Chapter 66.
Cas was in a palace. He had walked there before, with Dean, when they had shared the mind link. It looked like the palace of Solomon, but it was his. The hangings on the wall were tapestries showing scenes from the Song of Solomon and he could hear footsteps on the stone floor.
He looked up and saw Jules walking towards him, dressed like a queen in robes of white and pale blue. Necklaces of gold hung around her neck and she carried a sword.
"Are we at war?" he said.
"No." she said, "The sword is so that you can cut out my heart."
"Why would I do that?" he said.
"A sacrifice. For Jack and for the Winchesters."
"No." he said.
"Hurry, my love." she said, "If you hesitate, Jack will die."
"I can't buy his life with yours." he said.
"You already did. Don't hide from the blood now."
"My life was the sacrifice offered." he said.
"Your life was bound to mine."
"I won't shed your blood."
"Then Jack will die."
"I gave my life for his." said Casm "Yours was never given."
"I give it."
"No. I love you." he said.
"Not enough. You chose this, Castiel. We could have been happy. We could have had a life together, but you chose this instead. You chose him."
"Over my own life, not yours. Never yours."
"What life did you even have? You didn't know who you were. You followed the Winchesters around, begging for scraps from their table. I was real and you could have become real with me, but you always held back from that, because I wasn't enough for you. You'd rather be Dean's shadow than my light. You saved Jack, knowing it would condemn me to death."
"This isn't real." he said, "This is a dream. Jules would never say these things."
"Then who is saying them?" she said.
"I am." he said. For a moment he wondered if arguing with his own dreams proved that he was going mad. He didn't understand dreams very well and he wasn't sure that accusing himself of things was very sane either.
"This is a problem." said Gabriel behind him.
"You're dead. Stay out of this." said Cas, turning to look at him.
"You've died a lot more often than I have." said Gabriel, "You know what your problem is?"
"My dreams are infested with dead archangels?"
Gabriel responded with a lopsided grin. "You're neither one thing nor the other. This hot lady here treats you like a human and so do the Winchesters. Dad made you an angel, but which are you, here and now, trying to justify to the woman you love why you gave your life for the cause, as angels are supposed to?"
"I'm not human. I never claimed to be or tried to be,"
"And we all know you're a piss-poor angel."
"That's not fair." said Cas, not sure why he was arguing with it.
"You said it, not me." said Gabriel.
"No, you did."
"And who am I, genius? I'm you. You think Gabriel does cameos in the dreams of the likes of you? Please! I'm you. The hot lady, as you've already worked out, is also you. Let's neither of us let that slip to Dean. Your relationship with him is confused enough."
"What does that mean? What does any of this mean?" said Cas.
"You're not ready to die. You're not ready to say goodbye to the one with the cute tattoo - for clarity, Jules, not Dean, although, to be honest, I could go for Dean ... "
"Gabriel ... "
"Relax. Debriel sounds like a laxative and I don't ship Destiel either. Never saw Casules happening either, or do we prefer Juliel?"
"Is any of this relevant ... to anything?" said Cas.
"You tell me. Your brain is writing the script here. When I came along, you were trying to explain to the lovely Jules why you decided to throw your life away."
"I had no choice."
"For millennia, you've been making choices we didn't think you had. Sometimes, it was a genius move, it won us battles. Sometimes, it just drove everyone nuts. I mean, Naomi was not a fan."
"The contempt is mutual."
"This time, you made the default angel choice. 'This is a situation where the sacrifice of my life will accomplish the goal, therefore, my life is forfeit.' Hardwired into you since the moment Dad threw you together. Only, when it was hardwired into you, nobody thought you'd ever fall in love, or try to be a part of a family."
"So?"
"So, your dual nature is tearing you apart. Jack's your responsibility and you love him and your sacrifice protects him and sets him free to complete his destiny, which you don't fully understand, but your whole devoted, unquestioning angelic being believes in. And how you need something to believe in, these days."
"Get to the point." said Cas, hating how this Gabriel thrown up by his subconscious was aiming for all his deepest insecurities.
"Point is," said Gabriel, "Angel side says, 'This is a necessary and fitting end, but the spare Winchester brother? He says, as Winchesters often do, 'Screw this, I wanna ditch destiny and do it my way and be with the people I love.'"
"I have no other way to save Jack." said Cas, "And he is one of the people I love."
"Hence the conflict. Hence this suffering, for which you were never intended. So you chide yourself in the voice of one who would never want to hurt you this way and even though you know she isn't real, that the real Jules will stand by you, even if all your decisions are bad ones, you hear her words as justified and true. You're torturing yourself."
"Why would I do that?" said Cas.
"To punish yourself. Your angelic side hates you for being afraid to die. The lover and brother hates you for being willing to die. Somewhere between the two, there's your fundamental essence, which hates you for both."
"I am ready to die." said Cas, "I always have been."
"The thought of what's coming horrifies you. You've tasted the Empty. You know it's not the calm sleep you let the others think it is. Eternity in your own head, with the only demons that never sleep there, your own guilt and regrets. It's easier for the others They lack the imagination to fear it and the knowledge of what it is. You die every day, preliving it in your head."
"You're forgetting. I knew all that when I made the deal."
"I'm not forgetting that, but maybe you need to remind yourself. You chose this, eyes wide open. Nobody tricked you into it. You looked your own personal Hell right in the face and you chose to throw yourself in."
"Yes."
"And you'll never tell them. And you'll never tell her or Jack how much it scares you. And to keep that secret, you'll give up more of who you are. You can never reopen the mind link."
"Never?" said Cas. He had considered the closure temporary.
"Think about it, stupid! You think there will ever be a day when it doesn't matter if they found out about your little deal with the Empty? You can never open that link again. So even if you can defer collection until the Winchesters are dead, you'll never have that connection with either of them again."
"Fine. I understand that."
"And you lost the girl."
"Woman."
"Whatever. You loved her and you let her go."
"I still love her." said Cas.
Gabriel grinned again. "I know, which makes it even more stupid. Dean is so right about you."
"What was I supposed to do?" said Cas.
"I don't do solutions. I just critique what you did." said Gabriel, "The Empty took you the moment you made the deal. Wherever you are, whatever you're doing, the Empty is calling the shots. Great move, genius."
Cas opened his mouth to answer and the black ooze from the Empty poured out of it and began to consume the room. It covered and swallowed Gabriel and Jules and stopped just short of Castiel's feet.
"Why don't you take me?" he said.
"Where would be the fun in that?" it said.
He began to scream in frustration, anger and fear. Then, suddenly, he felt hands on his shoulders and heard Sam's voice. "Cas! Wake up, it's a dream!"
He opened his eyes.
"You seemed to be in distress." said Sam, "I thought I should wake you."
"Thanks." said Cas, "I don't think I should sleep anymore tonight."
"Would it help to talk about it?" said Sam.
"No." said Cas.
"Okay. You wanna hear some hunting stories?"
"More than you can possibly imagine." said Cas.
"Great, because I have hundreds." said Sam.
"Sam, thanks. I worry that I'm losing my mind."
Sam shook his head. "You're as sane as I am ... Ah. Well, you're not crazy."
"How many of me do you think there are?" said Cas, aware that the question, out of context, made no sense.
"Just the one." said Sam, "But he's a little fractured Needs some TLC. Asking that was a good sign. It means you're trying to find your way home."
"Like Dean?"
"Very like Dean." said Sam, "And like Dean, you'll do it."
"I never want to dream again."
"I know that feeling." said Sam.