Hello, here the 2nd chapter of the story inspired by the song Arcade - Duncan Laurence. Like always, hope you like it and any comment / review is welcome :D ! See U soon!

CH 02 - Loving you is a losing game

The happy voices of her daughters downstairs don't go unnoticed for Emily. She might have a fever and think she's hallucinating because of it, but there's no doubt. That laugh, that sweet voice, all of it is real, it's…

"Ali…"

Whispering her nickname for the first time in years, it feels like a dream. The presence of the blonde finally sinks in Emily, forcing her to realize this is not a dream nor an hallucination, this is real, this is happening and that's why the brunette takes deep breaths as lots of emotions hit her at once.

How can one person mess up with your heart this badly? The brunette wonders because from the big list of women she has dated, just one has the power to make her feel like this, a complete mess. It's like she was sixteen again. Shy, docile, naïve… She's no longer that Emily, that version of her has been gone for years and yet here, she's, feeling shy to face Alison, just like in high school.

High school, just recalling those days, it's bittersweet. And a big part of that, it's because of Alison. The girl who could raise Emily to heaven, with just one kiss, with just one look, just to let her drop and crash because the blonde was just playing with her. Playing with the emotions of others, it was Alison' speciality. The blonde had a gift wrapping everyone around her finger, especially Emily. And, maybe that's why the brunette is so nervous to be close to the blonde again.

Oh, Alison. Just mentioning her name, it's already giving Emily irregular heartbeats. Heartbeats, which come more chaotic with each step she hears from the stairs, her heartbeat increases and she wonders if the cure is not worse than the disease because right now, Alison's presence is not helping her to feel better at all. And, her heart was galloping at a great speed till her bedroom door opened and finally, revealing the figure of the Queen Bee who was finally standing in front of her.

"Emily"

"Ali…"

Emily's heart stops, time stops for her the moment her eyes meet those blue , she has seen her on video, in pictures, but in person? This is the first time she sees the blonde in person in what feels like forever and maybe that's why a short-circuit happens in her brain, making it impossible for her to formulate a simple word.

Speechless, dizzy. Somehow, Alison has always the power to make her feel like this, regardless of how much Emily would like to blame the COVID for the symptoms. This is 100% Alison. And, deep down, the brunette wonders if she has some kind of effect too in the blonde, but, like always, it's impossible to read what is happening in Alison's mind. The blonde has a perfect poker face, years of practice paid off. Not even the most skilled lie detectors can figure this Queen Bee. And maybe that's why, Emily gave up, years ago.

"Ali, I…"

"I guess you know why I'm here?"

Directly to the point with a bitchy tone, of course, Emily wasn't sure why she thought this conversation would start differently.

"Yes, the girls told me and I also talked with my mom…"

"Pam was here? God damn it, Emily! You want to kill her or what?!"

"I talked with her ON THE PHONE!"

Emily appreciates the concern towards her mother, but really? If she has to deal with a bitchy Alison on top of this COVID, she will definitely die. It hasn't been even ten minutes since they got in the same room and the air between them is already unbearable to breathe. Maybe that's why Alison decides to open the windows so a breeze of fresh air cools down the atmosphere in the room.

The blonde stays in front of the open window, taking deep breaths and thinking really hard what to say next. She hopes the silence will calm down her nerves and it does to her, but not to the brunette who misread the lack of words.

"You don't want to be here, isn't it? Was my mom or the twins who forced you to come?"

Of course she didn't want to be here! She hasn't put a foot in Rosewood in years and she has good reasons for it but, forced to come? No one has forced her to do anything in years, so no, no one forced her. People asked and she said yes, it's as simple as that, but, that's the thing. When it's about Emily & her, nothing is just simple. They alone are sufficient proof of how things have never been simple between them. But, that's not the topic here…

"No one forced me to come, Emily…"

"And yet, it takes me to be on the verge of death to bring you here…"

Alison tries to remain calm under the constant reproach that Emily and the twins always say. Accused, judged by her lack of visits. It's something to which Alison has gotten used, over the years, but it doesn't make it less difficult to explain. Because how could she explain what makes her feel to be here again? How can she put in words the tremendous pain which comes to be in this house? In the place where all her dreams, all her hopes become dust? Talking about her emotions, it's not on Alison's agenda for the day, so, she decides to play it cool.

"Do not be dramatic, Emily. You're not gonna die. And, I'm too moody to discuss something else, it has been a long journey back here, so, let's just focus on the main reason why I'm here today"

She wasn't completely lying, it was a long trip from Washington to here. She hasn't done it in years. Especially because each time that the twins come to visit, it's Pam or another 3rd party who brings them to her and vice versa, so they could avoid this kind of uncomfortable encounter. But, it seems that you cannot avoid the inevitable forever, so, here they are, talking in person for the 1st time in a long, very long time.

"The twins are watching a tv show downstairs, it doesn't last more than 30 mn so, let's make this quick. I'm not a nurse, but I have recently taken care of someone who had the COVID, so I know the drill.."

