"Greenie, we've been over this: it's not possible to climb the walls," Alby's head dropped, exhausted by our conversation. He'd been here all morning and I could see him shiver slightly from the chill in the air. It was a cloudy day and there was a stiff wind whipping through the trees, it looked like it might rain.
"Newt told me he did it!"
"Yeah, but now he can't."
"But someone else could."
"No, they couldn't," Alby huffed. "We tried."
"But there has to be a way out, maybe a new pattern you haven't seen or a route you haven't tried."
"No! We've tried them all, ran them all. We've done everything short of breaking down the walls of the maze one by one. And don't even say it, you know it's impossible."
"Why would they put the maze here if it was pointless," I crossed my arms.
"I wish I knew, Greenbean."
"That doesn't make any sense!," I let out a shriek of frustration.
"You can't let it ruin you. If you sit in here and think about the maze, it'll destroy you. It just eats away at you until you're nothing left, I've seen it happen."
"What else should I be thinking about?," I spat bitterly.
"Think about what we have here. We have each other. Everything we've built here."
"You can't possibly think that what's here is better than what's out there."
Alby shrugged," We don't know."
"Exactly. So we should be fighting for the opportunity to find out."
"I think you've been cooped up too long. You should get out and go for a walk."
"I'm surprised you'd trust me enough to let me out."
Alby sighed, I could tell I was plucking his last nerve on the topic.
"You can get out whenever you want, you know that. I'll get Newt and-"
"No!," I stopped him.
Alby looked down at me, studying me for a minute as I avoided looking directly at him.
"Not Newt," I tried to say in a level voice but it came out as a squeak.
Alby turned his gaze to the Glade," I'll send Ben and Hank."
"You aren't coming to chaperone?," I was surprised.
"I thought you'd want a break from me," he let out a half laugh.
"Good call."
I didn't want to admit it, but my legs were cramping and I was desperate to get out and walk. It had be 2 1/2 days but this small space made it feel like I had been locked up for a week. I watched Hank stroll over to me and smile.
"Hey Greenie," he crouched down and pulled a sliver of grass from his mouth.
"Are you going to let me out?"
"Easy tiger," Hank chuckled. "Waiting on Ben."
"Where is he?"
Hank shrugged," Talking to Alby," then popped his blade of grass back into his mouth.
"How are you okay with all of this?"
"Believe it or not Greenie, you're not the only one struggling with the news," Hank looked away.
"But you agree with Alby?"
"He's making the right choice," Hank said flatly before turning and waving someone else over. "Bout time. For a runner, you're getting slow, shank," he grinned and that's when I saw Ben.
He gave Hank a small nod and an awkward smile but said nothing as Hank unlocked the door. I crawled out of the small space and finally stood on my legs. The muscles moaned from distress of this now foreign activity. I let out a small groan and I stretched my arms above my head and twisted my back. My eyes then settled on the door of the maze, I felt the instinct to run to it, but I could sense Hank was watching me very closely so I looked away.
"So, I just walk around and you guys follow me?"
Hank shrugged," Yeah that's basically it."
I started walking, my legs felt weak, probably from not eating and not moving.
"So how's the Glade eating up this juicy new gossip," I asked curiously and I headed away from the Homestead.
"Everyone understands it," Hank answered.
"I guess they really will believe anything Alby tell them," I muttered.
"What?"
"Nothing."
"Greenie, I don't think you understand how big this is."
I rolled my eyes and quickened my pace, rounding us at the wall and heading towards the Deadhead. "Yes, I guess that never occurred to me in the past 2 days," I said sarcastically.
"It doesn't matter what you think, it's not your choice."
"I get it, Alby is king, but that doesn't mean what he's doing is right."
"There is no right or wrong here, it's all about survival," Hank ran up beside me. "No one gets hurt this way."
"The fact that you believe that, Hank. That's the problem and you," I stopped and looked back to Ben, he had been silently trailing behind us. "You think this is okay? You believe in Alby too."
Ben's mouth opened and then shut and he looked down, but it was Hank who answered my question.
"Come on, Greenie, don't be like that. It's not Ben's fault, it's not my fault and no matter how you think about it, this isn't Alby's fault either."
"So no one is to blame?," I scoffed.
"You can't blame us. It's them. They did this."
