Chapter 71.
"I think we can all agree, that didn't go well." said Sam. He admitted to himself that it was something of an understatement.
Dean nodded. "My fault." he said, "In my defence, Rowena was not playing fair."
"No, she wasn't." said Sam, "Castiel, how are you feeling?"
"Fine." said Cas, unconvincingly.
"Fine." said Dean, "I need to get out of here."
"Could you give me five minutes first?" said Sam, maybe in the kitchen?"
"Okay." said Dean and they left the celestials in the library.
Sam gestured to the table. "Sit down." he said.
"Oh, one of those conversations." said Dean.
"No. Let's just sit down and talk."
"Five minutes?" said Dean as they both sat down.
"Five minutes. And none of those minutes will be spent telling you where you just went wrong."
"Good, because I know." said Dean.
"I know you know. It's not a big deal."
"I think it is to Cas."
"Cas got what you were trying to say. So did I." said Sam, "I'm gonna say this slowly, so you get what I'm trying to say too. You did not screw this up. It went badly, but not because of you, just because of Rowena, bad timing and general stuff."
"You brought me here to say that?"
"Yeah, pretty much. I have more to say, but that's the important part, because I saw your face in there and I know you think you got everything wrong. I also saw his face when you told him you care about him. It was what he needed to hear."
"But I could have left the stupid part out."
"Yeah, maybe you will, next time, but at least you said the caring part."
"Nothing we said at supper last night had the slightest effect." said Dean.
"That's not true. What we said mattered, to everyone. It just takes a while to filter through for Cas. Has to get past all the guilt and fear and self-loathing, but it's there, in his head and the moment those things let up, it will matter that we said those things."
"I feel like I'm just yelling into a void." said Dean, "Well, when I say anything good or fair or true. The moment I say something petty, vindictive or unkind, bam! Straight to his heart!"
"Sounds like the problem I've always had with you." said Sam.
As if to prove the point, Dean ignored that. "She made me angry and I let her and then I ended up taking it out on him. I think maybe I should take the crystal to Claire, get out of here, give Cas a chance to get his head together without me ripping him apart."
"I'm about to call Sarah and Jules and tell them Rowena has gone and Jules can come over whenever she's ready and I think that'll be today."
"That's good." said Dean, "She always seems to have a way to make him listen. Of course, it would have been a lot easier before I made things worse."
"You didn't make things worse. I'm not even sure things got worse." said Sam, "I know it feels like they did and it feels like it's your fault, because every bad thing that ever happened always feels like you fault, but for two days now, you've been getting through to him in ways I can't."
"He's barely hearing me at all." said Dean.
"He came back here. He didn't have to. He came because he feels safe here, even when we're angry with him. He came here because he trusts you."
"He came here because there's nowhere else for him to go." said Dean, "He can't go to Ionia, because Jules is there and he doesn't want to face her."
"Which is why I want you here when she comes. His instinct will be to run. You can make him talk to her."
"I doubt that. You heard him, siding with Rowena against me."
"I heard him defend you to Rowena."
Dean shrugged that off. "What was the other thing you wanted to say?" he said.
"First, a favour. Just this once, don't tell me you're fine. Don't tell me you don't need anything."
"Okay. I'll try. What is it?"
"This whole situation is Hell for you, I know it. So I need to know what you need me to do to make it easier."
"Honestly?"
"Honestly."
Dean was quiet for a long time, then he said, "What you are doing is helping more than you know. Not getting angry with me when I fail, not ordering me out of the room just because I say something dumb. Telling me when I get something right. It reminds me of Dad before ... You're like him in all the best ways, Sam."
"I hope I'm a little like you, too." said Sam.
"I didn't mean to tell him how bad I feel about having no way to protect him." It took Sam a few seconds to work out that Dean was talking about Cas.
"I think he needed to hear that, too. When you express your fears instead of your anger, he knows you love him."
"After all these years, how can he not know?"
"Because you're Dean Winchester and he is in awe of you."
"He's an angel of the frickin' Lord."
"And you're in awe of him. Do you feel like you deserve his friendship?"
"No."
"Exactly. You two have the exact same problem. You think nobody could love you, even though everyone who has ever met you manifestly does and it's worse with each other, because he sees Dean frickin' Winchester and you see a frickin' angel of the Lord and the rest of us look at both of you and see the best team since ... "
"If you say Bert and Ernie, I will end you."
"I was going to say Batman and Robin."
"Who being who?"
"Would you prefer Sam and Frodo? Legolas and Gimli? Me and you? Several times in the past forty-eight, you've been honest with him and every time, it's had an effect. It's hard, I know. It goes against a lifetime of guarding every thought in your head and every word out of your mouth, but think how you feel when he's honest with you. Think how much it hurts you to think he doesn't trust you."
"Every time I get honest, I get angry."
"And every time you get angry, you get honest. You get angry because you're afraid."
"Knowing that doesn't change a thing."
"Doesn't it? You're risking honesty a lot more often, these days. You don't see the changes, because you're only interested in the negatives, but I've seen a lot of growth in the last few years. I'm proud of you."
Dean looked awkward. "Yeah, well, we should get back to them before Cas comes up with some new way to screw up his life."
Sam smiled. "It really freaks you out when I say good things about you, doesn't it?"
"Shut up, Sam." said Dean, heading back to the others.