"Oh…"

Emily wasn't sure how to process this new information. It was nice to know that the blonde had some kind of experience on the subject, but, somehow, Emily's mind drifted towards the question of who's this person Alison took care of? Was it someone she knows? Someone the blonde has a relationship? Emily wonders and she wonders more why she cares to know the ID of this person, because seriously! Why would she want to know?! She has shown no interest in Alison for years, so, pretending to care to know more about Alison's life, it feels wrong on so many levels. And yet…

"Who was it?"

"Hum?"

"The person you took care of? Who was it?"

Alison doesn't reply, she finds it irrelevant to discuss any details about it with the brunette. Something that makes Emily upset because she almost forgot how secretive the blonde can be sometimes, well, most of the times. This is one aspect of Alison to which Emily was never able to make peace. And, she hopes that Alison's secrets will not come again between them right now, because the last thing they need, it's more obstacles to deal with their actual situation.

"I'm not a nurse, Emily, but I know the basics to help you pass through this. So, do not worry, I've high expectations I'll excel in keeping you alive"

Emily chuckles, she almost forgot how confident the blonde could act sometimes. And, if Alison's ego is not enough to reassure Emily, it's Alison's plan of action that makes the brunette understand why she really needed to have someone like her here. From ordering the house, to procure what is needed to Emily and the twins. The brunette has no complaint, what is a little annoying because where was this version of Alison years ago?!

During the 1st years of the twin, Emily was almost the only one doing everything in the house, in their family, in their marriage. Or, at least that's the story that the brunette says to herself because let's be real, in every story, there's always more than one point of view. Everyone has its own version of the facts and just like Alison, Emily has no intention to change her version at all. Maybe that's why she nourishes her doubts concerning the possible secret agenda of the blonde. And, of course, questioning every single move of Alison, it brings the worst of her.

"Damn it, Emily! I'm not here to kill you! I'm here to help you! So, stop judging everything I do!"

"Yeah, well, I didn't ask for your help!"

It sounded worse than what she thought, Emily knows it when she sees the pain her words caused in Alison. The blonde might have a perfect poker face, but her eyes definitely are an open window to her soul. And, right now, those blue eyes reflect so much hurt. The brunette curses herself for being the reason for such pain. Great! Now, she's the bitch. Why, when it's just the two of them, it always comes to this?

Fighting for nothing worthy. Getting under the skin of each other without hesitation and making the other miserable with nothing more than words. This is why they divorced, this is why they are better miles away. Or, that is what Emily likes to think. Again, everything has more than one perspective. But, no matter at what angle you see this, Emily is at fault here and should apologize for what she just said.

"Ali, I…"

The blonde doesn't give her the chance to say sorry as Alison walks away, leaving her talking alone.

"Yeah, just like old times… just walk away! Great!"

Emily angrily groans, frustrated by how Alison walked away from their discussion, just like every time she hears something she doesn't like to hear. The blonde walks away without turning back. And, the sick brunette simply sighs, looking at the ceiling as if the answers to their problems were there on the roof. She doesn't find the answers to her doubts, but she finds the words she wanted to say...

"I'm sorry, Ali. I shouldn't have said those words. And, I'm grateful to all you're doing for me and the kids, but ..." (sighs) "But, you always make me doubt everything, what I see, what I hear…" (sighs) "I don't trust even in myself when you're around and, I'm sorry for that…"

Emily wishes she could be this sincere with Alison. But, she can't, or at least she hasn't figured out how. Their lack of honesty and communication has always been their Achilles heel. They thought the love they felt for each other and for the twins could overcome such flaw in their relationship but it didn't. Because contrary to what lots of love songs might say, Love is not the only thing you need. You need to trust in your partner, you need to know how to communicate because without that, the fragility of any relationship can decline towards its breaking point.

And, it's at a breaking point, where Alison feels stuck right now. And that's why that night, when everyone is sleeping in her GMT time, she decides to call the only person she has in speed dial.

"Hi, Alison. Did I forget to note in my agenda that we're having a session today?"

"Non. I'm sorry, I know it's not programmed but, I really needed to talk with you today…"

Like always, her therapist is kind enough to not turn her down in times of need. She's ready to listen and the blonde double checks she's alone in the kitchen as she settles her tablet and her full glass of wine to start this conversation with her therapist.

"That's a lot of wine…"

"Believe me, I earned it"

"I guess that means you had a rocky start?"

"Rocky is a very nice way to put it…"

Alison deeply sighs, she drinks her wine so fast that a second glass was in order. Something her therapist obviously doesn't approve of but she will give Alison a free pass this time, it seems the blonde really needs it. Alone with her second glass of wine, Alison finally feels settled down to vent about her day. The conversation starts and in a matter of minutes, the blonde feels already so much better, till the moment her therapist decides to dig more on what is behind her reaction to Emily's words.

"Why do you think Emily's word hurt so much, Alison?"

"I don't know…"

"Did the lack of appreciation make you feel insecure, Alison?"