"But they didn't just do this for no reason."
"We don't know their reasons," Hank shook his head. "If they had a reason, it would never justify this."
"No, there is no justification," I agreed. "But how would the people here feel about you all lying to them."
"None of the Gladers are going to find out about this," Hank said confidently.
"Until they do," I pushed farther into the Deadhead.
I made my way onto the path I had created to my little tree, it stood barren, scarred by the carvings Ben had etched into the wood. It felt like I had been away from it so long even though it had only been mere days. The delicate braches looked frail and withered and the bark was dry and peeling, I ran my hand over the base feeling the small notches that symbolized my time here. And my fingers brushed the rough edges, a piece of the scorched wood broke off in my hand. I let out a small gasp as it fell, the crisp snap sliced through the quiet. I held the small chunk of light gray bark in my hands, it felt so delicate like if it had fallen to the ground it would have shattered and turned to dust.
I didn't recognize this tree. In that moment I felt more connected to it then I ever had my whole time here at the Glade. We both seemed to be withering, it was like we were a reflection of one another as if this tree could somehow feel the pain that I felt. It was ridiculous to even think it, but in that moment it was real... almost too real to accept.
"You alright, Greenie?," Hank asked, no doubt confused my sudden silence and peculiar attachment to this tree.
I was thankful my back was to them because for some reason, I felt a tear slide down my cheek. I quickly wiped it away," Yeah I'm fine. I just," I cleared my throat. "I just want to stop at Jackson's grave," I pulled away from the tree.
I was thankful that Hank didn't ask me anymore questions, but as we came up on Jackson's grave, I started to slow my pace.
How can I go see him? Tell him everything that happened. Just the thought of it hurt me physically. He died thinking we would get out of here. He thought we had a chance to be free and now... now there was nothing. All that's left is the Glade.
I stopped walking.
He's dead. Jackson can't hear me, he's just dead. He'll never know.
"Greenie?," Hank called out to me.
"Just take me back," I turned to the left and stormed through the brush towards the Homestead.
"Greenie, wait up!," I heard them both rushing after me.
I wiped away another tear, why did it have to be this way? Can anything just go the way it should? Can anything good happen!
"What happened back there? ," Hank asked as he run up on me.
"Nothing," I lied. "I'm tired."
"Tired? We just got you out. You want to go back already?"
"Yes."
"Greenie," Hank reached out to grab my arm but I pulled away.
"Don't touch me!," I stumbled backwards and hit my back against a thin tree.
Hank looked scared, he took a step back too.
"Greenie, I'm sorry," he apologized. "I just want to make sure you're okay."
"He didn't mean to hurt you," Ben looked between us. "Right, Hank."
"No of course not. Greenie, did I hurt you?," he asked concerned.
I closed my eyes and felt it coming, I wish I had the control to stop all of my crying. I didn't want them both to be there, just watching me and my emotions swelled. I covered my face with my arm in a failed attempt to hide from them. Neither of them spoke for a minute as I sobbed against a tree; the more I thought about it the more embarrassed I felt.
"Are you hurt?," Hank finally asked.
It took me another minute or so to answer through my weeping. Just pull yourself together. Just stop!
"I don't even know why I'm crying," I admitted to them, keeping my face shielded.
"It'll be alright, Greenie," Hank tried to comfort me, but he was horrible at it.
I took in a slow breath and wiped my eyes, revealing the two boys standing in front of me. It won't be alright. This is it. Forever. Two dirty boys and the wilderness. The wilderness and boys was all I had to call my own and not even that. The Glade was my new home, it was the only home I'd ever get to remember and it had was small broken huts, torn hammocks, leaking ceilings, a small garden and trees. Even if we were to stay here another 100 years, would it ever get better than what it already was? Not with the supplies they give us, there was nothing more we could do. This is it. Forever.
"Just take me back to the Slammer," I pushed off the tree.
I was truly grateful that Hank was no longer talking, it was pure silence as I crawled back into the dirty cellar and the door was locked behind me. Back in my cage- where I belong. Alby came back with food but I sent him away, I didn't have the energy to argue with him about the maze. I faced away from my door and thought of my old friend- how would Jackson have accepted this? Could he have? Or would he have been on my side? Probably, I thought with a small smirk, but he would have been smarter than me about it. Hidden his real agenda, he wouldn't have let his emotions get the best of him, he never did. He always had a plan, he was too smart for this place- he should have been in Alby's spot. Jackson would have found a way out.
