefinger notes to us, striding tent solus…
Really…The girls sleep in a separate tent and my personal guard is posted outside. I just can't sleep with others in the room unless I'm really used to them.
"Last monologue, as I recall, we left me, Lord Petyr Belloq, with the Hand's inspection party in the newly discovered Coal (MY COAL!) fields of the mid-North, formerly small to middlin' farmer and petty lords' holdings, recently largely bought up…Some would say…" wicked leer. "Stolen…I would say, acquired by brutal torture and pillage at cut rate or no rate prices, just below Winterfalls, the ancestral Stark seat…That dunderhead, Ned Stark, never realizing the black goop oozing into his lower fields and the dense black rocks some of his tenants brought in could be incredibly valuable." Sneer as he takes seat in portable folding chair, an invention of Tyrion Lannister's that smart lil imp who of course must die with the rest in the capital, a pity…
"…And facing the disturbing news that my spy and agent, Lord Jared "Jar-Jar" Bings, has been apprehended at the Council of Lannister bannerspeople at Casterly Rock, though the usual…Gotta admit that Tywin is sharp…Shrewd machinations of Tywin Lannister. Mitigated, fortunately…Though I also gotta admit, surprisingly…By the immediate suicide of said Jar-Jar before he could be tortured or more likely just scared and bribed into revealing the One pulling the strings. Namely me." Sigh.
"Gods, sure he was probably scared out of his bizarre speech patterns, but such devotion to the Cause…I gotta have a moment." Middlefinger pauses and rising, moves off.
"Ok…" a moment later, reseating. "He gets heroic mention in my commissioned History of the New Valyrian Empire and a nice little memorial park when alls done."
"Now though, to the key purpose of my being here…Tis time to both discredit and eliminate our new and surprisingly successful, in far too many things, including Kingly/Queenly reconciliation, Hand, Lord Addams. Before he can uncover my ever-tightening grip on the Westeros, nay the Planetos Coal supply! And the facts…That I induced Lady Ophelia to suborn a page to poison her husband…" pausing.
How she managed that? Prefer not to know, really…I mean a page is just a kid, really…Eehew.
Shudder…And add that creepiness with her kid…
To think I will have to marry that, even for a short time. Killing her will be a positive blessing to the world…And I mean to fulfill a duty to Jon Arryn by getting that kid of his to a good boarding school where they'll do what they can to save him.
Hey, I might need an heir and I can always have him poisoned, strangled, or tossed out the Moon Door or all three…
"Anyway…That I fomented the near Civil War that sadly fizzled out in peace and even stronger ties among the key Houses…Geesh. On top of inducing that perv Ser Walter to poison that oaf Ned Stark at his latest wedding…"
Frown…
"Still don't know about Catelyn Stark, my dearest Cat, though. I sure gave no orders there. Could even really have been a 'candles-out' accident though I'd guess Walter the freak got bored quick with the new missus and decided on a quickie divorce…But Justice will have to be served there if he decided Cat was asking too many questions about her husband's death and the quality of the wine." Firm look.
"Besides Walter is far too sneaky a little shit to let live. And the Tripletts would make a nice golfing seat for me, in due course. Oh, and I've plotted with Verysmuch…"
(About time…Verysmuch, back at his Kings Landing office, slight frown…Thought you were never going to mention me.)
"…To the extent we've sorta agreed on a hands off our individual schemes approach…For now. Later, he'll have to be eliminated…"
(Verysmuch…Rolling eyes…Like Hell.)
"…Or won to my cause, maybe after I marry Danerys Targaryen to solidify my reign."
(Bww…Hah, haa…Verysmuch, chortling in office. Though thanks for the job offer…If I thought you ever had a real chance…)
Lying…Middlefinger, mouthing to us. I'd never be crazy enough to let Verysmuch hold power in my regime. Eunichs, you know…Waving hands.
(Hey…Verysmuch frowns. I'm an excellent and occasionally loyal Master of Spies and Chief Foreign Affairs Minister…My record speaks for itself.
This is rank prejudice. We eunichs didn't cause the Doom of Valyria and were no more corrupt or untrustworthy than the average fully-balled minister. Really, thought you were above such things, bro, shaking head.)
"Well, sorry…And kudos on the lip reading. But I couldn't trust such a loyal (Why? Why? Shakes head.) Targaryen supporter, after all."
(Well…Sure…Ok… But lets not further the Hate, you know? Verysmuch, frowning.)
"And finally…The Joffrey/Sansa plotting thing. Though gods know, I've no intention of letting that little whack job rule for more than a few days alone, and then strictly under the firm and sane control of his grandfather until I dispose of them both…"
(Bwwah…You? Tywin Lannister? By you? Verysmuch, chuckling. Sorry, sorry…Wave of hands to direction of Petyr's hurt face…Go on…You were monologuing how you'd recreate the world in seven days…Chortle.)
"As I was monologuing…" Belloq, annoyed. "Of course letting Joffrey come to power now requires eliminating Bob Barftheron, Prince Tommen…Such a nice kid, a real shame if I have to do him in…And eventually, and more likely now since reconciliation, Queen Cersei…"
(No doubt you plan to do her, first…After besting Jamie in battle…Bwwahh haa, ha…Verysmuch. Sorry, really…Smile.)