Insecure, imperfect, vulnerable to what others opinions could make her feel. It was a taboo to talk about such things for the blonde. Such aberrance to admit weakness, she got it from her father. Growing up as a DiLaurentis was such a burden for her. Over the years, all she learnt at home was that her family was far from being perfect and yet, being perfect was their motto. So, yeah, admit defeat, admit pain or anything which could imply they weren't the self-assured ass the DiLaurentis were meant to be, it was forbidden.

But, admit that words hurt, admit that what others think about us matters, it's no longer a taboo for Alison, and that's why, if she has to be completely honest with herself and her therapist, then she must admit that...

"I feel judged all the time when I'm around Emily! Even when I do nothing more than breathe, I'm doing something wrong!" (Deeply exhales) "I don't know what I was thinking when I agreed to come"

"Well, we never know how things will turn down for us. But, despites how the days unfolds, just remember that what you're doing for Emily, it's a very kind action"

"Well, in that case, this better ensures me a VIP ticket to heaven, otherwise, I see no point in doing it!"

Her therapist chuckles, it's very common in their session to hear Alison, using humor to deal with her emotions. Just like her bitchy attitude, some mechanisms of defense are hard habits to break. Especially in front of the people who cannot look at her with other eyes. For many people in this town, Emily included, Alison will always be the cruel, selfish, despicable Queen Bee of Rosewood. The kind of girl who's just able to instil fear and hate. That's one of the principal reasons why Alison was so reluctant to visit Rosewood again. You spend so much time hearing people thinking the worst of you that you finish believing it.

Being labelled as a villain, it wasn't new for the blonde. But, what will always surprise her, it's how easy it is for Emily to think the worst of her. Alison is not Saint, but she always thought the brunette would be the only person on this Earth to at least give her the benefit of the doubt. But, she was wrong, and, it hurts, it hurts like hell to always be seen as the bad guy by the only person who always promised to see the best of her.

Emily's mistrust, always judging every move Alison does without second thoughts, it's one of the reasons their marriage sank like the Titanic.

"Alison, it's human to feel insecure in a hostile environment. I know you don't like to hear this, but you and Emily have emotional scars which will always stay open if you don't talk about them"

"I'm not here to talk, I'm here to play the nurse while the world is a complete mess"

"Alison…"

"Look, I just need to focus on Emily's recovery, I can't deal with the past, not right now"

"If not now, then when?"

The blonde deeply sighs because she has no clue when or if she will ever be able to have that kind of conversation with the brunette. And, her therapist let her reflect on it. To consider what good could be for her to be honest and finally put all the cards on the table. But, can she? Can she really reopen that chapter of her life she has been trying to hold hidden for so long? Can she really talk about how and why her marriage ended? She should be able to talk about it, after all, she already lost the game, what else she has to lose, right?

"Okay…"

"Okay, what?"

"I'll try to talk with Emily about the past…"

"Really?!"

"You look surprised. Why? I thought this is what you wanted to hear from me"

"This is not about what I want or not, Alison. I hope that you're not doing this for me"

"Non! Of course not… I mean… you were right, I thought about it and it's time to finally get an answer to all my questions and to finally get closure on that chapter of my life…"

"I thought you said you had closure already?"

"Yeah, well I lied! Big surprise! You were right and I was in denial!"

The therapist chuckles, she has no further comment to share. She's proud that Alison is considering dropping the subject with Emily and maybe finally having a real conversation, one which would lead them to heal and not to want to kill each other. It's a nice progress to want to open the dialogue, but, it's another thing to initiate it. Alison is far from finding the perfect moment to start such a big conversation and her therapist is wise enough to know when to push and when to just go with the flow.

"Do not stress or overthink it, Alison. Just wait for the opening and let things run its course…"

"I've so many questions to ask… I don't know with what question start"

"This is the first time you mention you have questions about your marriage. Would you like to elaborate it a little more? Like, what kind of questions?"

"This might be silly, but the 1st one which comes to my mind is: why did she ask for the divorce? I mean, I saw the reasons she put on the papers, I know we weren't on the best terms, but…"

"But, you need more than that…"

Alison nods, she has never admitted it out loud, but she still struggles to understand the moment all went to hell. And, that's why she agrees with her therapist to make a list of questions, of all the questions she would like to ask Emily. Maybe once she puts them on paper, it will make it easier for her to say them out loud.

Anyway, for now, it's on the To Do List to have a conversation with Emily, but, before considering when such a thing can ever happen, Alison will soon realize that another serious conversation is on the agenda. Because before she could plan what to say to her Ex, this blonde will need to figure out what to say to the mother of her Ex.

"Hello, Pam…"

"Hi, Alison. Thank you for taking my call. Can we talk?"

Of course she was going to take the call of the only woman who has really acted as a real mother to her. And, this is not the first talk she has with Pam since the divorce, but somehow, she feels this time is different than all their previous conversations. And, she wasn't wrong because just like she needs answers from Emily, Pam needs the same from her.

Will Alison survive the conversation? Or, will it be just another losing game for her?