A large crack of thunder ruptured the sky and rain began to pour down, immediately soaking the earth. I went to the bars and watched the Gladers scattered for shelter, then not long after the Runners returned from the maze. The ferocity of the droplets practically shredded the food that had been sitting outside the bars waiting for me. I stuck my hand out and let the harsh drops smack my skin, it stung but in a way I liked the sensation. It was then I noticed the cold feeling pooled around my feet, looking down the water was spilling into the Slammer and making a small little pool.
Maybe it'll rain long enough to drown me, the thought popped into my head. I looked around my small prison, it would have to rain for weeks.
As if the rain was linked into my brain, just as it had suddenly started, it stopped. Now I was just left with the annoying wet floor of the Slammer, forcing me to stay crouched. Alby attempted a second time to talk to me, but I refused him again, maybe tomorrow I'd be up for the challenge of fighting with someone who doesn't listen.
It was nearly nightfall when I heard more footsteps approach, my eyes rolled in frustration, when is Alby going to take the hint. Even in the dark shadows of the evening, I could tell the figure wasn't Alby and it wasn't Newt who would've been my second guess. This person was taller, scrawny yet a bit of muscle lingered beneath the skin, I knew who it was now.
"I brought you this," he said pushing a slightly damp towel throw the space of the door.
"I'm surprised you're here at all," I admitted, accepting the gift.
"Why?"
"You've hardly spoken 3 words to me since this happened."
"I thought you were mad."
"I am mad."
"...at me," Ben finished.
I let out a slow breath," I'm mad at the Glade. I'm mad that Runners. I'm mad at Alby... I mad at everyone, it seems like you've given up."
"I haven't given up," he said defiantly.
"But Alby has."
"Alby's doing what's best."
"For him? Or for the Glade?," I asked. "Because to me it feels like he wants to keep us all blind. He wants us to just obey his orders because their his. He wants all to stay here, where he has the control. He doesn't care about leaving, why would he? Here he's the ruler, the king. And he has all the little grunts to do whatever he wants them to do.. and they do it. He'll never give that up. If he tells this secret it would mean he'd lose his power."
Ben was silent, like I had stunned him with this idea.
"You... You can't possibly think that."
"I do."
"Alby isn't some tyrant, he cares about us. He wants our opinions and takes every single Glader into account when he makes decisions."
"I just don't think you can see it, Ben. You've been here too long. You don't see it clearly like I do."
"Maybe you haven't been here long enough. Just because you think he's some evil monster doesn't mean it's true."
"Oh yeah? If he values your opinion so much, why not ask the Glade for help?"
"What do you think we do everyday?," Ben almost laughed at me. "You think I go into that maze," he pointed to the door," and just sit and stare at the wall. No. I give everything in the maze, every single time I run it. I practically beg the walls to change into something new, something I haven't seen so I can get us out of this place."
"But if what you're doing isn't working, then nothing is going to change," I got closer to the bars. "Maybe if you told people, you could get a new perspective. Maybe the Glade could help."
Ben's jaw tightened," No."
"But why? Why is Alby afraid?!"
"He's not afraid!," Ben replied quickly. "He's doing what's right for all of us."
I could sense Ben's anger was brewing, I didn't want him to blow up. I stepped away from the bars and wrapped the towel around me. Ben didn't say anything and neither did I, I was expecting him to get up and storm away to cool off, but instead he asked me a question.
"What happened today?"
I looked up through the bars at him, he wasn't looking back at me, he was looking out at the Glade.
"You mean why didn't I go the Jackson's grave?"
"No," he shook his head. "I know why you couldn't go there."
I wasn't the only person who had lost a friend here. I know Ben had lost a few too, maybe he was struggling in the same way I was.
"I meant, what happened at the tree?"
"I don't know," I answered honestly. "I wanted to go there and feel safe, but instead when I got there, it felt... it felt wrong. It looked like it was dying."
"All the trees look like that- it's the dry season."
"It just rained," I almost laughed at him.
"Oh yeah," he grinned at the realization.
"Ben?"
"Yeah."