"And as a first step, in Plan B now that Civil War Plan A failed, I've seen to it that the King and his brothers, Rently and Stanislaw, are set at odds…"
(Oh, really? Verysmuch…Sour look. Now you're claiming to have set that off? Did you also create the Light Lord faith while you were scheming at it? Come on, bro…Even I don't take credit for everything…)
"Actually, I did make a major anonymous contribution to the Light Lord fund in secret to get that ball rolling…" Belloq, gleaming smile. "And their High Priestess got her acting start in one of my suburban brothels…"
(Really? Verysmuch blinks. Well…Respect, bro. Nod)
Though ok, I didn't expect it would take off so nor that the crazy babbling bitch would really attract a following…Though I did think Stanislaw would jump at anyone telling him he was Anointed Hero and future King of the Realm, given he was chompin' at the kingly bit for years, shrug by Middlefinger.
"Though of course I'll have to have the crazy priestess bumped off after Stanislaw goes down…Which is a pity, she was a fine prostitute and actress according to my franchise manager. But I'm a religious kind of guy, ya know…And the tolerant of most other faiths, Seven, plus the old Valyrian style of cult worshipping the reigning Emperor is my faith. I mean I'm as tolerant as any Neoplatonic pagan but I can't let a bunch of intolerant fanatics destroy my new Valyria with constant bloody fights over heresy and dogma, right?"
(No question there, bro…Verysmuch nods. So, if I may suggest…)
"Yeah, going a bit off the rails here, but I did want to catch you and myself up…As to the immediate practical, I shall see that Lord Gomez is exposed as plotting against his King and friend, for the purposes of overthrowing the Barftheron line and putting in his own…"
(His own? What, the fat kid who's now paralyzed? And did you arrange that? Verysmuch staring.)
"…choice." Slight frown, then arch look… "Ser Lotus' friend, Rently, the gentle would-be usurper…A sensible, clever, forward-thinking guy old enough for the throne and respected by all at least as a non-corrupt, forward-thinker and all around nice guy. A pretty good choice, actually…If I weren't available, I'd back him."
(Hmmn…Eliminate Addams and Rently at the same time…Not bad. And there would be many who'd consider it possible Addams was thinking of the good of the Kingdom in doing so…Still…Verysmuch shakes head. He and Bob are staunch…And he brought Cersei and Bob together…)
"Oh, well…I implicate her in this too. After the mass murder of the Barftheron bastards…Ooops…"
(What? Verysmuch blinks. I'd heard rumors from my spy network and Ravensnet but…I never really thought… Kids? Babies? Petyr? Shocked look.)
"Hey. Your blonde bimbo would annihilate millions of kids to seize power." Belloq frowns. "And it wasn't my plan to start…"
(I don't think I can listen to any more. I'd have to violate our agreement and talk. And then you'd spill as to me…But, bro…Think it over. Babies? Verysmuch, shaking head.)
"Goes with me thus far but no farther? I'll not confide in thee further." Middlefinger frowning.
(I'm gonna know anyway…Verysmuch, smiling with shrug.)
"Though to be honest…I do have reservations about this one…" Belloq sighs. "After all the total death count so far has been astoundingly low compared to past political upheavals in Westeros…
We have…
Jon Wesley Arryn…Poisoned.
Edduard…Still say it's a stupid way to spell 'Edward'…'Ned' Stark…Poisoned.
Catelyn 'Cat' 'Kitty-Kat' Stark…Skewered…Though could have been an accident.
Ser Pompous Oafly…Disemboweled under mysterious circumstances which may or may not be politically related.
His unimportant band of loser Night Rangers…Likewise.
Viciously Targaryen…Goldfinger treatment, via melted gold…Well, that was a family affair.
Khan Singh…Infected by dirty blade…And who arranged the choice of blade? Smile.
(Nice…Verysmuch nods)
Various Doofraki losers…Dead of thirst, arrows in guts…Really all that's on Danys T and her poor leadership, ya know.
The Council of 13 formerly, then 12, now 2 unless Councilor Cleo unwisely returns from her family cosmetics monopoly in Egypt…Murdered by conspiracy of Trumpo Don and Phat Pree…And who provided Matt Phat Pree with one of his first research grants? Grin.
(Respect, bro…Verysmuch offers bump…)
And for the moment…Shrug…Oh, wait…Lord Bings. Can't forget little Jar-Jar…Wipes tear.
(Remarkable…Verysmuch shakes head. "With a body count this low we could be living in the age of the Good Valyrian Emperors…Or the twenty-third Star Trek century.")
"Yeah, we probably should all be proud, in a way…" Belloq nods. "But the blood must flow in droves, sooner or later…"
(Oh, did you forget those Tin Islanders and the Bolted crew? Verysmuch notes.)
"Eh, who gives a f-? But fine…Still a low body count…For now." Belloq archly.
"But first, Lord Addams to deal with…"
Pausing…
"After I go over my latest musical with him…Gods, that is one Joe who appreciates Art." Beams.
…