"Never mind," I shook my head.
"Let me ask you something else," Ben picked up the plate he brought with him. "Are you going to eat anything?," he raised an eyebrow.
"I don't trust the food here anymore."
"Fry will be heart broken," Ben said dramatically.
I couldn't help but let a small smile sneak onto my face," It's not him... it's that..."
"You don't trust Alby," Ben filled in the blanks. "Look," he scrapped the plate and took a large bite of the rice. "It's as good as it gets," he pushed the plate into the Slammer.
I looked at the now cold rice and beans, it was tempting to eat my body was so craving the nourishment.
"Come on, take at least one bite."
"Promise there's nothing in it?"
"I wouldn't have taken he bite if there was."
I let out a sigh and took a small bite of the beans, it was good- better than good. I had the plate cleared in under 30 seconds. My stomach was not prepared for the overload of food.
"Ugh," I groaned and clenched my side.
"You may have eaten too fast," Ben stated the obvious. "Are you okay?"
"Yeah," I lay down on the cold floor," I should probably try and sleep."
"Sure, night," Ben left.
"Wait," I sat up quickly and my stomach lurched.
"What?," Ben was panicked and rushed back. "What is it?"
"Ben, I need to know... why did you tell me?"
Ben's head dropped," How did I know you wanted to ask me that."
"You know I'm curious."
He sounded prepared as he started," I wanted to tell you the minute after I found out. But I couldn't. We were sworn to secrecy, you know. This is huge... it still is. I had a hard time even talking to you, without spilling it," he admitted.
"That's why you've been so weird the last few weeks."
"Guess I didn't hide it well. I was ready to tell you after your 100 days but then I started to psych myself out."
"So when I found you by the tree...," I pieced it together.
"Yeah, I just made up some stupid rock and got out of there."
"Then you started avoiding me."
"Well yeah, that was partially me and mostly Mihno. I told him I was having a hard time, I was wanting to tell you everything so he mad it his personal mission to keep me away from you. And then you kept finding me in the Deadhead when I was struggling. It was hard for me at first like it's been for you."
"What changed? I saw how you were out there, pacing, angry and upset. You didn't want to keep it a secret."
"I changed after I told you."
"Why?"
"I saw what happened, you basically got all my craziness. I was going insane having the knowledge I had, lying to everyone everyday, pretending it wall okay. I snapped. Then when you came, and I told you, I saw how you reacted to the whole thing. How upset you were, how I broke you... and then I understood what Alby meant. No one could know, it was for the best."
"Ben.. you didn't break me."
"I did," he sniffled. "You were doing so well. Forgotten about Lee and were starting to accept Jackson was gone... things were even going good for you and Newt. Then I messed it all up, I broke you."
I took a moment to think, and then I told Ben," I didn't realize how happy I had been only a few days ago. I had finally accepted the Glade for what it was, but I had accepted a lie. Everyday Newt and I talked about life outside the maze, so what I thought was satisfaction with being here wasn't real. I was just blind...," I wiped the tear away.
"I'd rather you be blind and happy then to be devastated with the reality."
"Well that's not your choice."
"Not anymore," he murmured. "I had the choice and I chose wrong."
"It shouldn't have been your choice to begin with. I don't want to live a lie. I want it to be real."
"Who knows if this is even real," he sighed softly. " The maze might not even be our reality but if it is and it means we're trapped in this place forever. You want to live with that?"
"Like I said it's not your choice, Ben. Besides, if you hadn't told me, it would have eaten you up inside."
He nodded," I know and I hate myself for it. I wish I could be like Alby or Mihno, but I'm not strong like they are."
"Ben, I don't hate you for telling me."
"I know that," he sniffled.
"I appreciate that you were the only person in this entire Glade who would tell me the truth. Not even the-," I choked on the words. Not even the boy I loved would tell me. "So thank you, Ben. Really, I mean it."
"No you don't. if you could go back and undo it, you would."
"No," I shook my head, saying the words even thought I wasn't sure they were true. If it was possible to go back and not know about the maze, would I want that? Ben was right, I had been happy before. I was moving past everything and making a better life with Newt. But it was lie. He was a lie. Now that I know, everything is different.
"The truth is more important to me," I decided.
Ben stood up," I should go," he said as he was already walking away.